World to end on Saturday

Cancel your weekend plans — they aren’t going to happen, because it looks like the world is going to end on Saturday, Sept. 23.

The latest doomsday prediction comes from, you guessed it, a half-baked Christian fundamentalist group. And despite being wrong every time for the past two millennia, they’re sure they have it this time. We won’t bore you with the details, but it related to the positions of the Sun and some planets in relation to certain constellations (which aren’t Judeo-Christian in the first place), last month’s solar eclipse and a unique interpretation of the Book of Revelation.

Remember that non-existent dwarf planet Nibiru that was supposed to hit Earth back in 2012? Same prediction here, just a new date.

The prediction is being denounced as a hoax by pretty much any authority on Christianity you can find. Or maybe they just don’t want the masses to believe it so they can have a bigger yard in Heaven.

Science: Don’t move in with your partner

So you and your significant other are really happy and you’ve decided to move in together. Congratulations! Hope you’re not planning on having sex anymore.

According to a recent study, cohabitation with a partner leads to decreased sexual interest in that person, regardless of gender. The study did find that women were more likely to lose interest in sex than men (tell us about it), but both genders were affected. Researchers believe this is because the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely it is to turn from passion to compassion.

The guys have a simpler theory: You share a bathroom with someone for a while and eventually you stop finding them sexy.

At least Hurricane Harvey slayed this beast for us

The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.

A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.

A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.

Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.

Fun police won’t let New Zealand barbershops serve free drinks

The Kiwis have come up with an ingenious idea, as long as you don’t mind a little hair in your drink. But it could be last call for a policy we need to adopt in the U.S.

Many New Zealand barbershops give complimentary glasses of beer or wine with a haircut. Yes, there is free beer served at barbershops. Customers can sip away while their barber does his or her thing. But now, the police are cracking down on this amazing policy, because someone out there isn’t happy with people boozing it up in that sort of setting.

The Guys have been around a while. We’ve never traveled to New Zealand, but it seems like news of such an awesome and apparently nationwide tradition would have reached us several times over by now. With Movember around the corner, perhaps we should plan a trip.

Family waits to be dug out of avalanche with a lot of wine

Speaking of coping with natural disasters through inebriation, what’s going on in the half of the world where it’s winter?

In New Zealand, a family was enjoying an annual trip to a mountain lodge, when an avalanche ruined things. The lodge wasn’t hit, and the family was safe, but the only road to and from the lodge was buried under a whole lot of snow. The family was cut off from civilization, and were told that crews would take a few days to clear the road for them again.

They didn’t panic, and told the media that things were going well because they still had plenty of wine. Always pack accordingly for your vacation.

Hurricane booze cruise is best vacation ever

Ahead of Hurricane Irma, most Floridians got out of Dodge, while some fools decided to hang around and party their way through it. But no matter how awesome the party, no one did Hurricane Irma better than the people on a cruise ship.

Right now, the Norwegian Escape is somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico with some 4,000 drunken passengers who avoided the massive storm. The ship took on some displaced passengers, in addition to its own passengers who had been dropped off in Miami after their cruises were cut short before the hurricane, leaving them with nowhere to go as Irma bore down on them. The Escape then headed out to sea with an “unlimited” supply of booze.

After the pounding Florida took, it could be a while before the ship docks again, and that’s just fine with the passengers.

British citizens urged to drown wasps in booze

Luckily for humanity, insects can drown, except for fire ants. And in the U.K., citizens are being asked by researchers to drown wasps in beer, in the name of science.

Ecologists are asking U.K. citizens to leave a glass of beer in their gardens to attract and kill wasps, so that they can be examined. Wasps are notorious drunks. The researchers want to do a sort of headcount on wasp species, and figure this is a good way to do it.

Predictably, animal rights activists are upset that scientists are asking the public to kill wasps, saying that the alcohol traps will kill other insects, like honeybees.

But the only real concern here should be that this plan involves wasting perfectly good beer, albeit for a noble cause.

Houston sees fire ants, rain

Thanks to Hurricane Harvey, Houston is largely underwater. (And the rest of us have to deal with that alliteration.) A few people have died, but pretty much everyone there has had their life disrupted in a way that may not be reparable. And it gets worse.

Now Houstonites Houstonians Hueguenots citizens of Houston have to deal with another threat: floating bands of fire ants that are pissed off about their situation. The ants form into giant balls that float on the floodwaters as a means of survival. That’s correct, not even historic flood levels will kill these bastards. So anyone forced to trudge through the water, aside from worrying about getting swept away, has to watch out for the ants, because if they are disturbed, they will attack, and they are called fire ants for a reason.

So if you can’t donate money, or send old clothes, send these poor people some ant spray.

Your head would be bigger if your ancestors didn’t eat cheese

Thousands of years ago, people decided to stop roaming around and killing stuff and set up farms. And somehow our heads stopped growing because we invented cheese.

According to researchers, humans began to have smaller heads and sleeker jaws around the time that we started relying on dairy foods, like milk and cheese, and farmed plants, for sustenance. The argument is that humans started eating softer foods, rather than crunching and grinding away on whatever we could rustle up in the forest. This meant that we didn’t need huge, powerful jaws anymore.

But it’s important to keep in mind that the whole reason we started farming was to make beer. Society as we know it today was founded on beer and cheese.

Texans to brave storm with liquid courage

Folks, we want our readers to be safe. Also, we don’t want to get sued for anything. That’s why if you’re one of our coastal Texas readers, RUN, BITCH! Hurricane Harvey is coming!

But if you’re dumb (and if you live in Texas, there’s a pretty good chance of that), and you decide to hang around for a Category 3 hurricane that’s supposed to just sit over your head for a week, grab some booze. That’s the advice Houston-area bars and liquor stores are giving, and the citizenry is listening. Beer, wine and liquor sales are way up ahead of the potentially deadly storm people should probably be sober for.

Key quote from a Houston bartender:

Regardless, if you’re craving hard liquor this weekend, Hunt suggests making a Greyhound, which is vodka and grapefruit juice. “It’s light, refreshing and simple. There is a hurricane happening! Ain’t no one got time for a complicated, multi-step process.”

Hunt says she’ll be drinking wine during the storm “and lots of it,” and suggests 19 Crimes Cabernet.