Scientists grow human brains in mice, doom us all

Science is fun and all, but it’s widely accepted that it’s slowly marching us all to the end of civilization. Consider this one step on that march.

Researchers have grown tiny human brains inside of mice, which are known to carry disaease. That’s not us punching up some boring study, they really did it. It’s the first time that scientists have been able to grow a human brain in another species, so, congrats? The researchers, who are deluding themselves, say this is a major breakthrough in stem cell research.

What is really means is that science is that much closer to making animals as smart as us. And when that happens, we’re in for it.

T. rex puppet not allowed to take enlistment oath, Army says

Clever girl.

The right to dinosaur arms has been infringed upon in Tennessee, we are sad to report.

The Tennessee National Guard has two jobs: two guard the border with Kentucky, and to bring sand bags when Nashville floods. It’s a very serious job, and the state Air National Guard takes it so seriously that it posted a video of a re-enlistment ceremony where the service member had a T. rex puppet on her hand.

Master Sgt. Robin Brown is a part of the Tennessee Air National Guard’s public affairs office — at least she was until the video of her re-enlistment got some negative feedback. The U.S. Army, typically known for its sense of humor, has pulled Brown off of public affairs, and even demoted the colonel who administered the oath her Brown and her dinosaur.

They said it was for mocking an honored tradition, but really, it’s because of the awful attempt at ventriloquism.

App plays music to keep you on rhythm during sex

It’s happened to everyone: you’re putting on some music to set the mood, only to find out that your selection just doesn’t have the beat you’re going for. Bed Beats is here to make this slight inconvenience a thing of the past.

Bed Beats is an app that’s been around for a year or so, but is only getting press now. It plays a the genre of music that you want, at the tempo you want for getting it on. No more getting offbeat (or the other way around) in bed, which someone out there must think is an issue. But if you think Bed Beats is some clever app that selects songs you’ve heard of based on their tempos, you’re wrong. It just has a selection of beats from different genres of music, and you can make it play faster or slower.

This is also helpful if you like to rap while doing it.

Drunken mountain climbing is the hot new trend

The best part about a vacation is that you get to travel to a new place and drink there. The only down side is that if you get drunk, you may not find your way home. But that’s just part of the adventure, isn’t it?

An Estonian man on vacation in the Italian Alps got drunk and thought he was heading back to his hotel, but ended up hiking halfway up a mountain. According to reports, the drunk man took a wrong turn and headed up a hiking path, and was forced to break into a bar (divine providence!) to stay warm for the night.

He was found by bar staff the next morning with a great drinking story.

Study: There’s poop on your clothes

If you’re the type of person who likes to go to a store and try on clothes before buying them, rather than just purchasing them online, the dying retail industry thanks you. But you should also know that you’re wearing some nasty germs.

Researchers have found that a lot of garments in stores have some nasty stuff on them. Because people touch them, try them on, and put them back, these things just sit there growing bacteria and viruses on them — even fecal remnants. You don’t even have to buy the garments, just by touching them, you pick up all of that stuff on your hands. And it sits there waiting for you to touch your eye, or your nose, or to eat something.

Worst of all, if you wear the clothes without washing them first, it’s all over you. And that’s our excuse for not going shopping with our significant others.

Police deny existence of shape-shifting tiger in NYC

The animals have always played fair, agreeing not to change into other animals — until now. If you live in New York City, now is a good time to panic.

A tiger, a real tiger, was reported on the streets of Harlem yesterday, sending authorities into a confusing and dangerous search. Residents were alerted on their phones to the danger of a loose tiger, and urged to stay indoors. Not long after, police said the beast was really just a raccoon, not a tiger. Yes, the NYPD wants us to believe that someone saw a raccoon, thought it was a tiger, and was so panicked that he or she called authorities, rather than just admitting that there is a dangerous tiger out there that has the ability to change its form.

For all we know, it could have turned itself into a human.

New Orleans cameras ticket parked cars for speeding

Speeding is taken very seriously in New Orleans. And the speeding cameras, which we know are just robots plotting against us, take it seriously as well.

Some New Orleans cameras take the infraction so seriously that they are issuing speeding tickets to parked cars. Yes, that’s a moving violation for a vehicle that’s not moving. Residents complain that they are legally parked on the street, and the cameras pick up their plates, rather than the offending vehicle’s as it passes through. Owners of the parked cars get the tickets, rather than the offenders.

One day, the robots will decide to fine us just for living.

No deal: Woman can’t trade car for Necco Wafers

There are a few candies hated by most people, but celebrated by a small but passionate few. Candy corn. Root beer barrels. Necco Wafers. People get nuts about this stuff.

A woman is so worried that Necco Wafers may be going out of business that she is offering her car for her favorite treat. The woman is from Florida, because of course it happened in the U.S. The company is trying to sell itself but can’t find a buyer yet and could close next month.

The woman offered candy wholesaler CandyStock.com her 2003 Honda Accord for the company’s entire Necco Wafers supply. CandyStock passed on the offer, making the first of two disappointments the woman will have in the coming weeks.

All the cool beer geeks are drinking dairy waste now

If there’s one thing we’ve proven here over the years it’s that we should not be considered a trusted news source. If there are two things that we’ve proven here, the second would be that beer is basically a miracle drink. But watch out, craft beer fans, we hear that dairy waste is the hot new trend.

Researchers at Cornell are brewing up an alcoholic beverage made from dairy waste — you know, appetizing stuff like that watery stuff at the top of your yogurt when you open it up. Who doesn’t love drinking that? Now you can drink it and get a buzz off of it.

The thinking is that if dairy waste can be turned into a marketable product, it will make the dairy industry that much cleaner and profitable.

Or you could just drink that month-old milk in your fridge. Probably some kind of fermentation in there, too.

 

Kick a moose and it will kick back

It’s easy for many of us to rail against our animal foes. We aren’t really near wildlife unless we take specific steps to immerse ourselves in the world of the animals. That’s not the case in Alaska, where you can get in a fight with animals at any moment.

In You Don’t Really Care What the City Name Is, Alaska, a man walked up to moose and her calf that were blocking his way. Frustrated, he kicked the bigger moose to get it out of the way. The moose kicked him back. Authorities say the man wasn’t seriously injured in the encounter, and the two moose had left they area before they could be questioned.

The lesson here, fellow warriors, is don’t try to beat an animal with strong legs at its own game.