Bird-eating tarantulas on the loose in England

The English summer of animal-related terror (we need to come up with a better name than that) continues on. We don’t want to alarm anyone, but Great Britain could be in the process of being overrun by tarantulas.

Britons, we’re not sure how to put this, but there could be some bird-eating spiders on the loose right this very moment. In Derbyshire, England, 10 pots were found in the parking lot of a store. All of them were labeled, “Brazilian pink bird-eating spiders.”

That’s somewhat odd, but not really cause for concern. But was is cause for concern is that two of the pots had been broken after being hit by cars. Three baby tarantulas were found in the other pots, and authorities worry that the parents may have escaped.

Bird-eating tarantulas on the loose? Maybe they could eat the drunken seagulls at the beach.

Alcohol trade group wants to legalize it, man

There was a time when the alcohol industry wanted nothing to do with marijuana. It didn’t want to be associated with illegal drug use. Apparently times have changed. Pass me a cabernet sauvignon, dude.

Last week, the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America, put out a statement supporting states’ efforts to decriminalize and legalize the recreational use of pot. This is not a small thing, because the group represents 80% of all wine and liquor wholesale distributors. If you drank something other than beer over the weekend, it probably came from these guys.

All this is great news for those stoner girls you knew in college who wanted a marriage of weed and wine in a single glass.

Here’s your nightmare for today

Sleep is pretty awesome. And yet, when you sleep, you are vulnerable to all sorts of attacks, like large animals falling on you.

In upstate New York, a man was sleeping in his bed, probably enjoying a nice peaceful dream offering him an escape from the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life, when a snake fell on him. A six-foot-long boa constrictor fell from the ceiling and landed on him, we’re assuming that woke him up. Imagine the terror of being woken up by the sudden impact of an animal falling on you, then discovering that that animal is a huge snake.

Turns out the boa constrictor escaped its enclosure somewhere else in the apartment building and was out for a stroll. Amazingly, no one was arrested and the snake wasn’t put down.

Sleep with one eye open tonight.

Arsenic: Another reason to stop reading

If there’s one thing we’ve always said here at SeriouslyGuys, it’s that you shouldn’t read. But do you listen? And now there are books that could kill you.

The library at the University of Southern Denmark recently pulled three Renaissance-era books that have arsenic on their pages. The books were covered in arsenic-laced paint that had been applied back in the 19th century, when people thought arsenic was totally safe as long as you didn’t swallow it.

So put down those books, people. It could just save your life.

Now we’re letting animals choose our beer for us

The U.S. craft beer market is pretty well saturated, and it’s no secret that this is forcing breweries to do some stunts to get attention from the public. But this (and sparkle beer) is where we draw the line.

A brewery in Los Angeles will soon introduce a beer whose ingredients were picked out by a bear. We’ve gotten to the point that we need animals to select what kind of beer we’re going to drink.

Earlier this month, Simmzy’s brewery placed several different ingredients near a bear at the L.A. Zoo. The bear chose hibiscus flower and honey. And so the bear’s honey-hibiscus beer will be available next month as part of a beer fundraiser.

Maybe Japanese brewers can have their psychic octopus pick beer ingredients. Oh wait.

Bear lives it up in hot tub drinking margaritas

Despite all the songs, shows and movies promoting it, living in California sounds pretty awful. You’ve got droughts, wildfires, earthquakes and Sacramento. And now you have bears stealing your booze.

A Southern California couple was relaxing with some margaritas in the pair’s backyard hot tub, when there was a bustling in the hedges. They were able to retreat into the house before a large bear came out and took over their party. The bear hopped into the hot tub, then knocked over the margaritas and licked them up. Not cool, bear. Not cool.

Of course, Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department claims to have searched for the bear but was unable to find it. Bet they would have searched harder if it was a black bear.

Thinking you’re Einstein may make you an Einstein

If you want to be smarter, all you need to do is see yourself as Albert Einstein, according to a recent study.

In a recent study, people pictured themselves as the famed physicist with some help from virtual reality. Wearing a body suit and VR headset, the test subjects saw themselves as Albert Einstein, and it turned out that they did better on cognitive tests because of it. Simply seeing themselves as someone smarter actually made them smarter.

These people were then mocked by people who saw themselves as jocks.

Drunk seagulls terrorize British beachgoers

Another summer, another assault on Britons by aggressive and unruly seagulls. This year, they’re getting drunk and rowdy.

In South West England, seagulls are getting drunk off of half-full (or half-empty) alcoholic drinks that people abandon on the beach. Which is concerning first, because if you can’t finish a drink, you shouldn’t order it in the first place, Nigel.

These drunken seagulls caw loudly, and probably say some crude stuff to women on the boardwalk. Firefighters were called when one seagull fell off of a roof and was too drunk to fly. The bird then threw up on a firefighter.

The seagull and two of his friends were taken in to the drunk tank.

Take pride, America: We’ve got a record stockpile of cheese

We’re only a day away from the most American holiday other than Black Friday: Independence Day. And while there are a lot of patriotic articles out there spouting tired old facts, here’s a new one: the U.S. has the most cheese stockpiled right now than it likely ever has.

According to a USDA report, America has some 1.385 billion pounds of cheese reserves, you know, in case there’s a run on pizzas. That number is higher than any level known since the cheese stockpiles started being recorded in 1917. That should make every American swell with pride, or Wis Pride.

This cheese is my cheese, this cheese is your cheese, from Monterey jack to Vermont sharp cheddar.

Japan turns World Cup-predicting octopus into seafood

Things always get weird around the World Cup. It’s been eight years since Paul the Octopus correctly predicted all of Germany’s matches, and then died. A new octopus has risen to the challenge, and got straight-up murdered for it.

Rabiot correctly predicted all three of Japan’s matches in the opening round of the 2018 World Cup, but his psychic abilities and sudden game weren’t enough to save his life. The giant Pacific octopus was chopped up and sent to the market as seafood, according to reports.

The Guys, of course, cheer Japan’s decision to treat its food like food, no matter how endearing it might become. We can’t risk having psychic octopi living long enough to overtake us.