Author: Bryan McBournie

The McBournie Minute: We’re getting dumber

I think it’s within us all to believe that there’s still more to come. We don’t like thinking that we may have peaked, or that all we have left is a slow decent into mediocrity. For some reason, we all think that in time, we will be better, more good looking, richer and smarter.

Well, that last one just isn’t going to come true for the human race as a whole, according to scientists. Mankind has gotten as smart as it is going to get. That’s it for us. The only way for us to evolve is down. And one could make a pretty good argument that we are already heading that way.

So, why are we not getting smarter, and what happens next? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We’re getting dumber

And we thought flying couldn’t get worse

We know that birds don’t like us, and they particularly focus on our vehicles to exact their revenge. Whether it’s crapping on our cars or diving into our plane’s jet engines, they just want to take us down.

Now, they’re taking their attacks to a new level. A bird decided to hop a flight from Madison, Wisconsin to Atlanta, and rather than flying itself, it decided to take a plane. The bird flew around the cabin of a Delta flight, terrorizing passengers, who were being made miserable just fine beforehand, thanks to the airline.

The brave passengers finally trapped the winged terrorist in the rear lavatory until landing. We’re short on details as to what happened after that, but we’re confident that the bird got some Atlanta-style justice.

You Missed It: Big Apple edition

Seems kind of quiet this week, without everyone talking about the debt ceiling drama, doesn’t it? Everyone’s heading out on vacation, including Congress. That can only mean one thing: The return of crappy television, punctuated crappy reality shows! If you were busy turning 50 this week, odds are you missed it.

In Apple we trust
Speaking of policy stuff, it was reveal recently that Apple now has more cash than the federal government, or as Steve Jobs calls it, Phase 2 of the Master Plan. Following the debt compromise deal thing, the U.S. Treasury has $2 billion less than the tech giant. In response to this, the government said it plans to introduce its own line of MP3 players this fall.

Not exactly ‘Rat Race’ (Alright, that one was a stretch)
Actor Rowan Atkinson, best known as Mr. Bean here in the U.S., escaped major injury when he crashed his McLaren F1 road car this week. Apparently, he lost control of the car on a slick turn, and ended up hitting a tree. Atkinson escaped with only a shoulder injury. Let this be a lesson t0 all you young drivers out there: No matter how cool it may seem, it’s never OK to drive on the roof of your car.

But can you surf there?
Scientists at NASA got all excited this week and held a press conference to announce that there may be some salt water flowing on Mars. Temperatures rarely reach above freezing in some places, but scientists have noticed geological features that seem to come and go with the seasons, which could mean water exists. However, since the surface is so salty, if water does exist on Mars, it’s salt water. So even if we go to Mars to explore, there still aren’t any cool aliens, and you can’t drink the water, it’s like New Jersey.

Fact: Fish love caramel

Every pet owner knows that one day their animal pal could turn on them–it’s a reality we all live with. Yet somehow we still get emotionally attached to our pets, doing crazy these like dressing them up in a sailor suit or buying them premium pet food.

Gary the gourami’s former owner was no different. He raised the fish on nothing but Kit-Kat bars. Because, you know, fish are huge chocoholics. When Gary was donated by his owner to the SeaLife Aquarium in London, he weighed nearly nine pounds (about $14.60). Somehow the fish has survived attempts on its life by high blood pressure and diabetes.

Even so, Gary will die one day, and we will be there for the fish fry shortly after.

Worse than a bear: A drunken bear

In what could be another sign of Eastern Europe’s softening in the War Against Sobriety, the Ukraine is putting the boot down on forcing bears to drink vodka.

Apparently, they have so much of the stuff over there that they cage bears and make them do shots at local bars. The Guys are appalled at this practice. Buying your sworn enemy a drink, sometimes several drinks? That, friends, is called giving aid and comfort to the enemy.

We could say it’s time to bomb the Ukraine, but in light of their government’s crack-down on animal drinking, and the fact that it’s pretty bombed-out as it is, we’re going to let it slide.

It’s time to ride the lightning

Prohibition is known as one of the darkest times in U.S. history, except for those who actually enjoy drinking paint thinner. But sadly, many states, including most in the South, have some form of blue laws restricting the sale of alcohol in some way. Well, once again, South Carolina is leading the region toward independence.

The state’s micro-distillery laws now allow for the legal manufacture of moonshine, which kind of defeats the purpose, don’t you think? The 100-proof white lightning will be sold small batches at a distillery that will also have a tasting bar and museum.

Great, so now we can all learn about how after a couple generations of having trees for best friends, the descendants of Irish, Scottish and Welsh who loved their whiskey, decided to make something that looks and tastes nothing like their preferred drink, and sometimes made them blind.

Super-casual Monday cancelled

The financial markets have been a little jittery lately, and for good reason, what with the U.S. debt crisis and all. But on Wall Street yesterday, people were nervous for a slightly different reason: a bunch of naked people were running around.

As part of an art performance project (of course), dozens disrobed and walked around Wall Street near the New York Stock Exchange. Three of them got arrested.

Actual quote from a real person:

“It was like out of a porn movie,” said shocked street vendor Ali Wafaa, 27. “I wish New York City would always be like that.”

Mmmmm, someone’s stock is rising.

The McBournie Minute: Homeless and carefree

The unemployment rate remains high, the federal government nearly defaulted on its loans and the price of everything seems to be going up. In all, this seems like a pretty sweet time to be homeless. Think about it: No bills to worry about, plenty of fresh air, and no one really cares if you drink in the morning. The best part about being homeless right now is that there’s a decent chance some of your friends are, too.

On my way to the office, I see homeless people–at least I assume they are homeless. They could just be on vacation and really, really like sitting outside during a heatwave. And I realized something: I’m the one who has to get up in the morning, I’m the one who gets stressed out from work all day, I’m the one who has to worry about how long my commute will take at the end of the day.

I ask you: Who is truly free: the people I see, or me? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Homeless and carefree

It’s about time we had a Mexican War II

America, we’re being invaded.

We’ve all heard about the harm illegal immigrants are doing to our nation’s economy, and how our attempts to shore up our borders are pretty lame. Now, it seems it’s not just people looking for some low-paying jobs and a better way of life that are crossing our borders illegally, it’s the soldiers, to0.

Last week, we were invaded by the Mexican army when a convoy of 33 soldiers “accidentally” crossed over to the U.S. side of a bridge over the Rio Grande. In response, our boys at the Border Patrol rounded them up, processed them, and sent them home.

Nice try, Mexico. You can’t make us take you over that easily!

You Missed It: Double jeopardy edition

Sorry if this entry is somewhat brief, I’m doing my best not to move. It’s basically the only way I can stay cool at this point. Well, there’s that and drinking while you’re in the office. You might as well, because odds are your employer doesn’t want you dying of heatstroke–at least not on company property. If you were busy getting ready for Shark Week, odds are you missed it.

Your move, Pat Sajak
Alex Trebek had a pretty big shock recently at a San Francisco hotel when he woke up to the sounds of a woman rifling through he and his wife’s things while they slept. Trebek leaped out of bed and chased the woman down the hallway before he hurt his Achilles tendon. In an interview after the incident, Trebek said the thief had a head start on him because he paused to put on underwear before giving chase. (Not making this up.) Yes, the 71-year-old Jeopardy! host sleeps naked. Too many answers.

Not as Happy Meal
In an effort to fight childhood obesity, McDonald’s is changing up it’s Happy Meal to make it healthier. Instead of a cheeseburger, fries and soda, kids can now choose choose 1% milk or fat-free chocolate milk instead of soda, or some apple slices, they can also between getting fewer fries than they used to. The only thing about the apple slices is that they are deep fried and covered in caramel.

Punting the debt ceiling
The U.S. is in grave danger, and I’m not talking the type daily danger Fox News tells me we face based on what President Barack Obama said during a photo-op, I’m talking about real, financial danger. The U.S. is just days away from defaulting on its loans, which would mean a downgrade in credit rating unless the debt ceiling is raised. Republicans in Congress are squaring off with each other over a plan to–oh, who the hell cares, FOOTBALL IS BACK!