Author: Bryan McBournie

Who wants to see some expensive cars in a wreck?

Monaco is not exactly known for being humble or understated. In fact, it’s pretty much only known for rich people going there and doing rich people things. So when there’s a multi-car accident there, it’s got to be good.

In all, five really expensive cars were damaged. Tragically, no one was hurt. Involved in the accident were Bentley Azure (worth about $400,000), a Mercedes S Class ($120,000), a Ferrari F430 ($230,000), an Aston Martin Rapide ($230,000) and a Porsche 911 ($130,000), causing a whole bunch of plutocrats to have to send their rides to the shop to fix some fenders.

We here at SG don’t believe in sexism–we love broads, in fact. So we will not make a joke from a report saying that a woman was at fault.

Warrior of the Week: An old Australian lady

We haven’t done this in a while, but finally, we have a person who showed uncommon valor when the war came knocking.

Her name is Phyliss Johnson, 94, of Australia, and was “taking the washing from the line,” which we believe roughly translates to “bringing in the laundry,” when a crazed kangaroo challenged her to a few rounds. Being 94, and probably in the featherweight division, it wasn’t long before Johnson was knocked down. In clear violation of the Queensberry Rules, the kangaroo then pummeled her with kicks.

Eventually, the senior warrior was able to grab a broom and fight back. She landed enough blows to make an escape and get into her house. Then the authorities arrived and dealt the kangaroo some justice–Aussie style. It was euthanized, and, we assume, thrown on the nearest barbie.

Our boat size appears adequate

It’s nearly Shark Week, which is every warrior’s version of Hanukkah, and we’re pretty sure our vain foes know it’s just around the corner as well. In fact, they must, because they’ll do anything lately to make a name for themselves.

First, they attack a little girl in shallow water at a North Carolina beach. Luckily, she’s OK, and like Pope John Paul II forgiving the man who shot him, she forgives her assailant. As if such a beast was even capable of remorse.

Then, a shark in South Africa decided to steal the spotlight by jumping into a boat. Big deal, we’ve written about sting rays and sharks jumping into boats before, right? Did we mention that this one was a great white shark? That changes things. A group of researchers doing a count of sharks (isn’t it easier to count them when they’re dead?) were given the scare of their lives when the great white jumped into the boat, demanding that he be counted. Rather than hacking the thing to pieces while they had the chance, they somehow got it off the boat and allowed it to escape. It’s like they want to be seals.

Crack open a new buzz

If you think you’re the hippest hipster around because you do all the fashionable drugs, we’ve got news for you: You’re missing out, man.

It seems there’s a new drug out there, all the cool kids are into it, best of all, it’s available at your local grocery store. Are we talking about meth cooked up from cold medicine? Nope. Way better. We’re talking about walnuts, man. And they are totally legal, until The Man figures out you can get a buzz off of them.

The McBournie Minute: Tables are not just for beer pong anymore

I’m convinced that being in your 20s is the most awkward period for people this side of high school. Sure, senior citizens might not feel too comfortable when a nurse changes their diaper, but at that point, do you really worry about things like that? Most of us, if we live that long, won’t really be all there by then.

It’s true that twenty-somethings enjoy a degree of adventure and freedom that older folks may not have in their lives, but it’s also a huge transition for most from their college days, the apex of their coolness, to their 30s, where they tell themselves they are still cool once they put the kids to bed. What makes it worse is that the friends you have had for so long make these transitions at a different pace than you.

Out of my friends, I seem to be transitioning the slowest. But recently I felt myself getting lamer. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tables are not just for beer pong anymore

The undead and financial problems

Wrenella Pierre of Florida died last November, and even though her family seemed unaware of it, Chase Bank was on to it. So the bank declared her as dead and sent a letter of condolence to her family. Only thing is, Pierre didn’t stay dead.

As is a growing trend with zombies these days, those risen from their graves want to keep using their bank accounts. They deem it so important that they fight the banks to declare them living, even thought they clearly aren’t. Now, this zombie is suing Chase Bank to get access to the funds she had when she was alive.

Nice try, Pierre. Just because you eat brains doesn’t mean you use them.

You Missed It: Just desserts edition

In case you have been nowhere near a television, newspaper, magazine, radio or computer in the last few days, you most likely heard about the heat wave that is hitting about half of the country right now. I am in Washington, D.C., where it is, 102 degrees Fahrenheit, or with the humidity, it feels like 121, no really. So I plan on drinking plenty of fluids, some of which might not exactly be water. If you were busy fighting Nazis this week, odds are you missed it.

English hospitality
Members of the British Parliament grilled News Corp. owner Rupert Murdoch earlier this week. Some British comedian, dressed like a hipster, gave Murdoch a shaving cream pie in the face while he and his son were giving their testimony, his young wife jumping to his defense. While I am fairly certain this is not standard for parliamentary hearings, if the Brits didn’t want it to happen, wouldn’t the guards have stopped a guy with a plate full of shaving cream as he walked through security?

End of story
After receiving no serious bids to be bought out, book megastore Borders raised eyebrows when it announced that it would close its doors for good and liquidate all of its assets in a matter of days. This basically leaves Barnes, and his ally, Noble, to rule the U.S. bookstore market, with more power than we could ever imagine. Lou Dobbs tried for years to tell us our Borders were insecure, and look what happened to him.

The good die young
Here’s something to cry about: The world will not see a significant amount of high-end Australia wine this year, like $1 million worth of it. A forklift moving 5,544 bottles of wine malfunctions and dropped the whole thing. This wasn’t the cheap stuff, either. This was 2010 Mollydooker Velvet Glove shiraz, which goes for about $185 a bottle. The total loss represents about a third of the company’s annual production. Only one case of the wine escaped unharmed.

Planking is dead

Remember when planking came over from Australia, and everyone thought it was really cool to lie flat on something where a person shouldn’t normally be? (Zany!) Well move out of the way, planking, there’s a new stupid internet image trend going on, and it’s called “owling.”

Yes, owling. Basically the same thing as planking, only instead of lying flat on something, you perch on it in a crouched position. How whacky is that! And the media is all over this new craze, because who cares about the debt ceiling if you can’t owl on it?

In case you are wondering, no, Owling.com is not your source for owling pictures.

Mount Everest may be embellishing its height

Mount Everest, it’s the New Jersey of mountains: Sure thousands of people have gone there and back, but a lot of people end up dying there, too. Now, the world’s highest point is in a matter of contention.

It seems no one’s sure how tall it is anymore. In 1954, a survey found that it was 8,848 meters (roughly 87,087 hands), but China has said repeatedly that it is 8,844 meters (about 0.00000001 astronomical units). This is putting Nepal and China at odds when they get into border talks. So Nepal plans to re-survey the mountain and settle the issue once and for all.

Dying to get away from it all

The news media is often accused of scaremongering because it doesn’t have anything else to report. This is pretty true, but really, it’s more that people only read about stuff that scares them. Regardless, in the height of summer, the news slows down because everyone’s on vacation instead of shooting each other, and media outlets are forced to scrounge.

That’s why this exists: Your vacation just might kill you!