In the old days, they just used a gun

A lot of people own pets, we’re OK with that because we know exactly where they are at all times. However, sometimes people get emotionally attached to their animals, even though they know they will outlive them. That’s where taking them (the pets) to the vet for that walk down the Green Mile before they get put to sleep comes in.

Now, you can have your pet killed in the comfort of your own home. In Minnesota, and we assume elsewhere across the country, you can have a service come to your house and euthanize your pet for you. Of course, then you have to worry about helping put your former pet into a trash bag and hauling the carcass out to their van, but hey, it beats going to the vet, right?

Some roommates are closer than others

There are certain times when lashing out at someone is totally called for. In Arizona, they don’t really see it that way and sentenced a 24-year-old man to three years of probation, and all he plead guilty to was aggravated assault.

This guy wanted to suck his roommates blood, as he had at least once before, but the roommate refused. Well, you don’t say no to Dracula. The man then stabbed his roommate in frustration.

In Arizona, aggravated assault gets you probation–that is of course unless you don’t speak English.

Them’s snowball fightin’ words

For those of us in southern climes, it’s mid-March, which means there are buds on the trees and temperatures are rising. In New England, it’s still winter–so much so that it’s still possible to have a snowball fight.

Unfortunately for two Massachusetts men, it’s also possible to get into a fight over a snowball. For some reason, one man threw a snowball at the other’s car, a sign of ultimate disrespect in the Northeast. The driver got out of his car and a fight ensued, now they are both up on assault charges.

They’re 39 and 40 years old. The magic of a New England winter makes everyone feel like a kid again.

The McBournie Minute: Tuning out the news

In case you hadn’t heard, not many people are reading newspapers these days. Opinions on why exactly this is vary somewhat, but one of the major theories is the rise of the 24-hour news networks. Well, it looks like that one’s false, according to a recent study.

CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and other, smaller news networks saw their viewership evaporate last fall, with CNN, unsurprisingly, leading the way. Don’t worry, the English dude who took over for Larry King ought to get them all back. But really, where are all of these viewers going, if they aren’t switching to one of the competing networks?

Well, I’ve got a few theories of my own. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tuning out the news

And now, monkeys and bras

Court rooms are serious places, I know this, because I watch a lot of judge shows. But not everyone has the same notion of how to respect the court.

A woman showed up for a court date with a small monkey in her bra. Why? Not really sure, but the monkey was wearing a dress, so it was totally kosher. Remember, folks, no matter how cute they are, no matter how much they beg, do not let animals hitch a ride in your booby pouch.

You Missed It: Baby on board edition

I’m writing this from my bunker. I’d tell you where it is, but then everyone would want to get in. With unrest in the Middle East and North Africa, and a devastating earthquake in Japan, I’ve decided it’s probably the end of times. I’m holed up here with a large amount of beef jerky, a bit of fresh water, and of course, Jack Daniel’s. I just wish I hadn’t forgotten toilet paper. If you were getting yourself fired from your hit show, odds are you missed it.

People will do anything to avoid bag fees
A flight attendant with Australian airline Virgin Blue lost his job this week for allegedly stowing a baby in an overhead compartment. The flight attendant said he was joking around with the parents. This has to have been a joke, you don’t put babies an overheard storage compartment. Everyone knows you put them in a cage and check them when you get your tickets.

Goodbye, Dalai
The Dalai Lama announced that he is ready to retire as head of the Tibetan exile government, which essentially means he writes books and goes on talk shows. “Tibetans need a leader, elected freely by the Tibetan people, to whom I can devolve power,” he said. “Now, we have clearly reached the time to put this into effect.” Wow, the turmoil in the East has claimed yet another brutal, oppressive dictator’s career.

Cleveland not knocking, apparently
A 9.1 magnitude earthquake struck off the coast of Japan today, killing hundreds between the quake itself and the tsunami that followed. There’s nothing funny about that, it’s tragic. But in tough times like these, our local media outlets are here to let us know that everything is going to be OK. The people of Cleveland can rest easy tonight, as its own WTAM news radio is reporting that the “Japan earthquake will have no effect on Ohio.

Every car has a bad experience with it

With gas prices on the rise, people are looking for some sort of relief. There are many different types of alternative vehicle fuels to choose from, including propane, natural gas, ethanol, biodiesel, hydrogen, electric, and of course wind power, when you attach a sail to the roof of your car.

But researchers in Australia are working on something different: Fuel made from tequila. OK, not actually tequila, that would be way, way more expensive than gas, especially on luxury cars, which would only take the top shelf stuff. Scientists are working with the agave plant, which is used to make tequila, to distill a fuel that traditional engines with a few modifications would run on.

The worm would give you extra mileage.

Hold the anchovies

Here’s a fish kill even species traitors can appreciate: Millions of anchovies washed up dead in California. In related news, apparently anchovies are native to California.

The much-maligned snack-sized fish died for an unknown reason. Even we don’t know what the cause it. Either it’s some brave warrior with a spear, really good aim and a lot of free time, or some crazy person is poisoning the water. They could be after unpopular pizza toppings–watch your back, pineapple!

Lady Gaga: Defender of decency

It’s looking like the world may never get to taste ice cream made from breast milk, aside from the youth of Siberia, where it’s the only way it can be served. The troubles keep piling up for Icecreamists, the makers of Baby Gaga, the breast milk-based ice cream that was supposed to go on sale in London.

Now, not only have U.K. health officials confiscated their product, but Lady Gaga sent them a cease and desist order threatening a lawsuit for naming a product something that sounds like her name. This is completely understandable, as the soft-spoken and demure Lady Gaga is known for her understated performances and upholding of the general morality.

There has to be a way to home brew boob ice cream.

North vs. North: Making whoopie

It’s been quite a while, but it looks like the states are going back to war with each other. This time, it’s not over some lofty idea, like that all men should be free, or that Georgia needs water. This time it’s important: It’s over the whoopie pie.

Maine and Pennsylvania–a rivalry as old as time itself–have been jockeying for credit for the invention of the whoopie pie, because they don’t have to worry about things like state budgets or creating jobs for their citizens. Maine says they’ve had it around since the 1920s, while some claim that the Pennsylvania Dutch invented it.

This can only come to bloodshed.