Another Thanksgiving, another genocide–just the way George Washington and Abraham Lincoln intended it when they landed on Plymouth Rock. But some people out there don’t just hate America, they hate their own species, and will do anything to help man kind lose its most important battle.
When it comes to Thanksgiving, these traitors can’t help but try to adopt turkeys to keep them from the slaughter. This isn’t like when the president pardons a turkey, because a pardon is based on the fact that you have committed a crime. In a sense, a presidential pardon of a turkey is an annual affirmation that the birds are after us, it is in their very nature. What these species traitors do is adopt turkeys, and then set up adoption programs to keep turkeys off of your table.
What’s next? A ban on leprechaun hunting on St. Patrick’s Day?
I’ve been doing a lot of flying lately. No, I’m not going to do one of those anthropological traveler-type columns–at least not this time. This time, I have a bone to pick with the TSA. Some call them lazy, some call them worthless, some call them nothing more than legalized harassment.
I say these guys are heroes. They are on the front lines of homeland security, day in and day out. On top of this, they have to wear those extremely blue dress shirts as part of their uniform. Because of this, they thank us for not laughing at them too much. Sure, they make us take off our shoes, empty our pockets, make sure our laptop is in a separate tray and confiscate our lighters if they happen to be looking at the x-ray machine at that moment, but they also make us feel safer.
People are getting after them about their new body scan photography stuff and thorough pat-downs, I say do more, and do it to me. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Hands-on security
Bristol Palin has a chance to do something her mother never has: win a nationwide election. Palin the Younger made it to the finals of the ironically-titled “Dancing with the Stars” this week, but at least one person wasn’t happy about it.
According to police, Steve Cohan, 67, of Vermont, Wisconsin (we checked, it’s a real place), took his shotgun to his television after seeing Palin dancing in last Monday’s episode. Apparently, in the People’s Republic of Wisconsin this is illegal or something, because it led to a 15-hour standoff with police.
New York and Paris have a lot in common, for example, they are both heavily romanticized in movies and are populated by insufferable douches. But now they’ve got one more thing in common: bed bugs.
Yes, like the city so nice they named it twice, gay Paris is in the midst of a terrible bed bug outbreak, and no one knows how to stop it. What’s particularly sneaky is that the infestation has been going on for three years, but we’re only now just hearing about it.
Scientists are able to distinguish French bed bugs from their American counterparts, because they smoke constantly and refer to their underground movement as “Le Résistance.”
So, who’s ready for a sequel to a surprise hit comedy that will almost surely fail to reach the genius of its predecessor, but be played more commonly on cable than the first installment because it costs less? That’s right, we all know The Hangover 2 is going to be made, and we all know that Mel Gibson is not going to be appearing in it.
However, former President Bill Clinton will be making a cameo. This could be the greatest presidential appearance in a movie since Jimmy Carter in An Officer and a Gentleman.
October is over, so once again cancer supporters feel safe enough to come out from hiding. It may seem hard to imagine, but there really are people that are pro-cancer and do not work in the tobacco industry. It’s worse, actually. It seems they have infiltrated our schools.
Two girls in Easton, Pennsylvania merely wanted to show their support for the awareness of breast cancer but were instead the victims of discrimination by the very people our tax dollars pay to educate them. These cancer mongers suspended the girls. Breast cancer has affected the lives of my family and friends, so this can be something of an emotional issue for me. I hope I am not going overboard when I say that these so-called authorities should be the victims of severe cases of chafing in the near future.
The girls’ only crimes were wearing “I (heart) boobies!” bracelets. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: ‘Boobies’ under attack
Time and time again, we are shown that it is foolish to fight a land war in southeast Asia. This time, it is the animals that are learning that lesson the hard way.
Scientists recently discovered a new species of lizard, and they found it on their plates. The lizard, which is entirely female and reproduces by cloning itself (we’re assuming this is science for “witchcraft”), is apparently quite tasty, because it can be found in several Vietnamese restaurants.
SG Recipe: Take a dozen Leiolepis ngovantrii, season with sriracha sauce, grill until blackened. Enjoy the taste of war.
Hello, how have you been? I have to say I had a really nice time with you the other night. No, there’s no need to pay for your half, it was my pleasure treating you. Listen, you seem really cool and all, but I’m just not sure I felt the spark that I was looking for. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t fight it, I need you, reader. If you were busy running in the New York Marathon, odds are you missed it.
Still better than capsizing
A cruise ship in the Pacific Ocean lost power off the coast of Mexico this week, leaving hundreds of people adrift with no way to keep food fresh or flush toilets. The Carnival Splendor had to be towed back to San Diego, after crew and passengers alike had to live on spam and granola bars for days while tolerating overflowing toilets. In other words, it was exactly like the Burning Man festival.
Former President George W. Bush made the rounds on mainstream media this week as part of the launch of his new book “Decision Points.” The Decider opened up to people like Matt Lauer and Oprah, telling them stories about his drinking days, when he asked his parents what sex was like after 50, and accidentally killing a goldfish when he poured vodka into the bowl. The working title of the book was “But Seriously, You Would Have Liked Me More 30 Years Ago.”
Wild turkeys are reportedly becoming a nuisance to the residents of Staten Island, N.Y. While there is no official count, estimates reach the hundreds. The birds crap everywhere, refuse to yield for traffic, and ignore pretty much anything you do to scare them away. Sounds like they’re well on their way to being New Yorkers. Say, isn’t there a holiday coming up that can take care of this problem?
In psychological warfare on animals, there are few weapons better than taxidermy. (Think we’re getting a lot of mileage out of the WoA this week? We don’t make the stories up, we just report them when the come across our desk. And yes, we only have one desk. This is a blog, after all.)
And in a lousy economy with the holidays just around the corner, you want to get that special someone a gift that means something, but will also be practical, too. May we present to you, the piglet bank. It’s a piggy bank that at one time was an actual piggy. No more of that fake porcelain pig crap, this is the real thing!
It’s also the perfect nightmare fodder for your annoying children!
It’s not enough for animals to attack us where we live, where we vacation or poop on our cars. No, the enemy is constantly coming up with new ways to defeat the human race, and it is only through the vigilance of this blog and you, alert reader, that we are winning this war. But now, the animals are after our manliness!
Scientists have determined that an animal–not humans, has the largest size huevos based on body mass. The winner is the bushcricket (Teehee!), whose males have testes which make up roughly 14% of their entire body mass, not that they’re really heavy or anything.
The Guys refuse to be intimidated by this.