Drink to your health

We’ve been saying it for years: Booze is good for your health. And once again, we ended up being ahead of the curve. A new study has found reason to believe that beer is actually good for your health if you’re an athlete. (OK, so they said non-alcohol wheat beer, but that’s not the point.)

In a scientific study involving thousands of people, researchers found that marathoners and tri-athletes who drank up to about three pints a day had less inflamation and decreased risk chance of getting sick than those who drank a placebo. (Non-alcoholic beer is a placebo to us.)

If non-alcoholic beer can do that, just think about how much better actual beer can be for you! Have you had your several pints today?

Fast cars, fast women

In the U.S., a man’s 21st birthday is a rite of passage. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience when a man’s friend’s introduce him to the bar’s toilet, something he’ll be seeing a lot of that year.

Then there people who just have better birthdays than others. While he was a complete dumbass for allegedly driving drunk and getting himself into an accident, a police report said a Virginia man was going 85 mph at the time of the accident and having sex at the same time. Not only that, but at one point they were partially in the back seat of the car, and there was a third party in the car along with them.

SG homework assignment: Figure out the mechanics of this one and report back on what you find.

The McBournie Minute: Among the hosers

Last week, a gritty and action-packed championship series came to a dramatic conclusion, with the team many thought was the weaker of the two walking away with the trophy. I am speaking, of course, about the Stanley Cup finals, in which the Boston Bruins beat the Vancouver Canucks.

I’ll stop for a moment and explain for my readers who are not from the Northeast. Hockey is a game played on a sheet of ice, there are two teams, each with a goal, and the team with the most goals wins. It’s similar to soccer, only it’s interesting. The National Hockey League has its playoffs every spring, and the winner gets the Stanley Cup.

I didn’t watch Game 7 in a bar somewhere with Boston fans. No, I spent it at the Canadian Embassy. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Among the hosers

Fighting the Wars on Animals, Poverty

Geese are one of the deadliest foes mankind has ever faced. Fortunately, they are also one of the tastiest. To make sure the dastardly geese no longer threaten our planes, New York airports are going to start killing off flocks.

What’s better is that they are then taking the carcasses and shipping them to Pennsylvania, where they will be fed to the homeless, presumably after being plucked and cooked. Why Pennsylvania? The discerning tastes of the New York homeless must not enjoy goose.

You Missed It: Passionate fans edition

If you’re gay, this was probably a big week for you. First, some dude from the New York Giants said gay marriage would lead to anarchy (because everyone knows there are no gay people in the NFL), then the U.N. Human Rights Council passed a resolution supporting the rights everyone, regardless of sexual orientation. Then, a California court overturned the state’s gay marriage band. Oh yeah, there were the Tony Awards, too. If you were busy resigning from office, odds are you missed it.

I love the way the light of that burning car catches your eyes
To the delight of dozens of hockey fans in the U.S., and none in Canada, the Boston Bruins won their first Stanley Cup (the award you get when you win the championship) in 39 years. Canadians, long known for their irrational moods, rioted in Vancouver. But in the midst of it all, two crazy kids found love, and found it by making out on the street while police in riot gear cleared out the crowds. I have always said that hockey is one of the most romantic sports out there.

I’ve been hacked
LulzSec, the group or whatever responsible for hacking Sony’s servers, hit the U.S. Senate and CIA web sites this week. They also released a statement saying that they release people’s web site account data purely for entertainment. In other news, I suddenly have a great cover story for when my girlfriend asks why I was shipped sundresses in my size.

The gang is down to fight
This week, Rebecca Black’s “Friday” music video was pulled from You Tube this week, amid legal issues. Her lawyers took down the song because of an ongoing battle with Black’s label, which they charge has been using the song for promotions without compensating the teen. In other news, it’s taken the better part of a decade, but a video was finally pulled from YouTube and no one’s upset about it.

Give this man a job with your vote

America is going through some hard times right now. Jobless rates refuse to drop, the market’s up one day and down the next and companies are being forced to tighten their belts. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney gets it.

You see, he’s unemployed, too. He pointed out that fact to a group of jobless Floridians yesterday, because he’s out of office. But unlike Romney, the Floridians were not multimillionaires.

The great peace of 2011

Neighbors can be a real pain. Here in the U.S., when neighbors make us mad, we do the sensible thing and pee on their flowers, but in Malaysia, things are more serious.

One man complained to the police about his neighbors dogs barking, which ignited a feud. The neighbor responded to the complaints by throwing paint cans through the man’s window and crashing into his gate. The bad blood continued for three years, but ended recently, when the two ended up signing a peace treaty.

And if anyone breaks the treaty? Well, then it’s time to organize airstrikes.

Koalas are moral degenerates

Of all the dangerous creatures in Australia, the koala bear ranks at pretty much the top. That’s why it’s called a bear. But there is good news for our Aussie allies in the War on Animals, the dreaded koala bear is slowly dying off.

In some areas of the country, koala populations have decreased by 80% since the 1990s, part of that is because we’ve been farming and taking away their homes, so they can’t threaten humans. But part of it is there own doing: Chlamydia.

Yes, that nasty bug you got your sophomore year is deadly to koalas, and they can’t help having unprotected sex with each other. What’s more, they are too dumb to cure it with antibiotics. Instead, they pass it along and doom their species. If only all our foes would be so kind!

Another one about cops in Washington state

As a general rule, it’s typically not a good idea to argue with police officers. It’s usually even worse to strike them. But what’s really bad is when you argue semantics with them.

Case in point: When an officer asks you why you are carrying a dead weasel, it’s best to answer him or her. Do not, insist it isn’t a weasel, but rather, a marten (which happens to be part of the weasel family, but that’s neither here nor there) and then punch the cop before running off.

Police still have no theories as to why the man had a dead weasel.

The McBournie Minute: Animals take no vacation

This past week I took a trip to South Carolina to visit family and get a chance to relax. For those of you who aren’t familiar, South Carolina is the one where they have their teeth, but their governor went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Sure, there are all sorts of jokes I could make about the state itself, or the people. But we all know that it’s in the South, and thus still believes the Civil War is going on.

What’s a bit unexpected about South Carolina is the danger that comes from being around the animals that live there. Everything from owls that can swoop down and carry away your pet at night to the the deer that wantonly eat your garden. Danger is everywhere.

And yet, I survived my trip there. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Animals take no vacation