Breast cheese is here

It seems 2011 may go down in history as the year of the breast milk. We’re not really sure why, but it’s happening. People want breast milk. The people may not get exactly what they want, but they may get some sort of a decent compromise.

An art project in New York is offering cheese made from human breast milk. Oh yes, it’s artsy cheese. Lady Cheese Shop, which is serving the stuff, is the project of a New York University student to get people talking about biotechnology, which isn’t working, because here we are, talking about, you know, boobs.

The breast milk cheese comes in three disgustingly-titled flavors: West Side Funk, Midtown Smoke and Wisconsin Chew. So if you have been dying to have some breast milk-related food, and find New York closer than London, it’s time you book your trip, friend.

Which came first?

New Jersey is probably not the sort of place you would go to pick up chicks, but one town there actually wants to control how many chicks there are.

In what is being hailed as a revolutionary effort to defeat our chicken foes, the township of Hopewell, N.J. recently adopted an ordinance on when chickens and roosters can get it on and how many hens you can have in a backyard hen house.

The problem, we’re assuming, is not that chickens aren’t tasty and go well with just about any side dish with a white wine, it’s that they are kind of disease-ridden when they aren’t dead, and the roosters can get a bit loud. Good move, Hopewell, population control is the only way to take these earthbound birds down a notch!

The McBournie Minute: Show me Martin Van Buren’s birth certificate

Before I begin, there are days when making fun of the news really sucks. Every now and then, something happens that just wipes everything else aside for a while, because people suddenly remember what really matters. And there are times when people just don’t feel like laughing. I know, because my first-ever column was published on Sept. 12, 2001.

Conversely, there are times when something so good happens that one does not dare to cheapen it by making light of it while the news still settles in. America got some great news last night, and while we may cover it tangentially, it’s just in bad taste to touch it right now. So bear with us, bear with me, here, for a bit while we try to act like there is more than one story out there at the moment.

So now, I present to you my theory on why President Martin Van Buren (1782-1862) was not a natural born U.S. citizen. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Show me Martin Van Buren’s birth certificate

No this isn’t the big news everyone’s talking about this morning

Los Angeles is a city where a lot of dreams happen, or at least appear to. They make the impossible possible, and some people live the fantasy we all dream of.

Two Los Angeles traffic officers lived the dream, allegedly, and are being suspended for it. According to the city, the two city employees got themselves in trouble for appearing in an adult film while on the job and in uniform.

Man, some people will do anything to get out of a parking ticket.

You Missed It: White dress, red eyes edition

I’m not sure what it is about this time of year, or the area in which I live, but my allergies have gone nutso in the past week. Tree sperm is everywhere here in Washington, D.C., as it is throughout the U.S., and for some reason it tells my nose to explode and my eyes to make it me look like I am high. That’s fine, I can handle it like everyone else,  but I can’t take antihistamines during the day, or I’ll be staggering around my office like a hungry zombie, which is generally a bad thing. If you were busy leaving the show that made you a household name this week, odds are you missed it.

Only 50 more years until they are king and queen!
You may not have heard, but Prince William and Kate Middleton got married this morning, causing thousands of American women to miss out on sleep this morning. By all accounts, it was a wonderful ceremony that went off without a slip-up, plus the Brits even got the day off. However, the ceremony proved to show differences between American and English cultures, including that it’s fine there for the maid of honor to wear white, and apparently the Brits like to dress for weddings like it’s the Kentucky Derby.

Not like he has a driver’s license, either
President Barack Obama released his long-form birth certificate this week in an effort to silence the birther movement, which is currently led by entrepreneur and avid fut-hat wearer Donald Trump. The move, of course, silenced no one, and did not put the issue to rest for many birthers. However, it did make huge efforts in fixing the economy and winning the war on terrorism.

Where’s the Man of Steel’s birth certificate?
In issue number 900 of Action Comics released this month, Superman announces that he plans to give up his U.S. citizenship. He says he doesn’t want people to see his actions as U.S. policy, and renouncing citizenship is the only way to fix it. This makes sense, because, you know, he really is an alien.

Saddam’s legend lives on

Remember Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator who was executed in December 2006 for crimes against humanity, including using poisonous gas on Kurds? Man, that guy was such a nut!

Because of all the good times the Iraqi people had with their wacky, ruthless dictator for so many years, it’s tough for them to accept that Captain Mustache is really gone. Yesterday would have been his birthday, and people are using it to spread rumors that he’s still alive, out there somewhere, despite the fact that we have leaked videos of both his death and his body in the morgue. Recently, a recorded phone conversation with someone who claims to be Hussein himself surfaced on YouTube, giving Iraqi conspiracy theorists even more to chew on. So it looks like the rumors may never go away.

One has to wonder, is Saddam Hussein Elvis or Tupac?

Rest easy, Arkansas

Good news, people of Arkansas (like you even have the necessary infrastructure for an Internet connection), you no longer have to worry about that huge escaped alligator anymore!

We told you last week that a gator broke out of the Governor Mike Huckabee Delta Rivers Nature Center, and was on the loose. (Mike Huckabee has not been disproven as an accomplice in the escape.) Workers found the gator a few feet from the fences, and brought him back inside.

So for our concerned readers in Arkansas, that’s now just 199,999 alligators you have to worry about.

Drink a piece of history

Some time in the early 19th century a ship was sailing across the Baltic Sea, bringing its cargo of champagne to the thirsty citizens on the distant shore. Only something went wrong, and the ship sank, taking the beloved booze with it.

Today, you can own a bottle of the oldest champagne around. The shipwreck was found last fall and bottles of champagne (and beer) were found, and as we called it all those months ago, the hootch is now up for auction! We don’t know about the beer and the other bottles, but two bottles of champagne will be up for auction in June, so get your wallets ready, drunkards.

Kyrgyz parliament knows who the enemy is

Washington could learn a thing or two from Kyrgyzstan.

The Kyrgyz parliament is split terribly these days, and in an effort to get their work back on track they decided to talk out their differences like reasonable people slaughter seven rams in an effort to do away with the evil spirits plaguing their work. When our own government nearly shut down earlier this month, it wasn’t because the Republicans and Democrats sorted things out, it was that The Guys sacrificed untold numbers of ants.

The McBournie Minute: Jane Velez-Mitchell wants you to starve

It heartens me to see that there are members of the media who are through turning a blind eye to the War on Animals and are finally addressing it on their shows. Unfortunately, it’s being highlighted on Headline News, so no one is watching. Nevertheless, this public forum is finally open, and we can now battle out in words with those who seek to subvert the human race.

I am speaking, of course, about HLN’s Jane Velez-Mitchell, who regularly highlights the battle of “Man vs. Nature.” Unfortunately, rather than taking a Dobbsian tone and sounding the alarm people don’t want to hear but should, she take the side of the beasts, and not to play devil’s advocate, either. She really means it.

Well, Jane Velez-Mitchel of “Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell,” I have issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Jane Velez-Mitchell wants you to starve