Author: Bryan McBournie

Sweet, sweet Neanderthal love

We all know that when it comes to animals, it’s either them or us, but what if the line between them and us was blurred. Get ready to have your world rocked, dear reader, because there may be some animal inside you.

A recent scientific study found that about 9% of humans, or just under one out of every 10 people, have an X chromosome that can be traced back to Neanderthals. The figures are roughly the same around the world, which suggests that our ancestors not only met Neanderthals after they left Africa, but they were also hooking up with them, too.

We were worried about this, but then we remembered that Neanderthals are just bones that the Devil put in the ground to confuse us about whether God created us.

The McBournie Minute: Your hometown sucks

Home, according to the most recent U.S. Census Bureau data, is where the heart is. But that’s not enough for your average person. For one reason or another, most people are proud of where they are from, and they really, really want you to know about it.

I live in the Washington, D.C. area, where almost no one is originally from, but tons of people from all over now reside. There are a lot of out-of-towners here because it’s the seat of the federal government, and all those juice contracting jobs that draw people here. It’s fine, because you get to meet all sorts of different people, but when you go out to a bar, it’s really tough to get people rooting for your team.

I think we’re all just a little too proud of where we are from. And when everyone’s proud, no one is. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Your hometown sucks

A bit overripe

In tough economic times like these, people are working to stretch their dollars as best as they can. One common method is growing a garden. Heck, even Michelle Obama has a garden growing outside the White House. But gardening is one of those things best done when wearing clothes.

An 80-year-old man in the U.K. was arrested and charged with three counts of indecent exposure recently, after neighbors complained he was gardening naked. (It seems pretty certain that if you’re 80 years old, you’re going to get some complaints, as no one wants to see your shriveled ass naked.) Neighbors kept up a list of naked chores he did around his place for a year and a half (!), which included cleaning his gutters and washing his car.

Naked old men washing cars? We smell a business opportunity!

You Missed It: The watchers edition

If you are reading this, I would like to congratulate you on not allowing your computer to melt or be washed away. It seems like so far this summer, we’ve either had historically-huge floods, or heat wave warnings telling us to keep old people inside. But most dangerous of all, is that it’s wedding season. You know what I’m talking about. If you were busy getting nominated for an Emmy, odds are you missed it.

Streaming mad
Netflix drew the ire of some of its customers this week when it announced price increases coming this fall. Instead of offering one DVD and unlimited streaming for one price, customers will now be charged for DVDs and streaming separately, adding up to a 60% price increase, or $6. Upset customers don’t mind paying extra for larger televisions with the latest technology, or smartphones that will be outdated in weeks, but $6 per week is just too much. The U.S. Postal Service stands to lose the most from this, as Netflix is basically the only thing people mail these days.

Escape from L.A.
In a matter of hours, Los Angeles traffic is somehow going to get worse than it already is. Sections of Interstate 405, a main thoroughfare for the city, will be shut down over the weekend, creating a mess for anyone trying to travel in the area. It’s being called “Carmageddon,” as opposed to “Karmageddon,” which is when the world ends because you forgot to tip your barista, and, like, what does around, comes around, man.

Does that make her an atheist?
Presidential candidate Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-Minn., formally quit the church she had belonged to for years this week. Though she had not attended church in at least two years, the separation is only now formal. Among the Salem Lutheran Church’s beliefs are that the Catholic Church is the anti-Christ. So take that, papist-haters, Bachmann probably thinks you’re spiritual slaves or something like that.

Support our Guys

You may have heard about a U.S. Marine asking actress Mila Kunis to his Marine Corps. Ball in Washington, D.C., later this year, well, in a move that clearly could not have been planned in response by marketers behind a new movie out this weekend, another Marine asked Justin Timberlake to be her date to the same thing.

Yes, we are obligated to note that both are starring in Screen Gems’ Friends With Benefits in theaters now!

So, in going along with this new trend, The Guys may not be Marines, but we are hosting our own little soiree, and we hereforth request the Pussycat Dolls–whoever the hell’s in that group now–to be our dates. Your move, A&M Records.

Trouble brewing in Minnesota

Folks, usually when we do Booze News, it’s to tell you that you’re doing just fine wearing your beer helmet around the office, but today, we can’t bring you good news. In fact, we’re talking about the shutdown of the Minnesota government, which has been going on for about two weeks.

What’s more sobering than that? How about no more Miller Lite beer for the foreseeable future? That’s right, MillerCoors, the unholy marriage of Miller and Coors, failed to renew its brand label registration in Minnesota before the state government shut down over a budget crisis, and they can’t sell their wares in the state until it’s renewed. The company could begin pulling its 39 beers from shelves as early as today.

So for all those Minnesota Miller/ Coors drinkers out there, while your government is out and you can’t reach for your favorite beer, try drinking something that’s not mass-produced for a change. Or just go get some whiskey.

Hit the gas

The Midwest is home to some good food, but it’s not the healthiest, and you will certainly feel it on its way out. For one Ohio man, it was enough to stop traffic.

A man stopped in the middle of the road in the metropolis known as Twinsburg, Ohio, got out, and started running around his car, yelling, “I have to fart!” Well, most of us do, but we manage to be a bit more subtle about it.

The man then drove off, and police later found him pulled off on the side of the road, complaining that he had to fart, but it hurt too much. Just another traffic jam in Ohio.

Sit down, have a drink

If you’re sitting down reading this blog, (and judging from our mobile hits, you are) you may want to crack open a bottle of red wine. Yeah, we said red wine.

A new study suggests that drinking red wine when you’re sedentary can help reduce muscle loss while you sit on your ass. Something about the antioxidants or whatever.

Sure, for now it’s just red wine that can help, and sure, it’s only been tested on lab rats, not humans, but we’re confident that studies will one day prove the same benefits from beer, whiskey, Jell-O shots and even that sugary crap your girlfriend drinks.

The McBournie Minute: The Dork of the Moon

Congratulations, America, I joined several thousand of you and finally saw Transformers: The Dark of the Moon over the weekend. It was pretty much what I expected it to be: Big, loud and better than the second one. But this isn’t a movie review. We leave that duty (Ha, I said “duty!”) to our own Chugs Taylor.

I’m here because while I respect Michael Bay and his ability to Michael-Bay the crap out of movies, there are some serious problems with the movie, how it happens and so on. Before I get into it, yes, I realize it’s a movie about a race of alien robots that come to Earth and all speak English for some reason or another, so we need to suspend reality to a degree.

But for a movie that relies on physics and actual history as much as this film does, it has to play by at least some rules. I’m going to flash my space dork skills on this one. Heads up, there be spoilers ahead. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The Dork of the Moon

Bet they couldn’t say ‘I do’

If Slumdog Millionaire taught us anything, it’s that India is a strange place. It’s strange not only because of kids climbing in poop, but in many areas of the country, monkeys live alongside people in a manner never intended by nature.

But now, India has given the monkeys the right to marry. Two monkeys recently, one of which is a chronic smoker, got married in a private ceremony recently, and everyone thinks it’s so cute. The problem here, like we need to tell you, is that they are humanizing the beasts, blurring the line between us and them. When it comes to a war, being able to tell the good guys from the bad guys is paramount, and as James Franco will show us later this summer, the monkeys will eventually try to dominate the world.

Perhaps we can just go with monkey civil unions.