Author: Bryan McBournie

You Missed It: The written word edition

You’ll have to excuse me if I sound excited today. I’m actually writing this while waiting in line for tickets to see Zookeeper. I camped out all night on the hot sidewalk, along with dozens of others, in order to get tickets to this thing. I didn’t sleep well, so I’m wired on 5 cups of coffee. Also, I’m waiting for them to let me in so I can use the men’s room. If you were busy blasting off for the last time, odds are you missed it.

In the U.S., a newspaper folding is called “Tuesday”
The U.K.’s News of the World tabloid newspaper will fold on Sunday after 168 years in the business, after hacking the cell phones of celebrities, the families of victims of terrorist attacks and even a missing girl. Ah, England, everything’s so quaint there! They have chimney sweeps, they use “motorways,” and they still read newspapers.

How will our youth read baseball jerseys?
So long, curly Ls. Schools in Indiana this fall will no longer teach cursive, because learning how to type is far more essential in the employment world–until the machines learn to read our thoughts, that is. Schools will be able to decide for themselves if cursive will go the way of shorthand in their districts. This could be a massively bad idea for the Indiana government, however, because one day, Indianans won’t be able to put their signatures on their checks to the state.

O’Lar bears
Polar bear enthusiasts around the world were thrilled this week at the announcement that the polar bear did not evolve from bears in Alaska, it actually came for the bears of Ireland. Fortunately, Saint Patrick drove all of the bears out of Ireland, making him one of the first warriors against animals in history. Shocking side revelation, apparently polar bears and grizzlies are interbreeding from time to time, creating hybrid offspring. Where’s Saint Patrick when you need him?

Natural disasters are sexy

It’s a little-known fact that the city of Phoenix is located in the desert. It’s true, The Guys have been there. One of the most dangerous parts about living in a desert city, aside from the proximity to Reno, Nevada, is that of sandstorms and duststorms.

But the most dreaded of all are haboobs. Here are some barely SFW pictures of the massive, heaving haboob in Phoenix. It’s hot!

Not so fast, Mr. Slither

Hey, remember back in like 2005-2006, when everyone thought it was hilarious to hear Samuel L. Jackson, a senior citizen, complain about the presence of limbless reptiles on his aircraft? Remember when someone made that B-movie called Snakes on a Train? Well, this is closer to the second one.

Except it’s in Japan. A snake sitting on a seat on a train held up the line for a while, not because he didn’t have a ticket, but because they had no idea what the thing was and had to get animal control to take care of it–and it didn’t have a ticket. The snake was red and white, and was nearly a meter in length (that’s like 8-9 feet at the current exchange rate, we think).

We don’t know what happened to it after it was apprehended, all we can do is hope that scientists don’t perform experiments on it, causing it to grow into a monster. We’ve seen how that one goes.

Roasting!

Charlie Sheen.

OK, we won’t be so lazy as to walk away after on one-liner like that. But, you remember that guy, right? He was winning and people thought he was awesome because he’d say outrageous things at the drop of a hat. Then we all realized the dude has some serious issues. Well guess what, America, you’re getting more of it.

Charlie Sheen has just signed up to do Comedy Central’s roast. The roasts are usually very watchable, especially when Bob Saget or William Shatner is the subject matter. But didn’t everyone get tired of Charlie Sheen about two months ago? Get ready for more of him when the special airs in September.

A slow stampede

Cows are among the deadliest animals out there. They travel in packs and can deliver a nasty bite if they feel like it. Recently, a town in South Wales was overrun by cows, the people are living in fear.

About 20 cows wandered the streets, looking in windows, eating up lawns and pooping wherever they felt like. What’s worse, is that it could happen all over again. The people are tired of being woken up by mooing from the stray cows, and are considering legal action against their owner.

You Missed It: Cut the music edition

Happy Canada Day, from our sister site, SeriouslyGuys.ca! We are sure you are all ready to celebrate the random day Canada awarded itself to celebrate … itself. And suspiciously, Canada placed its special holiday just a few days before the anniversary of the day we gave the finger to England. No, matter. Poutine for everybody at our Toronto headquarters! If you were busy signing off your pundit show for the last time this week, odds are you missed it.

Meanwhile, Limp Bizkit would love some publicity
Rep. Michele Bachmann came out as a presidential candidate this week, using by Tom Petty’s “American Girl,” and Katrina and the Waves’ “Walking On Sunshine” as songs at her first rallies. Unfortunately, neither Petty, nor Katrina and her Waves were not pleased that their songs were being used, and asked the campaign to stop using their songs. Cover bands are able to play whatever songs they want, as long as they pay a few cents of every dollar they make from it. So Bachmann campaign, here’s what you do: Form a cover band to play at the rallies, call them Michele Bachmann Overdrive. You’re set.

Another lockout
The NBA is on lockout after the organization and the players’ union could not reach an agreement on collective bargaining or something like that. This means that in the fall and winter we could be left with hockey once the World Series is done. No football, no basketball. To welcome its new NBA refugee viewers, the NHL will introduce a 3-point line, and no one’s really going to try until the last five minutes of the game.

Magic powder
Remember Aaron Carter? No? He was the little brother of one of the dudes in the Backstreet Boys and had a song or two that *ahem* only pre-teen girls were into. Well, he’s a lot older now, but somehow he found a way to stay relevant. In a recent interview with OK! Magazine, Carter said he used to hang out with Michael Jackson, who served him wine and cocaine when he was 15. Carter said he never said any drugs were offered. That seems plausible, but how else was MJ supposed to keep the kid awake for late-night wrestling sessions?

The dude from the Facebook movie buys MySpace

MySpace, woah. Dude, it’s like I’m back in 2005 or something, trippy.

Yes, apparently no one has the heart to take a shotgun tp MySpace, the Old Yeller of social media web sites. New Corp., whose social media presence has lasted all of about 18 months, figured out that the kids weren’t into MySpace so much anymore, so they decided to get out before the whole thing went belly up.

They sold it off for a cool $35 million, after buying it for the bargain-basement price of $580 million six years ago. One of the buyers is Justin Timberlake, who was in The Social Network, the Facebook movie. Perhaps he was high when he made this purchase.

Let’s see if the media can come up with any clever headlines for this.

Can you do better? Bonus points if your headline incorporates an *N Sync song title.

Wretched reptiles!

Lately, when we think of threats to our nation’s airports, we think of geese and other birds. After all, geese are what cause the Miracle on the Hudson plane to come down. But animals are no longer just attacking planes in the air, they have taken their battle to the runways, too.

Turtles, terrapins to be exact, attacked John F. Kennedy Airport, named after famed New York Mayor Fiorello La Guardia, by scrambling around on the end of the runway. The turtles held up take-offs for well over several minutes before they were shooed away.

Nice try, turtles. Come back when you’re ninjas.

Something else for women to be self-conscious about

Ladies, if you’re not satisfied in bed, it may not be the fault of your man (at least that’s what we’re hoping), it might actually be related to part of your body, and not the one you’re thinking of.

Scientists, despite never having seen one in real life, are researching the mysteries of the female orgasm. According to a new study out of Scotland, women seem to be more likely to finish if they have the right set of lips–on their mouths. Apparently, the bigger the size of that little dent on your upper lip, the easier it is for you to get off.

In future news, a study has found that the size of a woman’s lips may also get him going, too.

Behold, the next step in politician evolution

Hey! Did you know that X-Men is a popular movie series that a lot of registered voters out there have seen? Rep. Michele Bachmann knows.

She said recently that not only is she running for president, but she has a “titanium spine,” you know, in case anyone thought she was made of mere bone. You know who else has a titanium spine? Wolverine. This is a great idea, presidential candidates can liken themselves to a popular character in a summer blockbuster.

Coming soon: Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman is … Optimus Prime!