America is going through some hard times right now. Jobless rates refuse to drop, the market’s up one day and down the next and companies are being forced to tighten their belts. Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney gets it.
You see, he’s unemployed, too. He pointed out that fact to a group of jobless Floridians yesterday, because he’s out of office. But unlike Romney, the Floridians were not multimillionaires.
Neighbors can be a real pain. Here in the U.S., when neighbors make us mad, we do the sensible thing and pee on their flowers, but in Malaysia, things are more serious.
One man complained to the police about his neighbors dogs barking, which ignited a feud. The neighbor responded to the complaints by throwing paint cans through the man’s window and crashing into his gate. The bad blood continued for three years, but ended recently, when the two ended up signing a peace treaty.
And if anyone breaks the treaty? Well, then it’s time to organize airstrikes.
Of all the dangerous creatures in Australia, the koala bear ranks at pretty much the top. That’s why it’s called a bear. But there is good news for our Aussie allies in the War on Animals, the dreaded koala bear is slowly dying off.
In some areas of the country, koala populations have decreased by 80% since the 1990s, part of that is because we’ve been farming and taking away their homes, so they can’t threaten humans. But part of it is there own doing: Chlamydia.
Yes, that nasty bug you got your sophomore year is deadly to koalas, and they can’t help having unprotected sex with each other. What’s more, they are too dumb to cure it with antibiotics. Instead, they pass it along and doom their species. If only all our foes would be so kind!
As a general rule, it’s typically not a good idea to argue with police officers. It’s usually even worse to strike them. But what’s really bad is when you argue semantics with them.
Case in point: When an officer asks you why you are carrying a dead weasel, it’s best to answer him or her. Do not, insist it isn’t a weasel, but rather, a marten (which happens to be part of the weasel family, but that’s neither here nor there) and then punch the cop before running off.
Police still have no theories as to why the man had a dead weasel.
This past week I took a trip to South Carolina to visit family and get a chance to relax. For those of you who aren’t familiar, South Carolina is the one where they have their teeth, but their governor went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Sure, there are all sorts of jokes I could make about the state itself, or the people. But we all know that it’s in the South, and thus still believes the Civil War is going on.
What’s a bit unexpected about South Carolina is the danger that comes from being around the animals that live there. Everything from owls that can swoop down and carry away your pet at night to the the deer that wantonly eat your garden. Danger is everywhere.
And yet, I survived my trip there. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Animals take no vacation
The police may not have many friends in certain circles, but in Everett, Washington, it’s even worse.
There, the local cops have to deal with all the troubles that are sure to arise in a quiet Pacific Northwestern town, like cats in trees, coffee burns and directing traffic when it gets foggy, but on top of that, they have the animals to deal with. A group of crows is continually attacking police officers as they walk from their cruisers to the officers, swooping down on them, with no respect for the badge.
One officer tried to scare off the birds with his siren, only to have the crows crap all over his cruiser. Hey guys, you do have your service pistols on you, right?
It’s always seemed to me like the official beginning of summer is a bit off from reality. The summer solstice is June 21, still weeks away, so it’s still technically spring. Meanwhile everyone’s brought out the summer wardrobes and going on summer vacations and such. The beginning of fall still feels like summer, winter seems to arrive for everyone weeks earlier than Christmas and spring, well, who the hell knows. I think we need to readjust the season calendar. If you were busy getting your face recognized on Facebook this week, odds are you missed it.
Get ready for Weiner jokes
By now, you’ve all heard about Rep. Eric Weiner getting caught with his pants down on Twitter. After admitting this week that he did in fact send the lewd tweet, Weiner cried. Really? You send a crotch shot and you start crying because of how it hurt your family? Weiner called former President Bill Clinton for advice. If you’re embroiled in a sex scandal, Clinton is probably not your source for reasonable advice.
Campaign funding by the Sheinhardt Wig Company
Alec Baldwin is a noted actor and Sean Connery impersonator (“Most things in here don’t react well to bulletsh.”), but once he leaves NBC’s 30 Rock, he may be shooting for City Hall. Baldwin said he’s considering running for mayor of New York, but won’t say anything for certain, given that election day is still more than two years away. Greatest. Plot twist. Ever.
The crystal ball is a bit foggy
It was the largest police investigation ever seen in Liberty County, Texas. Authorities descended on a rural home after a psychic tipped them off about a mass grave with dozens of bodies, some of which were children. The only problem was, there was nothing there, and there was no evidence that anyone had ever been killed there. On top of that, the owners were out of town. If you’re away from home, the last thing you want is a call about something happening to your house, but tons of cops going through your home and property? That has to be worse.
Australia seems to have lost its files detailing many of its UFO encounters, the country’s Department of Defence said recently. A newspaper Freedom of Information request force the government to look for the files, but they have gone missing.
Where could they have gone? Here are a few our our theories:
On June 6, 1944, the Allied Forces made the largest-scale amphibious landing the world has ever seen, better known as D-Day. The effort gave the Allies a foothold in occupied France, and led to the war’s end a year later. A lot of lives were lost that day, so we honor their memory on the anniversary of the operation, each in our own way.
In Oklahoma, that means paintball.
Just as so many brave men did 67 years ago, armies clashed in a battle for the future of Europe — armed with paintball guns, you know, just like they did it before. About 3,000 people too part in the re-enactment of the operation over 800 acres. We’re guessing that the whole amphibious part was left out, since Oklahoma doesn’t exactly have any beachheads to storm.
Here in the U.S., a girl’s sixteenth birthday party is a cherished thing, even though no one can really say why, exactly. In Germany, they really get into the celebration for a girls’ sweet 16.
A German teen named Thessa was planning a shindig (the kids still use that term, right?) for her birthday and decided to invite over a few friends, via Facebook. Only thing is, she forgot to set the party page to “private,” and over 1,500 people RSVP’d. Thessa fled her parents’ house as a crowd showed up, some bringing presents, other carrying signs.
Over 100 police officers had to be used to control the crowd. Now that is how you celebrate womanhood!
