Whatever, the princess is still single

Video games are getting more and more popular with the older crowd, even though they aren’t selling too hot these days. However, if you play those games long enough, you’ll eventually get to the real-life level where you have lost your spouse, according to a survey.

A study by Divorce Online (for all your divorce needs, especially when you start to regret marrying that video game character), more women are filing for divorce with complaints that their husbands spend too much time playing games, and, we assume, not enough time pleasing the ladies, if you know what we mean, gentlemen. (We mean folding the laundry.)

The animals have sea-to-air missles

Many of you may be planning to head south for vacation, now that summer is unofficially here. Well, don’t. That is unless you’re ready to walk into a war zone.

Nowhere is safe right now, not even when you’re on a boat. Over the weekend, a female boater’s leg was broken when a sturgeon weighing up to 75 lbs (!) jumped on board and landed on her leg. Luckily, no one else was injured, and we assume that the sturgeon was dinner.

What’s shocking is that sturgeon seem to know exactly how to attack us, because this is the fifth time it’s happened this year alone. Grab a fishing rod, guys, it’s justice time.

Just hope your swimming partner doesn’t spring a leak

There’s not much to celebrate in Lithuania — or at least that’s what we think, because we can’t name a single reason to go to that country in the first place. Well, until now, that is.

There, they celebrate men in the manliest way possible, by having a National Men’s Day, which of course, is celebrated by 20 men having a swimming race with inflatable dolls. This year, the winner of the annual race was Liudas Pestininkas and his date, “Vaida.”

“Vaida was a very good girl, and only listens to me. She is cool. Other participants don’t have dolls as cool as mine,” he said.

Warrior of the Week: Mark Zuckerberg

Like everyone else in the world, we’re a bit paranoid about what Facebook does with all of our information, but we just can’t help uploading our wild pictures from the party the other night. However, Mark Zuckerberg has gained a lot of street cred in our books, recently.

The founder of Facebook is now only eating what he kills. No, really, if he’s going to eat a salami sandwich, he hunts down a wild salami and kills it, before slaughtering it and serving it up. This also means he is personally executing all sorts of animals before he eats them, including a confirmed pig and goat.

You Missed It: Apocalypse now edition

I try to learn something new every week. Last week, I learned hoe to put the seat back down after I pee. This week, I learned about the IMF. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of IMF, was arrested and charged with week with sexual assault. The news itself is pretty shocking, but what surprised me the most was that Strauss-Kahn was the head of IMF. I always thought it was Jim Phelps. If you were busy faking a child botox story, odds are you missed it.

The end is near
You have probably heard by now that a group of crazy people Christians believes that the world is going to end tomorrow, beginning with the rapture, just like the Bible promises. Sure, the Bible also says mankind will not know the day the Big Guy decides to end it all, but that’s not stopping these folks. However, this could be why Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a child with a former house worker. The End of Days star is repenting.

Someone’s not planning on meeting God on Saturday
Stephen Hawking this week said that the idea of Heaven is nothing but a “fairy story,” which is just another quaint term the British have come up with. He said that computers don’t have a Heaven, and like those machines, when a person’s parts break down, it’s life ends and that’s it. Hawking forgot about the fact that machines are closer and closer to being self-aware, thus becoming able to repair themselves forever. How could such a brilliant man miss such a huge point? Perhaps the machines have already gotten to his speaking computer thing.

And if that wasn’t enough, zombies, too
In both the television show and graphic novel forms of The Walking Dead, the Centers for Disease Control plays a crucial role in figuring out a way to stop the zombie virus before the undead kill off all of humanity. This week, the CDC didn’t announce a cure, but they did acknowledge the existence of zombies, encouraging everyone to have an emergency kit in case the dead begin to rise. Food, water, tools and other supplies are listed, but the CDC fails to include baseball bats or shotguns. Thanks, CDC, my closet full of rolls of toilet paper will really come in handy when the zeds break down my door.

Take me to your brewer

The Space Shuttle program is coming to a close. While a lot of you out there might not care, you should, and here’s why: Not going into space means you can’t enjoy space beer.

We told you about how Sapporo Breweries grew barley from grains taken into space, but now, 4 Pines Brewing, of Australia, has come up with a beer designed for enjoyment by space tourists. They are saying with a straight face that even though zero gravity makes your tongue swell up a bit, affecting your sense of taste, the flavor of the beer will make its way through.

They say the altitude makes you get drunk faster on a plane, so maybe a single beer in space is enough to get smashed.

Editor’s note: Ever feel like all of our “That Whacky Australia” stuff is de facto “Booze News?”

Danger is a turn-on

Humans are sexual beings, it’s just how we are. But why do humans make soda machines so sexy? Each of us walks around every day, doing our best not to mind soda machines sexually attractive. Police say one Oklahoma City man lost that battle.

Authorities were called to a grocery store from suspected shoplifting. When they got there, they found a man hiding behind a soda machine with his pants down, pleasuring himself, police say. But it didn’t end there. The man was charged and arrested. As he was being processed at the police station, the arresting officer walked away momentarily, only to come back and find the guy with his pants around his ankles, going at it again–while still handcuffed to a bench, according to the report.

Folks, sometimes a guy just has to blow off some steam.

Make your bacon jokes now

There are a lot of questions on this one, but the good news is that the pig is no longer at large.

A Washington State Trooper saw a 500-lb. pig escape from a minivan through a broken window. The pig proceeded to run down the sidewalk. Well, you just can’t let something like this happen, so the trooper tried a stun gun to slow it down, even corralling the beast with his vehicle, but nothing worked.

That’s when the cop shot the pig. And we are left to assume that ham was had by all that evening.

Who allows their pigs to grow to weigh 500 lbs? Who transports their morbidly-obese oinkers in a minivan? And how does such a pig get enough of a jump to clear a broken window in said minivan? How was the window even broken?

Whatever, one less menace on the streets.

Eating a salad through your nose

We’ve all heard the stories about how in this economy, bartering for goods and services is on the rise, but remember, try not to use this on police officers.

Police say a 33-year-old woman in Utah approached an undercover officer wanting to buy some cocaine. However, she did not have a whole lot of cash on her, so she offered $2 and a salad from Olive Garden in a to-go box. (It should be noted that in Utah, to-go Olive Garden salads are traded on the stock market.)

Apparently, those hardasses in Utah feel that soliciting a police officer for illegal drugs is some sort of crime, and the woman was arrested. No word on who ended up eating the salad.

Don’t worry, we celebrate it every day

Bad news for all of you nudists with a green thumb: You missed World Naked Gardening Day, which happened to be this past Saturday. If you have to ask how one celebrates, you may want to get yourself a CAT scan.

Basically, the idea of going out and tending your garden (and we do not mean than euphemistically) sans clothing is supposed to make you feel more in tune with nature and your surroundings. Think of it as an attempt to simplify one’s life, and also getting a decent tan.

The worst news here is that you probably just missed your last World Naked Gardening Day, because the world is going to end on Saturday, according to a Christian group traveling around the country. Of course, if you believe the world is over in a few days, why bother wasting your time with a garden? It’s not like you’ll be enjoying the fruits of your labor before Judgment Day.

Come to think of it, why spend your time reading a blog?