Alcohol’s Sputnik moment

There are many battle calls made, especially by this blog. But never, never has such a call been as important as it is today. We’re losing to Russia.

America: We need to drink more, we’re falling behind in a lot of things, education, economic sway and quality of life to name a few, but alcohol consumption is one area we just can’t afford to lose. According to the World Health Organization (WHO?) from 2003 to 2005, Americans drank only 5-7.49 liters of pure alcohol per person annually on average. To put that in perspective, Russia’s up in the 12.5+ range, along with pretty much all of Europe. During those years, The Guys were in college, so we definitely upped the average for the sake of the red, white and blue.

Are you doing your part?

It’s a little early for green beer

There’s a greener way of doing things, and if you’re drinking a beer, you could be helping to clean up the earth. Sure, the crops that go into making beer, the water added, the electricity used during the process, the energy used to make the glass bottle, the labeling and capping of said bottle, and the hauling of your six-pack to your local store, where you brought it home, may all have a negative impact on the environment, but things are getting greener!

Now, the stuff left over from making beer can be turned into methane, which can be used to power the brewery. They’ve got just such equipment at the Magic Hate brewery in South Burlington, Vermont (holla!), and apparently other places have them, too. So the next time some teetotaler harasses you for drinking too much beer, just tell them you’re helping save the Earth more than they are.

In Soviet Russia, sun revolves around you

It seems like every few weeks there’s a new study out saying that Americans are stupid. We don’t know or care enough to read food labels, we can’t teach our children, we consider ourselves members of the Tea Party, etc.

Well, one out of three Russians hold geocentric beliefs. What’s that, you don’t know what that means? They think the sun rotates around the Earth. Eat it, comrades, you’re dumber than we are!

The McBournie Minute: Welcome to romance town

It is said that Huntsville, Alabama is the quickly becoming the sexual utensil capital of the U.S., but guess what, Rick Snee? My town has managed to out-romanticize you. At least that’s what Amazon says.

For the second year in a row, Alexandria, Virginia has been named the most romantic city in the country. Any resident can tell you this is true, right down to when we dig Cupid out of his hole and see if he’s scared by his shadow. However, it’s the more subtle things that Amazon.com found that put us on top again.

However, I’ve got a few issues with how they judged this. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Welcome to romance town

The gift that keeps on hissing

So apparently today is Valentine’s Day, which we are sure all of our male readers out there already know about. If you’re going for the last-minute, spur-of-the-moment-style gift, might we make a suggestion for you: A Madagascar hissing cockroach.

The Bronx Zoo is letting people name its roaches, and thinks that it’s the romantic thing to do. As hopeless romantics, the guys know the ladies will love this. In fact, you can go a step farther and name the roaches in your apartment after her.

You’re welcome, gentlemen.

You Missed It: Cut the music edition

Good afternoon. I wanted to speak to all of you today because I have a very important message for all of you. I know that many of you have been calling for me to step down at once, but for the good of the blog, I cannot heed that request in good conscience. Good to your houses, go back to work. Wait, you can’t do both, can you? Either way, I’m not stepping down. If you were busy being elevated to the stage on Sunday for a grand total of 30 seconds before being lowered back down again, odds are you missed it.

Guitar Hero is dead. Long live Guitar Hero
The game-changing video game Guitar Hero is officially dead. Well, it’s mothballed at least, as far as Activision is concerned. The game maker cited declining sales as its reasoning for stopping production of new Guitar Hero games for now. Also a reason: People have hated music games since bars brought them in. It’s like karaoke, but worse.

Viral campaigning
In 1796, President George Washington gave his farewell address as he left office, and public life, for the last time. He warned against the U.S. getting itself into entangling treaties, and of course, married Congressmen posting shirtless personal ads of themselves on Craigslist. Rep. Chris Lee of New York stepped down this week after pictures surfaced of him shirtless, and looking for love. The family man apparently didn’t realize that it’s a lot easier to find your husband–or local congressman–online if you include a picture.

And from the world of too much funding
Science told us this week that according to a new study, the more popular a child is, the more likely he or she is to be a bully. The researchers who conducted the study asked for worker’s comp because of injuries related to “excessive atomic wedgies.”

I see a tax in your future

Romania is continuing its hard-line stance against witches, so that probably means get ready for an influx of illegal immigrants making it to the East Coast on their brooms.

Witches, soothsayers, palm readers and such are now being taxed, but a new bill being considered by the Romanian legislature proposes to fine or jail those whose predictions don’t come true. Romanian witches, who apparently have a union or something, are none too thrilled with that idea.

“They can’t condemn witches, they should condemn the cards,” Queen Witch Bratara Buzea told The Associated Press by telephone.

[via Brooke H.]

Mac vs. Pagan

The iPhone can now save your soul. We realize that this is something that members of the Apple cult thought it could do all along, but it’s only now that in can, and only if you’re iCatholic.

A new app called “Confession” lets you confess your sins and gives you a penance without the pesky having to go to a church and talk to a priest. Of course, there’s always the odd chance you’ll get hacked and everyone will know you’re having sex outside of wedlock. And yes, at least some of the Church is saying this is a good thing.

So for those of you keeping score at home, if you’re a Catholic, you’re a mere mortal, and thus unable to pray to God and ask for forgiveness for your sins, you have to go through a man who has devoted his life to the service of the Lord–or an iPhone.

They’d like it if it was Valentin’s Day

The Guys really love Valentine’s Day, because we’re all sentimental and crap. That’s why we’re just going to come out and declare Russia a horrible, horrible place to live. That’s right, Russia has joined with Axis of Evil member Iran in hating the feast of St. Valentine.

Well, the Russian province of Belgorod, anyway. The Russian Orthodox church and social conservatives have condemned the holiday as a foreign holiday that has no place in their country–basically what Cinco de Mayo is to the U.S. We know Putin will set this right. He’s a romantic.