Profiles in bad parenting

High school is a rough time for most people. Unless you’re slutty or reasonably athletic, you’re just trying to get through the day and avoid any notice from your fellow students. One dad in Utah decided that being a sophomore in high school (in Utah, too) wasn’t hard enough.

He decided to, every morning, dress in a different costume and wave to his son’s bus as it passed by in the morning, humiliating his kid. The man, who for some reason named his son Rain, dressed up in 180 different costumes over the course of the school year, including a pirate, Michael Jackson (the white one, we assume), and a bride. In other news, this kid’s virginity is safe until college.

We’re not really sure about the source’s labeling of this “best prank ever,” It’s technically not even a prank, since the victim is not actually triggering the event itself.

The McBournie Minute: Summer movie title guide

It’s June, which means the summer movie season has been churning for a good six weeks now. Kidding! It’s only been three or so, even though summer hasn’t really even begun yet. With this ever-expanding summer movie season, it seems like studios are somehow able to release more films than ever, so it’s hard to keep track of them all. That’s why I devised a new system: figure out what movies are about purely based on their titles.

This is a technique I developed recently. My friend Graham, who is a reporter in a small North Carolina town, has been covering the shooting of The Hunger Games, which is being shot in said town. Apparently, this is a big deal, because he has all sorts of updates. For example, if you want to know what sort of spider is skittering by as he camps outside the closed set, he’ll tell you. Unfortunately, neither Graham nor I have any idea what the movie, or the book it is based off of, is about. Luckily, based on the title, I determined that it is about the first-ever Olympics only for people with eating disorders. And you can bet I’ll be seeing it when it comes out.

Now, on to some of this summer’s surefire winners! Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Summer movie title guide

Silence of the insects

Not all animals are big and mean and able to attack us at a moment’s notice, others have to settle for just annoying us. Take just about every insect out there.

Included in is this the cicada, a group of which decided to wreak havoc with one man in Tennessee. The man called police, complaining that he was being kept awake by heavy machinery all night long, worse, that the problem had been going on for over a month. The cops investigated, only to find that it was the chirping of cicadas that was keeping the man up at night.

This is how it happens. They slowly drive us insane by making us lose sleep and tying up our emergency services.

You Missed It: Going my way edition

The short week, better known as the second-best thing about a long weekend, is just about over. That means the weekend is here again. You may wonder if there is anything to write about this week, since so many people were off on vacation and such. Well, let me put it this way: We aren’t so bored that we’re tweeting pictures of our bulges. You only get that treat around the holidays. If you were busy getting indicted on conspiracy and campaign law violation charges this week, odds are you missed it.

Where the streets have no public transportation
If you see someone hitchhiking, you should assume that person wants to kill you. However, if you see U2 frontman Bono hitchhiking, pull over for him, but don’t ask him about politics. Seriously, that guy will talk your head off about his opinions. The Edmonton Oilers’ (that’s a hockey team) Gilbert Brule was driving along the streets of Vancouver when he pulled over for a hitchhiker. It ended up being Bono. The singer had been out for a walk one night, when it began to rain and he found himself stranded. One must imagine that Bono’s shiny glasses and belt probably helped him hitch a ride at night.

Hey fatso, eat this
The ancient Egyptians built the Pyramids to last forever, and so far they’re doing a pretty good job. The Food Pyramid, however, didn’t live to see its 20th birthday. This week, the Department of Agriculture did away with the pyramid no one had the heart to say was really a triangle, and introduced the food plate. Food experts hailed it as a new way for Americans to ignore government health suggestions.

iKidney
According to the Chinese media, a teenager sold his kidney, not for charity or some other reason that might enter the realm of a good reason to sell an organ. He sold it to  buy an iPad 2. But you know it’s probably a cheap knockoff that he got, anyway.

Cat fight in Australia

Oh Australia, you’re so cute! Here in the U.S., we have real problems to discuss, like wars, a lax economy and whether or not a member of Congress tweeted a crotch pic to a woman. In Australia, they deal with such quaint things like meowing at each other.

Australian Finance Minister Penny Wong was speaking at a hearing when a senator meowed at her. Wong got upset with blokes for what apparently is a sexist comment in the Down Land Under (or some combination of those words), saying that the senator would not have meowed if it had been a man testifying. The senator later apologized via Twitter.

Woof.

Whatever, the princess is still single

Video games are getting more and more popular with the older crowd, even though they aren’t selling too hot these days. However, if you play those games long enough, you’ll eventually get to the real-life level where you have lost your spouse, according to a survey.

A study by Divorce Online (for all your divorce needs, especially when you start to regret marrying that video game character), more women are filing for divorce with complaints that their husbands spend too much time playing games, and, we assume, not enough time pleasing the ladies, if you know what we mean, gentlemen. (We mean folding the laundry.)

The animals have sea-to-air missles

Many of you may be planning to head south for vacation, now that summer is unofficially here. Well, don’t. That is unless you’re ready to walk into a war zone.

Nowhere is safe right now, not even when you’re on a boat. Over the weekend, a female boater’s leg was broken when a sturgeon weighing up to 75 lbs (!) jumped on board and landed on her leg. Luckily, no one else was injured, and we assume that the sturgeon was dinner.

What’s shocking is that sturgeon seem to know exactly how to attack us, because this is the fifth time it’s happened this year alone. Grab a fishing rod, guys, it’s justice time.

Just hope your swimming partner doesn’t spring a leak

There’s not much to celebrate in Lithuania — or at least that’s what we think, because we can’t name a single reason to go to that country in the first place. Well, until now, that is.

There, they celebrate men in the manliest way possible, by having a National Men’s Day, which of course, is celebrated by 20 men having a swimming race with inflatable dolls. This year, the winner of the annual race was Liudas Pestininkas and his date, “Vaida.”

“Vaida was a very good girl, and only listens to me. She is cool. Other participants don’t have dolls as cool as mine,” he said.

Warrior of the Week: Mark Zuckerberg

Like everyone else in the world, we’re a bit paranoid about what Facebook does with all of our information, but we just can’t help uploading our wild pictures from the party the other night. However, Mark Zuckerberg has gained a lot of street cred in our books, recently.

The founder of Facebook is now only eating what he kills. No, really, if he’s going to eat a salami sandwich, he hunts down a wild salami and kills it, before slaughtering it and serving it up. This also means he is personally executing all sorts of animals before he eats them, including a confirmed pig and goat.

You Missed It: Apocalypse now edition

I try to learn something new every week. Last week, I learned hoe to put the seat back down after I pee. This week, I learned about the IMF. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of IMF, was arrested and charged with week with sexual assault. The news itself is pretty shocking, but what surprised me the most was that Strauss-Kahn was the head of IMF. I always thought it was Jim Phelps. If you were busy faking a child botox story, odds are you missed it.

The end is near
You have probably heard by now that a group of crazy people Christians believes that the world is going to end tomorrow, beginning with the rapture, just like the Bible promises. Sure, the Bible also says mankind will not know the day the Big Guy decides to end it all, but that’s not stopping these folks. However, this could be why Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a child with a former house worker. The End of Days star is repenting.

Someone’s not planning on meeting God on Saturday
Stephen Hawking this week said that the idea of Heaven is nothing but a “fairy story,” which is just another quaint term the British have come up with. He said that computers don’t have a Heaven, and like those machines, when a person’s parts break down, it’s life ends and that’s it. Hawking forgot about the fact that machines are closer and closer to being self-aware, thus becoming able to repair themselves forever. How could such a brilliant man miss such a huge point? Perhaps the machines have already gotten to his speaking computer thing.

And if that wasn’t enough, zombies, too
In both the television show and graphic novel forms of The Walking Dead, the Centers for Disease Control plays a crucial role in figuring out a way to stop the zombie virus before the undead kill off all of humanity. This week, the CDC didn’t announce a cure, but they did acknowledge the existence of zombies, encouraging everyone to have an emergency kit in case the dead begin to rise. Food, water, tools and other supplies are listed, but the CDC fails to include baseball bats or shotguns. Thanks, CDC, my closet full of rolls of toilet paper will really come in handy when the zeds break down my door.