The McBournie Minute: The Seaward!

For the first time in quite a while, we’ve had a shocking moment that came from neither WikiLeaks nor Charlie Sheen. The new year has its first scandal, and we didn’t even make it a week. Apparently, someone over at the USS Enterprise is going to get in trouble for some inappropriate humor.

A series of videos were made involving crude humor, in the form of homophobia, assumed nudity and use of an Incubus song as part of the soundtrack. The videos came to light this week when a newspaper, unable to figure out a way to put the videos in printed form, posted them on their website. The most shocking part is that it was an officer of the Enterprise who was behind all of it.

To everyone’s surprise, it was not Capt. James. T Kirk this time. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The Seaward!

Keith Richards will never die

A new year, a new threat, America. It seems the British are going to live longer than we thought, and that leaves us open to attack.

The British government said that it will have more than half a million citizens living to be over 100 years old. That means there will be more of them around to invade our land and impose taxes on tea. While some un-American types would have you believe that the Brits are our allies, let us remember that we have been at war with the English since 1775.

Here in America, not only do we believe in freedom from tyrannical figurehead monarchs, but we also choose to die earlier than the limeys through cheeseburger-related means–and we’re damn proud of it.

Waiting for a wax job

A wise man, I believe it was Ben Franklin, once said that no matter how silly it is to us Americans to have queen, we must respect others’ cultures. So when we make fun of people who care about a man currently known as a prince getting engaged to what appears to be a flat-nosed demon, we take it in stride for the sake of our limey allies.

But now, it appears Lady Katherine Middleton, a commoner, mist wait until her wedding vows are said and done before she can join her waxen in-laws in Madame Tussaud’s in London. That means we have to wait at least a year to have out pictures taken with the bride-to-be whose likeness has just a hint off enough to make her look creepy, like everyone else in the building.

OutsourceVille is the next logical step

You can’t stop progress, despite what the hippies say. Just look at how we ourselves went from an agrarian society to working in skyscrapers in just a few generations. It seems now that progress moves even faster than that.

Farmers are once again being pushed off their land by urban sprawl, as the Facebook game “CityVille” has overtaken the annoying “FarmVille” as the most popular app on the social network. And it only needed a month to do it. Let’s face it, no one was surprised when FrontierVille was tamed as the westward expansion continued, but FarmVille being knocked off as number one suggests a major economic shift in EconomyVille.

And if history has taught us anything, that means get ready for federal subsidies, FarmVillers.

But what’s the message in the pink camo?

It’s cold outside, but as I am told, that is completely normal for the winter. What are not normal are guerrilla artists, you know, those people who think graffiti can be pretty, or that your local mail box should really look like R2-D2.

Recently, one such guerrilla artist covered the “Charging Bull” on Wall Street in a crocheted cozy. Why? Because they had a lot of free time, and who isn’t tired of seeing pictures of people cupping the bull’s huevos? Let’s see them try to crochet all over Lady Liberty!

The McBournie Minute: Rush out and read these because I didn’t

When I am not working, drinking, playing XBox or some combination thereof, I am constantly reading books. I think it’s important for any serious writer to read regularly. What can happen sometimes is that one reads so much they start emulating a writer’s style as their own without event thinking about it.

I’m currently reading The Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant (no, really), so if this sounds like it was written to restore my family’s wealth as I am slowly dying of throat cancer, you’ll know why. Other times, I find myself writing 1,000 pages when really, I could have just done about 250, that’s when I’m on a Tom Clancy kick. But as much as I read, I don’t get to read as many books as I would like, and I certainly never write any reviews.

So, here now are some reviews of books I have not actually read. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Rush out and read these because I didn’t

Another thing the iPhone doesn’t

Every few months we get some sort of a rock concert-PowerPoint presentation-type announcement from Steve Jobs about the latest and greatest Apple products. One thing we are sure not to hear about are the iPhone’s restaurant-robbing abilities.

A man walked into a restaurant in Connecticut, holding what appeared to be a gun and demanding money. When the cooks grabbed knives to defend themselves and the man took off. Police found him later, and they found that the man actually only had an iPhone on him.

All this, and not a single “app for that” joke.

Not even the Christmas spirit can get you out of this one

In a world where laws just can’t keep up with the changing nature of the war against nature itself, it’s nice to focus on the times when the law goes right for you and me, and get after those who would betray us.

In Baltimore County, Maryland, a group of species traitors saw a deer struggling to keep its head above water. Rather than point and laugh, the people tried to save the deer, and ended up being successful. Luckily, a Maryland Natural Resources Police officer was there to write them all a ticket. Because in the War on Animals, helping the enemy is a war crime.

Think about it: If you were drowning, would a deer save you?

Death comes at a price

Recently, my office held its Christmas holiday party at the National Museum of Crime and Punishment, it was pretty cool. We got to see Bonny and Clyde’s shot-up car, some famous criminals’ guns, and even an electric chair that was used for decades in Tennessee.

Now, it seems, capital punishment isn’t what it used to be. In fact, there were fewer executions in 2010 than their were a year earlier, according to the Death Penalty Information Center. Has the U.S. undergone some sort of shift in its views on the death penalty? Is crime going down? Nope, it all comes down to money.

States avoided using the death penalty because it costs a lot to kill an inmate, unless you shank them. Also, there’s a shortage of the drugs they use for lethal injections. Also, in an economy this tight, does it really make any sense to kill another taxpayer?

We just want you to be healthy

It’s cold season once again. And that means it’s time to take care of yourself, but that’s no easy feat around the holidays. Well, you can always take echinacea, right? Nope.

As it turns out, echinacea doesn’t really do anything for your immune system when it comes to battling colds, which means you’re better off sticking with your old family cures, like taking vitamin C, eating chicken soup, or getting drunk. Hey, alcohol kills germs. That’s science.