Sound waves could cure your E.D.

For guys, there is little more important than being able to get an erection when you want to. Which is why there are so many different drugs for erectile dysfunction. But guys are so desperate to have their penis work that they are fine with using sound waves.

GainsWave is a procedure where tens of thousands of sound waves go through a penis. Why? Because your junk appreciates a good tune. Also, because it supposedly helps improve blood flow. The developers of the treatment say the sound waves are stimulate the growth of new blood vessels and tissue.

So it’s kind of like talking to a plant.

 

Robots get pulled over just like humans

Many examples of good science fiction use robots or androids to explore what it means to be human and to strive to be like humanity. We used to think that ethical questions about human/robot equality were in the distant future. They’re here today.

A driverless car was pulled over by police in San Francisco and given a ticket, you know, just like a human. Authorities say the car failed to yield to a pedestrian at a crosswalk. (We’re not sure if we can libel a machine by saying it actually did the crime.) According to Cruise, the operator of the car, a pedestrian was detected in a crosswalk about 10.8 feet away, and the car just blew on by, rather than stopping. A police officer on a motorcycle pulled the autonomous car over after witnessing the infraction.

Nice try, machines. But if you want to really be like humans, slam on your brakes and lean on your horn until the idiots get out of your way.

Hawk attacks start War on Animals anew

It’s spring time here in the Northern Hemisphere, and that means the animals have moved from their winter quarters and are on the attack. The War on Animals is here again.

In Connecticut, it’s off to an early start. A bunch of hawks are terrorizing the good people of Fairfield. Local police have warned residents to be careful after several residents have reported hawks swooping down and attacking their heads. State and federal officials have even gotten involved. Hoping to relocate the offending hawks.

You would think they would learn that there’s only one way to deal with these creatures.

(Actual) clown running for Congress

With politics the way they are these days, it’s hard to imagine things getting more ridiculous. But voters in South Carolina could have a chance to send a real clown to Washington, D.C.

Steve Lough is a former clown with Ringling Brothers. But apparently he’s hanging up his big floppy shoes and ready to represent the people of South Carolina’s fifth district. He’s running as a Democrat, and seeking his party’s nomination for this fall’s election. Lough said one of his main issues is preventing mass shootings from happening again.

So, he’s a sad clown.

New York City is running dangerously low on snacks

A few weeks back, we learned that Johannesburg, South Africa is expected to run out of water in April due to a severe drought. But New York City is facing a crisis far worse: it’s running out of Cheetos.

Stores across the city are running low on Cheetos because of a labor dispute with delivery drivers. Frito-Lay recently cut the pay of its drivers in the New York City area, prompting a fair amount of them to quit. The worker shortage has caused less frequent deliveries, which means stores are running out of Frito-Lay products.

So as you sit at the dinner table tonight, surrounded by loved ones, and polish off a bag of Doritos, remember the less fortunate.

Jesus is back and he wants pizza

After taking nearly 2,000 years off, Jesus Christ has finally returned. And as it was foretold in scripture, He returned to break into a Pizza Hut in North Carolina.

In the wee hours of the morning, Christ broke a window at a Pizza Hut in High Point, N.C. and ate a pizza, washed down with a Mountain Dew. The Son of God, because He’s a pretty honest guy, then called 911 to report what he had done. He identified himself as Jesus Christ, and announced that He had some back to Earth. And lo, then the dispatcher asked him what He looked like. The King of the Jews replied, “I look like Jesus — what else am I supposed to look like?”

He then gave the dispatcher a message to spread to all of God’s children: “We’re tired of Judases on this Earth. We’re going to clean this Earth up.”

The unbelieving police officers soon arrested Him, and charged Him with breaking and entering and larceny. They even falsely booked Him under the name Richard Lee Quintero. This is God’s plan.

Romanian zombies clog up the courts

Romania is known in this part of the world for spooky stuff, mostly, vampires. But it turns out that the country has its share of zombies, too. And they are clogging up the legal system.

Constantin Reliu, 63, died a few months ago, according to his wife and the paperwork she filed to declare him dead. So when he returned home from a trip to Turkey in January, Reliu wasn’t pleased to find out of his death. He sued to have his death certificate overturned, but the Romanian courts know a zombie when they see one. The court told him the death certificate could not be overturned.

In the same week, a Romanian court ruled that Valerian Vasiliu should have his driver’s license reinstated. The only problem is that Vasiliu is dead. In March 2017, Vasiliu had his license revoked. He immediately appealed the decision, only to die last October. So when the court made its ruling last week, they were essentially telling a zombie he can drive again.

The dead are rising, and getting clever.

Olympic rings: Condom makers look forward to 2020 Games

We’re still two years away from the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, but condom manufacturers in Japan are getting excited.

Olympics athletes are given condoms during the games to help promote safe sex. Japanese condom makers are ready for the chance to show off their products, which are just 0.001 millimeters thick. Japan boasts to have thinnest rubbers in the world, and it plans to show off its world-class product in Olympic village.

That means everyone is ramping up production now to make sure they have enough on hand when the games open. It really is an international celebration.

Walmart wants robots to put bees out of work

As readers of this blog know, humanity is under attack from many different groups: monsters, aliens, zombies, educators and of course artists. But the biggest threats are animals and robots. Walmart wants to combine the two.

Walmart wants to put bees out of business the way it did mom-and-pop stores across the country by using robots. The company filed a patents for robotic bees that pollinate crops. This is obviously very frightening. Walmart wants to put robots and bees at war with each other, and the winner will come for us next.

It’s about time we research robot insect spray.

Australia on high alert after giant ducky breaks free

There is a giant inflatable yellow duck drifting somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Her name is Daphne, and her owners are seeking help in getting her back.

All of Australia is on alert following reports of a giant ducky floating away from a swim event. The Cockburn Masters Swimming Club, which held the event, had bought Daphne as a sort of mascot. During the swim, Daphne caught some high winds and was blown out to sea.

We can only assume that Daphne is out there in the ocean, plotting her revenge and waiting for the right time to strike.