Stuffed toy tiger in standoff with police

Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.

In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.

A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.

No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.

Give the gift of a reusable rocket

We’re a week away from Valentine’s Day, and you probably haven’t gotten anything for your significant other, have you? Isn’t it time you got them something really special?

Maybe you should get that special someone a space rocket. You’re in luck, because there’s one on Craigslist going for just $9.9 million. The SpaceX Falcon 9 is listed in “good” condition, which just some minor burns and only light use. The down side is that shipping isn’t available, so you need your own tug boat. And then you’ll have to haul it all the way from Cape Canaveral, Florida. But that will make it mean that much more to your Valentine.

It’s a lot better than naming a star after them.

Science: Booze is good for your brain

Large amounts of alcohol are known to have an ill effect on the brain (aside from headaches), but new research suggests that lower amounts can actually improve your brain function. That’s right, booze not only makes you feel smarter, it might actually make you smarter, too.

Researchers have found that lower amounts of alcohol, we’re talking a drink or two tops, can help improve the function of the glymphatic system, which helps clear waste from the body. Mice that were given small amounts of booze showed had less inflamed glial cells in the brain than mice that weren’t given a drop. Meaning, the alcohol actually helped the mice clean their brains faster than if they’d just stayed sober.

So if your brain could use a good cleaning, maybe relax with a couple drinks and let the booze do the work.

Don’t drink beer like the ancient Greeks

“Name an IPA after me, not that jerk Pliny.”

When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.

Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.

The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?

Super Bowl news hole: Wings around the world

It’s the Thursday before the Super Bowl, which means we’re on the home stretch of awful and stupid stories trying to fill the void of the two weeks leading up to the big game. Just hang in there for a few more days and it will all be behind us.

But until then, let’s talk about stupid things. For example, did you know that on Super Bowl Sunday, Americans will eat enough wings to circle the Earth three times over? Estimates are that 1.35 billion wings will be consumed on that highest of high holy days. And you just know that some of those will be boneless, because America isn’t strong anymore.

You know what? Let’s just watch that Eagles fan run into the pillar in the subway again.

Hurry up, Sunday.

Foolish scientists teach orca to speak English

Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.

Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.

The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.

Bangkok is sinking because of its brothels

Bangkok, it’s the city so nice they named it exactly what it does. But did you know that it’s sinking? Turns out the one thing you know about the city is what’s to blame.

Thai police are cracking down on Bangkok’s world-famous brothels, but not for the underage sex workers and other illicit activities (that’s a separate crackdown). Authorities want the brothels to stop illegally tapping into groundwater, rather than paying for utilities, for use in their “soapy massages” for clients. The draining of these underground aquifers is causing the city to sink, they say.

Once again, the brothel districts in Bangkok are so seedy that not even the water is legal.

Donkey takes goats, sheep on the lamb in L.A.

Los Angeles has had a rough go of it lately. It’s had a drought, wild fires, mudslides and NCIS: Los Angeles. But things somehow got even worse for Angelenos when a pack of animals ran loose on the streets.

Authorities say a donkey led a herd of goats and sheep through the streets of an L.A. suburb late last week. The beasts refused to comply with lawful orders of police officers to go home. They even managed to evade the cops attempting to arrest them. Considering how friendly L.A. cops can be when arresting you, this shows quite a bit of defiance.

Eventually, police tracked down the owner of the animals, which it was found had escaped through an open gate. The owner helped herd the animals, which for some reason were not charged with a single crime.

Deer will bring the zombie apocalypse, science says

Zombies are pretty prevalent throughout pop culture these days. There are movies, shows, books and comics that all deal with the mythology of an undead plague coming to eat you as humanity comes to an end. But most of the time, there’s no origin story for the cause of the zombie horde. We now know that it’s deer.

Zombie deer disease has been found in the U.S. and Canada, but authorities would rather you call it “chronic wasting disease” so you don’t induce a panic. It’s a neurological disease that affects’ deer’s behavior, and researchers are worried it’s going to make the jump to people someday soon.

To help delay the end of mankind, please shoot deer that don’t have any fear of you, and maybe don’t eat that venison your buddy gave you.

Hawaii governor couldn’t tweet missile false alarm because he forgot password

More than a week ago, Hawaiians panicked after someone accidentally sent out an incoming ballistic missile warning. Eventually everyone learned that it was a false alarm, which prompted them to do some private browsing, but the all-clear could have come much sooner if the governor of Hawaii could remember his password.

Gov. David Ige said yesterday that he would have tweeted out that the it was a false alarm earlier than he did, if only he had remembered his password. He learned just two minutes after the alert was pushed to phones that it was false, but didn’t get the word out on Twitter for another 15 minutes because he had some issues logging in.

Ige promised that his password would be changed to 12345 so he’d never forget it again.