Bear lives it up in hot tub drinking margaritas

Despite all the songs, shows and movies promoting it, living in California sounds pretty awful. You’ve got droughts, wildfires, earthquakes and Sacramento. And now you have bears stealing your booze.

A Southern California couple was relaxing with some margaritas in the pair’s backyard hot tub, when there was a bustling in the hedges. They were able to retreat into the house before a large bear came out and took over their party. The bear hopped into the hot tub, then knocked over the margaritas and licked them up. Not cool, bear. Not cool.

Of course, Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department claims to have searched for the bear but was unable to find it. Bet they would have searched harder if it was a black bear.

Thinking you’re Einstein may make you an Einstein

If you want to be smarter, all you need to do is see yourself as Albert Einstein, according to a recent study.

In a recent study, people pictured themselves as the famed physicist with some help from virtual reality. Wearing a body suit and VR headset, the test subjects saw themselves as Albert Einstein, and it turned out that they did better on cognitive tests because of it. Simply seeing themselves as someone smarter actually made them smarter.

These people were then mocked by people who saw themselves as jocks.

Drunk seagulls terrorize British beachgoers

Another summer, another assault on Britons by aggressive and unruly seagulls. This year, they’re getting drunk and rowdy.

In South West England, seagulls are getting drunk off of half-full (or half-empty) alcoholic drinks that people abandon on the beach. Which is concerning first, because if you can’t finish a drink, you shouldn’t order it in the first place, Nigel.

These drunken seagulls caw loudly, and probably say some crude stuff to women on the boardwalk. Firefighters were called when one seagull fell off of a roof and was too drunk to fly. The bird then threw up on a firefighter.

The seagull and two of his friends were taken in to the drunk tank.

Take pride, America: We’ve got a record stockpile of cheese

We’re only a day away from the most American holiday other than Black Friday: Independence Day. And while there are a lot of patriotic articles out there spouting tired old facts, here’s a new one: the U.S. has the most cheese stockpiled right now than it likely ever has.

According to a USDA report, America has some 1.385 billion pounds of cheese reserves, you know, in case there’s a run on pizzas. That number is higher than any level known since the cheese stockpiles started being recorded in 1917. That should make every American swell with pride, or Wis Pride.

This cheese is my cheese, this cheese is your cheese, from Monterey jack to Vermont sharp cheddar.

Japan turns World Cup-predicting octopus into seafood

Things always get weird around the World Cup. It’s been eight years since Paul the Octopus correctly predicted all of Germany’s matches, and then died. A new octopus has risen to the challenge, and got straight-up murdered for it.

Rabiot correctly predicted all three of Japan’s matches in the opening round of the 2018 World Cup, but his psychic abilities and sudden game weren’t enough to save his life. The giant Pacific octopus was chopped up and sent to the market as seafood, according to reports.

The Guys, of course, cheer Japan’s decision to treat its food like food, no matter how endearing it might become. We can’t risk having psychic octopi living long enough to overtake us.

Here’s a penis so big you can see it from space

This has been a particularly rough week, which in 2018 is really saying something. So let’s end it with a dick joke, shall we?

In Australia, because of course that’s where this happened, someone drew a huge penis and testicles in the sand of a dry lake bed. How do we know this? Because it’s on Google Maps. At this point, Google has to know about it, but they haven’t done anything about it. It’s still up there. Free and in the breeze.

Thank you, prankster. Let’s see if there are any more wangs around the world.

Seafood makes you more likely to get it on, study says

More people live on the East and West Coasts than in the rest of the U.S. Is it beaches? The infrastructure? The overall higher standard of life? Science may have the answer.

According to a recent study of 500 couples trying to have a baby, lovers who eat more seafood have more active sex lives and are also more likely to conceive. Couples who ate seafood were 39% more likely to get it on that very same day. Further, 92% of the couples that ate seafood more than twice a week conceived by the end of the study.

So there may be more people on the coasts simply because we have better access to seafood, and bang more.

IKEA free gun giveaway scuttled

IKEA is a rough place. You’ve got hundreds of people all crammed into one long line of showrooms, figuring out what furniture they want to assemble, use and leave when they move out of their apartment. Fights are bound to happen in a situation like that, and that’s why you need to be strapped.

In Indiana, a child found a gun lodged in a couch at IKEA, and probably some change. The kid took out the gun and fired it, as one does. Fortunately, no one was hurt in the incident, and the store remained open, the people’s access to Swedish meatballs was not infringed.

The store claims that a man carrying the gun sat down on the couch and didn’t realize when it fell off of him. But it’s pretty obvious that IKEA is putting guns in their showrooms to get people in the door. Hurry on over to your local store before the free guns are gone.

Tokyo soccer fans all flush during halftime

The World Cup is going strong, and in Tokyo, soccer fans decided to go strongly, and all at the same time, during a recent match.

The city’s plumbing system was put to the test at halftime as Japan played Colombia. Fans across the city collectively decided to hold it for the better part of an hour, then they all unleashed the fury after the first half. The mass migration to the bathroom caused Tokyo’s water usage to rise 24%, and then after the game, it rose 50%.

As we understand it, there are several more games to be played, so the city will be put to the test several more times in the days ahead. Let’s hope everyone has a safe go of it.

Swedish town held hostage by huge rats

Believe it or not, there are still some people out there who don’t believe that we’re at war with the animals. They don’t like the idea that we’re locked in a battle for supremacy. We are literally battling for control of the world. And then the monsters come.

In Sweden, the residents of a town have been told to stay indoors because a pack of unusually large rats invaded. And by “unusually large” we mean the size of cats. The town of Sundsvall warned its residents to keep the doors and windows closed, and local schools held recess indoors because the monsters showed up.

These huge rats showed up because a new recycling center in town took away their habitat. Great, giant rats with a beef.