It’s summertime, which means that everyone’s on vacation, and there’s no real news happening. So it’s time for our friends in the news media to start running alarmist stories about how rampant and dangerous some relatively small trends among the youth really are. This is your lucky day, snortable chocolate!
For decades, powdered chocolate has been used by moms as a quick mix for chocolate milk. If you believe the hype, it’s now the next big club drug. Some dude heard that snorting chocolate was a growing trend in Europe, so he decided to bring it here.
Coco Loko is being marketed as a legal way to snort something and get high. It’s cocoa powder mixed with some legal stimulants to give you a rush of energy. Use of a silly straw is optional. Coco Loko is to cocaine what candy cigarettes are to smokes.
And no overblown panic story is complete without threats of a crackdown. Sen. Chuck Schumer has sent a letter to the FDA urging it to investigate the health effects of snorting chocolate and potentially ban cocoa snuff.
Pro tip: After snorting Coco Loko, don’t use your sleeve when you sneeze. Chocolate stains are a bitch to get out.
If you live in Alaska, you have fought a bear. It’s a requirement for a driver’s license up there. But aside from that, Alaskans have every right to believe they can live a normal life and not have to deal with bears.
For a few terror-filled moments at a liquor store, those hopes were dashed. The clerk at the Liquor Barrel, a liquor store near Juneau, was shocked when he saw a large, brown animal walk in and it wasn’t a dog. The juvenile bear looked at the candy rack near the front door and stood up on his hind legs.
Luckily, a quick-thinking customer started clapping his hands and yelling at it, knowing that bears hate public praise. The bear soon left, and remains at large. The best news is that no bottles were harmed in the incident, unlike the peacock attack a month ago.
There’s nothing better in the world than found booze. You either find booze you forgot you had, or find booze that someone else lost track of. And it’s been mellowing the whole time.
A bottle of whisky was found on board an Australian warship, hidden away for 35 years–the bad news is that it’s Canadian whisky. The HMAS Sidney, a frigate in the Royal Australian Navy since 1982, is being decommissioned and torn apart. When it was being built in Seattle, crews placed a small bottle of MacNaughton Canadian Whisky inside a post on the ship. Since then it’s sailed around the world a couple times and no doubt fought off invasions from New Zealand.
When American workers who built the ship learned it was being torn apart, they notified authorities of the bottle’s location. So if Canadian whisky is your thing, go grab a sip of history.
Like a board game, our society has rules. We call them laws. And law enforcement officers are charged with making sure everyone follows the rules. But what if the rules are being thrown out?
In Minnesota, a man was arrested on a felony warrant over the weekend. The man produced a “get out of jail free” card from the Monopoly board game, and in a flagrant violation of the rules, the police ignored it. They claimed that the card has no legal standing. Oh yeah? Then why do you get out of jail when you play it in a civilized setting? Folks, we are a nation of rules, and if those we assign the task of enforcing those rules fail us, we must take the rules into our own hands.
It’s the summer time, which means interns are flocking to businesses around the world. It also means that adults who should know better are being really creepy.
In the Czech Republic, the folks at the Temelin nuclear power plant wanted to democratize the intern selection process by having Facebook vote on which high school graduate looked better in a bikini. CEZ, the company that runs the plant, posted 10 pictures of potential female interns posing at one of the facility’s cooling towers. The winner will be named Bouncer of Energy, which probably loses something in the translation, but still maintains a degree of creepiness.
Naturally, the idea of choosing an intern based on their physical appearance was roundly criticized. In more woke nations like the US, we just make them work all summer for no pay.
When a police officer pulls someone over, there’s no telling what is going to happen next. The more experienced officers out there will tell you they have seen everything. One officer was proven wrong.
In Georgia, a man was pulled over for speeding, and when he approached the car, he could tell something was very wrong. Riding shotgun was a strange being with a large head, pale skin, huge black eyes and long skinny limbs — an extraterrestrial. The alien, which media accounts claim was a mannequin, sat still, staring straight ahead, and did not answer any questions. Authorities have refused to release any information about where the alien was being taken and why the driver was in such a hurry.
Of course, the driver and the alien were let go because they were both white.
The Trollpikken (which sounds exactly like what Norwegians would name a stone penis) rock formation has been a popular tourist attraction for ages. But vandals drilled holes in the rock, causing it to fall and break. Norwegians have donated at least $10,600 to fix the formation so that Trollpikken rises once more.
Norway swears this has never happened before and it will be totally ready to go in a little bit.
What’s great about a bar is that you can go out and have a good time drinking with your friends. What’s bad about a bar is that other people exist. Studies have shown that not talking to strangers in a bar decreases your odds of getting in a fight. Unfortunately, it also means you miss when something cool happens.
In Florida, two robbers, one armed with a shotgun, the other carrying a rifle, took money from a bar and walked out, all while patrons in the bar kept drinking. The robbery happened at about 1:30 a.m. last Sunday, which may help explain why so many people didn’t see it happen or just didn’t care. The bar owner said people kept ordering drinks during the robbery.
Dr. Stephen Hawking, famous physicist and total bummer at a party, is continuing to say that mankind is doomed. In fact, we’ve only got a century left, so we should probably get going on the colonizing of somewhere else.
We’ve got robots to worry about, climate change, nuclear war, even genetically engineered diseases coming our way. And because of that, the world needs to work together to colonize the moon in 2020 and Mars in 2025. Beyond that, mankind will need to further colonize space if it is to survive, as Earth’s resources are dwindling, Dr. Chuckles said.
But there is good news: we may not have to wait that long for life on Earth as we know it to come to an end. As you know, there is a supervolcano that sits beneath Yellowstone National Park. Well, there have been a series of earthquakes at the supervolcano. If it erupts, it would kill a lot in the immediate area, but it would also send enough ash into the atmosphere to block out the sun for much of the planet, which would surely kill crops and lead to a worldwide famine. The U.S. Geological Survey says these quakes don’t indicate an eruption, but of course they would say that.
Your average Wal-Mart is a pretty crazy place. And it’s not just the constantanimalattacks. So naturally, that’s where you’d find Batman.
In Fort Worth, Texas, a man picked the wrong store to steal DVDs from. He was trying to get away with a bunch of movies, including The Lego Batman Movie, when the Caped Crusader himself swooped in and arrested him. Damon Cole is an officer with the Fort Worth police, and he dressed up like Batman and other superheroes visiting area children battling illnesses. (Apparently Fort Worth keeps its sick kids inside a Wal-Mart?)
The suspect was only charged with a citation because the total value was less than $100 and was released uninjured after a selfie with the Dark Knight. That’s how you know he’s not the real Batman.