Bobcat tries to finish off small-town newspaper

There is an assault on the news media. It presents an existential threat to the independent press, a keystone of our great democracy. The threat, of course, is bobcats.

In a town outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma, a male bobcat attempted to do what online media has been trying to do for a decade: kill off print journalism. Sapulpa Herald publisher Darren Sumner said he opened the door to the restroom at his office when he saw a male bobcat, which leapt at him. Sumner promptly trapped the bobcat by closing the restroom door, and probably took care of whatever business he was heading there for in the first place.

Authorities captured the wild animal and released it without questioning. It is already being considered for a position in the Trump White House.

Beavers knock out power in Canada

Every now and then we hear about a small animal, usually a squirrel, getting into someplace it shouldn’t be and knocking out the power to an area. The animal terrorists have stepped up their efforts, and now Canada is in a state of panic.

Last weekend, citizens of Prince Albert, Saskatchewan lost power when a group of beavers chewed through a wooden power pole. Luckily, power was restored after an hour, because Canadian power companies are prepared for Canadian power interruptions. This is the first beaver-led coordinated attack on infrastructure that this blog is aware of.

In truth, we just wanted to see if we could write a post about a beaver in Prince Albert without snickering. We failed horribly.

PSA: 262 pieces of candy will kill you

It’s Halloween, which means it’s nearly time to put up your Veterans’ Day decorations. But before we get to that fun, there is still the tradition of harassing neighbors into giving you candy, better known as trick-or-treating. This year, The Guys want to make sure that you don’t kill yourself with candy.

So how much candy would it take to kill you? About 262 “fun size” Halloween treats for an adult, researcher say. That comes out to 5.4 pounds of sugar, which is pretty gross to think about. With such levels of sugar in your body, there’s a very good chance you wouldn’t survive.

And because we want you to stay safe and give us more hits in the future, we’re here to tell you to practice moderation. Only each 250 or fewer pieces of Halloween candy in a sitting.

Study links marijuana use, doin’ it

A new study has linked marijuana use to sexual activity–as if you needed another reason to stay away from the gateway drug.

Researchers examined data from a federal survey and found a clear connection between smoking marijuana and frequency of sexual activity. Meaning, those who get high generally have more sex. The results were the same for men and women: those who said they had used marijuana in the past year reported having sex an average of seven times in the past month, while those who hadn’t smoked up in the past year only had sex an average of six times the previous month.

So let that be a lesson to all the kids out there: don’t do drugs. Smoking pot isn’t cool, and it is statistically linked to having more sex.

Man cracks a few open after being locked in beer cooler

It sounds like some kind of mixture of a dream and a nightmare: being locked inside a beer cooler overnight.

A Wisconsin man was perusing the selection in the walk-in beer cooler at a convenience store, when the door automatically locked at midnight, trapping him inside. Rather than pounding on the doors so an employee would come let him out, he decided to stay and help himself to a few brewskies, since he couldn’t purchase any alcohol after midnight. By the time a customer let him out at 6 a.m., he had killed a tallboy of Icehouse (of course) and three cans of Four Loko, which is apparently still around.

But because there is no justice in the world, the man was charged with theft. The store locked him in there, and yet he’s the one who police say has committed a crime.

For sale: Ariz. ranch, slight issue with alien abductions

Here’s a hot real estate tip for you: If you’re looking to buy a ranch, there’s one up for sale in Arizona. The only real issue is that you have to deal with aliens.

UFO propagandist John Edmonds says he’s had enough of extra terrestrials coming to his ranch and attacking him. On his Facebook page, he says it’s happened 19 times so far. The aliens show up at his ranch, and he gets into hand-to-hand combat with them, eventually scaring them off. One more time there: aliens have mastered interplanetary travel, but don’t have an answer to hand-held weapons, and get scared off every time.

In the most recent incident, they tried to kidnap his wife. But he saved her by fighting a group of them with a ninja sword, killing one of them. The aliens retreated with their fallen comrade’s body, so there’s no real evidence, of course.

So if you’re cool with living at a place once owned by a guy trying to make himself famous by lying about aliens, we have a great deal for you.

Drinking helps you slur in foreign languages

You plan a big trip to somewhere that your native language isn’t widely spoken, so you learn some important phrases. Then when you get there decide to just go with hand gestures. If only you’d had a couple drinks first.

Researchers in Europe have found that if you have a couple snorts in you, you’re more fluent in a foreign language. This seems counterintuitive, because alcohol makes us worse at talking in our native tongues. But a study found that native German speakers who have learned a working knowledge Dutch and had a buzz going were more fluent than their sober counterparts. The thinking is that alcohol gives you a little courage to speak a different language.

The down side is that you’re probably more likely to ramble in a different language, too.

Researchers give fish marijuana, because why not?

Fish always look like they’re stressed out. They’re constantly moving. They never blink. And they seem to be perpetually in a panic. Naturally, some fish scientists wondered if they could mellow out some fish — by giving them marijuana.

Researchers recently dosed some tilapia with weed to see if it could help lower their stress levels. Farmed fish in overcrowded tanks tend to get more aggressive, which can kill fish, and that’s bad for the bottom line. So they gave the fish some THC-laden edibles. They didn’t seem to do any better than the fish that were fed regular food.

Perhaps the fish are really good at hiding that they’re high. It makes sense, since they basically live in Visine.

Science says you’re afraid of snakes, spiders

There are a lot of questions we seek to answer as humans, and for all of the non-BS ones for people who act like philosophy matters, there is science. Let’s all thank the hardworking scientists who answered the question, “Are snakes and spiders scary?”

Turns out they are.

According to researchers, humans are wired to see these ugly creatures as scary, it helped keep our ancestors alive. How do we know this? Some scientists showed babies pictures of spiders and snakes and found that they have a natural negative reaction to them. That means that we’re probably born with it. Oh yeah? Then why does anyone live in Australia?

If you ask us, the scientists just wanted an excuse to show babies scary pictures.

Jive turkeys invade Boston

Turkeys are taking over Boston. And of course, conservationist traitors are just fine with it.

According to police records, complaints about turkeys in the greater Boston area have skyrocketed in the past three years. These earthbound birds walk around like they own the place and chase after any unarmed human who dares challenge them. Massachusetts wildlife officials say this increase means that efforts to bring back wild turkeys to the area really are working. But when it comes to human safety they stick their heads in the sand.

These things are regularly harassing people on their own property, and all these self-loathing wildlife folks can do is marvel at the foul fowl’s recovery.

Let’s all grab a musket and celebrate Thanksgiving in a more authentic way this year. For Boston!