Author: Bryan McBournie

Take me to your brewer

The Space Shuttle program is coming to a close. While a lot of you out there might not care, you should, and here’s why: Not going into space means you can’t enjoy space beer.

We told you about how Sapporo Breweries grew barley from grains taken into space, but now, 4 Pines Brewing, of Australia, has come up with a beer designed for enjoyment by space tourists. They are saying with a straight face that even though zero gravity makes your tongue swell up a bit, affecting your sense of taste, the flavor of the beer will make its way through.

They say the altitude makes you get drunk faster on a plane, so maybe a single beer in space is enough to get smashed.

Editor’s note: Ever feel like all of our “That Whacky Australia” stuff is de facto “Booze News?”

Danger is a turn-on

Humans are sexual beings, it’s just how we are. But why do humans make soda machines so sexy? Each of us walks around every day, doing our best not to mind soda machines sexually attractive. Police say one Oklahoma City man lost that battle.

Authorities were called to a grocery store from suspected shoplifting. When they got there, they found a man hiding behind a soda machine with his pants down, pleasuring himself, police say. But it didn’t end there. The man was charged and arrested. As he was being processed at the police station, the arresting officer walked away momentarily, only to come back and find the guy with his pants around his ankles, going at it again–while still handcuffed to a bench, according to the report.

Folks, sometimes a guy just has to blow off some steam.

Make your bacon jokes now

There are a lot of questions on this one, but the good news is that the pig is no longer at large.

A Washington State Trooper saw a 500-lb. pig escape from a minivan through a broken window. The pig proceeded to run down the sidewalk. Well, you just can’t let something like this happen, so the trooper tried a stun gun to slow it down, even corralling the beast with his vehicle, but nothing worked.

That’s when the cop shot the pig. And we are left to assume that ham was had by all that evening.

Who allows their pigs to grow to weigh 500 lbs? Who transports their morbidly-obese oinkers in a minivan? And how does such a pig get enough of a jump to clear a broken window in said minivan? How was the window even broken?

Whatever, one less menace on the streets.

Eating a salad through your nose

We’ve all heard the stories about how in this economy, bartering for goods and services is on the rise, but remember, try not to use this on police officers.

Police say a 33-year-old woman in Utah approached an undercover officer wanting to buy some cocaine. However, she did not have a whole lot of cash on her, so she offered $2 and a salad from Olive Garden in a to-go box. (It should be noted that in Utah, to-go Olive Garden salads are traded on the stock market.)

Apparently, those hardasses in Utah feel that soliciting a police officer for illegal drugs is some sort of crime, and the woman was arrested. No word on who ended up eating the salad.

Don’t worry, we celebrate it every day

Bad news for all of you nudists with a green thumb: You missed World Naked Gardening Day, which happened to be this past Saturday. If you have to ask how one celebrates, you may want to get yourself a CAT scan.

Basically, the idea of going out and tending your garden (and we do not mean than euphemistically) sans clothing is supposed to make you feel more in tune with nature and your surroundings. Think of it as an attempt to simplify one’s life, and also getting a decent tan.

The worst news here is that you probably just missed your last World Naked Gardening Day, because the world is going to end on Saturday, according to a Christian group traveling around the country. Of course, if you believe the world is over in a few days, why bother wasting your time with a garden? It’s not like you’ll be enjoying the fruits of your labor before Judgment Day.

Come to think of it, why spend your time reading a blog?

The McBournie Minute: Why I stopped watching ‘The Office’

This week, NBC’s The Office wraps up its seventh season. The big news a few weeks ago was Steve Carrell left the show. His character, Michael Scott, decided to leave the Scranton, Pa. office and join U.S. Navy Seal Team Six to hunt down Osama bin Laden.

Honestly, I have to tell you, I don’t care, because I stopped watching a season ago. It wasn’t something I consciously did, at first, anyway, I just happened to move on from watching it for a while, and I figured out I was actually probably better off. I loved The Office, but I had to move on from it before things got rough.

At this point, you are probably asking yourself, “Why would someone be better off not watching a show they loved?” Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Why I stopped watching ‘The Office’

The perfect gift for the crappy people in your life

Zoos are the kind of place that we need in society, for when the animals are all gone, we will thank zoos for helping remind us just why we fought.

Now and then, zoos can be a dangerous place, you know, like when something escapes, or somebody climbs in the tiger cage all hopped up on paint thinners. But now, these prisons for enemy combatants may have another appeal, especially for the legions on dung collectors out there.

The Prague Zoo is selling pieces of elephant dung as souvenirs, because who doesn’t want that? Apparently it works as a pretty decent fertilizer, at least that’s what the Czechs say.

Just a hint, in case you’re stuck trying to come up with a birthday present idea for yours truly.

You Missed It: Understudy edition

Oh, hi there. Sorry, I’ve just been so busy this week. As it turns out, setting up your own exploratory committee is more complicated than it seems. Well, after hours of deliberation, I am here to announce that I, Bryan McBournie, am taking the advice of that exploratory committee, and will form a second exploratory committee to determine if I should run for office! Wooooo! If you were busy patting down an infant for explosives, odds are you missed it.

The math still works out
Remember Two and a Half Men? It was that CBS show that was apparently the most popular thing in the country, yet no one really cared when the show’s future seemed very much in doubt. Good news, legions of Menonites, (There, I just gave you a cool fan name, like “Gleeks.”) your beloved show is coming back after all. And best of all, it’s coming back with Ashton Kutcher! What’s that, you’re not excited? Would it help if I told you that Hugh Grant was their first pick? He was.

When the levee breaks
A really wet spring has led to the Mississippi River ready to flood in Louisiana and Mississippi, as flooding is happening elsewhere in the region. The rising waters are threatening to wipe out farm land at a time when food prices are already on the rise. The farmers affected are those in the floodplain. Folks, I’m sympathetic to the loss of homes and livelihoods, but if you farm in something called the “spillway,” shouldn’t that tell you to invest in sand bags?

And now a special announcement
In case you had not heard, May is National Skin Cancer Awareness Month. This is not to be confused with October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, November, Lung Cancer Awareness Month, or any of the others. I get it that cancer is serious, and bringing the nation’s attention to it is a good thing, but if we’re constantly being aware of it, doesn’t that take away from highlighting a month? Can’t we just focus on all kinds of cancer in one month and then go back to smoking and sunbathing again?

STFU, cat

When it comes to world records, we all turn to the family that gave us Guinness Black Protestant Porter, the beer. Yes, the world record book that started over a bet and a few pints.

But typically, we look at the human side of things. Not so for all apparently, because Smokey, a cat, just took first place in the world’s loudest purr. Spinsters and lonely 30-something women alike, your pets come up short, Smokey registered 67.7 decibels, which we are forced to assume is rather loud.

Guinness is on to something here. We need to humiliate our pets to set an example for all of the wild animals out there. The statement: This is what will happen when we capture you. Play him off, keyboard cat.

Bee on the lookout

Look out, folks, some bees may have been “stolen.”

A Scottish lab using four hives of bees in a study found that their insect subjects had disappeared. Of course, authorities are saying that the bees were stolen by someone, because they don’t want the public to know that these were super-intelligent bees, capable of escaping on their own–that’s our theory, anyway.

Scientists said the bees are very unique, and should be easy to identify should the bees be sold on the black market.