Los Angeles is a city where a lot of dreams happen, or at least appear to. They make the impossible possible, and some people live the fantasy we all dream of.
Two Los Angeles traffic officers lived the dream, allegedly, and are being suspended for it. According to the city, the two city employees got themselves in trouble for appearing in an adult film while on the job and in uniform.
Man, some people will do anything to get out of a parking ticket.
I’m not sure what it is about this time of year, or the area in which I live, but my allergies have gone nutso in the past week. Tree sperm is everywhere here in Washington, D.C., as it is throughout the U.S., and for some reason it tells my nose to explode and my eyes to make it me look like I am high. That’s fine, I can handle it like everyone else, but I can’t take antihistamines during the day, or I’ll be staggering around my office like a hungry zombie, which is generally a bad thing. If you were busy leaving the show that made you a household name this week, odds are you missed it.
Only 50 more years until they are king and queen!
You may not have heard, but Prince William and Kate Middleton got married this morning, causing thousands of American women to miss out on sleep this morning. By all accounts, it was a wonderful ceremony that went off without a slip-up, plus the Brits even got the day off. However, the ceremony proved to show differences between American and English cultures, including that it’s fine there for the maid of honor to wear white, and apparently the Brits like to dress for weddings like it’s the Kentucky Derby.
Not like he has a driver’s license, either
President Barack Obama released his long-form birth certificate this week in an effort to silence the birther movement, which is currently led by entrepreneur and avid fut-hat wearer Donald Trump. The move, of course, silenced no one, and did not put the issue to rest for many birthers. However, it did make huge efforts in fixing the economy and winning the war on terrorism.
Where’s the Man of Steel’s birth certificate?
In issue number 900 of Action Comics released this month, Superman announces that he plans to give up his U.S. citizenship. He says he doesn’t want people to see his actions as U.S. policy, and renouncing citizenship is the only way to fix it. This makes sense, because, you know, he really is an alien.
Remember Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi dictator who was executed in December 2006 for crimes against humanity, including using poisonous gas on Kurds? Man, that guy was such a nut!
Because of all the good times the Iraqi people had with their wacky, ruthless dictator for so many years, it’s tough for them to accept that Captain Mustache is really gone. Yesterday would have been his birthday, and people are using it to spread rumors that he’s still alive, out there somewhere, despite the fact that we have leaked videos of both his death and his body in the morgue. Recently, a recorded phone conversation with someone who claims to be Hussein himself surfaced on YouTube, giving Iraqi conspiracy theorists even more to chew on. So it looks like the rumors may never go away.
One has to wonder, is Saddam Hussein Elvis or Tupac?
Good news, people of Arkansas (like you even have the necessary infrastructure for an Internet connection), you no longer have to worry about that huge escaped alligator anymore!
We told you last week that a gator broke out of the Governor Mike Huckabee Delta Rivers Nature Center, and was on the loose. (Mike Huckabee has not been disproven as an accomplice in the escape.) Workers found the gator a few feet from the fences, and brought him back inside.
So for our concerned readers in Arkansas, that’s now just 199,999 alligators you have to worry about.
Some time in the early 19th century a ship was sailing across the Baltic Sea, bringing its cargo of champagne to the thirsty citizens on the distant shore. Only something went wrong, and the ship sank, taking the beloved booze with it.
Today, you can own a bottle of the oldest champagne around. The shipwreck was found last fall and bottles of champagne (and beer) were found, and as we called it all those months ago, the hootch is now up for auction! We don’t know about the beer and the other bottles, but two bottles of champagne will be up for auction in June, so get your wallets ready, drunkards.
Washington could learn a thing or two from Kyrgyzstan.
The Kyrgyz parliament is split terribly these days, and in an effort to get their work back on track they decided to talk out their differences like reasonable people slaughter seven rams in an effort to do away with the evil spirits plaguing their work. When our own government nearly shut down earlier this month, it wasn’t because the Republicans and Democrats sorted things out, it was that The Guys sacrificed untold numbers of ants.
It heartens me to see that there are members of the media who are through turning a blind eye to the War on Animals and are finally addressing it on their shows. Unfortunately, it’s being highlighted on Headline News, so no one is watching. Nevertheless, this public forum is finally open, and we can now battle out in words with those who seek to subvert the human race.
I am speaking, of course, about HLN’s Jane Velez-Mitchell, who regularly highlights the battle of “Man vs. Nature.” Unfortunately, rather than taking a Dobbsian tone and sounding the alarm people don’t want to hear but should, she take the side of the beasts, and not to play devil’s advocate, either. She really means it.
Well, Jane Velez-Mitchel of “Issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell,” I have issues with Jane Velez-Mitchell. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Jane Velez-Mitchell wants you to starve
If you run a business, it’s important to remember that the customer is always right, and you should always give them what they want. Girls Gone Wild apparently failed to keep that in mind at an event in Michigan.
A show at a bar in Michigan didn’t have enough girls or nudity or something, the story isn’t all that clear on what exactly the issue was, just that the owners of the bar and the people who showed up for the event were unhappy. One 51-year-old man was so upset that he took it out on the Girls Gone Wild tour bus, breaking off both rear view mirrors, at least that’s what police say.
Take note: When bar patrons don’t see the boobs they are promised, no good can come of it.
As a kid, I never really got why Good Friday was such a big deal. Sure, Jesus was crucified and all, but why celebrate somebody dying? It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that Jesus was Irish, and Good Friday celebrations are just a typical Irish wake, complete with celebrations and drinking (around my place, anyway).Now I just need to figure out why the stock markets are closed today. If you were busy getting ready for your big wedding this week, odds are you missed it.
Joining the 200-mile-high club
Admit it, you’ve thought about it. Right after the “How do they go to the bathroom in space?” question was answered, you were wondering whether astronauts get it on up there. NASA has denied it ever happening, and this week a Russian expert said cosmonauts never have, either. In related news, Pope Benedict XVI may call the International Space Station when Space Shuttle Endeavour is docked with it. He’s probably calling to remind the astronauts that masturbation is a sin.
The colors were just, like, beautiful, man
Hey everybody, remember that big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year (you may have heard about it)? Well, the explosion on the Deepwater Horizon rig that caused it and killed 11 people, was a year ago this week, April 20, to be exact. The good news is that the hippies were too busy smoking weed to mark the solemn occasion.
It matters not if you are black or white
A California judge ruled that the jury in the wrongful death suit brought against Michael Jackson’s doctor can view two autopsy photos Jackson, one clothed, and one not. So get ready, women in 1986, those nude pictures you’ve been waiting for are nearly yours!
Surprise, surprise–haters are hatin’ on Blast, the new, fruity malt liquor drink brought to you by your friends at Colt 45.
The cans, each nearly 24 oz., are fizzy and brightly colored, which opponents say could encourage kids to drink it, even though it has 12% ABV. Blast is endorsed by Snoop Dogg, because when you think of alcohol with training wheels, you think of the man who wrote “Gin & Juice.”
A word to the folks at Colt 45, if you want to market toward kids, get someone the kids have heard of, like Justin Bieber, and name the drink something like “My First Blackout.”
