People are miserable. They can’t stop complaining about how rotten things are right now, and they just can’t wait for it all to be over. That’s right, a new season of American Idol is upon us, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, the East Coast keeps getting slammed with snow storms, too! If you were busy addressing the nation, odds are you missed it.
Drink as if you were a champion today
The New York Jets lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, thus crushing their Super Bowl hopes, but that didn’t stop quarterback Mark Sanchez and wide receiver Braylon Edwards from going out and living it up in Pittsburgh, a town known for its festive atmosphere. The two Jets spent over $2,500 on champagne, shots and probably the jukebox the night of their loss. Your move, Roethlisberger.
Now’s the time to ask for that autograph
Charlie Sheen is working hard on being his generation’s John Belushi, in that he’s pretty funny but he throws really awesome parties. For more than a day and a half, Sheen allegedly partied with two porn stars, some alcoholic beverages and a suitcase full of cocaine. Surprisingly enough, the party ended with Sheen being rushed to the hospital, where he has since been released. Start your Charlie Sheen death pools, folks.
Rocking the casbah
If you like yelling and throwing rocks–and you’re not a Lakers fan–this was a pretty good week for you. Early this week, the people of Tunisia led an uprising against their government over poor living conditions, which ended in the president exiting the country. A couple days later, another African country, Egypt (bonus points if you knew Tunisia was in Africa), held its own demonstrations against its government. Poseurs!
Hey fatty, are you depressed? Well maybe you should put down that triple quarter-pounder with cheese and listen to this: The food you eat is bringing you down, tubby.
At least that’s what science says. Foods that are high in trans-fats and saturated fats are linked to depression, and not because of a negative self image well-fed people have based on societal norms. As it turns out, eating fast food could make you depressed.
Oh yeah? Then why does it feel so good to eat it?
It’s Thursday. We know your lips are parched. You can’t wait to get out of the office and head to happy hour. The bad thing about happy hour is either you can’t get totally schnockered so you can drive, or you have to blow a lot of money on a cab. Well, it might be time to invest in a horse–if you live in Montana.
Montana law, and rightfully so, does not define a horse as a motor vehicle, so it is legal to ride one while under the influence. The issue came up recently after a state Department of Transportation video jokingly showed a horse picking a man up from a bar, in a public service announcement meant to encourage designated drivers.
Only problem is that horses don’t have cup holders.
Sure, the Obama administration may be a bunch of socialist, peace-loving toddlers, but they do manage to get a few things right now and then. One of those things is an offensive in the War on Animals.
While many of our foes have retreated south or gone into hibernation (the military term is “winter quarters), the might of the U.S. federal government refuses to rest. Recently, the Department of Agriculture claimed responsibility for killing thousands of birds in South Dakota by poisoning them. The USDA said it would do it all again, too.
A hawk has invaded the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., but it won’t stay there for long. According to the LoC, the hawk hasn’t dive-bombed any researchers yet, but it could, that’s why they’re calling in the Department of the Interior to catch the bird, and “safely return it to the outdoors,” which we all know is code for waterboarding.
Keeping someone’s ashes around is a short-term solution for a long-term issue. Think about it, if you die and get cremated, and your wish is to be in the house of your kin, what happens to you when your kin dies. Do they just pass down your ashes from generation to generation. That is, of course, assuming your ashes even survive that long.
In Florida, police say two men broke into a woman’s house, where they found the urns of her dead husband and two dogs, and snorted them, because they thought it was cocaine. Needless to say, the kick wasn’t quite what they were expecting.
Men and women are very different (it’s true!), and for hundreds of years, scientists and stand-up comedians alike have been trying to figure out exactly what it is that separates the sexes, aside from the fact that one gender gets boobs at puberty, while the other gets them at age 45.
There are millions of physical, physiological and societal differences between the sexes, to use broad strokes, but there really doesn’t seem to be one thing that defines the difference. Being a student and lover of humanity, I have dedicated much of my life to figuring out just what the hell it is womenfolk are trying to say, and why they seem to think dudes are more complicated than they really are. I have found it, at long last.
The difference is underwear. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A man and his drawers
You know how they say that if you buy drugs, you’re funding terrorism? They’re right, but not in the way they thought.
In one of the few cases where the wars on drugs and animals intersect, a carrier pigeon was caught trying to deliver drugs to a jail in Colombia recently. They have also tried to smuggling in things like cell phone Sim cards. The pigeon caught with the illegal contraband serves as proof that Colombian drug lords are in cahoots (first time we’ve ever used that word on this blog!) with animals, and it’s not hard to see that the partnership is funding animal attacks on mankind around the world.
Still think drugs are harmless?
I write this at the climax of a bender that began last Sunday when the New England Patriots lost to the New York Jets. In the depths of my drunken despair, I realized one thing about this NFL season: the athletes who were hated in the off-season had some of their best seasons this year, leaving America to feel questionable about supporting players like Michael Vick or Ben Roethlisberger. So I’m just going to hope that between now and August Tom Brady gets in legal trouble for running a chop shop. If you were busy walking into a mall fountain while texting, odds are you missed it.
Come a little closer
Today is National Hug Day, but I’m sure you already had it marked on your calendars. It’s a holiday pushed through by special interest groups and Big Hug companies. Actually, it’s just an excuse to rub up against your coworker’s massive rack. To be fair, hugging someone without permission can be dangerous. I should know, the first time (really) I was ever kicked out of a bar was for excessive hugging.
Noted motorcycle dude and part-time Nazi uniform-wearer Jesse James is engaged! After a very public divorce with Sandra Bullock, it seems America’s, um, dude who used to be married to Sandra Bullock has found love. This time, it’s with Kat Von D. I’d go into details, but this story really bores the hell out of me.
Don’t make plans for 2013
The Mayans predicted that the world would end in 2012, then again, they couldn’t predict small pox, so you really can’t trust them. But now, we may have some freaky happenings in the universe that could spell our end: A big-ass star is dying, and could light us all up as if we had two suns. Betelgeuse, one of the stars in the constellation Orion, could be dead by 2012. It’s a really, really, really big star, and no one knows exactly what’s going to happen when it dies, but it could blow up and make everything really bright. I’m no scientist, nor am I one to panic, but my prediction is that we’re all going to die.
You know how you’re always on Facebook, checking out what your closest 500 friends are up to? Well, apparently some of them are on the can when they let the world know their latest thoughts–which makes sense, if you think about it.
According to a study, 27% of people hit up Facebook on their phones sitting on the throne. Suddenly I feel so much better about my status messages being solely about the color, texture and shape of my poop.
Women: According to a recent study, fewer of you are meeting the special someone when you want to, and it’s kind of your fault. Well, not your fault individually, but rather the other womenfolk around you.
Science tells us that women between the ages of 18 and 23 feel very liberated from men, so they don’t feel the need to get tied down in a serious relationship. The result is that they are more promiscuous. And hey, we’re cool with that. Only thing is some ladies don’t grow out of it, and a lot of dudes tend to gravitate toward the women who want to hook up without a relationship. The net result is that there are fewer dudes who want a relationship when the women want it. So yeah, be happy you have one. And if you don’t have a man, really, why are you reading this?
(Side note: How awesome is that picture in the link? The dude is sleeping peacefully, but the woman is apparently suffering from either regret or severe sinus pressure.)