Author: Bryan McBournie

Excuse me, doctor, have you been drinking?

Surgeons are among the few people in this world who have a bona fide reason to drink, as if you really need one. They see people’s insides day-in and day-out. Plus, they probably have people making cracks about Grey’s Anatomy every time they tell someone what they do for a living. What’s more is that unlike most of us, the actually have the money to go out and get absolutely plastered every night.

The thing is, they really shouldn’t do that, according to a new study. Apparently, surgeons who drank the night before are more likely to make mistakes during surgery the next day, even though they don’t have a drop of booze in their systems at that point.

Of course, then there’s the whole muscle memory aspect. Like how you suck at beer pong when you’re sober, but once you have a few in you, your skills return. Doctors could easily learn out to cut drunk, then they could do it fine every time.

What has six legs and is programmed to destroy you?

Does the world feel a little different to you? No? Well it should. According to Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Skynet became self-aware yesterday.

With that in mind, we’d like to introduce you to a new robot. No, it’s not programmed to eliminate all humans. It doesn’t even look human, but it does walk like an animal–autonomously. Great, so now we’ve got animals AND robots that walk like animals to deal with! Perhaps we can capture one and re-program it to kill our beastly foes.

It must be jail break season

New York had the Egyptian cobra, but in Arkansas, they do it a little different.

If you live in Pine Bluff, Arkansas, you may want to consider staying indoors for a while, assuming they have houses where you live. There is a nine-foot alligator somewhere on the loose. It got away from the local zoo, and not just by sneaking off when no one was looking. This thing got past two chain link fences to earn its freedom.

With such dedication, the beast is clearly a spy. It was sent to get caught, to learn our ways and and our weaknesses, then move on and report back to the nearest enemy base.

The McBournie Minute: The War on Easter

As you may have noticed, Christianity is under attack here in the U.S. I know this, because the people at Fox News tell me so. But even they don’t see it all. Sure, they talk about how the liberal left is a bunch of godless heathens, and that America would be so much better if we went back to how things used to be, back in to the time of our forefathers, when good men held Christian values and women were regarded as baby factories.

Folks, our Christian holidays are under attack. Everyone loves to talk about how Christmas is going corporate, but that’s just the trendy, headline-grabbing stuff. The real battle is over the highest of high holy holidays: Easter.

That’s right, I’m here to warn you about the War on Easter. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The War on Easter

I’ve got a hairy caterpillar for you

It’s important to remember that as the northern part of the world heads into spring, those around the Equator are in a state of permanent warfare, because the animals never go dormant. Our friends in Asia are also fighting the good fight.

Unfortunately, a whole bunch of hairy caterpillars are attacking parts of Indonesia. We’re not just talking they’re a pain to run over in your car because they get in your tire treads, it’s more like they creep into your home and if they touch you, you itch for weeks. Plus, they are killing some of the crops.

Stay strong, allies. And let’s hope they turn into butterflies soon!

You Missed It: 8-track edition

Feeling rested? I certainly am. After a week off, I had some time to give the ol’ typing muscles a rest and get myself back to peak form. Now, if only I could have taken a week off from work, too.If you were busy released a revamped version of your outmoded horror movie series, odds are you missed it.

It’s not easy being president
In a speech this week, President Barack Obama said that while he works with a lot of great people in the White House, the technical gadgets are not exactly the most up to date. He complained that some of the technology there is 30 years old. This, of course, explains the CB radio in the Oval Office Obama uses to talk to Vice President Joe Biden.

They’re not mobsters, so whatever
The FBI made headlines this week when it released a document on the investigation of the 1947 Roswell, New Mexico UFO incident. A terse report confirms that some sort of object with people on board crashed in the desert. This caused quite a stir with the tinfoil hat crowd, that is until they read the last line of the document, which said “Not intended to be a factual statement.”

So close you could touch it–if your hands weren’t busy
The world’s first 3D adult film premiered this week in Hong Kong, which every guy on the planet has been waiting for since the dawn of 3D technology in the 1950s. The film itself got excellent reviews, with critics saying it brings a new meaning to “It’s coming right at me!”

Because you can’t sleep on the job

People think being an air traffic controller is an exciting job–it’s not. All you do is sit up there, with an awesome view, talking to hundreds of pilots a day, guiding thousands of people safely to the ground at your airport. *yawn*

So it’s no wonder that less than a month after an air traffic controller fell asleep at a Washington, D.C. airport that it happened again, this time at Reno-Tahoe International Airport in Nevada. But this time, it was a medical flight with an ill patient trying to land. As it turns out, it’s the sixth incident this year (!) to be disclosed by the FAA.

I’d finish the rest of this, but frankly, it’s so boring it’s making me sleepy.

Business venture with a sour taste

Capitalism is one of the things that makes this country rich great. Who doesn’t have fond memories of their first steps into the capitalist world by setting up a lemonade stand without a business permit, locating it on property not zoned for commercial use, selling a product consumers could make themselves, and refusing to pay its employees hourly wages?

That way, you get to learn that you need an investor, and that you really shouldn’t make your friends business partners. But three girls in Georgia were treated to a less-common lesson in capitalism when a couple robbed them of the $130 they had raised to donate to a sick child for medical treatment.

That, children, is the lesson of “never open a business without a security guard or lawyer present, because the bastards out there want to take your money and never look back.”

(The alleged lemonade stand thieves were arrested.)

Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend

If you’re a bank, it’s bad to be in business on a Friday. According to government statistics, the majority of bank robberies in the U.S. happen on Fridays, which makes sense, because everyone has those big weekend plans they need to finance.

In all, bank robbers stole a little over $43 million last year, which doesn’t sound like all that much, when you think about the fact that there were over 5,500 robberies reported in 2010. Here’s a little suggestion in warding off would-be thieves: play this song all day and no one will come near you.

The McBournie Minute: In which I save the federal budget

For the most part, we here at SG try to stay as apolitical as possible, except for Rick Snee, who is in fact considering a run for the White House later this year. I live in the Washington, D.C. area, so I get politics crammed down my throat enough as it is.

But every now and then I feel the need to get on my soap box and let my thoughtful, well-reasoned opinions be heard. In case your neighborhood Tea Partier hasn’t told you, the government is spending a lot of money and that needs to stop. Tea Partiers are fine with the government shutting down, as long as they still get their Social Security checks, but everyone else thinks a shutdown is a bad idea.

So I have once again lent my services to the U.S., and found us ways to save money. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: In which I save the federal budget