We feel that way about reality shows, too

Bristol Palin has a chance to do something her mother never has: win a nationwide election. Palin the Younger made it to the finals of the ironically-titled “Dancing with the Stars” this week, but at least one person wasn’t happy about it.

According to police, Steve Cohan, 67, of Vermont, Wisconsin (we checked, it’s a real place), took his shotgun to his television after seeing Palin dancing in last Monday’s episode. Apparently, in the People’s Republic of Wisconsin this is illegal or something, because it led to a 15-hour standoff with police.

Apparently the pests can swim

New York and Paris have a lot in common, for example, they are both heavily romanticized in movies and are populated by insufferable douches. But now they’ve got one more thing in common: bed bugs.

Yes, like the city so nice they named it twice, gay Paris is in the midst of a terrible bed bug outbreak, and no one knows how to stop it. What’s particularly sneaky is that the infestation has been going on for three years, but we’re only now just hearing about it.

Scientists are able to distinguish French bed bugs from their American counterparts, because they smoke constantly and refer to their underground movement as “Le R√©sistance.”

The man does know how to party

So, who’s ready for a sequel to a surprise hit comedy that will almost surely fail to reach the genius of its predecessor, but be played more commonly on cable than the first installment because it costs less? That’s right, we all know The Hangover 2 is going to be made, and we all know that Mel Gibson is not going to be appearing in it.

However, former President Bill Clinton will be making a cameo. This could be the greatest presidential appearance in a movie since Jimmy Carter in An Officer and a Gentleman.

The McBournie Minute: ‘Boobies’ under attack

October is over, so once again cancer supporters feel safe enough to come out from hiding. It may seem hard to imagine, but there really are people that are pro-cancer and do not work in the tobacco industry. It’s worse, actually. It seems they have infiltrated our schools.

Two girls in Easton, Pennsylvania merely wanted to show their support for the awareness of breast cancer but were instead the victims of discrimination by the very people our tax dollars pay to educate them. These cancer mongers suspended the girls. Breast cancer has affected the lives of my family and friends, so this can be something of an emotional issue for me. I hope I am not going overboard when I say that these so-called authorities should be the victims of severe cases of chafing in the near future.

The girls’ only crimes were wearing “I (heart) boobies!” bracelets. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: ‘Boobies’ under attack

Fighting the war can taste good

Time and time again, we are shown that it is foolish to fight a land war in southeast Asia. This time, it is the animals that are learning that lesson the hard way.

Scientists recently discovered a new species of lizard, and they found it on their plates. The lizard, which is entirely female and reproduces by cloning itself (we’re assuming this is science for “witchcraft”), is apparently quite tasty, because it can be found in several Vietnamese restaurants.

SG Recipe: Take a dozen Leiolepis ngovantrii, season with sriracha sauce, grill until blackened. Enjoy the taste of war.

You Missed It: The Carnival diet edition

Hello, how have you been? I have to say I had a really nice time with you the other night. No, there’s no need to pay for your half, it was my pleasure treating you. Listen, you seem really cool and all, but I’m just not sure I felt the spark that I was looking for. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t fight it, I need you, reader. If you were busy running in the New York Marathon, odds are you missed it.

Still better than capsizing
A cruise ship in the Pacific Ocean lost power off the coast of Mexico this week, leaving hundreds of people adrift with no way to keep food fresh or flush toilets. The Carnival Splendor had to be towed back to San Diego, after crew and passengers alike had to live on spam and granola bars for days while tolerating overflowing toilets. In other words, it was exactly like the Burning Man festival.

Shilling Accomplished
Former President George W. Bush made the rounds on mainstream media this week as part of the launch of his new book “Decision Points.” The Decider opened up to people like Matt Lauer and Oprah, telling them stories about his drinking days, when he asked his parents what sex was like after 50, and accidentally killing a goldfish when he poured vodka into the bowl. The working title of the book was “But Seriously, You Would Have Liked Me More 30 Years Ago.”

Unruly neighbors
Wild turkeys are reportedly becoming a nuisance to the residents of Staten Island, N.Y. While there is no official count, estimates reach the hundreds. The birds crap everywhere, refuse to yield for traffic, and ignore pretty much anything you do to scare them away. Sounds like they’re well on their way to being New Yorkers. Say, isn’t there a holiday coming up that can take care of this problem?

You don’t want to be there when they crack it open

In psychological warfare on animals, there are few weapons better than taxidermy. (Think we’re getting a lot of mileage out of the WoA this week? We don’t make the stories up, we just report them when the come across our desk. And yes, we only have one desk. This is a blog, after all.)

And in a lousy economy with the holidays just around the corner, you want to get that special someone a gift that means something, but will also be practical, too. May we present to you, the piglet bank. It’s a piggy bank that at one time was an actual piggy. No more of that fake porcelain pig crap, this is the real thing!

It’s also the perfect nightmare fodder for your annoying children!

AC/DC would beg to differ

It’s not enough for animals to attack us where we live, where we vacation or poop on our cars. No, the enemy is constantly coming up with new ways to defeat the human race, and it is only through the vigilance of this blog and you, alert reader, that we are winning this war. But now, the animals are after our manliness!

Scientists have determined that an animal–not humans, has the largest size huevos based on body mass. The winner is the bushcricket (Teehee!), whose males have testes which make up roughly 14% of their entire body mass, not that they’re really heavy or anything.

The Guys refuse to be intimidated by this.

Release the hounds!

An old proverb says that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” In war, this can be true, but what happens when the enemy of your enemy is also your enemy?

The U.K. doesn’t really care, they’re going for it anyway. The British Special Air Service, part of the U.K.’s special forces, though they sound more like a postal service, is reportedly employing German shepherds with video cameras attached to seek out the Taliban in Afghanistan.

How many times are we going to repeat our mistakes there? If history shows us anything, it’s that we train the enemy of our enemies, but then they turn around and use that training against us as soon as they can. Don’t think the animals won’t do the same.

Lay off the salad and reach for some Doritos

Hey, tubby, it’s us again. We are here to remind you that you still haven’t lost any weight since the last time we talked. It’s time to get serious, don’t you think? Sure, you’re working out more, and that’s great, but what about your diet?

Maybe your problem is that you’re eating too many fruits and vegetables and not enough healthy stuff, like Twinkies. That’s what Mark Haub thought, so he ate nothing but Twinkies, donuts, cookies, candy and more, and as far as we know, he does not have diabetes yet. After being on the diet for 10 weeks, he lost 27 lbs.

Crazy, huh? Well Haub is a nutrition professor at Kansas State University, and no one wants to take the advice of an overweight nutrition professor.