You Missed It: 8-track edition

Feeling rested? I certainly am. After a week off, I had some time to give the ol’ typing muscles a rest and get myself back to peak form. Now, if only I could have taken a week off from work, too.If you were busy released a revamped version of your outmoded horror movie series, odds are you missed it.

It’s not easy being president
In a speech this week, President Barack Obama said that while he works with a lot of great people in the White House, the technical gadgets are not exactly the most up to date. He complained that some of the technology there is 30 years old. This, of course, explains the CB radio in the Oval Office Obama uses to talk to Vice President Joe Biden.

They’re not mobsters, so whatever
The FBI made headlines this week when it released a document on the investigation of the 1947 Roswell, New Mexico UFO incident. A terse report confirms that some sort of object with people on board crashed in the desert. This caused quite a stir with the tinfoil hat crowd, that is until they read the last line of the document, which said “Not intended to be a factual statement.”

So close you could touch it–if your hands weren’t busy
The world’s first 3D adult film premiered this week in Hong Kong, which every guy on the planet has been waiting for since the dawn of 3D technology in the 1950s. The film itself got excellent reviews, with critics saying it brings a new meaning to “It’s coming right at me!”

Because you can’t sleep on the job

People think being an air traffic controller is an exciting job–it’s not. All you do is sit up there, with an awesome view, talking to hundreds of pilots a day, guiding thousands of people safely to the ground at your airport. *yawn*

So it’s no wonder that less than a month after an air traffic controller fell asleep at a Washington, D.C. airport that it happened again, this time at Reno-Tahoe International Airport in Nevada. But this time, it was a medical flight with an ill patient trying to land. As it turns out, it’s the sixth incident this year (!) to be disclosed by the FAA.

I’d finish the rest of this, but frankly, it’s so boring it’s making me sleepy.

Business venture with a sour taste

Capitalism is one of the things that makes this country rich great. Who doesn’t have fond memories of their first steps into the capitalist world by setting up a lemonade stand without a business permit, locating it on property not zoned for commercial use, selling a product consumers could make themselves, and refusing to pay its employees hourly wages?

That way, you get to learn that you need an investor, and that you really shouldn’t make your friends business partners. But three girls in Georgia were treated to a less-common lesson in capitalism when a couple robbed them of the $130 they had raised to donate to a sick child for medical treatment.

That, children, is the lesson of “never open a business without a security guard or lawyer present, because the bastards out there want to take your money and never look back.”

(The alleged lemonade stand thieves were arrested.)

Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend

If you’re a bank, it’s bad to be in business on a Friday. According to government statistics, the majority of bank robberies in the U.S. happen on Fridays, which makes sense, because everyone has those big weekend plans they need to finance.

In all, bank robbers stole a little over $43 million last year, which doesn’t sound like all that much, when you think about the fact that there were over 5,500 robberies reported in 2010. Here’s a little suggestion in warding off would-be thieves: play this song all day and no one will come near you.

The McBournie Minute: In which I save the federal budget

For the most part, we here at SG try to stay as apolitical as possible, except for Rick Snee, who is in fact considering a run for the White House later this year. I live in the Washington, D.C. area, so I get politics crammed down my throat enough as it is.

But every now and then I feel the need to get on my soap box and let my thoughtful, well-reasoned opinions be heard. In case your neighborhood Tea Partier hasn’t told you, the government is spending a lot of money and that needs to stop. Tea Partiers are fine with the government shutting down, as long as they still get their Social Security checks, but everyone else thinks a shutdown is a bad idea.

So I have once again lent my services to the U.S., and found us ways to save money. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: In which I save the federal budget

Cows with boobs

And we’re back. It seems the United Kingdom’s obsession with boob juice knows no limits. First, they tried to make ice cream from breast milk, now, they’re making cows that can produce “human” breast milk.

That’s right, they are taking an animals whose milk we already drink, and making them produce milk that is similar to breast milk. Next, they’re going to have cows make dairy creamer.

You Missed It: Elephant in the room edition

This is easily the most annoying day to operate on the Internet. April Fools’ Day is bad not only for the news industry, but everyone thinks they can be hilariously original and switch their Facebook profiles to “engaged” or attempt to revive the rick roll. Google doesn’t really prank anyone, it just has some amusing features, like YouTube’s 1911 viral pictures. If you were busy having a musical episode of your doctor show, odds are you missed it.

Warrior of the Week
GoDaddy.com founder and CEO Bob Parsons posted a video that got big this week of himself shooting and killing an elephant in Zimbabwe. Parsons looks pretty pleased with himself, and then locals swoop in and carve up the dead beast.  Predictably, PETA has condemned the video, and called for a boycott of GoDaddy.com until Parsons “stops shooting animals.” Just for the record, this blog has never been prouder to be hosted by Parsons’ company.

Bring your green beverage
Remember Four Loko? If you do, odds are you didn’t drink enough of it. The caffeinated fruity alcoholic beverage is now getting some competition, after it was pulled from the market: Colt 45 is bringing us Blast, a fruity alcoholic beverage aimed at drinkers of Four Loko. Best of all, Snoop Dogg is going to be their frontman. So kids, watch out for a 40-something pot smoker telling frat boys what they should drink!

Snopening Day
The 2011 Major League Baseball season officially got underway yesterday with the always-popular opening day. The only problem is that games in the Northeast may end up being chillier than usual. For example, Massachusetts just got some more snow. I don’t have ESPN’s stat tracking crew behind me, but I’m pretty sure a game has never been called on account of snow.

Cobra captured, Bronx still not safe

New York can rest easy–well, relatively easy, they’re still a terrorist target and all that–they found the cobra missing from the Bronx Zoo.

The snake escaped earlier this week, and on one hand, freaked people in the Bronx more than usual, on the other hand, the wayward snake spawned a Twitter account that soared in popularity this week. But don’t worry, it’s sure to crash now, just like Charlie Sheen’s account did.

We don’t condone fandom of animals, because it make us all think they are less of a threat than they really are. Remember: If animals had hands, they totally would have strangled you by now.

Sea-to-air attacks

It’s no secret that boating is one of the most deadly pass times around–right up there with HALO skydiving and competitive garbage-disposal clearing–but now that spring is here, we have ourselves some big reminders.

Off the coast of Florida, wife and mother of three was out with her family on a charter boat off watching eagle rays (known for their piercing scream and their sharp talons) jump out of the water, when a big one, up to 300 lbs. estimated, jumped out of the water and tackled her to the deck. Luckily, the woman was not seriously injured, however, the eagle ray escaped to kamikaze another day.

Meanwhile, near Texas, a mako shark, which, you know, have teeth and stuff, jumped into a fishing boat in what ended up a bad career move for the beast. The shark was killed and will be stuffed.

Why are these attacks happening now? Well, though it doesn’t feel like it for much of the U.S., it’s spring, and the animals know it’s time to step up their attacks on humans. Keep your guard up.

Love burns

Obvious jokes about STDs aside, love can burn you. Well, not really burning you, but pretty close.

At least that what your brain thinks. As it turns out, your brain treats emotional hurt the same as physical hurt. Because of this, you may actually hurt your lover without laying a hand on them (that they can prove in court).

Science found this by taking some people who had experienced breakups within the previous six months, and sort of burned their hands, and apparently their brains reacted the same way as when they looked at pictures of their exes.

So if you’ve been feeling down, you’re in pain, or somehow you’ve gotten a significant sickness or cold, feel free to blame your ex.