And we’re back. It seems the United Kingdom’s obsession with boob juice knows no limits. First, they tried to make ice cream from breast milk, now, they’re making cows that can produce “human” breast milk.
That’s right, they are taking an animals whose milk we already drink, and making them produce milk that is similar to breast milk. Next, they’re going to have cows make dairy creamer.
This is easily the most annoying day to operate on the Internet. April Fools’ Day is bad not only for the news industry, but everyone thinks they can be hilariously original and switch their Facebook profiles to “engaged” or attempt to revive the rick roll. Google doesn’t really prank anyone, it just has some amusing features, like YouTube’s 1911 viral pictures. If you were busy having a musical episode of your doctor show, odds are you missed it.
Warrior of the Week
GoDaddy.com founder and CEO Bob Parsons posted a video that got big this week of himself shooting and killing an elephant in Zimbabwe. Parsons looks pretty pleased with himself, and then locals swoop in and carve up the dead beast. Predictably, PETA has condemned the video, and called for a boycott of GoDaddy.com until Parsons “stops shooting animals.” Just for the record, this blog has never been prouder to be hosted by Parsons’ company.
Bring your green beverage
Remember Four Loko? If you do, odds are you didn’t drink enough of it. The caffeinated fruity alcoholic beverage is now getting some competition, after it was pulled from the market: Colt 45 is bringing us Blast, a fruity alcoholic beverage aimed at drinkers of Four Loko. Best of all, Snoop Dogg is going to be their frontman. So kids, watch out for a 40-something pot smoker telling frat boys what they should drink!
Snopening Day
The 2011 Major League Baseball season officially got underway yesterday with the always-popular opening day. The only problem is that games in the Northeast may end up being chillier than usual. For example, Massachusetts just got some more snow. I don’t have ESPN’s stat tracking crew behind me, but I’m pretty sure a game has never been called on account of snow.
New York can rest easy–well, relatively easy, they’re still a terrorist target and all that–they found the cobra missing from the Bronx Zoo.
The snake escaped earlier this week, and on one hand, freaked people in the Bronx more than usual, on the other hand, the wayward snake spawned a Twitter account that soared in popularity this week. But don’t worry, it’s sure to crash now, just like Charlie Sheen’s account did.
We don’t condone fandom of animals, because it make us all think they are less of a threat than they really are. Remember: If animals had hands, they totally would have strangled you by now.
It’s no secret that boating is one of the most deadly pass times around–right up there with HALO skydiving and competitive garbage-disposal clearing–but now that spring is here, we have ourselves some big reminders.
Off the coast of Florida, wife and mother of three was out with her family on a charter boat off watching eagle rays (known for their piercing scream and their sharp talons) jump out of the water, when a big one, up to 300 lbs. estimated, jumped out of the water and tackled her to the deck. Luckily, the woman was not seriously injured, however, the eagle ray escaped to kamikaze another day.
Meanwhile, near Texas, a mako shark, which, you know, have teeth and stuff, jumped into a fishing boat in what ended up a bad career move for the beast. The shark was killed and will be stuffed.
Why are these attacks happening now? Well, though it doesn’t feel like it for much of the U.S., it’s spring, and the animals know it’s time to step up their attacks on humans. Keep your guard up.
Obvious jokes about STDs aside, love can burn you. Well, not really burning you, but pretty close.
At least that what your brain thinks. As it turns out, your brain treats emotional hurt the same as physical hurt. Because of this, you may actually hurt your lover without laying a hand on them (that they can prove in court).
Science found this by taking some people who had experienced breakups within the previous six months, and sort of burned their hands, and apparently their brains reacted the same way as when they looked at pictures of their exes.
So if you’ve been feeling down, you’re in pain, or somehow you’ve gotten a significant sickness or cold, feel free to blame your ex.
The world’s first in-car anti-road rage system is here, and it happened by accident.
Some 2011 Volkswagen Jettas are being recalled because if you honk the horn it might shut down the whole car. This, in terms of driving, is a bad thing. However, if you think about it, it would be kind of fun to freak out your friends.
You’re driving down the road at about 70 mph and you tell your friends you can’t stop accelerating, your only chance is to lean on the horn and get everyone else out of the way–and then you kill the engine.
Hey, it’s still better than spiders.
The more dedicated readers of this blog will know that we are big on the English language. (Looking for Spanish? Check out our sister site, HombresSeriamentes.com!) It seems like every year this story run, but this year it’s a lot worse: the Oxford English Dictionary’s class of 2011.
It makes sense that languages grow and evolve. I mean, it’s not like the Pilgrims landed and spoke our version of English. For one thing, they spoke with E’s on the end of just about everything. The problem is that the folks at Oxford don’t delete words when they add new ones, even though people have clearly stopped using “groovy.”
That means that the English language is getting dumber as a whole. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: If you use these words in spoken conversation, kill yourself
We don’t want to alarm anyone here, but if you live in New York City, you may want to double check your bed before you hop in it tonight. It seems an Egyptian cobra escaped from the Bronx zoo and remains at large.
Then again, it’s the Bronx, which is tough to tell apart from Serbia. It’s completely possible that no one will notice the snake.
Wedding season is here once again. You know, that time when no one is really excited for the ceremony itself, but rather the food and open bar. I myself have several weddings to attend this year, after getting through last year with only one. At each of them, I plan on drinking an amount equal to the gift I give them. So they can either expect not a lot in a gift, or me hammered. If you were busy bombing Libya, odds are you missed it.
Alone in the tower
An air traffic controller was suspended after two planes had to land without getting clearance from the tower at Reagan National Airport, just outside of Washington, D.C. According to reports, the controller was sleeping, so he didn’t hear the planes calling for permission to land. In other news, don’t worry guys, I was out of town and never in any danger.
A solemn anniversary
It was 100 years ago today that the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory in New York City claimed nearly 150 lives, most of them women. The incident led to a series of workplace and fire safety reforms, and also put some serious steam into the labor movement. So now, when labor unions’ rights are being challenged in Wisconsin and other states, go up to a union man and ask him, “What the hell is a shirtwaist?”
It also made shooting Star Trek: The Next Generation more fun
In a video shot in 1992, Whoopi Goldberg admitted that she was stoned when she won the Oscar for Best Actress in Ghost in 1990. She claimed she smoked beforehand because of nerves. That’s great, Whoopi, would you care to explain every other time you’ve spoken publicly?
We often say that it’s safe to have pets. Sure, they’re harmless, tamed creatures that shed all over us, and they look really cute when we dress up in a sweater, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to kill us.
In New York City, a tortoise sat in its tank for who knows how long, just waiting for the right moment. Recently, that moment came. The tortoise somehow escaped its tank and knocked over a heat lamp, which was hot enough to spark up some nearby paint products. Before long, the entire apartment was on fire. Sure, the humans all got out alive, and the tortoise was saved, but the lesson here is that when it comes to pets, never turn your back.
One of them could be slowly crawling over to you while you sleep to eat your eyes.
