Reportin’ ain’t easy

It’s a sad story, one with which The Guys are all too familiar: Newspapers are dying, and those who don’t lose their jobs can end up with pay cuts.

Kevin Provencher, now a former sports writer at the New Hampshire Union Leader, had a plan to deal with his slashed pay. In what is surely going to end up as new series on HBO, Provencher began moonlighting as a pimp. His plan went well until the police caught up with him.

He was sentenced to two and a half years on the cops and courts beat.

He’s Knut breathing

Here’s some awesome tragic news for all of you: Knut the polar bear, who caught Germany’s eye years ago, is dead.

As it turns out, it was some sort of brain problem–or was it just that a team of highly-trained warriors finished off the mascot of everything that is wrong with Germany and its obsession with cute animals? Mass bird deaths, mass fish deaths, Knut the polar bear is dead. Well, we’re not talking about our extra-curricular activities.

The dead are swarming our highways

We thought we were safe. For months, we went without hearing a single word about them, but now, perhaps because they are unfreezing now that winter is over, they are back. Folks, zombies are in the Carolinas.

Luckily, the good folks at the South Carolina Department of Transportation were kind enough to warn drivers of zombies, hunters and tanks in the area. We can only presume that the hunters and tanks were called out to deal with the zombie infestation.

Remember folks, keep alert, keep your hands at ten and two and don’t pick up any hitch hikers.

The McBournie Minute: How to tweet

As I am sure I don’t have to tell you, Twitter is five years old today. And it seems like only yesterday we were wondering just what exactly a hashtag was. Seriously, it’s been five years. I would say I have known about Twitter’s existence for about three years. Regardless, it’s known to the whole world now.

But the problem is that a lot of people don’t really understand what Twitter is. They sign on, and usually their first tweet is “I have no idea what this thing is.” Well, this is a guide for all you Twitter n00bs out there. It’s time to get with 2006 and try out the Twitters.

The first step, of course, would to sign up for an account. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: How to tweet

At least it wasn’t the plunger

Aside from the basement torture chamber, the bathroom is one of the most dangerous places in the average home. Just think of everything that can go wrong–slipping in the shower, peeing on the toilet seat, the list goes on.

Now you can add to that list another danger: the toilet paper holder. EMTs in Dallas rushed to the aid of a woman who they found in her bathroom, with a toilet paper holder in her neck. Now, the blog has long said that those things should be regulated by the government, along with weapons-grade mozzarella, but this is an example of why.

As the 69-year-old Dallas woman has shown us, you can be calmly navigating your bathroom when you lose your footing and BAM, you become your next roll of toilet paper. Trend carefully!

You Missed It: Air ball edition

One of the worst days to be Irish has to be today. This is because it’s the day after St. Patrick’s Day, and after all sorts of buildup and pro-Irish stuff in mainstream media, people are tired of the Irish for a while. Plus, a fair amount of them are also hung over, which they blame on the Emerald Isle. Basically, no one likes the Irish today, it’s like being in England any day of the year, really. If you were busy reinforcing racial stereotypes at a bar this week, odds are you missed it.

Gingrich did not pick Kansas this year
March Craziness (TM) is back once again, the time when the other 75% of America pretends enough to care about college basketball. As in years before, President Barack Obama unveiled his bracket, and obvious “Baracketology” jokes were trotted out again. Former Speaker of the House and current Republican Who’s Too Afraid to Announce His Candidacy Newt Gingrich criticized the president for filling out a bracket when he should be focusing on the world’s problems. To be fair, Gingrich says the same thing when Obama goes to the bathroom.

Where’s Kevin Spacey been, you ask?
Netflix, the DVD-by-mail and online streaming service, is reportedly going to do its own show, called “House of Cards.” The series is alleged to star Kevin Spacey and be based off of a series of British political novels, that were adapted for a mini-series on the BBC. So get excited to delete that from your queue, America!

Wait long enough and scenes from every Jim Carrey movie will come true
Astrology nerds are getting excited for Saturday night, when the full moon will be at its closest point to the Earth in 18 years. It’s expected to look pretty cool and be a bit brighter than most full moons, as well as bring out really, really big werewolves.

Huffing is over

You heard it here first, folks: It’s not cool to huff anymore.

There was a time, for decades, really, when huffing chemicals to get a buzz was a young person’s way to pass the time and kill brain cells. It was cool because the kids did it. Those days are over.

According to a new study, over a million adults in the U.S. are huffing. That means that huffing is like Facebook, once they decided anyone who didn’t have a college email address could join. Once the adults are doing it, it’s no longer cool, it’s too mainstream for the cool kids.

Look at it this way, youth of America, you still have marijuana.

In the old days, they just used a gun

A lot of people own pets, we’re OK with that because we know exactly where they are at all times. However, sometimes people get emotionally attached to their animals, even though they know they will outlive them. That’s where taking them (the pets) to the vet for that walk down the Green Mile before they get put to sleep comes in.

Now, you can have your pet killed in the comfort of your own home. In Minnesota, and we assume elsewhere across the country, you can have a service come to your house and euthanize your pet for you. Of course, then you have to worry about helping put your former pet into a trash bag and hauling the carcass out to their van, but hey, it beats going to the vet, right?

Some roommates are closer than others

There are certain times when lashing out at someone is totally called for. In Arizona, they don’t really see it that way and sentenced a 24-year-old man to three years of probation, and all he plead guilty to was aggravated assault.

This guy wanted to suck his roommates blood, as he had at least once before, but the roommate refused. Well, you don’t say no to Dracula. The man then stabbed his roommate in frustration.

In Arizona, aggravated assault gets you probation–that is of course unless you don’t speak English.

Them’s snowball fightin’ words

For those of us in southern climes, it’s mid-March, which means there are buds on the trees and temperatures are rising. In New England, it’s still winter–so much so that it’s still possible to have a snowball fight.

Unfortunately for two Massachusetts men, it’s also possible to get into a fight over a snowball. For some reason, one man threw a snowball at the other’s car, a sign of ultimate disrespect in the Northeast. The driver got out of his car and a fight ensued, now they are both up on assault charges.

They’re 39 and 40 years old. The magic of a New England winter makes everyone feel like a kid again.