But what’s the message in the pink camo?

It’s cold outside, but as I am told, that is completely normal for the winter. What are not normal are guerrilla artists, you know, those people who think graffiti can be pretty, or that your local mail box should really look like R2-D2.

Recently, one such guerrilla artist covered the “Charging Bull” on Wall Street in a crocheted cozy. Why? Because they had a lot of free time, and who isn’t tired of seeing pictures of people cupping the bull’s huevos? Let’s see them try to crochet all over Lady Liberty!

The McBournie Minute: Rush out and read these because I didn’t

When I am not working, drinking, playing XBox or some combination thereof, I am constantly reading books. I think it’s important for any serious writer to read regularly. What can happen sometimes is that one reads so much they start emulating a writer’s style as their own without event thinking about it.

I’m currently reading The Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant (no, really), so if this sounds like it was written to restore my family’s wealth as I am slowly dying of throat cancer, you’ll know why. Other times, I find myself writing 1,000 pages when really, I could have just done about 250, that’s when I’m on a Tom Clancy kick. But as much as I read, I don’t get to read as many books as I would like, and I certainly never write any reviews.

So, here now are some reviews of books I have not actually read. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Rush out and read these because I didn’t

Another thing the iPhone doesn’t

Every few months we get some sort of a rock concert-PowerPoint presentation-type announcement from Steve Jobs about the latest and greatest Apple products. One thing we are sure not to hear about are the iPhone’s restaurant-robbing abilities.

A man walked into a restaurant in Connecticut, holding what appeared to be a gun and demanding money. When the cooks grabbed knives to defend themselves and the man took off. Police found him later, and they found that the man actually only had an iPhone on him.

All this, and not a single “app for that” joke.

Not even the Christmas spirit can get you out of this one

In a world where laws just can’t keep up with the changing nature of the war against nature itself, it’s nice to focus on the times when the law goes right for you and me, and get after those who would betray us.

In Baltimore County, Maryland, a group of species traitors saw a deer struggling to keep its head above water. Rather than point and laugh, the people tried to save the deer, and ended up being successful. Luckily, a Maryland Natural Resources Police officer was there to write them all a ticket. Because in the War on Animals, helping the enemy is a war crime.

Think about it: If you were drowning, would a deer save you?

Death comes at a price

Recently, my office held its Christmas holiday party at the National Museum of Crime and Punishment, it was pretty cool. We got to see Bonny and Clyde’s shot-up car, some famous criminals’ guns, and even an electric chair that was used for decades in Tennessee.

Now, it seems, capital punishment isn’t what it used to be. In fact, there were fewer executions in 2010 than their were a year earlier, according to the Death Penalty Information Center. Has the U.S. undergone some sort of shift in its views on the death penalty? Is crime going down? Nope, it all comes down to money.

States avoided using the death penalty because it costs a lot to kill an inmate, unless you shank them. Also, there’s a shortage of the drugs they use for lethal injections. Also, in an economy this tight, does it really make any sense to kill another taxpayer?

We just want you to be healthy

It’s cold season once again. And that means it’s time to take care of yourself, but that’s no easy feat around the holidays. Well, you can always take echinacea, right? Nope.

As it turns out, echinacea doesn’t really do anything for your immune system when it comes to battling colds, which means you’re better off sticking with your old family cures, like taking vitamin C, eating chicken soup, or getting drunk. Hey, alcohol kills germs. That’s science.

The McBournie Minute: Boomers in a post-mid-life crisis

Are you depressed? Do you look outside and find nothing inspiring or even remotely interesting? Do you find it hard to see anything good coming down the pike any time soon? Do you often feel as if you’ve made some horrible mistake with your life, and it’s too late to turn around and start over? Does reading an entire paragraph’s worth of questions get on your nerves?

As it turns out, you could be depressed. And while the holidays can be a time when those without loved ones nearby can get down in the dumps, this may not be why you’re feeling so bad. According to a recent survey, if you feel depressed and pessimistic when you think about the future, it could be because you’re a baby boomer.

Sure, everyone’s a little less optimistic in a down economy, but Boomers are the worst. Could you be a Baby Boomer and not know it? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Boomers in a post-mid-life crisis

What happens if they go commando?

Sure, this is SeriouslyGuys, but we try to cater to the womenfolk, too. No, really. But ladies, we are going to have to file this one under “women are just a little different.”

The term “bad hair day” is commonplace, but what really could be at issue is having a bad underwear day. In a recent survey, 27% of women said their mood can be affected by wearing an ill-fitting or unattractive pair of underwear. That means that if they don’t like the panties they are wearing, it could soil their whole day.

Meanwhile, guys are totally fine wearing the same underwear two days in a row.

You Missed It: Bring the noise edition

We’ve reached the end, everyone. Not the end of YMI, just the end of the year. We’re off every Friday until 2011, so this will be the last YMI edition for 2010. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do one of those damn retrospective things, but I do want to thank you for reading this, and I want to thank Antoine Dodson and The Gregory Brothers for bringing us The Bed Intruder Song. Easily the highlight of the year. If you were busy getting named Time‘s Person of the Year, odds are you missed it.

We can’t hear you, hippie
Hybrid cars are great. They’re expensive, they’re small, they’re associated with femininity, but the federal government wants them to be louder. The problem is that no one can hear them coming, especially if you’re blind, and hearing is pretty much all you’re going on. Fortunately, we already have a fix for that.

It’s only a matter of time before The Big Lebowski II
TRON: Legacy hits movie theaters this weekend, and has already received mixed reviews. They say the movie looks and feels great, it’s just missing some sort of human touch in the Grid. So look forward to a disappointment. Fanboys, it’s time to stop. You made this happen. Didn’t Episodes I through III teach you anything? How about the Matrix sequels? You’re like Lennie with his puppy, you love something too much and you end up killing it. (Didn’t think you’d see any Steinbeck gags in here, did you?)

Al Gore. Environment. Blah blah blah
Referring to leaked emails from executives, former Vice President Al Gore lashed out at Fox News this week, saying the 24-hour news network was deliberately giving its viewers false information on global warming or not covering it at all. To which Fox News replied, “I’m sorry, did you say something, Al?”

Keep Big Government’s hands off your breasts

Breasts: more than half the people in the world have them, but let’s not talk about Meatloaf right now, just the women.

Sure, they may be attractive to men, but did you know that they also serve a practical purpose? It’s true! They feed milk to babies, which apparently is totally normal if you just had a baby. But look out, women of America, Big Government wants to regulate what’s going on with your boobies and your breast milk!

The alleged Food and Drug Administration wants to regulate breast milk, determining if milk banks (like a blood bank, only odds are you can’t donate) should be under the careful watch of Uncle Sam, or if it’s even safe to share one’s breast milk with someone else’s kids.

Meanwhile, there’s a black market for breast milk, totally unpasteurized. So ladies, sure the economy’s a bit rough, but we’ve got a proposition for you.