In case you hadn’t heard, not many people are reading newspapers these days. Opinions on why exactly this is vary somewhat, but one of the major theories is the rise of the 24-hour news networks. Well, it looks like that one’s false, according to a recent study.
CNN, Fox News, MSNBC and other, smaller news networks saw their viewership evaporate last fall, with CNN, unsurprisingly, leading the way. Don’t worry, the English dude who took over for Larry King ought to get them all back. But really, where are all of these viewers going, if they aren’t switching to one of the competing networks?
Well, I’ve got a few theories of my own. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tuning out the news
Court rooms are serious places, I know this, because I watch a lot of judge shows. But not everyone has the same notion of how to respect the court.
A woman showed up for a court date with a small monkey in her bra. Why? Not really sure, but the monkey was wearing a dress, so it was totally kosher. Remember, folks, no matter how cute they are, no matter how much they beg, do not let animals hitch a ride in your booby pouch.
I’m writing this from my bunker. I’d tell you where it is, but then everyone would want to get in. With unrest in the Middle East and North Africa, and a devastating earthquake in Japan, I’ve decided it’s probably the end of times. I’m holed up here with a large amount of beef jerky, a bit of fresh water, and of course, Jack Daniel’s. I just wish I hadn’t forgotten toilet paper. If you were getting yourself fired from your hit show, odds are you missed it.
People will do anything to avoid bag fees
A flight attendant with Australian airline Virgin Blue lost his job this week for allegedly stowing a baby in an overhead compartment. The flight attendant said he was joking around with the parents. This has to have been a joke, you don’t put babies an overheard storage compartment. Everyone knows you put them in a cage and check them when you get your tickets.
The Dalai Lama announced that he is ready to retire as head of the Tibetan exile government, which essentially means he writes books and goes on talk shows. “Tibetans need a leader, elected freely by the Tibetan people, to whom I can devolve power,” he said. “Now, we have clearly reached the time to put this into effect.” Wow, the turmoil in the East has claimed yet another brutal, oppressive dictator’s career.
Cleveland not knocking, apparently
A 9.1 magnitude earthquake struck off the coast of Japan today, killing hundreds between the quake itself and the tsunami that followed. There’s nothing funny about that, it’s tragic. But in tough times like these, our local media outlets are here to let us know that everything is going to be OK. The people of Cleveland can rest easy tonight, as its own WTAM news radio is reporting that the “Japan earthquake will have no effect on Ohio.“
With gas prices on the rise, people are looking for some sort of relief. There are many different types of alternative vehicle fuels to choose from, including propane, natural gas, ethanol, biodiesel, hydrogen, electric, and of course wind power, when you attach a sail to the roof of your car.
But researchers in Australia are working on something different: Fuel made from tequila. OK, not actually tequila, that would be way, way more expensive than gas, especially on luxury cars, which would only take the top shelf stuff. Scientists are working with the agave plant, which is used to make tequila, to distill a fuel that traditional engines with a few modifications would run on.
The worm would give you extra mileage.
Here’s a fish kill even species traitors can appreciate: Millions of anchovies washed up dead in California. In related news, apparently anchovies are native to California.
The much-maligned snack-sized fish died for an unknown reason. Even we don’t know what the cause it. Either it’s some brave warrior with a spear, really good aim and a lot of free time, or some crazy person is poisoning the water. They could be after unpopular pizza toppings–watch your back, pineapple!
It’s looking like the world may never get to taste ice cream made from breast milk, aside from the youth of Siberia, where it’s the only way it can be served. The troubles keep piling up for Icecreamists, the makers of Baby Gaga, the breast milk-based ice cream that was supposed to go on sale in London.
Now, not only have U.K. health officials confiscated their product, but Lady Gaga sent them a cease and desist order threatening a lawsuit for naming a product something that sounds like her name. This is completely understandable, as the soft-spoken and demure Lady Gaga is known for her understated performances and upholding of the general morality.
There has to be a way to home brew boob ice cream.
It’s been quite a while, but it looks like the states are going back to war with each other. This time, it’s not over some lofty idea, like that all men should be free, or that Georgia needs water. This time it’s important: It’s over the whoopie pie.
Maine and Pennsylvania–a rivalry as old as time itself–have been jockeying for credit for the invention of the whoopie pie, because they don’t have to worry about things like state budgets or creating jobs for their citizens. Maine says they’ve had it around since the 1920s, while some claim that the Pennsylvania Dutch invented it.
This can only come to bloodshed.
We are a week into March, and of course, you are seeing all sorts of television specials and public announcements about the important contributions Irish-Americans have made to this great country of ours (or maybe The Man doesn’t want to appreciate the sons of Erin). That is of course, because I called for an Irish History Month last week, and President Barack O’Bama heard me. He declared March Irish-American Heritage Month (this year only), something John F. Kennedy never did, making O’Bama the most Irish president we have ever had.
March is often known as the most Irish of all the months, because things start turning green again, and well, the Irish liked to rise up against the English a lot this time of year. The month is filled with famous Irish holidays that are known for the traditional getting crocked out of one’s gourd, like St. Patrick’s Day, Daylight Saving Time, and My Friend Alex’s Bachelor Party.
Let’s look back now on just a few of the vital roles the Irish have played in shaping the U.S. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Kiss me, it’s Irish-American Heritage Month
Whaling has been illegal since the 1980s, unless you’re Japanese. But that hasn’t stopped tourists from the thrill of getting on a boat, going out to within striking distance, and then not harpooning the whales, but making sure they know that you could if you wanted to.
As it turns out, you are still helping to kill them, anyway. According to a recent study, orcas off British Columbia are exposed to five times as much carbon monoxide as Los Angeles freeways because of all of the whale watching traffic. Keep this in mind, warriors, as long as it breathes oxygen, we can give it lung cancer.
I am sure all of you already know this, but today is National Grammar Day. In that respect, I will endeavor not to butcher the English language any more than usual in this week’s post. I will try to improve the grammar for the usual brand, but my enthusiasm may wain. If you were busy coming off medical leave to do a presentation, odds are you missed it.
The week in craziness
Looking at this week’s headlines, you wouldn’t know anything happened other than Charlie Sheen and Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi. One said he had tiger blood in his veins, the other said his people were protesting because someone slipped hallucinogens into their drinks. Not trying to draw any comparisons between the two; I mean, killing your own people and having cocaine-and-hooker-fueled benders are not quite the same thing. But doesn’t it feel like they’re trying to out-crazy each other?
Houston, we have a problem
If you’ve ever launched a model rocket, you know how cool it is to see something you made shoot up in the air, but then come down again, often by parachute. Sometimes the parachute doesn’t come out, and the rocket crashes into the ground again. NASA kind of did that early this morning when they launched an unmanned rocket carrying the Glory satellite, which was supposed to study climate change. The nose cone didn’t separate when it was supposed to, and the satellite did not make it into orbit, crashing somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Are we ready to blame climate change-deniers for this?
Internet Explorer 6: odds are your parents still use it. In its time, it was the undeniable standard in Internet browsers, but that time was nearly a decade ago. People are still using it for some reason. It annoys tech-savvy people, but IE6 is still, for some reason, relatively popular. Now, even Microsoft is trying to get you off of it. It has a site, IE6 Countdown, tracking where it is most used and why people need to stop using its outdated product. IE6 has become the Frankenstein of browsers: even its maker doesn’t want it.