I see a tax in your future

Romania is continuing its hard-line stance against witches, so that probably means get ready for an influx of illegal immigrants making it to the East Coast on their brooms.

Witches, soothsayers, palm readers and such are now being taxed, but a new bill being considered by the Romanian legislature proposes to fine or jail those whose predictions don’t come true. Romanian witches, who apparently have a union or something, are none too thrilled with that idea.

“They can’t condemn witches, they should condemn the cards,” Queen Witch Bratara Buzea told The Associated Press by telephone.

[via Brooke H.]

Mac vs. Pagan

The iPhone can now save your soul. We realize that this is something that members of the Apple cult thought it could do all along, but it’s only now that in can, and only if you’re iCatholic.

A new app called “Confession” lets you confess your sins and gives you a penance without the pesky having to go to a church and talk to a priest. Of course, there’s always the odd chance you’ll get hacked and everyone will know you’re having sex outside of wedlock. And yes, at least some of the Church is saying this is a good thing.

So for those of you keeping score at home, if you’re a Catholic, you’re a mere mortal, and thus unable to pray to God and ask for forgiveness for your sins, you have to go through a man who has devoted his life to the service of the Lord–or an iPhone.

They’d like it if it was Valentin’s Day

The Guys really love Valentine’s Day, because we’re all sentimental and crap. That’s why we’re just going to come out and declare Russia a horrible, horrible place to live. That’s right, Russia has joined with Axis of Evil member Iran in hating the feast of St. Valentine.

Well, the Russian province of Belgorod, anyway. The Russian Orthodox church and social conservatives have condemned the holiday as a foreign holiday that has no place in their country–basically what Cinco de Mayo is to the U.S. We know Putin will set this right. He’s a romantic.

See? This is why we pay them so little

Folks, teachers are bad–we all know that. They think they know everything, which is why they get to fill our kids’ heads with lies, that only can be undone with regular viewing of political pundits.

Apparently, they have the same problems in Europe. There, a mentally ill man from Northern Ireland was hired as a German teacher in France. This wouldn’t be anything bad, except for the fact that he one stabbed a coworker and was labeled a “dangerous schizophrenic” and escaped from a hospital.

Typically, you don’t see that on a resumé.

The McBournie Minute: A bunch of bombs in the air

Let’s be fair, the national anthem is pretty tough. On top of that, it’s basically one really long question. One can blame Christina Aguilera (or C-Ag) for messing up the words right before the Super Bowl last night, but let’s face it, at least she wasn’t the Black Eyed Peas.

Sure, she is exactly why the commercials sucked and why two dudes with really bad facial hair were allowed to be quarterbacks, but Aguilera isn’t that bad. She just can’t sing the national anthem correctly, which is completely understandable, seeing as how it’s only something you hear every single sports gathering in this country.

For my money, Enrico Pallazzo did it best. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A bunch of bombs in the air

You Missed It: All the rage edition

This bugs me every year, establishments can’t hold “Super Bowl parties” because of some legal issues, so in ads they have to just say “the big game.” They can’t even say “watch the Super Bowl.” I’m pretty sure bars are allowed to mention the World Series, the Stanley Cup, or whatever soccer championship is happening that day of the week. If you were busy being named the next Superman this week, odds are you missed it.

And then came a lot of bad spoof tweets
Designer Kenneth Cole got himself into trouble this week on Twitter when he tweeted a joke about his new spring collection being the reason there was such an “uproar” in Egypt this week. Get it? People were so excited about his company’s clothing that they decided to form sides, congregate, and hurl rocks at each other for days on end. Ha!

Sarah Palin™
This week, Sarah Palin–wait, stay with me here, I promise it’s worth it–submitted applications to trademark her name and daughter Bristol Palin’s name. Apparently this isn’t uncommon among celebrities, and the term is pretty stretched here. However, if royalties end up having to be paid for using their names, the media might actually stop talking about them. Also, this blog will be in trouble for posts like this, this and this.

Question and answer
And finally, ever wanted to call the cops and ask them what the punishment is for a certain crime you’re thinking about committing? A Connecticut man called 911 to ask what the punishment would be for his growing a marijuana plant. The answer was that he could get arrested, but he’s about to find out a more in depth answer, because the police visited him and found seeds and equipment for growing a plant, so they arrested and charged him with possession of marijuana.

Science tries to hook you up again

Hey baby, how’s it goin’?

Ladies, if you speak in a similar manner, there’s a chance you might have thought, “I’m doin’ good, you?” instead of, “That’s the lamest line ever.” That’s what science says, anyway.

Apparently, when dating, it’s more likely to work out if you and your partner speak in the same manner. Of course, they can’t tell you exactly what your speaking style is or who you should be looking for. To test out this new science, we’re going to send our own Chugs “Chugs” Taylor out to pick up ladies using the speaking style of a pirate.

Baby on board?

Pregnant women are like ticking time bombs. They’re scarily hormonal, they demand strange foods and they have no interest in having sex with you. Just like a time bomb, a hormonal, craving-crazed, non-sex-having time bomb.

But now, those time bombs may be able to park where you’re not allowed to park in New York City, for reasons like security. The city is considering a bill that would allow expectant mothers with difficult pregnancies to park in no parking zones and stand in no standing zones. Pardon us, but we don’t think that just because you’re in the family way entitles you to make left turns where it is not allowed or drive the wrong way on a one-way street.

A tragedy in Egypt

It’s not often when actually important world events are important enough to be mentioned here on SG, but this is one of those times. You’ve heard about Egypt, right? Of course you have, you’re a highly literate reader with a keen interest on geopolitical strife, our target demographic! So you obviously know that Egypt has been the scene of mass protests for a week, and Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, who is more or less a dictator, plans to step down in the wake of the upheaval. Of course you knew that.

But now, dear reader, it is with a heavy heart that I pass along some bad news to you, the U.S.-Egypt exhibition soccer game has been canceled. Let’s hope this significant happening in the Middle East does not further disrupt our lives.