If you’re sick and tired of Pittsburgh or Green Bay fans, you may soon have fewer of them to worry about, thanks to the Super Bowl. Sure, going all the way brings the bandwagon fans on board, but apparently you can die from just watching the Super Bowl.
One would think it’s the estimated 2 lbs. of cheese dip each American eats during the big game, but no, it’s actually the stress of watching that does you in. It makes your heart beat faster, and could trigger a hear attack especially if you are at risk because you smoke or are fat, which of course no NFL fans are. Tense games, especially when your team loses in a heartbreaking loss just might kill you.
Every now and then, a pop culture moment comes along that changes the referential comedy landscape forever. It’s a benchmark, a culture touchstone that for years and years, people will look back on fondly. It may not stand the test of time, but in the minds of the people who were there when it was at its zenith, it will live on.
In the 1990s, that moment was Seinfeld, which ran for nine seasons before calling it quits, mostly, because Jerry Seinfeld got tired of coming up with new ways to spend money. Have you missed it since it went off the air in 1998? Probably not, because you haven’t had a chance to, it has joined the ranks of M*A*S*H and Full House in the Pantheon of Eternal Syndication. You get to watch it any time you want, and act like all of the lines are new.
But the thing is, Seinfeld is vastly overrated. There, I said it. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Time to get over ‘Seinfeld’
If there’s one organization you don’t want to mess with, it’s your local library.
In Boise, Idaho, a 75-year-old woman has been arrested in connection to a string of incidents where someone dropped condiment packets into the book return slot. This sort of thing is taken very seriously, especially in Idaho, where the only other crime problem on the rise is speeding rodents. The woman was sentenced to a month in jail after pleading guilty.
But don’t take my word for it, find out for yourself.
People are miserable. They can’t stop complaining about how rotten things are right now, and they just can’t wait for it all to be over. That’s right, a new season of American Idol is upon us, and as if that wasn’t bad enough, the East Coast keeps getting slammed with snow storms, too! If you were busy addressing the nation, odds are you missed it.
Drink as if you were a champion today
The New York Jets lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday, thus crushing their Super Bowl hopes, but that didn’t stop quarterback Mark Sanchez and wide receiver Braylon Edwards from going out and living it up in Pittsburgh, a town known for its festive atmosphere. The two Jets spent over $2,500 on champagne, shots and probably the jukebox the night of their loss. Your move, Roethlisberger.
Now’s the time to ask for that autograph
Charlie Sheen is working hard on being his generation’s John Belushi, in that he’s pretty funny but he throws really awesome parties. For more than a day and a half, Sheen allegedly partied with two porn stars, some alcoholic beverages and a suitcase full of cocaine. Surprisingly enough, the party ended with Sheen being rushed to the hospital, where he has since been released. Start your Charlie Sheen death pools, folks.
Rocking the casbah
If you like yelling and throwing rocks–and you’re not a Lakers fan–this was a pretty good week for you. Early this week, the people of Tunisia led an uprising against their government over poor living conditions, which ended in the president exiting the country. A couple days later, another African country, Egypt (bonus points if you knew Tunisia was in Africa), held its own demonstrations against its government. Poseurs!
Hey fatty, are you depressed? Well maybe you should put down that triple quarter-pounder with cheese and listen to this: The food you eat is bringing you down, tubby.
At least that’s what science says. Foods that are high in trans-fats and saturated fats are linked to depression, and not because of a negative self image well-fed people have based on societal norms. As it turns out, eating fast food could make you depressed.
Oh yeah? Then why does it feel so good to eat it?
It’s Thursday. We know your lips are parched. You can’t wait to get out of the office and head to happy hour. The bad thing about happy hour is either you can’t get totally schnockered so you can drive, or you have to blow a lot of money on a cab. Well, it might be time to invest in a horse–if you live in Montana.
Montana law, and rightfully so, does not define a horse as a motor vehicle, so it is legal to ride one while under the influence. The issue came up recently after a state Department of Transportation video jokingly showed a horse picking a man up from a bar, in a public service announcement meant to encourage designated drivers.
Only problem is that horses don’t have cup holders.
Sure, the Obama administration may be a bunch of socialist, peace-loving toddlers, but they do manage to get a few things right now and then. One of those things is an offensive in the War on Animals.
While many of our foes have retreated south or gone into hibernation (the military term is “winter quarters), the might of the U.S. federal government refuses to rest. Recently, the Department of Agriculture claimed responsibility for killing thousands of birds in South Dakota by poisoning them. The USDA said it would do it all again, too.
A hawk has invaded the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., but it won’t stay there for long. According to the LoC, the hawk hasn’t dive-bombed any researchers yet, but it could, that’s why they’re calling in the Department of the Interior to catch the bird, and “safely return it to the outdoors,” which we all know is code for waterboarding.
Keeping someone’s ashes around is a short-term solution for a long-term issue. Think about it, if you die and get cremated, and your wish is to be in the house of your kin, what happens to you when your kin dies. Do they just pass down your ashes from generation to generation. That is, of course, assuming your ashes even survive that long.
In Florida, police say two men broke into a woman’s house, where they found the urns of her dead husband and two dogs, and snorted them, because they thought it was cocaine. Needless to say, the kick wasn’t quite what they were expecting.
Men and women are very different (it’s true!), and for hundreds of years, scientists and stand-up comedians alike have been trying to figure out exactly what it is that separates the sexes, aside from the fact that one gender gets boobs at puberty, while the other gets them at age 45.
There are millions of physical, physiological and societal differences between the sexes, to use broad strokes, but there really doesn’t seem to be one thing that defines the difference. Being a student and lover of humanity, I have dedicated much of my life to figuring out just what the hell it is womenfolk are trying to say, and why they seem to think dudes are more complicated than they really are. I have found it, at long last.
The difference is underwear. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: A man and his drawers
You know how they say that if you buy drugs, you’re funding terrorism? They’re right, but not in the way they thought.
In one of the few cases where the wars on drugs and animals intersect, a carrier pigeon was caught trying to deliver drugs to a jail in Colombia recently. They have also tried to smuggling in things like cell phone Sim cards. The pigeon caught with the illegal contraband serves as proof that Colombian drug lords are in cahoots (first time we’ve ever used that word on this blog!) with animals, and it’s not hard to see that the partnership is funding animal attacks on mankind around the world.
Still think drugs are harmless?