Author: Bryan McBournie

You Missed It: Hug it out bitch edition

I write this at the climax of a bender that began last Sunday when the New England Patriots lost to the New York Jets. In the depths of my drunken despair, I realized one thing about this NFL season: the athletes who were hated in the off-season had some of their best seasons this year, leaving America to feel questionable about supporting players like Michael Vick or Ben Roethlisberger. So I’m just going to hope that between now and August Tom Brady gets in legal trouble for running a chop shop. If you were busy walking into a mall fountain while texting, odds are you missed it.

Come a little closer
Today is National Hug Day, but I’m sure you already had it marked on your calendars. It’s a holiday pushed through by special interest groups and Big Hug companies. Actually, it’s just an excuse to rub up against your coworker’s massive rack. To be fair, hugging someone without permission can be dangerous. I should know, the first time (really) I was ever kicked out of a bar was for excessive hugging.

Downgrade
Noted motorcycle dude and part-time Nazi uniform-wearer Jesse James is engaged! After a very public divorce with Sandra Bullock, it seems America’s, um, dude who used to be married to Sandra Bullock has found love. This time, it’s with Kat Von D. I’d go into details, but this story really bores the hell out of me.

Don’t make plans for 2013
The Mayans predicted that the world would end in 2012, then again, they couldn’t predict small pox, so you really can’t trust them. But now, we may have some freaky happenings in the universe that could spell our end: A big-ass star is dying, and could light us all up as if we had two suns. Betelgeuse, one of the stars in the constellation Orion, could be dead by 2012. It’s a really, really, really big star, and no one knows exactly what’s going to happen when it dies, but it could blow up and make everything really bright. I’m no scientist, nor am I one to panic, but my prediction is that we’re all going to die.

Just don’t send pictures

You know how you’re always on Facebook, checking out what your closest 500 friends are up to? Well, apparently some of them are on the can when they let the world know their latest thoughts–which makes sense, if you think about it.

According to a study, 27% of people hit up Facebook on their phones sitting on the throne. Suddenly I feel so much better about my status messages being solely about the color, texture and shape of my poop.

[via Consumerist]

Sexual supply and demand

Women: According to a recent study, fewer of you are meeting the special someone when you want to, and it’s kind of your fault. Well, not your fault individually, but rather the other womenfolk around you.

Science tells us that women between the ages of 18 and 23 feel very liberated from men, so they don’t feel the need to get tied down in a serious relationship. The result is that they are more promiscuous. And hey, we’re cool with that. Only thing is some ladies don’t grow out of it, and a lot of dudes tend to gravitate toward the women who want to hook up without a relationship. The net result is that there are fewer dudes who want a relationship when the women want it. So yeah, be happy you have one. And if you don’t have a man, really, why are you reading this?

(Side note: How awesome is that picture in the link? The dude is sleeping peacefully, but the woman is apparently suffering from either regret or severe sinus pressure.)

What did the five fingers say to the horse?

Sometimes, you have to take the law into your own hands–not vigilantism, literally having your hand make contact with the law.

When you see a horse, what’s your first reaction? Your first reaction is to slap it, like any normal human being. But that’s not advised when there’s a police officer riding that horse. According to police in Florida, that’s exactly what one woman did. Apparently, this species hero was outside a bar with some of her friends, when the horse and its rider came up to her, pinned her against the wall and told her to leave (as I understand it, the police officer did the talking).

The woman said the horse was close to her face, so she instinctually put her hand up to block it. The cop claimed she slapped the horse, and arrested her. The law is hurting our war effort!

Smokes on a plane

As we’ve noted, there seems to be a rash of people misbehaving on planes lately. We have yet another tale, and this one’s a bit better than just not turning off one’s cell phone.

The crew on a New York-bound international flight became concerned because someone seemed to have been smoking in one of the bathrooms. A man who they suspected was the culprit was warned once, and then it happened again. This time, the man smelled like cigarettes and alcohol, and became pushy, according to a report. An air marshal identified himself and asked the man to sit down. He got unruly and began “flailing his arms and legs.” But that’s not the best part.

He was French (but of course)!

The McBournie Minute: I’m game

It’s taken me a long time to build up the courage to say this, but I’m a recovering addict. You see, I’ve been playing video games since I was a kid, but only now if my condition being realized by the medical community.

Researchers studied kids with “excessive gaming” habits in the U.S. and abroad, and found that their addiction remained the same for the two-year study period, and their constant need for a fix may have been causing depression and poor grades.

Here is my story, this may hit close to home for some of you. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I’m game

A beer grows in Brooklyn

The Williamsburg neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York is well-known as the hipster capital of the country, and as you can imagine, there aren’t many chain stores there. But now, New York’s Duane Reade pharmacy chain has broken into the neighborhood and they seem to be doing quite well. The reason: Beer.

Hipsters can now go to their local pharmacy to self-medicate, at Duane Reade’s beer bar, where they can sample some of the local microbrews and even get growlers filled. Apparently, it’s doing quite well, but there’s a major flaw in the chain’s plan: No one buys a growler of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

You Missed It: Crossed stars edition

As I understand it, half the country has been staying home from work this week because of the winter storm that came through. There’s even snow on the ground in 49 of the 62 states of this great nation.?? If you didn’t go to work today, then you’re probably not killing time reading this. That’s OK, as long as you DVR it. If you were busy going for all the Tostitos, odds are you missed it.

The stars lie
Everyone got all freaked out this week when it was announced that everything people know is wrong, including their zodiac sign. It was reported earlier this week that there is actually a 13th zodiac, and that everyone’s zodiac was actually a month off. Turns out this isn’t true, the modified zodiac is a version we don’t even use, so there’s no need to worry. The name of the 13th zodiac: Ringo.

Make predictions often enough, eventually one will come true
After months, seemingly years, of rumors, the iPhone is coming to Verizon Wireless. It’s not a new iPhone, just one that works on a network allowing it to make what Apple is calling “phone calls.” Verizon’s announcement was pretty popular, because some customers are apparently fed up with AT&T. Steve Jobs didn’t do the presentation, so only half of current iPhone owners are predicted to switch.

First inspirational story of 2011 down the tubes
Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the voice, is entering rehab after admitting to Dr. Phil that he is still drinking. This comes as a surprise to many, who learn of Williams’ existence just a week earlier. For the record, Ted Williams the baseball player was quite the drinker, too, but he never had to call it quits.

Scrappy like a fox

One of the most dangerous parts about hunting, and if I’ve said this once, I’ve said it a thousand times, is that there are guns. You see, guns can be used against you. That’s why prison guards don’t carry them. But meanwhile, hunters walk around with them all willy-nilly (that’s a hunting term).

Case in point, Belarus, which, as I understand it, is in Europe. There, a hunter shot and wounded a fox. The hunter then went up to the fox and got into a tussle with it. Perhaps the fox insulted his mother or something. During the tussle, the fox got a hold of the gun, and shot the hunter in the leg. The fox remains at large. The hunter, well he’s alive, but is pride may never recover.

Arianna Huffington hates flight safety

And what’s the deal with airlines, huh? People are bringing on suspicious bagels, and Josh Duhamel and some teenager refuse to turn off their cell phones after the flight attendants tell them to!

In keeping with the form of The Huffington Post, Arianna Huffington is getting into the act a little later than some others. A flight from Washington, D.C. to New York was getting ready to head to the runway, and everyone was asked to turn off all their electronic devices. Huffington refused to do so, so a passenger got upset about it and told a flight attendant.

“‘He tells me, ‘Calm down, sir!’ I told him I was calm. If I wasn’t calm, I would have ripped it out of her hand!'”

Sounds calm to us.