German zoos are working against us

It may be just about time to invade Germany again. Well, the zoos, anyway.

Remember Knut, the cute polar bear cub German authorities let themselves be talked out of putting down? Now he’s a big-ass polar bear. How about Paul, the World Cup psychic octopus? Now he’s dead, so that’s good.

Now, the Germans are going crazy for a cross-eyed opossum named Heidi, of course. No one’s really sure why there’s such a following of the creature, but let’s face it, the Germans have proven they’ll follow anything with half a personality.

Worst of all, they have regular zoo animals at regulation levels of cuteness, that somehow defy the odds. A baby penguin at the Muenster zoo managed to make an escape, and waddled through the zoo. The baby penguin made its way into the lion enclosure. I know what you’re thinking, “Show time!” But sadly, the German lions were either too stupid or too lazy to eat the penguin, which was rescued and is, tragically, doing just fine with the other penguins.

Alcohol: The key to success

Science has proven us right once again.

As our longtime readers know, The Guys are big into fitness. We work out regularly, whether it be running, bike riding, or lifting weights (except for Chugs Taylor, he does this dance thing in his cubicle for eight hours a day and swears it’s what keeps him ripped). Do you want to be as fabulously healthy and strong as us? Science has the answer: Drink!

Thanks to some alert, and probably sloshed, researchers, we now know that people who drink a lot are more likely to work out harder and longer than their sober counterparts, and no, we’re not just counting 12 oz. curls here. So what are you waiting for? Get the most out of your New Year’s resolution and start drinking tonight!

[via Consumerist]

The McBournie Minute: Nature’s running a cartel

The Earth is a strange place, but it’s the only living quarters we have for the time being. Sure, the environmentalists act as nagging roommates, telling us we need to clean up after ourselves, and we try not to get upset when Spain is totally cranking their music when the rest of us have to get up in the morning for work, but let’s face it: We have jerks for roommates.

But what’s slightly worse is that because mankind is stuck on Earth with everyone else during what I am dubbing the Great Intergalactic Housing Shortage, and the apartment we’ve got is really kind of shady at times. Things have been a bit strange lately, at least over here in my corner.

Don’t worry, I’m stopping the metaphor now. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Nature’s running a cartel

When animals were on our side

We try not to think about it, but there was a time when mankind was not at war with animals, or rather, the animals were not at war with mankind.

It was the early 1940s, and Nazi Germany was working on taking over Europe. In Nazi-friendly Finland, a dog named Jackie became somewhat famous for the way it would raise its paw in a mock Nazi salute when its owner said the command “Hitler.” Recently uncovered records showed that the Germans knew about the dog and its owner, and had plans to put an end to the mockery–and their lives, but the war turned against them.

Then again, what if the dog was really a Nazi, maybe there never was any peace.

You Missed It: Split in twain edition

Welcome to 2011, faithful readers! Hope you all made it into the new year safely and in one piece. As you can see, I made it into what boring sticklers say is technically the beginning of the new decade. And I did so while turning my nose into a noisemaker for the past week. I went through a box of tissues in two days. If I were you, I’d maintain a safe distance from this screen, I’m just sayin’. If you were busy getting discovered for your voice while begging for change, odds are you missed it.

Next they’ll say it’s by Samuel Clemens
Suddenly everyone cares about books again, because Alan Gribben, an English professor at Auburn University is releasing an edition of Mark Twain’s The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn without Jim’s now-offensive moniker. Instead, he’ll be referred to as “slave Jim” in the book. Gribben said his edition will feature digitally-enhanced creatures to more accurately depict the world Mark Twain intended, but could not include because of the technology of the time.

Soon there will be a Mrs. Alleged Rapist
If there’s one thing Pittsburgh is known for, it’s class. And that’s why we can expect no less that an American royal wedding when the city’s Favorite Son Four years Ago gets married. Rumors have it that “Rather Large” Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, is engaged, but he and his pudge aren’t talking! If there’s one thing we know about Ben, it’s that the ladies can’t resist him–literally!

A time for action is here
This week, a new Congress took session, bringing in a new era of legislation, a new hope for America. Here are the freshest appointments the citizens of the United States have elected to represent themselves. It’s time to take action! It’s time to show some muscle! It’s time to roll up the sleeves and start working together toward a better future! That’s why the first thing the House did was … read the Constitution, a document that hasn’t been altered at all since the senor George Bush administration. Next up on Congress’ reading list: Ender’s Game.

Witch watch is back!

Romania, the creepy uncle of the world, is living up to its reputation once again. The land that spawned the legend of Dracula is now getting tough on witches. Yeah? Remember them? We haven’t covered them in years.

But in Romania, apparently they’re still a huge problem. So much so that the Romanian government has decided to tax them, along with their fellow mystics: fortune tellers, astrologers, valets and models. Being a witch in Romania is now considered a professional trade, and is therefor taxable, whereas in less progressive parts of Europe it remains a drownable offense.

No, it really is over for you

Aside from Chugs Taylor, The Guys would rather just pretend The Notebook never happened. I’ve had a theory for years that romance novels and insanely gushy movies like that give women an unrealistic idea of love and will ruin relationships.

Now it seems Ryan “Little Goose” Gosling agrees with me, and he just doesn’t care. In a recent interview the Notebook star said a guy once told him his fiancée once broke up with him after watching his work, because she suddenly realized that he would not build her a house. Because, in the 21st century, love means building a physical shelter single-handedly, providing funding for supplies, getting it up to code, installing HVAC and then furnishing the whole thing.

Would you like that medium or large?

Everyone one loves sex toys (that’s sort of the point), but let’s face it, it’s a hassle to go into a shop and browse in such a public manner. But you don’t want to order online because you need to make sure it’s just what you want. Alabama has the answer, which is not a phrase we use–ever–around here.

Huntsville, Alabama is home to Pleasures, the sex toy shop that has a drive-thru window. That’s right, now you can get your bag of fun in the same way you get your Big Mac (which is also the name of a product they sell at Pleasures). Apparently, business is booming.

In the interest of full journalistic disclosure, we want to make it clear here that own own Rick Snee lives in Huntsville, and their is an overwhelmingly slight chance that he represents two-thirds of their business.

They didn’t make it to 2011

Arkansas gets made fun of a lot, and rightfully so. But you have to give them credit, they do know how to ring in the new year.

Thousands of birds fell from the sky on New Year’s Eve in Beebe, Arkansas, and no one really knows why–or at least no one is taking credit for it. Theories include loud noises or fireworks, or maybe some sort of illness. We know what you’re thinking, and you can’t prove that any of The Guys were in Arkansas then. Was it you, faithful reader? If so, come forward and be hailed as the hero that you are!

The McBournie Minute: The Seaward!

For the first time in quite a while, we’ve had a shocking moment that came from neither WikiLeaks nor Charlie Sheen. The new year has its first scandal, and we didn’t even make it a week. Apparently, someone over at the USS Enterprise is going to get in trouble for some inappropriate humor.

A series of videos were made involving crude humor, in the form of homophobia, assumed nudity and use of an Incubus song as part of the soundtrack. The videos came to light this week when a newspaper, unable to figure out a way to put the videos in printed form, posted them on their website. The most shocking part is that it was an officer of the Enterprise who was behind all of it.

To everyone’s surprise, it was not Capt. James. T Kirk this time. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The Seaward!