This week, Bryan Schools is off. We are not exactly sure why. At last report he was drunkenly wandering the streets of Baltimore as his holiday-themed alter-ego Roethlisberger Claus, offering women rides on his lap. Whether he really asked them beforehand is unclear. In any case, I, Bryan McBournie, am here to fill in. You can think of me as backup quarterback, Tarvaris Jackson.
I am here to talk about easily the worst person playing in the National Football League, also one of the most talked-about these days: Brett Favre. His streak is over, everyone, and pretty much no one is surprised by that, but somehow Favre topped himself.
You see, Brett Favre is a tremendous douche. Continue reading Eat My Sports: The end … or is it?
Remember, even though the War on Animals is mostly about animals, there are always species traitors to deal with, too. In Illinois, fast food joints became a target for attacks when a man took a dead squirrel his buddy left in his car (technically, that was the first attack), and decided to ask a Hardee’s drive-thru attendant for nuts for his squirrel.
She was not convinced the dead squirrel in his hands was real, and to prove the veracity, the man threw the dead squirrel at her. The man has since been charged, the squirrel became evidence.
I’m a patient person. I try to stay out of a lot of conflicts, which is not easy in a town like Washington, D.C., or as the hip people call it “Man, this city really needs a cool nickname, like ‘The Big Apple,’ ‘The Big Easy’ or ‘Rice-a-roni Land.” When it comes to politics, I’m independent, but I do get irritated when people talk about “the real America.”
I hate when people say that, because, there is no “real America” there’s just America, and it’s as real as you’re going to find, except for Los Angeles, which, as I understand it, is all CGI. People believe different things, like different things, have different values, and at the end of the day, we call manage to find some sort of common ground to keep the neighborhood going for another day. We’re earnest, honest and hard-working, we’re not some tool to be used by the talking heads who can’t get themselves elected.
I also hate when people say “the real America” because real Americans suck. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Come on, folks, Train?
Who hasn’t accidentally shred more than $6,000 in cash? I mean, it’s sort of a rite of passage. OK, so maybe it doesn’t actually happen to anyone ever–except a guy in Taiwan. Fortunately, there’s a happy ending to this story.
Last month, the man dropped a bag of $6,600 in cash in his company’s shredder. We’re guessing he was pretty upset after he did it. Why he had the bag of cash there, and why he was holding it over an industrial shredder remains unclear. However, he got the help of a forensic scientist who reassembled the bills and got the man’s money back.
We’re guessing there was an assembler’s fee.
It’s mid-December, you know what that means: it means it’s nearly the end of fantasy football. How is your team doing this year? I can tell you, my teams are getting their overpaid asses handed to them this year, and I’m in two different leagues. The good news is that I am still beating Bryan Schools–even if he’s the only one I’m beating. If you were busy lighting a bomb-laden house on fire, odds are you missed it.
Why don’t you just dance on Leslie Nielen’s grave?
This week, SpaceX, a commercial rocket company, launched a spacecraft into orbit and returned it to Earth again, a milestone in space exploration. The truly historic day was marked by one mystery: what was the super-secret payload that was launched and returned? SpaceX confirmed that it was a wheel of cheese, in a fromage omage to Monty Python. No, that really did happen and that really is why.
Angry students in London held a protest against higher college tuition outside the British Houses of Parliament. The protest turned into a riot after the news spread that the House of Commons narrowly passed the measure. Fires were set, statues were nearly pulled down, and even the car of Price Charles and Camilla was hit with rocks and sticks as they went to see an evening play. Ah, don’t you just love the romanticism of Christmas in jolly ol’ England?
Ring in the new year with some GTL
It was announced that cast members of MTV’s Jersey Shore will be helping to ring in the new year at Times Square. The Situation and that other dude will be trying to get the crowd to break the Guinness world record for people fist pumping, and Snooki will be inside the ball when it drops at midnight. What will the ball look like? Orange. See what I did there? I took the high road.
We don’t want to start a panic, so we’re going to lead off by saying that the issue has been resolved. Got it?
THERE WAS A CRAZY EMU RUNNING THROUGH TOWN!!! And by town, we mean West Greenwich, Rhode Island, which is not quite the emu’s natural habitat, unless it thrived on beer cans scattered by the side of the road. Apparently, the emu broke out of its cell–er, pen, and ran crazy through town, causing one resident to call 911 and report a “big chicken” running around. Yes, they really said that.
Luckily, the escapee was brought in by the local animal control and an average Joe everyday hero. Who knows how many lives they saved that day?
Small dogs are annoying, everyone hates them. (What’s that? Really?) I’ve just been told that not everyone hates small dogs. Well, how about this: everyone hates small dogs brought as carry-ons for a flight.
Now, it’s justified: They can divert your flight. That’s what happened on a flight from Newark, New Jersey to Phoenix. A dog jumped out of its cage, because apparently it was one of those doorless cages, and bit a passenger and a stewardess. The pilot was forced to put down in Pittsburgh. And let’s face it, no one wants to end up in Pittsburgh in December, especially when they’re dressed for Phoenix.
The dog, of course, was taken into custody by sky marshals and was detained for questioning.
It’s the Christmas season, which is the only time of year it is socially-acceptable to dress up in a Santa suit. The Guys don’t take this lightly. We believe it is perfectly fine to dress up like Santa Claus, as long as you are with several hundred of your closest friends who also happen to enjoy dressing up like Father Christmas.
For example, in Maine, Santas get together and all go skiing on the same day. It’s like any other day in Maine, because there’s nothing else going on up there, but this time you get to wear that special costume you’ve been working on all year!
Don’t live in Maine? Neither do we. But chances are where ever you live, you’ll be within driving distance to Santarchy, where, you guessed it, people dress up in their best Santa suit, congregate in a public area, and, well, act really jolly. Here in Washington, D.C., the Chris Kringles will be taking over on Saturday. I have already taken it upon myself to alert the Secret Service.
As my dedicated readership well knows, if there is one thing I pride myself on, it is being a straight-up journalist. I am so certain of this conviction that I make it my life even outside of work. I am speaking, of course, about my addiction to Entertainment Tonight and like shows. Let’s face it, if it’s not on E!, I’m not aware of its existence.
This life I lead has brought me in contact with numerous famous people I now call my friends. So I was shocked to hear that my good friend Josh Duhamel, arguably the most famous person to come out of Minot, North Dakota, ran into some problems while waiting for his plane to take off last weekend. You know how it is–those nagging flight attendants insist on having you turn off your phone because of some alleged “FAA rules.”
Unsurprisingly, Josh has been getting a raw deal. So I offered him space here to set the record straight. Josh, take it away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: It wasn’t Josh’s fault
Let’s face it, there’s no good reason to live in North Carolina. However, it can be a little more tolerable if you live in the Charlotte area.
There, people have been giving $100 bills randomly to people who look like they need the money. It’s the fourth year in a row the so-called Secret Santas have done this. They shake hands with people and sneak them the $100 bills before they even know what happened. So if you happen to be heading to Charlotte, just walk around shaking people’s hands, eventually you’ll turn a profit.