Author: Bryan McBournie

Not all the war has quieted for the winter

We don’t want to start a panic, so we’re going to lead off by saying that the issue has been resolved. Got it?

THERE WAS A CRAZY EMU RUNNING THROUGH TOWN!!! And by town, we mean West Greenwich, Rhode Island, which is not quite the emu’s natural habitat, unless it thrived on beer cans scattered by the side of the road. Apparently, the emu broke out of its cell–er, pen, and ran crazy through town, causing one resident to call 911 and report a “big chicken” running around. Yes, they really said that.

Luckily, the escapee was brought in by the local animal control and an average Joe everyday hero. Who knows how many lives they saved that day?

Dog bites man — on a plane

Small dogs are annoying, everyone hates them. (What’s that? Really?) I’ve just been told that not everyone hates small dogs. Well, how about this: everyone hates small dogs brought as carry-ons for a flight.

Now, it’s justified: They can divert your flight. That’s what happened on a flight from Newark, New Jersey to Phoenix. A dog jumped out of its cage, because apparently it was one of those doorless cages, and bit a passenger and a stewardess. The pilot was forced to put down in Pittsburgh. And let’s face it, no one wants to end up in Pittsburgh in December, especially when they’re dressed for Phoenix.

The dog, of course, was taken into custody by sky marshals and was detained for questioning.

Ho ho whole lot of time to kill

It’s the Christmas season, which is the only time of year it is socially-acceptable to dress up in a Santa suit. The Guys don’t take this lightly. We believe it is perfectly fine to dress up like Santa Claus, as long as you are with several hundred of your closest friends who also happen to enjoy dressing up like Father Christmas.

For example, in Maine, Santas get together and all go skiing on the same day. It’s like any other day in Maine, because there’s nothing else going on up there, but this time you get to wear that special costume you’ve been working on all year!

Don’t live in Maine? Neither do we. But chances are where ever you live, you’ll be within driving distance to Santarchy, where, you guessed it, people dress up in their best Santa suit, congregate in a public area, and, well, act really jolly. Here in Washington, D.C., the Chris Kringles will be taking over on Saturday. I have already taken it upon myself to alert the Secret Service.

The McBournie Minute: It wasn’t Josh’s fault

As my dedicated readership well knows, if there is one thing I pride myself on, it is being a straight-up journalist. I am so certain of this conviction that I make it my life even outside of work. I am speaking, of course, about my addiction to Entertainment Tonight and like shows. Let’s face it, if it’s not on E!, I’m not aware of its existence.

This life I lead has brought me in contact with numerous famous people I now call my friends. So I was shocked to hear that my good friend Josh Duhamel, arguably the most famous person to come out of Minot, North Dakota, ran into some problems while waiting for his plane to take off last weekend. You know how it is–those nagging flight attendants insist on having you turn off your phone because of some alleged “FAA rules.”

Unsurprisingly, Josh has been getting a raw deal. So I offered him space here to set the record straight. Josh, take it away. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: It wasn’t Josh’s fault

It’s a good time to be friendly

Let’s face it, there’s no good reason to live in North Carolina. However, it can be a little more tolerable if you live in the Charlotte area.

There, people have been giving $100 bills randomly to people who look like they need the money. It’s the fourth year in a row the so-called Secret Santas have done this. They shake hands with people and sneak them the $100 bills before they even know what happened. So if you happen to be heading to Charlotte, just walk around shaking people’s hands, eventually you’ll turn a profit.

You Missed It: The mole edition

And here’s the first You Missed It since Thanksgiving. So here’s hoping you enjoyed gaining 20 lbs and getting trampled by fellow shoppers on Black Friday. I hope Rick Snee wasn’t too rough on you a couple weeks ago, but don’t worry, Papa’s back. If you were busy getting censured by the House of Representatives, odds are you missed it.

Cable leakage: Not a euphemism
Remember WikiLeaks? That’s the site that leaks some military stuff that the federal government didn’t really appreciate. Julian Assange, the head of WikiLeaks, whose name and face even make him out to be a Bond villain, found himself under fire from Interpol this week for alleged sexual crimes, oh and he also made headlines for releasing cables from the State Department with some unflattering revelations about other countries. Among the leaks, Vice President Joe Biden has an outstanding warrant in Bolivia relating to a wild weekend in the 1970s.

See you in three years, soccer!
This week, dozens of Americans were shocked and upset by FIFA’s decision to have the next two World Cups in Russia and Qatar. They were just as shocked and upset to find that Qatar was a country, not just a term used for emo kids. Cheer up, America, as far as I know, we are still going to host the World Series, the World Championship and the World … Stanley Cup.

Getting caught in the gears of a combine, that’s the way I want to go
As mentioned by this blog several times this week, Leslie Nielsen, best known for his slapstick movies and perma-white hair, passed away on Sunday. Nielsen was known for is cornball humor even though his earlier work was actually quite serious, including 1956’s Forbidden Planet. During the filming of that movie, Nielsen rigged his ray gun to make fart noises. (See what I did there? A delayed visual joke!)

NASA disappoints pretty much everyone

Hey, NASA finally came out with its big super secret announcement about some sort of biological news that will change life forever! Are you ready for it?

They found bacteria–on Earth.

This is a special kind of bacteria, though. Rather than partly being made up of phosphorus, it’s made up of arsenic. Cool, huh? No, no it isn’t. Sure, it means that the building blocks of life may be a little different than we previously though, but come on, NASA, you’re the space guys. You can’t hype an announcement about biology for several days and not show us an alien.

The important thing is that we can still kill it with soap.

This could be great for flights changing time zones

Let’s face it, flying is not as much fun as it used to be. The seats were larger, you were thinner, the meals were free, and bags used to be free. But things are going to get a little better for American Airlines passengers: happy hour.

For flights that take off between 5 pm and 5:59 pm local time will offer drink specials, including $1 off beer and $2 off liquor and wine drinks. That way, when you’re flying home for the holidays, you don’t have to wait until you walk in the door to pour a stiff one.

Further, you now have a better reason to drink in-flight: the pilot could crash the plane just by adjusting his or her seat.

Never prematurely drop anchor

We know how it is, you’re going to see, so it’s time to bend an elbow like a true sailor.

We are totally OK with that. Being pirate enthusiasts (check out our Sept. 19 posts–any year) we are all for drinking on board a ship, plus a little anarchy. However, it may be ill-advised to drop the anchor on your cruise ship as it is churning through the sea. Not for some sort of safety issue or anything like that, but it could kill the propeller, and then how would you reach land to pillage more rum?

See, this is why pirates always used sails.

(A+A via Consumerist)

The commies have it in for Bruce!

Bruce Willis is best known for his tough guy image, and his classic roles, like the voice of Spike the dog in Rugrats Go Wild. But now in Russia he’ll be known as that guy from the television commercials.

John McClane himself has signed on with Trust bank (which sounds like English spoken poorly by a Russian spy) to appear as the spokesman in a new ad campaign. Apparently Willis is something of a star over there, too, even though the Russians know he stands for everything that is good and decent in America.

There’s only one thing: Willis’ predecessor, weightlifter Vladimir Turchinsky, died suddenly last year. I smell a trap!