Author: Bryan McBournie

The McBournie Minute: You won’t get a card from me

I’ve seen enough “Shirley” references on the Internets to last me through this mourning period. I keenly feel the loss of Leslie Nielsen, as he played a major role in the shaping of my humor in my formative years, and his comedies stand up even today. We’ll miss you, Enrico Pallazzo.

You may not have heard about this, but is now the holiday season. That means it’s time to get cheery, damn it! You express your Christmas/ Hanukkah/ Kwanzaa/ Ramadan/ Boxing Day spirit by putting up lights, acting like a buffoon in retail stores and drinking to excess at parties. Christians add a bit more on to this: the Christmas card.

Yesterday I was walking out of the grocery store, filled with warm and fuzzy feelings about those important to me, and how I should make an effort to maintain those relationships. I thought that perhaps I should send them some sort of a message letting them know that they are in my thoughts, and that I am doing well.

Then I realized I was thinking about Christmas cards, and I stopped thinking about other people. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: You won’t get a card from me

Update your status or it didn’t happen

We’ve all known that Facebook can be bad for your professional career, and put a serious crimp in your extra-marital activities, but now, it’s actually bad for your health.

An Italian man suffered an asthma attack after signing on to Facebook and checking out how many friends his ex-girlfriend had added. First off, this is a rookie mistake. You never check an ex’s profile, you’ll never find any good information there (that’s why I stalk in person). Secondly, if your ex is adding enough friends (or “friending,” as the kids are calling it), to trigger your asthma, he or she is probably a whore, and you’re better off.

Going out with a touch more style

Gay men may not have the right to marry in most states, but they boldly refuse to give up their right die like anyone else. In Germany, stereotyping coffin makers see this as a niche market they are eager to tap, but not like that, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

German undertakers are now offering coffins with mostly nude muscular men painted on them. We are told they are painted in the style of renaissance artwork, and that the only real difference is that the paintings have mustaches.

This would also serve as a great prank for that macho, heterosexual male friend who recently passed away.

Jive turkeys

Another Thanksgiving, another genocide–just the way George Washington and Abraham Lincoln intended it when they landed on Plymouth Rock. But some people out there don’t just hate America, they hate their own species, and will do anything to help man kind lose its most important battle.

When it comes to Thanksgiving, these traitors can’t help but try to adopt turkeys to keep them from the slaughter. This isn’t like when the president pardons a turkey, because a pardon is based on the fact that you have committed a crime. In a sense, a presidential pardon of a turkey is an annual affirmation that the birds are after us, it is in their very nature. What these species traitors do is adopt turkeys, and then set up adoption programs to keep turkeys off of your table.

What’s next? A ban on leprechaun hunting on St. Patrick’s Day?

The McBournie Minute: Hands-on security

I’ve been doing a lot of flying lately. No, I’m not going to do one of those anthropological traveler-type columns–at least not this time. This time, I have a bone to pick with the TSA. Some call them lazy, some call them worthless, some call them nothing more than legalized harassment.

I say these guys are heroes. They are on the front lines of homeland security, day in and day out. On top of this, they have to wear those extremely blue dress shirts as part of their uniform. Because of this, they thank us for not laughing at them too much. Sure, they make us take off our shoes, empty our pockets, make sure our laptop is in a separate tray and confiscate our lighters if they happen to be looking at the x-ray machine at that moment, but they also make us feel safer.

People are getting after them about their new body scan photography stuff and thorough pat-downs, I say do more, and do it to me. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Hands-on security

We feel that way about reality shows, too

Bristol Palin has a chance to do something her mother never has: win a nationwide election. Palin the Younger made it to the finals of the ironically-titled “Dancing with the Stars” this week, but at least one person wasn’t happy about it.

According to police, Steve Cohan, 67, of Vermont, Wisconsin (we checked, it’s a real place), took his shotgun to his television after seeing Palin dancing in last Monday’s episode. Apparently, in the People’s Republic of Wisconsin this is illegal or something, because it led to a 15-hour standoff with police.

Apparently the pests can swim

New York and Paris have a lot in common, for example, they are both heavily romanticized in movies and are populated by insufferable douches. But now they’ve got one more thing in common: bed bugs.

Yes, like the city so nice they named it twice, gay Paris is in the midst of a terrible bed bug outbreak, and no one knows how to stop it. What’s particularly sneaky is that the infestation has been going on for three years, but we’re only now just hearing about it.

Scientists are able to distinguish French bed bugs from their American counterparts, because they smoke constantly and refer to their underground movement as “Le Résistance.”

The man does know how to party

So, who’s ready for a sequel to a surprise hit comedy that will almost surely fail to reach the genius of its predecessor, but be played more commonly on cable than the first installment because it costs less? That’s right, we all know The Hangover 2 is going to be made, and we all know that Mel Gibson is not going to be appearing in it.

However, former President Bill Clinton will be making a cameo. This could be the greatest presidential appearance in a movie since Jimmy Carter in An Officer and a Gentleman.

The McBournie Minute: ‘Boobies’ under attack

October is over, so once again cancer supporters feel safe enough to come out from hiding. It may seem hard to imagine, but there really are people that are pro-cancer and do not work in the tobacco industry. It’s worse, actually. It seems they have infiltrated our schools.

Two girls in Easton, Pennsylvania merely wanted to show their support for the awareness of breast cancer but were instead the victims of discrimination by the very people our tax dollars pay to educate them. These cancer mongers suspended the girls. Breast cancer has affected the lives of my family and friends, so this can be something of an emotional issue for me. I hope I am not going overboard when I say that these so-called authorities should be the victims of severe cases of chafing in the near future.

The girls’ only crimes were wearing “I (heart) boobies!” bracelets. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: ‘Boobies’ under attack

Fighting the war can taste good

Time and time again, we are shown that it is foolish to fight a land war in southeast Asia. This time, it is the animals that are learning that lesson the hard way.

Scientists recently discovered a new species of lizard, and they found it on their plates. The lizard, which is entirely female and reproduces by cloning itself (we’re assuming this is science for “witchcraft”), is apparently quite tasty, because it can be found in several Vietnamese restaurants.

SG Recipe: Take a dozen Leiolepis ngovantrii, season with sriracha sauce, grill until blackened. Enjoy the taste of war.