Hello, how have you been? I have to say I had a really nice time with you the other night. No, there’s no need to pay for your half, it was my pleasure treating you. Listen, you seem really cool and all, but I’m just not sure I felt the spark that I was looking for. Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t fight it, I need you, reader. If you were busy running in the New York Marathon, odds are you missed it.
Still better than capsizing
A cruise ship in the Pacific Ocean lost power off the coast of Mexico this week, leaving hundreds of people adrift with no way to keep food fresh or flush toilets. The Carnival Splendor had to be towed back to San Diego, after crew and passengers alike had to live on spam and granola bars for days while tolerating overflowing toilets. In other words, it was exactly like the Burning Man festival.
Former President George W. Bush made the rounds on mainstream media this week as part of the launch of his new book “Decision Points.” The Decider opened up to people like Matt Lauer and Oprah, telling them stories about his drinking days, when he asked his parents what sex was like after 50, and accidentally killing a goldfish when he poured vodka into the bowl. The working title of the book was “But Seriously, You Would Have Liked Me More 30 Years Ago.”
Wild turkeys are reportedly becoming a nuisance to the residents of Staten Island, N.Y. While there is no official count, estimates reach the hundreds. The birds crap everywhere, refuse to yield for traffic, and ignore pretty much anything you do to scare them away. Sounds like they’re well on their way to being New Yorkers. Say, isn’t there a holiday coming up that can take care of this problem?
In psychological warfare on animals, there are few weapons better than taxidermy. (Think we’re getting a lot of mileage out of the WoA this week? We don’t make the stories up, we just report them when the come across our desk. And yes, we only have one desk. This is a blog, after all.)
And in a lousy economy with the holidays just around the corner, you want to get that special someone a gift that means something, but will also be practical, too. May we present to you, the piglet bank. It’s a piggy bank that at one time was an actual piggy. No more of that fake porcelain pig crap, this is the real thing!
It’s also the perfect nightmare fodder for your annoying children!
It’s not enough for animals to attack us where we live, where we vacation or poop on our cars. No, the enemy is constantly coming up with new ways to defeat the human race, and it is only through the vigilance of this blog and you, alert reader, that we are winning this war. But now, the animals are after our manliness!
Scientists have determined that an animal–not humans, has the largest size huevos based on body mass. The winner is the bushcricket (Teehee!), whose males have testes which make up roughly 14% of their entire body mass, not that they’re really heavy or anything.
The Guys refuse to be intimidated by this.
An old proverb says that “the enemy of my enemy is my friend.” In war, this can be true, but what happens when the enemy of your enemy is also your enemy?
The U.K. doesn’t really care, they’re going for it anyway. The British Special Air Service, part of the U.K.’s special forces, though they sound more like a postal service, is reportedly employing German shepherds with video cameras attached to seek out the Taliban in Afghanistan.
How many times are we going to repeat our mistakes there? If history shows us anything, it’s that we train the enemy of our enemies, but then they turn around and use that training against us as soon as they can. Don’t think the animals won’t do the same.
Hey, tubby, it’s us again. We are here to remind you that you still haven’t lost any weight since the last time we talked. It’s time to get serious, don’t you think? Sure, you’re working out more, and that’s great, but what about your diet?
Maybe your problem is that you’re eating too many fruits and vegetables and not enough healthy stuff, like Twinkies. That’s what Mark Haub thought, so he ate nothing but Twinkies, donuts, cookies, candy and more, and as far as we know, he does not have diabetes yet. After being on the diet for 10 weeks, he lost 27 lbs.
Crazy, huh? Well Haub is a nutrition professor at Kansas State University, and no one wants to take the advice of an overweight nutrition professor.
Bacon: it’s arguably the greatest part of a BLT. It is also all around awesome. We’re talking about pork bacon, none of that impersonating turkey crap, or the reduced fat bacon. This the stuff that sizzles in its own fat until somewhat crispy. If the world had a flavor, it would be bacon, because bacon is awesome.
These are the sentiments of most guys I know. If you think about it, it’s hard to come up with a type of food that wouldn’t taste even better if bacon were added. Soup, seafood, ice cream–you name it, it will taste better with bacon. So it stands for reason that the same thing would apply for beverages. This is undoubtedly why the people at Jones Soda Co. are including bacon soda in their holiday pack this year. But I can do you one better.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have tasted bacon-flavored bourbon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Bacon-wrapped booze
At some point in ancient history, or at least several decades ago, man made the change from nomad into a more settled lifestyle, giving birth to civilization. We may never know exactly what happened, but according to science, beer was the reason.
While people may have been growing grains under the guise of using it for bread, we now know that it was really they were making beer.
Remember the upwelling of enthusiasm and the youth vote two years ago? Well, let’s just say people under 45, our demographic and then some, decided they were a little to busy to get out there this time around. Who knows if that really had any impact on the election’s results, but I can tell you I was the only one of The Guys to vote. The other three are convicted felons. If you were busy tracking down bombs on planes, odds are you missed it.
To the surprise of no one but Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, the Republicans gained control of the House of Representatives, and weakened the Democratic majority in the Senate. It’s like two years into the Clinton administration all over again. You know what that means: the chances of a sex scandal are getting better and better by the day! It won’t be with Christine O’Donnell, though.
XBox doesn’t like black people
Microsoft launched its motion sensor dohickey called “Kinect” this week. It hooks up to XBox 360s and enables you to play games by moving around, kind of like a Nintendo Wii. Rumors spread that the Kinect had trouble reading people with darker color skin. Consumer Reports said it found no evidence of this, but the white XBoxes did get nervous when the newer, black XBox 360s came to town.
Off the wagon, off the bus
David Cassidy made headlines this week when he was arrested in Florida on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. He was apparently unsteady on his feet, and had a bottle of bourbon in the car with him. Really? This is making headlines now? Cassidy has about 18 more arrests until he catches up to Danny Bonaduce.
We rarely see two major issues merge (but we’re hoping the War on Animals and the War on Christmas will combine when rabid squirrels jump out of someone’s tree this year). Today, we have a momentous occasion: the War on Animals and Booze News have met.
In Australia, a rum company is taking some heat from species traitors because of a recent commercial we find to be in the highest echelons of taste. Long story short, an alligator blows up, thanks to the sage advice of the founders of the rum company. Watch the video, it will make more sense.
We salute Bundaberg Rum for its pro-war propaganda that also makes them money. If we ever make it to the land down under, it’s rum for us!
Smokers, we all know them, we all hate them. Smokers even hate smokers–unless they want to bum one. Heck even some of The Guys are smokers–unless their wives are around, that is.
We have successfully gotten smokers off planes, out of the office and away from pure oxygen in hospitals, but that’s not good enough. In England, they know what’s up. That’s why in one part of an English county, if you’re going out for a fag during work hours, you’d better clock out, you wanker. They are no longer paying for your one last respite of sanity in the whole Dickensian country.
It’s enough to drive you to drink, except that the pubs close before 11 pm.