Author: Bryan McBournie

So, how ’bout those mid-term elections?

Happy Day After Election Day. Don’t worry, we’re not going to let you down, we brought the topical stuff for you today. We stayed up all night writing our best stuff about what happened last night. OK, I’m kidding. We may or may not have anything on the election for you, but here’s a story about Halloween!

A couple of dentists in Pennsylvania are tired of seeing kids rot their teeth with candy on Halloween, so they’re doing something about it. They are proposing to buy back candy from trick-or-treaters so they don’t get cavities. Good idea guys, pay the children not to eat candy. You’re putting yourselves out of business while encouraging kids to do take care of themselves all for the almighty dollar. Socialism!

How’s that for hard-hitting political analysis?

You’re hurting society, time for a nip

Alcohol: If you’re doing in, odds are you’re hooked on the most harmful drug in the world, at least according to  some British medical experts. That’s right, booze is more harmful to society and you than crack, heroin or any other drug you can think of.

Why? Because it’s available all over the world and so commonly used. Then again, it’s legal because it’s the least harmful form of self-medication. The logic is enough to drive you to drink.

One of the co-authors also believes that horseback riding is more harmful than ecstasy. You don’t want to know what he thinks about horseback riding under the influence.

The McBournie Minute: We’re not gonna protest

As both of my regular readers well know, I live in the Washington, D.C. area, which means I deal with seeing crazy people everywhere, but that’s Congress for you. Being an area resident also means that because you live where politics and stuff happen, everyone with a strong opinion and lack of a job comes to your city and believes you care more about their cause than anyone else in the country.

They are always wrong. It is hard to express to people with literature about Bush or Obama being a Nazi that I really don’t care about what they think, and that I am happy to cancel out their vote. Then there are the rallies, oh, the rallies. It’s been a bad year for those. There was the annual “We Hate The War on Terrorism” rally, then there was the “We Hate Everything Congress is Doing Right Now” rally, followed by the “Glenn Beck Told Us to Show Up Here” rally. All of which I made sure I was out of town during.

Then came a rally that may actually have been one for the ages: The Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We’re not gonna protest

You Missed It: Denise Richard’s fault edition

Forgive me if I seem a bit out of it. My office had a happy hour last night, and it lasted well longer than an hour. You know how it is. The important thing is that it’s now Friday and it’s time for us to greet the weekend with open arms–just don’t get all handsy with it. If you were busy stumping right before the election, odds are you missed it.

We’ve all been there
Charlie Sheen has long been known as the ideal parenting figure, but that’s shattered now because of an incident this week. In New York City, Sheen was on vacation with his ex-wife and children when the cops were called to his hotel room. Sheen, quite inebriated and possibly emotionally disturbed, was found naked and rambling amidst $7,000 worth of damage to his room. Also, there was a porn star in his closet. He’d better get his head on straight, he’s got another Hot Shots! to think about.

At least they are seriously considering the time traveler theory
A fourth shooting at a military building happened in Virginia this week. Someone shot at the National Museum of the Marine Corps, and there are no suspects at this point. Also, federal authorities arrested a Virginia man who believed he was helping al Qaeda do some surveillance for a planned bombing of Washington, D.C.’s subway system. So yeah, living in the D.C. area has been pretty exciting for me this week.

There’s a run on orange body makeup
According to People magazine, the most popular celebrity Halloween costumes this year are Snooki, from Jersey Shore, and Lady Gaga. While it is likely that someone out there that will wear a dress made out of uncooked meat, scientists do not recommend it. They say such a costume could make you a walking health hazard, which some people may mistake for Snooki.

Just a light snack

If you’re thinking about grabbing some lunch, you may want to think about eating cockroaches.

Well, maybe just holding them in your mouth. Whether you chew is entirely up to you. On Halloween, a pet store employee in Michigan will try to beat the Guinness World Record for holding cockroaches in one’s mouth. Aside from the obvious attention from the ladies it will get him, he is doing it for charity.

In case you’re wondering, the record is six.

Disappointment between the sheets

In hotel rooms and their own homes, many Americans are not sleeping alone, even if they think they are. We have heard a lot about the onslaught of that bed bugs are inflicting on these United States, particularly in urban areas, but what we didn’t know is that they’re out for more than just our blood.

As it turns out, they are ruining our relationships, according to a video. Couples are breaking up because of bed bug infestations. Their plan is not merely to make us all sad and lonely, but it’s more sinister. They want us to stop having carnal pleasures, so that we can’t procreate anymore.

Remember, folks, the deed can be done away from your sleeping quarters.

Eight arms, but only one life

Remember Paul the Octopus? He correctly predicted the outcome of all of Germany’s World Cup games this summer. He was beloved by many, and captured the soccer world’s heart for a few weeks. And now he’s dead.

Paul was found dead in his tank (or as they call them in Germany, “panzer”) yesterday. Dying of what appear to be natural causes. Let us not forget that Paul had enemies. He pissed off the Germans–usually a bad move–when he correctly predicted their loss to Spain, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he was a symbol of the evil West’s obsession with superstition, and well, there’s The Guys.

Yeah, we think it was Iran, too.

Judicial activism strikes the WoA

Thanks to efforts by proud Americans like you, most of the country knows and understands why we are at war with the animals. It wasn’t a war we wanted, but it’s one we will finish. Unfortunately, a judge in Kansas just doesn’t get it.

Logan County, Kansas had had enough of prairie dogs digging around, making holes and looking all cute-like. They decided to round up the enemy, and sentence them to death. The varmints were sitting on death row when a species traitor pointed out that executing the prairie dogs would be a violation of the Endangered Species Act. The hippie judge agreed, granting the enemy combatants a stay of execution. It’s Bleeding Kansas all over again.

(Yes, we do those kinds of references here, too.)

The McBournie Minute: Dead Walkman walking

Great, now I have to figure out what this whole “MP3” fad is about.

As you have no doubt heard by now, Sony is canceling its outrageously-popular Walkman cassette players, in a move critics are calling nothing short of foolhardy. Get them while you can, folks, because the last batch of Walkmans (Walkmen?) has left the plant. After 31 years of production, the Walkman has been abandoned, relegated to history long before its time.

I call on you, dedicated readers, to help fight against this audio injustice, and leave no Walkman behind. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Dead Walkman walking