Rev. Lovejoy will not be pleased

Catholics are pretty under-represented when it comes to cartoons. Sure, there are plenty of Protestant characters, even some Jews, but rarely do you see Catholics. That’s why the Church is doing its best to convert cartoon characters. Among the most recent converts are Homer and Bart Simpson.

The Vatican’s official newspaper, which was taking time to address the truly important matters facing the Catholic Church today, said that Bart and Homer were Catholics because of the way they live their lives. This is news to the writers.

    Other Cartoon Catholics:
  • The Griffins — “Family Guy”
  • Father Maxi — “South Park”
  • Jesus Christ — “South Park”
  • Yogi Bear (converted in the final season so that Cindy would marry him)

    The McBournie Minute: Hater’s guide to fall

    There’s something about the onset of fall that gets everyone all excited. It’s really the only other time people get excited about the beginning of a season other than spring. When fall arrives, people go nuts. They put on their hoodies, start picking apples and figure out what they are going to be for Halloween.

    Well, I hate to break it to you, but fall sucks. Unless you live far enough south that the changing of the seasons really doesn’t mean that much to you, you should hate fall. Your romanticized visions of milder temperatures and foliage are a lie.

    It’s time you hate fall, too. Here’s why. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Hater’s guide to fall

    Tune in next week for the minister of transportation!

    There are few issues sexier than finances–everyone knows that. It is for that reason that they go so well with soap operas. In Thailand, the government gets this, that’s why they had their finance minister make a cameo on one of the biggest soaps in the country.

    Korn Chatikavanij appeared in a commercial associated with a special episode of the hit show “Wanida,” talking about–you guessed it–finances. The U.S. could learn something from Thailand. I think it’s about time we saw Ben Bernake appear as an amnesia patient on “General Hospital.”

    You Missed It: Up from the depths edition

    So um, hey, how about those baseball playoffs? How is your favorite team faring in them? Really? That’s awesome/too bad, there is so much baseball left/always next year. And how about the local NFL team, huh? Man, they are doing really well/terribly/unspeakable things that end up getting them suspended for the first four games of the season. This weekend when you’re out at a bar, that’s how you strike up a conversation with the guy drinking whiskey neat staring at the television. If you were busy givin’ speak peeks of your new show fishin’ an’ kayakin’ and snow-machinin’, odds are you missed it.

    Rise of the mole people
    Christmas came early this year for Chile, after the 33 trapped miners who were told they would not be rescued until the holidays, were brought safely to the surface this week after 69 days trapped underground. In an interview with The Washington Post, Richard Villaroel, one of the rescued miners, said the only way they talked about cannibalism was in joking terms. We imagine it went something like this: “Hey! Hey Eduardo! You’re looking pretty skinny there, jefe! *snort* You’d better gain some weight, because when you die down here without ever seeing sunlight again, we are going to eat you! Get it?”

    And he’s about 30 years too old to be wearing Crocs
    Minnesota Vikings quarterback and noted senior citizen Brett Favre finds himself in hot water after naked pictures, allegedly sent to women not his wife, surfaced. No this isn’t like a couple years ago when Washington Redskins running back Chris Cooley accidentally included his dong in a picture he posted on his blog (really). For the record, even little Favre wears a purple helmet.

    Now he’s got rubber to burn
    Pastor Terry “14 Minutes and Counting” Jones made big news a month ago when he didn’t burn the Koran like he said he was going to. As a reward for not doing the dumb thing he planned to do, which is the whole reason he is a known name anyway, a New Jersey car dealer is awarding Jones a car. The joke’s on the pastor, however: it’s only a Hyundai Accent.

    That’s the power of love

    We’ve all been there–that goofy high you get when you first fall in love. (Editor’s note: If you regularly read or write for SG, “we” probably does not include you.) As it turns out, that dopey feeling may actually be dope.

    Aside from the ability to annoy your friends by skipping into a room, science has found that the beginnings of love actually may also give you a higher pain threshold. Researchers found that just doing things with your betrothed helped ease pain of some sort. It also reduces the number of nights you spend wailing into your pillow about worrying that you won’t have a kid before you’re too old.

    It was found that those who were looking at their lovers while they had their hands burned could actually stand it longer than if they were looking at someone else. They equated it to morphine, you know, that highly-addictive painkiller they give you sometimes in hospitals that makes just moving your head seem like a wild ride.

    Yeah, love.

    That’s why vampires are so skinny

    Listen, tubby, we tried talking to you earlier this week. We really though you would listen to us about your weight, but did you? That’s a negative. So, here we are, again, giving you advice on how you can outrun death for a few more months. Maybe this time you’ll listen.

    We’ve seen you outside running, biking, playing sports, hiking, taking in the glorious sunlight. Guess what? The whole time you’ve been making yourself fatter. Get inside already! Science has proven that there is some sort of a connection between your contact with sunlight and your body’s weight, regardless of what you do or do not eat. The fact is that the sun makes you fat.

    Meanwhile, it gives Superman his powers. Think about that for a while.

    And the killer is …

    With fall descending upon the Northern Hemisphere, it’s easy to forget about our beastly foes as they hunker down for winter. They are too busy storing food to help them survive the cold months. Yep, it’s easy to forget about things like the bees.

    Fortunately, it may one day be perfectly acceptable to forget about the bees, because they may no longer exist. Scientists have determined, in a story we’re fairly certain we heard about over a year ago, bees have been dying off for the past couple years because of a tag-team effort between a fungus and a virus. They join forces to make the bees go nuts, fly off in all directions, and then die–alone and cold.

    Kind of inspiring, isn’t it? Maybe in the War on Animals, we have overlooked teaming up with germs, spores, molds and fungi. Let’s start working together to defeat a common foe.

    It’s time to think about your career

    Sup, ladies? You’re looking strong and independent, today. Good for you. What’s that? You’re not happy with the amount that you’re being paid? You think men who do the same job as you are making more? First off, you’re not supposed to be looking at other people’s paychecks, and secondly, maybe it’s time for a change.

    No, we’re not talking about a career change. We’re not even talking about going out and buying a new outfit to make yourself feel better. It’s time to lose some weight. It sounds rude, but trust us on this one. Your self-confidence that society has tied to your appearance is for good reason: the thinner you are, the more you get paid, at least according to a new study.

    Conversely, fat guys get paid more than their skinny male counterparts. I’ll finish the rest of this post once I polish off this box of doughnuts.

    [via Brooke H.]

    The McBournie Minute: Space tourism–without the hassle of going to Russia

    As far back as the 1950s, men wanted to go into space, not by a rocket, but by a glider with a rocket attached to it. That idea was soon ruled out as crazy, because, well, good god, why would anyone ever want to do that? But now, we have Richard Branson, billionaire and noted crazy person, who wants to do it.

    Space flight could be just around the corner for everyone who isn’t Lance Bass. The dream of going into space is just around the corner, thanks to Virgin Galactic, which is working on the first commercial space flight service. The company is one step closer now, with the successful test flight of its glider. It didn’t go into space or anything, but it flew–and landed–safely.

    Some of you wannabe space tourists are salivating now, but I am here to tell you, I will never go on one of those things. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Space tourism–without the hassle of going to Russia

    Rise of the rat robots

    If you have read us at all, you are well-informed about the threat animals pose to civilization. And if you’ve watched or read just about any piece of science fiction in the past 150 years, you know that science is bad. What’s worse is when animals and science combine.

    We’re not talking about animal scientists, that’s just silly. Instead, we’re talking about a robot with the brain of a rat. At the University of Reading, England, scientists took rat brain cells and hooked them up to robots, and apparently, their scheme has worked. The robots can avoid walls.

    Sure, it may not mean much now, but in a few years, they’ll start putting guns on these things, and no one will be safe from these animal cyborgs.

    [via @JesseNewhart]