What’s Connecticut gonna do when WWE fans run wild all over the polls?

Hey, did you guys know there’s some sort of “congressional” election coming up? It’s true. And in Connecticut, apparently they really care about it this time around. Sen. Chris Dodd is stepping down, and the two people competing for his job are seeking an edge however they can.

State Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who is know for lying about serving in Vietnam and keeping our children safe from Wii beer pong, is running against Linda McMahon, is married to Vince McMahon, the head of the wrestling organization. Connecticut said voters will not be allowed to wear WWE gear to the polls because it could be seen as campaigning for McMahon inside the voting area.

McMahon’s campaign said that there is no way it could be seen as a campaign, but asked that if voters are asked to cover up WWE clothing before voting, that they instead tear off their shirts, then make a dramatic gesture out of putting their hands to their ears.

You Missed It: French Revolution edition

Halloween’s on a Sunday this year. How lame is that? I realize that there’s over a week until then, but really, who’s going to go to any Halloween parties on Sunday night, aside from those who lost their jobs in the Great Recession? Sure, there will be parties on Friday and Saturday, but it’s like celebrating Christmas on Dec. 22–it’s not the same, and you only do that if your parents are divorced. If you were busy whoring your new talk show during the League Championship Series, odds are you missed it.

Union oui!
Strikes, riots and protests continue in France over a pension reform bill. A major port has been closed for over a week, and six major labor unions are calling for a strike next week. The reform bill would increase the age of retirement from 60 to 62. The French don’t get upset about much, but you take away their right to be lazy, and watch out.

The pace of justice is slow
Justice Clarence Thomas is known as the joker of the Supreme Court today, but nearly 20 years ago, judge trying to get a promotion, when some woman said he shouldn’t get it because his humor was too awesome. Now, Thomas’ wife, Virginia, wants an apology from Anita Hill for her testimony during Thomas’ 1991 confirmation hearings that nearly torpedoed his job. Why now, no one knows. What we do know is that the pubic-hair-on-the-Coke-can gag never gets old around my office.

It’s a family thing
If you can out-drink your friend, it might not be your own skill, the fact that you think nothing of polishing off a sixer on a nightly basis, or your genes, it may actually be your friend’s genes. Geneticists have found a gene that significantly reduces the likelihood of alcoholism. The down side is that it also makes that person more sensitive to alcohol, getting drunk faster. That makes sense, because to be an alcoholic, you really need to be able to hold your booze. They don’t send you to AA because after work you go have a couple Mike’s Hard Lemonades and wake up on someone’s lawn.

Drink yourself thin

It’s National Collegiate Alcohol Awareness Week, which is why everyone’s wearing pink all month long. To help spread awareness of alcohol to kids in college, we are sending out this message of support: Hey, college kids! Did you know that drinking makes to cooler?

(Also, we’re on a week-long bender, that’s why we haven’t updated SG News in so long.)

There’s a new diet sweeping through the annals of higher education in our fine country. It’s helping thousands lose weight. It’s called drunkorexia, which also sounds like the most awesome dinosaur ever to stagger the Earth. Drunkorexia is one of the easiest diets around. All you do is cut back on your food during the day so you can save up those calories for booze later on! There’s no need to work off the extra calories, because there are none. Of course, you do get a massive hangover from drinking on an empty stomach, which leads to eating greasy foods.

We predict the next big thing on campus will be drunkolimia. Eat and drink as much as you want, because you’re going to throw it up at the end of the night anyway. It works for Rick Snee!

When you’ve got a thirst, reach for the worst

It’s Thursday, so there’s a fair chance that you are thinking about polishing off a few after work this afternoon. Well, if you do, make sure you don’t go out and buy some Olde English 800, unless you want the dubious honor of consuming the worst beer out there.

According to ratebeer.com, you can search the world, but you won’t find a worse tasting beer. Not surprisingly, the other beers on the top ten worst list are made right here in the U.S. of A., baby! We do crappy beer better than any other nation in the world–without a doubt.

Go with a Natural Ice, instead. The world’s second-worst beer.

[A+A via Consumerist via ratebeer]

They’re going after our children

Hey, how long does it take until the unexplained death of a child is funny? Well, let’s see if 30 years works.

Actually, you’ve been laughing at it referentially for years, and you didn’t even know it. Apparently, in 1980, a dingo allegedly got an Australian woman’s baby. In fact, that woman was sent to jail for the murder of her baby because no one believed her. She got out when they found baby’s clothing near a dingo nest or something.

And now, thirty years later, the Australian government is asking: Was it, animal-related murder?

The family affected by the whole ordeal is seeking a new inquest into the matter, to figure out if it was, in fact, an animal that framed this woman. Knowing what we know now, does it really seem so far-fetched?

Rev. Lovejoy will not be pleased

Catholics are pretty under-represented when it comes to cartoons. Sure, there are plenty of Protestant characters, even some Jews, but rarely do you see Catholics. That’s why the Church is doing its best to convert cartoon characters. Among the most recent converts are Homer and Bart Simpson.

The Vatican’s official newspaper, which was taking time to address the truly important matters facing the Catholic Church today, said that Bart and Homer were Catholics because of the way they live their lives. This is news to the writers.

    Other Cartoon Catholics:
  • The Griffins — “Family Guy”
  • Father Maxi — “South Park”
  • Jesus Christ — “South Park”
  • Yogi Bear (converted in the final season so that Cindy would marry him)

    The McBournie Minute: Hater’s guide to fall

    There’s something about the onset of fall that gets everyone all excited. It’s really the only other time people get excited about the beginning of a season other than spring. When fall arrives, people go nuts. They put on their hoodies, start picking apples and figure out what they are going to be for Halloween.

    Well, I hate to break it to you, but fall sucks. Unless you live far enough south that the changing of the seasons really doesn’t mean that much to you, you should hate fall. Your romanticized visions of milder temperatures and foliage are a lie.

    It’s time you hate fall, too. Here’s why. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Hater’s guide to fall

    Tune in next week for the minister of transportation!

    There are few issues sexier than finances–everyone knows that. It is for that reason that they go so well with soap operas. In Thailand, the government gets this, that’s why they had their finance minister make a cameo on one of the biggest soaps in the country.

    Korn Chatikavanij appeared in a commercial associated with a special episode of the hit show “Wanida,” talking about–you guessed it–finances. The U.S. could learn something from Thailand. I think it’s about time we saw Ben Bernake appear as an amnesia patient on “General Hospital.”

    You Missed It: Up from the depths edition

    So um, hey, how about those baseball playoffs? How is your favorite team faring in them? Really? That’s awesome/too bad, there is so much baseball left/always next year. And how about the local NFL team, huh? Man, they are doing really well/terribly/unspeakable things that end up getting them suspended for the first four games of the season. This weekend when you’re out at a bar, that’s how you strike up a conversation with the guy drinking whiskey neat staring at the television. If you were busy givin’ speak peeks of your new show fishin’ an’ kayakin’ and snow-machinin’, odds are you missed it.

    Rise of the mole people
    Christmas came early this year for Chile, after the 33 trapped miners who were told they would not be rescued until the holidays, were brought safely to the surface this week after 69 days trapped underground. In an interview with The Washington Post, Richard Villaroel, one of the rescued miners, said the only way they talked about cannibalism was in joking terms. We imagine it went something like this: “Hey! Hey Eduardo! You’re looking pretty skinny there, jefe! *snort* You’d better gain some weight, because when you die down here without ever seeing sunlight again, we are going to eat you! Get it?”

    And he’s about 30 years too old to be wearing Crocs
    Minnesota Vikings quarterback and noted senior citizen Brett Favre finds himself in hot water after naked pictures, allegedly sent to women not his wife, surfaced. No this isn’t like a couple years ago when Washington Redskins running back Chris Cooley accidentally included his dong in a picture he posted on his blog (really). For the record, even little Favre wears a purple helmet.

    Now he’s got rubber to burn
    Pastor Terry “14 Minutes and Counting” Jones made big news a month ago when he didn’t burn the Koran like he said he was going to. As a reward for not doing the dumb thing he planned to do, which is the whole reason he is a known name anyway, a New Jersey car dealer is awarding Jones a car. The joke’s on the pastor, however: it’s only a Hyundai Accent.

    That’s the power of love

    We’ve all been there–that goofy high you get when you first fall in love. (Editor’s note: If you regularly read or write for SG, “we” probably does not include you.) As it turns out, that dopey feeling may actually be dope.

    Aside from the ability to annoy your friends by skipping into a room, science has found that the beginnings of love actually may also give you a higher pain threshold. Researchers found that just doing things with your betrothed helped ease pain of some sort. It also reduces the number of nights you spend wailing into your pillow about worrying that you won’t have a kid before you’re too old.

    It was found that those who were looking at their lovers while they had their hands burned could actually stand it longer than if they were looking at someone else. They equated it to morphine, you know, that highly-addictive painkiller they give you sometimes in hospitals that makes just moving your head seem like a wild ride.

    Yeah, love.