Author: Chris "Chugs" Taylor

As we told you last week, California’s in a bet of dry spell. While mandatory water shortages have been great for the artificial lawn industry, Big California Denim is is crying a river.

They might want to save those tears.

The jeans industry is majorly worried about how they’re going to pre-distress jeans for purchasers, as traditionally, jeans are washed over and over and over in order to get that authentic vintage look.

Allow SG to give you free business advice: why not just beat the jeans with a bat, over and over and over?

Some people take the adage “if you don’t succeed at first, try, try again” way too seriously.

Liana Barrientos is alleged to have married 10 men in 10 years. What she’s not alleged to have done is divorce 9 men in 10 years. Or even 7 men in 10 years. Therein lies the problem. Police theorize that she’s taking part in legalization status marriages. SeriouslyGuys theorize that she has an extreme phobia toward obtaining divorce paperwork.

As the only single member of SG, I can’t begin to understand her logic.

It sucks mightily when your property gets stolen. Oh, how it burns! And may the devil take the soul of the brigand that took your stuff! Luckily, the police are there to get your stuff back for you. What they’re not there for, apparently, is to catch the culprit.

Wednesday night, a thief managed to sneak into a dealership and skedaddle off with a car. Of course, given that the dealership is located in Indianapolis, the car that was taken was the official pace car for the Indy 500. Yup. The car was later found in another county, totaled. The car stealer was not found in another county … or at all.

Also on Wednesday, a family came up to their cabin in Washington only to find that it was gone. Completely. Vamoosed. The police later found the cabin, but let’s be honest: if a cabin can be lifted up and taken away without a sign, it’s not a cabin, it’s a slightly large refrigerator box. As always, the perpetrator of the theft has yet to be found, presumably running around the country with the killer of Nicole Brown Simpson.

You might notice that there appear to be two different names for this movie. There’s a reason for that. See, at the ticket counters and at IMDB, the movie is listed as Furious 7; however, upon the title appearing in the movie, it read Furious Seven.

If this is an issue for you, stop while you’re ahead. Those are my only words of help for you. This is going to be a slightly different review. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Furious 7/Furious Seven’

In the wake of the existent then non-existent UVA/Rolling Stone scandal, schools all around the country are initiating fraternity reform. The University of New Orleans is the latest one to take the cause. They will not tolerate loitering, threats to the student body and apparent gang activity. As such, they’re kicking the Beta Eta Eta fraternity and their frathouse off of campus.

Unfortunately, the move will be (tee-hee) more expensive and time-consuming than the school expected. And as to be expected, there are detractors that say the BEE’s should stay on campus. Nonetheless, sometimes it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Monday morning in Texas saw zebras on the loose!

No, really. Sure, it seems a little absurd, but it’s true. Police in Jasper County spent their morning herding and corralling the horse-like beasts all over Highway 96. What’s not known is how they got out, but luckily they were returned to their owner.

It could’ve been much worse. Had this happened in winter, during a rain and snow storm, the results could’ve been dire.

It’s not easy being a Chicago Cubs fan. The Cubs are a team that, through and through, manages to just foul up and make “this year” not “their year,” and that’s coming from someone who doesn’t even like baseball. That’s how famously bad they are!

As such, it’s understandable that Cubs fans would drink heavily at their games. Unfortunately, drinking tends to make a bladder less reliable, forcing the drinker to need to pee. Double unfortunately, so many Cubs fans were drinking so many beers due to the Cubs being so bad on Opening Day that the lines to use bathrooms at Wrigley Field were THE WORST.

Long lines at the bathroom and drunken fans needing to pee of course led to some fans using their plastic cups as a makeshift urinal. These would be the same plastic cups used to drink beer in. People, if you’re going to get beers at Wrigley Field, please, oh please, make sure that the beers are cold.

The drought currently happening in California (of which the post-title sequence in Furious 7 may potentially be a significant contributor) has been a major issue for people that don’t know how to have packages of bottled water or refill empty bottles via their tap. But in every disaster, there is something that is able to shine.

In the age of World War II, the arms industry began its ascent. During the Nixon impeachment trials, the sound-proofing industry lived again! With the bursting of the dot com bubble, the repo business had a second golden age.

And now the AstroTurf industry will see its return! Thanks to mandatory water shortages being enacted, people won’t be able to keep their lawns watered. But image-driven California won’t let their lawn not be green! As such, artificial lawn companies have been kept busy with rush and emergency orders. After all, success and happiness is measured with a green lawn.

People that eat at Burger King aren’t great, but hey, they’ve gotta eat somewhere. And no, the food at Burger King is not even remotely good food, but if you have to eat it, it’ll do.

So screw you pigs for forcing people to not eat at a Pennsylvania Burger King. Biting is bad! There are much better, more passive-aggressive ways to prevent people from eating at Burger King, like posting pictures of chicken nuggets in their mash form.

Until recently, terror was becoming terrible. We suffered years of the Paranormal Activity franchise making the same convoluted film over and over. We endured genre catastrophes like Dracula Untold and I, Frankenstein trying to create horror superheroes.

But ominous cinema, that which slowly unveils its secrets, creating nightmare scenarios that do more than scare, they disturb, is here. David Robert Mitchell’s It Follows is now here to keep you up at night and make you look behind your shoulder. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘It Follows’