Some exciting research about slee … *snoooooore*

Another example of why science needs to study “obvious” things: peeing on jellyfish stings is a terrible idea.

One of the more interesting aspects about the scientific process is that it cannot be based on commonly held or assumed wisdom. This leads to criticism of experiments and, by extension, the entire field of science when researchers test something we all assume we know. For example: calling fruit fly research a waste of government funding because we all know what fruit flies are, dontchaknow?

Which is why it seems strange to research sleep. You know, that thing we all hate when we’re young and elusively seek as we age. But, what’s sleep for, other than to chase bunnies or be Vikings?

The prevailing theory is that animals need sleep to basically recharge the brain. But, then that would mean that brainless animals, like jellyfish, wouldn’t need sleep. Except it turns out that they totally do, you guys.

In what could easily be the plot of an already-cancelled Real Genius TV series (you’re welcome, Netflix), three Caltech students snuck into the jellyfish lab after hours to settle a bet: whether jellyfish sleep. They observed sleep-like behavior in the jellyfish:

1.  They didn’t move much at a set time of night.
2. They were slow to react to stimulus in this state.
3. After being kept up all night by squirt torture (welcome to SeriouslyGuys, disappointed porn Googlers), they were clearly out of sorts and needed a deeper sleep the next night.

So, it turns out you don’t need a brain to need sleep. Which means that, while we still don’t know why we sleep, this does explain why certain relatives will be passed out on your couch this Thanksgiving.

Runner’s runs defiling neighborhood

After multiple mid-run runs, it might be time to invest in brown shorts.

Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.

Multiple eyewitnesses in a Colorado Springs neighborhood have caught an unidentified runner mid-trots (in both meanings) on their front yards, back yards and even on a Walgreen’s. The runner has used the same lawn multiple times and even comes equipped with napkins to wipe afterwards.

So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.

The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).

‘Old man’ getting older

The “old man” in A Christmas Story was 23. During the Depression.

If it seems like dads are getting older on average (and yet playing more video games and collecting their own toys later than younger generations), then you’re not wrong. According to a study by Stanford’s School of Medicine just published in the journal Human Reproduction, today’s average dad is three and a half years older than dads were on average 45 years ago.

While 1972’s dads were around 27.4 years old and chain-smoking in the waiting room, 2015’s dads in the delivery room are nearly 31 years old. Analysis also revealed that the number of dads over 40 and 50 both doubled in that time.

But, before our male readers get excited, no, it’s not because women prefer older men. Mothers are also getting older and are actually closer in age to the fathers of their children today. Unlike in the ’70s, when all of those ladies were marrying eligible bachelor-captains of the gold medallion and polyester industries.

Just in case everyone pushing 30 is getting anxious: relax, it’s an average. The study includes one 88-year-old father and, on the other extreme, an 11-year-old one. And if the latter doesn’t shame you into putting on a button-up shirt next time you go on a date, then maybe you’ll have better luck in your 40s or 50s.

Nature finds way to create job openings

Don’t bother getting to know the new intern, kids. He’ll be dead by next pay period.

You may have noticed more entry-level positions requiring experience that people just entering the work force don’t have.

That’s because nobody can retire anymore, even though privatizing retirement through mutual funds and other investment accounts was supposed to make up for “unsustainable” pensions and social security. Which means many people of retirement age back in, oh, 2008, gradually moved into less skilled jobs in their companies, prompting job descriptions to change.

Well, as Ian Malcolm warned us in Jurassic Park, nature finds a way. Older people are now dying at a higher rate in the work place, even as workplace fatalities decrease. 35 percent of 2015 workplace fatalities involved workers 55 and older.

Now, the one question to settle: are they dying more due to accidents caused by “gradually worsening vision and hearing impairment, reduced response time, balance issues and chronic medical or muscle or bone problems such as arthritis” as gerontologists (or really old scientists) say? Or were they pushed?

Sneezing birthday cake out declared overdoing it

The only 100% foolproof way to keep people from eating bacteria-tainted cake.

In our daily search to deliver to you, dear reader, the most pressing, urgent news, we read some unbelievable statistics. For example: blowing out birthday candles apparently delivers 1400 percent more bacteria to the surface frosting than already put there by your filthy, disgusting baker. (Sharing a tub with both a butcher and candlestick maker — meat and tallow? That’s nasty.) And that’s incredible if they, at any point, put baking supplies in their purse.

So, if your birthday wish is to give all of your “friends” and family strep or worse, have we got good news for you.

Never ‘Scrooge McDuck’ in an ATM

The trapped man’s attempts to psychically project his pleas to “cash [him] outside” through a 14-year-old girl on Dr. Phil also failed to get help.
When a locksmith got trapped in the room behind an ATM without his phone or swipe card to get out, he applied critical thinking and passed notes to ATM customers outside. (Well, the first critical thinking since leaving the keycard that would let him out or his phone in his truck.) Unfortunately, it took a few tries to get help because “some customers appeared to dismiss the notes as a gag.”

So, thanks a lot, candid camera prank shows and web feeds. You’ve created a world where nobody trusts a note reading “Please help. I’m stuck in here and I don’t have my phone. Please call my boss” on their ATM receipt.

Don’t worry. Somebody did eventually call the police. But, if we as a society can’t trust a machine that gives us cash and quotes Alice in Chains, who can we trust?

Booze News takes to the skies

Beer is always The Guys’ baggage.

The Guys have two important updates in the world of booze today, and both center around civil aviation.

If you’ve ever waited for your luggage in the airport, then you’ve probably seen a few mushy airport greetings. We never got them, personally. You just went on a trip to get away from someone, and now you both have to pretend to be happy to see each other?

That is, until we saw this airport reunion.

Some lucky bastard can’t wait to lock lips with this beauty in front of Avis and everybody.

An Australian man (of course) checked the beeah (it’s apparently Australian for “beer”) as his sole luggage on a flight from Melbourne to Perth. And, to demonstrate how much more seriously Australia takes both beer and luggage, it arrived in perfect condition. So, that’s two reasons to fly Quantas now.

On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how much you pay for the flight, there’s still a limit to how much you can drink before they’ll let you take off. Former Anheuser-Busch CEO August Busch IV was taken into custody for allegedly appearing too intoxicated to pilot a helicopter, which is weird, because we thought everyone drinks Bud Light to sober up before heading home. But, statistically, it’s still the safest way to travel to Waffle House at 3am.

UK police look to give mystery amputee the finger

London 2010 … does anyone know what these guys ate before the Olympics? Because they’re clearly missing a few fingers.

Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.

The odd thing about the Summer of Mystery Amputations, or SoMA, is that none of the amputations happened this year. In fact, many of these extremities were originally removed in previous decades or even millennia. But, today’s is much more recent: a finger found seven years ago in the U.K. that doesn’t match any open cases and was never claimed by anyone.

So, if you’ve lost a finger in London 2010, and can describe it, the police would like to free up a little space in their office fridge for an extra Cornetto.

NASA uses many materials, but not Goop

“Alright, Commander Shephard. This masking tape should realign your sex chakras, which I don’t have to tell you will calm your internal seminal fluid dynamics and help you read better in low light.”

Remember those Memory Foam mattress ads (maybe they’re still on late night television) and how they’d claim they were developed for and approved by “the space agency,” complete with a weird almost, but not quite NASA-y logo? That was because, even though Memory Foam was developed for a NASA mission, you can’t use the NASA name or logo to sell things.

Well, as Gwyneth Paltrow and Body Vibe learned recently, that’s also the case for bullsh*t that NASA did not approve.

NASA issued a statement Friday that they don’t use carbon fiber materials in space suits to monitor — much less heal — astronauts’ vital signs. This was to counter claims made by Body Vibe on Ms. Paltrow’s blog lifestyle site, Goop, that their $5 to $6 body stickers can restore “our internal balance” to an “an ideal energetic frequency.” Well, we don’t have to tell you that this “calming effect” is essential for maintaining energy reserves, strengthening immune systems and alleviating “physical tension and anxiety” — that’s just Science. (And we f*ckin’ love Science.)

So, for now Goop is NASA-free until they verify Body Vibe’s claim. Which should happen any day now, we’re sure …

Walk like an Egyptian amputee

“Wiggle your big t — oh.”

So, this is pretty cool. Archaeologists found a 3,000-year-old fancy prosthetic big toe in the Sheikh ´Abd el-Qurna tomb in Egypt back in 1997. After studying it, they found that it is remarkably advanced, being able to hold up body weight, flex and help the person it was fitted to walk relatively normally.

It also let the ancient one-percenter daughter of a priest continue wearing flip-flops, demonstrating the world’s oldest recorded case of #firstworldproblems. (Technically, this would be a #newkingdomproblem, amiright?)

So, good news if you need to fake your own ransom for money, time-travelling Bunny Lebowski.