And if reason doesn’t sway you, the votes of 231 of our current U.S. Representatives should. Unless you want to be considered as smart as a Congressman.
So, why does the NRA want states to recognize the concealed carry permits of places like Missouri, where anyone can “constitutionally carry” concealed guns, with or without a permit? (Quick side question: how well does this go over in the non-backwater areas of Missouri, like St. Louis? I’m sure the police there are all about helping black people arm themselves with more than Skittles and cell phones.)
In 2019, Dan Snyder will have owned the Washington Redskins–and all the terrible decisions that organization has made–for 20 years. 20 years, people. People voted in the 2016 election who have never seen reasonably competent team ownership of the three-time NFL champions.
Of all the allegations about how Dan Snyder has dragged his favorite team to equal footing with the Cleveland Browns, none have accused him of understanding sarcasm. Satire, he certainly does not get after suing the Washington City Paper.
So, one enterprising fan tried to appeal to his Snydership with honey before pleading with him to make better decisions this year. Lifelong Redskins fan Matt Fraedrich thanked Mr. Snyder for being a true fan of the team before asking him to “please be very deliberate about the decisions that are made behind closed doors,” and, among other requests, “please give Kirk Cousins a long-term deal that makes him happy to be Redskin, even if that means making him the highest-paid player in NFL history.”
So, does Dan Snyder not get sarcasm, thinking this “fan” really wanted his autograph? Or is he its greatest practitioner? Like any truly great act of sarcasm, intentional or not, we don’t even know anymore.
Who among us hasn’t cried watching An American Tail? (It’s OK, the Internet can’t see you nodding.) Fievel Mousekewitz, a young mouse from Russia, emigrates to America to escape Cossack cats and ends up separated from his family in New York City. Of course it’s sad — because Fievel is an illegal immigrant carrying superbugs.
A study of mice throughout New York City reveals that Fievel’s great-great-great-great-great … (mouse generations are ridiculous) … great-grandchildren are carrying disease-causing bacteria, including a few antibiotic-resistant germs.
Three percent of the mice carried Salmonella bacteria, 14 percent carried disease-causing Shigella, 12 percent carried the food poisoning germ Clostridium perfringens, 4 percent carried enteropathogenic Escherichia coli and 4 percent carried Clostridium difficile, a notorious cause of often-fatal chronic diarrhea.
“Often-fatal chronic diarrhea.” Clearly, crying our lungs out at their songs wasn’t enough for these Trojan mice.
If you see signs of mice in your domicile, it is critical to take steps to either catch or kill them and clean up all possible surfaces with bleach to disinfect contagion due to urine and feces. And we have to act fast before these vermin go west.
The research team discovered this effect when studying high-level male athletes, who often take the highest doses of ibuprofen to treat and prevent muscle pain. This is especially bad news for The Guys, who are high-level drinking athletes — we already can’t take acetaminophen.
Is it possible that, after 20 years of TNT’s 24 hours of A Christmas Story, a musical, and a live televised performance that we’ve reached Peak Ralphie? According to startling numbers on eye injuries from a new study in the journal Pediatrics, we have to either hope so or we’ll raise an entire generation of cyclopi by 2020.
From 1990 to 2012, eye injuries to children from nonpowder guns — including official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifles (with a compass in the stock) — increased 168 percent. TNT’s all-day marathons started in 1997. And between just 2010 and 2012 alone, they increased by 500 percent; the musical premiered in 2009.
It’s clear that the rise of bad kids with airguns — and you know which ones are bad because of their eye patches and/or monocles — has nothing to do with the airguns themselves. This is about mental illness. If watching the same movie about a kid putting his parents through the wringer over a toy during the damn Depression isn’t insane, then what is?
For all the talk about how great the Roman Empire was — spanning most of Europe through Turkey and even parts of Africa, aqueducts, vomitoriums — it’s easy to forget that Rome is still a place. But, brother, have times been rough for the place that once all roads led to.
Somebody even launched a Twitter account for the tree in which Spelacchio (that’s its name now) neurotically compares itself to other city’s trees like an insecure boyfriend. (“What do you mean ‘gay apparel?’ Are you saying this tinsel makes me look gay?”)
In hindsight, maybe Rome was great, but maybe it would still have dignity had Hannibal leveled it with elephants.
SpaceX successfully delivered supplies with their Dragon spacecraft to the International Space Station. If that doesn’t give you an image of a dragon-hulled Viking ship in space, then its manifest will: it delivered supplies to test if we can brew beer in space. We’re about to go just a little more boldly — thanks to booze — where we haven’t gone before.
However, SeriouslyGuys is a little concerned. With Budweiser on the ISS, there’s a distinct lack of beer diversity in space. Contact your congressperson and ask for — nay, demand — microbrews in microgravity.
As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.
That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.
Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.
If you’re a lapsed Catholic who recently got dragged into Mass, you probably got thrown for a loop when you were the only one in the pew to say, “And also with you,” to your priest. Apparently, someone changed the response to “And with your spirit,” which makes no damn sense except as a gotcha. (John Mulaney knows what’s up … now.)
Instead of “Lead us not into temptation,” Pope Francis believes that “do not let us enter into temptation” is a better translation because apparently god does not present temptations. This is, we will remind everyone, the same god who gave us bacon, beer and motorcycle ramps.
Of course, the real hazard here isn’t just tricking Christmas-and-Easter Catholics. It’s the English language. The Pope speaks Spanish and got the new wording from France — romance countries where pretty much every sentence ends with similar sounds. (This is why Latin Music has its own Grammy’s — too easy to qualify.) So, while we’re certain the new words maintain a similar cadence in romance languages, in English, we just 11 pounds of holiness into an eight pound censer: 11 syllables into an eight syllable line.
But, if you end up tripping up communal prayer, at least take solace in knowing that some sinner is taking forever working through his penance after confession this week.