‘Not tonight, I had a headache’

Nothing prevents headaches like Advil.

We’ve always wondered when men would have pill-form birth control, and it looks like we always have. Research indicates that taking the daily maximum dose of ibuprofen may lower testosterone production, resulting in at least temporary infertility.

The research team discovered this effect when studying high-level male athletes, who often take the highest doses of ibuprofen to treat and prevent muscle pain. This is especially bad news for The Guys, who are high-level drinking athletes — we already can’t take acetaminophen.

Statistics: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid

B-E S-U-R-E T-O W-E-A-R Y-O-U-R E-Y-E P-R-O-T-E-C … tion. A crummy anti-gun PSA?

Is it possible that, after 20 years of TNT’s 24 hours of A Christmas Story, a musical, and a live televised performance that we’ve reached Peak Ralphie? According to startling numbers on eye injuries from a new study in the journal Pediatrics, we have to either hope so or we’ll raise an entire generation of cyclopi by 2020.

From 1990 to 2012, eye injuries to children from nonpowder guns — including official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifles (with a compass in the stock) — increased 168 percent. TNT’s all-day marathons started in 1997. And between just 2010 and 2012 alone, they increased by 500 percent; the musical premiered in 2009.

It’s clear that the rise of bad kids with airguns — and you know which ones are bad because of their eye patches and/or monocles — has nothing to do with the airguns themselves. This is about mental illness. If watching the same movie about a kid putting his parents through the wringer over a toy during the damn Depression isn’t insane, then what is?

Buon Natale, Carlo Brown!

In Spelacchio’s defense, we’ve heard that bald trees have more testosterone.

For all the talk about how great the Roman Empire was — spanning most of Europe through Turkey and even parts of Africa, aqueducts, vomitoriums — it’s easy to forget that Rome is still a place. But, brother, have times been rough for the place that once all roads led to.

The city of Rome paid $57,000 for a Christmas tree that is less evergreen and more Charlie Brown. It’s so scraggly that ashamed locals are referring to it as “spelacchio” (or “baldy and mangy”), “a plucked chicken” and — our favorite — “the toilet brush.”

Somebody even launched a Twitter account for the tree in which Spelacchio (that’s its name now) neurotically compares itself to other city’s trees like an insecure boyfriend. (“What do you mean ‘gay apparel?’ Are you saying this tinsel makes me look gay?”)

In hindsight, maybe Rome was great, but maybe it would still have dignity had Hannibal leveled it with elephants.

Amazon cuts off access to home circumcision kits

The Lifeform Home Circumcision Training Kit came with everything pictured here, including awkward gherkin caddies.

We’ve got bad news if you waited until the last-minute to order this year’s hottest stocking stuffer. Amazon pulled infant circumcision training kits off of the market after so-called “doctors” raised concerns about amateurs cutting off wieners.

So, if you’re not sure how to circumcise a baby, now you’ll have to crowd-source for tips.

Penis.

Home-brewing IPAs in LEO on the ISS

SpaceX successfully delivered supplies with their Dragon spacecraft to the International Space Station. If that doesn’t give you an image of a dragon-hulled Viking ship in space, then its manifest will: it delivered supplies to test if we can brew beer in space. We’re about to go just a little more boldly — thanks to booze — where we haven’t gone before.

Budweiser provided 20 barley seeds to see how they grow in microgravity. This is admittedly a few steps earlier than when The Guys start brewing. But, this is pretty important if we’re ever marooned on Mars.

“I’m getting tanked in a few weeks, Mission Control. How ’bout dem apples?”

However, SeriouslyGuys is a little concerned. With Budweiser on the ISS, there’s a distinct lack of beer diversity in space. Contact your congressperson and ask for — nay, demand — microbrews in microgravity.

The Guys’ War on Christmas: declassified

Our anti-Christmas symbol is an upside-down Holiday Tree in every store front after Halloween.

As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.

That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.

Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.

Howard still be his name, though

You can still maintain your godfather credentials by muttering your way through the new Lord’s Prayer.

If you’re a lapsed Catholic who recently got dragged into Mass, you probably got thrown for a loop when you were the only one in the pew to say, “And also with you,” to your priest. Apparently, someone changed the response to “And with your spirit,” which makes no damn sense except as a gotcha. (John Mulaney knows what’s up … now.)

Well, The Guys have your backs, cultural Catholics — if only to spite those judgy church marms at your next funeral. So, heads up: the Pope is changing the Catholic Pledge of Allegiance, the Lord’s Prayer (a.k.a. the “Our Father”).

Instead of “Lead us not into temptation,” Pope Francis believes that “do not let us enter into temptation” is a better translation because apparently god does not present temptations. This is, we will remind everyone, the same god who gave us bacon, beer and motorcycle ramps.

Of course, the real hazard here isn’t just tricking Christmas-and-Easter Catholics. It’s the English language. The Pope speaks Spanish and got the new wording from France — romance countries where pretty much every sentence ends with similar sounds. (This is why Latin Music has its own Grammy’s — too easy to qualify.) So, while we’re certain the new words maintain a similar cadence in romance languages, in English, we just 11 pounds of holiness into an eight pound censer: 11 syllables into an eight syllable line.

But, if you end up tripping up communal prayer, at least take solace in knowing that some sinner is taking forever working through his penance after confession this week.

Robots to pahk cahs in Hahvahd Yahd

“SWEET CAROLINE. BWAH. BWAH. BWAH. GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD … Error 404: rest of lyrics unintelligible.”

The Guys have been kind of banking on self-driving cars — we could use a designated driver who isn’t pregnant. But, we didn’t expect Boston to be the first city to have robot driving services. (Massachusetts didn’t even crack the Top Five drinking states, and one of them was a city.)  Nevertheless, Lyft and its partnered developer, nuTonomy, announced that they’ve started their self-driving pilot program in Bean Town.

Lyft has not yet disclosed how many robot cars will run per day, and they will only run short routes in the tech startup-heavy Seaport District. So, they’re only risking a few Segway and Hoverboard collisions and maybe, like, two drivers lost to marriage proposals. Which is smart, because we all know what could happen after the Sox lose a game.

Some exciting research about slee … *snoooooore*

Another example of why science needs to study “obvious” things: peeing on jellyfish stings is a terrible idea.

One of the more interesting aspects about the scientific process is that it cannot be based on commonly held or assumed wisdom. This leads to criticism of experiments and, by extension, the entire field of science when researchers test something we all assume we know. For example: calling fruit fly research a waste of government funding because we all know what fruit flies are, dontchaknow?

Which is why it seems strange to research sleep. You know, that thing we all hate when we’re young and elusively seek as we age. But, what’s sleep for, other than to chase bunnies or be Vikings?

The prevailing theory is that animals need sleep to basically recharge the brain. But, then that would mean that brainless animals, like jellyfish, wouldn’t need sleep. Except it turns out that they totally do, you guys.

In what could easily be the plot of an already-cancelled Real Genius TV series (you’re welcome, Netflix), three Caltech students snuck into the jellyfish lab after hours to settle a bet: whether jellyfish sleep. They observed sleep-like behavior in the jellyfish:

1.  They didn’t move much at a set time of night.
2. They were slow to react to stimulus in this state.
3. After being kept up all night by squirt torture (welcome to SeriouslyGuys, disappointed porn Googlers), they were clearly out of sorts and needed a deeper sleep the next night.

So, it turns out you don’t need a brain to need sleep. Which means that, while we still don’t know why we sleep, this does explain why certain relatives will be passed out on your couch this Thanksgiving.

Runner’s runs defiling neighborhood

After multiple mid-run runs, it might be time to invest in brown shorts.

Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.

Multiple eyewitnesses in a Colorado Springs neighborhood have caught an unidentified runner mid-trots (in both meanings) on their front yards, back yards and even on a Walgreen’s. The runner has used the same lawn multiple times and even comes equipped with napkins to wipe afterwards.

So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.

The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).