Laser beams don’t kill people. Sharks kill people.
Posted on May 3, 2012
Filed Under Picture of the Day, War on Animals | 1 Comment |
The henchmen said it couldn’t be done, but they were wrong. Science has finally perfected the shark with a frickin’ laser beam.
Marine biologist and Shark Week regular, Luke Tipple, figured out where Evil Industries had repeatedly gone wrong. Instead of attaching the laser to the head, he hooked it up to the dorsal fin. Tipple says he did it to test his new non-evasive underwater clip, which makes sense if you’re looking to upgrade sharks with lasers to sharks with bazookas or hammerheads with actual hammers on their heads.
Tipple says that the laser is harmless. You know, like how a laser sight doesn’t kill on sniper rifles. Perfectly safe.
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: I’ll miss you, Huntsville
Posted on May 2, 2012
Filed Under Alabama is Trying to Kill Me, Take it from Snee | Leave a Comment |
Well, this is officially my last Take it from Snee as a Huntsville, Alabama resident. On Friday, I return to Northern Virginia, from whence I came, with a new job.
I’ve ragged a lot on Huntsville my years here, from her lack of a decent rock radio station to her jarringly loud tornado sirens (the latter proving to be entirely necessary). And let’s not forget her attempts to make me fat or give me STDs with her drive-through sex toy shops. But, that doesn’t mean I haven’t loved her and the people here. Believe you me, once I’m back in NoVa, you’ll hear plenty about that region that just thinks it’s DC.
No, I do not come to bury Huntsville, but to give it to her one last time. Lovingly. Read more
Written by Rick SneeA box of red wine a day keeps the aging away
Posted on May 2, 2012
Filed Under Booze News, It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
If there’s one thing that The Guys have always advocated, it’s that drinking is good for you. And we don’t mean drinking in that eight glasses of water a day vein of thought. No, our veins are meant to be leaded, and the latest research confirms that a red wine BAC is a-OK.
Red wine contains resveratrol, a chemical that was tested on lab mice in a study just published in the May issue of Cell Metabolism. Only mice with the gene SIRT1 received benefits from resveratrol. In moderate amounts, the resveratrol targets SIRT1, and in heavier doses, will improve other areas as well, improving the health of mice with high-fat diets and increasing their life span.
Just how much resveratrol? “The amounts [of wine] we gave to our mice would be like drinking 100 glasses of red wine a day,” said Dr. David Sinclair of Harvard Medical School. [Emphasis ours.]
Well, there you go. Tap a box of your favorite vintage and get drinking to your health.
Written by Rick SneeRooting out snake suicide bombers
Posted on May 1, 2012
Filed Under KAPLOOIE!, War on Animals | 1 Comment |
We’ve been fighting this War on Animals for so long that we can’t even remember if we’ve warned you about snake suicide bombers. We’ll err on the side of caution and say we told you so, anyway.
The Florida Everglades are so overgrown that pythons have turned it into their own veritable pit. Partly because of irresponsible species traitors who drop them off shortly after bringing them to the U.S. — and partly due to an exotic snake warehouse destroyed by Hurricane Andrew in 1992 — the enemy has dug into the wild, untamed region where even our armed forces can barely reach them.
And now, they’re planning to bomb us. Otherwise, why would officials fighting the good fight enlist bomb-sniffing dogs to find them?
Written by Rick SneeThe Guys in Moms
Posted on April 30, 2012
Filed Under Booze News, The Guys in Moms | 1 Comment |
Mother’s Day is coming up, so The Guys thought we’d dedicate an entry to the ongoing concerns of moms in our sensitively-titled series: The Guys in Moms.
If you’ve been wanting to stick a pacifier in your infant, but have been told not as this could discourage your infant from breastfeeding, researchers have good news: pacifier-use may not contribute to nipple confusion. Despite curbing pacifier use in neonatal facilities, nursing went down when compared to numbers during the freewheeling pacifier days. However, cutting oral fixations out of your baby’s diet also does not curb their smoking.
And, for moms of teenagers: some other mom has assembled a handy list of things for your teen to drink. Print a copy and post it on the fridge to keep your kids from dipping into your personal beer supply.
Written by Rick SneeHollandazed and confused no longer
Posted on April 27, 2012
Filed Under Facepalm | Leave a Comment |
Hey, pot smokers. While we appreciate your readership over the years (assuming you arrived here by mistakenly typing “Seriously guys, can I overdose on weed?” in your Google search), it appears that the Dutch have had enough of your s@%t.
A judge has upheld a proposed government ban on selling marijuana to non-Dutch citizens in their world-famous coffee bars. The government is hoping to clean up their reputation for catering to “drug tourists,” believing that this could bring back the kind of nice, clean-cut tourists that visit for Amsterdam’s Red Light District.
On the plus side, this should reduce the decibels of stoned conversation in the Van Gogh museum.
Written by Rick SneeCalling a tiny shovel ‘a tiny shovel’
Posted on April 25, 2012
Filed Under Too Soon?, War on Animals | 1 Comment |
Sure, that hive of partially Africanized honeybees in Tennessee was destroyed (and became the working title of our first children’s book). But, that doesn’t mean the threat is over. In other parts of the world, there’s a menace nobody likes to talk about, probably because it sounds a little racist: Africanized elephants.
Well, we can’t keep silent anymore. A zookeeper died trying to keep this secret. She was killed by Mila, a 39-year-old Africanized elephant.
If you’re not worried because you don’t live in New Zealand, you should be. That’s not to say you’re in grave danger here in non-hobbit country. Just make sure to wash your Gala apples to remove any elephant eggs before eating.
Written by Rick SneeYou get one free maiming like your driving test, right?
Posted on April 24, 2012
Filed Under Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia | Leave a Comment |
Speaking of women getting shot in the legs, another one took a bullet at — of all places — a gun safety course in Virginia. The instructor told police that he had just left the room when he heard a gunshot. One of the students had shot his wife in the leg, but made it look more like an accident by sending the bullet through his own leg first.
It appears that gun owners are taking the open War on Women a little too seriously. If only women would learn that we’re like mama bears, and you don’t get between us and our ammo cubs.
Written by Rick SneeHe went to Amsterdam, and all I got was this lousy computer virus
Posted on April 20, 2012
Filed Under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Sex Sells | 1 Comment |
For those of you who have been eagerly awaiting to have sex with a robot, there is now a projected date to mark on your calendar: 2050. That’s according to two Victoria University researchers, “Management professor Ian Yeoman, a futurist with an interest in tourism, and sexologist Michelle Mars.”
The two published a paper in the journal Futures, “Robots, Men And Sex Tourism,” in which they theorize a sex club in Amsterdam named Yub-Yum will offer up flawless android prostitutes to Red Light District tourists. Moreover, they believe that the 10,000 Euro encounters will be guilt- and disease-free as the customers have technically not cheated on their real-life partners and the machines will be routinely hosed down and made of a bacteria-resistant material.
What has not been accounted for is when the androids are retired after years of unspeakable service. That’s where The Guys’ moonlighting services as futurists come in: Blade Runner Camp. (Patent: us.)
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 3)
Posted on April 18, 2012
Filed Under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.
The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Maybe you’ve seen it in your tour through Ron Paul’s breast pocket?
To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.
Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. Previous installments covered the executive and legislative branches. This week, we wrap the whole shebang up with the judicial branch. Read more
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