After two weeks, I’m proud to announce that the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia has really taken off. Already, 70 heroes have pledged to defend the entire Second Amendment, unlike the NRA and similar groups.
Which brings us to our first order of business: our name. Personally, I love the name, but it’s a little … how do you say? Long. It’s time to shorten that puppy down into one intimidating abbreviation. After much deliberation and some Harry Potter-inspired nominations, the group’s press name shall be RAM. (The “Snee” is silent.)
Not only is RAM shorter, but it bears double significance as an acronym that lets the nation know that our movement is a ram, beating at the gates of fear-mongering by those who would disarm us. At least until they pour hot oil on us (the use of which we also advocate).
Next up: what issues shall we tackle? After much brainstorming at my think tank (me, Johnny, Jack, Jim and Jose), I’ve realized there’s one thing I hate more than anything else: terrorism. Yes–not to risk going against the grain, but–I hate terrorists, terror and terrifying things in general unless I’m the terrible one.
If it weren’t for terrorists, we wouldn’t have to stand in lines at the airport. Lines to give them our baggage, lines to get in the terminal, lines to sit down and put our shoes back on, lines for random body cavity searches (would they just search me already?!). Lines and terrorism have to go.
And so my collegues and I have devised a plan.
Everyone knows that most violent crimes could be prevented if more people were armed. It is a proven fact that armed crime rates could hypothetically go down if there might be more weapons in the streets, potentially maybe. That’s right: I’m not afraid to use facts.
It’s time for action, and that is why we will lobby the FAA to permit all passengers to carry their constitutionally-protected arms on aircraft. No searches equals no lines. And if all passengers are armed, then terrorists will never be able to carry their weapons on board, thanks to terror. Bingo, terrorism solved. You’re welcome. Our aircraft will become the safest in the world, other than Quantas.
This plan doesn’t just apply to aircraft. Believe it or not, there’s domestic crime, too. The sure-fire way to prevent Americans from maiming each other with weapons is to guarantee their right to carry as many weapons as they want. Could bank robberies happen if anyone could walk in with a gun? Absolutely not. What about at public schools where weapons could be traded like sack lunches? Not on your life. Why live our lives with coulds when we should be living with shoulds?
Terrorism can only be prevented with more terror; armed crime can only be prevented with more arms. And those are arms that the Second Amendment and RAM will fight for.