Minty-fresh, gonorrhea-free

I mean, your mouth was full already.

As mentioned earlier, we’re about three months deep in the official holiday season, which means peppermint-flavored everything that goes in your mouth. And now, we really mean everything, because Listerine could help prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs) of antibiotic-resistant bacterial gonorrhea.

Not only does Listerine kill bacterial gonorrhea in culture dishes, but when gargled by 196 men being treated for gonorrheal throat infections, 80 percent of those men were gonorrhea-free five minutes later.

So, it looks like we’ll be putting out a peppermint stick for Ol’ Saint Nick when he’s coming down our chimney now.

(Apologies to Andy Williams, but … you know what? No. Andy got that song stuck in our heads and now we’re ruining it with Aquafresh-flavored dick. Deal with it.)

Who mourns for Philip Morris?

Buck up, cowpoke. We'll save your job yet.
Buck up, cowpoke. We’ll save your job yet.

As The Guys wind down Movember (two participating, one waiting for this to all blow over so we can focus on his anti-cancer bar crawl in March), we turn our gaze onto the unsung heroes of cancer fundraising: cigarette companies.

If it weren’t for corporations like Philip Morris producing a known carcinogen and attempting to first cover up and then downplay the cancer and other health conditions they cause, what would we be growing mustaches or running laps around a high school gym for? And have we ever thanked them? No. Instead, we’re forcing them to change their packaging and hurting their sales.

Well, we hope you’re happy, because now Philip Morris has to find a new product to sell. One idea is to go into vaping, but that’s already got a bad taste to it — both literally and by people who vape. We owe some new ideas to Philip Morris — something that is both needed and fits in their wheelhouse. We suggest the following to save our butts:

  • Tracheotomy Rings: Smokers are so dedicated to Philip Morris’ products that they burned a new smoking hole into their throats. If that’s not a literal niche for tobacco companies to fill, than what is?
  • Fancy Coffee: Dunkin Donuts already recovered from everyone quitting donuts by transitioning into coffee shops. If basic people are already addicted to pumpkin spice, imagine how many lattes Philip Morris will sell with a double-pump of nicotine?
  • Cuban Cigars: Nobody knows what’ll happen with the opened Cuban embargo now that Trump is the President-elect and Fidel Castro is dead. Unless Philip Morris, an American corporation, buys out the Cuban cigar market. The cigars will be trendy, and the tobacco lobby beats the old Miami Cuban lobby every time.

*Now* your childhood is under attack

More like Crystal Pepsi Cola-ra! (No, seriously, even David Novak, the inventor of Crystal Pepsi, said that it wasn't very good.)
More like Crystal Pepsi Cola-ra! (No, seriously — even David Novak, the inventor of Crystal Pepsi, said that it wasn’t very good.)

We may be The Guys, but, even as guys, we’ll give the new Ghostbusters movie the fair shake it got from Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd … once our check clears in an amount commensurate to our worth compared to Murray and Aykroyd. (So, about a case of Ecto-Coolers.) Until we see the movie, we’ll hold off accusing Kristen Wiig of killing our childhood.

Or, we can refocus that ire at a company that’s actually trying to weaponize nostalgia: Pepsi. Not only does Pepsi plan to re-release everyone’s I Love the ’90s punchline, Crystal Pepsi, but they’re also launching a terrible Oregon Trail clone around it:

The goal of the video game, dubbed “The Crystal Pepsi Trail,” is to “collect as many 90s items along the trail as you can with your dawgs,” according to a developmental version of the game given to Ad Age.

Instead of hunting buffalo and doing your best to avoid dysentery, players of the remade game will seek out items of pop culture from yesteryear including pagers, bucket hats and Tamagotchi.

Yes, the opening shots on your childhood have been fired. Right now. It’s what’s happening right now. Right now. Riiiiiiight now. What are you waiting for?

Signs of the intellectual apocalypse appear in pairs

If you see this on someone's head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.
If you see this on someone’s head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.

Friends of the site know that The Guys all met at Radford University, a school you’ve never heard of unless you went there, knew someone who stole a cop car during QuadFest or heard that Donald Trump would be speaking there today.

That last development had a lot of alumni on edge … until we found out that many Highlanders stepped up and disrupted Trump’s “speech” every few minutes. (The idea of students shouting down political speech might disturb some of you, but they did not interrupt anything of substance. For instance, the proposition that not only will the Mexicans build our southern border wall for us, but that it will be “1,000 miles” long and “even higher than China’s.”)

Civil disobedience aside, the Real Story in that link is what Trump supporters said to the media and wore:

‘I don’t need a politician to have perfect hair, I need him to have balls,’ said Tamara Neo, the former Buchanan County commonwealth’s attorney.


‘Fire the Idiots, Help the Vets’ read the front of one popular T-shirt. On the back, ‘DONALD TRUMP: FINALLY SOMEONE WITH BALLS.’

[Emphasis ours.]

It’s official: Donald Trump is the TruckNutz™ of presidential candidates.

It’s not on your TV; it’s HBO

Look, Bill Maher's smugness doesn't pay for itself, OK? Take one for the team and pay for an HBO Now subscription already.
Look, Bill Maher’s smugness doesn’t pay for itself, OK? Take one for the team and pay for an HBO Now subscription already.

Well, HBO finally noticed that everyone’s either jumping into and out of their HBO Now streaming service between Game of Thrones seasons or sharing accounts. How? Because there are only 800,000 accounts. Whoops.

So, like Hillary Clinton asking for a dollar from all of her supporters who don’t work for Citibank, the non-HBO-subscribing Game of Thrones viewers need a few more people to subscribe year-round to HBO Now. Or they’ll pull the plug. Or worse: include ads.

The Guys would do it ourselves, but, as much as we like John Oliver, we just can’t pay to watch the same four movies every eight hours (plus two hours of the softest of softcore pornography).

But, you, you should totally do it. And then give us your password.

Chipotle jumps onto Less-than-super Monday hangover grenade

Chipotle knows that there's no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.
Chipotle knows that there’s no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.

Despite more people worldwide (over)celebrating the Super Bowl than Christmas, the federal government and your boss refuse to recognize it as a national holiday. One-quarter drink to cheer the thrill of victory; one-quarter to drown the agony of defeat; one-quarter to endure the half-time show; and one-quarter because football. So, everyone knows why you’re calling in sick on Less-than-super Monday, and it reflects on you poorly as a person, even though nearly everyone else is at least a little hungover the day after the Super Bowl.

And that’s Chipotle’s opening to win you back — even though, c’mon, the only people who stopped eating there weren’t allowed to check out of the ICU for food poisoning. They’ll take $50 off 1,500 catering orders they receive for Super Bowl parties.

So, when your supervisor gets all judgy when you call in the next day, tell ’em it’s not a hangover; it’s Chipotle.

McDonald’s breakfast — stuff of legends — available all day!

The crop-circles of breakfast food will now be available all day at select McDonald's locations.
The crop-circles of breakfast “food” will now be available all day at select McDonald’s locations.

Everybody! McDonald’s launches all-day breakfast items tomorrow! Finally, we can get whatever a McGriddle is after 10 a.m.

Of course, none of us have ever actually eaten McDonald’s breakfast. We’ve either always woken up too late or would rather eat actual g*ddamn food for breakfast when we do.

But, hey, we’re sure that, even if the meat in their burgers is questionable, it’s impossible to fake foamy, perfectly round yellow coasters and call them eggs, right?

The most important beer of the day

HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.
HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.

America was founded by prudes, sure, but they were beer-drinking prudes, so what the hell happened to drinking booze with breakfast? The company that brought you weird feelings about Mary Lou Retton with your first cup of coffee plans to bring back the meal that has fueled headhunters and pyramid-builders alike: breakfast beer.

General Mills and the Fulton brewery have joined forces to produce HefeWheaties — a slight variation on the hefeweizen, a German beer recipe that is 50 percent made from fermented wheat — that combines marketing forces with the breakfast of champions: little chocolate donuts Wheaties.

Neither company has announced whether they will feature famous sports figures on the cans, but The Guys’ vote is for John Daly and Bob Ueker.

A peep into our future dairy addiction

Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that's why.
Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that’s why.

Not satisfied with ruining Easter, Halloween and the good name of the marshmallow, Peeps has now turned its sights onto the very opposite of sugar-frosted disgustingness: milk.

Peeps has partnered with Prairie Farms to develop Peeps-flavored milk. The companies plan to destroy any nutritional benefit to bone density and muscle development in three flavors: Marshmallow Milk, Chocolate Marshmallow Milk, and Easter Egg Nog. The milky-sugar delivery system will contain over three times more sugar than whole milk, “clocking in at 37 grams per cup,” and twice as much sodium — “320 mg per cup compared to 120 mg for a cup of the brand’s whole milk.”

A serving of whole milk contains 11 grams of sugar. For comparison, a 12-oz. bottle of Coca-Cola contains 39 grams of sugar.

So, congratulations, Peeps. You’ve brought a popular milk manufacturer over to the fat side and made millions of dentists across America very profitable.

For the worker who can’t find new ways to demean themselves

Your move, people sitting on ab balls.
Your move, people sitting on ab balls.

Do you ever worry that you haven’t sacrificed enough at work? To date, the average American office worker has forsaken

  • Salaries that rise to match inflation and higher costs of living.
  • Pensions.
  • Evenings and weekends free from phone call and emails.
  • Offices.
  • All physical activity.

But, what if we told you that you could get back that last item — physical activity — and all you’d have to trade is in the only thing you have left: dignity?

Introducing: the Hamster Wheel Standing Desk. It’s a hamster wheel that you stand in while working at your standing desk. (Cedar chips that eliminate loss of productivity due to leaving your desk to go to the restroom sold separately.)