Category: A Word from Our Sponsors

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Booze News

The most important beer of the day

HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.
HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.

America was founded by prudes, sure, but they were beer-drinking prudes, so what the hell happened to drinking booze with breakfast? The company that brought you weird feelings about Mary Lou Retton with your first cup of coffee plans to bring back the meal that has fueled headhunters and pyramid-builders alike: breakfast beer.

General Mills and the Fulton brewery have joined forces to produce HefeWheaties — a slight variation on the hefeweizen, a German beer recipe that is 50 percent made from fermented wheat — that combines marketing forces with the breakfast of champions: little chocolate donuts Wheaties.

Neither company has announced whether they will feature famous sports figures on the cans, but The Guys’ vote is for John Daly and Bob Ueker.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

A peep into our future dairy addiction

Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that's why.
Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that’s why.

Not satisfied with ruining Easter, Halloween and the good name of the marshmallow, Peeps has now turned its sights onto the very opposite of sugar-frosted disgustingness: milk.

Peeps has partnered with Prairie Farms to develop Peeps-flavored milk. The companies plan to destroy any nutritional benefit to bone density and muscle development in three flavors: Marshmallow Milk, Chocolate Marshmallow Milk, and Easter Egg Nog. The milky-sugar delivery system will contain over three times more sugar than whole milk, “clocking in at 37 grams per cup,” and twice as much sodium — “320 mg per cup compared to 120 mg for a cup of the brand’s whole milk.”

A serving of whole milk contains 11 grams of sugar. For comparison, a 12-oz. bottle of Coca-Cola contains 39 grams of sugar.

So, congratulations, Peeps. You’ve brought a popular milk manufacturer over to the fat side and made millions of dentists across America very profitable.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Facepalm

For the worker who can’t find new ways to demean themselves

Your move, people sitting on ab balls.
Your move, people sitting on ab balls.

Do you ever worry that you haven’t sacrificed enough at work? To date, the average American office worker has forsaken

  • Salaries that rise to match inflation and higher costs of living.
  • Pensions.
  • Evenings and weekends free from phone call and emails.
  • Offices.
  • All physical activity.

But, what if we told you that you could get back that last item — physical activity — and all you’d have to trade is in the only thing you have left: dignity?

Introducing: the Hamster Wheel Standing Desk. It’s a hamster wheel that you stand in while working at your standing desk. (Cedar chips that eliminate loss of productivity due to leaving your desk to go to the restroom sold separately.)

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

I’ve got a bloated ticket!

Olive Garden would have gone full Wonka and printed winning tickets on the bottom of random "bottomless" bowls, but then all the winners would look like the guy punished for gluttony in Se7en.
Olive Garden would have gone full Wonka and printed winning tickets on the bottom of random “bottomless” bowls, but then all the winners would look like the guy punished for gluttony in Se7en.

In less than three hours, you may be one of 1000 lucky souls to buy seven weeks of all-you-can-eat pasta for just $99. Sounds too good to be true? That’s because it’s unlimited Olive Garden food. [Cue audio of Satan cackling.]

The rest of us unlucky remainders will only be able to eat from the Neverending Pasta Trough for $10 a pop.

So if you love pasta, but not enough to find pasta that doesn’t give you the runs, go to Olive Garden’s web site to try your luck against the hordes of others on a seven-week dietary cheat.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, It Must Be Science!

Popping advertisers’ dreams

Marketers have already developed a counter to the popcorn anti-advertising problem: terrifying commercials.
Marketers have already developed a counter to the popcorn anti-advertising problem: terrifying commercials.

Are you tired of being bossed around by commercials? Don’t you wish you didn’t have to switch beer brands just because an ad made you horny or laugh? Now there’s a way to mindlessly watch commercials without losing self-control and consumer choice: popcorn.

A recent set of experiments indicates that, when exposed to a new product name in advertising, we simulate its pronunciation with our mouths. Unless our yaps are full of popcorn. Then we’re unable to remember it later, which means we just spent the past 30 seconds chomping, chewing, unproductively tonguing at bits of corn skin between our teeth and simply watching the bright, shiny colors pass before us, undigested (just like the un-popped kernels).

So, be clever while looking like a cow: buy Orville Reddenbacher’s new Ad-Blocker Popping Kernals today.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

In defense of Lululemon’s sheer yoga pants

This would never happen in Lululemon yoga pants. Jus' saying.
This would never happen in Lululemon yoga pants. Jus’ saying.

Things are not looking good for yoga pants manufacturer Lululemon. The company is now facing a combined lawsuit that accuses them of deliberately concealing that their women’s black yoga pants become nearly sheer when worn, due to the fibers being stretched by — as termed in yoga studios — dat ass.

Lululemon’s allegedly concealed the design flaw until they finally had to recall the pants and their CEO, Christine Day, resigned, triggering a sudden, unexpected 17.5 percent drop (valued at $1.62 billion) in their stock in a single day. This hit the Louisiana Sheriffs’ Pension & Relief Fund hard since they own about $1.3 million in Lululemon stock.

So, to help a Louisiana Sheriff retire, The Guys have volunteered to make sheer yoga pants a thing. Sure, it means showing your ass to the world, but isn’t it worth not stewing in your own farts?

It'd make his day if you'd just wear the shear yoga pants.
It’d make his day if you’d just wear the sheer yoga pants.

Think about it.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Headline of the Day, Sex Sells

‘Oh. Bab-ee. I. Am. Burn. Ing. Up.’

.@DickieV I'm on fire! #NBAJam #rememberthat?
.@DickieV I’m on fire! #NBAJam #rememberthat?

The International Business Times asks the question that you and Nest’s copy writer want the answer to: can smoke detectors be made sexy?

Of course, that’s just a premise for writing about chic-gadget lab Nest and their plans to do what they did to thermostats and do it to smoke detectors. And if you haven’t seen a Nest thermostat, let us tell you: these aren’t the ones your dad used to screw in the garage.

So, what does this makeover entail? Nobody knows. There’s been a press release that this is what Nest plans to do next, but without any details. Will there be a iPod-like design? Maybe. Can you get updates from it to your phone? Probably. Will it smoke cigarettes to set itself off every so often, letting you feel like it was worth spending more than $15 on a designer smoke alarm? It’d better.

We just hope it live-tweets when it goes off, but in a funny way so that it wins you new followers. That should cover the costs of rebuilding and buying a new home.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

Chobani helps you puke

Chobani: for cultured breakfasters.
Chobani: for cultured breakfasters.

It seemed like America couldn’t get enough Greek yogurt. And why not? It’s low fat, and it provides the stomach bacteria you need to make you go. You know, go … Poop. It makes you poop. There, are you happy, loyal fourth grade readers?

But their new flavor, mold, has been accused of allegedly sickening 89 people, some of them experiencing nausea and cramps.

So, if your goal is to eat a healthy, protein-rich breakfast and lose weight, you’d better act fast. Chobani has already pulled 95 percent of their tainted products from grocery store shelves.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: We all kind of suck

Oh great. Now I can't wear that tank top anymore because you got freckle sweat all over it.
Dove thinks you’re pretty. Pretty ashy! (Buy Dove skin moisturizing lotion and lube up those ugly spots.)

A recent campaign by Dove, a soap company, told us that women have low self-esteem and are all much more beautiful than they think. (Also: just because you’re pretty doesn’t mean you don’t stink, so buy some body wash.)

In a video that was shared by everyone with more estrogen than R. Lee Ermey, Dove cast an actor to play a sketch artist (the police kind, not your friend who’s really into improv) who draws Holywood-ugly — normal-looking — women based first on descriptions of themselves, and then based on how another actor was scripted to see them.

In the end, it turned out that, when women described themselves, the sketch turned out awful. (Way to go, something else that’s your fault, uggo.) When a complete stranger was very polite in case the man was married to the woman he’s asking about, the sketch turned out a-iight. Certainly not as great as when you mail your photo into that SkyMall artist who turns it into a sketch.

And, of course, women decided they were wrong about how they looked and opted for the prettier picture that could have been influenced by just about anything in the room at the time of the interview. (“She, uh … she looked like a chair.”)

Does that sound cynical? There’s a good reason for that: science! Continue reading

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Wait ... What?!, War on Animals

And yet they can’t change ‘The Other White Meat?’

If you didn’t know, the pork industry isn’t doing so hot right now. Granted, it’s not in horrible shape, but even with the scares that plagued the beef/horse/guinea pig/unknown beef paste industry, it’s still not doing fantastically. And so, in order to raise pork sales, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program did what any other multi-billion dollar industry does when faced with slumping sales.

They renamed the same exact products to sell at the same price. Some examples include:

  • Pork chops are now ribeye chops. Logic: How much for a rib? (Link NSFW)
  • Pork butt is now Boston roast. Logic: Boston is full of a-holes.
  • A beef under blade boneless steak will now become a Denver steak. Logic: At least it’s not Rocky Mountain Oysters.