Category: A Word from Our Sponsors

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, It Must Be Science!

Popping advertisers’ dreams

Marketers have already developed a counter to the popcorn anti-advertising problem: terrifying commercials.
Marketers have already developed a counter to the popcorn anti-advertising problem: terrifying commercials.

Are you tired of being bossed around by commercials? Don’t you wish you didn’t have to switch beer brands just because an ad made you horny or laugh? Now there’s a way to mindlessly watch commercials without losing self-control and consumer choice: popcorn.

A recent set of experiments indicates that, when exposed to a new product name in advertising, we simulate its pronunciation with our mouths. Unless our yaps are full of popcorn. Then we’re unable to remember it later, which means we just spent the past 30 seconds chomping, chewing, unproductively tonguing at bits of corn skin between our teeth and simply watching the bright, shiny colors pass before us, undigested (just like the un-popped kernels).

So, be clever while looking like a cow: buy Orville Reddenbacher’s new Ad-Blocker Popping Kernals today.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors

In defense of Lululemon’s sheer yoga pants

This would never happen in Lululemon yoga pants. Jus' saying.
This would never happen in Lululemon yoga pants. Jus’ saying.

Things are not looking good for yoga pants manufacturer Lululemon. The company is now facing a combined lawsuit that accuses them of deliberately concealing that their women’s black yoga pants become nearly sheer when worn, due to the fibers being stretched by — as termed in yoga studios — dat ass.

Lululemon’s allegedly concealed the design flaw until they finally had to recall the pants and their CEO, Christine Day, resigned, triggering a sudden, unexpected 17.5 percent drop (valued at $1.62 billion) in their stock in a single day. This hit the Louisiana Sheriffs’ Pension & Relief Fund hard since they own about $1.3 million in Lululemon stock.

So, to help a Louisiana Sheriff retire, The Guys have volunteered to make sheer yoga pants a thing. Sure, it means showing your ass to the world, but isn’t it worth not stewing in your own farts?

It'd make his day if you'd just wear the shear yoga pants.
It’d make his day if you’d just wear the sheer yoga pants.

Think about it.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, Headline of the Day, Sex Sells

‘Oh. Bab-ee. I. Am. Burn. Ing. Up.’

.@DickieV I'm on fire! #NBAJam #rememberthat?
.@DickieV I’m on fire! #NBAJam #rememberthat?

The International Business Times asks the question that you and Nest’s copy writer want the answer to: can smoke detectors be made sexy?

Of course, that’s just a premise for writing about chic-gadget lab Nest and their plans to do what they did to thermostats and do it to smoke detectors. And if you haven’t seen a Nest thermostat, let us tell you: these aren’t the ones your dad used to screw in the garage.

So, what does this makeover entail? Nobody knows. There’s been a press release that this is what Nest plans to do next, but without any details. Will there be a iPod-like design? Maybe. Can you get updates from it to your phone? Probably. Will it smoke cigarettes to set itself off every so often, letting you feel like it was worth spending more than $15 on a designer smoke alarm? It’d better.

We just hope it live-tweets when it goes off, but in a funny way so that it wins you new followers. That should cover the costs of rebuilding and buying a new home.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors

Chobani helps you puke

Chobani: for cultured breakfasters.
Chobani: for cultured breakfasters.

It seemed like America couldn’t get enough Greek yogurt. And why not? It’s low fat, and it provides the stomach bacteria you need to make you go. You know, go … Poop. It makes you poop. There, are you happy, loyal fourth grade readers?

But their new flavor, mold, has been accused of allegedly sickening 89 people, some of them experiencing nausea and cramps.

So, if your goal is to eat a healthy, protein-rich breakfast and lose weight, you’d better act fast. Chobani has already pulled 95 percent of their tainted products from grocery store shelves.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: We all kind of suck

Oh great. Now I can't wear that tank top anymore because you got freckle sweat all over it.
Dove thinks you’re pretty. Pretty ashy! (Buy Dove skin moisturizing lotion and lube up those ugly spots.)

A recent campaign by Dove, a soap company, told us that women have low self-esteem and are all much more beautiful than they think. (Also: just because you’re pretty doesn’t mean you don’t stink, so buy some body wash.)

In a video that was shared by everyone with more estrogen than R. Lee Ermey, Dove cast an actor to play a sketch artist (the police kind, not your friend who’s really into improv) who draws Holywood-ugly — normal-looking — women based first on descriptions of themselves, and then based on how another actor was scripted to see them.

In the end, it turned out that, when women described themselves, the sketch turned out awful. (Way to go, something else that’s your fault, uggo.) When a complete stranger was very polite in case the man was married to the woman he’s asking about, the sketch turned out a-iight. Certainly not as great as when you mail your photo into that SkyMall artist who turns it into a sketch.

And, of course, women decided they were wrong about how they looked and opted for the prettier picture that could have been influenced by just about anything in the room at the time of the interview. (“She, uh … she looked like a chair.”)

Does that sound cynical? There’s a good reason for that: science! Continue reading

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Wait ... What?!, War on Animals

And yet they can’t change ‘The Other White Meat?’

If you didn’t know, the pork industry isn’t doing so hot right now. Granted, it’s not in horrible shape, but even with the scares that plagued the beef/horse/guinea pig/unknown beef paste industry, it’s still not doing fantastically. And so, in order to raise pork sales, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program did what any other multi-billion dollar industry does when faced with slumping sales.

They renamed the same exact products to sell at the same price. Some examples include:

  • Pork chops are now ribeye chops. Logic: How much for a rib? (Link NSFW)
  • Pork butt is now Boston roast. Logic: Boston is full of a-holes.
  • A beef under blade boneless steak will now become a Denver steak. Logic: At least it’s not Rocky Mountain Oysters.
| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, Booze News

Denny’s finally validating title of ‘destination wedding’

It took them just over four months, but last night, Denny’s finally closed the deal. That’s right, a wedding at their exclusive downtown Las Vegas restaurant happened. The lucky couple was treated to a “Pancake Puppies” cake and “Grand Slamosas.” Also, diabetes.

Remember, what felt like nearly a lifetime of planning can soon be over in just a few hours thanks to annulments and careful thinking.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors

Trim off the pounds with Special K’s new special ingredient

Kellogg's new Special K with Shards of Broken Glass made Liam Neeson the action star he is today.
Kellogg’s new Special K with Shards of Broken Glass made Liam Neeson the action star he is today. (Those glass blades pop out of his hands, Wolverine-style.)

When it comes to breakfast cereal, Special K doesn’t seem like anything special. It’s lightly toasted wheat and rice flakes, which makes it nigh indistinguishable from every other non-marshmallow-enhanced, flake-based human fish food in the breakfast aisle.

So, it makes sense that the Kellogg Company would change things up a bit by adding red berries and shards of broken glass.

The Guys aren’t sure what’s happening on Kellogg’s production floor, but we’re betting they don’t call it Battle Creek, Michigan, for nothing.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, Sex Sells

Dubai landsharks excited about sexy new alias

Nothing says "discrete" like deploying a delivery team to your door.
Nothing says “discreet” like deploying a delivery team to your door.

Durex, the Pepsi of condoms, has a plan to directly compete with the Trojan Man: by actually delivering prophylactics to your door, not just pretending like in Trojan ads. They’ve launched a delivery service in Dubai, where it’s easy to get laid but hard to buy condoms because of the rest of the United Arab Emirates’ conservative culture.

An app called SOS Condoms transmits your GPS location to the delivery service, which a “discreet and professional delivery team” uses to deliver a dozen condoms between 4 pm and 4 am for $15 anywhere in Dubai. Those who prefer to make love during the day, however, will be punished with babies and VD.

And if you’re jealous of Dubai and their Durex deliveries, nominate your city today to become the next SOS Condom recipients!

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, It Must Be Science!

Sodapressing

Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.
Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.

A recent National Institutes of Health study found a correlation between rates of depression and drinking sweetened regular and diet sodas, fruit punch and sweetened iced tea.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that soda causes depression; depressed people may just be more likely to pop a can.

But, what’s interesting are the relative levels of depression among the tested beverages. People who drank diet soda were 30 percent more likely to be depressed, while regular soda drinkers only had a 22 percent risk. Fruit punch drinkers, however, were 38 percent more depressed than their non-fruit punch drinking peers.

But, the most depressing statistic? People who drank diet fruit punch were 51 percent more likely to be depressed than anyone else. The lesson here? Diet fruit punch — or diet fruit punch drinkers — is more depressing than a Sarah McLachlan and Sally Struthers duet.