Category: A Word from Our Sponsors

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Scurry '16, The Real Story

Signs of the intellectual apocalypse appear in pairs

If you see this on someone's head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.
If you see this on someone’s head or false testicles hanging from their truck, administer CPR immediately: their brain is dangerously devoid of oxygen.

Friends of the site know that The Guys all met at Radford University, a school you’ve never heard of unless you went there, knew someone who stole a cop car during QuadFest or heard that Donald Trump would be speaking there today.

That last development had a lot of alumni on edge … until we found out that many Highlanders stepped up and disrupted Trump’s “speech” every few minutes. (The idea of students shouting down political speech might disturb some of you, but they did not interrupt anything of substance. For instance, the proposition that not only will the Mexicans build our southern border wall for us, but that it will be “1,000 miles” long and “even higher than China’s.”)

Civil disobedience aside, the Real Story in that link is what Trump supporters said to the media and wore:

‘I don’t need a politician to have perfect hair, I need him to have balls,’ said Tamara Neo, the former Buchanan County commonwealth’s attorney.

[…]

‘Fire the Idiots, Help the Vets’ read the front of one popular T-shirt. On the back, ‘DONALD TRUMP: FINALLY SOMEONE WITH BALLS.’

[Emphasis ours.]

It’s official: Donald Trump is the TruckNutz™ of presidential candidates.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Facepalm

It’s not on your TV; it’s HBO

Look, Bill Maher's smugness doesn't pay for itself, OK? Take one for the team and pay for an HBO Now subscription already.
Look, Bill Maher’s smugness doesn’t pay for itself, OK? Take one for the team and pay for an HBO Now subscription already.

Well, HBO finally noticed that everyone’s either jumping into and out of their HBO Now streaming service between Game of Thrones seasons or sharing accounts. How? Because there are only 800,000 accounts. Whoops.

So, like Hillary Clinton asking for a dollar from all of her supporters who don’t work for Citibank, the non-HBO-subscribing Game of Thrones viewers need a few more people to subscribe year-round to HBO Now. Or they’ll pull the plug. Or worse: include ads.

The Guys would do it ourselves, but, as much as we like John Oliver, we just can’t pay to watch the same four movies every eight hours (plus two hours of the softest of softcore pornography).

But, you, you should totally do it. And then give us your password.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

Chipotle jumps onto Less-than-super Monday hangover grenade

Chipotle knows that there's no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.
Chipotle knows that there’s no discernible difference between a burrito thrown up due to E. Coli or E. Stoli.

Despite more people worldwide (over)celebrating the Super Bowl than Christmas, the federal government and your boss refuse to recognize it as a national holiday. One-quarter drink to cheer the thrill of victory; one-quarter to drown the agony of defeat; one-quarter to endure the half-time show; and one-quarter because football. So, everyone knows why you’re calling in sick on Less-than-super Monday, and it reflects on you poorly as a person, even though nearly everyone else is at least a little hungover the day after the Super Bowl.

And that’s Chipotle’s opening to win you back — even though, c’mon, the only people who stopped eating there weren’t allowed to check out of the ICU for food poisoning. They’ll take $50 off 1,500 catering orders they receive for Super Bowl parties.

So, when your supervisor gets all judgy when you call in the next day, tell ’em it’s not a hangover; it’s Chipotle.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

McDonald’s breakfast — stuff of legends — available all day!

The crop-circles of breakfast food will now be available all day at select McDonald's locations.
The crop-circles of breakfast “food” will now be available all day at select McDonald’s locations.

Everybody! McDonald’s launches all-day breakfast items tomorrow! Finally, we can get whatever a McGriddle is after 10 a.m.

Of course, none of us have ever actually eaten McDonald’s breakfast. We’ve either always woken up too late or would rather eat actual g*ddamn food for breakfast when we do.

But, hey, we’re sure that, even if the meat in their burgers is questionable, it’s impossible to fake foamy, perfectly round yellow coasters and call them eggs, right?

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Booze News

The most important beer of the day

HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.
HefeWheaties: technically not breakfast because you never went to sleep. Like a damn champion.

America was founded by prudes, sure, but they were beer-drinking prudes, so what the hell happened to drinking booze with breakfast? The company that brought you weird feelings about Mary Lou Retton with your first cup of coffee plans to bring back the meal that has fueled headhunters and pyramid-builders alike: breakfast beer.

General Mills and the Fulton brewery have joined forces to produce HefeWheaties — a slight variation on the hefeweizen, a German beer recipe that is 50 percent made from fermented wheat — that combines marketing forces with the breakfast of champions: little chocolate donuts Wheaties.

Neither company has announced whether they will feature famous sports figures on the cans, but The Guys’ vote is for John Daly and Bob Ueker.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

A peep into our future dairy addiction

Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that's why.
Peeps and Prairie Farms have ruined milk in three flavors because f*ck you, that’s why.

Not satisfied with ruining Easter, Halloween and the good name of the marshmallow, Peeps has now turned its sights onto the very opposite of sugar-frosted disgustingness: milk.

Peeps has partnered with Prairie Farms to develop Peeps-flavored milk. The companies plan to destroy any nutritional benefit to bone density and muscle development in three flavors: Marshmallow Milk, Chocolate Marshmallow Milk, and Easter Egg Nog. The milky-sugar delivery system will contain over three times more sugar than whole milk, “clocking in at 37 grams per cup,” and twice as much sodium — “320 mg per cup compared to 120 mg for a cup of the brand’s whole milk.”

A serving of whole milk contains 11 grams of sugar. For comparison, a 12-oz. bottle of Coca-Cola contains 39 grams of sugar.

So, congratulations, Peeps. You’ve brought a popular milk manufacturer over to the fat side and made millions of dentists across America very profitable.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Facepalm

For the worker who can’t find new ways to demean themselves

Your move, people sitting on ab balls.
Your move, people sitting on ab balls.

Do you ever worry that you haven’t sacrificed enough at work? To date, the average American office worker has forsaken

  • Salaries that rise to match inflation and higher costs of living.
  • Pensions.
  • Evenings and weekends free from phone call and emails.
  • Offices.
  • All physical activity.

But, what if we told you that you could get back that last item — physical activity — and all you’d have to trade is in the only thing you have left: dignity?

Introducing: the Hamster Wheel Standing Desk. It’s a hamster wheel that you stand in while working at your standing desk. (Cedar chips that eliminate loss of productivity due to leaving your desk to go to the restroom sold separately.)

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

I’ve got a bloated ticket!

Olive Garden would have gone full Wonka and printed winning tickets on the bottom of random "bottomless" bowls, but then all the winners would look like the guy punished for gluttony in Se7en.
Olive Garden would have gone full Wonka and printed winning tickets on the bottom of random “bottomless” bowls, but then all the winners would look like the guy punished for gluttony in Se7en.

In less than three hours, you may be one of 1000 lucky souls to buy seven weeks of all-you-can-eat pasta for just $99. Sounds too good to be true? That’s because it’s unlimited Olive Garden food. [Cue audio of Satan cackling.]

The rest of us unlucky remainders will only be able to eat from the Neverending Pasta Trough for $10 a pop.

So if you love pasta, but not enough to find pasta that doesn’t give you the runs, go to Olive Garden’s web site to try your luck against the hordes of others on a seven-week dietary cheat.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, It Must Be Science!

Popping advertisers’ dreams

Marketers have already developed a counter to the popcorn anti-advertising problem: terrifying commercials.
Marketers have already developed a counter to the popcorn anti-advertising problem: terrifying commercials.

Are you tired of being bossed around by commercials? Don’t you wish you didn’t have to switch beer brands just because an ad made you horny or laugh? Now there’s a way to mindlessly watch commercials without losing self-control and consumer choice: popcorn.

A recent set of experiments indicates that, when exposed to a new product name in advertising, we simulate its pronunciation with our mouths. Unless our yaps are full of popcorn. Then we’re unable to remember it later, which means we just spent the past 30 seconds chomping, chewing, unproductively tonguing at bits of corn skin between our teeth and simply watching the bright, shiny colors pass before us, undigested (just like the un-popped kernels).

So, be clever while looking like a cow: buy Orville Reddenbacher’s new Ad-Blocker Popping Kernals today.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors

In defense of Lululemon’s sheer yoga pants

This would never happen in Lululemon yoga pants. Jus' saying.
This would never happen in Lululemon yoga pants. Jus’ saying.

Things are not looking good for yoga pants manufacturer Lululemon. The company is now facing a combined lawsuit that accuses them of deliberately concealing that their women’s black yoga pants become nearly sheer when worn, due to the fibers being stretched by — as termed in yoga studios — dat ass.

Lululemon’s allegedly concealed the design flaw until they finally had to recall the pants and their CEO, Christine Day, resigned, triggering a sudden, unexpected 17.5 percent drop (valued at $1.62 billion) in their stock in a single day. This hit the Louisiana Sheriffs’ Pension & Relief Fund hard since they own about $1.3 million in Lululemon stock.

So, to help a Louisiana Sheriff retire, The Guys have volunteered to make sheer yoga pants a thing. Sure, it means showing your ass to the world, but isn’t it worth not stewing in your own farts?

It'd make his day if you'd just wear the shear yoga pants.
It’d make his day if you’d just wear the sheer yoga pants.

Think about it.