And yet they can’t change ‘The Other White Meat?’

If you didn’t know, the pork industry isn’t doing so hot right now. Granted, it’s not in horrible shape, but even with the scares that plagued the beef/horse/guinea pig/unknown beef paste industry, it’s still not doing fantastically. And so, in order to raise pork sales, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program did what any other multi-billion dollar industry does when faced with slumping sales.

They renamed the same exact products to sell at the same price. Some examples include:

  • Pork chops are now ribeye chops. Logic: How much for a rib? (Link NSFW)
  • Pork butt is now Boston roast. Logic: Boston is full of a-holes.
  • A beef under blade boneless steak will now become a Denver steak. Logic: At least it’s not Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Denny’s finally validating title of ‘destination wedding’

It took them just over four months, but last night, Denny’s finally closed the deal. That’s right, a wedding at their exclusive downtown Las Vegas restaurant happened. The lucky couple was treated to a “Pancake Puppies” cake and “Grand Slamosas.” Also, diabetes.

Remember, what felt like nearly a lifetime of planning can soon be over in just a few hours thanks to annulments and careful thinking.

Trim off the pounds with Special K’s new special ingredient

Kellogg's new Special K with Shards of Broken Glass made Liam Neeson the action star he is today.
Kellogg’s new Special K with Shards of Broken Glass made Liam Neeson the action star he is today. (Those glass blades pop out of his hands, Wolverine-style.)

When it comes to breakfast cereal, Special K doesn’t seem like anything special. It’s lightly toasted wheat and rice flakes, which makes it nigh indistinguishable from every other non-marshmallow-enhanced, flake-based human fish food in the breakfast aisle.

So, it makes sense that the Kellogg Company would change things up a bit by adding red berries and shards of broken glass.

The Guys aren’t sure what’s happening on Kellogg’s production floor, but we’re betting they don’t call it Battle Creek, Michigan, for nothing.

Dubai landsharks excited about sexy new alias

Nothing says "discrete" like deploying a delivery team to your door.
Nothing says “discreet” like deploying a delivery team to your door.

Durex, the Pepsi of condoms, has a plan to directly compete with the Trojan Man: by actually delivering prophylactics to your door, not just pretending like in Trojan ads. They’ve launched a delivery service in Dubai, where it’s easy to get laid but hard to buy condoms because of the rest of the United Arab Emirates’ conservative culture.

An app called SOS Condoms transmits your GPS location to the delivery service, which a “discreet and professional delivery team” uses to deliver a dozen condoms between 4 pm and 4 am for $15 anywhere in Dubai. Those who prefer to make love during the day, however, will be punished with babies and VD.

And if you’re jealous of Dubai and their Durex deliveries, nominate your city today to become the next SOS Condom recipients!

Sodapressing

Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.
Nothing is more depressing than diet fruit punch.

A recent National Institutes of Health study found a correlation between rates of depression and drinking sweetened regular and diet sodas, fruit punch and sweetened iced tea.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that soda causes depression; depressed people may just be more likely to pop a can.

But, what’s interesting are the relative levels of depression among the tested beverages. People who drank diet soda were 30 percent more likely to be depressed, while regular soda drinkers only had a 22 percent risk. Fruit punch drinkers, however, were 38 percent more depressed than their non-fruit punch drinking peers.

But, the most depressing statistic? People who drank diet fruit punch were 51 percent more likely to be depressed than anyone else. The lesson here? Diet fruit punch — or diet fruit punch drinkers — is more depressing than a Sarah McLachlan and Sally Struthers duet.

Siri is … NOT the father!

"Your peak fertility date is ... January ... 12 ... 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?"
“Your peak fertility date is … January … 12 … 1994. Would you like me to call an animal adoption center?”

Hello, SeriouslyLadies! How are those resolutions coming? You know: losing some pounds, quitting smoking, dressing more like Rizzo to finally land Danny or maybe even — dare we say — having a baby?

If you’re not pregnant, yet, don’t worry. There’s an app for that. (SeriouslyGuys: bringing back 2008’s punchlines for 2013!)

Ovuline isn’t your grandma’s ovulation calendar app. It also asks you deeply personal questions about your mood, weight, calorie intake, blood pressure and cervical mucous. We’re not sure how your phone takes these measurements, but we’re positive that you won’t have to worry about your man spying on your phone while you go take a dump. Er, freshen up.

Honeymoons over my hammy

Denny’s strikes a blow for the sanctity of marriage as an institution between one man, one woman and one Elvis impersonator.

With over 1,700 Denny’s restaurants worldwide, you don’t have to travel far to get breakfast 24 hours a day, spaghetti or salmonella. But, there are only 50 locations with a full bar, and only one of those serves the ultimate 3 a.m. regret: marriage.

Denny’s newest location in Las Vegas will feature a wedding chapel and photo booth. And while you’re there, don’t forget to say “I do” to a Grand Slam breakfast so you can “round the bases” before you get back to your hotel room. (Denny’s is not responsible for pre-consumation bloat and food comas.)

Denny’s: what? At least you didn’t get hitched in a Waffle House.

Baby Merlot now serving Toddler Wine

Frequent readers already know that The Guys are entrepreneurs. We entered the booze business recently by selling Baby Merlot, a brand of wine that trains future drinkers in the womb so that they’ll be more advanced than their wine cooler-sipping peers in Kindergarten.

We’re no proud to introduce phase two: Toddler Wine. Toddler Wine is available in white, red or blush and is served in mommy’s glass. This will help mommy share sips of her wine with her toddler, fostering shared interests, all while keeping Junior in training for the big league drinks in high school. Basically, if Baby Merlot is our Childhood Development program’s Baby Mozart, then Toddler Wine is our Sesame Street.

But what about after the toddler years? The Guys are busy in our lab, trying on each other’s coats. And also working out the kinks in our beer and liquor programs.

Finally: a perk to insurance-covered birth control

If you’ve been on the fence about getting a vasectomy, would a free pizza help sway you?

Urology Associates of Cape Cod has a limited time offer for one free pizza if you get your vasectomy through them in March. The promotion is timed to coincide with the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, a time which doctors from the Cleveland Clinic claim to see a 50 percent increase in vasectomies.

Other clinics across the nation are offering copies of Sports Illustrated, 3D glasses, T-shirts (“He got this vasectomy, and all I got was an empty pizza box”) and bags of frozen peas to the man who has it all disconnected from his balls.

They believe men intentionally choose March so they can get a few days off of work to watch the tournament, guilt-(and baby-)free.

The only drawback to this plan? You can only do it once.

Uh-oh! Our frankincense is tingling!

We’ve got bad news for you Christmas traditionalists out there. (You know, those of you that drink wassail as three ships go sailing by for 12 days.) If you were planning on going the nostalgic route and giving Jesus his original baby presents, then you’re out of luck with frankincense. By the end of the last century, it appears that fire, disease and cattle farming depleted Boswellia trees, which is where frankincense — a resin — comes from.

Of course … you could always embrace the commercialized Christmas and give the Big Guy gold, myrrh and a box of General Mills’ Frankenberry.