Ask Dr. Snee: No ifs, ands or butts
Posted on July 21, 2010
Filed Under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
Dear Dr. Snee:
I’ve just had a birthday, and I’m worried about getting older. More specifically, about prostate exams. Do doctors really have to stick a finger up my butt? What if I enjoy it? Or are there any other methods?
–Sitting Around
You know, SA, you couldn’t time this question any better. In fact, your timing is so extraordinary that a casual reader might think I just scanned the news for a medical headline, found a silly one and then wrote a fake letter from someone embarrassed about prostate exams. It’s a funny idea, but completely untrue.
But, seriously: South Korean doctors have just devised a new test that also involves fingers, only this time, it’s with your finger. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins
Posted on May 12, 2010
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There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.
Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.
We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.
And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.
It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Read more
Written by Rick SneeAsk Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?
Posted on March 17, 2010
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Today is St. Patrick’s Day.
And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)
Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.
Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Read more
Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be
Posted on January 20, 2010
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Dear Dr. Snee,
What is a placebo? Is that what mother dogs eat when they have puppies?
–Johnny Laster, age 8
A mother dog eats the placenta, which is part of the sac that fetuses live inside of while in their mother’s stomach.
But that’s not just dogs: all mammals have them, including humans. I talked to your mom (in bed) and she told me that she intentionally ate Indian food the entire week you were due, just so your placenta would taste like curry.
A placebo, on the other hand, is a tricky medical term. Read more
Written by Rick SneeAsk Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?
Posted on November 13, 2009
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Good day, eh? (I’m practicing my Canadian for when the country becomes socialist and I’m forced to flee.)
Anyway, I know I just gave you medical advice on Wednesday, so you’re probably wondering what this is all aboo–ahem, about.
As a doctor, I’m concerned about health care. As a male, I’m concerned with not being a father while I still have boat payments to make.
Right now, those two concerns are hand-in-hand, making a wringing motion so fierce that I won’t have the wrist strength to masturbate later. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Dr. Snee: Healthy tips for healthy living
Posted on November 11, 2009
Filed Under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
Every day, I receive more and more emails about the swine flu, vaccines and restraining orders I’ve violated. I wanted to believe that I’m better than that, that common medical queries and accusations of unwanted (yeah right) advances were beneath me.
Well, I am, but somebody has failed you. I blame the public schools, which do not deserve my money to address their shortcomings. (You want better funding? Get a government loan and go to medical school like I did!*)
However, there’s no need to go into specifics about silly hot button issues that any practitioner at the free clinic can tell you about, not when the real issue here is how to stay healthy. If you’re healthy, then swine flu and vaccines don’t matter.
Fortunately, my method is simple: the Halloween Principles of Health. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate
Posted on September 2, 2009
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Before we get started with this week’s questions, I just want to remind you that your health insurance provider no longer covers consultations. By reading this, you agree to pay your entire bill within 90 days. No take backs!
Dear Dr. Snee,
Why is swine flu back? I thought it was gone.
–Reinflating My Bubble
Three words, RMB: slow news week.
Viruses don’t go away; they just get bumped for more interesting headlines if they don’t kill enough people. Read more
Written by Rick SneeTake it from Dr. Snee: More like ‘healthcare retard,’ amiright?
Posted on August 12, 2009
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The doctor* is in the hizz-ouse!
It’s been a while since I’ve answered questions, but your insurance coverage ran out a long time ago.
Unfortunately for my golf game, President Barack Obama is trying to push healthcare reform through–which means more questions for me–and if it passes, I might have to actually practice medicine* for once!
So, let’s get to those letters and, if we have time, a town hall meeting! Read more
Written by Rick SneeAsk Dr. Snee: A weighty issue
Posted on May 8, 2009
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Dear Dr. Snee,
I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?
–Newark, NJ
You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.
As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.
I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Read more
Written by Rick SneeAsk Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future
Posted on January 2, 2009
Filed Under Ask Dr. Snee | 4 Comments |
Dear Dr. Snee,
I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?
–milfplugah69
You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.
As to how it works, this is a closely-guarded medical secret, which is why I’m going to tell you and the millions who read this serious medical advice column: time travel. Read more
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