Category: Ask Dr. Snee

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Movember

Ask Dr. Snee: Cold, flu and Ebola season

Before you leave, I need a new iPad. This one is covered in illegible doctor's handwriting.
Before you leave, I need a new iPad. This one is covered in illegible doctor’s handwriting.

Hello, reader. According to these notes from the nurse who just examined you, “Dr. Snee is a horse’s ass who never reads charts and just gives everyone antibiotics.”

Ahem.

Well, it looks like I’m a horse’s ass who can read, thank you Nurse Lattimer, and I’m prescribing you about six months’ worth of penicillin for what’s about to be a chronic case of Unemployment in This Job Market. (You can find that in the Big Doctor’s First Medical Picture Book under “E. tadick.”)

Looks like the waiting room is backing up, so let’s get to the mail bag. Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee

Take it from Dr. Snee: Why Jenny McCarthy matters

This is what Nancy Grace sees in her mirror every morning ... unless we suddenly devalue plastic surgery and over-inflated self-worth.
This is what Nancy Grace sees in her mirror every morning … unless we suddenly devalue plastic surgery and scientific illiteracy.

So, Jenny McCarthy made a public statement about vaccines and autism again, most likely because of recent news about the mumps, measles and whooping-cough making huge comebacks based directly on views she and the rest of the Indigo Mothers Brigade foisted on the world.

Of course, McCarthy is denying ever saying that parents should not vaccinate their children (even though countless sources demonstrate that, yes, she most certainly did).

She also managed to repeat other dangerous advice in her “didn’t say not to vaccinate” letter like waiting to get certain vaccinations … while sitting in a waiting room with kids who have also not been vaccinated.

As a fake Internet doctor (a practicing internetalist), this matter concerns me gravely. But not because of Jenny McCarthy’s blithering celebrity supermom idiocy. I’m concerned that plastic surgery isn’t working anymore.

Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee

Take it from Dr. Snee: Trending medicine

Look at me: so jaded by the medical writing in news outlets that I'm smoking. Smoking like a French oncologist.
Look at me: so jaded by the medical writing in the news that I’m smoking. Smoking like a French oncologist.

Welcome, hopefully insured readers to another edition of Ask Dr. Snee. (If you’re not insured, don’t worry. I overcharge the insured readers to cover deadbeats like yourself.)

Normally, I’d hand you off to a nurse practitioner while I complain about Obamacare at the country club or ski resort. But, thanks to the waning standards of health reporting in major news outlets, it behooves me to dispel some bits of hokum being transmitted across social media. (I miss the old days when medical con artists had to pay for ad space in the New York Times, not simply caption their bullsh*t over a picture of a cat in reading glasses on Facebook.)

So, let’s take an exploratory look at the trending health scares.  Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee

A Dr. Snee Special Report: Cleansing Diets

Dieticians have worked out the slowest, sexiest ways to get you out of your pants.
Dietitians have worked out the slowest, sexiest ways to get you out of your pants. And then there’s juice fasting.

As part of a special summer series, I’m putting my stethoscope to this season’s popular diets. While they’re not all terrible, they are all products of our own conflicted, misinformed era. To put this report in its proper historical context for future scientists and world leaders reading this blog:

  • In the U.S.’s 10 fattest states, nearly a full third of the population is obese. Even in our thinnest state, Colorado, nearly one-fifth are obese, so Donner parties will either have to make do with less or import midnight snacks.
  • On the other hand, even the average male model is expected to have a body fat percentage of six or less. (And that’s the gender with less body issues.)

So, we’re a little crazed when it comes to weight loss because (a) on average, we’re failing at it, and (b) according to our current aesthetic standards, nearly everybody has to drop a few pounds before being eligible for gene-swapping.

And that — along with an interest in science, but not in reading in-depth about it — has led to some … questionable diet choices becoming very popular, even among those who don’t need to lose much weight.

This week’s trendy diet is cleansing or, as it’s known in other circles, juice fasting. Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee

A Dr. Snee Special Report: The Keto Diet

T-shirt Idea: "Nutritionists take it by the pound!"
T-shirt Idea: “Nutritionists take it by the pound!”

As an online doctor,* I get a lot of questions about diet, especially this time of year when everyone’s trying to lose weight in time for wearing wedding formal wear and swimsuits. Which diet works best, which one’s healthiest for you, which one requires the least math, which one lets me eat the same s**t that made me fat in the first place, etc.

So, rather than answer every single letter, I’m going to devote the next several Dr. Snee columns to reviewing fad diets. Together, we (but mostly I) will explore a trendy diet:

  • What it claims to do.
  • What it really does.
  • How you’re probably being mislead with — what we call in the medial community — bulls**t.

This week’s fancy diet is the Keto Diet. Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee

A Dr. Snee Special Report: The Paleo Diet

Unlike those so-called "nutritionists," I'm not going to just hand you a bowl of dick-shaped fruits and call it a day.
Unlike those so-called “nutritionists,” I’m not going to just hand you a bowl of dick-and-ball-shaped fruits and call it a day.

As an online doctor,* I get a lot of questions about diet, especially this time of year when everyone’s trying to lose weight in time for wearing wedding formal wear and swimsuits. Which diet works best, which one’s healthiest for you, which one requires the least math, which one lets me eat the same s**t that made me fat in the first place, etc.

So, rather than answer every single letter, I’m going to devote the next several Dr. Snee columns to reviewing fad diets. Together, we (but mostly I) will explore a trendy diet:

  • What it claims to do.
  • What it really does.
  • How you’re probably being mislead with — what we call in the medial community — bulls**t.

This week’s fancy diet is the Paleo Diet. Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Sex Sells, Take it from Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Overcoming your shortcomings

"It was tiny, and it looked like this!"
“It was tiny, and it looked like this!”

I always wondered if women really cared about, you know, size, and it turns out that they totally do! I’m not exactly the biggest guy around, so what do I do now?
Paul, but Fierce

Whether it’s a big penis or big set of “projecting lateral tubercles,” the ladies are all about size, Paul. It’s what put the “selective” in “selective breeding,” like picking out the least warty cucumber that can also feed a family of four.

But that doesn’t mean your smaller penis pulls you out of the running.

Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Snowed in with your letters

Why, hello there, patient readers. Like everyone else in the DC area, I’ve been pretending to be snowed in by rain and two very wet inches of snow.

You know how they started naming winter storms this year? We called ours the Snowquester. Get it? Because people who live within 100 miles of the nation’s capitol only exist from one political event to another.

It's not like I'm going anywhere in this pretend snow car.
It’s not like I’m going anywhere in this pretend snow car.

So, while I try to remember that, essentially, man is good (even when they name everything with puns based on terms from Civics class), I figured I’d answer a few letters. As always, thanks for emailing instead of licking envelopes during the cold and flu season.  Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee

Take it from Dr. Snee: You say you want a resolution

Yeah, I'm not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit Y.
Yeah, I’m not too thrilled about the new year either, Exhibit W.

Why, hello there, patient readers. Sorry I haven’t answered your letters recently. I’ve been busy, fighting some paternity suits from my totally unrelated chain of sperm banks and fertility clinics. Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of unhappy mothers to accuse of postpartum depression under oath. (Not sure what the legal defense is against allegedly cuckolded dads is, though.)

Anyway, it’s a new year, which means it’s time for the same old boring resolutions. So, if you haven’t quit quitting smoking yet — which odds and these Camel dollars say otherwise — then congratulations! You’ve made it over the hump: one week. Your body is no longer addicted to nicotine. Technically.

However, there’s just one minor obstacle to get over: the rest of your life. Continue reading

| Filed under Ask Dr. Snee, Pirates, Take it from Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of Prozac

Ahoy, mateys! Ship’s surgeon Dr. Snee here, reportin’ fer duty! Yarrrrr!

To celebrate Talk like a Pirate Day, I’ll be answering yer medical queries concerning all things piratical in nature. And, if ye be needin’ a second opinion, then I’ve trained me helper pigeon, Nurse Polly, to repeat everything I just said, plus several pirate insults because yer a mutinous cockswain!

Weigh anchor and hit the jump, me hearties! I promise not to let the crew cast ye into Davy Jones Locker until the cook gets yer best parts in the stew.  Continue reading