Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Posted on March 17, 2010
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Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

Posted on January 20, 2010
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Dear Dr. Snee,

What is a placebo? Is that what mother dogs eat when they have puppies?

–Johnny Laster, age 8

A mother dog eats the placenta, which is part of the sac that fetuses live inside of while in their mother’s stomach.

But that’s not just dogs: all mammals have them, including humans. I talked to your mom (in bed) and she told me that she intentionally ate Indian food the entire week you were due, just so your placenta would taste like curry.

A placebo, on the other hand, is a tricky medical term. Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Who’s gonna pay for this abortion?

Posted on November 13, 2009
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Good day, eh? (I’m practicing my Canadian for when the country becomes socialist and I’m forced to flee.)

Anyway, I know I just gave you medical advice on Wednesday, so you’re probably wondering what this is all aboo–ahem, about.

As a doctor, I’m concerned about health care. As a male, I’m concerned with not being a father while I still have boat payments to make.

Right now, those two concerns are hand-in-hand, making a wringing motion so fierce that I won’t have the wrist strength to masturbate later. Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Take it from Dr. Snee: Healthy tips for healthy living

Posted on November 11, 2009
Filed Under Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |

Every day, I receive more and more emails about the swine flu, vaccines and restraining orders I’ve violated. I wanted to believe that I’m better than that, that common medical queries and accusations of unwanted (yeah right) advances were beneath me.

Well, I am, but somebody has failed you. I blame the public schools, which do not deserve my money to address their shortcomings. (You want better funding? Get a government loan and go to medical school like I did!*)

However, there’s no need to go into specifics about silly hot button issues that any practitioner at the free clinic can tell you about, not when the real issue here is how to stay healthy. If you’re healthy, then swine flu and vaccines don’t matter.

Fortunately, my method is simple: the Halloween Principles of Health. Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Take it from Dr. Snee: Teach your kids to masturbate

Posted on September 2, 2009
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Before we get started with this week’s questions, I just want to remind you that your health insurance provider no longer covers consultations. By reading this, you agree to pay your entire bill within 90 days. No take backs!

Too much bacon is a bad thing.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Why is swine flu back? I thought it was gone.

–Reinflating My Bubble

Three words, RMB: slow news week.

Viruses don’t go away; they just get bumped for more interesting headlines if they don’t kill enough people. Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Take it from Dr. Snee: More like ‘healthcare retard,’ amiright?

Posted on August 12, 2009
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The doctor* is in the hizz-ouse!

It’s been a while since I’ve answered questions, but your insurance coverage ran out a long time ago.

Unfortunately for my golf game, President Barack Obama is trying to push healthcare reform through–which means more questions for me–and if it passes, I might have to actually practice medicine* for once!

So, let’s get to those letters and, if we have time, a town hall meeting! Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: A weighty issue

Posted on May 8, 2009
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Dear Dr. Snee,

I hate summer. I hate buying swimsuits. What can I do to lose some weight in a matter of weeks?

–Newark, NJ

You know, I’ve received a few of these letters recently, and not just from women. Thanks to feminism, more women are working hard in Hollywood to pass their neuroses onto men.

As a doctor with no endorsements (WTF?!), let me first say that fad diets are a hoax. They don’t work. If they do work, they don’t work properly. They’re all temporary diets, so you’ll go back to eating from the horse trough just as you did before, gaining back all the weight and then some.

I subscribe a variety of techniques to my patients depending on their personality and degree of obesity. Feel free to try any of these and then call me the morning after you become hot. Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Birth Control to the Future

Posted on January 2, 2009
Filed Under Ask Dr. Snee | 4 Comments |

Dear Dr. Snee,

I keep seeing these weird commercials for ladies’ birth control that looks like a little plastic tree that goes in their vagina? How the hell does that work? It won’t plug my peehole, right?

–milfplugah69

You’re talking about the Mirena IUD. No, it won’t plug your “peehole,” or urethra, when you’re “plowing” all those “MILFs.” Actually, they should be called MYLFs, because maybe you’d like to “fornicate” them, but Elvis and I agree: doing a mother is wrong, especially the mother of your children.

As to how it works, this is a closely-guarded medical secret, which is why I’m going to tell you and the millions who read this serious medical advice column: time travel. Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Contagious cancer can kill you

Posted on December 22, 2008
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(Bonus: +4 xp for alliteration)

Sorry about the long sabbatical since my last house call. I’ve been on the road since May, following the Mamma Mia! tour across America.

Before you judge me (lest ye be judged for judging), I only watch Mamma Mia! because of the hot chicks in it, like Christine Baranski.

Also, I’ve found that any movie with an exclamation point in its title is guaranteed to be awesome:

So, to clarify: unconditional love for anything Abba-related does not make me gay. My man-crush on Pierce Brosnan, however, does.

Anyway, on to your important medical quer — uh, questions.

Dear Dr. Snee,

I’ve heard you claim that cancer is contagious. Who told you that? They should be shot.

Self-righteously,

MoSane (a.k.a. ClippershipPat)

I agree completely: Read more

Written by Rick Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: A pregnant pause

Posted on May 30, 2008
Filed Under Ask Dr. Snee | 1 Comment |

What lurks below?Dear Dr. Snee,

I have a 12-year-old son who has recently started spending a lot of time in the bathroom. A lot of time. When I ask him what he’s doing, he refuses to look me in the eye and says that he “was just, you know, going to the bathroom.” As a mother, I’d like to believe him, but what kind of kid goes to the bathroom three times in one hour?! What should I do?

–Potty-pooper

12-years-old, eh? Inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, you say? No complete sentences in this medical advice column yet? Read more

Written by Rick Snee
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