Category: Ask Dr. Snee

Ask Dr. Snee: Turns out I’m right about everything

Why, hello there.

You know, I get a lot of letters and many of them question my expertise. Rather than post each and every one of them up here, let me just answer what you’re all really wondering: am I a doctor? Yes.*

A few of you went further in your letters and politely asked if I am insane. I assure you that not only am I sane, but a lot of research published this week proves that I am also right. But, in the words of Geordi LaForge, don’t take my word for it. This week’s batch of letters show again and again that, when it comes to four out of five doctors, I’m one of those four. (Except when I’m rocking a mic. Then I’m one of a kind.) Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Turns out I’m right about everything

Ask Dr. Snee: Reaching into the guynecologist’s mail sac

Oh, hello there, readers. I didn’t see you waiting there in the Internet. I have a few minutes between smoke breaks, so I’ll just answer a few of your medical questions.

Dear Dr. Snee,

Did you know that yesterday [April 19] was Clitoris Awareness Day? Did you do anything special?

Yes, I pretended that it doesn’t exist. Or is that the g-spot? I can never care. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Reaching into the guynecologist’s mail sac

Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

OK, so nobody asked, but goddammit, you guys, I’m getting pretty damn nervous over here. It appears that you sons of bitches have decided not to die anymore, which puts me in one tight pickle–mostly with my bookie, Eduardo.

Look, you like this semi-regular Dr. Snee feature, right? You’d hate for it to disappear and potentially reappear under a different name in South America, correct? Then you better start living like you’re dying, because I’ve got everything to lose.

Here’s the game plan …. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Who wants to live forever?

Take it from Dr. Snee: The fun-sized fat debate

As a dick-and-fartisan who moonlights occasionally as a doctor* in this space, the topic of food, exercise and obesity in America one near and dear to my opinionated ass. On the one hand, child obesity rates are undeniably skyrocketing, which puts a damper on future national defense and the high school dating scene if I’m ever single again. On the other, fat is a human tradition indicating mastery over all predators.

In the great debate between health officials and Alaskan reality stars, there are a number of arguments to be considered carefully. As mentioned before, I am a kind of doctor* (though not a chiropractor), so I will attempt to use my expertise to chew through them.

In the end, we’ll still be fat, but perhaps we’ll be fat together. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: The fun-sized fat debate

Ask Dr. Snee: Quitting quitting

Dear Dr. Snee,

Like a big, fat dummyhead, I made a resolution to quit smoking and told all my family and friends. I’d really like to be a smoker again, but that will disappoint everyone I know.

What should I do?

–Renfield Bankington

What should you do, Renfield you big fat dummyhead with a stupid name? Well, you have some choices. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Quitting quitting

Take it from Dr. Snee: Vaticans and Vatican’ts

Life decisions can be complicated for a Catholic, especially if you listen to the Pope. Just the other day, you could have sworn that he said that condoms are OK. Let the Vatican assure you that you heard His Holiness wrong.

Confused? I don’t blame you. The Holy Church reverses on condoms more than an attention-deficient cowgirl.

As an Internet celebrity doctor who spent three years (two of those consecutive) years in Catholic school, it has fallen to me to explain the ins and outs of church-sanctioned condom use.

By the end of this, we should all walk safely in God’s syphilis-free embrace.
Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Vaticans and Vatican’ts

Ask Dr. Snee: No ifs, ands or butts

Dear Dr. Snee:

I’ve just had a birthday, and I’m worried about getting older. More specifically, about prostate exams. Do doctors really have to stick a finger up my butt? What if I enjoy it? Or are there any other methods?

–Sitting Around

You know, SA, you couldn’t time this question any better. In fact, your timing is so extraordinary that a casual reader might think I just scanned the news for a medical headline, found a silly one and then wrote a fake letter from someone embarrassed about prostate exams. It’s a funny idea, but completely untrue.

But, seriously: South Korean doctors have just devised a new test that also involves fingers, only this time, it’s with your finger. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: No ifs, ands or butts

Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

There won’t be any letters this week. I want to talk to you about your health and some of my concerns. You may not realize it, but you–yes, you–are unhealthy.

Doctors and lesser scientists have tried everything to make you healthier. We told you that if you got into shape, you’d have more frequent and better sex. When we discovered that fat people and coat racks still manage to have sex, we tried to tell you sex is exercise. That just led to sex toys and the Internet.

We even tried to use food against you. We told you that you could lose weight by eating steak, every f#@king day. You could eat bacon every hour of the day, so long as you didn’t put it in bread. And you still blew it.

And that’s why I’m writing to you today. I’m feed up, so like a high school parent, the government and I are going to pay you for every passed physical. But, any time you do some unhealthy, we’re gonna take some of that money back.

It’s called incentivizing, and it’s the new Atkins. Continue reading Take it from Dr. Snee: Incentivizing is the new Atkins

Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)

Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.

Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?

Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be

Dear Dr. Snee,

What is a placebo? Is that what mother dogs eat when they have puppies?

–Johnny Laster, age 8

A mother dog eats the placenta, which is part of the sac that fetuses live inside of while in their mother’s stomach.

But that’s not just dogs: all mammals have them, including humans. I talked to your mom (in bed) and she told me that she intentionally ate Indian food the entire week you were due, just so your placenta would taste like curry.

A placebo, on the other hand, is a tricky medical term. Continue reading Ask Dr. Snee: Every placebo you want it to be