Real despots have curves

"We're doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?"
“We’re doing the Lucy-thing where I try to keep up with the conveyor belt and eat all the carbs, right?”

Say what you will about the current state of U.S. politics (while you still can, anyway), but at least we aren’t North Korea or China.  Chinese web sites blocked searches for “Kim Fatty the Third,” a running joke about current North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s expanding waistline as well as those of his father and grandfather in a mostly starving nation.

The Chinese government denies having any role in the decision to censor web search results. But, their Foreign Ministry seems to support it, saying, that

‘The Chinese government stays committed to building a healthy and civilized environment of opinions. We disapprove of referring to the leader of any country with insulting and mocking remarks.’

So, while China firmly disagrees with North Korea’s nuclear weapons development and missile testing (which has also fueled the “Kim Fat Fat Fat” movement — the still-allowed nickname), it’s adopted a hard stance against fat-shaming. Especially since Kim is probably the biggest purchaser of Chinese delivery in the world.

A life sentence? Or ten to 25 years?

Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs, 25 years in prison to escape your wife only seems awesome in theory.
Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs and on-demand shower sodomy, 25 years in prison to escape your marriage only seems awesome in theory.

As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.

So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.

In the heat of an argument a domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.

Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.

Priest arraigned for blunderbus

"Take aim, fellas! There's a school bus full of Steelers fans!"
“Take aim, fellas! There’s a school bus full of Steelers fans!”

Rivalry between football fans can get intense this time of year. How intense? Priests with muskets intense — a level of animosity unseen in this country since the U.S. Civil War.

The Rev. Kevin Carter, a Giants fan, was arraigned Tuesday after a witness reported that he pointed an unloaded (but functioning) musket at an 8-year-old Cowboys fan at St. Margaret of Cortona Roman Catholic Church in Little Ferry, N.J.

Sure, Rev. Carter might have failed to observe the most basic of tenet gun safety: treating every gun like it’s loaded, especially when it takes forever to reload after accidentally firing it at a child. But, everyone at his church was OK with it, probably relieved actually. Most of the time, when a story begins with a priest pulling a boy into a rectory and putting him against a wall, it rarely ends with him pointing a gun at the kid.

Physician, serve thyself

In fairness, though, it’s tough being a competent, caring gynecologist when you look and act like such a dick.

In Alabama, all professions are somehow political — and, therefore, religious — even medicine. During and shortly after the passage of the Affordable Care Act, I passed the time spent waiting in a dermatologist’s office by reading the marked Bible passages that he believe invalidated Obamacare.

So, it’s not too surprising that, not only did a doctor trade the Hippocratic Oath for the Hypocrite’s and run for the State Senate, Sen. Larry Stutt is now trying to repeal a law named for a patient whose post-pregnancy death he was sued over. The law requires insurers to cover post-pregnancy hospital stays after his patient, Rose Church, died of a heart attack 10 days after giving birth.

Stutt’s bill, Senate Bill 289, “would also also end a requirement that doctors inform women when finding dense breast tissue, which is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer, during a mammogram.” So, it might be that Dr. Sen. Stutt merely hates all women and not just the one that he settled out of court over. After all, what do they know, whether it concerns the health of their breasts or how they feel post-pregnancy?

Dear Diary, it’s me, George Zimmerman

Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of  introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Steve and Brian.
Zimmerman stressed that he feels absolutely no regret or remorse for extinguishing a human life, which is the exact amount of introspection to put you on the Fox & Friends couch between Doocy and Kilmeade.

George Zimmerman, who was acquitted of all charges related to the 2012 shooting of Trayvon Martin, released a video with his lawyer’s help on Monday. In it, he blames President “Barack Hussein Obama” as the person most responsible for all racial tension towards him. He also compares himself to Anne Frank for their shared ability to “believe that people are truly good at heart” before shooting them.

This is the second weirdest audition tape that Fox news has received since Geraldo Rivera filmed 14 consecutive Vine videos of himself twirling his mustache at a teachers’ union meeting.

Big Man of the Day Award

This has perhaps been a long time in the making, but it’s now time to unveil a new category: the Big Man of the Day.

It takes a big man to admit when someone has done wrong, and an even bigger one to assert this through force. That is why our first official recipient is Russel E. Miller, who police say hit a teenage boy for not turning off his iPhone on a plane.

For your gross overreaction and uncalled for violence toward a minor in defense of a minor airplane rule, we congratulate you, Self-Anointed Air Marshall Miller!

Also, some honorary mentions for the commentors who only wish Miller had done more!