Category: Booze News

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!

A microscopic worm can drink you under the table

Bad news, people. There exists a type of worm that can’t get drunk, and it’s all science’s fault.

Researchers at the University of Texas genetically engineered a type of roundworm that can’t get a buzz no matter how much it drinks. Stop for a minute, and think about how a group of scientists spent their workdays getting worms drunk, then contemplate how much your job sucks.

But it’s not all bad news. They say the discovery could one day lead to drugs that can block the effect of alcohol withdrawal (hangovers). It could even one day keep people from getting drunk at all, which sounds like hell.

| Posted in Booze News

Duking it out over ‘Duke’

20140710-104451-38691169.jpg
Personally, we wouldn’t mess with the Wayne family. They tend to get a little … batty when it comes to their parents’ legacy.

We’re this close to a John Wayne-themed bourbon. We just have to wait for the Wayne estate’s and Duke University’s lawyers to finish fighting over trademarks before we can finally drop shots of The Duke into glasses of Fess Parker wine.

Duke University is suing to protect their trademark, which they believe a whiskey named “The Duke” would violate, even if it was John Wayne’s nickname (the man was renown for his spectacular dumps) and the label features him and not a blue devil.

To confirm Duke’s lawyers’ fears, The Guys are a little confused about the brands, mostly because we all minored in whiskey while in college together.

| Posted in Booze News

Breaking news: People drinking at World Cup

In 2003, Brazil realized that its soccer fans were getting a bit too drunk and rowdy during matches, so it banned the sale of alcohol in “football” stadiums. (It would make more sense to ban soccer, but whatever.) But FIFA made Brazil end their prohibition for the World Cup.

Now, FIFA officials are surprised at how much drunkenness is going on. FIFA’s Jerome Valcke, whom we’re told is a high-ranking official, said during an interview that there may be too many drunk people at the matches, and that could lead to hooliganism.

This makes no sense to The Guys. Isn’t the point of watching sports, especially boring ones, to drink beer?

| Posted in Booze News

The drunkest states in the Union list is out

We’re doing our best, everyone, but The Guys can’t do it alone.

The not-biased-at-all-sounding National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism released a report this week listing the drunkest states in the Union per capita. Sadly, Virginia, where all four Guys reside, is not #1. We’re not even in the top half. Virginia is the 38th drunkest, consuming only 2.13 gallons of alcohol per capita in 2012, which makes us one of the preachy buzzkills at the party.

New Hampshire and Delaware took first and second, with 4.65 and 3.59 gallons per capita, respectively, but they’re gaming the system. They’re both small states with no tax charged on alcohol, so of course people will cross the board for their booze. New Hampshire has exits on either side of Interstate 95 specifically for liquor stores for travelers on their way to a better state to stop and drink in.

That means that third place, North Dakota, with 3.42 gallons, earns our respect. That state’s just drinking to keep warm.

| Posted in Booze News, War on Education

Sometimes a drunk teacher just wants food, OK?

It’s been a while since we’ve warned you about the dangers of education, but here’s a solid an example of why education should be abolished.

In California, three 17-year-olds were out driving around on a Saturday night when they saw one of their teachers standing on the side of the road. The teacher, John Edward Maust, 34, appeared to the students to be a bit tipsy. He asked for a ride. And at some point during the trip, he pulled a knife on his students and demanded they take him to a Jack-in-the-Box, according to police. Authorities say he fled the vehicle after one of the students dialed 911 and the teacher saw a police helicopter overhead.

That means they get A’s on their finals, right?

| Posted in Booze News, That Wacky Australia

Inventive alcoholic labeled just alcoholic by the law

The law is biased against people that consume the spirits.

Perhaps you may already be aware of this revelation, but nonetheless, it’s not a fair revelation. Ingenuity and the inventive spirit are part of the cornerstone of our society, and yet, Johnny Law don’t give a fudge.

And this isn’t just in the U and the S of the A! Over in Australia, a young man managed to motorize a beer cooler … but not in the fashion of it just moving up and down. No, the beer cooler could actually carry a person and transport them from point A to point B. How genius is that? It’s apparently the worst thing in the world.

Police said the vehicle was potentially dangerous and that the cooler contained alcohol.

A motorized beer cooler: it’s worse than cocaine.

| Posted in Booze News

‘My eyelids are chapped, dude’

The next time you see someone with some Burt’s Bees lip balm, you don’t have to assume they’re high because they are clearly a hippie, you can assume it because they are also teenagers.

The media just found out that some teens somewhere are using Burt’s Bees lip balm to get high or something, and promptly went into “OH MY GOD IT’S ANOTHER KNOCK OUT GAME, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE YOUTH?!?!” mode. Apparently, kids put the stuff on their eye lids because the peppermint makes them feel all tingly and enhances their buzz on other things, like booze. It’s called “Beezin,’” because creativity is too much work, dude.

Take solace, hysterical parents who assume that because a few kids are doing something that every kid is doing it, at least they’re not eyeballing.

| Posted in Booze News

We’re numéro un!

"À la vôtre, Madames de Pompadourks."
À la vôtre, Madames de Pompadourks.”

It’s finally happened: we not only make wine that tastes as French as flaky bread, but we now as a nation consume more of it than them. In 2013, we drank over 760 million gallons of the grape stuff, while those frogs only swilled around 740 gallons.

Now, some may point to the fact that, per person, the average French wine drinker drank more wine per year than his American counterpart. (And if you did point it out, then bonjour, Frenchie, ’cause you’re not fooling anyone.)

But, let’s flip that around. If the average French person drinks more wine than the average American, then that means more Americans drink wine than French people. And that makes us, as a culture, more French than vous! Eat it, Frère Jacques-asses!

… Wait. Nobody wants to be the Peter Criss of European cultures. Spit it out, Americans! And rinse out with Miller Light!

| Posted in Booze News

We present to you the most unkosher whiskey ever

Whiskey is delicious. Pork is delicious. And now, a group of geniuses have made the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of food.

I mean, booze-food.

The people at Templeton Rye Distillery, located in Templeton, Iowa, are hard at work merging pigs with whiskey … while the pigs are still alive. They’ve taken just over two dozen piglets, born at the beginning of the year, and working to have the swine taste like their signature product. Somehow, this does not involve the pigs getting blitzed! Instead, they’re being fed a grain used in the whiskey-making process.

We expect the fools at PETA to protest, but those losers weren’t exactly known for their taste in alcohol as it is. TRD, you can put us down for some of the final product when it’s for sale.

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Som of a –

It turns out you can turn your vomit blood red by drinking enough of any alcohol.
It turns out you can turn your vomit blood red by drinking enough of any alcohol.

So, after all these years of drinking red wine with every meal and between for a light pick-me-up, it looks like the only people we helped live longer are vintners, who have used up all of our money on the finest doctors/wizards to keep themselves alive.

Scientists decided to, you know, do some actual observations of people (not mice) and found that everyone — wine drinkers, whiskey drinkers, kids who climb on rocks, everyonedies of heart disease and cancer at roughly the same time. Even the control group — people they shot — died of heart attacks from the shock of being shot and cancer from possibly related lead.

It’s all pointless. And worse: we ordered wine at a bar.

We need a drink.