It’s probably fun to serve in the Canadian Navy. You just hang out with a bunch of your buddies on a cruise and occasionally shoot at polar bears, we assume. But it’s going to be a little less cool now.
Do you have a problem with rowdy youths in your neighborhood? Is it a huge risk for you just to talk to the store to buy a couple things at night? Then you should try beer.
A 50-year-old Boston-area man was able to scare off some knife-wielding teens armed with nothing but a shopping bag with beer in it. You’d think the would-be muggers would just take the beer, but whatever.
Raise a glass to your ancestor from 10 million years ago. It’s because of them that you and drink in the first place.
We’ve known that people have gotten drunk for thousands of years, scientists even credit beer as the reason we have civilization in the first place, but we didn’t know how far back we’d been buzzed. Turns out, human ancestors were first able to process alcohol about 10 million years ago by eating fermented fruit. That doesn’t mean that some ape-man grabbed rotting fruit and figured out it made him feel all spinny, it means that some ape-man ate rotting fruit, and hurled it up because he couldn’t process it. He kept trying and trying, and so did generations after him, until one day his ape-man ancestor was able to eat rotting fruit and not puke, allowing him to eat more and more.
Everyone wishes they had more vacation time (except for Americans, who don’t use a great deal of theirs), but some of them want it so much that they would give up on the things that make vacations so much fun.
According to a not-very-scientific survey, nearly a quarter of workers would go without sex for just one more day of vacation. That’s just crazy talk, the internet is proof of that. Meanwhile 54% said they could go without junk food, showing once again that no Americans participated in the survey. When it comes to booze, a whopping 48% said they would be OK without it, as long as they got 24 more hours of being paid not to work.
When facing solid, nearly incontrovertible proof of driving while intoxicated, your options are limited. Basically, you can either hang it up and consider yourself a pedestrian for the near future. Or, like Kenneth Desormes, you can look at the sh*t sandwich you ordered from life and try to take a great big bite out of it.
We salute Mr. Desormes’ man-of-action decision-making, even though there was no chance in the world it would work. It’s not like printing a file automatically deletes it from the police computer system.
The mid-term election campaign that ended yesterday was one of the most expensive in American history, and no one even cared about it. Just imagine how much worse it will be in two years! But the spending is nothing compared to what we spend on beer.
The National Sleep Foundation took a break from fine-tuning their numerical mattress firmness rating system to warn people about driving while sleepy. According to their data, “more than one-third of drivers say they’ve fallen asleep on the roads, and an estimated 12 and a half percent of fatal crashes involve drowsy driving.”
So, the next time you’re driving home late at night, be sure to drink plenty of Red Bull and Vodkas first.