Category: Booze News

| Filed under Booze News

Booze bans kill people, study says

It’s 2016, and yet for some reason there are parts of the country that don’t serve alcohol, and many of them aren’t even in Utah. And now we know that local bans on booze have a real cost of human lives.

Researchers at the University of California, San Francisco examined hospital admission data across the U.S., and found that dry counties counties have a much higher rate of heart attacks and congestive heart failure. That means that being sober is bad for your heart. Wet counties had liver problems and a heart problem called atrial fibrillation, but this is America, your risk of a heart attack is far worse than some lesser disease.

Once again, make sure you’re drinking your daily recommended dose of booze. It could save your life.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Ancient Chinese frat party unearthed

China gets credit for doing a lot of important things first, such as noodles and gunpowder. Now it seems the Chinese can add beer to that list, too.

Researchers have uncovered what they believe are instruments used to brew beer some 5,000 years ago. They found pottery resembling stuff used to brew in ancient times, only this is older. Archaeologists also found a funnel, so it stands to reason that the Chinese invented the beer bong, too.

Residue of ancient beer was found on all of the equipment, which considering how old beer smells, must have been downright skunky.

| Filed under Booze News

U.S. shows the world how to drink

Captain America represents the best drinker in all of us.
Captain America represents the best drinker in all of us.

America prides itself on not being the rest of the world. Ask anyone who’s never traveled and they’ll tell you that the U.S. is the greatest country in the world. Raise a glass, fellow Americans, today we are truly special.

According to a new study, the world decided to cut back a bit on drinking, leaving the U.S. to keep the party going on its own as the only country to drink more. A worldwide decline in alcohol sales hasn’t been seen in recent memory, and the U.S. proudly kept such a tragedy from occurring in 2015, as booze sales rose by near 1 billion liters over the previous year.

If the rest of the world wants to cut back on the drinky-drinky, that’s just more beer for us.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

A bald eagle can deliver you beer this summer

Companies like Amazon and Google are trying to make deliveries by drone a thing, a brewery wants to deliver you beer with a frigging eagle.

Provided all the permits come through, Phillips Brewing & Malting will have a bald eagle deliver a sixer of its new lager to a few lucky people in June. That if officially the most American thing ever. Which is why it’s nothing short of tragic that all of this is happening in Canada. It turns out that Phillips Brewing is located in Vancouver, and the contest is only for locals.

However, we’re pretty sure that Seattle is flyable for a bald eagle, so Americans might be able to make this work.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Your spouse keeps you sober, science says

Do you drink a lot? Are you worried that your drinking habits are slowly turning into alcoholism? Get married — it will fix everything.

According to a new study, being married can significantly reduce your risk of becoming an alcoholic, like, 53% lower if you’re a dude, and 73% if you’re a woman. Despite what every hack comedian says, your spouse doesn’t drive you to drink, they actually make you want to drink less. But you should still enjoy World Whisky Day tomorrow.

Except if your spouse is cheating. The study found you’re really likely to turn to booze if that’s your situation.

| Filed under Booze News, Sex Sells

Science: Your drunk sperm will affect your baby

One of the worst parts about being pregnant, aside from knowing that one day your genitals will explode, is the months on end of sobriety. Sure, the cool doctors say you can have a glass of wine every now and then, but that’s like having a bite of cake while everyone else has their own slice. Turns out that dudes can also negatively affect their unborn children by drinking.

According to researchers at Georgetown University, your drinking behavior may affect your child well before you even get around to making him or her. All that drinking must do something to your swimmers, because there’s mounting evidence that it can increase a baby’s risk of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder.

So the new game plan for making a baby is to abstain from alcohol, but get her to drink because she won’t be able to later on, and you know how red wine gets her going.

| Filed under Booze News

Synthetic wine ushers in bright new future for mankind

Out of all the drinkers out there, wine snobs are the worst (followed closely by beer snobs and mixologists). They are so concerned about the wine they are ingesting, and making sure they correctly identify all of the correct notes, and agree with other elite wine drinkers on what does and doesn’t taste good, that they forget that it’s just booze.

That’s why we’re happy to learn that you can make wine without grapes, yeast, barrels, aging or anything else that you think goes into making wine. Ava Winery in California has made a synthetic wine using the correct amounts of water, chemical flavorings and ethanol. By doing this, you can make a wine with the same flavor profile as anything else out there.

Or you could just buy a box of wine and get over yourself.

| Filed under Booze News

Blackout your schedule this weekend

Star Wars fans had a day; now Trekkies get theirs.
Star Wars fans had a day; now Trekkies get theirs.

You’d think that, were there a World Whiskey Day, it would be on May the Fifth to help us all come down from an entire day of Star Wars puns. You’d tell your friends, “May the fifth be with you,” do a shot and, if there’s still any of the Force left in the room, cut off their arms because “Jack doesn’t like you; I don’t like you, either.”

Well, there is a World Whisky Day (“whisky” being British for “too drunk to use superfluous vowels for once”), but it’s on the third Saturday of every May. So, uh, May the Twenty-First be with you.

Since we’ve missed the past 30 or so years, we have a lot of making up to do this Saturday. Blackout your calendars accordingly.

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

Budweiser finishing what Trump started

Only pinkos and degenerates drink Miller or Coors.
Budweiser: the best beer. The greatest, classiest beer you’ve ever shotgunned. We promise you.

Not that we care what other countries think of us (if their citizens mattered, they’d live here), but they’re a little concerned with how easily we nominated Donald Trump as one of two candidates to run our government/basically the world. The Republican primary race wasn’t even close, no matter how long Kasich thought just staying in was 90 percent of winning.

As if in the beer aisle, Americans looked at the GOP’s offerings, and — after briefly considering giving the dark stout one a shot — shrugged, said “f*ck it” and pulled the lever for the Budweiser of candidates.

And, now that America has people all over the world wondering if we’ve really lost our minds that badly, Anheuser-Busch is ready to relabel Budweiser as “America” for the summer. Sure, it’s probably the best-selling beer in America, but should we celebrate that?

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Hops can make you thin, science says

One day, beer will help you lose weight. We live in the midst of a craft beer renaissance. It seems like every day there is a report of a new brewery opening up nearby. Americans are in love with craft beer, so it shouldn’t be long before a beer can make you thin.

Scientists have found that xanthohumol, which is found in hops, can aid in weight loss. According to a recent study, the compound can help you lose weight, but you’d need to drink 3,500 pints per day to feel the effects. We’re guessing at that point the benefits of xanthohumol would be outweighed by the health effects of drinking a brewery dry. The hope is that one day science can make this stuff into capsules or something as a weight loss supplement. The Guys are waiting for a clever brewer to pack as much xantho–whatever, we’re drunk–into a beer to make it a viable solution.

Unless you’re Rick Snee, you like hoppy beers, so there’s hope for you. This is why Rick is so fat.