Athletes tend to celebrate pretty hard after wining the championship, and rightly so. But sometimes they overdo it, and that’s where the real fun begins.
The World Athletics Championships, which is apparently a thing, is going on in Beijing right now. It sounds like the Olympics’ smaller, less-expensive brother. In Beijing, Pawel Fajdek of Poland won the gold medal in the hammer throw, and he was excited about it. According to Chinese media reports, Pajdek celebrated his victory at a restaurant and got so drunk that he paid the cab driver with his medal.
When he woke up the next day, he contacted authorities about his missing medal, which was eventually tracked down. Fajdek, of course, denies the whole thing.
We salute you, Fajdek. Today you are not only a champion of the hammer throw, you are a champion of getting hammered.
At this point it just seems absurd that the entire island of Great Britain hasn’t been evacuated.
As if the snail volcanoes and killer seagulls weren’t bad enough, now the Brits are being attacked by drunken wasps. Researchers say a mild winter and spring in the U.K. led to a large number of German wasps this summer. The population boom has meant that worker wasps can’t find work, so instead they go on a bender. They eat a lot of fermented fruit and get drunk, and when they get drunk, they get aggressive.
So basically, the Brits can’t stay outside for long this summer because there are so many wasps swerving their way through the skies looking for a fight. It’s that bad, and we’re still a month away from Oktoberfest.
General Mills and the Fulton brewery have joined forces to produce HefeWheaties — a slight variation on the hefeweizen, a German beer recipe that is 50 percent made from fermented wheat — that combines marketing forces with the breakfast of champions: little chocolate donuts Wheaties.
Neither company has announced whether they will feature famous sports figures on the cans, but The Guys’ vote is for John Daly and Bob Ueker.
What’s the worst part about drinking? Having to move the glass to your lips and pour your drink down your throat, then putting the glass back down. What a hassle! One London bar is putting a stop to it.
When you walk into Alcoholic Architecture, you don’t drink at all. You just sit there and absorb the booze through your skin and lungs. The pub sprays a mist of gin and tonic (it’s England) into the air. That way, you don’t need to wait for the liquor to work its way through your digestive system–who wants to wait 20 minutes, anyway? Instead, it gets pumped directly into your system.
The place is considered a pop-up bar, probably because it will get shut down soon.
You’re lucky to be a drunk in the U.S. That is, of course, if you’re reading this in the U.S., and a drunk. People who like to bend an elbow don’t have it so lucky in other parts of the world.
In remote parts of Australia, people are using Vegemite to make booze. The spread contains yeast, so desperate Aussies who want a buzz use it to make the Australian equivalent of bathtub gin. This had led to calls to limit Vegemite purchases, which in turn led to a panic to keep Vegemite legal. This is a serious issue.
But not as serious as the situation in Venezuela, where they are slowing beer production because of a shortage of the grains and hops necessary to brew. Understandably, the nation is freaking out.
Is it time for the craft beer movement to come to an end? The Guys really enjoy beer, especially the kind of beer than isn’t crappy. But there’s a part of the craft brewing movement that’s all about extreme things. And it might just have hit its limit.
If the extreme brewing sect ends, you can trace it back to New Zealand, specifically, a stout brewed with elk semen. Choice Bros. calls it a “milked” stout. (Get it guys? Get it? Milked!) It’s been brewed for the Green Man Pub in Wellington, which apparently does something like these every couple years. Back in 2011, it was apple-infused horse semen shots, in 2013, they served syringes of stag semen.
So if you think ingesting alcohol mixed with the seminal fluids of an animal sounds like a good time, here’s your new favorite bar.
Japan’s space program may not get as much attention as ours or the Russians’, but, brother, do they have their interstellar priorities straight. And by “straight,” we mean straight whisky.
Japanese distillery Suntory plans to send five kinds of whiskey, as well as a 40% ethanol, to the International Space Station to see how they mature in microgravity. There, the booze will embark on a several year mission to seek out more complicated tones and potentially mellower flavors, to boldly nose like they have not nosed before. NASA officials and Suntory spokespeople did not mention whether they believe exposure to cosmic rays will make the whiskies more fantastic like the Fantastic Four or just become a lot of empty marketing for something ultimately flavorless like the Fantastic Four movies.
A Georgia man came home from one night to an unwelcome surprise: his estranged wife was sitting there in his house. But he didn’t have the worst surprise of the night.
The woman told her husband that she had grabbed a plastic bottle of moonshine labeled “apple cinnamon” from underneath his sink (apparently that’s where you keep the hootch), and started to feel dizzy after she drank some of it. Her husband then told her that it wasn’t moonshine. She had drunk car air freshener. She was rushed to the hospital.
For the record, it’s a lot easier to rhyme “turpentine” than “car air freshener.”
If you’re an American and you enjoy drinking, you should move to Wisconsin, where you will always be among friends.
According to a recent study, cheeseheads are the biggest drinkers in the country, with 65.03% of residents there reporting having at least one drink in the past 30 days, 24% of Wisconsinites said they have had more than four drinks in a night in that period. Does 65% of people in a state having had a drink in the past month sound incredibly low to anyone else? Especially because that’s the highest in the country.
It’s worth noting that Washington, D.C. residents trailed close behind Wisconsin in both categories. The Guys are making a difference.