Category: Booze News

| Filed under Booze News

Canadian Navy no longer has beer machines on its ships

It’s probably fun to serve in the Canadian Navy. You just hang out with a bunch of your buddies on a cruise and occasionally shoot at polar bears, we assume. But it’s going to be a little less cool now.

Canadian sailors won’t be allowed to drink when they are off duty any more. In fact, they can only drink on special occasions with the captain’s permission. Apparently they had beer vending machines on their ships, which is an awesome idea, but no longer.

In the Canadian Navy, you can sail the sober seas.

| Filed under Booze News

Beer can be used as tasty, refreshing weapon

Do you have a problem with rowdy youths in your neighborhood? Is it a huge risk for you just to talk to the store to buy a couple things at night? Then you should try beer.

A 50-year-old Boston-area man was able to scare off some knife-wielding teens armed with nothing but a shopping bag with beer in it. You’d think the would-be muggers would just take the beer, but whatever.

| Filed under Booze News

Study: You come from a family of drinkers going back 10 million years

Raise a glass to your ancestor from 10 million years ago. It’s because of them that you and drink in the first place.

We’ve known that people have gotten drunk for thousands of years, scientists even credit beer as the reason we have civilization in the first place, but we didn’t know how far back we’d been buzzed. Turns out, human ancestors were first able to process alcohol about 10 million years ago by eating fermented fruit. That doesn’t mean that some ape-man grabbed rotting fruit and figured out it made him feel all spinny, it means that some ape-man ate rotting fruit, and hurled it up because he couldn’t process it. He kept trying and trying, and so did generations after him, until one day his ape-man ancestor was able to eat rotting fruit and not puke, allowing him to eat more and more.

Perseverance. Pass it on.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Birds get so drunk that they can’t fly

In the wilderness, you have problems you just don’t see anywhere else. When you live in the wilderness of Yukon, Canada, things get even weirder–like drunken-birds weird.

Birds are getting drunk on berries that have been fermented by frost. They get so drunk that they can’t fly correctly, and fly into people’s windows, houses and cars. The drunken onslaught is likely to continue until either the berries are gone, or the birds join AA.

In other news, you can totally get drunk off of frost-fermented berries.

| Filed under Booze News, Sex Sells

Survey: People value vacation time way more than they should

Everyone wishes they had more vacation time (except for Americans, who don’t use a great deal of theirs), but some of them want it so much that they would give up on the things that make vacations so much fun.

According to a not-very-scientific survey, nearly a quarter of workers would go without sex for just one more day of vacation. That’s just crazy talk, the internet is proof of that. Meanwhile 54% said they could go without junk food, showing once again that no Americans participated in the survey. When it comes to booze, a whopping 48% said they would be OK without it, as long as they got 24 more hours of being paid not to work.

This is what’s wrong with the world.

| Filed under Booze News, Facepalm

Cunning while intoxicated

Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.
Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.

When facing solid, nearly incontrovertible proof of driving while intoxicated, your options are limited. Basically, you can either hang it up and consider yourself a pedestrian for the near future. Or, like Kenneth Desormes, you can look at the sh*t sandwich you ordered from life and try to take a great big bite out of it.

After being brought into a New York state trooper station on suspicion of DWI, Desormes’ breathalyzer results were printed out. He seized the opportunity and tried to eat the incriminating paperwork that said that his blood alcohol content measured 0.13 percent — well above the legal limit of 0.08. He, however, did not get the whole thing down and troopers added charges of obstructing governmental administration and criminal tampering.

We salute Mr. Desormes’ man-of-action decision-making, even though there was no chance in the world it would work. It’s not like printing a file automatically deletes it from the police computer system.

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry to the Capitol

Why you heard burps in the voting booth yesterday

The mid-term election campaign that ended yesterday was one of the most expensive in American history, and no one even cared about it. Just imagine how much worse it will be in two years! But the spending is nothing compared to what we spend on beer.

Some estimates have spending for this election as high as $3.67 billion on Congressional campaigning. That may sound like a lot, but it’s dwarfed by the $59.9 billion we came together as a drunken nation to spend on beer last year, according to the Bureau of Economic Analysis.

And that is why more political campaigns need to give out koozies.

| Filed under Snooze News

An SG first: Snooze News

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit espresso."
“Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit not taking Ambien.”

The National Sleep Foundation took a break from fine-tuning their numerical mattress firmness rating system to warn people about driving while sleepy. According to their data, “more than one-third of drivers say they’ve fallen asleep on the roads, and an estimated 12 and a half percent of fatal crashes involve drowsy driving.”

So, the next time you’re driving home late at night, be sure to drink plenty of Red Bull and Vodkas first.

Oh, and maybe sign their pledge to not sleep and drive.*

*Signing the pledge while drowsy-surfing is still binding, so Internet alertly.

| Filed under Booze News

No more drinking to forget: booze helps memories

When your grandfather gets drunk at the next family gathering, lay off him, he’s improving his health.

According to a recent study, drinking alcohol later in life can help preserve memories. If you’re over 60, moderate drinking has been found to help the brain’s ability to remember specific events. However, it does not make using technology any simpler.

Start drinking today, you’ll remember to thank yourself in your golden years.