Category: Booze News

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

One day we will travel to a beer planet

When scientists make a discovery, they can name that thing pretty much whatever they want. There don’t seem to be any real naming rules for stuff, and that’s how we end up with spiders being named for a hat in Harry Potter. Fortunately, a lot of researchers out there like booze.

A group of researchers at Belgium’s University of Liege are big fans of Trappist beers, so much so that they named a planetary system after them. TRAPPIST-1 is a short 40 light-years away, and has seven Earth-size planets, and three of them could even support life. And now, each of the planets bears the name of a Trappist brewery, such as Chimay, Westmalle and Spencer.

Trappist beers come from monasteries that brew their own beer as a means of financially supporting themselves. They have a certification and everything. It makes sense that a bunch of dudes hanging out for the rest of their lives would figure out how to make beer on the side.

Unfortunately, this means that it’s inevitable that some American scientist will discover the planet Budweiser.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Education

Apparently teachers aren’t allowed to drink in class

Teaching is hard work. Just ask any teacher, they will be happy to tell you about how underappreciated they are, and why they should be making more money. These people really enjoy their lives. And it’s because teaching is so hard that they should be able to drink on the job. But we don’t live in a just world.

In South Carolina, a substitute teacher was arrested for drinking in front of high school students in class. According to authorities, the woman had a box of wine in her purse, which is saying something about the size of her purse.

Now, the spoilsports will point to the fact that the substitute teacher drank so much that she was throwing up, and had to be removed from class in a wheelchair because she was unable to walk, but we would argue otherwise. What better way to keep the youth of America from drinking than by getting wasted in front of them and puking in class. If teachers aren’t cool, then everything they do isn’t cool, including getting blitzed.

| Filed under Booze News

Is there booze in your chicken nuggets?

Chicken nuggets are the food of choice for small child and lazy bachelor alike. They provide just enough meat under all that breading to make us feel like we’re eating something of substance. But in light of Subway’s chicken only being half chicken, are we sure that our chicken is really chicken?

In Michigan, a county commissioner blamed chicken nuggets for his DUI arrest. According to authorities, Montcalm County Commissioner Jeremy Miller was pulled over for speeding, and tested for a 0.14 BAC. When he was arrested for driving under the influence, he said it was “because I was being stupid, those damn chicken nuggets.”

This begs the question, what if there really was booze in the man’s chicken nuggets? Where can you order these things? Can you make them at home, like you inject vodka into watermelons? The world must know.

| Filed under Booze News

Utahans may finally see drinks being poured

Flair is the devil’s acrobatics!

If you read this blog, there’s a fair chance that you don’t like in Utah. We say this because it sounds like Utah is an awful place for drinkers. For example, it’s a state law that bars and restaurants must pour your alcoholic beverage from behind a wall, so it’s out of your sight.

But that could all change, now that a state lawmaker has proposed a bill to end the so-called “Zion Wall.” Rep. Brad Wilson wants places that serve alcoholic beverages to be able to pour the drinks in an open area, as opposed to the current system, where the bartender could be putting his penis in your drink, for all you know. Instead, drinks could be poured in view of customers, but anyone under 21 could have to be 10 feet back from the area where they are poured. This is important, because even though they’re encouraged to marry by that age, there’s no reason why Mormons under 21 should see the sexiness of a drink being poured.

The Guys are firmly in favor of tearing down walls.

| Filed under Booze News

Science: Booze is booze is booze

If you see a difference between these drinks, you’re biased.

It’s Valentine’s Day, and whether that means you’re drinking wine with your lover, or pounding cheap whiskey mixed with tears because you’re alone, your body treats it all the same.

According to researchers, your body can’t tell the difference between the alcohol in one drink from another. Which means if tequila makes your clothes fall off, the same amount of alcohol from hard cider will, too. The real factor is how much alcohol is in your drink, and how much alcohol is going into your system.

So don’t worry about buying the good stuff. Once it’s past your tongue, your body doesn’t know if it’s rotgut or septuple-distilled vodka.

 

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

2017: A Booze Odyssey

One small batch for man, one giant beer run for mankind.

The Guys are all about space travel … so long as we work out a few hitches first. Most notably: the distinct lack of sustainable alcohol supplies up there in the void.

Bringing your own vodka with you like a cosmonaut is fine if you only plan to backpack to low Earth orbit for a weekend. But, for extended stays on the moon and beyond? Let’s just say we don’t want to risk over-reliance on resupply missions from an organization that prizes buzzcuts more than getting buzzed. (Yes, we mean you, NASA.)

Fortunately, UC San Diego undergrads are on the space case race. Team Original Gravity, a group of engineering students, hope to win a trip into space to brew our first lunar beer. They are competing for a spot on TeamIndus’ moonlander against 25 other finalists, so they could use our help with sponsorships.

Of course, we’re pulling all support if they go up there and make another g*ddamn IPA. (You’ve been warned, Team OG.)

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Science: Only hack-proof security is being drunk

It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.

There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.

Your drunk brain is completely unhackable.

| Filed under Booze News

Whiskey-flavored coffee is made for people who have given up on life

The Guys are big fans of coffee and whiskey. And if you read this blog, there’s a decent chance you like them, too. You may even like putting whiskey in your coffee. Now you can enjoy the taste of both without having to mix them yourself.

Jack Daniel’s flavored coffee is now a real thing. The famous distiller teamed up with World of Coffee, which we assume does coffee stuff, to bring us Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey Coffee. There’s no alcohol in it. It’s all of the fun of drinking coffee with some hootch in it, without the shame of drinking it at work. This seems like the perfect gift for the alcoholic in your life who’s trying to cut back.

There’s even a decaffeinated version, in case you don’t want to have any fun in life, you just want to your tastebuds to think that you’re cool.

| Filed under Booze News

Budweiser, Keurig want you to make instant beer

If only we could just drink one at a time somehow.

It is truly a wonderful time to be alive. There are thousands of different craft beers released every day–so many that you will never come close to trying them all, because even if you had access and money to buy them all, you’d probably die of some alcohol-related illness. And soon, we could have an instant beer maker.

Anheuser-Busch InBev, one of the world’s largest brewers, and Keurig, maker of the machine that lets you make one cup of coffee at a time, have teamed up to make a machine that makes single-serving beer. This is a genius move. Drinkers have always said that the problem with beer is that it’s not readily available for purchase in single-serving sizes. You have to brew a whole pot of beer and then drink it all. And no one wants to drink more than one beer.

Critics will say there’s no way to make a decent beer instantly, but AB-InBev didn’t make billions of dollars by trying to make decent beers.

| Filed under Booze News

Craft beer’s war isn’t with Bud, it’s with bud

Washington state, Oregon and Colorado are home to some of the finest craft breweries in the country, but beer isn’t selling like it used to in those states, thanks to marijuana.

According to a new report, residents in those states are increasingly choosing weed over suds. Legalized marijuana has allowed more choices for those who want a buzz, which means people aren’t picking up as much craft beer as they used to. Data shows that beer sales haven’t matched expectations in the past two years, meanwhile, marijuana sales are high. (GET IT?)

But all this really means is that the brewery that makes a smokable beer will be  very rich.