Bar robbed at gunpoint, patrons don’t care

What’s great about a bar is that you can go out and have a good time drinking with your friends. What’s bad about a bar is that other people exist. Studies have shown that not talking to strangers in a bar decreases your odds of getting in a fight. Unfortunately, it also means you miss when something cool happens.

In Florida, two robbers, one armed with a shotgun, the other carrying a rifle, took money from a bar and walked out, all while patrons in the bar kept drinking. The robbery happened at about 1:30 a.m. last Sunday, which may help explain why so many people didn’t see it happen or just didn’t care. The bar owner said people kept ordering drinks during the robbery.

We’ve had nights like those.

Zima is back in case you want to punish yourself

Learn from our mistakes, kids.

Despite the fact that it is an awful thing, food nostalgia refuses to go away. Last year we saw Ecto Cooler and Crystal Pepsi returned to stores. This year, 1990s-era malt beverage Zima will be sold again for some reason.

Yes, Zima, the grandfather of Smirnoff Ice, has been brought back by MillerCoors. Luckily, it’s only for a limited time. Zima first came on the market in 1993. It was marketed as a citrusy clear malt beverage answering to the wine cooler craze of its era. According to MillerCoors, production of Zima stopped in 2008, although no one had seen it in the wild for nearly a decade by then.

This sugary, throwback alcoholic drink is sure to be a summer hit with high schoolers who have fake IDs.

Ancient letter: Send more wine

A long time ago, if you wanted to communicate with someone who wasn’t within shouting distance, you had to write something down and have someone physically carry your message to them. Think of it as e-mail, but without the E. And because of one of these cell phone-less text messages, we now know that soldiering in 600 B.C. was thirsty work.

In 1965, archaeologists in modern-day Israel found a shard of a pot with some writing on it. It turned out to be a letter from one soldier to another. (This was ancient times, and pottery was shattering all the time, so using shards for stationery was apparently a common thing.) But since the letter was more than 2,500 years old, the writing had faded a bit. Researchers using modern technology were able to uncover the previously hidden message and it’s a request for more wine. The letter also talks about other goods and a trade, but really hammers home that the author really needs more wine, and the recipient should be a chum and ship him some.

What’s even better is that the soldiers could be talking about beer, not wine. Grapes don’t grow in the Middle East, so it’s more likely that it was an alcoholic drink made from the grains that do grow there, maybe even honey. Translations of these ancient words were done centuries later by people who drank wine because trade was way better and it was a status symbol. They saw some ancient word for an alcoholic beverage and thought “wine,” when it was probably a drink closer to beer.

This shard could be evidence of the first beer run.

Peacock attack on liquor store leaves dozens sober

It’s summertime, and that means it’s time to sit outside and enjoy a fine beverage. Unfortunately it also means that animals are out trying to ruin our fun.

In a Los Angeles suburb called Arcadia, a liquor store was attacked by a peacock that wandered in. You are no doubt a smart person, since you read this blog, so you are probably wondering why a peacock was roaming free when they’re not a native species. Turns out there is a small population of them that run wild in Arcadia and they are protected, because L.A.

According to reports, the peacock entered the liquor store and immediately went after the store manager. The bird then flapped around for another 90 minutes as an animal control officer tried to catch it with a net. The bird knocked over bottles the whole time, and according to the store, about $500 worth of booze was shattered by the bird.

Because of the damage, many citizens in Arcadia will be forced to go sober. And after all this, the bird wasn’t even arrested.

World is drinking less, despite Guys’ best efforts

We can’t do this alone, people.

Global alcohol sales were down 1.3% last year, and no one knows why. The world economy has been improving, and global gross domestic product was up 3.1%, which should mean that people around the world have the cash to go boozing, but they just aren’t.

It gets worse. In the U.S., which we don’t need to tell you is still in a craft beer renaissance, beer volumes are dropping because we’re not drinking as much. Over at Big Beer hegemon Anheuser-Busch Inbev, only Budweiser and Bud Light were able to stop the freefall they’ve been in for years.

The good news is that more Americans appear to be drinking liquor again, especially whiskey.

Citizens of the world, The Guys need your help. The brewers and distillers, heck, maybe even the winemakers, of the world are making booze for us to drink. Those bottles aren’t going to empty themselves. Let’s get to work.

Germany builds beer pipeline because Germany

Not even a beer pipeline is immune to tribal protests.

In the future, we won’t have to worry about beer being shipped from point A to point B (even though we all love a beer truck accident). It will just come out of the pipes. We’re pleased to tell you that the future is here, but only in a certain part of Germany.

If you’re planning on going to the Wacken Open Air music festival in the German state of Schleswig-Holstein, you’ll be sipping a brew brought to you through a four-mile-long pipeline. The thinking is that there is so much beer consumed at this festival that it’s much easier to move the beer through a buried pipeline than it is to constantly haul in a bunch of kegs.

You ever order a beer when the bar is changing the keg? Imagine that, except the keg line that’s all foamed up is four miles long. You’re going to be waiting a while.

Drink your tits off

In the decision between heart and breast health, The Guys are firm believers that it’s what’s under your ribs that count.

Not to be a buzz kill, but a new report from the World Cancer Research Fund and the American Institute for Cancer Research reinforces a connection between daily drinking and breast cancer. And not in the good way like daily drinking and heart health. More like daily drinking and liver health.

According to research, sipping an impossibly small amount of alcohol a day — like, who only drinks a small glass of wine or only 8 ounces (half a pint) of beer? — corresponded with “a 5% increased breast cancer risk in premenopausal women and 9% increase in postmenopausal women.”

So, for those keeping score at home, the score between drinking and not drinking remains dead even. If that doesn’t call for a drink, we don’t know what does.

Man passes out on parked car, wakes up traveling down interstate

It’s something we all learn in driver’s ed: when you get in your car, check your mirrors to make sure there’s no drunk person passed out on your trunk.

In Memphis, a couple had a sinking feeling when they got pulled over on the interstate, but it turned out not to be for a driving infraction. The police officer who pulled them over asked them if they knew that there was a body on top of their trunk. They did not.

They soon discovered that a drunk guy had passed out on their car in a downtown parking lot, and because the couple didn’t notice him there, he laid there, curled up and unconscious, for 14 miles on the interstate.

Police haven’t charged the drunk man, which is good, because there is no way they have a law on the books against having someone else drive you home when you’re drunk.

Study: Journalists’ brains don’t work good due to booze, caffeine

Journalists are all idiots, just ask your average Fox News viewer. In terms of popularity, journalists often poll lower than lawyers, but still ahead of members of Congress. Now, scientists believe they have figured out why reporters are so dumb.

According to a study, journalists’ brains are inhibited because they drink so much alcohol and caffeine. Neuroscientist Tara Swart found that their brains’ executive functioning skills were lower, which was attributed to dehydration (from alcohol), caffeine, and foods high in sugar. However, their brains were better able to spot patterns that weren’t immediately obvious.

Even the dumbest of journalists will point out that the study has not been peer-reviewed, and had a sample size of just 31. This drunken, jittery reporter is happy to donate his brain to science if there’s another round of tests.

Taking the piss out of calling beer ‘piss’

And then pour it on barley … but don’t drink that cocktail!

The average temperature of the Earth is rising, as are the oceans from heat expansion and melting polar ice. And now we’re recycling urine for drinking. Oh, to live in the universe where Waterworld was the top grossing summer blockbuster of 1995 and we took sustainable steps to prevent climate change.

Instead, here we are, learning to make beer from piss, probably so we can forget about our nearly entirely plastic island in the Pacific.

A Danish brewer used barley fertilized with processed urine collected from a music festival to brew Pisner, a pilsner beer. The beer itself contains no urine, despite all the stout- and porter-lovers’ claims that it might taste like it. Denmark’s Agriculture and Food Council is using it as proof of concept for the terrible, urine-soaked world of our future where everything is grown with fewer resources.

So, thanks, critics and theater goers of 1995 who didn’t make Waterworld the global wake-up call it should have been. Especially if you did go see Avatar multiple times — a blatant rip-off of Kevin Costner’s other opus, Dances with Wolves.

In short, we all owe Mr. Costner a beer.