Now we’re letting animals choose our beer for us

The U.S. craft beer market is pretty well saturated, and it’s no secret that this is forcing breweries to do some stunts to get attention from the public. But this (and sparkle beer) is where we draw the line.

A brewery in Los Angeles will soon introduce a beer whose ingredients were picked out by a bear. We’ve gotten to the point that we need animals to select what kind of beer we’re going to drink.

Earlier this month, Simmzy’s brewery placed several different ingredients near a bear at the L.A. Zoo. The bear chose hibiscus flower and honey. And so the bear’s honey-hibiscus beer will be available next month as part of a beer fundraiser.

Maybe Japanese brewers can have their psychic octopus pick beer ingredients. Oh wait.

Bear lives it up in hot tub drinking margaritas

Despite all the songs, shows and movies promoting it, living in California sounds pretty awful. You’ve got droughts, wildfires, earthquakes and Sacramento. And now you have bears stealing your booze.

A Southern California couple was relaxing with some margaritas in the pair’s backyard hot tub, when there was a bustling in the hedges. They were able to retreat into the house before a large bear came out and took over their party. The bear hopped into the hot tub, then knocked over the margaritas and licked them up. Not cool, bear. Not cool.

Of course, Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department claims to have searched for the bear but was unable to find it. Bet they would have searched harder if it was a black bear.

Drunk seagulls terrorize British beachgoers

Another summer, another assault on Britons by aggressive and unruly seagulls. This year, they’re getting drunk and rowdy.

In South West England, seagulls are getting drunk off of half-full (or half-empty) alcoholic drinks that people abandon on the beach. Which is concerning first, because if you can’t finish a drink, you shouldn’t order it in the first place, Nigel.

These drunken seagulls caw loudly, and probably say some crude stuff to women on the boardwalk. Firefighters were called when one seagull fell off of a roof and was too drunk to fly. The bird then threw up on a firefighter.

The seagull and two of his friends were taken in to the drunk tank.

Australians drink Russian town dry

The World Cup has begun — at least that’s what we’ve been told. And host nation Russia is under an invasion from drunken Australians. After watching just one match for their home country, the Aussies drank the bars dry.

A large number of Australians traveled to Kazan, Russia, where the Australians played their first match. The relatively small town was swamped with Aussie soccer fans, who drank well into the morning, despite their team losing. In fact, they drank at least two bars completely out of beer.

Whether Australia makes it to the finals, the nation is already one of heroes.

Truck spills booze, luckily it was only Fireball

Speaking of Fireball, who’s ready for a good truck spill story? We know Mr. Worldwide is.

In Arkansas, Interstate 40 was backed up because two trucks collided. One caught on fire, the other spilled a whole bunch of Fireball “whiskey” on the road. The westbound lanes of the highway were covered in miniature bottles of Fireball, which probably made the scene of the accident smell like a 13-year-old boy who just discovered Axe.

The drivers were not seriously injured, although many onlookers complained of a burning mouth.

Bourbon brewed with beaver butts

We go pretty hard on beer for being made with weird stuff these days, but generally, new ingredients make beer good. The same cannot be said for liquor. Anyone who isn’t in college and takes a sip of one of those sugary flavored liquors can tell you that.

So how about a nice bourbon made with the secretions from a beaver’s anus? Tamworth Distilling is releasing Eau De Musc, a bourbon with castoreum, which is a natural flavoring. It also comes from grands located on a beaver’s butt.

Well, it’s still better than Fireball.

City wants to force sobriety during hurricanes

When a storm hits, it’s time to crack one open, but that won’t be the case any longer for one Florida city.

Cape Coral, Florida has passed an ordinance banning the sale of beer during a state of emergency. The iron hand of the city wants to keep people off the roads during a hurricane, especially when it comes to making a beer run. The city has already had the ability to ban the sales of other kinds of booze, but beer was still allowed — until now that is.

So start making your hurricane preparedness kit now. You don’t want to be caught sober when the storm moves in.

How to get free drinks for life: Get shot

Last week, there was a police involved shooting at a distillery/nightclub in Denver last weekend. That’s generally not fodder for a humor blog, is it? Well, the shooting was accidental, and it has a happy ending. We promise.

Last Saturday, an off-duty FBI agent was getting down on the dance floor, finishing off his moves with a backflip. The only problem is that during the backflip, the pistol in his waistband flew out. The agent immediately grabbed the gun, but pulled the trigger in the process, shooting someone probably in the foot.

Now, accidentally being shot by an off-duty FBI agent who shouldn’t have had his gun on him in the first place is kind of like winning the lottery on its own, because you know the feds are going to pay. But it gets even better, because the distillery has promised the victim free drinks for life.

See? Happy ending.

Science finally finds a negative health impact from drinking

Pretty much every other day, heavy-drinking scientists come out with a new study declaring the health benefits of boozing it up on the reg. But did you know that there is actually a negative health effect?

According to a new study, drinking alcohol isn’t always good for you. In fact, it can mess up the balance of good bacteria and bad bacteria in your mouth. Researchers found that drinking alcohol tends to kill the good bacteria in your mouth, which could lead to health problems later in life.

So why not have another round? You’re probably been drinking for so many years that you’re doomed anyhow.

Drunken mountain climbing is the hot new trend

The best part about a vacation is that you get to travel to a new place and drink there. The only down side is that if you get drunk, you may not find your way home. But that’s just part of the adventure, isn’t it?

An Estonian man on vacation in the Italian Alps got drunk and thought he was heading back to his hotel, but ended up hiking halfway up a mountain. According to reports, the drunk man took a wrong turn and headed up a hiking path, and was forced to break into a bar (divine providence!) to stay warm for the night.

He was found by bar staff the next morning with a great drinking story.