Now your beer can sparkle, contain a message

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

Drunk Americans keeping retail alive, study says

As a society, we should know that drinking and shopping is bad, but we don’t. We really, really don’t.

According to a recent survey, drunk Americans spend $30 billion a year in purchases. That works out to about $447.57 per drunky. That’s a lot of purchases to make in a year, under the influence or not.

So what are the smashed shoppers spending their money on? About half of the purchases are for food. The next most common purchases were on shoes, clothes and gambling. So basically, we buy stuff to sop up the booze we just drank, and then ladies go for shoes and clothes. No one gambles sober, so that’s just a wash.

So the next time you have a drink, ask yourself if you’re doing your part for the economy.

Beer, chips secret to longevity, 100-year-old says

Why do some people live to be very, very old? Science would argue that the odds of a few people out of a population of 6 billion living well beyond the normal age range is very high. But that doesn’t make for fun local news stories. If you love getting bad advice from old people, you’ll love this one.

Matilda Curcia of San Diego turned 100 last week, and of course she was asked what she attributes her longevity to. Her answer: beer and potato chips. She has a beer every night and three potato chips, and neither amount sounds worth living for. She also said she exercises every day.

We’ll stick with the beer and chips, thank you.

Study suggests we’re evolving to hate booze

Science is here again to tell us about the awful future. Hold on for this one, because it’s about a world without booze.

According to a recent study, humans may be evolving to have an aversion to alcohol. Researchers analyzed the genomes of 2,500 people from four different continents, and what they found will have you reaching for a bottle: a significant amount of people have gene variants that basically give them really bad hangovers. This condition is so bad that those who have these gene variants likely don’t drink much, if at all. If this gene variant spreads widely enough across the human population, we could one day turn into a race of teetotalers.

Wasn’t the next stage in human evolution supposed to give us laser eyes and telepathy?

Wine: The hot new trend in mouth wash

You’ve probably seen friends passing around a news story about how wine can increase your longevity. It doesn’t. It just says that people who are 90 or whatever and drink wine seem to be in better shape mentally than those who don’t. But science has found that wine might actually be good for the health of your mouth.

According to a recent study in Spain, some of the chemicals found in red wine can actually prevent tooth decay and gum disease. Polyphenols have been shown to kill harmful bacteria in your mouth, decreasing your chances of having mouth problems, aside from purple lips and teeth, and slurring your words. They have even been found to have positive effects on your gut bacteria.

The Guys aren’t dentists, but we recommend keeping a bottle of cabernet next to your toothbrush. It’s the only mouth wash that’s safe to swallow.

Jimmy Buffett doesn’t spend much time in Margaritaville

Jimmy Buffett, the living embodiment of baby boomers’ idea of a party, seems to have given up on his partying ways. But he still wants you to visit Margaritaville.

According to a recent profile of the guy who built a career off of a song about being drunk in a beach setting, the 71-year-old singer doesn’t really drink anymore. Basically, he’s too old and too busy touring and selling everything he can think to put “Margaritaville” on, to go hard like he used to. (The reason for the profile is his new musical on Broadway.) The timing of his cutting back seems fortuitous, since we’re about to have a tequila shortage.

But he’ll be happy to sell you whatever crap you want, or even let you live out your days in a Margaritaville retirement community.

We’re about to run out of tequila

Folks, we don’t want to alarm you, but if your weekend plans include drinking a margarita, make sure you enjoy it, because you may not get to have another one for a while. There’s a tequila shortage coming.

Just in time for Spring Break, the tequila industry in Mexico is having trouble keeping up with demand, as well as a supply crunch. Agave prices are six times higher than they were just two years ago. On top of that, the demand for tequila keeps going up. That means that distillers aren’t making the money they used to, and they don’t have enough agave plants to work with.

It’s so bad that some farmers have been forced to sell agave plants that aren’t fully mature and don’t produce as much tequila. That makes the supply shortage even worse.

And because agave plants take years to grow, it’s not likely that supply will catch up to demand any time soon. There’s always whiskey though.

Science: Booze is good for your brain

Large amounts of alcohol are known to have an ill effect on the brain (aside from headaches), but new research suggests that lower amounts can actually improve your brain function. That’s right, booze not only makes you feel smarter, it might actually make you smarter, too.

Researchers have found that lower amounts of alcohol, we’re talking a drink or two tops, can help improve the function of the glymphatic system, which helps clear waste from the body. Mice that were given small amounts of booze showed had less inflamed glial cells in the brain than mice that weren’t given a drop. Meaning, the alcohol actually helped the mice clean their brains faster than if they’d just stayed sober.

So if your brain could use a good cleaning, maybe relax with a couple drinks and let the booze do the work.

Don’t drink beer like the ancient Greeks

“Name an IPA after me, not that jerk Pliny.”

When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.

Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.

The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?

Beer news round up

Fact: We here at SG love beer. Truthfully, we’re probably more beer snobs than non-beer snobs, but if it’s amber and alcoholic, it’ll go down smooth enough. As such, we want to give you the news about beer whenever it’s out. The Guys like to think of it as giving back to the community.

For our fans that live in California, soon you may be able to drink longer. How is that a bad thing? Answer: it’s not.

But don’t worry, East Coast bar-hoppers, there’s news for you too. In New York, patrons of EVR will be able to use Bitcoin, the virtual currency, to pay for their drinks. Sure, it’s just more moon-math like Xbox Live points that make no sense, but why think when you can drink?

Regardless, be careful if you drink a lot. The Germans (retired and now doing science-y stuff after they bombed Pearl Harbor) have discovered arsenic in the filtering process for beer. United States researchers are saying it’s no big thing, as it’s always been there. Will it kill you? Will it not kill you? Who knows, but apparently the chemical makes the delectable nectar sparkle in the light. I’d say that’s a nice trade-off for potential death.