Category: Booze News

| Posted in Booze News

A deep breath that will actually relax you

Now you can drink OR huff booze from a paper bag.
Now you can drink OR huff booze from a paper bag.

Oh look, inhaling alcohol is back. But we won’t be swayed this time, we’ve had our hearts broken before, and there’s no doubt this will leave us, too. (We miss you, Palcohol!)

Try not to get too excited about the Vapshot. It turns the liquor of your choice into a vapor you can inhale, rather than drink. Why would you do such a thing? Because inhaling booze is a quicker and more efficient way to get the medicine into your system (the IV is still tops, but hasn’t really caught on in bars). So rather than doing a shot and waiting for it to get digested, you feel the effects immediately.

And because your lungs have been dying for abuse since you quit smoking.

| Posted in Booze News

Man falls out of train, paper more concerned about his beer

We to make fun of the news here at SG, but it’s very rare that we get to make fun of the news as well as how it’s being covered. Let’s see what the Moscow Times has for us today.

Challenging the widespread notion about the inherent goodness of man, passengers of a suburban train outside Moscow stole the luggage and finished the beer of a man who fell of the train ….

Great lead sentence. Who in Russia believes that people are inherently good? Aren’t they the ones who have to use dash cams in their cars because insurance fraud is so rampant? Still, that does suck for the guy to lose his beer and luggage like that.

The unlucky passenger was keeping the door of the moving train car open to get some fresh air in the unventilated vestibule, ….

He eventually dropped out at a turn in the road, leaving behind an unfinished beer, two car bumpers and a screw gun.

So no one at the inherently good Moscow Times thought to ask what happened to the man, but found out exactly what he was carrying with him? That is kind of weird luggage, though.

Train officials ignored requests to pick up the man’s belongings, the daily said on Friday.

This allowed an unnamed male passenger to finish the beer and make away with the bumpers and the power tool before train officials came.

Again, none of these inherently good people are concerned about the guy who FELL OUT OF A TRAIN. They just want his junk cleared out, but people driving the train don’t even want to be bothered with the man’s belongings. Also, thanks for clarifying that the guy who took the beer, bumpers and screw gun was unarmed. Was that a distinguishing thing because everyone else on the train was strapped?

| Posted in Booze News

Man plans to love Jack Daniel’s even in death

Sure, you love booze. (We’re just assuming that, based on the fact that you are visiting this site.) But do you love booze enough to be buried in it?

A man in England commissioned a casket shaped and painted to look like a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, because apparently he’s something of a fan. Anto Wickham spent some time in Iraq as a contractor, and saw a lot of nasty stuff. We don’t know if that’s why he drinks Tennessee whiskey, but we do know that he saw enough funerals to realize he doesn’t want his own to be a sober affair one day. The Jack casket is his way of lightening the mood.

A better war to lift mourners’ spirits is to actually have a bottle of Jack that size for everyone to enjoy.

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!

A microscopic worm can drink you under the table

Bad news, people. There exists a type of worm that can’t get drunk, and it’s all science’s fault.

Researchers at the University of Texas genetically engineered a type of roundworm that can’t get a buzz no matter how much it drinks. Stop for a minute, and think about how a group of scientists spent their workdays getting worms drunk, then contemplate how much your job sucks.

But it’s not all bad news. They say the discovery could one day lead to drugs that can block the effect of alcohol withdrawal (hangovers). It could even one day keep people from getting drunk at all, which sounds like hell.

| Posted in Booze News

Duking it out over ‘Duke’

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Personally, we wouldn’t mess with the Wayne family. They tend to get a little … batty when it comes to their parents’ legacy.

We’re this close to a John Wayne-themed bourbon. We just have to wait for the Wayne estate’s and Duke University’s lawyers to finish fighting over trademarks before we can finally drop shots of The Duke into glasses of Fess Parker wine.

Duke University is suing to protect their trademark, which they believe a whiskey named “The Duke” would violate, even if it was John Wayne’s nickname (the man was renown for his spectacular dumps) and the label features him and not a blue devil.

To confirm Duke’s lawyers’ fears, The Guys are a little confused about the brands, mostly because we all minored in whiskey while in college together.

| Posted in Booze News

Breaking news: People drinking at World Cup

In 2003, Brazil realized that its soccer fans were getting a bit too drunk and rowdy during matches, so it banned the sale of alcohol in “football” stadiums. (It would make more sense to ban soccer, but whatever.) But FIFA made Brazil end their prohibition for the World Cup.

Now, FIFA officials are surprised at how much drunkenness is going on. FIFA’s Jerome Valcke, whom we’re told is a high-ranking official, said during an interview that there may be too many drunk people at the matches, and that could lead to hooliganism.

This makes no sense to The Guys. Isn’t the point of watching sports, especially boring ones, to drink beer?

| Posted in Booze News

The drunkest states in the Union list is out

We’re doing our best, everyone, but The Guys can’t do it alone.

The not-biased-at-all-sounding National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism released a report this week listing the drunkest states in the Union per capita. Sadly, Virginia, where all four Guys reside, is not #1. We’re not even in the top half. Virginia is the 38th drunkest, consuming only 2.13 gallons of alcohol per capita in 2012, which makes us one of the preachy buzzkills at the party.

New Hampshire and Delaware took first and second, with 4.65 and 3.59 gallons per capita, respectively, but they’re gaming the system. They’re both small states with no tax charged on alcohol, so of course people will cross the board for their booze. New Hampshire has exits on either side of Interstate 95 specifically for liquor stores for travelers on their way to a better state to stop and drink in.

That means that third place, North Dakota, with 3.42 gallons, earns our respect. That state’s just drinking to keep warm.

| Posted in Booze News, War on Education

Sometimes a drunk teacher just wants food, OK?

It’s been a while since we’ve warned you about the dangers of education, but here’s a solid an example of why education should be abolished.

In California, three 17-year-olds were out driving around on a Saturday night when they saw one of their teachers standing on the side of the road. The teacher, John Edward Maust, 34, appeared to the students to be a bit tipsy. He asked for a ride. And at some point during the trip, he pulled a knife on his students and demanded they take him to a Jack-in-the-Box, according to police. Authorities say he fled the vehicle after one of the students dialed 911 and the teacher saw a police helicopter overhead.

That means they get A’s on their finals, right?

| Posted in Booze News, That Wacky Australia

Inventive alcoholic labeled just alcoholic by the law

The law is biased against people that consume the spirits.

Perhaps you may already be aware of this revelation, but nonetheless, it’s not a fair revelation. Ingenuity and the inventive spirit are part of the cornerstone of our society, and yet, Johnny Law don’t give a fudge.

And this isn’t just in the U and the S of the A! Over in Australia, a young man managed to motorize a beer cooler … but not in the fashion of it just moving up and down. No, the beer cooler could actually carry a person and transport them from point A to point B. How genius is that? It’s apparently the worst thing in the world.

Police said the vehicle was potentially dangerous and that the cooler contained alcohol.

A motorized beer cooler: it’s worse than cocaine.

| Posted in Booze News

‘My eyelids are chapped, dude’

The next time you see someone with some Burt’s Bees lip balm, you don’t have to assume they’re high because they are clearly a hippie, you can assume it because they are also teenagers.

The media just found out that some teens somewhere are using Burt’s Bees lip balm to get high or something, and promptly went into “OH MY GOD IT’S ANOTHER KNOCK OUT GAME, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE YOUTH?!?!” mode. Apparently, kids put the stuff on their eye lids because the peppermint makes them feel all tingly and enhances their buzz on other things, like booze. It’s called “Beezin,’” because creativity is too much work, dude.

Take solace, hysterical parents who assume that because a few kids are doing something that every kid is doing it, at least they’re not eyeballing.