Category: Booze News

| Filed under Booze News

Expect a wine shortage this year

As if 2016 wasn’t bad enough, it looks like we’re going to be short on wine this year.

It’s been a bad growing season for vineyards around the world. Harvests in South America and France are both down because of weather. That means there will be 5% less wine made this year, which also means that 5% of wine drinkers are going to have to forgo wine this year.

You can always switch to bourbon. Oh wait.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Scientists turn CO2 into booze

There are people who don’t believe in science, much less global warming. Perhaps they can be persuaded by learning that we can fight global warming and get drunk at the same time.

A group of scientists at the Energy Department’s Oak Ridge National Laboratory in Tennessee (your tax dollars at work!) have accidentally figured out how to turn carbon dioxide into ethanol. Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas, it’s the “carbon” in “carbon emissions.” Ethanol is the sciencey word for alcohol–you know, hootch. Of course, these eggheads see their discovery as a way to create cleaner burning fuel for our cars. But what it can really be used for is drinking. Cars emit all sorts of pollution and greenhouse gases. Drunk people don’t, unless you count beer farts.

Let’s save the planet by turning CO2 into booze. That’s a solution we can all drink to.

| Filed under Booze News

Stop what you’re doing and stock up on Jim Beam

The guys are all about fighting The Man, unless it’s us, and we’re also no strangers to bourbon. That’s why we’re in a tough spot on this one.

Workers at the two Jim Beam distilleries are set to go on strike, which means we could be facing a shortage of the famed bourbon. The union rejected a new contract, and some say the workers are timing the strike for the fall and winter, as production usually ramps up from the slower summer months. For you, this means there could be a shortage of Jim Beam.

So run out and buy a case or two. Or switch to Jack Daniel’s.

| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

C-Span asks viewers to text hot takes to D.C. bartender

Monday’s presidential debate had millions of viewers. Everyone wanted to see the prize fight, and TV stations couldn’t wait to get viewers and let them express their feedback. But a Washington, D.C. bartender was confused when her phone started blowing up with hot takes on the debate.

After the debate, C-Span invited viewers to share their opinions about the candidates and the debate via Twitter, Facebook and text message. The problem is, they listed the wrong number to text. The number they told people to text was actually owned by Tripp Diaz, who had no idea what was going on. She has received some 13,000 text messages and has 400 missed calls from C-Span viewers looking to put in their two cents about the debate. That bill ought to be fun.

Also, apparently there are still people who watch C-Span.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Hair of the dog now on the endangered species list

Drink up, because in less than 35 years, we might not need the hair of the dog anymore.
Drink up, because in less than 35 years, we might not need the hair of the dog anymore.

If a drunk falls in the woods — and remembers it — was he really drunk?

That’s the question science has just introduced into drunken debates, which are like pot debates except everyone is shouting, even if they all agree. And it’s all because some chemist wants to make alcosynth a thing by 2050.

Alcosynth is a chemical that recreates the positive effects of alcohol (i.e., feeling less inhibited, claiming to know everything about a movie you’ve never seen) without the negative effects, like a hangover or being “too” drunk. In execution, your bartender would use either the clear or bitter version in mixed drinks instead of, for example, vodka or whiskey. It allegedly would tap out at the drunkenness you feel after four or five drinks, so you would never black out.

But, is that all alcohol is? Just something that makes a lemonade hard, a V8 bloody, an orange juice a mimosa? Or is it something that introduces an element of danger as just part of a complex flavor experience?

"Help me up. We have to poperate ... popoperate ... cut your skull open immediately."
“Help me up. We have to poperate … popoperate … cut your skull open immediately.”

All we know is that Star Trek: The Next Generation had (will have?) a version of this. And, while they were probably the safest crew to fly with, it wasn’t nearly as fun as a having a xenological parasite being removed by a half-plastered Original Series Dr. McCoy.

Chances are that this is the half-baked idea of a “Legalize it!” crank, so we’ll only have to consider the ramifications of alcosynth in theory. But, in the meantime, The Guys are going to make a designated driver’s life awful for the next six hours.

Special thanks to Julie S. for the link!

| Filed under Booze News

Home defense weapon: beer

Is your home safe from intruders? You may have locks, you may have an alarm system, you may even have a gun, but you’re not really safe unless you have a case of beer in the house.

An Oregon father and his teenage son fought and detained a home intruder who may have been on drugs. Their secret weapon was a case of beer and a power tool. According to authorities, the father and son caught a man breaking into their house, and were forced to fight him when he became violent. During the scuffle, the son was able to smash cases of beer and a power grinder (items not usually used together) over the suspect’s head.

Keep your family safe. Buy a case of beer today.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Drinking beer, ‘BSG’-style

Science finally helps us get more plastered while watching old episodes of Cosmos. Just like Carl Sagan would've wanted.
Science finally helps us get more plastered while watching old episodes of Cosmos. Just like Carl Sagan would’ve wanted.

The Guys have lamented more than once that, while time does indeed march forward, it doesn’t often feel that we live in the future. Although computers are increasingly smaller and faster, they don’t do much different from they did ten to 15 years ago. We still have to chew our food like animals rather than take it in pill-form. (At this point, we’d even accept drinking a nutritionally sufficient slurry or paste.) And, even though the death toll would be astronomical (proving that we’ve gotten older), we still expect the jet packs we were promised as children.

In short, science fiction let us down. It peaked in the 1960s by predicting flat screens and cellphones, and the only modern thing it predicted is the widespread global chaos and lower fertility rates of Children of Men.

But, maybe it’s time to find smaller victories. For instance, the TV Beer Mug, which was clearly inspired by the corners cut off everything in Battlestar Galactica.

It’s not perfect. After all, Archie Bunker perfected drinking beer and watching television back in the 1970s. But, we’ll take any indication of Gene Roddenberry’s glorious, upbeat future anywhere we can find it.

Special thanks to Nat E. for the find! We owe you an unobtrusive beer.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Study: Psychos like coffee, G&Ts

Did you enjoy a nice, hot cup of coffee this morning? Are you looking forward to having a gin and tonic at happy hour this afternoon? Congratulations, you’re probably a psychopath.

A recent study has found that people who say they enjoy coffee, or gin and tonic, are more likely to have characteristics of psychopathy. Basically, coffee and G&Ts are the drinks of psychos. If you like those drinks, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a psycho yourself, but it might.

But if you like coffee in your gin and tonic, you’re a freaking serial killer.

| Filed under Booze News

Police: Batman steals beer

Superhero movies this summer, while mostly disappointing, all dealt with whether vigilantes with superpowers should be held accountable and controlled by society. So it’s fitting that this is now a real-world issue.

In upstate New York, a man in a Batman costume and a Captain America mask stole a couple cases of Budweiser (“America”) from a convenience store. Because when you have a superhero thirst, one case just isn’t going to do it. Was this Batman? Was this Captain America? Or was this a clever commentary on how superhero movies have devolved into two-hour-long beer commercials? Who can save us from this menace?

One thing we do know: the runs won’t just be in the tights.

| Filed under Booze News, Drunk of the Day

Beer the secret to longevity, 103-year-old says

If you want to live forever, drink beer — at least that’s what a 103-year-old woman says.

Mildred Bowers, 103, of South Carolina, has seen a lot in her day. (Some of those things are everyone she’s loved dying before her, but you know, there’s a trade-off to immortality.) And in her wizened state, she said having a beer every day has been a major reason why she has lived so long. It’s not scientific, but it’s good enough.

She also never had kids, so keep that one in mind, too.