Royally drunk: Queen Elizabeth is a binge drinker

The picture was taken at six in the morning.

Queen Elizabeth II hasn’t had a job since her father died. She lives a life every little girl dreams of: living in a big, fancy palace with as many puppies as she wants. She’s 91 and still going strong. Is the secret to her longevity her access to first-rate health care and a lavish lifestyle funded by British taxpayers? No, it’s booze.

According to reports, the queen drinks four drinks a day. She drinks a gin and Dubonnet (a sweet aperitif) before lunch, a gin martini during lunch, then a glass of wine at the end of lunch. So she’s feeling quite jovial and it’s barely the afternoon. She then sobers up with tea in the afternoon and has a glass of champagne before going to bed at night.

That adds up to six units of alcohol by British standards, which the UK government considers binge drinking.

Man passes out on parked car, wakes up traveling down interstate

It’s something we all learn in driver’s ed: when you get in your car, check your mirrors to make sure there’s no drunk person passed out on your trunk.

In Memphis, a couple had a sinking feeling when they got pulled over on the interstate, but it turned out not to be for a driving infraction. The police officer who pulled them over asked them if they knew that there was a body on top of their trunk. They did not.

They soon discovered that a drunk guy had passed out on their car in a downtown parking lot, and because the couple didn’t notice him there, he laid there, curled up and unconscious, for 14 miles on the interstate.

Police haven’t charged the drunk man, which is good, because there is no way they have a law on the books against having someone else drive you home when you’re drunk.

Drunk man fights back against robot uprising

In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.

Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.

Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.

Beer the secret to longevity, 103-year-old says

If you want to live forever, drink beer — at least that’s what a 103-year-old woman says.

Mildred Bowers, 103, of South Carolina, has seen a lot in her day. (Some of those things are everyone she’s loved dying before her, but you know, there’s a trade-off to immortality.) And in her wizened state, she said having a beer every day has been a major reason why she has lived so long. It’s not scientific, but it’s good enough.

She also never had kids, so keep that one in mind, too.

France gets liquid courage to defend liquid courage

Mondieu! He just will not shut up about how he's never too hung over for his morning barre class. Where's the wine?
Mon dieu! He just will not shut up about how he’s never too hung over for his morning barre class. Where’s the wine?

France gets a bad rap for avoiding conflict, even as they get more involved in NATO actions in the Middle East. But, there is one fight they will never back down from: serving wine with dinner.

French President Francois Hollande is almost set to receive the first visit from an Iranian president to Europe in a decade. The only hitch not sorted out yet is when he and his counterpart, President Hassan Rouhani, will eat. The two were supposed to have dinner, but Rouhani requested a halal dinner, including no alcohol served — even wine, which like barely counts as booze in France. (Babies drink it there, for god’s sake.)

Well, a dinner without a properly paired wine? In Paris-freakin’-France? Impossible! Besides, who can tolerate a teetotal-ling religious fanatic without at least a glass of Jesus juice? So, France called it off, and offered up an unfermented breakfast.

And wouldn’t you know it, but Iran rejected the breakfast deal because it appeared too, and we quote, “cheap.” Which, yes, it would be if you’re eating halal breakfast. No bacon or sausage? Not even a mimosa? That’s just eggs and maybe waffles, or, according to our budgetary estimates, Some Trifling Bullsh*t.

But, that’s what happens when you go to a drinker’s house and, rather than be happy with the soda you brought, force everyone else to abstain from the only thing that can make you interesting. Good for you, President Hollande — you’re our Drunk of the Day!

Enterprising drunk prototypes ‘Cops’ selfie

If you thought taking selfies with bears was dangerous, try taking them with beers.
If you thought taking selfies with bears was dangerous, try taking them with beers.

It feels like everything under the sun has been done when it comes to drinking. When human society exists because hunter-gatherers would rather live with cowsh*t to produce wheat for beer, there can’t be much left to discover, booze-wise, after 10,000 years of making it.

But then some gloriously inebriated genius does something so reckless, so dangerous, that even the top minds in law enforcement can’t keep up.

Lakeland, Florida police scrambled to learn what Periscope is, install it, set up an account and use it to track down a self-declared drunk driver who was live-streaming her confused journey on a flat tire. Other users reported her to the police department after finding her self-produced Cops video.

Sure, what she did was stupid and could have killed herself and others. But combining using the phone while driving, and drinking and driving, is exactly the kind of action that could get us closer to self-driving cars. And that should free up our hands for even better drunken carriage ride home videos.

We look forward to seeing what else Ms. Beall comes up with while not driving for some time.

Drunk of the Day: Pawel Fajdek

Athletes tend to celebrate pretty hard after wining the championship, and rightly so. But sometimes they overdo it, and that’s where the real fun begins.

The World Athletics Championships, which is apparently a thing, is going on in Beijing right now. It sounds like the Olympics’ smaller, less-expensive brother. In Beijing, Pawel Fajdek of Poland won the gold medal in the hammer throw, and he was excited about it. According to Chinese media reports, Pajdek celebrated his victory at a restaurant and got so drunk that he paid the cab driver with his medal.

When he woke up the next day, he contacted authorities about his missing medal, which was eventually tracked down. Fajdek, of course, denies the whole thing.

We salute you, Fajdek. Today you are not only a champion of the hammer throw, you are a champion of getting hammered.