Science: Booze is good for your brain

Large amounts of alcohol are known to have an ill effect on the brain (aside from headaches), but new research suggests that lower amounts can actually improve your brain function. That’s right, booze not only makes you feel smarter, it might actually make you smarter, too.

Researchers have found that lower amounts of alcohol, we’re talking a drink or two tops, can help improve the function of the glymphatic system, which helps clear waste from the body. Mice that were given small amounts of booze showed had less inflamed glial cells in the brain than mice that weren’t given a drop. Meaning, the alcohol actually helped the mice clean their brains faster than if they’d just stayed sober.

So if your brain could use a good cleaning, maybe relax with a couple drinks and let the booze do the work.

Don’t drink beer like the ancient Greeks

“Name an IPA after me, not that jerk Pliny.”

When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.

Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.

The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?

Beer news round up

Fact: We here at SG love beer. Truthfully, we’re probably more beer snobs than non-beer snobs, but if it’s amber and alcoholic, it’ll go down smooth enough. As such, we want to give you the news about beer whenever it’s out. The Guys like to think of it as giving back to the community.

For our fans that live in California, soon you may be able to drink longer. How is that a bad thing? Answer: it’s not.

But don’t worry, East Coast bar-hoppers, there’s news for you too. In New York, patrons of EVR will be able to use Bitcoin, the virtual currency, to pay for their drinks. Sure, it’s just more moon-math like Xbox Live points that make no sense, but why think when you can drink?

Regardless, be careful if you drink a lot. The Germans (retired and now doing science-y stuff after they bombed Pearl Harbor) have discovered arsenic in the filtering process for beer. United States researchers are saying it’s no big thing, as it’s always been there. Will it kill you? Will it not kill you? Who knows, but apparently the chemical makes the delectable nectar sparkle in the light. I’d say that’s a nice trade-off for potential death.

Support hangover research

Without accredited hangover clinics, sufferers will continue to concoct their own dangerous, unproven back-alley remedies like the Prairie Oyster.
Without accredited hangover clinics, sufferers will continue to concoct their own dangerous, unproven back-alley remedies like the Prairie Oyster.

Every weekend, countless Americans suffer from crippling migraines, nausea and apathetic television watching. Why countless? Because nobody is counting.

Hello, we’re The Guys, and we’d like to take a momentary break from comedy to talk about a serious medical crisis in this country: the hangover. We’ve all suffered them. And yet we know so little about them.

For instance: U.S. companies estimate that they spend over $148 billion dollars every year to cover paid sick days or lackluster, irritable performance while trying to “soldier” through a hangover. And while other illnesses are brought on by what some would consider irresponsible or even immoral behavior, like mono or tennis elbow, there is almost no funding allocated to researching this more common ailment.

But, we and Alyson Mitchell — a professor and John Kinsella Chair in the department of food science and technology at the University of California, Davis — want to change that. And we need your help.

By donating to the SeriouslyGuys We’re Doing Important Scientific Hangover Research Foundation, you’ll be providing The Guys with the means to pioneer career- and marriage-saving medical procedures. Every dollar you donate will go towards supplies for our experiments, which could one day lead to effective treatment or even a cure.

Please, give generously. We promise to try to keep it down.

[Special thanks to Patrick H.]

Drink yourself thin

It’s Thursday, and if you don’t have happy hour plans, now is the time to change that. But don’t waste your happy hour socializing, have a goal. How about you try to drink like a Czech? Because as it turns out, the Czechs are mere mortals after all.

A study has found that people in the Czech Republic, the biggest beer drinking country in the world, have the same size bellies as any other human. There’s nothing special to their abilities, aside from probably being able to rally quickly after heaving to.

Doctors measured weight, waist to hip ratio (WHR), and body mass index (BMI). In men the beer intake was weakly associated with WHR, although only among nonsmokers. Beer intake had no relationship to BMI. In women, there was no relationship at all between beer consumption and WHR, and a weak inverse association with BMI. (Inverse association is science-ese that means BMI was lower among drinkers.) Conclusion: It is unlikely that beer drinking has anything to do with obesity.

You have your homework, America. Get to it, and don’t worry about getting fat!

Denny’s finally validating title of ‘destination wedding’

It took them just over four months, but last night, Denny’s finally closed the deal. That’s right, a wedding at their exclusive downtown Las Vegas restaurant happened. The lucky couple was treated to a “Pancake Puppies” cake and “Grand Slamosas.” Also, diabetes.

Remember, what felt like nearly a lifetime of planning can soon be over in just a few hours thanks to annulments and careful thinking.

In one Irish town, it’s two or three for the road

Ireland is trying hard to get over their perception as a bunch of drunkards, despite all the drinking that goes on over there. That’s why it’s causing quite a stir that a small Irish town wants to make sure you have a pint or two before heading home from work.

The town of Kilgarvan in County Kerry isn’t much but a speck on the map. It’s basically one main road and then a few country lanes. But it’s where a measure, proposed by pub owner Danny Healy-Rae, was passed to give “permits to people living in rural isolated areas to allow them to drive home from their nearest pub after having two or three drinks on little-used roads driving at very low speeds.” Basically, stop into the local pub and socialize for a bit, then do your best not to hit anyone on your way home.

Healy-Rae said he wants to revive the dying pub culture, and allow for those living in secluded areas to get out and see people again. And thanks to science, we now know that preventing isolation can save lives. So while driving after a few drinks may put others at risk, in this case, it could save the driver.

A taste of the old stuff

There is a special ring in Hell for those who steal another man’s booze. (This ring doesn’t apply if it’s your parents’ stash.)

Let’s start off with the legend of the hidden hootch. As Prohibition approached, rich families across the country began stocking up on liquor while they still could. And J.P. Brennan of Pennsylvania was no different. He ordered cases of rye whiskey distilled in 1912 and hid it in his mansion’s walls. Some of it was consumed during Prohibition, but some of it survived and was forgotten until last year, when some of the century-old whiskey was found during a renovation.

The bottles were valued at just over $100,000, and after a short time, they started to go missing. The live-in caretaker was immediately suspected, but denied all charges. He was charged when police matched a DNA sample on one of the bottles to him.

His crime seems reasonable. Could you sleep at night, knowing that there were cases of rye, mellowed for a century, just sitting there?

Somebody doesn’t have to drink because of New Jersey anymore

Miracles can happen, even in, ugh, New Jersey.
Miracles can happen, even in, ugh, New Jersey. (Just be sure to wash your hands after handling said miracle.)

If you were drinking to forget you live in New Jersey on Saturday and picked up a Powerball ticket with your booze at the liquor store, then please step forward and collect your $338.3 million!

State lottery officials know that the sole winning ticket was sold on Saturday at Eagle Liquors in Passaic, NJ. But, that winner has yet to show up and collect.

So, if you know anybody who’s still sleeping it off in the Garden State, wake them up with some eggs and bacon. It could be worth a couple of million.