A taste of the old stuff

There is a special ring in Hell for those who steal another man’s booze. (This ring doesn’t apply if it’s your parents’ stash.)

Let’s start off with the legend of the hidden hootch. As Prohibition approached, rich families across the country began stocking up on liquor while they still could. And J.P. Brennan of Pennsylvania was no different. He ordered cases of rye whiskey distilled in 1912 and hid it in his mansion’s walls. Some of it was consumed during Prohibition, but some of it survived and was forgotten until last year, when some of the century-old whiskey was found during a renovation.

The bottles were valued at just over $100,000, and after a short time, they started to go missing. The live-in caretaker was immediately suspected, but denied all charges. He was charged when police matched a DNA sample on one of the bottles to him.

His crime seems reasonable. Could you sleep at night, knowing that there were cases of rye, mellowed for a century, just sitting there?

Somebody doesn’t have to drink because of New Jersey anymore

Miracles can happen, even in, ugh, New Jersey.
Miracles can happen, even in, ugh, New Jersey. (Just be sure to wash your hands after handling said miracle.)

If you were drinking to forget you live in New Jersey on Saturday and picked up a Powerball ticket with your booze at the liquor store, then please step forward and collect your $338.3 million!

State lottery officials know that the sole winning ticket was sold on Saturday at Eagle Liquors in Passaic, NJ. But, that winner has yet to show up and collect.

So, if you know anybody who’s still sleeping it off in the Garden State, wake them up with some eggs and bacon. It could be worth a couple of million.

Beer continues to fight cancer

Next time you raise a pint, raise one for Todd Ruggere of Massachusetts.

Ruggere is making his way across the Massachusetts, and his goal is to drink a Samuel Adams beer in every single town in the Bay State. Why is he doing this? If you’re asking that question, you’re almost certainly not a regular reader of this blog. He’s doing it not just for love of beer, but to raise money for Dana Farber and the Jimmy Fund, for children’s cancer research.

He has one beer in a different bar every day. We’re not going to criticize, but if The Guys were going to try a similar fundraiser, we’d drink a beer at every bar in town, doing one town a day.

Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

"According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night."
“According to your answers, you drank lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll rumrunners last night.”

Something is amiss in the United Kingdom. University College London researchers tried to reconcile alcohol sales with the amounts people claimed to drink in surveys, but the numbers just don’t match up. Nearly half of all booze sold in the U.K. is unaccounted for.

So, where did it go? A lesser writer might just chalk this up to people under-reporting what they drink, what business is it of yours, jack? And it makes some sense — anyone who’s ever been asked by a professor how much they’ve had to drink is more likely to low-ball that figure.

But, that still wouldn’t add up to twice as much booze sold as drunk. What the hell is going on in Merry Olde England? Let’s just say I have a few ideas … Continue reading Take it from Snee: Keep calm and drink

Stop boring your kids

They both died from an overdose back in season six.
They both died from an overdose back in season six.

Parents who tell their kids cautionary tales about their previous drug, tobacco and alcohol use may be counter-intuitively driving those kids to the (prescription) bottle. That’s according to a new study that found that “the more often the parents talked about regret over their own use, the bad things that happened, and that they’d never use it again, the students were more likely to report pro-substance-use beliefs.”

The researchers didn’t find a direct link between boring your kids with tales of your youth and their need for a drink afterwards, just an interesting correlation. However, the Guys feel it is safe to say that you should never try to relate to a teenager. They may look human, but that’s just what they want you to think.

In the war for a buzz, an important battle has been won

Affordable health care? Improving public education? Bah, those are unimportant things we’ll get around to fixing. But threaten to lower the alcohol content in Maker’s Mark, and America will fight you.

Last week, Maker’s Mark, makers of Maker’s Mark bourbon, said it would be temporarily diluting its product from 90 to 84 proof in order to keep up with soaring demand. That’s when the people fought back.

Even though the dilution was promised not to affect the taste, drinkers took to the internet, demanding their hootch stay at the same level. On Sunday, Maker’s Mark announced that they scuttled plans to dilute any more bottles.

Let’s stagger on to Jack Daniel’s, citizens!

The couple that drinks together stays together

Say there, drunkard, are you happy in your relationship? According to a new study, your binging may be hurting your partner, that is, unless she’s your drinking partner, too.

The study claims that the more you drink, the higher your odds of divorce get, but that’s taking a simplistic view of a complicated topic. Researchers interviewed 20,000 married couples and then followed up with them 15 years later. They found that if one partner was a heavy drinker (which for some reason is drinking more than 10 times in two weeks, lightweights), they were more likely to get divorced, especially if it was the woman who bended an elbow. However, science says this wasn’t true for couples who drink on the same level.

A separate study found that couples that drink the same amount are likely to spend more time together and fight less.

So get smashed with your sweetie this Valentine’s Day!

Diet drinks: more evil than previously thought

There's such a thing as too much dieting ... or too drunk.
There’s such a thing as too much dieting … or being too drunk.

We already knew that diet drinks — especially diet fruit punch — are depressing. (Or that depressing people drink them.) But, now we’ve discovered that diet drinks are also trying to get you drunk.

A recent study found that using diet drinks as a mixer gave drinkers a higher BAC than those drinking the same amount with regular mixers. The key is calories, which help absorb alcohol and slow down its release into the bloodstream. Diet drinks, however, have reduced or no calories, which means the alcohol is on an expressway to Karaoke Town (population: you and Randy Newman songs).

What concerned researchers is that women are more likely to order diet mixed drinks. We should have known: diet drinks are trying to get your girlfriend drunk.