The 180 proof is in the survey

Good morning, everyone. While you’re finishing your first glass of whiskey, we have some startling news for you, and probably untrue, for that matter. More than 30 percent of Americans say they have had problems with alcohol.

Now, drink your chaser, American. It’s time to realize something brutally important: your neighbor is probably one of these people. Go over there and hold an intervention. Better yet, take the guy’s booze away from him. That will keep him safe.

Break out the razor blades and mirrors

In the world of alcohol there is good news and bad news today. The good news is the Dutch (of course) have developed alcohol in powdered form called Booz2Go–really. Just add water and it turns into a lime flavored drink.

The bad news is that the drink only has three percent alcohol content. Sure, that means the kids can drink it. They can get green tongues and drunk at the same time, but what about for the rest of us?

Who even drinks that stuff?

The throaty-voiced former lead singer of Creed Scott Stapp added to his reputation of being a drunken jerk recently. (Some of you may remember he passed out at his own wedding reception a couple years ago. Recently he was charged with aggravated assault after he allegedly came home and threw a bottle of Orangina at his wife’s head during an argument.

Unconfirmed reports say Stapp yelled out “Have some Oranginaaaaaah!” when the threw the bottle.

Yeah, the joke works better if you do the voice in your head.

This round’s on the county government

One of the last bastions of functional alcoholism was dealt a lethal blow earlier today. The South Korean County of Koesan has decided to stop giving out its “Drinking Culture Prize” to its government workers.

Key quote: “A county official said Wednesday the public misunderstood the intention of the award, which was meant to recognize government workers who go out to local restaurants and bars to meet citizens and hear what they have to say.”

How could that kind of a prize with so noble intentions possibly be misunderstood?

It seemed like such a good idea after the first five beers

First, a sea lion attacks a surfer, then the bees are skiddadlin’. What next? Giraffes are scaring the poop out of our drunk girls, that’s what’s next. It’s senseless mayhem such as this that’s reason why a war on animals has been declared.

Key quote: Police have launched an investigation to find out how the intoxicated students entered the zoo at night and climbed the 10 foot high fence surrounding the giraffe cage.

Personally, I’m pretty sure that she used her hands and feet.

Imagine a world run on brew

Lately, everyone is after the coolest new source of alternative energy. There are some unusual ideas out there: corn, food waste and even cow manure are potential sources. But scientists in Australia are looking for something tastier.

Their energy idea: beer. This blog really doesn’t understand the process but it has something to do with bacteria eating the sugar in beer to make energy.

All that means is less beer for humans.

This week in alcohol

After a fun night out at the bars, one German man in Berlin found himself far too drunk to drive. He made the mature decision about it and didn’t drive. He did, however, get on his horse to head home. Realizing he was too tired to make it there, he stopped at a bank, locked his trusty steed and himself in the outer lobby where the ATMs were and slept it off.

First off, who has horses in Berlin? Secondly, when you’re drunk, the world is your bed.

Think you don’t need math? If you like drinking, you are sorely mistaken. U.S. scientists have come up with a mathematic formula to pour a pint of beer with the perfect amount of foam. Good luck understanding it, though.