Alcohol: the cause of, solution to all of life’s [animal-related] problems

Taking a page from American history, an Indian village (in India, not Ironyland) let rice wine do their dirty work on a herd of Asiatic elephants.

After drinking themselves into a stupor, the elephants reenacted a World Series celebration by knocking down a utility pole. Six died in the ensuing electrocution.

This approach is one of the most innovative in the global War on Animals for three reasons:

1) Circus animal trainers have proven that electricity is the natural foe of the elephant.

2) By getting the elephants drunk, they have prevented these elephants’ legendary memory from remembering and learning from this event. In other words, it could work again!

3) Because the elephants drank the rice wine of their own accord, this village has a new ally in their War on Animals: MADD. That’s a lot of pamphlets, people.

(Courtesy of Patrick S.)

You scratch my back, I’ll drink your beer

A New Zealand brewery is offering a lifetime supply of beer to whoever manages to narc out the individual or cunning group of individuals that stole one of their laptops. Perhaps they should maybe look a little inwards for their suspects? I mean, let’s be honest here-when you work in a brewery, drinking on the job gets a whole new look to it. Get out there and start searching, super sleuthes!

Pissing the night away

Baylor’s offensive line-tight ends coach Eric Schnupp was issued a citation for urinating on a bar in Waco, Texas. Schnupp apparently thought no one was looking as his urine ran a deep post patter to the bar. Now, perhaps he was trying to erase the 58-10 drubbing that Kansas laid on the Bears on Saturday, or perhaps Schnupp just wanted to make a flow chart for the coaches at THE LARGEST BAPTIST UNIVERSITY IN THE WORLD.

Key quote: “Severe said Schnupp had taken several shots of hard liquor, most bought for him by other people.”

Side note: If you’re a coach at a major university, shouldn’t you be buying the shots? Maybe I’m just old fashioned.

Previously on ‘24′

Breaking news! Kiefer Sutherland has plead no contest to DUI charges from his arrest last month. Oh yeah, he was also inviolation of his probation for a 2004 DUI charge, as well.

He will be serving 48 days (roughly 48 seasons of “24”) in the Paris Hilton Memorial Penitentiary in Los Angeles. No word on whether or not Jack Bauer will make it out of this one. Keep in mind this is a guy willing to bite his captors’ throats to escape, as we saw last season.

Vodka: cleaner laundry AND body

Vodka saved a poisoned Australian man’s life after he drank anti-freeze.

This is yet another miracle attributed to vodka, that colorless lifejuice from Russia. Other miracles include (but are apparently not limited to):

  • Removing cigarette stink from laundry.
  • Mixing well with any non-alcoholic beverage known to humanity.
  • Making work bearable.
  • Dean Martin’s career without Jerry Lewis.
  • Making vermouth–and now anti-freeze–consumable.

Is it possible for the Vatican to beatify a beverage? It beats the hell (heh) out of red wine/BoC.

Murder by enema

You know what? This doesn’t need spin or anything. Here’s what’s up: charges against a woman were dropped after her husband died in what is called a “sherry enema.”

The man apparently had throat problems that kept him from drinking, but his love of booze knew no bounds, apparently neither did his wife’s love for her husband. He would get the booze into him using a route never before used and probably illegal at a bar: the back door.

However, after “chugging” two bottles of sherry, which police thought had been administered by his wife, he died of alcohol poisoning. His BAC was 0.47. This blog wonders how they had him blow it.

Points for style, creativity and teamwork, but no points for the botched dismount.

‘Teletubbies responsible for all wars in world!’

A first grade teacher was arrested at her school after showing up to work drunk. We can only wonder what her lesson plan was. Presumably incoherrant, but awesome:

  • Paradoxes/plot holes in the Berenstein Bears series.
  • Why nice guys never get girls because girls are in love with assholes.
  • Sharon, Lois and Bram are underappreciated by today’s music standards.
  • She loves you all, and she doesn’t say it nearly enough. No really, did anyone ever tell you how funny you are? She means, damn.

All in all, we have to say that this, technically, is better than sleeping with her students, but far less titilating news-wise.

Running afoul of water fowl

Sometimes when you’re drunk, you get hungry. This is what’s called the beer munchies, and it must always be obeyed. A man at a hotel in St. Paul, Minnesota did just that, but it cost him.

The man, who witnesses say was drunk, was stumbling around the lobby of his hotel, which for some reason lets tame ducks wander (We assume this is to lull our enemy into a false sense of security). He grabbed one of the ducks and ripped its head off.

Key quote: “‘I’m hungry. I’m gonna eat it.'”

For some reason, they charged him with animal cruelty. That shouldn’t even be a charge. We’re at war here, people.