‘Dilbert’ in Chile is weird

Women just don’t appreciate prop comedy — the greatest form of humor pioneered by legends like Carrot Top and Gallaghers I and II.

Office humor is a mixed bag. On the one hand, it’s easy to kill it in your office if you have more than “You guys are having way too much fun over there” in your set. (But, also, what a low bar, right?) And on the other, you can also easily find yourself in a meeting with HR, explaining like a drunk uncle that “everyone’s too PC these days, it was a joke.”

But, in Chile, it’s all about prop comedy, like giving a blow-up sex doll to the economy minister so that he can “stimulate it.”

Right? What’s not funny about an inflated economy that can burst at any second by f*cking around with it too much? Homeless people can laugh themselves warm next winter to that Swiftian-level wit.

Unfortunately, not everyone found it funny, especially women and including the president of Chile, Michelle Bachelet. Businesswomen found it distasteful since they are commonly left out of such events unless serving as scantily-dressed booth babes. But, what do they know about funny, right? It’s a gross doll with a vulva-less vagina that can be loosely tied to “stimulus.” That’s the most brilliant joke invented since someone — most likely a man — first noticed that chickens sometimes cross roads.

In other news: Chilean members of Asexma have once again failed to export comedy.

You can’t afford to be bigoted

"I'm fired. But who cares? I'm still rich."
“I’m fired. But who cares? I’m still rich.”

It’s important to remember that, while Donald Trump locked up the Republican nomination after categorically suspecting Mexicans of rape and drug trafficking and Muslims of terrorism, he still hasn’t gotten the job of president. He can still blow the second half of the interview by failing to convince enough Americans that he didn’t somehow mean all of that in a racist or bigoted way.

Even more importantly: whether he wins the election or not, Trump will be OK. Even if most of the country thinks he’s a racist, he has enough money — possibly even untaxed money — to say and do racist things. He will be able to retire to any segregated (emphasis on “gated”) community once this is all said and done, safe from the half of the country he’s alternately insulting and paying lip-service to right now.

So, please keep this in mind when you’re about to post something on social media that Trump would say. Ask yourself: “Can I afford to post this?” Because an elementary school teacher’s aide in Georgia and the mayor of West York, Pennsylvania just learned that, no, they can’t afford it and will most likely need to seek out new careers.

Taco Bell aims to be No. 1 supplier of Mexican-flavored food poisoning again

White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell.
White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell. Have you seen your Doritos- dusted sharts?

With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.

And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.

Brazil’s mascots get weirder

Rubber ducky, you're the one!  You make discussing the ramifications of economic policy as a means of correcting unequal access to wealth so much fun!  Rubber ducky, we're awfully fond of you!
♬♫ Rubber ducky, you’re the one!
You make discussing the ramifications of economic policy as a means of correcting unequal access to wealth so much fun!
Rubber ducky, we’re awfully fond of you! ♪ ♪ ♪

As previously reported, Brazil has a unique way with mascots. While people in English-speaking countries grow mustaches to raise funds and awareness for testicular cancer, Brazil took to the streets with an anthropomorphic set of giant, moley testicles and literally named it Senhor Testiculo, or Mr. Testicles.

But, they don’t tackle every major issue with so direct imagery. For instance, to protest the leftist economic policies of their president, the Federation of Industries of the State of São Paulo inflated two giant ducks, one in front of their National Congress building and the other at ritzy Copacabana Beach. (Let’s see Manilow write the song about that.)

The duck refers to an allegedly common saying there, “to pay the duck,” which is when you have to unfairly pay for someone else’s mistake. Nobody’s sure where the phrase came from originally, but we’re guessing it’s in old movies where a scene starts right when a person finishes a joke. (“… And the bartender says, ‘OK, but you gotta pay the duck first!’ Jesus, Snake, you look terrible.”)

As odd as giant, inflatable ducks are, it’s still preferable to opposing leftist economic policies by nominating a preening, hyperbolic orange baboon for president.

The simplest solutions are often the best ones

As we told you last week, California’s in a bet of dry spell. While mandatory water shortages have been great for the artificial lawn industry, Big California Denim is is crying a river.

They might want to save those tears.

The jeans industry is majorly worried about how they’re going to pre-distress jeans for purchasers, as traditionally, jeans are washed over and over and over in order to get that authentic vintage look.

Allow SG to give you free business advice: why not just beat the jeans with a bat, over and over and over?

The cow’s valued at how much?

A cow was stolen in Florida. This begs the question: there are cows in Florida? But, more than that, outcry has arisen due to its owner stating the value of the cow at $641. This apparently brings the theft up to grand theft.

This begs a bigger question: if an animal’s value is under three-quarters of a grand, does the animal even matter?

Given that the value of an animal is under zero, we think we know the answer to the question.

Depressing part of Georgia can be yours! Act now!

Not to be outdone by foreigners, a piece of America and popular fiction can be yours for under three quarters of a cool million. Of course, saying it’s a part of popular fiction might be stretching it a little.

The it in question is Grantville, Georgia, appropriated by Robert Kirkman, creator of The Walking Dead, as the hometown of Rick Grimes, main protagonist of said comic and show. The former mayor, Jim Sells, has put the downtown section of the town for sale. The scenery was used for an episode of the show!

While yes, it’s just the downtown area and not the entire town itself, isn’t it better to own than rent?

Evil laughs now only cost under a grand

Being able to be a dictator of a third-world country just got a lot cheaper.

Okay, granted, Hungary isn’t exactly a third-world, but it ain’t exactly an economic superpower. And like all countries in the world, money can still be a little hard to come by. As such, the Hungarian village of Megyer is offering up its services for sale. And by its services, I mean being in charge of the entire village.

For just a scant 690 euros (or 750 dollars in real, American, non-moon money), a body can get for a day:

seven guesthouses that sleep 39 people, four streets, a bus stop, a barn, a chicken yard, six horses, two cows, three sheep and four hectares (10 acres) of farmland — along with the possibility of temporarily being named deputy mayor

That’s a lot of stuff in the year 1543! The mayor of the village is even encouraging the renters to have a bottle of rose wine among the silence of the countryside. And therein lies the draw. What they’re not encouraging is what a renter can’t do.

Oppression of a society of people? White slave trade? Drug smuggling? Testing out chemical weapons? We won’t judge.

Capitalism takes the weather by the spurs

Perhaps you live on the East Coast and were subject to the snow that all of us experienced. How crappy was that, hmm? It was probably even worse if you lived in the Northeastern section of the country. New England, I’m hollering at’cha! Having legendary amounts of snow dumped on you puts a damper on everything.

But not if you’re Kyle Waring. Waring has set up an online store where he’ll sell to you “historic Boston snow” in a water bottle. Mind you, you’ll end up getting water in a water bottle,  but hey, it’s about the experience, right?

Well, for a small nominal upcharge of 70 dollars, Kyle can just about guarantee you getting snow rather than water in the mail. Now that’s service!

The brass age now turning into a wooden age

Last month, we told you about the declining sales of marijuana in Washington. Supply was up, prices were (in order to sell) down, but sales weren’t up.

Almost a month later, things haven’t gotten better.

One store has had to utterly slash prices on the herb, making very little money due to deals with local growers and taxes. The black market for weed is being blamed for the lack of profit, as prices for cheaper weed have been … well … cheaper. That’s right, the problems of society are being blamed on illegal drugs.

What’s old is new again.