And yet they can’t change ‘The Other White Meat?’

If you didn’t know, the pork industry isn’t doing so hot right now. Granted, it’s not in horrible shape, but even with the scares that plagued the beef/horse/guinea pig/unknown beef paste industry, it’s still not doing fantastically. And so, in order to raise pork sales, the National Pork Board and the Beef Checkoff Program did what any other multi-billion dollar industry does when faced with slumping sales.

They renamed the same exact products to sell at the same price. Some examples include:

  • Pork chops are now ribeye chops. Logic: How much for a rib? (Link NSFW)
  • Pork butt is now Boston roast. Logic: Boston is full of a-holes.
  • A beef under blade boneless steak will now become a Denver steak. Logic: At least it’s not Rocky Mountain Oysters.

Look good getting chased by dogs

You, too, could be bringing the "heat" in "Rain Heat & Snow."
You, too, could be bringing the “heat” in “Rain Heat & Snow.”

It’s well known that the U.S. Postal Service, created with the stroke of a pen by President George Washington, is in some serious financial trouble. A couple weeks ago, it was announced that the mail will stop arriving on Saturday, to save money, and probably to say that the federal government now wants to honor the Jewish sabbath, not just the Christian one.

But now things are getting worse. The Postal Service is launching an all-season clothing line. “Rain Heat & Snow” will debut next year from the Wahconah Group apparel company. Not only is the line missing a comma in its name, its premise is a stylish take on postal worker uniforms and gear.

Maybe next they’ll do a reunion tour.

Just how big of a coat was he wearing?

Artificially created shortages are just plain stupid. Remember when you tried to get a Wii for the first 10 months after they came out, but couldn’t? Ever tried to get a new iPhone or iPad a week after it comes out? It’s frustrating and only serves to deter a consumer.

Jorge Sanchez may have tried to create an artificial shortage of his own, just on a much smaller scale.

And with motor oil.

Obviously, since we’re talking about this story, he wasn’t exactly successful.

Pa. high school’s new paper currency

Only boys have to sign out toilet paper from the principal of Mahanoy Area High School, once again proving our theory that girls don't poop.
Only boys have to sign out toilet paper from the principal of Mahanoy Area High School, once again proving our scientific theory that girls don’t poop.

Mahanoy Area High School in eastern Pennsylvania has discovered what Joseph Gayetty knew all the way back in 1857: that there is very little difference between money and toilet paper.

After having to continually spend to replenish toilet paper — plus unclog the toilets — due to vandalism, Principal Thomas Smith is now controlling the substance. From now on, before you can make number two, you’ve got to sign out some squares from the school’s number one.

At least one parent, however,  isn’t taking the Great Toilet Paper Requisition of 2013 sitting down: “Parent Karen Yedsena says some students are too embarrassed to go to the office to get toilet paper and are going home sick instead.” This is why the Guys firmly believe that Everyone Poops should be required freshman reading.

[Special thanks for Patrick H. for the link!]

It makes my doo doo twinkle, man

Stuck on what to get The Guys for Christmas? We don’t blame you, we are pretty awesome, or likely to make sarcastic remarks if your gift sucks. But that’s not to say we don’t appreciate you. That’s why we’re dropping some subtle hints for our beloved readers.

We want some 24-karat gold pills to make our poop nice and shimmery. If there’s one thing every other FOX News commercial tells us, it’s to invest in precious metals because their value keeps going up, up, up! And what’s another way to make their value go up? By literally flushing some of it down the toilet, making supplies that much scarcer.

Give a crap, for the economy.

American lifestyle under attack

In the War on Animals, we know that the outdoors are dangerous. But, man has always held the upper hand because that upper hand is holding money. So long as our economy remains strong, we will be able to stay inside our homes where animals can’t get in. (Unless they’re being put in the freezer. Then they may come indoors in bulk.)

But, what if animals destroy our economy?

That’s exactly what they’re trying to do, whether it’s through bears in a mall or now a monkey at IKEA. The bear attacks were unsophisticated attempts to scare shoppers out of supporting our economy. But, a monkey making a mockery out of our most beloved shopping ritual: arguing with spouses at America’s greatest Swedish store while wearing a trendy coat? Who wouldn’t look at one of our closest relatives and wonder, “Is that what I look like?”

Humans, do not allow let animals make monkeys out of us. Buying furniture that we build ourselves is still very respectable and vital defense spending.

NASA says feds still need fiscal solution after Dec. 21

When it comes to the Mayan-predicted apocalypse, all options — including financial ones — are on the table.

Despite what the Mayans say, Congress and the President cannot bank on the world ending on Dec. 21, 2012. This is a disappointment to both sides, who each planned on  delaying the approval of a compromise budget plan until the return of Bolon Yokte and the destruction of the world.

Because Republicans and Democrats defunded NASA, the nearly grounded space agency has more time to update their Web site. And according to their latest blog post (which is totally the same thing as being published):

Just as the calendar you have on your kitchen wall does not cease to exist after December 31, the Mayan calendar does not cease to exist on December 21, 2012. This date is the end of the Mayan long-count period but then — just as your calendar begins again on January 1 — another long-count period begins for the Mayan calendar.

So, get back to work on that grand compromise, feds. The Mayans aren’t letting you off easy, no matter what the Australian prime minister says.

New trend: wiping with cash

If you’re still spending cash these days, you’re doing it wrong. One in seven British notes are contaminated with fecal matter, six percent of which were categorized as showing “gross contamination — where the levels of bacteria detected were equal to that you would expect to find in a dirty toilet bowl.”

This means only one thing: the wealthy are wiping their asses with money, just to spread diarrhoeal infections to the other 99 percent in a game that they call “Trickle Down Economics.”

But, that’s not all: eight percent of all bank cards are also grossly infected, which means only one thing: the super rich have to withdraw toilet paper from the ATM, just like the rest of us.

‘Hunters Needed: Inquire Within Wisconsin’

Wisconsin loves hunters, almost as much as bratwursts, cheese and the Green Bay Packers (they definitely rank higher than replacement refs). However, hunters don’t seem to love Wisconsin quite as much, though. This is a problem for the state, as it’s being reported in stats that 28 hunters can support 1 job, which is the oddest math that I’ve seen.

Nevertheless, the Department of Natural Resources is on top of the problem! They’re running a program called Hunter Challenge 2012, something like a recruitment drive for people that use deer urine and orange clothing. Best of all, the program will allow discounts on licenses, making our war against the hated animals that much more cost-efficient! Literally, more bang for your buck.


It’s the wild west town of the future

Come November, Waterbury, Vermont, may become the most lawless place of the planet. Literally.

The village’s had a lot of financial problems over the past few years, but despite major cuts throughout, the police department has had very few (especially in comparison). But, money is money, and there’s just not enough of it in the village’s budget. As such, it’ll now be brought to the people, come November’s ballot, where they’ll be able to decide via vote if the money that goes to the police department needs to be reallocated somewhere else.

It’s not easy going through tough economic patches. That said, don’t be surprised if you see the rise of criminals in the town such as William the Adolescent or Jessuelyn Jameson.