Hummer: no happy ending?
Posted on February 25, 2010
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex | Leave a Comment |
Everyone who sees a Hummer thinks one of two things: a) “Somebody has penis issues,” or–if you’re also a Hummer owner–b) “Mine’s bigger.”
But, those halcyon days of gloating from your Pontiac Aztec or PT Cruiser at stupider spending choices may be numbered. The Chinese have backed out of purchase negotiations of the line from General Motors.
With no buyers, GM may be forced to shut down the brand, ending all production. This may be the worst news for douchebags since cone snails, which are where puka shells come from, were added to the endangered species list.
GM will continue to look for offers for Hummer, but it’s not looking good to spokesman Nick Richards.
“Hummer going down?” Richards said. “It sucks, bra.”
Written by Rick SneeSick? It’s gonna cost ya
Posted on February 22, 2010
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We’ve all been hit by the current economic climate, even if it does seem to be making an upward swing, albeit gradually. Of course, most of us haven’t been hit as hard as the state of California has been. The laundry list of their state budget cuts is a mile long, and for town and cities, it’s even harsher. Well, Tracy, California is sick and tired of being broke. As such, they’ve decided that there’s only one way to effectively make money:
Charge people for 911 calls. And not just any fee, but a fee of $300. Yeah, but what?
Yeah is right. Ambulance fees just aren’t enough to keep things running afloat, especially with a $9 million budget gap. At least, that’s according to “lawmakers.” Oh hey I was gonna report that rape/murder/theft/heart attack I saw but I didn’t have the cash. Sorry!
So, anyone want to run the numbers on how long until the first reported case of someone having a heart attack, people being around who see it happen, and no one calling 911 because they don’t want to pay for it?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYeah, like you have the same problem
Posted on January 4, 2010
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Just a warning: this story and the story’s link may be Not Safe For Work.
Jonah Falcon is a man that has been blessed with massive ability.
However, as everyone that’s seen a film that totally embodies the spirit of capitalism a porn film, ability does not equal talent. Which is where Jonah’s problem lays. In his pants.
You see, Jonah has male genitalia that is the largest record on video. Unfortunately, he cannot seem to get a job. As an actor, his profession of choice, mind you. Also unfortunate is that he appears to have convictions, as he refuses to go into the skin trade, because:
“If I did porn nobody would take me seriously. Nobody.”
After all, having a documentary made about your large tallywhacker and then a follow-up article a decade later means that everyone thinks you’re serious business.
Remember kids, sex may sell, but true talent sells even better.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorDon’t ever expect CostCola
Posted on November 18, 2009
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Who would ever think that a gigantic bulk store could be the underdog in a situation? Believe it.
CostCo has decided to stop carrying Coca-Cola products at their stores. The reason why? Coke refuses to give them a larger discount for their products. Which, given the current economic climate, is pretty important to both companies, seeing as the two would very much like to keep a strong price margin.
Guess you’ll have to find a another way to get 64 cans of Diet Coke all at one time.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSo hip that Maxim did it in 2004
Posted on October 13, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Facepalm | 1 Comment |
As the print world spirals into oblivion, magazines are trying everything to hold on to their empires. One of the most famous, Playboy, demonstrates just how little relevance they actually hold.
In an attempt to snare younger readers with “hip” imagery, Playboy featured Marge Simpson on their November cover.
You know, from The Simpsons?
That show you may have watched 10 years ago? They’re retro hip now like Saved by the Bell, Limp Bizkit and AIDS, right?
In related news, Playboy has finally embraced the sad cartoon porn market, which is already dominated online.
Written by Rick SneeFriends don’t let friends buy Saturn
Posted on October 1, 2009
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GM announced on Wednesday that it will shut down their Saturn line. The decision was made after Saturn’s potential buyer, Penske Automotive Group, came to their senses after this alleged conversation with their friends:
Written by Rick SneePenske: So, I’m seriously thinking about buying a new car.
Friend: Yeah? What kind?
Penske: A Saturn.
Friend: A … Saturn? Really? Why?
Penske: Well, they’ve been having trouble lately and it’s important to buy American … auto industry failing … Detroit … Lions embarassment to football and whatever the Redskins play …
Friend: You know there are other American car brands out there? You know that, right? That aren’t Saturn?
Penske: Yeah … it was just, you know, an idea …
Hate your job?
Posted on September 24, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
So, you hate your job? Today a bad day? Want to quit, but too afraid of the job market right now? Here’s your afternoon pick-me-up:
“A vaccine to prevent HIV infection, the virus that leads to AIDS, has shown modest results for the first time.”
Oo, awesome news!
“Previous vaccine trials failed to prevent infection. And during one trial, the vaccine seemed to boost the chance of being infected, which ended testing early.”
Uh, but that’s not the case now, right?
“The new study was conducted in Thailand, with more than 16,000 people between ages 18 and 30 participating. They were all HIV negative at the beginning of the trial.”
… And?
“Nearly 8,200 received a placebo and a similar number received a combination of six vaccines over six months. All were followed for three years.”
“A placebo,” you say?
“Researchers found that those who received the vaccine combination were 31 percent less likely to contract HIV compared with those on a placebo.”
Really? Placebos don’t prevent HIV infection?
“Fifty-one people in the vaccine group eventually contracted HIV, compared with 74 in the placebo group.”
F#%k. They hired people to get AIDS. Did they inject them in the research lab, or just follow them around the streets of Bangcock while they had unprotected sex with shared needles?
But, that’s not all:
“[Colonel Jerome Kim, U.S. Army,] cautioned that a lot more research was necessary, because the vaccine did not prevent everyone from being infected.”
So, they’re still hiring! Time to quit that job and move to Thailand!
Written by Rick SneeDude extorts own mother, fails
Posted on September 15, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Tokyoh-no! | Leave a Comment |
OK everyone, I know that my last story probably isn’t the most feel good story of year. However, this one is, though more in a quasi-National Lampoon’s Vacation/Naked Gun subplot vein.
So there’s this dude. And this dude is hard up for money, because, y’know, economy. So what does he do? He tries to get 30 million yen by calling his mom up at 2 am after not coming home Friday night, claiming that he has her son held hostage and wants the money.
The 31 year old man didn’t come home to his mom. Let that sink in.
Mom, being the worrying parent she is, had already filed a missing persons report when he didn’t come home Friday night. She lets the police know, and mentions that it sounded like her son was the one on the phone. After five hours of police searching, they found him parked in a car down by the river. Police detained him, and the reason for all this?
“[H]e did it because he thought his misappropriation of company funds was about to be discovered, and because he wanted to cause some trouble for the company.”
Simultaneous failure attempts FTW.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorIt’s worse than we thought
Posted on August 27, 2009
Filed Under Booze News, Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
I hope you’re sitting down. I’ve got some very bad news.
No, I’m talking about a man attempting to create government funded dinosaurs by fusing chickens with ancient DNA and thus destroy us all. Nor am I talking about how science has managed to create the scariest looking monkeys of all time.
Yet still am I not talking about how the Department of Veterans Affairs managed to “accidentally” diagnose over eighteen hundred veterans with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Whoopsidoodle!
What I am talking about is the potential latest victim of the economic crisis: beer.
It appears that due to low sales volumes across the world, brewers are going to be raising prices. Anheuser-Busch InBev has already announced that they’ll be increasing the cost of alcohol pure sip come this fall. But it doesn’t with just the crappy beer produced by them. MillerCoors and Heineken will be raising their prices as well, though MillerCoors states that this is “part of the company’s regular fall increases.”
So, what does this mean for you, faithful reader? Not a lot of good. Despite the hurricane/tornado/storm speculator mentality that this will sound like, I can wholeheartedly recommend rushing out and buying up beer at the price it is now, if it hasn’t been raised. I’m already hurt by the decisions. It’s hard enough for me to find Sam Adam’s Summer Ale (my personal favorite) as it is right now, since the season is essentially over for it-but to pay more for it? Talk about paying painfully for pleasure.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorGovernment provides ‘cash for clunkers’
Posted on August 3, 2009
Filed Under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Headline of the Day | Leave a Comment |
According to the Headline of the Day, the Cash for Clunkers government program helped Ford report their first gain in auto sales since November 2007.
In future news, the Cash for Clunkers program will run out of money again in two years when everyone trades in their 2009 Fords.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking ยป