Category: Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Washington’s golden age of pot turning into brass age for sellers

People, we believe in the guiding hand of capitalism. It speaks and we listen. Thanks to capitalism, we no longer have Crystal Pepsi! And in the state of Washington, the people have spoken: they’ve got more than enough weed already.

It would seem that the supply of marijuana for the state has more than exceeded the demand for the drug, as prices for the plant are plummeting all over the state by legal sellers. According to one store owner, he’s buying stock at half the cost of what it was just four months ago.

What does this mean? We might see the end of a couple stores. You can blame the economic law of supply and demand, but we blame a store specializing in the weed version of Crystal Pepsi.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, War on Animals

Naming rights don’t come cheap

When an opportunity to name an animal comes up, we at SG encourage people to take that opportunity. That’s why we commend an anonymous individual being able to name a dumb ol’ baby giraffe. We would suggest names such as Stretch, Spots and Ol’ Zombie Tongue.

Now, having to pay to name an animal? While that’s not an action we would traditionally support, in terms of an economic fundraiser, there are worse ideas. Wall Street needs money? Sell the naming rights to that golden bull. Seaworld out of cashola? Shamu’s getting a new name! We strongly encourage both the Republican and Democratic National Committees to put up the naming rights to the elephant and the donkey for sale.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Burger King wants taxes their way

The signs of their future Bendict Arnold-eque betrayal were there from the beginning with their obvious British loyalist corporate leanings.
The signs of their future Bendict Arnold-eque betrayal were there from the beginning with their obvious British loyalist corporate leanings.

There are few things more American than a beef sandwich (which is British) named after a town in Germany. But it looks like Burger King, after helping make America bigger for over 60 years, may take its Whopper north to Canada.

BK is looking to buy Tim Hortons, which is basically their Dunkin Donuts, but with cashiers who speak French instead of Spanish. Should the deal go through, then reports indicate that BK would move its headquarters to Canada. This inversion deal would allow BK to continue less-than-subtly trolling the Big Mac with its Big King in the U.S. without paying U.S. corporate taxes.

We, of course, should have foreseen BK’s Benedict Arnold-esque retreat to Canada. By not naming any of their burgers after their weight in pounds, they won’t have to rebrand any products in their new metric system-using home.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Sex Sells

Sometimes, keeping your overhead costs low just isn’t worth it

Again, people, we completely understand that making an honest dollar is difficult. If you’re self-employed or a small business owner, you’re already at a disadvantage. Professional marketing is not cheap, which can be a striking blow as you’re trying to keep your overheads costs low. How else can you maximize your profitability?

Nonetheless, sometimes it’s worth it to spend the extra money. Just in case.

Also, know your market beforehand. Just because you’re at a library doesn’t necessarily mean that the sexy librarian motif is something you need to run with.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

ATM’s: sort of kind of maybe stronger than Harvey Dent’s face

Look, we at SG understand: it’s still pretty hard out there, these days. We all are in need of money. Having money makes things easier. It’s the truth!

So, we don’t condone, but we can understand someone trying to use a get-rich-quick scheme to obtain some easy money, even if the scheme is much more unlawful than anyone would like to admit. That said, there are three rules when it comes to a crime-laden get-rich-quick scheme:

  1. Don’t let the cost of your scheme be more than your total profit take.
  2. Don’t let your scheme injure someone.
  3. Be successful in your scheme.

According to police, a man at the University of Colorado managed to break all three rules. Way to go, dumbo.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Zero income tax also equals zero complaints

¡Ven a encantador, hermoso A Barca! ¿Tal vez usted está interesado en ser propietario de una porción de la aldea? ¿Qué hay de A Barca? ¡Puede ser tuyo por el precio bajo, bajo de cero Euros! ¡ Eso es menos de monedas en los Euros!

Es cierto, la propiedad no le costará nada más que un plan de desarrollo para el pueblo y la aprobación de la gente del pueblo. El único problema es que sus ciudadanos se están moviendo hacia fuera a un ritmo exponencial. Así que hay.

Por favor saber que actualmente estamos buscando inversionistas para el pueblo de en HombresSeriomentes.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Facepalm, KAPLOOIE!

Blowing yourself up safely

And the second most embarrassing/damaging thing an auto school did to its students? Naming itself "UTI."
And the second most embarrassing/damaging thing an auto school did to its students? Naming itself “UTI.”

As a non-terrorist organization (unless the Southern Poverty Law Center has received our application), The Guys freely admit that we are not experts in the field of suicide bombing. And we’re not teachers, either, so maybe we don’t have a robust perspective on continuing adult education and jobs training programs.

Non-credentials aside, we can safely say that safety is paramount when training the terrorists of tomorrow.

Iraqi officials report that Sunni militants accidentally detonated a practice car bomb at their training facility north of Baghdad, killing 21 potential “another person’s freedom-fighters” before they could blow themselves up upon graduation. And to heap on the embarrassment, those officials were then able to arrest an additional 22 militants in the chaos.

Learning a new trade later in life, especially in a bad economy, can be both exciting and a little scary. So, while yes, it’s good to go that extra mile in class presentations … you might want to leave your C4 at home.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, What a Reach!

Holiday financial cheer will cost ya

I am not opposed to free money. Not in the slightest. Free money is always fine with me, but apparently, not so much in Minnesota. Serge Vorobyov proceeded to throw, according to reports, his last thousand dollars (in stripper level amounts) over the third floor railing at the Mall of America on Black Friday. Why did he do so? We’re being given conflicting reasons:

  • Bloomington police, who said it was just a publicity stunt that Vorobyov hoped would persuade his estranged girlfriend to get back together
  • Vorobyov admitted throwing the money, which he had stamped with his YouTube address to direct people to it
  • He says he decided to throw out his “last $1,000 … to spread some holiday cheer … to make it snow money”

The chances of the three reasons all being one big happy accident are slim and none. So what’s the real reason? Who knows, but his act of charity ended in Vorobyov receiving a disorderly conduct ticket. I think the real question is just how much that’ll cost him.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Forbes neglects to count change in Saudi prince’s couch

"Jessica knows that she is intentionally slighting me when she says that I have a four-foot tall erection when it is actually four feet and 9.6 inches."
“Jessica knows that she is intentionally slighting me when she says that I have a four-foot tall erection when it is actually four feet and 9.6 inches. I have warned her repeatedly to stop subtracting one kadam to honor her Hebrew god.”

A Saudi prince is suing Forbes magazine for under-reporting his wealth. Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, the grandson of the founder of Saudi Arabia and nephew of King Abdullah, claims that Forbes was about $9.6 billion short in its recent ranking of the richest people in the world. He believes that they curbed him to a mere $20 billion to intentionally rank him lower because he is from the Middle East, leaving him only in 26th place. (Third world problems, right?)

However, between this and his other lawsuit, that extra $9.6 billion may be already spent on legal fees.

What other lawsuit? He’s suing one of his ex-girlfriends for under-reporting his penis size by 9.6 inches.