Category: Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Of course Detroit likes lemon water

The Guys will be honest with you: we don’t care much for Detroit. We’d say it’s not necessarily because of the town, but frankly, it’s totally because of the town. Detroit is a town that evokes the setting of Mad Max and The Road Warrior movies. It’s a war-torn country, despite being a town that’s never been in a battle.

And those were the goods day when the city had money! Now that’s it broke, it looks like a SyFy pictures version of The Road Warrior: emphasis on the car in carnage.

That’s why it only makes sense that when a youngster decided to help out his city’s financial problems by selling lemonade, the city would get right behind him and help him out. Why does it make sense?

Because only something sour and tart can survive in Detroit.

Animals hinder, rather than help, the economy

We all know that animals are NOT our friends. They should be our servants, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we should task them with jobs. Nonetheless, the UK feels otherwise. A warehouse in Southampton has hired a cat to be its security guard. Rather than stimulate the world economy, much less their own, by creating a new job, the people in charge of Bandai’s warehouse feel it would be better to have a four legged creature make the rounds.

REASONS WHY THIS IS A BAD IDEA

  • There are people out there allergic to animal fur, potentially children. By having a cat prowl around the toys, these children have been given a death sentence.
  • By paying the cat in fish and cat food, you’ve prevented families and hobos, respectively, from eating. Thus, the families and hobos have been given a death sentence.
  • Where are the checks and balances for Millie? When everyone goes home, who monitors the warehouse to make sure that the cat’s not letting in any of its destructive friends and planting them inside the toy boxes? You’ve now given the children an additional death sentence.

How do you sleep at night, Bandai toy warehouse?

Uruguay takes first step to becoming California of South America

Uruguay, the South American country that you just don’t hear about it or even think about all that often (Guyana being the other), has decided to make news once again. It makes sense as it’s been a decade since anyone’s thought of them. The country will do more than just legalize marijuana: it’ll (maybe) be selling the drug through government dealers.

Mind you, a lot of this concept, proposed by Uruguay’s President José Mujica (who looks like a Hispanic cross between Wilford Brimley and Giancarlo Giannini playing René Mathis), is being done under the pretext of fighting off the already-present drug dealers in the country.

The next step for the country: replacing Mujica with an aging bodybuilder/actor.

Your doodies will save the economy

Back at the beginning of last month, we told you about a proposal against cursing in public being brought up, potentially to raise funds for the town of Middleborough, Massachusetts.

In a move that surprises no one in these financially-starved days, the proposal has gone through. Thanks to a near landslide vote of 183 to 50, anyone swarthy and sailor-y enough to use vulgarities in public will now be forced to hand over one Andrew Jackson plastered greenback. As to be expected, the ACLU has already taken an interest in the matter.

Booze Team, we can now cross off Middleborough from the list of the next reunion locations.

Economic revitalization, one doody at a time

Poop. Frack. Frick. Doody. Gee whiz. Gosh darn.

Unless you happen to have a lot of Andrew Jacksons in your wallet at all times while you’re in Middleborough, Massachusetts, get used to saying those words rather than their more … salacious cousins. Police Chief Bruce Gates has proposed that 20 dollar tickets be issued to people caught using vulgarities in public as a way to enforce a quality of life and cut back on noise pollution. Friend of the guys Paul Healey has officially been banned from a city.

Crap.

Women are both the cause and solution of Japanese work problems

According to figures put together by the 21st Century Public Policy Institute, a think tank linked to Japan’s Keidanren business federation, Japan might no longer fall among the world’s top economies by the year 2050. A shrinking and aging population and a decline in productivity are listed as factors influencing the downgrade.

The institute predicts that in a matter of 40 years Japan’s GDP could dip to about ⅙ that of China and the U.S, and ⅓ that of India. However, if policymakers could boost workforce participation by women to the same level seen in more gender-progressive countries such as Sweden, Japan could be the 4th largest economy by mid-century. The report states that if women did not quit their jobs due to marriage or childbirth, Japan’s workforce could see an increase of up to 4.5 million people in a matter of years.

Of course, achieving this goal would require a massive change in Japan’s corporate culture. That should be eezy-peezy.

Hippies are ruining our economy

No, this is not hyperbole (at least, we can assume Sageworks feels that way). According to early research, it seems that the more haircuts that take place, the stronger the economy grows. When people take time off from cutting their follicles, the economy tends to plummet.

As we all know, hippies are the long-haired arch-nemesis of the haircut (and myself. And Bryan McBournie). We now have conclusive proof of the damage that they bring. Don’t be a hippie. Support your nation and get your ears lowered. You wouldn’t want to be unpatriotic, right Ryan (I say to my younger brother)?

Blame it on the high stakes world of snack foods

It’s a dark, dark day for the Twinkie, and we don’t mean it’s past its near immortal expiration date length. Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, Ho-Hos, Suzy Q’s, Ding Dongs, Donettes, Sno Balls, Zingers and Wonder Bread, is filing for Chapter 11. Sadly, this is probably a very smart decision for them, financially, considering the company is more than 860 million dollars in debt.

Despite making 2.5 billion dollars in sales, it’s just not as cheap to be in the snack cake business as it used to be. Rising prices for ingredients are being given some of the blame, along with increasing labor costs. It’s a pressure cooker world, the snack cake business it is.

We can only wonder what Little Debbie, that strumpet, did to stay so long in this business. It’s probably not fit to print.

It’s like a Family Guy plot made real

It doesn’t matter how bad off a situation you’re in: there are some things that you shouldn’t skimp on at all when it comes to money. These include donuts, toilet paper, ties and elective surgery.

A horse is a course of horse, of horse

In the War on Animals, there are certain species that have traditionally been granted a reprieve in exchange for service. Dogs, for one, have been mistakenly classified as “man’s best friend” when we all know man’s real best friend is anyone who will bury a body for you, not just a pig ear. But, another species just can’t make the cut anymore in this day of internal combustion engines: horses.

As part of a new spending bill signed into law on Nov. 18, Congress removed a five-year-old ban on funding horse meat inspections. The USDA stated that there are no slaughterhouses for horses at this time, but it’s only a matter of time before we catch up with Mexico and Canada where they butchered 138,000 for human consumption in 2010.

Although the Guys never stopped eating horse — resorting to even glue — during the past five years, we’re glad that chili con pony is back on the menu.