Republican presidential also-runner, John Kasich found himself skewered in the press for eating pizza with a fork in Queens. The Ohio state governor complained that his pizza was too hot, but fortunately didn’t drop it in his lap. Otherwise, his first executive order (in the universe where Republicans primary voters instinctively support whoever looks most like Otter from Animal House) would be to slap a warning label on pizza boxes.
We’d describe this as John Kasich’s Mike Dukakis tank ride or Howard Dean yell, but he has no lead to blow. Which is what some aide should have done to his pizza.
Sure, we could bring you real election news, but does Donald “Punish Women who get Abortions” Trump need more coverage? We think not.
We don’t agree on a lot right now, and every name we read about in the news manages to polarize the country: Trump, Clinton, Cruz and even Bernie Sanders. (Yes, we get it. He’s your awesome college roommate, only 50 years older.)
And, then there’s McBoatface.
Boaty McBoatface has done what no other prominent name on the Internet can do: unite everyone and win clear-cut support. But she doesn’t want to lead the free world. All she wants (and we know it’s a “she” because) is to be the name of a British polar research vessel.
People of all ages and stripes have overwhelmingly supported her cause, beating out other more established names like Shackleton, Endeavour and Falcon. (We’d love to see the Endeavor/Falcon ticket try again in ’20.) But, even though the people have spoken, it looks like the Establishment — in this case, the Natural Environment Research Council — will overrule our votes and send McBoatface down the same tributary of history as Nader, McGovern and Perot.
We shouldn’t be surprised, though. We fought a war the last time the British government refused to recognize our right to representation.
Well, HBO finally noticed that everyone’s either jumping into and out of their HBO Now streaming service between Game of Thrones seasons or sharing accounts. How? Because there are only 800,000 accounts. Whoops.
So, like Hillary Clinton asking for a dollar from all of her supporters who don’t work for Citibank, the non-HBO-subscribing Game of Thrones viewers need a few more people to subscribe year-round to HBO Now. Or they’ll pull the plug. Or worse: include ads.
The Guys would do it ourselves, but, as much as we like John Oliver, we just can’t pay to watch the same four movies every eight hours (plus two hours of the softest of softcore pornography).
But, you, you should totally do it. And then give us your password.
State lawmakers in Kansas, including Sen. Mitch Holmes, are red-faced over women’s attire in the state house. At first, they were blushing due to reports of low-cut tops and mini-skirts, and then after being thoroughly lashed with the keyboards of the Tumblrazzi for slut-shaming.
Holmes and his fellow Republicans received criticism for only addressing women’s inappropriate attire, but not men’s. So, from here on out, men no longer have to wear pants, jacket and tie in the state house, but can now wear tank tops and shorts with hems halfway up the knee.
That’s right, men of Kansas’ law: dress for the job you want, which is giving up your self-worth in return for lobbyists’ money.
A baby in Spain nearly died of scurvy after drinking almond milk-based formula instead of something that nutritionally resembles breast milk. Fortunately, it only took 8 months and an inability to touch his legs without causing pain before someone took him to the doctor.
Almond milk, which is mostly bullsh*t (it’s the number three ingredient after water and almonds), doesn’t contain enough vitamin C to prevent malnutrition, especially when you’re too young to suck limes on longer ocean voyages.
So, it’s very important that, once again, we demonstrate the Internet’s renowned sensitive side and respect this weenie’s safe space. And his little dog’s, too. Send your kindest, warmest regards to King Bhumibol Adulyadej and Tongdaeng through the Royal Thai embassy.
Some topics to avoid/show sensitivity to:
How the king’s breath smells suspiciously like dog tongue
The curious lack of peanut butter despite Thai cooking in the royal palace
How the king’s book about Tongdaeng lacks any sense of structure, character, and the Aristotelian unities
The military junta he hides behind that overthrew a legitimately elected democratic government so he can wear stupid furry hat without criticism
We know we can count on you to make up for a few bad apples, Internet. Well, this little guy needs all the kind words you can give him.
OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.
Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).
And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.
It’s only been a week since Halloween (we haven’t even changed our message in the sidebar yet, fer pete’s), and imaginary battle lines have already been drawn in the non-going War on Christmas.
Starbucks unveiled plain red cups that they will use this season, presumably to pedal out America’s peppermint-flavored fixes. Because Starbucks is already somehow a political cudgel for gun rights, one or two of the usual Christian attention whores have declared this an affront to god, whatever the holy spirit is and the only baby with a beard, Jesus Christ himself. (Fun fact: his middle initial, “H,” actually stands for “Himself.”)
This has prompted a far larger crowd of perpetually eye-rolling online activists to prop up those one or two angry people as the Official Christian Response to Starbucks, effectively doing a better job of spreading hypocritical Christian angst than the Westboro Baptists. (That’s how we found out about this whole to-do, not because of Pastor Dave’s blog post/call to boycott.)
Meanwhile, Starbucks is doing better than ever, selling coffee to both the aggrieved (who are “tricking” baristas into writing misspelling “Merry Christmas” on their cups by saying that’s their name) and the humanist keyboard commandos alike. Other seasonal causes, like feeding and clothing the poor this winter and Movember, will have to try harder to offend for this kind of success.
Stock fell for the Subway of burritos, Chipotle, after reports of people getting E. coli from their food hit the press. There have been 22 reported cases of infection, but it’s impossible to know how many were really infected since diarrhea is already a symptom of eating at Chipotle.
That people could get diseases from Chipotle’s food may be surprising for some since the chain claims that all of its ingredients are not from genetically modified organisms (or GMOs). So, at least we’re all getting organic, free-range sh*ts.