Category: Facepalm

| Filed under Facepalm

‘Jeopardy’ contestants they ain’t

"Waking a tired shark?"
“Riding a derby horse? Dirty horse? Tired horse? Short horse? Farty horse? Horse horse? How many kinds of horses can there be? Next puzzle!”

Poor Pat Sajak. Well, not poor Pat Sajak. A 30-year steady paycheck on television is nothing to moan about. But still, it’s gotta suck hosting the sort of contestants who qualify for a multiple-choice spelling bee for adults.

Contestants on Monday’s Best Friends Week episode nearly broke Sajak, who still managed to keep it together with joke-rage. (You know, where you pretend to jokingly yell what you’re actually screaming in your head because it’s more polite than physical violence?)

Maybe Sajak gets to move up to Jeopardy when Alex Trebek retires.

| Filed under Facepalm

Adventurers Club of Los Angeles still not ready to talk to a girl

"You mean to say you didn't have a penis while losing your legs in Iraq? We're sorry, Rep. Duckworth, but the Adventurers Club finds you insufficiently adventurous."
“You mean to say that you didn’t have a penis while losing your legs in Iraq? We’re sorry, Rep. Duckworth, but the Adventurers Club finds you Insufficiently Adventurous.'”

For all their bluster about climbing the world’s tallest mountains, running in its longest races and hunting its most ferocious animals, the Adventurers Club of Los Angeles still can’t handle the mere idea of sitting in the same room with a girl every meeting.

The 93-year-old organization, which selects members based on the premise of “leaving the beaten path,” voted Thursday night to continue not allowing women to join their club. That would just be leaving the beaten path a little too far. [Warning: Their Web site has also not left the beaten path since 2000.]

We would be remiss to not mention that the He-Man No Girls Allowed Club does occasionally allow women who have sufficiently adventured enough to speak before them. We’re just not sure if they have to wear a false beard and lower their voices while presenting.

So, congratulations, you manly heroes, you. Maybe next year, you can vote on whether two guys accidentally touching knees under a table means they’re both super-homo-gay.

| Filed under Booze News, Facepalm

Cunning while intoxicated

Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.
Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.

When facing solid, nearly incontrovertible proof of driving while intoxicated, your options are limited. Basically, you can either hang it up and consider yourself a pedestrian for the near future. Or, like Kenneth Desormes, you can look at the sh*t sandwich you ordered from life and try to take a great big bite out of it.

After being brought into a New York state trooper station on suspicion of DWI, Desormes’ breathalyzer results were printed out. He seized the opportunity and tried to eat the incriminating paperwork that said that his blood alcohol content measured 0.13 percent — well above the legal limit of 0.08. He, however, did not get the whole thing down and troopers added charges of obstructing governmental administration and criminal tampering.

We salute Mr. Desormes’ man-of-action decision-making, even though there was no chance in the world it would work. It’s not like printing a file automatically deletes it from the police computer system.

| Filed under Facepalm, War on Animals

Please don’t feed the bears … ‘s egos

You're not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear.
You’re not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear. You can’t sepia-tone that.

Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)

But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.

U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].

People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.

Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
| Filed under Facepalm, Headline of the Day, Nostalgia Craze Gone Too Far

Coming Soon: … A collection of plastic moving parts from a recent movie

Coming soon to a desk near you. (We're joking that it's a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto. Yes, like wasps.)
Coming soon to a desk near you. (We’re joking that it’s a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed-up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto.) (Yes, like wasps.)

In case you younger viewers were confused by the piece of sci-fi alien tech that Starlord used in Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s called a tape cassette and actually comes from our own species’ past.

And now, you can buy one, even if you don’t have the means to play it.

And that’s a good thing because you don’t have the tool to fix your cassette when it eventually unspools.
| Filed under Facepalm

What? Was ‘Putin on the Pepperoni’ already taken?

Those stupid Russians, amiright?
Those stupid Russians, amiright?

Russian civilians are not taking U.S.-led sanctions against their economy sitting down. The U.S.-lead sanctions in response to Russian military actions in Ukraine put the recently-opened New York Pizzeria in the far eastern region of Amur in the spotlight.

According to Russian media* (so, you know, take that how you will), angry Russian patriots filed a petition with the local government, demanding that the name be changed to something more patriotic. Just, you know, without any helpful ideas or suggestions:

Such a name conjures up images of U.S. symbols like the Statue of Liberty at a time when the U.S. is pressuring Russia with economic sanctions, the letter says, before asking if there are no Russian names for a pizzeria.

The pizzeria ended up changing their name themselves to Amur Pizza because people are dumb and Russia has about as much to do with pizza as Italy.

But, of course, nothing like that would ever happen here in freedom-loving America, right?

*Bonus: The comments are pretty damn entertaining and a nice break from the crap we find at the bottom of our own news posts.

| Filed under Facepalm, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: The right way and the FCC way

As no stranger to the ongoing debate over the Washington Redskins’ team name and a fan of the team, this year has proved to be one of the most interesting ones. Hey, I need something to keep me interested in a season that is still three wins away from besting last season … in Week 5.

First, the United States Patent and Trademark Office cancelled six of the team’s trademarks, all involving the word “Redskins” and one of them being, adorably, “Redskinettes.”

Then, The Daily Show had the audacity to make defensive Redskins fans actually look at and maybe even talk to real Native Americans who don’t like the team name — people that my fellow Redskins fans have insisted don’t really exist. And the season 18 opener of South Park absolutely destroyed.

And now, as more and more sportscasters refuse to say the team’s name on the air, the FCC is considering banning the word “Redskins” from broadcasts.

Aaaaaaandthat’s where you lost me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not opposed to changing the team name, especially since most of the arguments for keeping it are utterly moronic when changing it is so much simpler. But changing already obtuse FCC rules to get around what should be an easy decision of conscience or at least of business? That’s a recipe for disaster, and here’s why …  Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm

‘Like this if you think I’m a good person’

"Paying it forward, so now you can pay it forward by sharing my post about my good deed."
“Paying it forward, so now you can pay it forward by sharing my post about my good deed.”

One of the biggest problems with maintaining an online presence is making sure everyone knows you’re a good person. It’s why we only post flattering pictures and have to apologize immediately on the nearest late night couch when we fumble a joke.

So, when you do something grand and unexpectedly nice (for instance, leaving an overworked waiter a $100 tip despite lousy service), what’s the best way to make sure everyone knows about it?

You could wait to see if the waiter posts it up on his blog/Facebook/shrine to nice people in their bedroom closet. Or,  you can follow Makenzie Schultz’s example and post it yourself, the very same day, receipt and all.

And presto: you’re now recognized by your peers as a terrific human being and role model. Or put on ignore. Same difference — heroes aren’t always recognized in their own lifetimes or social media feeds.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Facepalm

For the worker who can’t find new ways to demean themselves

Your move, people sitting on ab balls.
Your move, people sitting on ab balls.

Do you ever worry that you haven’t sacrificed enough at work? To date, the average American office worker has forsaken

  • Salaries that rise to match inflation and higher costs of living.
  • Pensions.
  • Evenings and weekends free from phone call and emails.
  • Offices.
  • All physical activity.

But, what if we told you that you could get back that last item — physical activity — and all you’d have to trade is in the only thing you have left: dignity?

Introducing: the Hamster Wheel Standing Desk. It’s a hamster wheel that you stand in while working at your standing desk. (Cedar chips that eliminate loss of productivity due to leaving your desk to go to the restroom sold separately.)

| Filed under Facepalm, How To

How To: Fit the new iPhone to your pants

You've wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.
You’ve wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.

While Apple has delivered tools to improve our work efficiency and ability to browse pornography in the bathroom, that convenience can also create problems. Fortunately, “lifehackers” are here to solve the downsides to being bored, middle class and adverse to going to a store to see how big things are before buying them.

Take, for instance, the new iPhones 6 and 6-Plus. Because they’re not in stores yet, how are we supposed to know which model will fit our pants?

You could print out paper models or test pocket the Motorola Moto X and Samsung Galaxy Note 3, as c|net helpfully suggests.

Or, you can save time by using The Guys method for sizing your next iPhone: look at your pants. Are the pockets roughly the same size as they’ve always been? Did you recently switch to wearing only breeches, or are you suddenly wearing billowy diapers under them? Can you feel how your current phone fits in there?

Then you should know if 5 inches of phone will fit inside your pants or not.

You can thank us by using your newly freed up time to find real problems to solve.