Category: Facepalm

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Pandas endanger smart cars

If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they're supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.
If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they’re supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.

Even though The Guys hate our animal foes and will stop at nothing to eradicate them in our War on Animals, we also respect them. We respect them because they’re worthy foes. Well, except the panda. But, we also respect them because there are certain things they can do better than us. Well, except the panda again.

Scientists in Belgium noticed that pandas can almost digest raw bamboo. Sure, they lack the energy to mate or maul a zookeeper like a proper bear, but, yes, they digest it. So, they’re studying panda poo to find out how their gut enzymes churn out a subsistence level of energy to improve biofuels.

If this isn’t a damning indictment of our current biofuels, then we don’t know what is.

| Filed under Facepalm, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: ‘Disliking’ the bare minimum of empathy

"Which does the crowd favor for this post? Like or dislike? Like ... ? Or ... DISLIKE."
“Which does the crowd favor for this post? Like or dislike? Like … ? Or … DISLIKE.”

Alright, before everyone gets their tits in a wringer about people clicking “dislike” on pictures of their haircuts, dinners and weddings: Facebook isn’t creating a “dislike” button.

Let me repeat that: there will not be a “dislike” button to click when somebody pisses you off. You’ll still have to use two mouse clicks to either ignore or unfriend them.

That said, Facebook is, however, developing a too-be-named empathy button based on at least thousands — if not millions — of requests for one because it feels kind of sh*tty to “like” when somebody’s grandma died. But what those potentially millions of users don’t realize is that it’s also kind of sh*tty to use a single mouse click and think they’re empathizing with someone’s pain.

The fact that thousands — if not millions — of users will finally achieve their dream of expressing empathy with the same calories burned to not type “LOL” at someone’s joke isn’t Facebook’s fault; it’s ours. (Although I will entertain arguments that it’s our fault because of years of using Facebook.)  Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm

The urge to LinkIn … if you know what we mean ;)

"Hey, baby. Are you tired? Because you've been running through my spreadsheets all night."
“Hey, baby. Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my spreadsheets all night.”

A recent exchange on LinkedIn between two British lawyers has the Internet asking, “Is LinkedIn the new Tinder?” And by the Internet, we mean LinkedIn, whose staff and shareholders now falsely hope that someone has found a use for Facebook’s boring accountant brother.

Charlotte Proudman, a relatively young attorney, received a message from an older one, Alexander Carter-Silk, the sole extent being to compliment her on her looks. This was after couching it in a warning that what he was about to say “is probably horrendously politically incorrect,” which shows us that the British even trump us in manners when ‘trolling for strange online.

Proudman told Carter-Silk off, saying she was using LinkedIn for business connections, not for an old game of “Let’s Leave the Funny Barrister Wigs On,” and has since become a pariah online as a “feminazi.” But she’s not the only one. Other women are reporting having to use frumpier pictures on the site to avoid unwanted advances from male users on the site. So, maybe it is the new Tinder?

In any case, the Guys would like our wives to know that, if our names show up in a hacked list of LinkedIn users, we only signed up straight out of college to hook up with hot recruiters and don’t even use our accounts anymore.

| Filed under Facepalm, KAPLOOIE!

USAF makes droning monotony of droning somehow dronier

The USAF could at least try to make drone operators feel better with memes like: "I don't see color; I kill all infrared people."
The USAF could at least try to make drone operators feel better with memes like: “I don’t see color; I kill all infrared people.”

The U.S. Air Force just ain’t what it used to be. Sure, they still throw devil-may-care men and women into supersonic death machines that cost more than some European countries. But, they don’t wear scarves anymore. Also, most of their daily operations in exotic combat zones are now conducted using drones operated from places like New Mexico, which is not nearly as exciting as Breaking Bad made it look.

The worst part about droning is the droning, detached nature of it. Drone operators experience all of the agonies of war (including similar PTSD rates as their pilot counterparts), only without the exhilaration of flight, pee breaks or chance for promotion or even recognition. And that’s despite killing more Al Qaeda Number Twos than introducing non-crumbly cheese into the Middle Eastern diet.

Fortunately, the USAF has a plan! That plan is memes. Terrible memes with a dad’s understanding of what the original content actually meant. Because trying to speak to younger people in their own language always works best. Right, dudes?

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day, War on Animals

World’s dumbest salamander found in amber

Even though it was, by all accounts, a dummy, that won't stop us from using it as whatever a paperweight is.
We can’t wait to clone it, Jurassic Park-style, and play hours and hours of “Pete and Re-pete.”

It’s important to remember that, as we fight what seems to be a losing War on Animals every spring through fall, that natural selection has given us only the most fit of foes. So, it’s a tough war, but would our sacrifices mean anything if it was easy? Like, if the Caribbean salamander were still alive?

Scientists had long suspected that the Caribbean had salamanders, and now we know why they died off. They finally found one preserved in amber.

‘There are very few salamander fossils of any type, and no one has ever found a salamander preserved in amber,’ study author George Poinar, Jr., a professor emeritus in the Oregon State’s College of Science, said in a press release.

In other words: they were even dumb by salamander standards.

So, feel good about that bug you squashed today. Even if you outsize it by, like, 5 to 1? (we’re warriors, not model designers), you still crushed the very best nature could throw at you. And that’s why we choose to fight the animals: not because it is easy, but because it is hahd hard.

| Filed under Facepalm

Paying your fine: against the law?

If pennies can pay your way into the afterlife or high fashion, then they're good enough for petty municipal fines.
If pennies can pay your way into the afterlife or high fashion, then they’re good enough for petty bureaucrats and their provincial fines.

We’ve all at one time been tempted to pay a fine entirely in pennies, perhaps pouring them all out in front of whichever unlucky government employee’s kiosk you walk up to.

But there’s another way to describe paying your fine with pennies: paying your fine. Are not pennies legal tender? Even if they are not silver or green, do they not turn silverish or green given enough time in a fountain or especially sweaty pocket?

And yet, one Pennsylvania man, Justin Greene, was denied the right — nay, privilege — actually, legal requirement to pay his $25 parking ticket fine in legal, U.S. Treasury Department-issued currency: one cent pieces.

Town officials turned away perfectly legal tender — even if it is ignored by all but the dumbest children when found on the ground — based on a repealed federal law that made pennies and nickels not legal tender for transactions over 25 cents. After learning their error, they will install coin counting machines for future completely legal payments of actual money.

Mr. Greene may have been denied the satisfaction of emptying a sock on government property, but his example means others will have that chance now. And that makes him fully minted hero in this crazy, bureaucratic, paperless world.

| Filed under Facepalm

Best time for Best Korea

It's Pyongyang Time! Everybody party like they hit the snooze alarm three times!
It’s Pyongyang Time! Everybody party like they hit the snooze alarm three times!

Best Korea (commonly called “North Korea” by capitalist pigs) is so not playing the imperialist Western game that it’s not even using the same clock anymore.

The country’s official Korea Central News Agency announced their new, unique time zone that is 30 minutes behind Japan and Worst Korea. Called “Pyongyang Time,” the zone will undo the tyranny of time once set on Korea by Japan in 1910.

Not everyone, of course, is on board with this plan. Worst Korea is already complaining that the conflicting interpretation of time will interfere with joint factory operations at the Kaesong industrial park. But, if workers would like to sleep in an extra half hour and live purely to prop up the Kim family, then they can always defect!

| Filed under Facepalm

Laying low budget

On the other hand, criminals can hide in plain sight if their movie's highly enough regarded.
On the other hand, criminals can hide in plain sight if their movie’s highly enough regarded.

While it may be possible for once famous actors to disappear into regrettable roles in B-movies, the same can’t be said for escaped fugitives.

That’s what Jason Stange, a man wanted by authorities for allegedly violating his parole in 2014, learned after appearing in a low-budget horror film. U.S. Marshals identified Stange from a picture in a Olympia, Washington newspaper feature on the film, Marla Mae, in which he plays an evil doctor.

We’re guessing this is exactly what Laurence Olivier felt like during Clash of the Titans.

| Filed under Facepalm

FDA: Restaurants don’t know what they’re serving you

Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.
Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.

Even though we’ve put nutritional information on every food product sold in grocery stores for at least 30 years, our nation’s restaurants and grocery stores have successfully lobbied to delay posting calorie counts on their menus for another year.

The Food and Drug Administration delayed rolling out part of the Affordable Care Act due to ongoing haggling with food manufacturers over what a menu is, what’s considered a serving and what happens when someone “has it their way,” changing the calorie count. Basically, restaurants — and grocery stores that serve prepared food — would rather we believe that they don’t know what they’re serving us than admit what they’re serving us: surplus calories through added sugar and fat.

Restaurants of America: have some pride. You’ve convinced an entire nation that cooking is too hard to do at home, yet pay minimum wage to those who cook for you. You set up play areas that you don’t have to clean by making your best child customers too obese and sedentary to play in them. And the chains (20 locations or more) that are targeted by this legislation run test kitchens to make food addictive, yet you don’t know how to count and post the calories in it? This is why we pass laws.