Category: Facepalm

| Posted in Facepalm, The Guys in Moms

Hang up and let your kid drive

"I learned it from you, Dad! Alright? I learned it from texting you!"
“You, alright?! I learned it by texting you!

According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent

‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.

So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.

| Posted in Facepalm

Comic Sans’ Latino totalitarian younger brother

ChavezPro: the preferred font for every world leader who dresses like Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
ChavezPro: the preferred font for every world leader who dresses like Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

Things are getting a bit … North Korea-y in Venezuela a year after Hugo Chavez’s death.

First, his successor, Nicolas Maduro, claims to have twice received otherworldly visits/messages from Chavez in the form of birds.

Then, Venezuela’s ruling Socialist Party declared Chavez their “eternal leader.”

And now, party supporters have launched a font patterned after Chavez’s handwriting: ChavezPro.

The joke’s on the Socialists, though. Although they distribute the file for free in accordance with their principles, Hot Topic will make millions off of it by printing it on $30 t-shirts.

| Posted in Facepalm

Coney Island suffers aerial Godwinning

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If it makes the Raelians, Hindus and Buddhists feel better, Americans lost a cool, fun symbol to assh*les, too.

On Saturday, July 12th — a day that will live in ambivalence — people with misplaced priorities launched an unprovoked shock campaign on Coney Island and Long Island, New York. Using a banner plane, they flew a banner displaying swastikas, including one over the Star of David, as part of their efforts to “rehabilitate” the symbol.

The sponsors, ProSwasika.org, is tired of everyone instantly associating the swastika with the fairly recent extermination of 11 million people. Instead, they’d rather we associate it with good luck and good will, for which the symbol was originally intended, even though you can express the same sentiment with literally any other symbol. Millions of them, guys, that never flew over a death factory.

Just like a pair of favorite jeans after Tacos and Laxativos Night, there are certain things that can never be made unclean.

| Posted in Facepalm

Olive Garden solves their ‘food’ problem

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“We figured out the problem: it’s that our logo has grapes in it even though we’re the Olive Garden. It’s definitely not that we invented the only breadsticks that give you unlimited diarrhea.”

Darden Restaurants, Inc., the parent company of family feedbags with stupid stuff on the walls like LongHorn, has decided to sell off Red Lobster and drastically remodel Olive Garden.

The Olive Garden redesign will include a new logo, a more open floor layout, smaller menu items and being able to order food from your phone and then stare at your phone in the parking lot until someone brings reheated lasagna to your car.

Red Lobster, however, will most likely now sleep with the fishes. Way to go, America. Now where are we going to meet Shooter McGavin?

| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day

Garth Brooks to do to Ireland what he did to music

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Fun Fact: All of Ireland’s troubles are potato-shaped.

U.S. country singer and face on your mom’s over-sized sleep shirt, Garth Brooks, only wants to perform five concerts in Ireland. And if he can’t have five shows, then he won’t perform at all.

Now Irish business groups are worried that “the Garth Brooks saga” will damage their tourism industry and upcoming bids for the Rugby World Cup and soccer competitions.

The last time a Garth Brooks saga threatened this much destruction was when that Chris Gaines guy started playing his shows.

| Posted in Facepalm

Harry Potter and the Self-referential Author

“Muuuuudblooooooooooods!”

The Guys don’t have an opinion on Scotland’s independence — it’s been a long time and many controversial outbursts since Braveheart. But, we do have enough sense that, if we did, we wouldn’t couch that opinion in “Hey, remember those children’s books I wrote?”

J.K. Rowling — author of the only seven books many people have ever read and one or two more that didn’t involve magic, so who cares? — donated at least 1 million pounds to an anti-Scottish independence organization ahead of an upcoming vote for exiting the United Kingdom.

Ms. Rowling, who lives in Scotland and will most likely participate in the vote added that she opposes elements responsible for the independence movement because of their nationalist tendency to question the bloodlines of anyone who wants to stay part of the UK. Which is a solid argument … Until you accuse them of being the villains of your book series, “death-eaters.”

That’s one self-serving way to avoid achieving Godwin’s Law.

| Posted in Booze News, Facepalm

And back to court we go

"Who's he?" "My designated driver." "And him?" "My defense attorney."
“Who’s he?”
“My designated driver!”
“And him?”
“My defense attorney!”

So, um, going out for drinks after winning that big case where your client was accused of drunkenly stumbling into a nine-year-old’s bed? Probably not the best idea.

Defense attorney, Scott Rosenblum, was arrested by police just after midnight for a DWI after crashing his car. Earlier that day, he successfully got his client, Daniel Hughes, found not guilty of statutory sodomy and child molestation charges after hotel staff gave Hughes the wrong room key, causing him to go to the wrong room and crawl into a bed with the young girl.

Yep, it’s the blind drunk leading the blind drunk.

| Posted in Facepalm

The joke is that the Internet is the opposite of serious business

"I know what you're thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us."
“I know what you’re thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us.”

Hello, and welcome to the Internet! If you are …

  • … a person, please proceed to Pornography.
  • … a corporation or governmental entity, please stick to your own Web site.

No, really, nationally-vested entity that relies on a positive image to maintain its authority, you do not want to do anything else. Especially use social media. Historically, it has never gone well.

Alright, then, NYPD. Let’s see if you can do better.

Nope.

| Posted in Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Posted in Facepalm

A chest as greasy as your face

Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.
Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.

Hey, speaking of prom and the crass, mini-marriage racket it’s become: have you ordered a corsage yet? Of course not — flowers are stupid, don’t smell like Axe and, besides, you already spent all your money on hiring male strippers for your prom-posal.

Fortunately, the minds that brought you the Double-Down and not having to say “Kentucky Fried Chicken” at 3 A.M. have struck breaded and fried gold once again. They’ve partnered with an actual g*ddamn florist to create a corsage featuring a fried drumstick.

And if your date won’t kiss you by the end of the night, at least you’ve got the dog’s attention.