Category: Facepalm

| Filed under Facepalm

No Cliff’s Notes for poetry

Deep down, we all know that we’re supposed to like poetry. The problem is that, unless it’s assigned and will be on the final, we’re not going to read it. And we won’t be able to quote it unless it’s been in a movie — just don’t ask us what poem “O, captain, my captain!” comes from or who wrote it.

"It's called poetry, sport, and thanks to a handful of quotes in this movie, you'll never have to actually read it."
“It’s called poetry, sport, and thanks to a handful of quotes in this movie, you’ll never have to actually read it.”

But, because poetry is Important, we know that we should celebrate it, regardless of not knowing a lick of it. And that’s how the U.S. Postal Service screwed up Maya Angelou’s stamp with a quote that wasn’t hers: because it references a caged bird singing. That’s an Angelou poem, right?

(It isn’t. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings is her autobiography. And the title comes from a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar. Titled “Sympathy.”)

Nice try, America. Maybe we should stick to quoting our more telegenic civil rights leaders.

| Filed under Facepalm

So, there’s religious freedom … as always

Religious liberty soon to remain unthreatened in Indiana, provided nobody throws their snakes at homosexual or transgender people.
Religious liberty soon to remain utterly not threatened in Indiana, provided nobody throws their snakes at homosexual or transgender people.

Republican lawmakers in Indiana are finalizing amendments to the controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which is, in itself, odd because at no point has the First Amendment been repealed, and the free exercise of religion remains tax-free. The new language will include the first protections based on sexual and gender identity in Indiana state law history.

So, to recap: a law enacted mostly by and on behalf of homophobic “pro-family” organizations to protect their perceived right to deny goods and services to LGBT folks — under the guise of “restoring” an over 200-year-old nationally-protected right — will soon be protecting the very people that the bill’s backers wanted to hurt.

And, holy underwear, are the fundies pissed now that their bill, as a winking nod to Jim Crow, is as meaningless as its dumb name:

‘At this very moment, the Indiana Senate is considering ‘water-down’ language to the recently passed and pro-religious-liberty bill, Religious Freedom Restoration Act,’ [the American Family Association’s Micah Clark said in an update email to followers]. ‘Homosexual activists are demanding Christian business owners in Indiana be forced to compromise their faith.’

[Emphasis ours.]

News like this can only remind of us Kurt Vonnegut, who advised us all to occasionally notice, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”

| Filed under Facepalm, KAPLOOIE!

Some hippie tried to kill us all with organics

It turns out that organic products don't make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home.
Who knew that organic products don’t make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home? Next we’re gonna learn that it doesn’t make cat sh*t safer, either.

An all natural, organic kitty litter brand is behind one of the most high-profile nuclear contamination releases in recent history, according to a report by the Department of Energy.

It’s a standard practice to absorb nuclear waste with kitty litter. However, in February 2014, a barrel of waste exploded at a federal waste facility, and it’s because some organic freak at Los Alamos National Laboratory switched out the normal clay stuff for the wheat-based Swheat Scoop, which was incompatible with the contents of the barrel.

So, remember: organic is good for you, except when it isn’t.

| Filed under Facepalm

No more band camp for Secret Service

The other option is to make the Oval Office look more like the Secret Service's existing training facility.
The other option is to make the Oval Office look more like the Secret Service’s existing training facility.

There’s one way to make sure the U.S. Secret Service doesn’t very lightly run into their own barricades while protecting the President: build a second White House.

No, they haven’t hit the bottle again while watching Blazing Saddles, foiling terrorists by sending them to a fake White House. The Secret Service just thinks it would make more sense to train in a facility that actually resembles the place they defend every day. This would be a substantial upgrade over

‘… a parking lot, basically,’ said Joseph Clancy, director of the Secret Service. ‘We put up a makeshift fence and walk off the distance between the fence at the White House and the actual house itself. We don’t have the bushes, we don’t have the fountains, we don’t get a realistic look at the White House.’

We fully support this idea and believe construction should begin immediately. But, no Irish!

… OK, the Irish, too.

| Filed under Facepalm

Improve coffee first, *then* tackle race relations

And to really get the racism discussion rolling, be sure to tell your barista that your name is either "Niger," "Ching," "Slone" or "Horky."
And to really get the racism discussion rolling, tell your barista that your name is either “Niger,” “Ching,” “Slone” or “Horky.”

As the world celebrates St. Patrick’s Day, The Guys would like to take a moment to reflect on race for a moment. So, put your drinks down for a moment, you Irish bugs, because enlightenment is on its way.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has a dream: that one day, people of all races, will be judged by the content of their overpriced coffee and not by the color of their skin. Or, at the very least, by the phrase scrawled on the surface of said cup.

That’s why he’s required that all baristas to write “Race Together” on every cup they serve and, if anybody asks, explain the importance of compassion and empathy to improve race relations in America.

It’s almost the least he could do, other than just start #RaceTogether on Twitter and Instagram.

| Filed under Booze News, Facepalm

Secret Service still the best at taking shots

Armstrong Barriers: Secret Service-tested, president-approved.
Armstrong Barriers: Secret Service-tested, Jack Daniels-approved.

Two U.S. Secret Service agents reportedly collided their car into a White House barrier Wednesday night. According to House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), the agents were partying in Georgetown to celebrate a Secret Service spokesman’s retirement (too soon, apparently) until called back to respond to an incident at the White House.

Alcohol is suspected as a factor, which isn’t much of a secret considering that these are the same barriers that the Secret Service set up in the first place. At this point, the only secret that the Secret Service has kept protected is that they graduated from the police academy back when Commandant Lassard was in charge of it.

In other news: The Guys are definitely becoming U.S. Secret Service agents.

| Filed under Facepalm

All fun and games until counter-terrorism forces arrive

If there’s one night in everyone’s life that can quickly inflate to accusations of terrorism, it’s their 21st birthday party. (Unless you’re one of those free-wheeling, anything-goes, God-Save-the-Queen countries that allows drinking at 18.)

So, it probably wasn’t too surprising when Swedish police raided an apartment hosting a 21st birthday party that may or may not (spoiler: it did not) contain members of the Islamic State. They based their intelligence on balloons in the window that, from inside, look like this …

One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!
One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!

… but, from the street, looked like a call to join the “IS.”

There’s only one problem with this logic: any terrorism cell that uses balloons to combat western decadence and promote a new, violent caliphate is probably not much of a threat. Or the most adorable one, yet.

| Filed under Facepalm

The greatest game ever tanked

Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world's most corrupt high school basketball programs!
Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world’s most corrupt high school basketball programs!

We thought we saw the pinnacle of women taking dives back in the 2012 Olympics during badminton. We were wrong.

Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.

Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.

The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!

For breast results, try a wet nurse

Now you know: when guys duck face in their gym selfies, they're not trying to make their faces thinner. They're hungry, ladies.
Now you know: when guys duck face in their gym selfies, they’re not trying to make their faces thinner. They’re hungry, ladies.

Hang out in the free weight section of the gym long enough, and you’ll hear pretty much the worst unsubstantiated “science” outside of the Creationism Museum. Whether it’s rep-to-set ratios, the latest “legal” steroid or what amino acids allegedly do today (as opposed to what they did yesterday), never did any group of men prove exactly how much you need to know to demonstrate how little you actually do.

And that is how we got to men buying human breast milk online for “gains.”

Sure, it’s lower in protein with more calories, fat and carbohydrates than cow’s milk. And, yeah, it’s unregulated and the mothers who sell it might be funding how knows what kind of habits that can be found in that milk. And, so what if it’s more expensive than a gallon of gas, much less a gallon of cow’s milk? What’s the big deal if it’s counter-intuitive to everything bodybuilders hold sacrosanct?

The point, bruh, is that this is why we work out: to put our mouths on boobies, even by proxy via mail order.

| Filed under Facepalm

Sony just … I don’t even … *audible sigh*

Sony has pioneered (sorry, Pioneer Corporation) new levels of douchiness by dressing the erosion of privacy expectations and freedom from surveillance in Bono's accessories.
Sony has pioneered (sorry, Pioneer Corporation) new levels of douchiness by dressing the erosion of privacy expectations and freedom from surveillance in Bono’s accessories.

The Sony Corporation may be only 68 years old, but it has clearly lost its damn mind. Between producing and then pulling The Interview (quick review: it was a’ight) and re-re-releasing the Walkman as the most expensive MP3 player made since 2003, we thought they were just going through a series of unrelated bad decisions.

Today’s announcement, however, that they’re not only trying to compete with Google Glass — the world’s most reviled new technology since the Choke Pear in the Middle Ages — but naming it the SmartEyeglass indicates that the company is clearly in the mid-to-late stages of senility.

Keep this page bookmarked so that you’ll know exactly when Sony starts saving and selling its executives’ toenail and hair clippings.