Category: Facepalm

| Posted in Facepalm

Coney Island suffers aerial Godwinning

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If it makes the Raelians, Hindus and Buddhists feel better, Americans lost a cool, fun symbol to assh*les, too.

On Saturday, July 12th — a day that will live in ambivalence — people with misplaced priorities launched an unprovoked shock campaign on Coney Island and Long Island, New York. Using a banner plane, they flew a banner displaying swastikas, including one over the Star of David, as part of their efforts to “rehabilitate” the symbol.

The sponsors, ProSwasika.org, is tired of everyone instantly associating the swastika with the fairly recent extermination of 11 million people. Instead, they’d rather we associate it with good luck and good will, for which the symbol was originally intended, even though you can express the same sentiment with literally any other symbol. Millions of them, guys, that never flew over a death factory.

Just like a pair of favorite jeans after Tacos and Laxativos Night, there are certain things that can never be made unclean.

| Posted in Facepalm

Olive Garden solves their ‘food’ problem

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“We figured out the problem: it’s that our logo has grapes in it even though we’re the Olive Garden. It’s definitely not that we invented the only breadsticks that give you unlimited diarrhea.”

Darden Restaurants, Inc., the parent company of family feedbags with stupid stuff on the walls like LongHorn, has decided to sell off Red Lobster and drastically remodel Olive Garden.

The Olive Garden redesign will include a new logo, a more open floor layout, smaller menu items and being able to order food from your phone and then stare at your phone in the parking lot until someone brings reheated lasagna to your car.

Red Lobster, however, will most likely now sleep with the fishes. Way to go, America. Now where are we going to meet Shooter McGavin?

| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day

Garth Brooks to do to Ireland what he did to music

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Fun Fact: All of Ireland’s troubles are potato-shaped.

U.S. country singer and face on your mom’s over-sized sleep shirt, Garth Brooks, only wants to perform five concerts in Ireland. And if he can’t have five shows, then he won’t perform at all.

Now Irish business groups are worried that “the Garth Brooks saga” will damage their tourism industry and upcoming bids for the Rugby World Cup and soccer competitions.

The last time a Garth Brooks saga threatened this much destruction was when that Chris Gaines guy started playing his shows.

| Posted in Facepalm

Harry Potter and the Self-referential Author

“Muuuuudblooooooooooods!”

The Guys don’t have an opinion on Scotland’s independence — it’s been a long time and many controversial outbursts since Braveheart. But, we do have enough sense that, if we did, we wouldn’t couch that opinion in “Hey, remember those children’s books I wrote?”

J.K. Rowling — author of the only seven books many people have ever read and one or two more that didn’t involve magic, so who cares? — donated at least 1 million pounds to an anti-Scottish independence organization ahead of an upcoming vote for exiting the United Kingdom.

Ms. Rowling, who lives in Scotland and will most likely participate in the vote added that she opposes elements responsible for the independence movement because of their nationalist tendency to question the bloodlines of anyone who wants to stay part of the UK. Which is a solid argument … Until you accuse them of being the villains of your book series, “death-eaters.”

That’s one self-serving way to avoid achieving Godwin’s Law.

| Posted in Booze News, Facepalm

And back to court we go

"Who's he?" "My designated driver." "And him?" "My defense attorney."
“Who’s he?”
“My designated driver!”
“And him?”
“My defense attorney!”

So, um, going out for drinks after winning that big case where your client was accused of drunkenly stumbling into a nine-year-old’s bed? Probably not the best idea.

Defense attorney, Scott Rosenblum, was arrested by police just after midnight for a DWI after crashing his car. Earlier that day, he successfully got his client, Daniel Hughes, found not guilty of statutory sodomy and child molestation charges after hotel staff gave Hughes the wrong room key, causing him to go to the wrong room and crawl into a bed with the young girl.

Yep, it’s the blind drunk leading the blind drunk.

| Posted in Facepalm

The joke is that the Internet is the opposite of serious business

"I know what you're thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us."
“I know what you’re thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us.”

Hello, and welcome to the Internet! If you are …

  • … a person, please proceed to Pornography.
  • … a corporation or governmental entity, please stick to your own Web site.

No, really, nationally-vested entity that relies on a positive image to maintain its authority, you do not want to do anything else. Especially use social media. Historically, it has never gone well.

Alright, then, NYPD. Let’s see if you can do better.

Nope.

| Posted in Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Posted in Facepalm

A chest as greasy as your face

Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.
Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.

Hey, speaking of prom and the crass, mini-marriage racket it’s become: have you ordered a corsage yet? Of course not — flowers are stupid, don’t smell like Axe and, besides, you already spent all your money on hiring male strippers for your prom-posal.

Fortunately, the minds that brought you the Double-Down and not having to say “Kentucky Fried Chicken” at 3 A.M. have struck breaded and fried gold once again. They’ve partnered with an actual g*ddamn florist to create a corsage featuring a fried drumstick.

And if your date won’t kiss you by the end of the night, at least you’ve got the dog’s attention.

| Posted in Facepalm

#secondworldproblems

They named it ZunZuneo for the Cuban slang for a hummingbird tweet because, f*ck you, bird jokes are funny.
They named it ZunZuneo for the Cuban slang for a hummingbird tweet because, f*ck you, bird jokes are funny.

If there’s one thing we should all have learned by now, it’s that you can’t force making a social media web site go viral. That’s why the U.S. Agency for International Development — a government agency in charge of foreign aid — should have made a list of Google Pluses and minuses before investing in a Twitter knockoff to artificially foment a #CubanSpring.

The U.S. managed to lure in 40,000 followers on ZunZuneo (golfclap for naming it after the Zune) by keeping things innocuous at first, posting about soccer, music and hurricane updates. Which is probably how this project failed from the get-go: Americans can’t talk about soccer without mentioning Manchester or getting really defensive about MLS.

So, as you may have noticed, a Castro is still in charge of Cuba. Also, the service turned to sh*t when they tried to make an app for it. So, it’s safe to say that Zun-ZunZuneo (woah-oh) is the mistake we all could have seen had we only been asked before the government spent our money on it.

| Posted in Facepalm

A ‘Star Wars’ fan? What are the odds?!

"Powerball jackpot winner also a willing recipient of oral sex." Sounds stupid just writing it, doesn't it?
“Powerball jackpot winner also a willing recipient of oral sex.” Sounds stupid just writing it, doesn’t it?

Look, media. We get it: lottery stories are pretty much worthless unless you won, so you need to find some angle that lets everyone know they lost while still entertaining them.

It is not, however, an interesting angle that a Star Wars fan won the lottery.

To put this in perspective:

 

  • The odds of winning the jackpot in Powerball are one in 175,223,510.
  • The odds of dying in a terrorist attack are one in 20,000,000, which is still lower than the chances of dying any other way, including by a bolt of lightning (one in 10,495,684).
  • The first Star Wars movie, Episode IV: A New Hope, has earned $775,398,007 since its release in 1977, and was even nominated for the Best Picture Academy Award — something that rarely happens for what you’re implying is a nerdy, limited appeal sci-fi film. (That dollar amount doesn’t even begin to factor in amounts earned from merchandising, sequels and tie-ins.)

 

Basically, the odds indicate that Ray Buxton — being a living American white male — was more likely to hit the jackpot than to not be a Star Wars fan. Or if the odds of anyone winning the Powerball jackpot are one in 175,223,510, then the odds of a Star Wars fan winning it are one in 175,223,508.

Yeah, yeah. We know, Han.
Yeah, yeah. We know, Han.

But, hey, nerds, amiright?