You may have heard that the security lines at airports have shot through the roof recently. You may have also heard that this is the result of a lack of TSA agents to screen passengers in a timely manner. We’re proud to report that the federal government is finally going to fix that problem.
Just kidding, they’re hiring clowns! Airports across the country are hiring clowns and some other entertainers to keep the detainees people in line in a good mood. Because there isn’t a bad situation that can’t be made worse by clowns.
Other airports are offering comfort animals and free candy. Sorry people with allergies.
With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.
And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.
Regular readers of this site know that The Guys, while indulging in selfies as much as everyone else, are concerned about the toll they’re taking on humanity. They’re probably dangerous, get you in trouble with the law and animals, and now we can level another charge against them: regicide.
A Portuguese man (which is a killer joke set-up in Hawaii, look it up) climbed onto a pedestal to take a selfie with the 126-year-old statue of Dom Sebastiao, king of Portugal from 1557 to 1578. He accidentally knocked the statue down, shattering it and getting arrested after trying to run the hell out of there.
We can only hope that Portuguese authorities do not include the king’s horses, because — while they make the most regal of glues — they can’t put sh*t back together again.
Republican presidential also-runner, John Kasich found himself skewered in the press for eating pizza with a fork in Queens. The Ohio state governor complained that his pizza was too hot, but fortunately didn’t drop it in his lap. Otherwise, his first executive order (in the universe where Republicans primary voters instinctively support whoever looks most like Otter from Animal House) would be to slap a warning label on pizza boxes.
We’d describe this as John Kasich’s Mike Dukakis tank ride or Howard Dean yell, but he has no lead to blow. Which is what some aide should have done to his pizza.
Sure, we could bring you real election news, but does Donald “Punish Women who get Abortions” Trump need more coverage? We think not.
We don’t agree on a lot right now, and every name we read about in the news manages to polarize the country: Trump, Clinton, Cruz and even Bernie Sanders. (Yes, we get it. He’s your awesome college roommate, only 50 years older.)
And, then there’s McBoatface.
Boaty McBoatface has done what no other prominent name on the Internet can do: unite everyone and win clear-cut support. But she doesn’t want to lead the free world. All she wants (and we know it’s a “she” because) is to be the name of a British polar research vessel.
People of all ages and stripes have overwhelmingly supported her cause, beating out other more established names like Shackleton, Endeavour and Falcon. (We’d love to see the Endeavor/Falcon ticket try again in ’20.) But, even though the people have spoken, it looks like the Establishment — in this case, the Natural Environment Research Council — will overrule our votes and send McBoatface down the same tributary of history as Nader, McGovern and Perot.
We shouldn’t be surprised, though. We fought a war the last time the British government refused to recognize our right to representation.
Well, HBO finally noticed that everyone’s either jumping into and out of their HBO Now streaming service between Game of Thrones seasons or sharing accounts. How? Because there are only 800,000 accounts. Whoops.
So, like Hillary Clinton asking for a dollar from all of her supporters who don’t work for Citibank, the non-HBO-subscribing Game of Thrones viewers need a few more people to subscribe year-round to HBO Now. Or they’ll pull the plug. Or worse: include ads.
The Guys would do it ourselves, but, as much as we like John Oliver, we just can’t pay to watch the same four movies every eight hours (plus two hours of the softest of softcore pornography).
But, you, you should totally do it. And then give us your password.
State lawmakers in Kansas, including Sen. Mitch Holmes, are red-faced over women’s attire in the state house. At first, they were blushing due to reports of low-cut tops and mini-skirts, and then after being thoroughly lashed with the keyboards of the Tumblrazzi for slut-shaming.
Holmes and his fellow Republicans received criticism for only addressing women’s inappropriate attire, but not men’s. So, from here on out, men no longer have to wear pants, jacket and tie in the state house, but can now wear tank tops and shorts with hems halfway up the knee.
That’s right, men of Kansas’ law: dress for the job you want, which is giving up your self-worth in return for lobbyists’ money.
A baby in Spain nearly died of scurvy after drinking almond milk-based formula instead of something that nutritionally resembles breast milk. Fortunately, it only took 8 months and an inability to touch his legs without causing pain before someone took him to the doctor.
Almond milk, which is mostly bullsh*t (it’s the number three ingredient after water and almonds), doesn’t contain enough vitamin C to prevent malnutrition, especially when you’re too young to suck limes on longer ocean voyages.