Category: Facepalm

| Filed under Facepalm, KAPLOOIE!

Some hippie tried to kill us all with organics

It turns out that organic products don't make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home.
Who knew that organic products don’t make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home? Next we’re gonna learn that it doesn’t make cat sh*t safer, either.

An all natural, organic kitty litter brand is behind one of the most high-profile nuclear contamination releases in recent history, according to a report by the Department of Energy.

It’s a standard practice to absorb nuclear waste with kitty litter. However, in February 2014, a barrel of waste exploded at a federal waste facility, and it’s because some organic freak at Los Alamos National Laboratory switched out the normal clay stuff for the wheat-based Swheat Scoop, which was incompatible with the contents of the barrel.

So, remember: organic is good for you, except when it isn’t.

| Filed under Facepalm

No more band camp for Secret Service

The other option is to make the Oval Office look more like the Secret Service's existing training facility.
The other option is to make the Oval Office look more like the Secret Service’s existing training facility.

There’s one way to make sure the U.S. Secret Service doesn’t very lightly run into their own barricades while protecting the President: build a second White House.

No, they haven’t hit the bottle again while watching Blazing Saddles, foiling terrorists by sending them to a fake White House. The Secret Service just thinks it would make more sense to train in a facility that actually resembles the place they defend every day. This would be a substantial upgrade over

‘… a parking lot, basically,’ said Joseph Clancy, director of the Secret Service. ‘We put up a makeshift fence and walk off the distance between the fence at the White House and the actual house itself. We don’t have the bushes, we don’t have the fountains, we don’t get a realistic look at the White House.’

We fully support this idea and believe construction should begin immediately. But, no Irish!

… OK, the Irish, too.

| Filed under Facepalm

Improve coffee first, *then* tackle race relations

And to really get the racism discussion rolling, be sure to tell your barista that your name is either "Niger," "Ching," "Slone" or "Horky."
And to really get the racism discussion rolling, tell your barista that your name is either “Niger,” “Ching,” “Slone” or “Horky.”

As the world celebrates St. Patrick’s Day, The Guys would like to take a moment to reflect on race for a moment. So, put your drinks down for a moment, you Irish bugs, because enlightenment is on its way.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz has a dream: that one day, people of all races, will be judged by the content of their overpriced coffee and not by the color of their skin. Or, at the very least, by the phrase scrawled on the surface of said cup.

That’s why he’s required that all baristas to write “Race Together” on every cup they serve and, if anybody asks, explain the importance of compassion and empathy to improve race relations in America.

It’s almost the least he could do, other than just start #RaceTogether on Twitter and Instagram.

| Filed under Booze News, Facepalm

Secret Service still the best at taking shots

Armstrong Barriers: Secret Service-tested, president-approved.
Armstrong Barriers: Secret Service-tested, Jack Daniels-approved.

Two U.S. Secret Service agents reportedly collided their car into a White House barrier Wednesday night. According to House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz (R-UT), the agents were partying in Georgetown to celebrate a Secret Service spokesman’s retirement (too soon, apparently) until called back to respond to an incident at the White House.

Alcohol is suspected as a factor, which isn’t much of a secret considering that these are the same barriers that the Secret Service set up in the first place. At this point, the only secret that the Secret Service has kept protected is that they graduated from the police academy back when Commandant Lassard was in charge of it.

In other news: The Guys are definitely becoming U.S. Secret Service agents.

| Filed under Facepalm

All fun and games until counter-terrorism forces arrive

If there’s one night in everyone’s life that can quickly inflate to accusations of terrorism, it’s their 21st birthday party. (Unless you’re one of those free-wheeling, anything-goes, God-Save-the-Queen countries that allows drinking at 18.)

So, it probably wasn’t too surprising when Swedish police raided an apartment hosting a 21st birthday party that may or may not (spoiler: it did not) contain members of the Islamic State. They based their intelligence on balloons in the window that, from inside, look like this …

One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!
One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!

… but, from the street, looked like a call to join the “IS.”

There’s only one problem with this logic: any terrorism cell that uses balloons to combat western decadence and promote a new, violent caliphate is probably not much of a threat. Or the most adorable one, yet.

| Filed under Facepalm

The greatest game ever tanked

Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world's most corrupt high school basketball programs!
Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world’s most corrupt high school basketball programs!

We thought we saw the pinnacle of women taking dives back in the 2012 Olympics during badminton. We were wrong.

Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.

Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.

The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!

For breast results, try a wet nurse

Now you know: when guys duck face in their gym selfies, they're not trying to make their faces thinner. They're hungry, ladies.
Now you know: when guys duck face in their gym selfies, they’re not trying to make their faces thinner. They’re hungry, ladies.

Hang out in the free weight section of the gym long enough, and you’ll hear pretty much the worst unsubstantiated “science” outside of the Creationism Museum. Whether it’s rep-to-set ratios, the latest “legal” steroid or what amino acids allegedly do today (as opposed to what they did yesterday), never did any group of men prove exactly how much you need to know to demonstrate how little you actually do.

And that is how we got to men buying human breast milk online for “gains.”

Sure, it’s lower in protein with more calories, fat and carbohydrates than cow’s milk. And, yeah, it’s unregulated and the mothers who sell it might be funding how knows what kind of habits that can be found in that milk. And, so what if it’s more expensive than a gallon of gas, much less a gallon of cow’s milk? What’s the big deal if it’s counter-intuitive to everything bodybuilders hold sacrosanct?

The point, bruh, is that this is why we work out: to put our mouths on boobies, even by proxy via mail order.

| Filed under Facepalm

Sony just … I don’t even … *audible sigh*

Sony has pioneered (sorry, Pioneer Corporation) new levels of douchiness by dressing the erosion of privacy expectations and freedom from surveillance in Bono's accessories.
Sony has pioneered (sorry, Pioneer Corporation) new levels of douchiness by dressing the erosion of privacy expectations and freedom from surveillance in Bono’s accessories.

The Sony Corporation may be only 68 years old, but it has clearly lost its damn mind. Between producing and then pulling The Interview (quick review: it was a’ight) and re-re-releasing the Walkman as the most expensive MP3 player made since 2003, we thought they were just going through a series of unrelated bad decisions.

Today’s announcement, however, that they’re not only trying to compete with Google Glass — the world’s most reviled new technology since the Choke Pear in the Middle Ages — but naming it the SmartEyeglass indicates that the company is clearly in the mid-to-late stages of senility.

Keep this page bookmarked so that you’ll know exactly when Sony starts saving and selling its executives’ toenail and hair clippings.

| Filed under Facepalm

Spoonfuls of sugar ruled ineffective without medicine

Thanks to moronic Orange County parents, the last sound their children may hear is a barber shop quartet.
Thanks to moronic Orange County parents, the last sound their children may hear is a barber shop quartet.

From its now unrecognizable Main Street to the mid-century Americana-themed Frontierland, Disneyland is dedicated to preserving America as it once was: simple, clean and full of boutique-style gift shops that haven’t been driven out of business by online sales and Wal-Mart. So, it’s only fitting that Disneyland would also bring back authentic, small town diseases like the measles.

Let this be a lesson to parents who believe that there are options to vaccination: yes, drinking the water in It’s a Small World, but only for diphtheria and cholera.

| Filed under Facepalm

Zunestation

Sony has possibly over-embraced the Back to the Future vision of 2015 by slightly updating sh*t from the '80s.
Sony has possibly over-embraced the Back to the Future vision of 2015 by slightly updating sh*t from the ’80s.

Not content to let the North Koreans destroy them, Sony has taken that responsibility on themselves. They unveiled yet another attempt to bring back the Walkman, this time with a $1200 price tag and the promise to somehow play your crappy, compressed MP3s better than any other device.

That’s right: Sony’s gone full Zune.