Category: Facepalm

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

At least somebody’s been watching our debates

We've got a great name to put on Budi Waseso's dream ...
We’ve got a great name to put on Budi Waseso’s dream …

OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.

Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).

And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.

| Filed under Facepalm

‘War on Christmas’ starts earlier every year

Starbucks picked the perfect symbol to capture the 2015 holiday spirit: an angry red cup that runneth over with hot, scalding rage because the barista didn't leave room for cream.
Starbucks picked the perfect symbol to capture the 2015 holiday spirit: an angry red cup that runneth over with hot, scalding rage because the barista didn’t leave room for cream.

It’s only been a week since Halloween (we haven’t even changed our message in the sidebar yet, fer pete’s), and imaginary battle lines have already been drawn in the non-going War on Christmas.

Starbucks unveiled plain red cups that they will use this season, presumably to pedal out America’s peppermint-flavored fixes. Because Starbucks is already somehow a political cudgel for gun rights, one or two of the usual Christian attention whores have declared this an affront to god, whatever the holy spirit is and the only baby with a beard, Jesus Christ himself. (Fun fact: his middle initial, “H,” actually stands for “Himself.”)

This has prompted a far larger crowd of perpetually eye-rolling online activists to prop up those one or two angry people as the Official Christian Response to Starbucks, effectively doing a better job of spreading hypocritical Christian angst than the Westboro Baptists. (That’s how we found out about this whole to-do, not because of Pastor Dave’s blog post/call to boycott.)

Meanwhile, Starbucks is doing better than ever, selling coffee to both the aggrieved (who are “tricking” baristas into writing misspelling “Merry Christmas” on their cups by saying that’s their name) and the humanist keyboard commandos alike. Other seasonal causes, like feeding and clothing the poor this winter and Movember, will have to try harder to offend for this kind of success.

| Filed under Facepalm

When GMO-free food attacks!

If you uncontrollably poop in the woods, and no one's there to hear it, did Chipotle cause it?
If you uncontrollably poop in the woods, and no one’s there to hear it, does anyone make a Sh*tpotle joke?

Stock fell for the Subway of burritos, Chipotle, after reports of people getting E. coli from their food hit the press. There have been 22 reported cases of infection, but it’s impossible to know how many were really infected since diarrhea is already a symptom of eating at Chipotle.

That people could get diseases from Chipotle’s food may be surprising for some since the chain claims that all of its ingredients are not from genetically modified organisms (or GMOs). So, at least we’re all getting organic, free-range sh*ts.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

Facts trailing behind Trump, Carson in polls

Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok: "It wasn't me."
Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok to surgically remove himself from past quackery: “It wasn’t me.”

Last night, Republican primary candidates faced off once again in debate, this time in Colorado on CNBC. The winner? Lying and skirting questions.

  • Donald Trump denied criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for his stance on immigration, even though the words from the question came from his own web site.
  • Dr. Ben Carson denied ever promoting legally- and nutritionally-dubious supplement company Mannatech despite repeated reporting and photo evidence that he, in fact, did.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz refused to answer a question about the issues — in his case, debt and the budget deals that he opposes — because he claimed that wasn’t a question about the issues.

All in all, the Republican candidates are once again asking voters who they’re gonna believe: them, or the media that keeps quoting them. And not trusting the media is exactly how they got blindsided in 2012, lest they forget this scene:

But, hey, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe they didn’t bury their heads deep enough.

| Filed under Facepalm

The military and the dirigible, no good, very bad day

Grab it! It's getting very gradually away!
Grab it! It’s getting very gradually away!

Hey, uh, if you’ve seen a blimp dittybopping around, the military would very much like to know where it is. (It probably sounds like this.)

The blimp was part of a $2.7 billion research project being conducted at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. (Apparently, good rope would cost an extra billion or so.) It somehow broke loose and, at the time of this reporting, is floating somewhere over Pennsylvania according to NORAD.

Of course, NORAD also tracks Santa Claus, so maybe the blimp only exists in our hearts, you guys.

| Filed under Facepalm

Pork the ones you’ve locked up

We're confused how pork rated so low. Are felons also denied the right to bacon?
We’re confused how pork rated so low. Are felons also denied the right to bacon?

Sometimes we wonder why so many Americans are locked up. Part of it might be for drug offenses, the punishments for which have only become more and more draconian since we declared war on them. But part of it might be because, dammit, pig farmers need over 2 million captive consumers of their products.

Prisons across the U.S. began reducing or dropping pork entirely from cafeteria menus after it polled low on prisoner surveys. To get that pig butt back in our convicts’ lucrative mouths, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) leveraged (read: exploited) his position as head of the Senate Committee that oversees the federal prison system after pork lobby squealed. He also happens to be the senator from the top pork-producing state.

So, that’s how much we depend on keeping people behind bars: almost as much as we need to keep building tanks that the Army no longer wants. We profit from forced prison labor, which happens to be disproportionately not white, and give them the food that apparently not enough people want. Gee. That’s not historically uncomfortable at all.

| Filed under Facepalm, Too Soon?

Reading your spam folder could make cocaine dangerous!

"Dear lord, if I am to die, please let someone clear my browser history before my mom and Forensics go through my stuff. Just not for the usual reason."
“Dear lord, if I am to die, please let someone clear my browser history before my mom and Forensics go through my stuff. Just not for the usual reason.”

Professional basketball player and Kardashian-by-association, Lamar Odom was reportedly found collapsed in a Nevada brothel, allegedly with cocaine and “herbal Viagra” in his system. So, now we know why there are so many of those “b1gger member5 w(n)ow” emails from h0rny Go@t 2de in our spam email folder: because they worked on Lamar Odom.

That is to say that the emails worked. Whether the pills work is a question that the media is desperately trying to answer. It is critical to find out right now if off-brand Viagra from Canadian pharmacies will kill us.

After all, it would be a tragedy if all of the positive health effects of f*cking cocaine were somehow nullified.

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Pandas endanger smart cars

If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they're supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.
If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they’re supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.

Even though The Guys hate our animal foes and will stop at nothing to eradicate them in our War on Animals, we also respect them. We respect them because they’re worthy foes. Well, except the panda. But, we also respect them because there are certain things they can do better than us. Well, except the panda again.

Scientists in Belgium noticed that pandas can almost digest raw bamboo. Sure, they lack the energy to mate or maul a zookeeper like a proper bear, but, yes, they digest it. So, they’re studying panda poo to find out how their gut enzymes churn out a subsistence level of energy to improve biofuels.

If this isn’t a damning indictment of our current biofuels, then we don’t know what is.

| Filed under Facepalm, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: ‘Disliking’ the bare minimum of empathy

"Which does the crowd favor for this post? Like or dislike? Like ... ? Or ... DISLIKE."
“Which does the crowd favor for this post? Like or dislike? Like … ? Or … DISLIKE.”

Alright, before everyone gets their tits in a wringer about people clicking “dislike” on pictures of their haircuts, dinners and weddings: Facebook isn’t creating a “dislike” button.

Let me repeat that: there will not be a “dislike” button to click when somebody pisses you off. You’ll still have to use two mouse clicks to either ignore or unfriend them.

That said, Facebook is, however, developing a too-be-named empathy button based on at least thousands — if not millions — of requests for one because it feels kind of sh*tty to “like” when somebody’s grandma died. But what those potentially millions of users don’t realize is that it’s also kind of sh*tty to use a single mouse click and think they’re empathizing with someone’s pain.

The fact that thousands — if not millions — of users will finally achieve their dream of expressing empathy with the same calories burned to not type “LOL” at someone’s joke isn’t Facebook’s fault; it’s ours. (Although I will entertain arguments that it’s our fault because of years of using Facebook.)  Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm

The urge to LinkIn … if you know what we mean ;)

"Hey, baby. Are you tired? Because you've been running through my spreadsheets all night."
“Hey, baby. Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my spreadsheets all night.”

A recent exchange on LinkedIn between two British lawyers has the Internet asking, “Is LinkedIn the new Tinder?” And by the Internet, we mean LinkedIn, whose staff and shareholders now falsely hope that someone has found a use for Facebook’s boring accountant brother.

Charlotte Proudman, a relatively young attorney, received a message from an older one, Alexander Carter-Silk, the sole extent being to compliment her on her looks. This was after couching it in a warning that what he was about to say “is probably horrendously politically incorrect,” which shows us that the British even trump us in manners when ‘trolling for strange online.

Proudman told Carter-Silk off, saying she was using LinkedIn for business connections, not for an old game of “Let’s Leave the Funny Barrister Wigs On,” and has since become a pariah online as a “feminazi.” But she’s not the only one. Other women are reporting having to use frumpier pictures on the site to avoid unwanted advances from male users on the site. So, maybe it is the new Tinder?

In any case, the Guys would like our wives to know that, if our names show up in a hacked list of LinkedIn users, we only signed up straight out of college to hook up with hot recruiters and don’t even use our accounts anymore.