If there’s one night in everyone’s life that can quickly inflate to accusations of terrorism, it’s their 21st birthday party. (Unless you’re one of those free-wheeling, anything-goes, God-Save-the-Queen countries that allows drinking at 18.)
… but, from the street, looked like a call to join the “IS.”
There’s only one problem with this logic: any terrorism cell that uses balloons to combat western decadence and promote a new, violent caliphate is probably not much of a threat. Or the most adorable one, yet.
Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.
Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.
The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.
[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]
Hang out in the free weight section of the gym long enough, and you’ll hear pretty much the worst unsubstantiated “science” outside of the Creationism Museum. Whether it’s rep-to-set ratios, the latest “legal” steroid or what amino acids allegedly do today (as opposed to what they did yesterday), never did any group of men prove exactly how much you need to know to demonstrate how little you actually do.
Sure, it’s lower in protein with more calories, fat and carbohydrates than cow’s milk. And, yeah, it’s unregulated and the mothers who sell it might be funding how knows what kind of habits that can be found in that milk. And, so what if it’s more expensive than a gallon of gas, much less a gallon of cow’s milk? What’s the big deal if it’s counter-intuitive to everything bodybuilders hold sacrosanct?
The point, bruh, is that this is why we work out: to put our mouths on boobies, even by proxy via mail order.
Today’s announcement, however, that they’re not only trying to compete with Google Glass — the world’s most reviled new technology since the Choke Pear in the Middle Ages — but naming it the SmartEyeglass indicates that the company is clearly in the mid-to-late stages of senility.
Keep this page bookmarked so that you’ll know exactly when Sony starts saving and selling its executives’ toenail and hair clippings.
From its now unrecognizable Main Street to the mid-century Americana-themed Frontierland, Disneyland is dedicated to preserving America as it once was: simple, clean and full of boutique-style gift shops that haven’t been driven out of business by online sales and Wal-Mart. So, it’s only fitting that Disneyland would also bring back authentic, small town diseases like the measles.
Let this be a lesson to parents who believe that there are options to vaccination: yes, drinking the water in It’s a Small World, but only for diphtheria and cholera.
Not content to let the North Koreans destroy them, Sony has taken that responsibility on themselves. They unveiled yet another attempt to bring back the Walkman, this time with a $1200 price tag and the promise to somehow play your crappy, compressed MP3s better than any other device.
Poor Pat Sajak. Well, not poor Pat Sajak. A 30-year steady paycheck on television is nothing to moan about. But still, it’s gotta suck hosting the sort of contestants who qualify for a multiple-choice spelling bee for adults.
Contestants on Monday’s Best Friends Week episode nearly broke Sajak, who still managed to keep it together with joke-rage. (You know, where you pretend to jokingly yell what you’re actually screaming in your head because it’s more polite than physical violence?)
Maybe Sajak gets to move up to Jeopardy when Alex Trebek retires.
For all their bluster about climbing the world’s tallest mountains, running in its longest races and hunting its most ferocious animals, the Adventurers Club of Los Angeles still can’t handle the mere idea of sitting in the same room with a girl every meeting.
The 93-year-old organization, which selects members based on the premise of “leaving the beaten path,” voted Thursday night to continue not allowing women to join their club. That would just be leaving the beaten path a little too far. [Warning: Their Web site has also not left the beaten path since 2000.]
We would be remiss to not mention that the He-Man No Girls Allowed Club does occasionally allow women who have sufficiently adventured enough to speak before them. We’re just not sure if they have to wear a false beard and lower their voices while presenting.
So, congratulations, you manly heroes, you. Maybe next year, you can vote on whether two guys accidentally touching knees under a table means they’re both super-homo-gay.
When facing solid, nearly incontrovertible proof of driving while intoxicated, your options are limited. Basically, you can either hang it up and consider yourself a pedestrian for the near future. Or, like Kenneth Desormes, you can look at the sh*t sandwich you ordered from life and try to take a great big bite out of it.
We salute Mr. Desormes’ man-of-action decision-making, even though there was no chance in the world it would work. It’s not like printing a file automatically deletes it from the police computer system.
Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)
But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.
U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].
People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.