Category: Facepalm

| Posted in Facepalm

The joke is that the Internet is the opposite of serious business

"I know what you're thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us."
“I know what you’re thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us.”

Hello, and welcome to the Internet! If you are …

  • … a person, please proceed to Pornography.
  • … a corporation or governmental entity, please stick to your own Web site.

No, really, nationally-vested entity that relies on a positive image to maintain its authority, you do not want to do anything else. Especially use social media. Historically, it has never gone well.

Alright, then, NYPD. Let’s see if you can do better.

Nope.

| Posted in Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Posted in Facepalm

A chest as greasy as your face

Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.
Finally: a corsage that you either put around her wrist or her waist.

Hey, speaking of prom and the crass, mini-marriage racket it’s become: have you ordered a corsage yet? Of course not — flowers are stupid, don’t smell like Axe and, besides, you already spent all your money on hiring male strippers for your prom-posal.

Fortunately, the minds that brought you the Double-Down and not having to say “Kentucky Fried Chicken” at 3 A.M. have struck breaded and fried gold once again. They’ve partnered with an actual g*ddamn florist to create a corsage featuring a fried drumstick.

And if your date won’t kiss you by the end of the night, at least you’ve got the dog’s attention.

| Posted in Facepalm

#secondworldproblems

They named it ZunZuneo for the Cuban slang for a hummingbird tweet because, f*ck you, bird jokes are funny.
They named it ZunZuneo for the Cuban slang for a hummingbird tweet because, f*ck you, bird jokes are funny.

If there’s one thing we should all have learned by now, it’s that you can’t force making a social media web site go viral. That’s why the U.S. Agency for International Development — a government agency in charge of foreign aid — should have made a list of Google Pluses and minuses before investing in a Twitter knockoff to artificially foment a #CubanSpring.

The U.S. managed to lure in 40,000 followers on ZunZuneo (golfclap for naming it after the Zune) by keeping things innocuous at first, posting about soccer, music and hurricane updates. Which is probably how this project failed from the get-go: Americans can’t talk about soccer without mentioning Manchester or getting really defensive about MLS.

So, as you may have noticed, a Castro is still in charge of Cuba. Also, the service turned to sh*t when they tried to make an app for it. So, it’s safe to say that Zun-ZunZuneo (woah-oh) is the mistake we all could have seen had we only been asked before the government spent our money on it.

| Posted in Facepalm

A ‘Star Wars’ fan? What are the odds?!

"Powerball jackpot winner also a willing recipient of oral sex." Sounds stupid just writing it, doesn't it?
“Powerball jackpot winner also a willing recipient of oral sex.” Sounds stupid just writing it, doesn’t it?

Look, media. We get it: lottery stories are pretty much worthless unless you won, so you need to find some angle that lets everyone know they lost while still entertaining them.

It is not, however, an interesting angle that a Star Wars fan won the lottery.

To put this in perspective:

 

  • The odds of winning the jackpot in Powerball are one in 175,223,510.
  • The odds of dying in a terrorist attack are one in 20,000,000, which is still lower than the chances of dying any other way, including by a bolt of lightning (one in 10,495,684).
  • The first Star Wars movie, Episode IV: A New Hope, has earned $775,398,007 since its release in 1977, and was even nominated for the Best Picture Academy Award — something that rarely happens for what you’re implying is a nerdy, limited appeal sci-fi film. (That dollar amount doesn’t even begin to factor in amounts earned from merchandising, sequels and tie-ins.)

 

Basically, the odds indicate that Ray Buxton — being a living American white male — was more likely to hit the jackpot than to not be a Star Wars fan. Or if the odds of anyone winning the Powerball jackpot are one in 175,223,510, then the odds of a Star Wars fan winning it are one in 175,223,508.

Yeah, yeah. We know, Han.
Yeah, yeah. We know, Han.

But, hey, nerds, amiright?

| Posted in Facepalm

There aren’t even seven fruits and vegetables

In what must be an April Fools’ Day post, WebMD and other media sources are reporting that — get this — eating fruits and vegetables is the secret to cutting your risk of death. According to a study in England, people who ate seven or more servings of fruit or vegetables a day were 42 percent less likely to die than their peers in any age group.

We will, however by more mysteriously conical meat because the Mediterranean diet is in right now.
We will, however by more mysteriously conical meat because the Mediterranean diet is in right now.

Yeah, right, WebMD (if that really is your degree). We get that garlic cuts your risk of death by vampire by 100 percent, which cuts your risk of overall death by 0 percent.

But fruit? C’mon. That’s introducing risk, whether from slips and falls due to banana peels or from a watermelon growing inside of you because you accidentally swallowed a seed.

So nice try, but we’re not buying it.

| Posted in Facepalm, Too Soon?

Tonight we opine in hell!

"Chevys! What is your profession!?" "AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA!"
“Chevys! What is your profession!?” “AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA! AH-OOOOOGA!”

Before you finish that chest workout and go see 300: Rise of an Empire, The Guys would like to warn you not to debate it afterwards. You just can’t handle the arguments that this big, dumb movie full of big, dumb men will dredge up.

Even Texans — renowned for their toughness and debate skills — couldn’t discuss the “history” as interpreted by curmudgeon Frank Miller and Zack Snyder’s slow motion cameras in the unasked-for sequel to 300. And now a man is dead, killed with a truck by two men whom he argued with in the parking lot afterwards.

But, even though he lost, when one man stands up to F150, then that in itself is kind of a victory. But not really because he’s dead.

| Posted in Booze News, Facepalm

That [Irish] Pride Parade

With Sam Adams no longer participating in Monday's St. Patrick's Day Parade, the people of South Boston will likely phone in their obnoxious, destructive behavior.
With Sam Adams no longer participating in Monday’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade, the people of South Boston will likely phone in their obnoxious, destructive behavior.

As Boston gears up for Monday’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, there will be a few notable absences this year. Boston Mayor Martin J. Walsh will not attend unless the South Boston Allied War Veterans Council, which sponsors the parade, allows gay veterans to openly march in the parade.

Good for Mayor Walsh, but a parade can live without a mayor. Attending a parade sober, however? Now that’s unthinkable, but likely the reality because Sam Adams has also pulled out of the parade.

Look, Boston. It’s one thing to keep the gay people in your city under wraps for St. Paddy’s. But have you seen a pride parade? How the hell are you gonna compete with that without beer?

| Posted in Facepalm

A lesson in stopping while behind

"Hey, ya'll! Thanks to this headset microphone, I can clap and say stupid sh*t all day long!"
“Hey, ya’ll! Thanks to this headset microphone, I can clap and say stupid sh*t all day long!”

The Guys don’t have much of a brand, but we will defend that brand to the death. So we guess it only makes sense that Paula Deen will do anything to restore hers, grasping any trending news article to lift herself up.

That said, maybe she should leave “that black football player who recently came out” out of her own struggle with saying stupid things:

He [presumably Michael Sam] said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’

Right, Michael Sam wants to be known as the black football player, not the gay one. Just like how Paula Deen wants to be known as a media icon who sells terrible food, not the tone-deaf byproduct of the Jim Crow-era South.

| Posted in Facepalm

One man’s medical saboteur is that same man’s esteemed coworker

"Riggs! I hate it when you come in sick, but -- goddammit -- you get results!"
Riggs! Murtaugh! I hate it when you clowns come in sick, bringing the whole department down with you! But — goddammit — you get results!”

A recent survey by NSF International indicates that not only do one-in-four people go to work sick, but that the majority of us think they’re great for doing it.

[98] percent of Americans surveyed acknowledged they judged fellow co-workers who come in sick. However, 67 percent said they considered sick co-workers to be hard workers [...]

What are we: the police chief from Lethal Weapon?

Granted, 37 percent of respondents said they go in because they don’t have paid sick leave. So, maybe it’s up to businesses to decide which they’d rather pay for: sick leave or cedar chips for sick leavings.