Category: Facepalm

| Posted in Facepalm, How To

How To: Fit the new iPhone to your pants

You've wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.
You’ve wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.

While Apple has delivered tools to improve our work efficiency and ability to browse pornography in the bathroom, that convenience can also create problems. Fortunately, “lifehackers” are here to solve the downsides to being bored, middle class and adverse to going to a store to see how big things are before buying them.

Take, for instance, the new iPhones 6 and 6-Plus. Because they’re not in stores yet, how are we supposed to know which model will fit our pants?

You could print out paper models or test pocket the Motorola Moto X and Samsung Galaxy Note 3, as c|net helpfully suggests.

Or, you can save time by using The Guys method for sizing your next iPhone: look at your pants. Are the pockets roughly the same size as they’ve always been? Did you recently switch to wearing only breeches, or are you suddenly wearing billowy diapers under them? Can you feel how your current phone fits in there?

Then you should know if 5 inches of phone will fit inside your pants or not.

You can thank us by using your newly freed up time to find real problems to solve.

| Posted in Facepalm, Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia

Armed teachers already have a 100 percent success rate in eliminating threats

Here's one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in their head.
Here’s one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in her head.

Good news, RAM members and other Bandoleered-Americans: Idaho and Utah’s new laws that allow teachers with conceal-carry permits to bring their weapons to school are working! In only two weeks since Labor Day, a teacher in each state was able to successfully fend off a gunman with their own guns in their schools.

A chemistry teacher at Idaho State University shot an armed person in his classroom. And it was a good thing, too, because the classroom was full.

And in Utah, a teacher managed to shoot an armed person while in the bathroom before that person could reach the classroom with her weapon.

And that’s the beauty of the NRA’s “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” position: knowing a good armed person from a bad one can be complicated. But you don’t need to know who’s the good guy and bad guy if they’re both the same person.

(If you didn’t click the links, they shot themselves.)

| Posted in Facepalm, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Gwyneth Paltrow even makes Judaism insufferable

“I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy.” -- Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers serve whatever the hell she calls food.
I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy. — Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers are people who serve whatever the hell she calls food.

As concerned professional Internet users, The Guys believe it is time for the U.S. Surgeon General to issue an eye movement hazard warning about Gwyneth Paltrow. There is literally nothing she can do that doesn’t elicit an immediate severe rolling of the eyes.

Married the lead singer of Coldplay?

::eyeroll:: Of course she did.

Divorced him in the New Age-iest, most self-actualizingly aggravating way possible?

::eyeroll:: Yep.

And now: converting to Judaism because she found out “that her father was descended from a Russian rabbinical dynasty” and saying, “Like, 17 generations of rabbis — you see, I really am a Jewish princess!”

::eyeroll:: Oy vey.

We see no signs of Paltrow’s agonizingly near-earnest, yet demonstrably tone-deaf behavior abating any time soon. If the Surgeon General doesn’t post a warning on her forehead soon, then our own staff doctor will do it for him.


Edit: Special thanks to Robyn G. for correcting what had been the punk spelling of “oy.”

| Posted in Facepalm, The Guys in Moms

Hang up and let your kid drive

"I learned it from you, Dad! Alright? I learned it from texting you!"
“You, alright?! I learned it by texting you!

According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent

‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.

So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.

| Posted in Facepalm

Comic Sans’ Latino totalitarian younger brother

ChavezPro: the preferred font for every world leader who dresses like Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
ChavezPro: the preferred font for every world leader who dresses like Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.

Things are getting a bit … North Korea-y in Venezuela a year after Hugo Chavez’s death.

First, his successor, Nicolas Maduro, claims to have twice received otherworldly visits/messages from Chavez in the form of birds.

Then, Venezuela’s ruling Socialist Party declared Chavez their “eternal leader.”

And now, party supporters have launched a font patterned after Chavez’s handwriting: ChavezPro.

The joke’s on the Socialists, though. Although they distribute the file for free in accordance with their principles, Hot Topic will make millions off of it by printing it on $30 t-shirts.

| Posted in Facepalm

Coney Island suffers aerial Godwinning

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If it makes the Raelians, Hindus and Buddhists feel better, Americans lost a cool, fun symbol to assh*les, too.

On Saturday, July 12th — a day that will live in ambivalence — people with misplaced priorities launched an unprovoked shock campaign on Coney Island and Long Island, New York. Using a banner plane, they flew a banner displaying swastikas, including one over the Star of David, as part of their efforts to “rehabilitate” the symbol.

The sponsors, ProSwasika.org, is tired of everyone instantly associating the swastika with the fairly recent extermination of 11 million people. Instead, they’d rather we associate it with good luck and good will, for which the symbol was originally intended, even though you can express the same sentiment with literally any other symbol. Millions of them, guys, that never flew over a death factory.

Just like a pair of favorite jeans after Tacos and Laxativos Night, there are certain things that can never be made unclean.

| Posted in Facepalm

Olive Garden solves their ‘food’ problem

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“We figured out the problem: it’s that our logo has grapes in it even though we’re the Olive Garden. It’s definitely not that we invented the only breadsticks that give you unlimited diarrhea.”

Darden Restaurants, Inc., the parent company of family feedbags with stupid stuff on the walls like LongHorn, has decided to sell off Red Lobster and drastically remodel Olive Garden.

The Olive Garden redesign will include a new logo, a more open floor layout, smaller menu items and being able to order food from your phone and then stare at your phone in the parking lot until someone brings reheated lasagna to your car.

Red Lobster, however, will most likely now sleep with the fishes. Way to go, America. Now where are we going to meet Shooter McGavin?

| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day

Garth Brooks to do to Ireland what he did to music

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Fun Fact: All of Ireland’s troubles are potato-shaped.

U.S. country singer and face on your mom’s over-sized sleep shirt, Garth Brooks, only wants to perform five concerts in Ireland. And if he can’t have five shows, then he won’t perform at all.

Now Irish business groups are worried that “the Garth Brooks saga” will damage their tourism industry and upcoming bids for the Rugby World Cup and soccer competitions.

The last time a Garth Brooks saga threatened this much destruction was when that Chris Gaines guy started playing his shows.

| Posted in Facepalm

Harry Potter and the Self-referential Author

“Muuuuudblooooooooooods!”

The Guys don’t have an opinion on Scotland’s independence — it’s been a long time and many controversial outbursts since Braveheart. But, we do have enough sense that, if we did, we wouldn’t couch that opinion in “Hey, remember those children’s books I wrote?”

J.K. Rowling — author of the only seven books many people have ever read and one or two more that didn’t involve magic, so who cares? — donated at least 1 million pounds to an anti-Scottish independence organization ahead of an upcoming vote for exiting the United Kingdom.

Ms. Rowling, who lives in Scotland and will most likely participate in the vote added that she opposes elements responsible for the independence movement because of their nationalist tendency to question the bloodlines of anyone who wants to stay part of the UK. Which is a solid argument … Until you accuse them of being the villains of your book series, “death-eaters.”

That’s one self-serving way to avoid achieving Godwin’s Law.

| Posted in Booze News, Facepalm

And back to court we go

"Who's he?" "My designated driver." "And him?" "My defense attorney."
“Who’s he?”
“My designated driver!”
“And him?”
“My defense attorney!”

So, um, going out for drinks after winning that big case where your client was accused of drunkenly stumbling into a nine-year-old’s bed? Probably not the best idea.

Defense attorney, Scott Rosenblum, was arrested by police just after midnight for a DWI after crashing his car. Earlier that day, he successfully got his client, Daniel Hughes, found not guilty of statutory sodomy and child molestation charges after hotel staff gave Hughes the wrong room key, causing him to go to the wrong room and crawl into a bed with the young girl.

Yep, it’s the blind drunk leading the blind drunk.