Category: Facepalm

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day, War on Animals

World’s dumbest salamander found in amber

Even though it was, by all accounts, a dummy, that won't stop us from using it as whatever a paperweight is.
We can’t wait to clone it, Jurassic Park-style, and play hours and hours of “Pete and Re-pete.”

It’s important to remember that, as we fight what seems to be a losing War on Animals every spring through fall, that natural selection has given us only the most fit of foes. So, it’s a tough war, but would our sacrifices mean anything if it was easy? Like, if the Caribbean salamander were still alive?

Scientists had long suspected that the Caribbean had salamanders, and now we know why they died off. They finally found one preserved in amber.

‘There are very few salamander fossils of any type, and no one has ever found a salamander preserved in amber,’ study author George Poinar, Jr., a professor emeritus in the Oregon State’s College of Science, said in a press release.

In other words: they were even dumb by salamander standards.

So, feel good about that bug you squashed today. Even if you outsize it by, like, 5 to 1? (we’re warriors, not model designers), you still crushed the very best nature could throw at you. And that’s why we choose to fight the animals: not because it is easy, but because it is hahd hard.

| Filed under Facepalm

Paying your fine: against the law?

If pennies can pay your way into the afterlife or high fashion, then they're good enough for petty municipal fines.
If pennies can pay your way into the afterlife or high fashion, then they’re good enough for petty bureaucrats and their provincial fines.

We’ve all at one time been tempted to pay a fine entirely in pennies, perhaps pouring them all out in front of whichever unlucky government employee’s kiosk you walk up to.

But there’s another way to describe paying your fine with pennies: paying your fine. Are not pennies legal tender? Even if they are not silver or green, do they not turn silverish or green given enough time in a fountain or especially sweaty pocket?

And yet, one Pennsylvania man, Justin Greene, was denied the right — nay, privilege — actually, legal requirement to pay his $25 parking ticket fine in legal, U.S. Treasury Department-issued currency: one cent pieces.

Town officials turned away perfectly legal tender — even if it is ignored by all but the dumbest children when found on the ground — based on a repealed federal law that made pennies and nickels not legal tender for transactions over 25 cents. After learning their error, they will install coin counting machines for future completely legal payments of actual money.

Mr. Greene may have been denied the satisfaction of emptying a sock on government property, but his example means others will have that chance now. And that makes him fully minted hero in this crazy, bureaucratic, paperless world.

| Filed under Facepalm

Best time for Best Korea

It's Pyongyang Time! Everybody party like they hit the snooze alarm three times!
It’s Pyongyang Time! Everybody party like they hit the snooze alarm three times!

Best Korea (commonly called “North Korea” by capitalist pigs) is so not playing the imperialist Western game that it’s not even using the same clock anymore.

The country’s official Korea Central News Agency announced their new, unique time zone that is 30 minutes behind Japan and Worst Korea. Called “Pyongyang Time,” the zone will undo the tyranny of time once set on Korea by Japan in 1910.

Not everyone, of course, is on board with this plan. Worst Korea is already complaining that the conflicting interpretation of time will interfere with joint factory operations at the Kaesong industrial park. But, if workers would like to sleep in an extra half hour and live purely to prop up the Kim family, then they can always defect!

| Filed under Facepalm

Laying low budget

On the other hand, criminals can hide in plain sight if their movie's highly enough regarded.
On the other hand, criminals can hide in plain sight if their movie’s highly enough regarded.

While it may be possible for once famous actors to disappear into regrettable roles in B-movies, the same can’t be said for escaped fugitives.

That’s what Jason Stange, a man wanted by authorities for allegedly violating his parole in 2014, learned after appearing in a low-budget horror film. U.S. Marshals identified Stange from a picture in a Olympia, Washington newspaper feature on the film, Marla Mae, in which he plays an evil doctor.

We’re guessing this is exactly what Laurence Olivier felt like during Clash of the Titans.

| Filed under Facepalm

FDA: Restaurants don’t know what they’re serving you

Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.
Somehow, fast food has reached our highest echelons of government.

Even though we’ve put nutritional information on every food product sold in grocery stores for at least 30 years, our nation’s restaurants and grocery stores have successfully lobbied to delay posting calorie counts on their menus for another year.

The Food and Drug Administration delayed rolling out part of the Affordable Care Act due to ongoing haggling with food manufacturers over what a menu is, what’s considered a serving and what happens when someone “has it their way,” changing the calorie count. Basically, restaurants — and grocery stores that serve prepared food — would rather we believe that they don’t know what they’re serving us than admit what they’re serving us: surplus calories through added sugar and fat.

Restaurants of America: have some pride. You’ve convinced an entire nation that cooking is too hard to do at home, yet pay minimum wage to those who cook for you. You set up play areas that you don’t have to clean by making your best child customers too obese and sedentary to play in them. And the chains (20 locations or more) that are targeted by this legislation run test kitchens to make food addictive, yet you don’t know how to count and post the calories in it? This is why we pass laws.

| Filed under Facepalm

No Cliff’s Notes for poetry

Deep down, we all know that we’re supposed to like poetry. The problem is that, unless it’s assigned and will be on the final, we’re not going to read it. And we won’t be able to quote it unless it’s been in a movie — just don’t ask us what poem “O, captain, my captain!” comes from or who wrote it.

"It's called poetry, sport, and thanks to a handful of quotes in this movie, you'll never have to actually read it."
“It’s called poetry, sport, and thanks to a handful of quotes in this movie, you’ll never have to actually read it.”

But, because poetry is Important, we know that we should celebrate it, regardless of not knowing a lick of it. And that’s how the U.S. Postal Service screwed up Maya Angelou’s stamp with a quote that wasn’t hers: because it references a caged bird singing. That’s an Angelou poem, right?

(It isn’t. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings is her autobiography. And the title comes from a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar. Titled “Sympathy.”)

Nice try, America. Maybe we should stick to quoting our more telegenic civil rights leaders.

| Filed under Facepalm

So, there’s religious freedom … as always

Religious liberty soon to remain unthreatened in Indiana, provided nobody throws their snakes at homosexual or transgender people.
Religious liberty soon to remain utterly not threatened in Indiana, provided nobody throws their snakes at homosexual or transgender people.

Republican lawmakers in Indiana are finalizing amendments to the controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which is, in itself, odd because at no point has the First Amendment been repealed, and the free exercise of religion remains tax-free. The new language will include the first protections based on sexual and gender identity in Indiana state law history.

So, to recap: a law enacted mostly by and on behalf of homophobic “pro-family” organizations to protect their perceived right to deny goods and services to LGBT folks — under the guise of “restoring” an over 200-year-old nationally-protected right — will soon be protecting the very people that the bill’s backers wanted to hurt.

And, holy underwear, are the fundies pissed now that their bill, as a winking nod to Jim Crow, is as meaningless as its dumb name:

‘At this very moment, the Indiana Senate is considering ‘water-down’ language to the recently passed and pro-religious-liberty bill, Religious Freedom Restoration Act,’ [the American Family Association’s Micah Clark said in an update email to followers]. ‘Homosexual activists are demanding Christian business owners in Indiana be forced to compromise their faith.’

[Emphasis ours.]

News like this can only remind of us Kurt Vonnegut, who advised us all to occasionally notice, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”

| Filed under Facepalm, KAPLOOIE!

Some hippie tried to kill us all with organics

It turns out that organic products don't make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home.
Who knew that organic products don’t make radioactive waste safer to consume or keep in the home? Next we’re gonna learn that it doesn’t make cat sh*t safer, either.

An all natural, organic kitty litter brand is behind one of the most high-profile nuclear contamination releases in recent history, according to a report by the Department of Energy.

It’s a standard practice to absorb nuclear waste with kitty litter. However, in February 2014, a barrel of waste exploded at a federal waste facility, and it’s because some organic freak at Los Alamos National Laboratory switched out the normal clay stuff for the wheat-based Swheat Scoop, which was incompatible with the contents of the barrel.

So, remember: organic is good for you, except when it isn’t.

| Filed under Facepalm

No more band camp for Secret Service

The other option is to make the Oval Office look more like the Secret Service's existing training facility.
The other option is to make the Oval Office look more like the Secret Service’s existing training facility.

There’s one way to make sure the U.S. Secret Service doesn’t very lightly run into their own barricades while protecting the President: build a second White House.

No, they haven’t hit the bottle again while watching Blazing Saddles, foiling terrorists by sending them to a fake White House. The Secret Service just thinks it would make more sense to train in a facility that actually resembles the place they defend every day. This would be a substantial upgrade over

‘… a parking lot, basically,’ said Joseph Clancy, director of the Secret Service. ‘We put up a makeshift fence and walk off the distance between the fence at the White House and the actual house itself. We don’t have the bushes, we don’t have the fountains, we don’t get a realistic look at the White House.’

We fully support this idea and believe construction should begin immediately. But, no Irish!

… OK, the Irish, too.