The Guys don’t have much of a brand, but we will defend that brand to the death. So we guess it only makes sense that Paula Deen will do anything to restore hers, grasping any trending news article to lift herself up.
He [presumably Michael Sam] said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’
Right, Michael Sam wants to be known as the black football player, not the gay one. Just like how Paula Deen wants to be known as a media icon who sells terrible food, not the tone-deaf byproduct of the Jim Crow-era South.
A recent survey by NSF International indicates that not only do one-in-four people go to work sick, but that the majority of us think they’re great for doing it.
 percent of Americans surveyed acknowledged they judged fellow co-workers who come in sick. However, 67 percent said they considered sick co-workers to be hard workers [...]
What are we: the police chief from Lethal Weapon?
Granted, 37 percent of respondents said they go in because they don’t have paid sick leave. So, maybe it’s up to businesses to decide which they’d rather pay for: sick leave or cedar chips for sick leavings.
Not satisfied with being the most hated man in America, George Zimmerman announced that he will pioneer a whole new level of deplorability by becoming a lawyer.
Say what you will about him: any old a**hole could simply rest on his laurels. But, not Mr. Zimmerman. Rather than simply pull the ladder up behind him as King of Dick Mountain, he’s extending a rope down to others who may one day aspire to his level of gratingness:
‘I think that’s the best way to stop the miscarriage of justice that happened to me from happening to someone else. I don’t think it should ever happen to anyone ever again, not one person.’
At least he sort of recognizes that what happened to him (not serving time for shooting an unarmed youth) was miscarriage of justice. Which is why he needs to step up his hooliganry ASAP.
Hey, did you hear the one about the deaf composer in Japan? Turns out he did, too.
Mamoru Samuragochi was celebrated in Japan as their Beethoven … up until last week when he was forced to admit that he did not, in fact, compose all of his music.
And after everyone said, “Wait, you heard us discussing your credibility as a musician?” he put a cone to his ear and said, “WHAT?” He later admitted this week that he can kind of hear and that said crappy hearing is sort of, maybe … getting better.
Get ready for next week’s big Samuragochi announcement: “You guys! I can totally hear everything now! It’s a miracle! Send money and boobs so that I can finally hear them in stunning 1080p Hobbit sound!”
As a non-terrorist organization (unless the Southern Poverty Law Center has received our application), The Guys freely admit that we are not experts in the field of suicide bombing. And we’re not teachers, either, so maybe we don’t have a robust perspective on continuing adult education and jobs training programs.
Non-credentials aside, we can safely say that safety is paramount when training the terrorists of tomorrow.
Iraqi officials report that Sunni militants accidentally detonated a practice car bomb at their training facility north of Baghdad, killing 21 potential “another person’s freedom-fighters” before they could blow themselves up upon graduation. And to heap on the embarrassment, those officials were then able to arrest an additional 22 militants in the chaos.
Learning a new trade later in life, especially in a bad economy, can be both exciting and a little scary. So, while yes, it’s good to go that extra mile in class presentations … you might want to leave your C4 at home.
Ty Warner, the inventor of Beanie Babies, was sentenced Tuesday to a civil penalty, probation and community service for tax evasion. According to prosecutors, the stuffed animal magnate “failed to report more than $24.4 million in income and evaded nearly $5.6 million in federal taxes from millions hidden in Swiss bank accounts.”
Warner will serve no jail time due to his individual charity work, even though he was made a billionaire by millions of poor Americans who foolishly collected Beanie Babies as an “investment.” Fortunately, it’s not like they needed better schools, roads and — in extreme cases — welfare after the neon-colored bean cushion market collapsed in 2001, right?
Good idea: celebrating the end of New Year’s Eve with a “bang,” i.e., having a grand time and party that’s a lot of fun
Bad idea: celebrating the end of New Year’s Eve with a bang, i.e., shooting a gun
In the community of Tanana, Alaska, it’s a bit of tradition to shoot at the meeting of two rivers at midnight on New Year’s Eve. No one knows how the tradition was started as per the norm with all dumb traditions. Nevertheless, habit is habit, and a group of individuals did that very thing on December 31, 2013.
If you’re a Berliner and wondering when your grocer would start stoking coke in the produce aisle … you’re gonna have to wait for another shipment.
Drug smugglers accidentally delivered over 300 pounds of cocaine to five Berlin supermarkets. They were hidden in boxes with bananas, so that means that somewhere some very bad men are very disappointed with crates of just bananas. (However, eating some of that loot may just calm them down with serotonin before they go all Scarface on their underlings.)
But, this is good news for those of us who can’t get enough bananas in our mouths. It might just be a simple drug addiction from shipping contamination and not anything Freudian.
Berlin police described the shipping mistake as a ‘logistical error.’
After receiving threats of a peaceful counter-protest, the Young Conservatives of Texas, a conservative student group at the University of Texas, has cancelled their “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Game.”
The plan was to send out members wearing a sign that identified them as an “illegal immigrant” and give a $25 gift certificate — but totally not a bounty — to any student who turned them in to their table. The objective was to … teach college students to turn DREAM Act students in to other students? That illegal immigrants something something …
You know what? If you want to exercise your right to free speech to be a dick, at least have the balls to follow through on it, no matter how irrational.
While much of the to-do over our current president can be attributed to current peccadilloes — some over political difference of opinion, others over fears that Public Enemy really did usher in a black planet — much of it just comes down to media being media.