"I died to erase your search history."
“I died to erase your search history.”

Another Easter is over, and how did many of its most vocal adherents spend it? By switching to Bing.

While the date of Easter shifts around thanks to the miracle of modern calendaring, March 31st is also Cesar Chavez Day, a holiday commemorating the birthday of the Mexican-American farmer, union organizer and civil rights leader. So, when Google changed its Doodle to honor Chavez instead of Jesus’ big comeback, you can expect the reaction was less than measured from the Right.

The Google Doodle has already been the bane of the Fox Nation after failing to observe only the days they want it to, like Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Flag Day and the anniversaries of D-Day and the attack on Pearl Harbor. And while Google has gotten away with not doing an Easter Doodle since 2000, the tech giant brought all the fury down on themselves by honoring some socialist who taught the poor how to take care of themselves instead.

On a personal note: The Guys are also offended, but only because Google honored Cesar Chavez and not Cesar Romero, the guy who played the Joker on the 1960’s Batman TV series. But, we’re not, like, reduce-the-quality-of-our-Internet-searches-mad about it.

Alaska Rep. Don Young’s ‘Mad Men’ audition panned

"Is it still racist if I say that any one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans, instead?"
“Is it still racist if I say that one machine is worth 25 to 30 Mexicans instead?”

U.S. Rep. Don Young, R-Alaska, did the time warp during a radio interview on Thursday. Citing the progress we’ve made in industry, while making none himself, Young explained: “My father had a ranch; we used to have 50 to 60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes.” Now, however, “It takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It’s all done by machine.”

(We presume he used the term “machine” because he wasn’t sure if his interviewer had seen Battlestar Galactica and would understand what a “toaster” is.)

Young issued a statement later to explain his use of the term “wetbacks,” saying, “I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

See? He meant no disrespect; that’s just how people talked back then or if you’re a racist today. And if we offended Rep. Young by calling him a racist for saying a racist thing, then we assure him that we mean all of the disrespect implied.

Actual film declared not a film after being watched and awarded for filminess

Wait, it has a poster and everything? How is this not a legitimate movie when we all grudgingly agree that Movie 43 is?
Wait, it has a poster and everything? How is this not a legitimate movie when we all grudgingly agree that Olympus Has Fallen is?

The Las Vegas film festival rescinded the Silver Ace award given to a British film, A Landscape of Lies. (Note: The linked Reuters article incorrectly bills the movie as “Landscape of Lives.”) It turns out that the aptly named film about a Gulf War veteran seeking justice for his murdered comrade was actually a fraud to cheat money out of investors.

Of course, then the gang behind the swindle made the movie (although for significantly less than they reported on their taxes), and it won an award that the festival claims is only a participation award.

So, it’s a real movie with real actors — including Marc Bannerman from EastEnders and Scottish TV presenter Andrea McLean — that was even watched by real movie viewers who officially recognized it as an acceptable assemblage of pictures in motion … but it’s not a real movie because of the intent to steal money from investors and the public? This is exactly how the rest of us felt when they made a Green Lantern movie, and yet Martin Campbell and the executives at Warner Brothers are free to walk the streets.

Choosy moms choose HPV

"My daughter? She doesn't have to worry about cancer because we laugh over salad every day."
My daughter? She doesn’t have to worry about cancer because we laugh over salad every day.”

Despite calls for a cure for cancer whenever a new erectile dysfunction pill is developed, more parents are choosing not to vaccinate their daughters for the human papillomavirus (HPV) now that said cure actually exists.

The vaccine — commonly known as Gardasil — immunizes the recipient from HPV, a family of viruses that cause genital and anal warts and most cases of cervical cancer. HPV infects nearly all sexually active human beings on planet Earth, even if they only did oral or butt stuff or just once with some girl who lives in Canada. (Basically, if you’ve “done it,” you have it.)

44 percent of parents, however, do not plan to immunize their daughters. 16 percent hold concerns that the vaccine is unsafe, citing research by Some Guy on the Internet and Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn. And those who probably did no “research” at all just assumed it’s bad because it’s a vaccine.

Way to go, Jenny McCarthy! Way to go!
Way to go, Jenny McCarthy! Way to go!

17 percent, however, said their daughters don’t need it because they know their child isn’t sexually active. Fortunately, the vaccination is only effective prior to sex because, again, everybody has it, so it’ll be easier to catch their daughters and ground them for lying at their Purity Ball.

Doesn’t he wrestle sharks like a Welshman?

Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor's orders by going viral.
Paul Marshallsea, seen here living up to his name, violated doctor’s orders by going viral.

Paul Marshallsea was given simple directions by his doctor: to take some time off of work due to stress. And how did he choose to spend his time recuperating from stress? By going to Australia, home of the world’s most dangerous everything, and when that wasn’t enough, swimming away from the venom-soaked continent to wrestle a shark.

So, it only makes sense that the charity for which he works, the Pant and Dowlais Boys & Girls Club, fired him. When you use time off to rescue someone other country’s kids from a shark, that’s called moonlighting, Mr. Marshallsea.

And in parallel news, the shark was fired by his entire species for “violating the confidence and trust in him and his ability to perform the role” of devouring Australians.

Call me maybe when you’re more comfortable with yourself

Good-bye, closet; hello-o-o, Carly Rae!
Good-bye, closet; hello-o-o, Carly Rae!

Carly Rae Jepsen has backed out of a performance at the Boy Scouts of America National Jamboree.

The singer of summer 2012 annoyance “Call Me Maybe,” and probably some other songs, said she couldn’t perform for the Boy Scouts because of their policy against openly homosexual scouts and leaders.

That the Boy Scouts booked her in the first place, however, proves that they may not have an active policy against closeted members in their ranks.

UPDATE: Bikes only contribute more spandex to environment

Although bicyclists don't exhale enough CO2 to contribute to greenhouse gases, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.
Although bicyclists don’t exhale enough CO2 to contribute to the greenhouse effect, there is concern over the amount of performance enhancing drugs they leak into the French countryside every July.

In case you were wondering, riding a bicycle does not contribute a damaging amount of carbon dioxide to the atmosphere.

That announcement comes from the office of Ed Orcutt, a ranking Republican member of the Washington state House of Representatives Transportation committee, who recently had to retract a written statement claiming otherwise. In a letter to a bike shop owner, Dan Carlson, Orcutt defended his proposal to attach a $25 fee to bicycle sales over $500 by claiming:

A cyclists has [sic] an increased heart rate and respiration … Since CO2 is deemed a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclist are actually polluting when they ride.

What’s the deal? Are those who fail science doomed to run as Republicans?

So are they, like, reverse-hipsters now?

Twitter accounts for large American companies apparently have the security measures of a tissue. Earlier this week, Burger King was hacked. Then, Cadillac was hacked. Now, Denny’s has been hacked.

From within.

On purpose.

Ugh. Oh Denny’s, your attempt to make fun of the mainstream reeks of desperation. And calories, which normally have no scent at all, and yet your menu has somehow managed to give them an actual odor.

What will it take to please Catholic bishops? … Oh.

The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains that the only acceptable, fool-proof form of contraception is their Drew Carey glasses.
The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops maintains that the only acceptable, fool-proof form of contraception is their Drew Carey glasses.

Seeking a compromise with Catholic leaders who object to providing insurance that covers birth control, President Barack Obama proposed an exemption for religious institutions. Instead of requiring religious-affiliated employers to pay for the same insurance coverage that every other employer has to, a third-party provider will cover the birth control costs.

Sounds reasonable, right? Of course not, if you’re a Catholic bishop.

The bishops wrote back on Thursday to say that the compromise does not go far enough, in that it does not “force sluts to pay for their whore pills.” The compromise also fails, in their opinion, to address the concerns of religious — yet not religiously-affiliated — employers like Hobby Lobby, whose CEO prefers to only provide the health coverage that he wants to his employees.

In other news: some guy quit his job — again — because the number 666 appeared on his W-2. And this is we don’t let religion determine U.S. policy.

Siri’s a narc

Don't play coy with us, Siri. That's a nice face; we'd hate to see it get cracked.
Don’t play coy with us, Siri. That’s a nice face; we’d hate to see it get cracked.

Sure, we all love our smart phones. Who wants to go back to that dark age when you didn’t have a computer in your pocket to entertain you on the train or toilet? But, what if we told you that your smart phone is too smart for its own good?

19-year-old Matthew Dollarhide learned this firsthand when his phone dialed 911 while he and an associate discussed selling drugs. The two were sitting privately in the tow truck Dollarhide drives, and somehow, the phone dialed the authorities by itself, allowing operators to listen in. The operators then dispatched sheriff’s deputies, who found a crack pipe on Dollarhide.

We don’t wish any ill towards Siri, but if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll steer clear of the witness stand. Capisce?