Hitler ruins yearbook, little mustaches

Posted on August 26, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, War on Education | 2 Comments |

It’s been 70 years since World War II, and yet Adolf Hitler is still finding new things to ruin. Since his first blitzkrieg in the 1930s, he’s stolen the following from us:

And now, we can add the 2010 Easton Area High School Yearbook.

Somehow, a quote from the worst person in human history was printed onto page 190 of their yearbook, and attributed by name, yet nobody knows how it happened. Some believe though that it was one of those rare full sentence typos because, as Christian Bardales put it: “Our diversity is very strong so I believe it was just a mistake.”

Oh yeah, Christian? If your diversity is so strong, then how come there aren’t any Nazis at your school?

Written by Rick Snee

We’re milkin’ it

Posted on August 23, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Stripper News | Leave a Comment |

For at least the first six years of The Guys’ lives, we were breastfed. When we were kicked off the teat habit, we picked up drinking, which probably says all sorts of Freudian things about us.

So, we get it when mothers want to breastfeed wherever and whenever it’s necessary. We could really kick over some store displays when we went into withdrawal. (The shakes can really boost the force behind a toddler’s weight.)

But, in McDonald’s? Really?

“Most critics said they feel nursing should be a private thing between a mother and her child, to which one nurse-in mother said, ‘Do you want me to take my baby into a dirty bathroom stall?’“

Lady, look around. You’re in a McDonald’s. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between the floors in the bathroom or the dining room. And you can get crabs from either’s seating.

Written by Rick Snee

Liberals are from Venus, conservatives from France

Posted on August 19, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm | Leave a Comment |

One of the biggest ongoing political debates in this country is that of immigrants, their legal status and whether they are responsible for crime.

The side portrayed by Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer and her supporters is that illegal Mexicans and other illegal Latin American immigrants have turned her state into “the gateway to America for drug trafficking, extortion, kidnapping and crime.”

In response, it’s time to crack down on anyone suspicious, whether they worship a funny invisible god with an aversion to caricature artists, or they refuse to wear their immigration papers on their necks with their rabies licenses.

After all, when you’re in America, you better damn well act like a French president?

Written by Rick Snee

NY Gov has reservations about mosque

Posted on August 11, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm | Leave a Comment |

In an effort to compromise with Muslims looking to open a cultural center in New York City and white Americans who fear anything 9-11y sounding, New York Gov. David Paterson has offered up government land somewhere further away from Ground Zero.

The idea is to remove the offending sample of Muslim culture to some unused, unwanted piece of government property where they can remain out of sight and mind and, more importantly, out of the way of any future white development … like, say something other than a hole in the ground?

It’s a novel idea, and if history has proven anything, it’s that government relocation always works. Even if “works” means “keeping them away from where history books are written.”

Written by Rick Snee

Dumbasses don’t deny dumbass claim

Posted on July 26, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Scurry to the Capitol | Leave a Comment |

We’re not saying the Birthers are dumbasses, but Colorado GOP Senate candidate Ken Buck did.

Buck expressed frustration with the “dumbass” Birthers that keep showing up to his rallies and making the news. He told a Democrat operative that he wishes they would just shut the f@#k up, asking him or her to “tell those dumbasses at the Tea Party to stop asking questions about birth certificates while I’m on camera.”

Fortunately for Buck, the Birthers are a voting bloc that’s too stupid to be insulted.

9/12 Project Colorado Coalition leader, Lu Busse, only noticed that her candidate used some naughty language [emphasis ours]:

“‘He could have not called us a name,’ said Busse. ‘It would have been better to say, “Why do these people” and he shouldn’t have used a bad name, but I don’t see it as he meant anything personal to me or to the other people in the Tea Party movement.’”

What a dumbass.

Written by Rick Snee

If only teens loved something more than smoking …

Posted on July 13, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, Facepalm, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |

The Southern Nevada Health District has discovered the key to getting teens to stop smoking, picking up where tobacco companies have failed. (Which is surprising because those guys are marketing geniuses!)

The District has employed Vegas-style ads, using sex, booze and possibly Siberian tigers to convince youth that smoking is not sexy and, if you can’t get laid, then there’s always vodka.

Of course, some less successful anti-smoking campaigners have a problem with this. Smoke-Free Gaming chairwoman Stephanie Steinberg believes the ads just create a new problem: sexy, easy teenagers with tasty breath.

Steinberg’s right: unless these ads teach teens and young adults to eat their vegetables, volunteer with the elderly, spend a year abroad, go to church and quit smoking, then they might as well stay out of the discussion.

Written by Rick Snee

Age-old foes: safety vs. jobs

Posted on June 9, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm | Leave a Comment |

Republican Senators want to know: what will it take to get Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar and President Barack Obama to reopen all U.S. offshore oil drilling sites. They are concerned about a 6-month moratorium on drilling that could mean lost oil jobs.

And they’re right: even though all offshore drilling safety has been overseen by the Mineral Management Service, an organization that is still under investigation for over 10 years of graft, we need to speed up safety inspections and put workers back on derricks.

Besides, this is about jobs. Every time there’s an accident, another oil job opens up!

Written by Rick Snee

Must’ve been all that sexy abstinence talk

Posted on May 19, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Scurry (Politics), Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |

When family values Rep. Mark Souder (R-Ind.) announced he would resign his congressional seat after his affair with a female staffer, we were surprised. No, not because it was with a woman. We were surprised because we assumed that Souder had no genitals.

But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that the staffer in question, Tracy Jackson, also resigned. Jackson’s job was to produce videos for Souder on the topics of family values–including marital fidelity–and abstinence until marriage.

The Guys wish Ms. Jackson all the best on the next phase of her career where she trains babysitters until she’s caught molesting a baby.

Written by Rick Snee

Inter-Web solves all conservative problems!

Posted on May 18, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Scurry (Politics) | Leave a Comment |

The Internet is like the universe: nobody has seen the whole thing, and anyone claiming to know exactly what’s out there is trying to sell you something.

So, when it was announced that political conservatives were starting their own “Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr,” we knew this would be a hoot.

Ricochet (not to be confused with the chain of gay rod and gun clubs) will become an online home for conservatives by conservatives like Peter Robinson, who believes the “left outweighs the right-wing in cyberspace.”

We’re not sure exactly how anybody measures that sort of statement, considering that people of all political stripes use (or are at least invited to use) Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, each of which are distinctly different from each other unless you only know them as buzzwords. Or, do they mean it in the Fox News-sense where  it’s not fair to conservatives if there is any liberal involvement whatsoever?

(Special thanks to Alexis for the story.)

Written by Rick Snee

Get a head start on ruining a life

Posted on May 7, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm | Leave a Comment |

Parents, we know you work hard to embarrass your children on a daily basis, knocking them down a peg or two so they don’t grow up to be douchebags. Let’s face it: sometimes you have to pants them in a footrace so they’ll get ahead in life.

But, are you starting early enough? Sure, you could start at birth with dorky clothes, maybe even a diaper changing in a public place.

We’re not talking about exposing them to the Rent soundtrack while in the womb. We don’t even mean inhaling citronella candles during conception. No, much earlier.

You could pledge to name your child after a Twilight character. Right now.

But you’d better do it soon. Over 43,000 children already have this edge over your precious tax deduction.

Written by Rick Snee
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