Category: Facepalm

| Filed under Facepalm

All fun and games until counter-terrorism forces arrive

If there’s one night in everyone’s life that can quickly inflate to accusations of terrorism, it’s their 21st birthday party. (Unless you’re one of those free-wheeling, anything-goes, God-Save-the-Queen countries that allows drinking at 18.)

So, it probably wasn’t too surprising when Swedish police raided an apartment hosting a 21st birthday party that may or may not (spoiler: it did not) contain members of the Islamic State. They based their intelligence on balloons in the window that, from inside, look like this …

One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!
One, 21 balloons, lay down your arms, give up jihad!

… but, from the street, looked like a call to join the “IS.”

There’s only one problem with this logic: any terrorism cell that uses balloons to combat western decadence and promote a new, violent caliphate is probably not much of a threat. Or the most adorable one, yet.

| Filed under Facepalm

The greatest game ever tanked

Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world's most corrupt high school basketball programs!
Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world’s most corrupt high school basketball programs!

We thought we saw the pinnacle of women taking dives back in the 2012 Olympics during badminton. We were wrong.

Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.

Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.

The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!

For breast results, try a wet nurse

Now you know: when guys duck face in their gym selfies, they're not trying to make their faces thinner. They're hungry, ladies.
Now you know: when guys duck face in their gym selfies, they’re not trying to make their faces thinner. They’re hungry, ladies.

Hang out in the free weight section of the gym long enough, and you’ll hear pretty much the worst unsubstantiated “science” outside of the Creationism Museum. Whether it’s rep-to-set ratios, the latest “legal” steroid or what amino acids allegedly do today (as opposed to what they did yesterday), never did any group of men prove exactly how much you need to know to demonstrate how little you actually do.

And that is how we got to men buying human breast milk online for “gains.”

Sure, it’s lower in protein with more calories, fat and carbohydrates than cow’s milk. And, yeah, it’s unregulated and the mothers who sell it might be funding how knows what kind of habits that can be found in that milk. And, so what if it’s more expensive than a gallon of gas, much less a gallon of cow’s milk? What’s the big deal if it’s counter-intuitive to everything bodybuilders hold sacrosanct?

The point, bruh, is that this is why we work out: to put our mouths on boobies, even by proxy via mail order.

| Filed under Facepalm

Sony just … I don’t even … *audible sigh*

Sony has pioneered (sorry, Pioneer Corporation) new levels of douchiness by dressing the erosion of privacy expectations and freedom from surveillance in Bono's accessories.
Sony has pioneered (sorry, Pioneer Corporation) new levels of douchiness by dressing the erosion of privacy expectations and freedom from surveillance in Bono’s accessories.

The Sony Corporation may be only 68 years old, but it has clearly lost its damn mind. Between producing and then pulling The Interview (quick review: it was a’ight) and re-re-releasing the Walkman as the most expensive MP3 player made since 2003, we thought they were just going through a series of unrelated bad decisions.

Today’s announcement, however, that they’re not only trying to compete with Google Glass — the world’s most reviled new technology since the Choke Pear in the Middle Ages — but naming it the SmartEyeglass indicates that the company is clearly in the mid-to-late stages of senility.

Keep this page bookmarked so that you’ll know exactly when Sony starts saving and selling its executives’ toenail and hair clippings.

| Filed under Facepalm

Spoonfuls of sugar ruled ineffective without medicine

Thanks to moronic Orange County parents, the last sound their children may hear is a barber shop quartet.
Thanks to moronic Orange County parents, the last sound their children may hear is a barber shop quartet.

From its now unrecognizable Main Street to the mid-century Americana-themed Frontierland, Disneyland is dedicated to preserving America as it once was: simple, clean and full of boutique-style gift shops that haven’t been driven out of business by online sales and Wal-Mart. So, it’s only fitting that Disneyland would also bring back authentic, small town diseases like the measles.

Let this be a lesson to parents who believe that there are options to vaccination: yes, drinking the water in It’s a Small World, but only for diphtheria and cholera.

| Filed under Facepalm

Zunestation

Sony has possibly over-embraced the Back to the Future vision of 2015 by slightly updating sh*t from the '80s.
Sony has possibly over-embraced the Back to the Future vision of 2015 by slightly updating sh*t from the ’80s.

Not content to let the North Koreans destroy them, Sony has taken that responsibility on themselves. They unveiled yet another attempt to bring back the Walkman, this time with a $1200 price tag and the promise to somehow play your crappy, compressed MP3s better than any other device.

That’s right: Sony’s gone full Zune.

| Filed under Facepalm

‘Jeopardy’ contestants they ain’t

"Waking a tired shark?"
“Riding a derby horse? Dirty horse? Tired horse? Short horse? Farty horse? Horse horse? How many kinds of horses can there be? Next puzzle!”

Poor Pat Sajak. Well, not poor Pat Sajak. A 30-year steady paycheck on television is nothing to moan about. But still, it’s gotta suck hosting the sort of contestants who qualify for a multiple-choice spelling bee for adults.

Contestants on Monday’s Best Friends Week episode nearly broke Sajak, who still managed to keep it together with joke-rage. (You know, where you pretend to jokingly yell what you’re actually screaming in your head because it’s more polite than physical violence?)

Maybe Sajak gets to move up to Jeopardy when Alex Trebek retires.

| Filed under Facepalm

Adventurers Club of Los Angeles still not ready to talk to a girl

"You mean to say you didn't have a penis while losing your legs in Iraq? We're sorry, Rep. Duckworth, but the Adventurers Club finds you insufficiently adventurous."
“You mean to say that you didn’t have a penis while losing your legs in Iraq? We’re sorry, Rep. Duckworth, but the Adventurers Club finds you Insufficiently Adventurous.'”

For all their bluster about climbing the world’s tallest mountains, running in its longest races and hunting its most ferocious animals, the Adventurers Club of Los Angeles still can’t handle the mere idea of sitting in the same room with a girl every meeting.

The 93-year-old organization, which selects members based on the premise of “leaving the beaten path,” voted Thursday night to continue not allowing women to join their club. That would just be leaving the beaten path a little too far. [Warning: Their Web site has also not left the beaten path since 2000.]

We would be remiss to not mention that the He-Man No Girls Allowed Club does occasionally allow women who have sufficiently adventured enough to speak before them. We’re just not sure if they have to wear a false beard and lower their voices while presenting.

So, congratulations, you manly heroes, you. Maybe next year, you can vote on whether two guys accidentally touching knees under a table means they’re both super-homo-gay.

| Filed under Booze News, Facepalm

Cunning while intoxicated

Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.
Although his plan was doomed from the get-go, there are far worse drunk munchies decisions he could have made.

When facing solid, nearly incontrovertible proof of driving while intoxicated, your options are limited. Basically, you can either hang it up and consider yourself a pedestrian for the near future. Or, like Kenneth Desormes, you can look at the sh*t sandwich you ordered from life and try to take a great big bite out of it.

After being brought into a New York state trooper station on suspicion of DWI, Desormes’ breathalyzer results were printed out. He seized the opportunity and tried to eat the incriminating paperwork that said that his blood alcohol content measured 0.13 percent — well above the legal limit of 0.08. He, however, did not get the whole thing down and troopers added charges of obstructing governmental administration and criminal tampering.

We salute Mr. Desormes’ man-of-action decision-making, even though there was no chance in the world it would work. It’s not like printing a file automatically deletes it from the police computer system.

| Filed under Facepalm, War on Animals

Please don’t feed the bears … ‘s egos

You're not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear.
You’re not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear. You can’t sepia-tone that.

Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)

But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.

U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].

People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.

Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.