Catholic Charities shoot own feet for martyrdom
Posted on March 2, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
In a move that could be best described as “really, really obtuse,” Catholic Charities is taking a stand against legal gay marriage in Washington, D.C. According to a letter from Edward J. Orzechowski, President & CEO of the group, the company will no longer provide health plan coverage for spouses of new employees or employees who haven’t bought in yet.
(The letter courageously omits why their employees will receive less benefits, merely referencing “the tenets of our religious faith.” Perhaps even mentioning homosexuality is enough to tempt Catholics in Orzechowski’s book.)
So, Catholic Charities refuses to recognize gay marriage by refusing to recognize their own. Take that, homos!
Written by Rick SneeWhat’s more presidential than making new citizens?
Posted on February 8, 2010
Filed Under Facepalm, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Proving that the U.S. isn’t the only country with an oppositional party that overcompensates with moral outrage, the South African party, Congress for the People, is asking for President Jacob Zuma’s resignation.
Zuma, who already has 3 wives and 20 children, fathered another one out of wedlock. That’s right: it wasn’t even with one of his three wives! What ever happened to marital fidelity?!
(Of course, were this a French African country, his wives would probably accept his mistress.)
Critics are citing the statistic that “one in nine South Africans is infected with HIV.” They argue that Zuma’s out of wedlock child sets a bad example.
We’re not saying that South Africa has a … shoddy understanding of AIDS, but not only do they seem to believe that simply more South Africans equals more AIDS, but Zuma himself said, for a separate sex charge, that “he took a shower after the act to minimize the chance of infection” after (allegedly consensual) sex with an HIV-positive family friend.
Written by Rick SneeThomas: Don’t question the government
Posted on February 4, 2010
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Addressing an audience at the University of Florida law school, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas told a group of future lawyers that asking too many questions can “run the risk in our society of undermining institutions that we need to preserve our liberties.”
That’s right. The man whose job is to question and probe the founding document of our nation told a group of people who will need to question and probe that document and others that define the law of land, that to criticize the government and U.S. Supreme Court “[borders] on being irresponsible.”
Yes, Clarence “I Just Helped Overturn Eight Previous Supreme Court Rulings” Thomas said that. To lawyers.
Are we sure we want Supreme Court Justices to be lifetime appointees? Or did we just destroy America by asking that?
Written by Rick SneeHaiti has a police force? Who knew?
Posted on February 1, 2010
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Ten American civilians–Baptists, to be exact–were arrested by the Haitian government for allegedly trying to smuggle 33 children across the border into the Dominican Republic.
The Haitian Prime Minister, Max Bellerive, said they could be charged with kidnapping since the government put all new adoptions on hold until, you know, people aren’t living in tent cities and thousands of parents aren’t presumed still missing.
Other officials have objected to the Baptists’ adoption on the grounds of, “Did you see Footloose? Why would we send our children to that kind of hell?”
Written by Rick SneeUpdate (2 Feb 2010): Parents of the “orphans” are showing up to reclaim their children. Whoops!
New Yorkers’ tough talk after 9/11 just that
Posted on January 29, 2010
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You ever known somebody from New York, particularly from the city? If so, then you’ve probably heard all the talk that comes from New Yorkers: being raised on the mean streets, being able to make it anywhere and–after 9/11–tougher than any terrorist.
After intense bipartisan pressure from U.S. officials, NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the relatives of 9/11 victims, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder and President Barack Obama are now considering alternative sites for the trials of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and four of his alleged co-conspirators.
Those “tough guys” from “the streets” have suggested safer places, including U.S. military bases and West Point, for five men that have been tortured and held in tiny cells for almost a decade.
So, the next time you have to listen to an obnoxious New Yorker, or even a plain-old Yankees fan, brag about what a badass they are and how New York eats people up and spits them out, let them vent. It’s all they have left.
Written by Rick Snee‘Moose’ demonstrates fundamentals of racism
Posted on January 21, 2010
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When it comes to racism, this site has always held the opinion that, while the pain inflicted by it is wrong, the participants of it are hilarious. For every racist that proposes a racist idea or commits a racist act, two things always happen:
- The racist says that they do not hate “people of color,” “the blacks,” “Chinamen,” etc.
- The racist jumps through logical hoops to explain how their moment of racism was not racially motivated.
Like Martin Luther King, “Moose” also has a dream: to create a basketball league that focuses on “fundamentals” instead of “street ball,” to get rid of players “flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their [crotches]” and–most importantly–to make sure players are all “natural-born United State citizens with both parents of Caucasian race [to be] eligible to play in the league.”
Surely it’s not racist if your solution to one gun incident and the playing-style, look and language is to not allow any non-full blooded white people into your league, right? He’s just saying that the actions of two black NBA players proves in his mind that all non-white players are the problem and certainly not “All-American” material.
Wait, that is racism? Like the very definition, only “Moose” lacks the balls (heh) to actually say what’s on his mind?
Well, that sucks. We were looking forward to a slowed-down version of the game minus talented players, ball-handling ability, slam dunks and recognizable teams. Basically, we kind of hoped they got their chance to compete at a retard level.
(Special thanks to Matt Staggs.)
Written by Rick SneeWere their fingers broken?
Posted on January 19, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, Facepalm | Leave a Comment |
A bunch of people stood around in front of Edgar Allen Poe’s house Sunday night and were disappointed that the “Poe Toaster” did not show. The Toaster has annually left roses and a bottle of Cognac at the poet’s original grave site since 1949.
But, when the Toaster did not show, the spectators stood around complaining that they traveled, some even flying, for a no-show. Even the curator of the Poe House, Jeff Jerome, complained, saying there will be no roses or Cognac on display for the weekend following Poe’s birthday.
“I was very annoyed,” Jerome said.
Added one person from Chicago: “It’s really sad that the ritual was broken.”
And so, at the end of the night, no one made the effort to–oh, I don’t know–call a florist and run to the goddamn liquor store?!
Written by Rick SneeSaving the poor from (further) bad decisions
Posted on January 7, 2010
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Sometimes it’s tough to ignore homeless people. It’s a burden to pretend they don’t exist, imagining the situation that could put us in their position, and they aren’t helping with gaudy, out-of-season clothes. Penniless and attention-whoring is no way to go through life, son.
If you’re looking for a solution to the homeless problem described above, then New York would be the best place to start. Proving that miracles still happen on 34th Street, clothing store H&M refuses to donate unsold clothing and even cuts or hole-punches them before throwing the items away.
Bravo, H&M! It’s bad enough that poor people ride our buses and breathe our air, but the last thing we need is for them to offend our sense of style. If they want to wear designer clothes, then maybe they should get a job and buy the latest items that consumers actually want, hm?
And, of course, they’ll be able to throw those clothes away after a year of use.
Bonus Quote: “H & M, which is based in Sweden, has an executive in charge of corporate responsibility who leads the company’s sustainability efforts. On its Web site, H&M reports that to save paper, it has shrunk its shipping labels.”
You can’t fake that kind of philanthropy, people.
(Courtesy of Chris S.)
Written by Rick SneeWe’d make more fun if it was a guy
Posted on December 30, 2009
Filed Under Facepalm, Headline of the Day | Leave a Comment |
Look, we’re all for equality in the workplace, including in the world of sports. Women sportscasters and writers have brought fascinating new avenues of analysis to the games we love.
But, every now and then, one goes a little too … girly.
If we were to summarize the link, which is about an upcoming UFC mixed martial arts match, it would read: “Wearing the same dress to our fight? IT’S ON, B@%CH!“
Written by Rick SneeFox and facts? Oh, deer
Posted on December 21, 2009
Filed Under Facepalm, Headline of the Day | Leave a Comment |
It’s already understood that Fox News has a very tenuous grasp on what separates “fact” from “s#@t we’re spitballing on live television.” It’s also common knowledge that they have a Web site that reports this “news,” yet looks like it was built by CNN two years ago.
But, just when you think Fox can’t lower the bar any further, here are some very true, controversial facts about Santa’s reindeer.
Written by Rick Snee keep looking »Bonus: The article mentions “climate change” and steps to address it, but very carefully avoids implicating human emissions.