After receiving threats of a peaceful counter-protest, the Young Conservatives of Texas, a conservative student group at the University of Texas, has cancelled their “Catch an Illegal Immigrant Game.”
The plan was to send out members wearing a sign that identified them as an “illegal immigrant” and give a $25 gift certificate — but totally not a bounty — to any student who turned them in to their table. The objective was to … teach college students to turn DREAM Act students in to other students? That illegal immigrants something something …
You know what? If you want to exercise your right to free speech to be a dick, at least have the balls to follow through on it, no matter how irrational.
While much of the to-do over our current president can be attributed to current peccadilloes — some over political difference of opinion, others over fears that Public Enemy really did usher in a black planet — much of it just comes down to media being media.
This goes against doctors’ warnings that the incidents of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), accidental suffocation and getting trapped in bedding have risen with the trend. But, hey, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and declare all bed-sharing parents as America’s next “people who leave their dogs in cars.” There hasn’t been an official connection made between the two … in humans, anyway.
So, things are not looking good for the “War on Drugs.” Well, if you’re ag’in’em, anyway.
While drug busts and seizures are up, the prices of cocaine, heroin and marijuana are way down. On top of that, their purity has also gone up significantly. All together, this means that, yes, Western governments are “catching lots of bad guys” and “getting drugs off the streets.” But, only because there’s so much of it that it’s a buyers’ market now.
It’s times like these when The Guys are glad that we stick to realistic, winnable wars, like our wars on animals, robots, aliens, education and art.
U.S. politics is in a very strange place these days. If anyone thought back in 2008 that by 2013, drinking water would be a partisan issue, then they are sorcerers who must be burned immediately.
But, that’s where we are now. As first lady, Michelle Obama has taken controversial stands on eating healthy foods, exercising and now — to the dismay of certain conservative commentators who make a living off rage — drinking more water.
Well, that is a bridge too far. The very notion that anyone suggest maybe, occasionally drinking a glass of water just supports socialist programs like Big Water Treatment, eco-terrorists and their clean water campaigns and the leftist glass and Maoist cup industry. (Are we doing this right?)
So, if you really, really hate the Obamas, then here’s how you can stay ahead of their liberal agenda: stop breathing. We have it on good authority that the president and his family just can’t get enough air. In fact, they can’t go an exhale without sucking in more. And if you hold your breath until the 2016 election, then maybe President Obama and his water-pedaling family will finally move out of the White House.
The porn industry is facing its worst health and P.R. nightmare since being porn: four actors have tested positive for HIV.
What doesn’t help is that this comes after it essentially left Los Angeles to escape the city’s workplace condom requirement. (It’s only if you work on a porn set, so you can put that pack of Trojans away, Port of Los Angeles dockworkers.)
While we’ve all enjoyed wall-to-wall coverage of the young and dynamic William, Kate and their son, George Michael — as well as the hijinks of their ne’er-do-well brother, Harry — it’s important to remember that the British still have their old monarchs to take care of.
We’re not lecturing you, royal watchers. Just that, while a new puppy is exciting and cute, you can’t stop feeding the old corgi with large ears who loves plush toilet seats.
It’s this kind of neglect that led to palace guards rounding up Prince Andrew in Buckingham Palace, mistaking him for some kind of well-dressed homeless person because they didn’t know who he was.
And this is why you tag your royals before letting them wander about. Or, at the very least, spay or neuter your lord or lady so there aren’t millions of them roaming the countryside, eating up all the indigenous bird species.
While hearing a case about a child’s last name in Cocke (heh) County, Tennessee, a judge went above and beyond the call of duty and changed the child’s first name, too. (Hopefully at no extra charge.)
Judge Lu Ann Ballew ruled that parents could not name their son Messiah and ordered his full name changed from Messiah DeShawn Martin to Martin DeShawn McCullough so that his name would include both parents’ last names.
Oh, and also because
‘The word “Messiah” is a title, and it’s a title that has only been earned by one person, and that one person is Jesus Christ,’ the judge added.
This is, of course, news to Cyrus the Great, Mirza Ghulam Ahmad, Bahá’u'lláh, Maitreya, Emperor Haile Selassie I, Neo, Anakin Skywalker and Paul Muad’dib Atreides.
In case the idea of a Tennessee court using its bench to enforce religious doctrine seems vaguely familiar, it’s probably because Tennessee is one of several states that tried to make it a crime to practice Sharia law. That’s because one religion is more than their judges can already handle.
If the world is Oz, then the Japanese are collectively the Wizard, and they will give a brain to just about anything these days. Unfortunately, it looks like making the toilet “smart” was a bad idea.
The Satis smart toilet has an automated lid, bidet functions, sounds, air freshening and a spotlight for appraising your work afterwards. (Considering that it costs over $4000, it makes sense that the person who owns one would believe that their dumps are Instagram-worthy. We recommend the Hudson filter.)
But, because it’s hardwired with Bluetooth (… really?), it’s also vulnerable to hacking. So, if your toilet starts acting up, there’s a good chance that it’s just someone who knows to spend their money on computer hardware instead of toiletry screwing around with you.
Or, if you don’t have a smart toilet, then it’s definitely the hand monster waiting inside.
Work began today to remove a “quote” from the recently erected Martin Luther King, Jr. memorial in Washington, D.C. today. The artist, Lei Yixin, originally applied the Fox News method of quotation; that is, taking …
Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice; say that I was a drum major for peace; I was a drum major for righteousness.
… and encapsulating it into a rage-inducing headline …
I was a drum major for justice, peace and righteousness.
(So, yes, he wanted to say that, Dr. King.)
But now that the side will be replaced, Dr. King will no longer be a drum major. And just to be safe, the U.S. National Park Service will also revoke forthwith any letters he may have earned in high school band. It’s the only way to be sure.