Category: Facepalm

| Posted in Facepalm, War on Animals

Please don’t feed the bears … ‘s egos

You're not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear.
You’re not doing yourself or the War on Animals any favors if your bear selfie is from inside the bear. You can’t sepia-tone that.

Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)

But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.

U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].

People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.

Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
Then you can get all the pictures with your bear that you need.
| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day, Nostalgia Craze Gone Too Far

Coming Soon: … A collection of plastic moving parts from a recent movie

Coming soon to a desk near you. (We're joking that it's a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto. Yes, like wasps.)
Coming soon to a desk near you. (We’re joking that it’s a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed-up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto.) (Yes, like wasps.)

In case you younger viewers were confused by the piece of sci-fi alien tech that Starlord used in Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s called a tape cassette and actually comes from our own species’ past.

And now, you can buy one, even if you don’t have the means to play it.

And that’s a good thing because you don’t have the tool to fix your cassette when it eventually unspools.
| Posted in Facepalm

What? Was ‘Putin on the Pepperoni’ already taken?

Those stupid Russians, amiright?
Those stupid Russians, amiright?

Russian civilians are not taking U.S.-led sanctions against their economy sitting down. The U.S.-lead sanctions in response to Russian military actions in Ukraine put the recently-opened New York Pizzeria in the far eastern region of Amur in the spotlight.

According to Russian media* (so, you know, take that how you will), angry Russian patriots filed a petition with the local government, demanding that the name be changed to something more patriotic. Just, you know, without any helpful ideas or suggestions:

Such a name conjures up images of U.S. symbols like the Statue of Liberty at a time when the U.S. is pressuring Russia with economic sanctions, the letter says, before asking if there are no Russian names for a pizzeria.

The pizzeria ended up changing their name themselves to Amur Pizza because people are dumb and Russia has about as much to do with pizza as Italy.

But, of course, nothing like that would ever happen here in freedom-loving America, right?

*Bonus: The comments are pretty damn entertaining and a nice break from the crap we find at the bottom of our own news posts.

| Posted in Facepalm, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: The right way and the FCC way

As no stranger to the ongoing debate over the Washington Redskins’ team name and a fan of the team, this year has proved to be one of the most interesting ones. Hey, I need something to keep me interested in a season that is still three wins away from besting last season … in Week 5.

First, the United States Patent and Trademark Office cancelled six of the team’s trademarks, all involving the word “Redskins” and one of them being, adorably, “Redskinettes.”

Then, The Daily Show had the audacity to make defensive Redskins fans actually look at and maybe even talk to real Native Americans who don’t like the team name — people that my fellow Redskins fans have insisted don’t really exist. And the season 18 opener of South Park absolutely destroyed.

And now, as more and more sportscasters refuse to say the team’s name on the air, the FCC is considering banning the word “Redskins” from broadcasts.

Aaaaaaandthat’s where you lost me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not opposed to changing the team name, especially since most of the arguments for keeping it are utterly moronic when changing it is so much simpler. But changing already obtuse FCC rules to get around what should be an easy decision of conscience or at least of business? That’s a recipe for disaster, and here’s why …  Continue reading

| Posted in Facepalm

‘Like this if you think I’m a good person’

"Paying it forward, so now you can pay it forward by sharing my post about my good deed."
“Paying it forward, so now you can pay it forward by sharing my post about my good deed.”

One of the biggest problems with maintaining an online presence is making sure everyone knows you’re a good person. It’s why we only post flattering pictures and have to apologize immediately on the nearest late night couch when we fumble a joke.

So, when you do something grand and unexpectedly nice (for instance, leaving an overworked waiter a $100 tip despite lousy service), what’s the best way to make sure everyone knows about it?

You could wait to see if the waiter posts it up on his blog/Facebook/shrine to nice people in their bedroom closet. Or,  you can follow Makenzie Schultz’s example and post it yourself, the very same day, receipt and all.

And presto: you’re now recognized by your peers as a terrific human being and role model. Or put on ignore. Same difference — heroes aren’t always recognized in their own lifetimes or social media feeds.

| Posted in A Word from Our Sponsors, Facepalm

For the worker who can’t find new ways to demean themselves

Your move, people sitting on ab balls.
Your move, people sitting on ab balls.

Do you ever worry that you haven’t sacrificed enough at work? To date, the average American office worker has forsaken

  • Salaries that rise to match inflation and higher costs of living.
  • Pensions.
  • Evenings and weekends free from phone call and emails.
  • Offices.
  • All physical activity.

But, what if we told you that you could get back that last item — physical activity — and all you’d have to trade is in the only thing you have left: dignity?

Introducing: the Hamster Wheel Standing Desk. It’s a hamster wheel that you stand in while working at your standing desk. (Cedar chips that eliminate loss of productivity due to leaving your desk to go to the restroom sold separately.)

| Posted in Facepalm, How To

How To: Fit the new iPhone to your pants

You've wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.
You’ve wasted origami on fake problems when you could be retiring skinjobs, you Blade Runner, you.

While Apple has delivered tools to improve our work efficiency and ability to browse pornography in the bathroom, that convenience can also create problems. Fortunately, “lifehackers” are here to solve the downsides to being bored, middle class and adverse to going to a store to see how big things are before buying them.

Take, for instance, the new iPhones 6 and 6-Plus. Because they’re not in stores yet, how are we supposed to know which model will fit our pants?

You could print out paper models or test pocket the Motorola Moto X and Samsung Galaxy Note 3, as c|net helpfully suggests.

Or, you can save time by using The Guys method for sizing your next iPhone: look at your pants. Are the pockets roughly the same size as they’ve always been? Did you recently switch to wearing only breeches, or are you suddenly wearing billowy diapers under them? Can you feel how your current phone fits in there?

Then you should know if 5 inches of phone will fit inside your pants or not.

You can thank us by using your newly freed up time to find real problems to solve.

| Posted in Facepalm, Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia

Armed teachers already have a 100 percent success rate in eliminating threats

Here's one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in their head.
Here’s one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in her head.

Good news, RAM members and other Bandoleered-Americans: Idaho and Utah’s new laws that allow teachers with conceal-carry permits to bring their weapons to school are working! In only two weeks since Labor Day, a teacher in each state was able to successfully fend off a gunman with their own guns in their schools.

A chemistry teacher at Idaho State University shot an armed person in his classroom. And it was a good thing, too, because the classroom was full.

And in Utah, a teacher managed to shoot an armed person while in the bathroom before that person could reach the classroom with her weapon.

And that’s the beauty of the NRA’s “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” position: knowing a good armed person from a bad one can be complicated. But you don’t need to know who’s the good guy and bad guy if they’re both the same person.

(If you didn’t click the links, they shot themselves.)

| Posted in Facepalm, Putting the 'Wood' in 'Hollywood'

Gwyneth Paltrow even makes Judaism insufferable

“I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy.” -- Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers serve whatever the hell she calls food.
I am the original Jewish mother. I make meals from these new recipes that look, smell and taste like the food I always cooked, but are also super healthy. That is an additional joy. — Gwyneth Paltrow, ::eyeroll:: who thinks that Jewish mothers are people who serve whatever the hell she calls food.

As concerned professional Internet users, The Guys believe it is time for the U.S. Surgeon General to issue an eye movement hazard warning about Gwyneth Paltrow. There is literally nothing she can do that doesn’t elicit an immediate severe rolling of the eyes.

Married the lead singer of Coldplay?

::eyeroll:: Of course she did.

Divorced him in the New Age-iest, most self-actualizingly aggravating way possible?

::eyeroll:: Yep.

And now: converting to Judaism because she found out “that her father was descended from a Russian rabbinical dynasty” and saying, “Like, 17 generations of rabbis — you see, I really am a Jewish princess!”

::eyeroll:: Oy vey.

We see no signs of Paltrow’s agonizingly near-earnest, yet demonstrably tone-deaf behavior abating any time soon. If the Surgeon General doesn’t post a warning on her forehead soon, then our own staff doctor will do it for him.

Edit: Special thanks to Robyn G. for correcting what had been the punk spelling of “oy.”

| Posted in Facepalm, The Guys in Moms

Hang up and let your kid drive

"I learned it from you, Dad! Alright? I learned it from texting you!"
“You, alright?! I learned it by texting you!

According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent

‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.

So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.