Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)
But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.
U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].
People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.
Russian civilians are not taking U.S.-led sanctions against their economy sitting down. The U.S.-lead sanctions in response to Russian military actions in Ukraine put the recently-opened New York Pizzeria in the far eastern region of Amur in the spotlight.
Such a name conjures up images of U.S. symbols like the Statue of Liberty at a time when the U.S. is pressuring Russia with economic sanctions, the letter says, before asking if there are no Russian names for a pizzeria.
The pizzeria ended up changing their name themselves to Amur Pizza because people are dumb and Russia has about as much to do with pizza as Italy.
As no stranger to the ongoing debate over the Washington Redskins’ team name and a fan of the team, this year has proved to be one of the most interesting ones. Hey, I need something to keep me interested in a season that is still three wins away from besting last season … in Week 5.
Aaaaaaand … that’s where you lost me. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not opposed to changing the team name, especially since most of the arguments for keeping it are utterly moronic when changing it is so much simpler. But changing already obtuse FCC rules to get around what should be an easy decision of conscience or at least of business? That’s a recipe for disaster, and here’s why … Continue reading →
One of the biggest problems with maintaining an online presence is making sure everyone knows you’re a good person. It’s why we only post flattering pictures and have to apologize immediately on the nearest late night couch when we fumble a joke.
You could wait to see if the waiter posts it up on his blog/Facebook/shrine to nice people in their bedroom closet. Or, you can follow Makenzie Schultz’s example and post it yourself, the very same day, receipt and all.
And presto: you’re now recognized by your peers as a terrific human being and role model. Or put on ignore. Same difference — heroes aren’t always recognized in their own lifetimes or social media feeds.
Do you ever worry that you haven’t sacrificed enough at work? To date, the average American office worker has forsaken
Salaries that rise to match inflation and higher costs of living.
Evenings and weekends free from phone call and emails.
All physical activity.
But, what if we told you that you could get back that last item — physical activity — and all you’d have to trade is in the only thing you have left: dignity?
Introducing: the Hamster Wheel Standing Desk. It’s a hamster wheel that you stand in while working at your standing desk. (Cedar chips that eliminate loss of productivity due to leaving your desk to go to the restroom sold separately.)
While Apple has delivered tools to improve our work efficiency and ability to browse pornography in the bathroom, that convenience can also create problems. Fortunately, “lifehackers” are here to solve the downsides to being bored, middle class and adverse to going to a store to see how big things are before buying them.
Take, for instance, the new iPhones 6 and 6-Plus. Because they’re not in stores yet, how are we supposed to know which model will fit our pants?
You could print out paper models or test pocket the Motorola Moto X and Samsung Galaxy Note 3, as c|net helpfully suggests.
Or, you can save time by using The Guys method for sizing your next iPhone: look at your pants. Are the pockets roughly the same size as they’ve always been? Did you recently switch to wearing only breeches, or are you suddenly wearing billowy diapers under them? Can you feel how your current phone fits in there?
Then you should know if 5 inches of phone will fit inside your pants or not.
You can thank us by using your newly freed up time to find real problems to solve.
Good news, RAM members and other Bandoleered-Americans: Idaho and Utah’s new laws that allow teachers with conceal-carry permits to bring their weapons to school are working! In only two weeks since Labor Day, a teacher in each state was able to successfully fend off a gunman with their own guns in their schools.
And that’s the beauty of the NRA’s “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” position: knowing a good armed person from a bad one can be complicated. But you don’t need to know who’s the good guy and bad guy if they’re both the same person.
(If you didn’t click the links, they shot themselves.)
As concerned professional Internet users, The Guys believe it is time for the U.S. Surgeon General to issue an eye movement hazard warning about Gwyneth Paltrow. There is literally nothing she can do that doesn’t elicit an immediate severe rolling of the eyes.
And now: converting to Judaism because she found out “that her father was descended from a Russian rabbinical dynasty” and saying, “Like, 17 generations of rabbis — you see, I really am a Jewish princess!”
::eyeroll:: Oy vey.
We see no signs of Paltrow’s agonizingly near-earnest, yet demonstrably tone-deaf behavior abating any time soon. If the Surgeon General doesn’t post a warning on her forehead soon, then our own staff doctor will do it for him.
Edit: Special thanks to Robyn G. for correcting what had been the punk spelling of “oy.”
According to a recent survey presented to the American Psychological Association, parents who text and call their teenagers while said teens are driving have children who text and use the phone while driving. Of polled teens, 53 percent of polled teens who talked on the phone behind the wheel talked to a parent.
‘Teens told us parents really expected to keep track of them, and they are expected to answer the phone if the parent calls. In some cases, the parent might continue to call until the teen answers,’ says Noelle LaVoie, a psychologist in Petaluma, Calif., whose private research firm conducts corporate and government studies.
So, the next time a teen dings your ’04 Sentra, send the bill to their parents. After all, they’re the ones who can afford the helicopter they’re using to keep constant tabs on their offspring.