Category: Facepalm

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, Facepalm

It’s not on your TV; it’s HBO

Look, Bill Maher's smugness doesn't pay for itself, OK? Take one for the team and pay for an HBO Now subscription already.
Look, Bill Maher’s smugness doesn’t pay for itself, OK? Take one for the team and pay for an HBO Now subscription already.

Well, HBO finally noticed that everyone’s either jumping into and out of their HBO Now streaming service between Game of Thrones seasons or sharing accounts. How? Because there are only 800,000 accounts. Whoops.

So, like Hillary Clinton asking for a dollar from all of her supporters who don’t work for Citibank, the non-HBO-subscribing Game of Thrones viewers need a few more people to subscribe year-round to HBO Now. Or they’ll pull the plug. Or worse: include ads.

The Guys would do it ourselves, but, as much as we like John Oliver, we just can’t pay to watch the same four movies every eight hours (plus two hours of the softest of softcore pornography).

But, you, you should totally do it. And then give us your password.

| Filed under Facepalm, Sex Sells

The right to bare arms, legs in the workplace

If men can wear this while accepting bribes in the state capitol, then women can wear mini-skirts.
If men can wear this while accepting bribes in the Kansas state capitol, then women can wear mini-skirts.

State lawmakers in Kansas, including Sen. Mitch Holmes, are red-faced over women’s attire in the state house. At first, they were blushing due to reports of low-cut tops and mini-skirts, and then after being thoroughly lashed with the keyboards of the Tumblrazzi for slut-shaming.

Holmes and his fellow Republicans received criticism for only addressing women’s inappropriate attire, but not men’s. So, from here on out, men no longer have to wear pants, jacket and tie in the state house, but can now wear tank tops and shorts with hems halfway up the knee.

That’s right, men of Kansas’ law: dress for the job you want, which is giving up your self-worth in return for lobbyists’ money.

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, Pirates

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of breast milk

There are at least two reasons why the pirates of the Caribbean wanted the redhead so badly.
There are at least two reasons why the pirates of the Caribbean wanted the redhead so badly.

A baby in Spain nearly died of scurvy after drinking almond milk-based formula instead of something that nutritionally resembles breast milk. Fortunately, it only took 8 months and an inability to touch his legs without causing pain before someone took him to the doctor.

Almond milk, which is mostly bullsh*t (it’s the number three ingredient after water and almonds), doesn’t contain enough vitamin C to prevent malnutrition, especially when you’re too young to suck limes on longer ocean voyages.

On hearing that breast milk could prevent scurvy, pirates are now turning down booty and finally growing up into breast men.

| Filed under Facepalm

Emotional support dogs need emotional support, too

OBEY MY DOG.
OBEY MY DOG.

Back in 2011, we mentioned that Thailand has a king, and that king is a tiny wuss in a funny hat who doesn’t want to be criticized. Well, he also has a hypersensitive dog (a rescue, of course) and disparaging that fleabag online could land you anywhere from three to 15 years in prison.

So, it’s very important that, once again, we demonstrate the Internet’s renowned sensitive side and respect this weenie’s safe space. And his little dog’s, too. Send your kindest, warmest regards to King Bhumibol Adulyadej and Tongdaeng through the Royal Thai embassy.

Some topics to avoid/show sensitivity to:

  • How the king’s breath smells suspiciously like dog tongue
  • The curious lack of peanut butter despite Thai cooking in the royal palace
  • How the king’s book about Tongdaeng lacks any sense of structure, character, and the Aristotelian unities
  • The military junta he hides behind that overthrew a legitimately elected democratic government so he can wear stupid furry hat without criticism

We know we can count on you to make up for a few bad apples, Internet. Well, this little guy needs all the kind words you can give him.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

At least somebody’s been watching our debates

We've got a great name to put on Budi Waseso's dream ...
We’ve got a great name to put on Budi Waseso’s dream …

OK, if we can get the Mexicans to pay for our border wall (not sure what they have against Canadians, though), then we can get the Indonesians to pay for a crocodile moat.

Government officials in Indonesia are trying to laugh away plans from their anti-drug czar to build a super-dooper-max detention facility for death row inmates. (In Indonesia, that’s anybody convicted of drug offenses, so they’re obviously running out of room.) National Narcotics Agency (BNN) chief Budi Waseso, however, says that he is not joking about his plans to surround a prison island with crocodiles, tigers and piranhas (oh my!).

And the best part is that he’s already testing it out for our eventual border moat. Waseso says that he’s already obtained two crocodiles to study their aggression and figure out the perfect mix with piranhas to maximize convict lethality while also keeping them from eating each other.

| Filed under Facepalm

‘War on Christmas’ starts earlier every year

Starbucks picked the perfect symbol to capture the 2015 holiday spirit: an angry red cup that runneth over with hot, scalding rage because the barista didn't leave room for cream.
Starbucks picked the perfect symbol to capture the 2015 holiday spirit: an angry red cup that runneth over with hot, scalding rage because the barista didn’t leave room for cream.

It’s only been a week since Halloween (we haven’t even changed our message in the sidebar yet, fer pete’s), and imaginary battle lines have already been drawn in the non-going War on Christmas.

Starbucks unveiled plain red cups that they will use this season, presumably to pedal out America’s peppermint-flavored fixes. Because Starbucks is already somehow a political cudgel for gun rights, one or two of the usual Christian attention whores have declared this an affront to god, whatever the holy spirit is and the only baby with a beard, Jesus Christ himself. (Fun fact: his middle initial, “H,” actually stands for “Himself.”)

This has prompted a far larger crowd of perpetually eye-rolling online activists to prop up those one or two angry people as the Official Christian Response to Starbucks, effectively doing a better job of spreading hypocritical Christian angst than the Westboro Baptists. (That’s how we found out about this whole to-do, not because of Pastor Dave’s blog post/call to boycott.)

Meanwhile, Starbucks is doing better than ever, selling coffee to both the aggrieved (who are “tricking” baristas into writing misspelling “Merry Christmas” on their cups by saying that’s their name) and the humanist keyboard commandos alike. Other seasonal causes, like feeding and clothing the poor this winter and Movember, will have to try harder to offend for this kind of success.

| Filed under Facepalm

When GMO-free food attacks!

If you uncontrollably poop in the woods, and no one's there to hear it, did Chipotle cause it?
If you uncontrollably poop in the woods, and no one’s there to hear it, does anyone make a Sh*tpotle joke?

Stock fell for the Subway of burritos, Chipotle, after reports of people getting E. coli from their food hit the press. There have been 22 reported cases of infection, but it’s impossible to know how many were really infected since diarrhea is already a symptom of eating at Chipotle.

That people could get diseases from Chipotle’s food may be surprising for some since the chain claims that all of its ingredients are not from genetically modified organisms (or GMOs). So, at least we’re all getting organic, free-range sh*ts.

| Filed under Facepalm, Scurry '16

Facts trailing behind Trump, Carson in polls

Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok: "It wasn't me."
Dr. Carson used a method perfected by medical pioneers Shaggy and Rikrok to surgically remove himself from past quackery: “It wasn’t me.”

Last night, Republican primary candidates faced off once again in debate, this time in Colorado on CNBC. The winner? Lying and skirting questions.

  • Donald Trump denied criticizing Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg for his stance on immigration, even though the words from the question came from his own web site.
  • Dr. Ben Carson denied ever promoting legally- and nutritionally-dubious supplement company Mannatech despite repeated reporting and photo evidence that he, in fact, did.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz refused to answer a question about the issues — in his case, debt and the budget deals that he opposes — because he claimed that wasn’t a question about the issues.

All in all, the Republican candidates are once again asking voters who they’re gonna believe: them, or the media that keeps quoting them. And not trusting the media is exactly how they got blindsided in 2012, lest they forget this scene:

But, hey, maybe that’s the problem. Maybe they didn’t bury their heads deep enough.

| Filed under Facepalm

The military and the dirigible, no good, very bad day

Grab it! It's getting very gradually away!
Grab it! It’s getting very gradually away!

Hey, uh, if you’ve seen a blimp dittybopping around, the military would very much like to know where it is. (It probably sounds like this.)

The blimp was part of a $2.7 billion research project being conducted at Aberdeen Proving Ground, Maryland. (Apparently, good rope would cost an extra billion or so.) It somehow broke loose and, at the time of this reporting, is floating somewhere over Pennsylvania according to NORAD.

Of course, NORAD also tracks Santa Claus, so maybe the blimp only exists in our hearts, you guys.

| Filed under Facepalm

Pork the ones you’ve locked up

We're confused how pork rated so low. Are felons also denied the right to bacon?
We’re confused how pork rated so low. Are felons also denied the right to bacon?

Sometimes we wonder why so many Americans are locked up. Part of it might be for drug offenses, the punishments for which have only become more and more draconian since we declared war on them. But part of it might be because, dammit, pig farmers need over 2 million captive consumers of their products.

Prisons across the U.S. began reducing or dropping pork entirely from cafeteria menus after it polled low on prisoner surveys. To get that pig butt back in our convicts’ lucrative mouths, Sen. Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) leveraged (read: exploited) his position as head of the Senate Committee that oversees the federal prison system after pork lobby squealed. He also happens to be the senator from the top pork-producing state.

So, that’s how much we depend on keeping people behind bars: almost as much as we need to keep building tanks that the Army no longer wants. We profit from forced prison labor, which happens to be disproportionately not white, and give them the food that apparently not enough people want. Gee. That’s not historically uncomfortable at all.