Finally, somebody stands up for child rape

But you can't hold a whole school responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole college football system? And if the whole football system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
“But you can’t hold a whole school responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole college football system? And if the whole football system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!”

Pennsylvania Governor Bill Corbett filed a lawsuit against the NCAA for their sanctions against Penn State. The school received a $60 million fine, a four year bowl game ban and limited scholarships for, according to a report by former FBI director Louis Freeh, failing to disclose Jerry Sandusky’s shower fun times with children since they first became aware of it back in 1998.

Gov. Corbett, who served on the Penn State Board of Trustees back when the scandal broke, reviewed the NCAA’s bylaws and alleged that the college sports association overstepped its boundaries:

“Corbett’s spokesman, Kevin Harley, said Corbett came to believe the NCAA had overstepped its bounds and had not followed its bylaws, which limited sanctions to infractions relating to recruitment, academics, and football.”

See? Nothing about molesting children, so it’s OK when your school profits from it.

Baguetting might be the cause of rising food prices

Tumblr has long billed itself as a blogging platform that’s more adaptable than a traditional blog platform, but with keeping the same feel of a blog. However, it’s really just a mash-up of traditional blogs and Twitter used almost exclusively to host Internet memes. Tumblr sites seem to have the shelf life of tuna salad.

One of the newest photo memes out there is “baguetting.” This means taking a picture of a scene where an object or body part has been substituted for — say it with us — a baguette. This is a thing now, because George Takei, lord of the Internets, has taken part in it.

Starting 2013 off with a whimper, eh, Internet?

Putin hits us right in the Jolie’s

In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin regretted cutting into Angelina Jolie's selection of children, saying that he would be more than willing to still help her have Russian children. With his dick. ("Brad can watch.")
In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that, while he regrets cutting into Angelina Jolie’s selection, he would be more than willing to help her have Russian children. With his dick. (“Brad can watch.”)

Mark it on your calendars, fellow Americans. From this point on, we can no longer adopt designer babies from Russia. According to a bill signed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, wealthy U.S. moms will have to dress underfed kids from pretty much everywhere else in the world in our country’s unused skinny jeans.

If that sounds harsh, please realize that this was in response to a U.S. bill that promised sanctions on Russians who have violated human rights. And, you know what? We’re with Putin. After all, what’s the point of protecting human rights abusers if there aren’t any unwanted children in your country for them to abuse?

Ha ha, very funny, NASA

Seriously, though: what purpose do the gym shorts serve? Space hockey?
Seriously, though: what purpose do the gym shorts serve? Space hockey?

Yeah, NASA, you totally had us going with your new Buzz Lightyear prototype spacesuit. To infinity and beyond, indeed. Space Rangers reporting for duty! Hahaha!

The “Z-1?!” Ah-hahahaha! Does it come with everything you see here, or are batteries included?

Eh-heh, heh … So, what does your next spacesuit really look like?

… Oh.

Really?

And just how much did Disney pay you to make Tomorrowland relevant again?

If you give a lawyer a ticket

Florida's last legal recourse is to shame morons into turning their car stereos down by having Ice Cube pull up next to them.
Florida’s last legal recourse is to shame morons into turning their car stereos down by having Ice Cube pull up next to them.

It’s not every day that you encounter the perfect storm of douche.

Clearwater lawyer, Richard Catalano, struck a freedom blow for obnoxious douchebags in his home state of Florida on Thursday. He took his $73 ticket for blasting Justin Timberlake songs in his car at a volume that police say could be heard more than 25 feet away all the way to the Florida Supreme Court and, unfortunately for everyone on his commute, won.

Just in case his obnoxiousness was in question, Catalano argued (correctly) that his right to loudly share his terrible music with everyone is within his First Amendment rights. So, be sure to thank Catalano with your First Amendment rights and tell him to turn his sh%&ty music down.

So, let’s go to the scoreboard: Florida (1), lawyer (2), loud car stereo (3), that is blasting Justin Timberlake (4),  challenges $73 ticket in the state’s highest court (5), arguing that said ticket violates the First Amendment (6) and being annoyingly right (7)? We are officially at DoucheCon 1 … or 5 … whichever means we want to die.

Murder most immoral

Rest assured, America: when it comes to murder, Justice Antonin Scalia is opposed to it on moral grounds.

Speaking at a Princeton seminar on Monday, U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia argued that every state should have the right to make laws against behavior that its electorate deems immoral — like homosexuality. And to make his point, he made a very close, relevant comparison: murder.

Now, some of you out there might find that comparison appalling, but when you really think about it, how different is homosexuality from homicide? Same first three letters, for one. Also, one is a non-consensual act of physical intimacy between a man and the person he’s murdering, while the other one is icky in a buttsex sort of way.

So, aren’t we glad that Proposition 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act are on the high court’s 2013 docket?

A plan that can only secede

The whitehouse.gov petition site, “We the People” has received 22 petitions from citizens, each asking for their state’s permission to “peacefully … withdraw from the United States of America and create its own new government.” The site’s rules state that petitions receiving 25,000 signatures will be addressed by President Obama’s administration.

Louisiana resident “Michael E.” was the first to submit a petition the day after the 2012 election. The petition has received 16,000 signatures since. Meanwhile, Texas already has 26,000 signatures. In case you’re wondering, why, yes, most of the nuts submitting these polite requests to the “dictator-in-chief” are from former Confederate states.

So far, no governor or representative of a state government from these 22 states has endorsed the petitions, mostly because they’re busy lobbying for federal money for bridges, police departments and defense contracts.

This Bud isn’t for you, Denzel

Anheuser-Busch and Stolichnaya vodka distributor, William Grant & Sons, have objected to their labels appearing in the new Denzel Washington flick, Flight. Washington plays a high functioning alcoholic — or one of The Guys — who drinks throughout the film, including behind the wheel and while flying as an airline pilot.

“We would never condone the misuse of our products, and have a long history of promoting responsible drinking and preventing drunk driving,” Rob McCarthy, vice president of Budweiser, wrote in a statement to distance his company from the film.

Responsible uses of Budweiser, according to sanctioned uses of their label in commercials, include: building a house out of Bud Light cans, animal husbandry and horse cart driving, picking up chicks in darkened bars, sports superstition, and drinking it for the sake of it being (in their words) “drinkable.”

As for Stoli, nothing good ever comes from drinking that. Nothing you’d tell your parents about, anyway.

But, still: good looking out for your brands’ reputations, morons. After all, bad things only happen to drunk drivers.

Not so intelligently designed legal defense

A judge has ruled that David Coppedge was not dismissed from his job with NASA because of his belief in intelligent design, ruling that this was only one example of his scientific incompetence.

Coppedge had worked as a computer specialist for the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory until 2011, when — according to JPL — he was let go for refusing to undergo training after it was announced that his project, the Cassini mission to explore Saturn, would be downsized. He was also reportedly the subject of workplace complaints for his unerring dedication to shoving his intelligent design beliefs and videos onto his coworkers.

In a stroke of the irony NASA is famous for, Coppedge is to be replaced with a new employee that was designed (whether by an intelligent creator or natural selection) to act like less of a douche in the lab.

LIVESOMEONEELSE

In the wake of allegations by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency, Lance Armstrong has stepped down from chairing his line of cheap men’s accessories, Livestrong. Minutes later, Nike announced that they will no longer use him as a spokesman (ha!).

The non-profit, non-governmental USADA put out a report last week accusing Armstrong and his Tour de France teams of using performance enhancing drugs to win the race seven consecutive times from 1999 to 2005. Since then, Armstrong has been on the ropes, debating whether he will submit to a polygraph.

Armstrong said he looks forward to spending more time at home with his testicle … provided that he hasn’t given it cancer, too, with all those  alleged hormone treatments he didn’t take.