As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.
So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.
In the heat of an argumenta domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.
Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.
All in all, having a penis is pretty great. It makes it easy to pee anywhere, gives us something to play with when our phone battery dies and guarantees our voices will be heard in any meeting or election.
But, privilege acknowledged, nobody considers the relatively few, but none-the-less devastating challenges of having a penis, the hurdles it can prevent us from clearing. And, in Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita’s case, we mean literal hurdles.
Ogita was knocked out of the first round of the Olympics pole vault competition in Rio when he nearly cleared a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet). Though his leg and shin made contact with the bar, it remained in place. No, it was his penis that pulled it — and his Olympic dreams — back to earth.
The warning explains the hazards of illegally tapping fire hydrants in great detail, including:
Using up water that’s meant for putting out fires.
The high pressure of water pushing drunk assh*les into traffic.
Destroying the water utilities — potentially cutting water off to entire neighborhoods.
But, while the city government is — direct quote — “not screwing around, Philly,” they failed to address that people are swimming in garbage receptacles. Basically, Philadelphia is acknowledging that, OK, their fellow citizens are garbage who swim in filth, but that garbage needs to stop risking the water supply or using up parking spaces.
While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.
What’s even more bizarre is that this isn’t even the first time Robbins sent people to the hospital after walking across his coals. At least 21 out of a crowd of 6,000 went to the hospital after burning their feet at a similar event in California in 2012.
At this point, we have to wonder if walking across hot coals even works for self-esteem. Sure, you get to brag that you went to the hospital for conquering humanity’s lifelong fear of the floor turning into lava, but that’s easily solved with couches and pillows. And if walking across hot coals is supposed to be a big deal, then shouldn’t they be harmful?
We’re gonna say it: those 30 to 40 people didn’t believe in Tony Robbins enough.
So, now the North Korean government decided to launch an anti-smoking campaign — because, holy crap, do people smoke a lot there — the last thing it needs is for the face of its regime to be photographed with a Camel hanging out of his yap. And, of course, that’s what happened.
We’re pretty sure Best Korea’s anti-smoking campaign will go about as well as an anti-polo shirt campaign at a frat house — after all, people who live in repressive regimes could use a cigarette if they can’t get a meal. But, they’ve definitely made smoking uncool for the rest of the world.
The early 1950s were an odd time for America. Behind every poodle skirt and duck butt haircut was someone grappling with integration, becoming the world’s police in Korea and how many times and places we can mention god on money and buildings.
The decisions we made on those very topics shaped the world we live in today. We’re still policing the world; we’ve integrated some places in society (prisons) better than others (ivy league schools); and god is in everyone’s pocket, but it’s still apparently never enough for the very religious. Also, we now have to figure out what to do with Confederate-themed stained glass windows in the National Cathedral.
Yes, while coming to terms with the idea that maybe black people don’t make water fountains taste funny, a lot of white people thought it was very important that we don’t forget about the Confederacy. And so, starting in the ’50s and continuing through today, we put up a lot of equal time monuments to people who fought for slavery on public land. Including a bunch of cheesy stained glass windows commemorating the life and times of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson in a place dedicated to our nation coming together to pray.
For now, the windows will stay, because you can’t remove a Confederate monument from a church without risking a cross-burning. But, the Confederate flags in the windows will be removed.
You know, because it’s important that future worshipers learn the stations of Bobby Lee’s life as opposed to that of someone who preached loving your enemies and maybe not treating anyone less because of what they look like or where they’re from.
You may have heard that the security lines at airports have shot through the roof recently. You may have also heard that this is the result of a lack of TSA agents to screen passengers in a timely manner. We’re proud to report that the federal government is finally going to fix that problem.
Just kidding, they’re hiring clowns! Airports across the country are hiring clowns and some other entertainers to keep the detainees people in line in a good mood. Because there isn’t a bad situation that can’t be made worse by clowns.
Other airports are offering comfort animals and free candy. Sorry people with allergies.
With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.
And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.