A life sentence? Or ten to 25 years?

Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs, 25 years in prison to escape your wife only seems awesome in theory.
Much like 50 hard-boiled eggs and on-demand shower sodomy, 25 years in prison to escape your marriage only seems awesome in theory.

As a generation who grew up with divorce — and, before that, cholera — marriage doesn’t seem like a lifetime vow. Well, until you’re making that vow, then it becomes Too Real and even a little overwhelming.

So, if you can’t afford an attorney to negotiate your way out, you could always rob a bank and represent yourself. That should get you at least ten to 25 years … unless you’re Larry Ripple and even the Feds refuse to give you a little peace and quiet.

In the heat of an argument a domestic dispute with his wife, Ripple wrote out a bank robbery note, informed her he’d rather go to prison than spend another minute with her, drove to the bank and handed it to a teller. After receiving $2,924, he sat down in the lobby, chatted with the guard and waited for the FBI — which (fun fact) responds to all bank robberies — to arrest him.

Unfortunately, he only got five blissful days in jail before the U.S. Magistrate released him back into his wife’s custody. Of course, in a just world, his wife would’ve already remarried by then.

Dong-gonnit! Another career ruined by penis

Japan needs to reconsider vetting its Olympic team by game show.
Japan needs to reconsider vetting its Olympic team by game show.

All in all, having a penis is pretty great. It makes it easy to pee anywhere, gives us something to play with when our phone battery dies and guarantees our voices will be heard in any meeting or election.

But, privilege acknowledged, nobody considers the relatively few, but none-the-less devastating challenges of having a penis, the hurdles it can prevent us from clearing. And, in Japanese pole vaulter Hiroki Ogita’s case, we mean literal hurdles.

Ogita was knocked out of the first round of the Olympics pole vault competition in Rio when he nearly cleared a height of 5.3 meters (17.3 feet). Though his leg and shin made contact with the bar, it remained in place. No, it was his penis that pulled it — and his Olympic dreams — back to earth.

Pow! Right in the penis

Is there no career a penis can’t end? (We’re still holding out for Donald Trump’s orange dork — complete with oversized merkin — to definitively derail his train-wreck campaign.)


Dumpster fire city cools off in dumpster pools

We’ve all seen It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and encountered Philly sports fans, but we always assumed that those are just over-dramatic representations of an otherwise normal city, right? We thought so, too, until the mayor’s office issued a notice for its citizens to stop swimming in dumpsters.

Filthy-delphians, cooling off in the classiest way they know.
Filthy-delphians, cooling off in the classiest way they know.

The warning explains the hazards of illegally tapping fire hydrants in great detail, including:

  1. Using up water that’s meant for putting out fires.
  2. The high pressure of water pushing drunk assh*les into traffic.
  3. Destroying the water utilities — potentially cutting water off to entire neighborhoods.

But, while the city government is — direct quote — “not screwing around, Philly,” they failed to address that people are swimming in garbage receptacles. Basically, Philadelphia is acknowledging that, OK, their fellow citizens are garbage who swim in filth, but that garbage needs to stop risking the water supply or using up parking spaces.

Literally the least any restaurant can do

"Mmmmm, cereal! I'm so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store."
“Mmmmm, cereal! I’m so glad we decided to from the chutes here instead of at the Lego store.”

If there’s one way to tell someone is just barely capable of taking care of themselves as an adult, it’s whether they consider cereal an actual meal all to itself. Well, Kellogg’s is no adult, then.

The company that dares to call everything from Corn Flakes to Cocoa Krispies “part of a complete breakfast” is opening a restaurant on Times Square in New York City. As Starbucks does with coffee, Kellogg’s will sell single bowls of cereal for twice the cost of an entire 24-ounce box of Rice Krispies — with a couple of hipster chefs adding kale or some other bullsh*t to justify not opening and pouring your own breakfast like a sort-of adult.

While we anticipate that hotels on Times Square will frown on direct competition with their own pathetic “continental breakfast” options, at least there will be a close-by resource of absorbent milk litter to pour over and soak up Guy Fieri-induced vomiting and diarrhea before it enters Manhattan’s water supply.

Conquering their fear of the burn ward

There's more spiritual fulfillment -- and less foot burning -- if you follow the life advice of John Madden.
There’s more spiritual fulfillment — and less foot burning — if you follow the life advice of John Madden.

For some reason, Tony Robbins is still a thing, even after he tried to convince us that Jack Black is somehow a catch in Shallow Hal. And yet he still convinced people to walk across burning coals at the Kay Bailey Hutchison Convention Center in downtown Dallas, Texas. Of those gullible people who went to Robbins for help, 30 to 40 needed real help from real helpers afterwards to treat burns to their feet.

What’s even more bizarre is that this isn’t even the first time Robbins sent people to the hospital after walking across his coals. At least 21 out of a crowd of 6,000 went to the hospital after burning their feet at a similar event in California in 2012.

At this point, we have to wonder if walking across hot coals even works for self-esteem. Sure, you get to brag that you went to the hospital for conquering humanity’s lifelong fear of the floor turning into lava, but that’s easily solved with couches and pillows. And if walking across hot coals is supposed to be a big deal, then shouldn’t they be harmful?

We’re gonna say it: those 30 to 40 people didn’t believe in Tony Robbins enough.

Best Korea releases best anti-smoking ad

This is why the Harry Potter stories weren't originally supposed to follow Harry into adulthood.
This is why the Harry Potter stories weren’t originally supposed to follow Harry into adulthood.

It’s fun watching a totalitarian regime that depends on controlling information in an unprecedented age of information sharing. Recently, we saw North Korea accidentally release an undoctored photo of dictator, Kim Jong Un. Like a soapy dog out of a bathtub, once it got out, there was no pulling it back in.

So, now the North Korean government decided to launch an anti-smoking campaign — because, holy crap, do people smoke a lot there — the last thing it needs is for the face of its regime to be photographed with a Camel hanging out of his yap. And, of course, that’s what happened.

We’re pretty sure Best Korea’s anti-smoking campaign will go about as well as an anti-polo shirt campaign at a frat house — after all, people who live in repressive regimes could use a cigarette if they can’t get a meal. But, they’ve definitely made smoking uncool for the rest of the world.

In Stonewall Jackson we trust?

How is it that the 1950s added "God" to the pledge, money and any other government surface, but somehow removed Jesus from stained glass windows in the National Cathedral?
How is it that the 1950s added “God” to the pledge, money and any other government surface, but somehow removed Jesus from stained glass windows in the National Cathedral?

The early 1950s were an odd time for America. Behind every poodle skirt and duck butt haircut was someone grappling with integration, becoming the world’s police in Korea and how many times and places we can mention god on money and buildings.

The decisions we made on those very topics shaped the world we live in today. We’re still policing the world; we’ve integrated some places in society (prisons) better than others (ivy league schools); and god is in everyone’s pocket, but it’s still apparently never enough for the very religious. Also, we now have to figure out what to do with Confederate-themed stained glass windows in the National Cathedral.

Yes, while coming to terms with the idea that maybe black people don’t make water fountains taste funny, a lot of white people thought it was very important that we don’t forget about the Confederacy. And so, starting in the ’50s and continuing through today, we put up a lot of equal time monuments to people who fought for slavery on public land. Including a bunch of cheesy stained glass windows commemorating the life and times of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson in a place dedicated to our nation coming together to pray.

For now, the windows will stay, because you can’t remove a Confederate monument from a church without risking a cross-burning. But, the Confederate flags in the windows will be removed.

You know, because it’s important that future worshipers learn the stations of Bobby Lee’s life as opposed to that of someone who preached loving your enemies and maybe not treating anyone less because of what they look like or where they’re from.

NFL cares more about Tom Brady than concussions

Next up: Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.
Next up: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.

According to a newly released congressional report, the National Football League attempted to coerce the National Institute of Health to shape the results of their study on brain injuries. They donated $16 million to fund nearly the entire study and then withdrew their funding when the NIH refused to switch grant recipients or appoint the NFL’s own, non-NIH-affiliated health officials to oversee the study.

So, while $16 million is just too costly for the NFL to study concussions (even with the donated brains of former players who intentionally shot themselves in the chest for the research), it has no problem spending $12.5 million to take Tom Brady to the U.S. f*cking Supreme Court if it needs to over air pressure in footballs.

Your airport security nightmare — now with clowns

You may have heard that the security lines at airports have shot through the roof recently. You may have also heard that this is the result of a lack of TSA agents to screen passengers in a timely manner. We’re proud to report that the federal government is finally going to fix that problem.

Just kidding, they’re hiring clowns! Airports across the country are hiring clowns and some other entertainers to keep the detainees people in line in a good mood. Because there isn’t a bad situation that can’t be made worse by clowns.

Other airports are offering comfort animals and free candy. Sorry people with allergies.

Taco Bell aims to be No. 1 supplier of Mexican-flavored food poisoning again

White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell.
White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell. Have you seen your Doritos- dusted sharts?

With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.

And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.