Category: Facepalm

Oh, Canada / Who knew that you are governed?

In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?

And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.

Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”

Santorum reminds swing voters he’s Republican

Former Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum delivered a speech at the Values Voters Summit in Washington, DC on Saturday. He made sure to remind potential swing voters that, despite the Gov. Romney’s economics-only campaign, Rick Santorum is also one of the faces of the Republican party, and without his pet issues, there is no conservative movement.

And just in case some of you “economic conservatives and libertarian types” disagree, Santorum called you out specifically. Like that girl you forgot to call back, he wanted you to remember that it took Bible-thumping, praying-the-gay-away conservatives like Santorum to deliver the 2000, 2004 and 2010 elections to Republicans.

Santorum promised he will continue to do as much as he can to make sure the GOP remains the party that “will never have the elite, smart people on our side,” by dancing loudly and furiously in the limelight.

Also appearing was Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, who reminded the country that the most important imaginary issues are still

“calling a Christmas tree a Christmas tree. [Also:] not being afraid to salute the flag, wear a flag pin, say the Pledge of Allegiance, and sing the National Anthem, unashamed, with a tear in our eye.”

You can blame the media, which Santorum did, but the The New York Times didn’t elect these guys to office.

South Africa: Kind of dicks with their elephants

A zoo in Germany has successfully inseminated an elephant with frozen sperm, providing a means to keep biodiversity up in enclosed, protective environments. It’s essential because both African and Asian elephants are endangered due to poaching and destruction of their habitats. If only there was some place with an abundance of elephants so that zookeepers wouldn’t have to go to this trouble. If only …

Oh, and South Africa has started giving their elephants birth control because they have too many of them. The biggest problem is that they keep their elephants fenced in preserves, so they can’t relieve their numbers through normal means like, oh, we don’t know, migrating?

“‘Because we have taken away opportunities, they don’t have the chance to remedy the overpopulation naturally as they would through migration,’ said Audrey Delsink Kettles, an elephant ecologist who has been leading studies for years on contraception at Makalali Private Game Reserve” rather than put two and two together by reading two articles in the same damn newspaper today.

Look, scientists. The Guys aren’t trying to tell you how to do your jobs, but maybe it’s time to stop taking your cues from a cartoon coyote? He probably doesn’t have the elephants’ best interests at heart, and what’s he gonna do with them once he catches them?

President destroys small business by supporting one

For all the talk this year about whether or not President Barack Obama supports small business owners, apparently there’s no satisfying those small business owners with actual patronage.

Mike Cunningham II owns one of the oldest beer tents you’ve never heard of at the Iowa State Fair … that is until President Obama stopped by, had a couple of beers, and was criticized for costing what Cunningham estimated as $25,000 in beer sales because his Secret Service detail effectively shut the Bud Tent down during his visit.

Folks, you can’t waste that piss away that kind of publicity. (Unless that publicity is, of course, an ice cold Bud Light.)

But, while the beer may not have been flowing as well as Cunningham would have liked, at least one person managed to get drunk, judging by Sen. Chuck Grassley’s tweeting:

“How does PresO justify havin secret service shut down the bud tent @ the state fair nd the owner told me he loses 50,000 n 1 nite.”

Very bad badminton, indeed

The world of badminton is caught up in an Olympic scandal: players intentionally tanking games for easier playoff matches. Eight women in all have been disqualified from the 2012 London Games after very obviously underplaying, including teams from China, South Korea and Indonesia.

The scandal reached a head when both teams in a match were actively trying to lose, with the South Koreans and Chinese each hoping to outlast the other with net serve after net serve and wide returning shots. The longest volley of the entire match — which can last up to three games — was four volleys. China eventually lost the first two matches, so that means they won?

The takeaway from this story, we guess, is that even lady athletes can act like a bag of shuttlecocks.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this story to our attention!]

How to be a bigot at home

With all of your friends picketing Chick-fil-A, it’s hard to take a bite out of gay marriage without broadcasting your bigotry. What’s a closeted homophobe to do? Thank goodness for Fox News, because now you can make America’s favorite godfearing chicken sandwich in the safety of your home.

Well, you can make your own Chick-fil-A … so long as you happen to have a canister of MSG lying around your kitchen:

“After a little of this and less of that, Serious Eats found the perfect combination that gets it close to that sweet-salty-savory-hot balance [of spices]: Salt, sugar, MSG, black pepper, cayenne, and paprika.”

And now we know why Mike Huckabee loves this s%@t so much.

Discovery Channel still has it

 

The Discovery Channel switched over from educational programming to reality shows (except for that one week when they air every shark show ever made) years ago. But, they like to test the audience to see if they still have their old credibility every so often by airing their equivalent of Fox’s Alien Autopsy.

Viewers were taken in once again by Discovery’s “what if?” documentary, Mermaids: The Body Found despite it not being about ghost hunting, crab fishing or pumpkin chunkin’. Despite this repeated success, executives are worried about being called the Network Who Cried Mermaid and have greenlit several new test specials, including:

  • How It’s Made: Crack Coccaine, AIDS and Other Government Inventions
  • Lobstermen: They’re Actually Half-Lobster, Half-Man
  • Gullible: It’s Written On Your Ceiling (No, Really. Look!)

What do Jenny McCarthy and the Taliban have in common?

You know when you think you have a great idea because nobody’s doing it, and you find out it’s because the Nazis did it, giving you that oogie feeling Indiana Jones got after discovering his girlfriend was a Nazi and banging his dad? Anti-vaccine people, get ready to feel oogie: the Taliban has banned polio vaccines.

In a choice between airstrikes and polio, Taliban militants in North and South Waziristan, Pakistan, have chosen polio. They will prevent health workers and volunteers from immunizing an estimated 280,000 children until the U.S. halts drone airstrikes in the region. So, it’s not because they believe that vaccines cause illness, which is surprisingly scientific for a group of backwards religious fanatics.

But, let’s not get congratulatory here. As Taliban commander, Hafiz Gul Bahadur says, the drone strikes “are worse than polio,” which is a pretty bold statement from a guy who can probably walk. Still, we’re sure this decision won’t hurt their future recruiting at all, so long as they’re comfortable with the next generation Rascal scooter bombing infidels.

Jewish parents? How did he Nazi that coming?

You know how, whenever somebody comes out against gay rights, it’s only a matter of time before they’re caught with a rent boy? Europe has a similar problem.

Csanad Szegedi, the regional leader of Hungary’s anti-semitic, far-right Jobbik party, had to hold a very serious interview, in which he confessed to having parents of Jewish origin. (What Szegedi meant to say is that he has Jewish origins because that’s how parentage f–king works.) He concluded his statement with this heartwarming sentiment:

“Knowing who is a pure-race Hungarian is not what counts. The important thing is the way one behaves as a Hungarian. [You know, because I’m Jewish now.]”

Ironically, it is because of far-right leaders like Szededi that Jewish Hungarians like his family hid their Jewish origins. But, let’s not end on such a downer. Instead, let’s learn how to dismiss a sheepish Nazi with class. Dr. Richard Prasquier, president of CRIF, the umbrella group of France’s Jewish community, the podium is yours:

“We can but offer our sympathies in light of the terrible discovery. In different circumstances, the appropriate solution would be hara-kiri. Having not chosen this option, the unfortunate Szegedi is forced to embark on philosophical pursuits superior to his intellectual capacity.”

If only there were a way to quickly convey a message on transportation …

The Arizona Department of Transportation has a problem: a population that lacks haboob awareness. They want to encourage drivers to pull over and let the infamous dust storms (What did you think a haboob is?) pass.

Fortunately, Arizona knows the secret to learning and retaining new facts: haikus. You know, like when you had to remember the order of the planets and your teacher taught you the Planet Order Haiku?

Mercury, Venus,
Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn,
Neptune and Pluto.

See? Way easier to remember than the individual names of the planets and their position in the solar system.