Category: From the SeriouslyGuys Vault

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From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 7, 1964

The Guys were caught unawares with the rest of the nation when, in 1964, America was invaded by the British for the first time since 1816. Unlike the Fifth Columnists shrieking at The Ed Sullivan Show a few nights later, we were swept with another form of Beatlemania: sheer dread and war fever.

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From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: December 17, 1800

Beethoven’s Surprife Thirtieth Birthday Mysteriously Spoil’t
Pofted on the 17th day of December, 1800 A.D.
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Despite the most delibarating of Plans for his 30th Birthday yesterday, Herr Beethoven was nut surprifed.Despite the most delibarating of Plans for his 30th Birthday yesterday, this Publickation was caught off-guard to lern that Master Ludwig von Beethoven was not as well.

Revelers and other Friends of the controversual Composer gathered in his Home, extinguifhed all Candles and lay’d in wait of Herr Beethoven. When he returned to his Estait, they shouted in togethernesse, ‘Happy birthday, Ludwig!’

The Master of the House did not, however, turn from replacing his Caine to the Hall Closet. He did walk to the Setting Room and sat at his Piano. He then shouted to his Guests.

‘So you have attempted to surprise Herr Ludwig, no?’

In the most aukward of Sentimentalities, the Friends and Family did present their Cake and fond Birthday wishes, and then begged thair Leeve.

Local const’bulary inquire who told Herr Beethoven of the surprise Partie, but no Leedes have serfased to date. This Publickation also attempted to gain his Attention on the street, but our calls were unheeded.

Written by Gustaf von Pinderschmidt

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From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 3, 1863

Friday, July 3, 1863

Divided nation calls for an address

Stop. SeriouslyGuys, your source for news by way of the new “telegraph machine,” has just learned that Union forces have defeated General Robert E. Lee at the agricultural hub that is known as Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Stop.

No longer will Johnny Reb feast on the fat of northern land. Lee obviously wanted to show that his forces were not just whistling “Dixie.” If only that phrase would catch on.

This telegraph news service thinks it is time for our beloved president, whom we believe is the best our nation has had since Millard Fillmore, to give us some kind of a speech at the now-hallowed ground. Perhaps it could start off with some flashy way of saying how many years our proud country has existed.

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From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 21, 1848

Monday, February 21, 1848

Karl Marx: ladies man

London, UK: Karl Marx, 30, is the most eligible bachelor in London this season! The young bachelor has just published The Communist Manifesto, which we haven’t read yet but presume to be a gripping mystery/thriller like the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Marx was born in Prussia in 1818, but left to help lead a revolution against the French. Anyone who helps maim French people can’t be bad, right ladies?

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From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 14, 1779

On Sundaye, the 14′th Daye of February, 1779

Cook gets Goose cook’d

Captain James Cook, bolde Explorer of th’ British Navie, was kill’d by Natifes of the Sandwich Islands. Th’ Hawaiianes, as th’ Savages call thimselves, were convinced that Cook and Co. were Gods.

Th’ Jig, as they saye, was up when one of Cook’s Creue had the Indecencie to die, prov’ng to th’ Savages that they were, in facte, Mortals.

Our modest Moral: when one decides to play a God, one must be sure to aske Him first.

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From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: February 7, 1971

Sunday, February 7, 1971

Worst named military operation over

Yes, the military has ended Operation Dewey Canyon II: the second thrust into the fertile crevices of Laos after the first insertion ended in a failed climax.

The soldiers will presumably dry off, take a cold shower and do some push-ups after another embarassing letdown by the South Vietnamese. The US soldiers were, of course, not allowed in the action, so they are probably feeling pent up.

However, they may not have to wait for long. An unidentified source in the Pentagon has disclosed a potential Operation Drippy Cock.

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From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: January 24, 1935

SG Historian Note: This may have been the first instance of Booze News, but we’ll keep searching the Vault.

Thursday, January 24, 1935

Yes we can

Just two years after the end of Prohibition, beermakers have innovated our drinking habits with canned beer.

Breweries have perfected a technique of coating the inside of cans so that the beer does not taste like tin.

This rlog (radio log) can’t wait to drink away the rest of this Depression. Anyone got a can opener?

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