Back in 1994, The Guys learned an important lesson about power and how to use it. More importantly, we learned how to use power for actual benefits.
This was also one of our many interviews with an American president, but also the only one which was paid for with a copy of Jugs.
Wednesday, January 10, 1923
Nice Germans ready for their own country
President Warren G. Harding has ordered all remaining American soldiers in Germany home.
The president justified the order, citing increasing resentment from German civilians of the occupation force.
In a man-on-the-street interview, we spoke with a dapper young man: Adolf Hitler.
“The United States can go home,” said Herr Hitler, a really nice guy with a swell little mustache. “We’re not planning anything, and certainly not a massive government overthrow, military buildup or extermination of our Jews. Where would you get those ideas?”
We responded: “What are you talking about?”
“I hear nothing,” Hitler said.
On this Thursday, the third Daye of Januarie, in the one-thousandth five hundr’d twenty-furst Yeare of our Lord
Pope cares not for smell of Luther’s thesies 
Pope Leo the Tenth excommunicated th’ Heratick Martin Luther t’day for say’ng mean, hertful Things ’bout th’ Holy Church in His nin’ty-five thesies.
“I, Pope Leo the Tenth, hearbye banesh one Martin Luther for being an insolunt Bugger and hope he burns in Hell on th’ morrow, or ashuredly by next week Thursday,” the Pope sayed.
Luther could not be reech’d for comment, His Assistunt saying He was “endesposed.”
It has come to this blog’s attention that many of you dear, misinformed readers believe we’ve been at the news game for 5 months. In truth, we have always been THE source for the inane, bizzare, and typographically-erroneous since the early days of papyrus and clay tablets. Heck, we’re tougher and farther-reaching than Opus Dei, the Knights Templar, and Red Cross combined.
To remedy this grievous misconception, we present a new feature: From the SeriouslyGuys Vault.
Saterday, July 17, 1790
Mercantilifm Enventor cashed out
Adam Smythe, who changed Wyrlde Economicks with His Booke, The Welthe of Nations, dyed. His Remaines were shipped to England for finale procefing.
Sunday, July 17, 1938
Headline of the Day (and maybe Century)
Aviation nincompoop Douglas “Wrong Way” Corrigan missed California by almost 6,000 miles!
Thursday, July 17, 1952
Attention Germans
We decoded this message on our original 1890 Ouija board:
“Deutchlund, rejoice! The Beachjogger is born, who shall arrive in spoken chariot to redeem your culture from the dark days of world war and division.”
Paula Jones accused President Bill Clinton of sexual harrassment and defamation of character. The former Arkansas state clerk is suing for $700,000.
We briefly spoke with President Clinton:
SG: Mr. President, did you have sex with Ms. Jones?
BC: No. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
SG: Whew–we believe you. Man, was she a dog.
BC: I don’t know, she kinda reminded me of Fran Drescher.
SG: Does Ms. Jones sound like her?
This tlog (TV log) is fairly sure that even if President Clinton nailed Paula Jones, he’s learned his lesson and will never abuse his power again … or at least use it to abuse something that’s housebroken.
McDonald’s has struck a deathblow for capitalism in the very heart of Soviet Russia, much more a deathblow than Rocky Balboa’s defeat of Captain Ivan Drago.
The fastfood chain opened its first franchise in Moscow. Inexplicably, the Soviet proles are lining up and spending an alleged “several days’ wages for Big Macs, shakes, and french fries.” This tlog guesses that Quarter Pounders are somewhat tastier than gruel and hardened bread. (Guess what the special sauce is there.)
The Guys predict the USSR will be done for in one year. Remember, you read it here first.
If you haven’t tried crack in DC yet because you’re afraid it might be bad for you, Mayor Marion Barry has demonstrated that it’s safe.
Barry took one for the team with his arrest today after he was caught smoking crack with Rasheeda Moore. Ms. Moore allegedly set Barry up in exchange for leniency in her own crack-related criminal charges.
Quote of the Day:
“The bitch set me up! The bitch set me up!”
