Truly a Christmas miracle

Fun fact: Santa Claus is not Sylvester Stallone.

Do not let Rick Snee lie to you. Despite his claims and false joyful appearance as of late, facial hair can do nothing but lead to death.

In an event that will eventually be recorded as a stop-motion animated Rankin-Bass movie titled “The Year Santa Claus Nearly Died In a Mall In Front of a Bunch of Kids,” we learned that Kris Kringle is not an extreme sports rock climber. One of his many agents isn’t either, getting his beard stuck in rappelling equipment while entering a mall from its glass ceiling. The beardo eventually made his way down to the ground, but not in a speedy fashion.

Hey, Papá Noel: The next time you want to surprise a bunch of kids at a mall, try using the front door, okay?

He should’ve ordered a chalupa

Hey, travelers, if you’re going to be out of town, make sure you have the proper form of identification, not identi-food-cation.

*Fun Fact:
Most places in the United States of America require two forms of state-issued government identification. Examples are a Driver’s License, a Learner’s Permit, a Picture ID or a chalupa. Ranch chalupas, however, are not acceptable.

And yet plastic bags have suffocation warnings

The Guys have been warning our wives and girlfriends for years, but apparently some people have to die from water balls before they’ll heed our warnings.

But seriously, water balls are inflated plastic balls that people are zipped into to walk across water the way Jesus did: hamster-style. The air you breathe is the same air used to maintain the integrity of the sphere, which should last for an hour … unless you’re dangerously out of shape, so nobody in America should have a problem with this.

Wikileaks finally becomes useful

Fun fact: if you don’t assume every industrialized nation has a spy agency, then you’re a bit naïve.

The Sydney Morning Herald is reporting a Wikileaks revelation that Japan is indeed using an intelligence agency to spy and keep an eye on North Korea and China.

Apparently the intelligence agency has been in effect since 2008, moving slowly forward for fear of political repercussions. Also, because of the whole spy thing. According to the Japanese embassy, progress has also been slow because of a lack of “knowledge, experience, and assets/officers.” Again, also because of the whole spy thing. The agency is being modeled on the American CIA, the Australian Secret Intelligence, and Britain’s MI6. And once more, again, because of the whole spy thing.

One of the primary concerns for Japan was their lack of intelligence regarding the actions of Kim Jong-Il, and rightfully so. Between militaristic threats from the country and suspicious missile testing, Japan is justified in their worry.

What Wikileaks hasn’t revealed yet is just what the weapon cache that the spy ninjas are using. Because their spies are TOTALLY ninjas.

Holy leaked memos, Putin!

The last WikiLeaks revelation of U.S. State Department secret documents have hit most world leaders in one way or another. But one leader’s response to our foreign relations mean girl tactics is much funnier than the others.

Vladimir Putin has objected to a U.S. cable that described him as the “alpha dog,” the Batman to Totally Russian President Dimitri Medvedev’s Robin.

Putin condemned the comparison as “slanderous,” adding, “I only asked him to dress that way once. It was my birthday.”

Fun Fact: Expected results are expected

Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 59 percent of us will check our work email over the break.

If that wasn’t bad enough, of those who will be in to eat turducken “in just a minute,” 41 percent will report to be annoyed to have actually found work-related email in their inbox.

People, there are better and less sad ways to avoid your family than pretending to work–only to receive actual work to do. There’s always:

  • Food comas.
  • Bringing a fake “life partner” to dinner.
  • Injuring and then taking someone to the emergency room after the family football game.

Give a crap: it’s World Toilet Day

Ever since Nov. 19, 2001, the World Health Organization has celebrated World Toilet Day, which is shocking to The Guys. If there were four people on Earth that this holiday was clearly designed for, it’s us. And yet, we just learned about it today.

It’s not too late to lend a wiping hand, though (if you live in Mountain or Pacific time zones)! You can squat at noon to understand what it’s like for the billions of people who don’t have a potty to sit on.

Just think: over one-third of our planet’s population has never gotten Bryan School’s phone number or seen a swastika carved angrily into a stall. And God knows where they cruise for gay politicians.

In hindsight …

Whether it’s for your body, your car or just something that could benefit you in general, we at SG believe in preventative maintenance. Exercise a little, eat a banana or some greens minus the bacon, check on your tires, save a few dollars here and there, you know? By doing the little stuff, the early checks and balances of your day to day activities, you can make your future that much easier.

Which is why we’d like to advocate to South Korea that the actions of whoever it is in that country that gives out licenses to drive may not be doing the preventative maintenance that it should be doing. Like giving a license to drive to a senior citizen that’s failed the driving exam 960 times.

He said that Mrs Cha would not be a danger, since it was on the written part of the test, rather than the practical side, that she had failed so many times.

Yeah, we’re gonna go ahead and say that phrase may come back to bite Su-yeon in the butt.

Fun Fact: Preventative maintenance never killed anyone.

Fact finding Friday

Hey everyone, we’ve got some special news for you on this end of the week day!

Fun Fact: You can lie about having a Medal of Honor.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that lying about having a unique award is not a criminal act.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that it’s okay to be a douchebag.

Isn’t the world of law fun?