Guys get vasectomies during March Madness so wives leave them alone

It’s March Mental Illness Awareness Month, and that means college basketball and illegal gambling on it. We hope your bracket is still intact, and your manhood is recovering nicely.

Apparently some urologists report seeing a big increase in vasectomies this time of year, and they believe it’s because of March Madness. The doctors say many men schedule their vasectomies now so they can sit around watching basketball and be free of harassment. This is ingenious, if it really is a nationwide trend. Not only do you get your wife to leave you alone, but you can get a few days of paid medical leave while you recover.

We made it through that whole thing without making a ball joke. Look at us.

Fun Fact: FBI wiretapping costs more than beer

"Dear Craigslist ... Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed ... Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you."
“Dear Craigslist … Wanted: somebody who knows how to circumnavigate the supreme laws of the land in bed … Could be a sixer of Schlitz in it for you … Smiley face … Winking face.”

Apparently, it costs more than a couple of cases of beer to get the FBI to go through family members’ texts. At least, that’s what a judge in North Carolina learned after being charged with attempted bribery.

According to the FBI, Superior Court Judge Arnold Ogden Jones was charged with attempted bribery after allegedly offering an agent a couple of cases — y’know, like buddies — if the agent would ignore a lack of probable cause and obtain some text messages for “just for [him].” And who hasn’t asked their neighbor or coworker for that? Violating the U.S. Constitution is just one of those things good friends do, like loan a cup of sugar without habeas corpus or quarter some troops, no questions asked.

Of course, then things got weird because the agent reportedly turned down the beer(!) and asked for $100 instead. Jones should’ve known something was up, because nobody turns down free beer. I mean, cash is nice, but you can’t drink it and, believe us, it doesn’t get you high when you smoke it.

A tale of two Marty Walshes

Fun Fact: if the two Boston Marty Walshes ever make physical contact, it will unravel the fabric of time and space (which is really a stupid thing to make existence out of).
Fun Fact: if the two Boston Marty Walshes ever make physical contact, it will unravel the fabric of time and space (which is really a stupid thing to make existence out of).

After winning the Boston mayoral election, Marty Walsh received two calls: one from the President’s calling service and the next from Vice President Joe Biden himself. The only problem was that both called the wrong Marty Walsh in Boston.

Both had called Marty Walsh, a consultant who managed Ted Kennedy’s 2006 senate reelection campaign, not Marty Walsh, the guy Boston just elected.

We guess it makes sense that the White House is the last office on Earth that still uses the White Pages.

Lamest adults in the U.S. have officially been found

It’s been a long and arduous search, but ladies and gentlemen, we did it. From the honkiest sections of Idaho to the meth-filled sections of Florida, we’ve finally pinpointed the lamest adults ever. Those that forgot their time as kids, those that pimped out their childhood, those that sold out their memories.

Welcome to Henderson, Nevada. Inside the town you’ll find people that gave pistachio nuts, precut apple slices and stickers to kids for Halloween. Not Crunch bars, not Reese’s Cups, not even Smarties. Health Food. You people are the worst.

FOX5 Fun Fact: Surprisingly, most kids eschew healthful snacks on Halloween.

SeriouslyGuys Fun Fact: Not all pictures need to be captioned with obvious information.

Life and movie pervy-ness strangely different

Who’s seen Porky’s? That’s the movie with the infamous scene involving a high school women’s locker room, a peep hole and male high schoolers peering through it (among other things). It’s a fairly icky scene when you think about it, but ultimately was handled as humorous, even when the guys were caught (SPOILERS, GAIZ!).

It’s a little different in the real world. When peeping toms get caught in real life, they tend to be arrested, not chased after by the heavy-set cafeteria lady.

Fun Fact: In Porky’s, getting caught means getting your pud pulled in a not-so-fun manner. In real life, you end up crashing through a ceiling.

Truly a Christmas miracle

Fun fact: Santa Claus is not Sylvester Stallone.

Do not let Rick Snee lie to you. Despite his claims and false joyful appearance as of late, facial hair can do nothing but lead to death.

In an event that will eventually be recorded as a stop-motion animated Rankin-Bass movie titled “The Year Santa Claus Nearly Died In a Mall In Front of a Bunch of Kids,” we learned that Kris Kringle is not an extreme sports rock climber. One of his many agents isn’t either, getting his beard stuck in rappelling equipment while entering a mall from its glass ceiling. The beardo eventually made his way down to the ground, but not in a speedy fashion.

Hey, Papá Noel: The next time you want to surprise a bunch of kids at a mall, try using the front door, okay?

He should’ve ordered a chalupa

Hey, travelers, if you’re going to be out of town, make sure you have the proper form of identification, not identi-food-cation.

*Fun Fact:
Most places in the United States of America require two forms of state-issued government identification. Examples are a Driver’s License, a Learner’s Permit, a Picture ID or a chalupa. Ranch chalupas, however, are not acceptable.

And yet plastic bags have suffocation warnings

The Guys have been warning our wives and girlfriends for years, but apparently some people have to die from water balls before they’ll heed our warnings.

But seriously, water balls are inflated plastic balls that people are zipped into to walk across water the way Jesus did: hamster-style. The air you breathe is the same air used to maintain the integrity of the sphere, which should last for an hour … unless you’re dangerously out of shape, so nobody in America should have a problem with this.

Wikileaks finally becomes useful

Fun fact: if you don’t assume every industrialized nation has a spy agency, then you’re a bit naïve.

The Sydney Morning Herald is reporting a Wikileaks revelation that Japan is indeed using an intelligence agency to spy and keep an eye on North Korea and China.

Apparently the intelligence agency has been in effect since 2008, moving slowly forward for fear of political repercussions. Also, because of the whole spy thing. According to the Japanese embassy, progress has also been slow because of a lack of “knowledge, experience, and assets/officers.” Again, also because of the whole spy thing. The agency is being modeled on the American CIA, the Australian Secret Intelligence, and Britain’s MI6. And once more, again, because of the whole spy thing.

One of the primary concerns for Japan was their lack of intelligence regarding the actions of Kim Jong-Il, and rightfully so. Between militaristic threats from the country and suspicious missile testing, Japan is justified in their worry.

What Wikileaks hasn’t revealed yet is just what the weapon cache that the spy ninjas are using. Because their spies are TOTALLY ninjas.