It’s March Mental Illness Awareness Month, and that means college basketball and illegal gambling on it. We hope your bracket is still intact, and your manhood is recovering nicely.
Apparently some urologists report seeing a big increase in vasectomies this time of year, and they believe it’s because of March Madness. The doctors say many men schedule their vasectomies now so they can sit around watching basketball and be free of harassment. This is ingenious, if it really is a nationwide trend. Not only do you get your wife to leave you alone, but you can get a few days of paid medical leave while you recover.
We made it through that whole thing without making a ball joke. Look at us.
Apparently, it costs more than a couple of cases of beer to get the FBI to go through family members’ texts. At least, that’s what a judge in North Carolina learned after being charged with attempted bribery.
According to the FBI, Superior Court Judge Arnold Ogden Jones was charged with attempted bribery after allegedly offering an agent a couple of cases — y’know, like buddies — if the agent would ignore a lack of probable cause and obtain some text messages for “just for [him].” And who hasn’t asked their neighbor or coworker for that? Violating the U.S. Constitution is just one of those things good friends do, like loan a cup of sugar without habeas corpus or quarter some troops, no questions asked.
Of course, then things got weird because the agent reportedly turned down the beer(!) and asked for $100 instead. Jones should’ve known something was up, because nobody turns down free beer. I mean, cash is nice, but you can’t drink it and, believe us, it doesn’t get you high when you smoke it.
After winning the Boston mayoral election, Marty Walsh received two calls: one from the President’s calling service and the next from Vice President Joe Biden himself. The only problem was that both called the wrong Marty Walsh in Boston.
Both had called Marty Walsh, a consultant who managed Ted Kennedy’s 2006 senate reelection campaign, not Marty Walsh, the guy Boston just elected.
We guess it makes sense that the White House is the last office on Earth that still uses the White Pages.
It’s been a long and arduous search, but ladies and gentlemen, we did it. From the honkiest sections of Idaho to the meth-filled sections of Florida, we’ve finally pinpointed the lamest adults ever. Those that forgot their time as kids, those that pimped out their childhood, those that sold out their memories.
Who’s seen Porky’s? That’s the movie with the infamous scene involving a high school women’s locker room, a peep hole and male high schoolers peering through it (among other things). It’s a fairly icky scene when you think about it, but ultimately was handled as humorous, even when the guys were caught (SPOILERS, GAIZ!).
It’s a little different in the real world. When peeping toms get caught in real life, they tend to be arrested, not chased after by the heavy-set cafeteria lady.
Hey, travelers, if you’re going to be out of town, make sure you have the proper form of identification, not identi-food-cation.
Most places in the United States of America require two forms of state-issued government identification. Examples are a Driver’s License, a Learner’s Permit, a Picture ID or a chalupa. Ranch chalupas, however, are not acceptable.
The Guys have been warning our wives and girlfriends for years, but apparently some people have to die from water balls before they’ll heed our warnings.
But seriously, water balls are inflated plastic balls that people are zipped into to walk across water the way Jesus did: hamster-style. The air you breathe is the same air used to maintain the integrity of the sphere, which should last for an hour … unless you’re dangerously out of shape, so nobody in America should have a problem with this.
Apparently the intelligence agency has been in effect since 2008, moving slowly forward for fear of political repercussions. Also, because of the whole spy thing. According to the Japanese embassy, progress has also been slow because of a lack of “knowledge, experience, and assets/officers.” Again, also because of the whole spy thing. The agency is being modeled on the American CIA, the Australian Secret Intelligence, and Britain’s MI6. And once more, again, because of the whole spy thing.
One of the primary concerns for Japan was their lack of intelligence regarding the actions of Kim Jong-Il, and rightfully so. Between militaristic threats from the country and suspicious missile testing, Japan is justified in their worry.
What Wikileaks hasn’t revealed yet is just what the weapon cache that the spy ninjas are using. Because their spies are TOTALLY ninjas.