Holy leaked memos, Putin!

The last WikiLeaks revelation of U.S. State Department secret documents have hit most world leaders in one way or another. But one leader’s response to our foreign relations mean girl tactics is much funnier than the others.

Vladimir Putin has objected to a U.S. cable that described him as the “alpha dog,” the Batman to Totally Russian President Dimitri Medvedev’s Robin.

Putin condemned the comparison as “slanderous,” adding, “I only asked him to dress that way once. It was my birthday.”

Fun Fact: Expected results are expected

Our favorite government-sanctioned four day weekend is almost upon us! Normally, this just means drinking (more) on a Wednesday. But, a new survey indicates that 59 percent of us will check our work email over the break.

If that wasn’t bad enough, of those who will be in to eat turducken “in just a minute,” 41 percent will report to be annoyed to have actually found work-related email in their inbox.

People, there are better and less sad ways to avoid your family than pretending to work–only to receive actual work to do. There’s always:

  • Food comas.
  • Bringing a fake “life partner” to dinner.
  • Injuring and then taking someone to the emergency room after the family football game.

Give a crap: it’s World Toilet Day

Ever since Nov. 19, 2001, the World Health Organization has celebrated World Toilet Day, which is shocking to The Guys. If there were four people on Earth that this holiday was clearly designed for, it’s us. And yet, we just learned about it today.

It’s not too late to lend a wiping hand, though (if you live in Mountain or Pacific time zones)! You can squat at noon to understand what it’s like for the billions of people who don’t have a potty to sit on.

Just think: over one-third of our planet’s population has never gotten Bryan School’s phone number or seen a swastika carved angrily into a stall. And God knows where they cruise for gay politicians.

In hindsight …

Whether it’s for your body, your car or just something that could benefit you in general, we at SG believe in preventative maintenance. Exercise a little, eat a banana or some greens minus the bacon, check on your tires, save a few dollars here and there, you know? By doing the little stuff, the early checks and balances of your day to day activities, you can make your future that much easier.

Which is why we’d like to advocate to South Korea that the actions of whoever it is in that country that gives out licenses to drive may not be doing the preventative maintenance that it should be doing. Like giving a license to drive to a senior citizen that’s failed the driving exam 960 times.

He said that Mrs Cha would not be a danger, since it was on the written part of the test, rather than the practical side, that she had failed so many times.

Yeah, we’re gonna go ahead and say that phrase may come back to bite Su-yeon in the butt.

Fun Fact: Preventative maintenance never killed anyone.

Fact finding Friday

Hey everyone, we’ve got some special news for you on this end of the week day!

Fun Fact: You can lie about having a Medal of Honor.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that lying about having a unique award is not a criminal act.

Fun Fact: The Ninth US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco says that it’s okay to be a douchebag.

Isn’t the world of law fun?

Today’s attire: ‘protest casual’

Demonstrating precisely why they get paid half as much as their defense and intelligence counterparts, Israeli foreign ministry workers are protesting their low wages by dressing down in the work place.

Calling it “a strike,” the diplomatic employees have refused to wear a suit and tie to work. However, they still show up to work and perform work duties, only in jeans and flip-flops.*

The dispute has lasted six months now, but we only just noticed because Israel rarely engages in diplomacy nowadays.

*Fun Fact:
In some regions, flip-flops are called sandals, tongs, slippers or Buffett low-kickers.

Washington: ‘I cannot pay a fine’

When it comes to U.S. history, George Washington comes off as a pretty OK guy:

  • When life gave him a cherry tree, he made firewood.
  • At his first opportunity, he chose to attack the French rather than accept their immediate surrender.
  • He managed to outright not lose to the British.
  • He kept our new nation afloat for its first eight years, then left office voluntarily.
  • He stole New York City property from the public library.

That’s right: Washington checked out a copy of The Law of Nations by Emer de Vattel on October 5, 1789 and never intended to return it. In fact, it was kept a guarded secret by–we presume–the Freemasons until The New York Daily News blew the lid off of this conspiracy.

After 221 years, $300,000 and a backlog of unknown length on the waiting list, Washington’s pet historians have finally coughed up a replacement copy for the library, presumably because Washington doodled boobs and penises in the margins of the original.

Uncle Joe still killing followers

The owner of a museum dedicated to former top Commie and 31-consecutive-year mustache champion Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death at a tennis court.

Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.

Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.

SeriouslyGuys makes you smarter

Readers, we know you’re already pretty smart. You’re reading SeriouslyGuys at work, maybe even in school, and we bet you haven’t been caught yet.

We’ve been high-fiving your intelligence with penis jokes for years, and now 75 percent of surveyed “scientists, business leaders, consultants, writers and technology developers” agree: SeriouslyGuys (and some of the rest of the Internet) makes you smarter.

Of course, there’s still that pesky 25 percent that believes that you use the Internet to serve as your intelligence or reinforce what you already believe. You know that’s not true, and–to prove it–we said so.