Redtape their blowholes shut!
Posted on June 5, 2008
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The U.S. government does not typically have much in common with Lifetime War on Animals Achievement winner Japan. This blog believes we told them to “go tentacle rape themselves” when they presented their Kyoto Clean Air Agreement.
However, we have adopted one of their better habits: allowing whales to die.
Because of “confusion” between several government agencies, our government is unable to prevent the “accidental” killings of right whales*, which now number in the 300s. Whoopsies!
*Fun Fact:
The right whale got it’s name from whalers(!) because “their mellow personalities, shallow feeding habits and lumbering, 70-ton bodies made them the easiest, or the right, whales to kill.” Now that’s how you name a species!
We completely understand, feds. Keeping “boaters” and “fishers” from “accidentally” killing whales is very difficult to manage. It’s a tragedy, but what can we do about it?
Written by Rick Snee‘This isn’t Vietnam … there are rules’
Posted on May 22, 2008
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As part of our ongoing coverage of “Summer is here” — which will continue until mid-October — there’s an element we’ve forgotten: driving around.
For our high school and college readers, this is the time that you and your peers are bored and will drive around, pretending that going nowhere is “something.” For the adults, this means you’re going to a lot of stores with wedding and baby registries.
Without fail on any of these excursions, an argument will arise about the rules to calling Shotgun and Rock-Paper-Scissors (or Roshambo to non-South Park viewers). We’d normally use this as an excuse to write a How To, but someone has beaten us to it and done so throughly.
We suggest sending this link to that friend that calls Shotgun during the planning stages of your Warped Tour trip in August.
Written by Rick SneeFun Fact:
“The history of calling ‘Shotgun’ goes back to the days of covered wagons and the Wild West. On a trip across the plains, the driver of a wagon would hold the reins of his horse team and concentrate on driving. This left him and the occupants of his wagon susceptible to sneak attacks from bandits and thieves. To avoid this atrocious circumstance it became necessary for one person to sit next to the driver with a shotgun and fend off the enemy.”
If only he knew the power of the jail time …
Posted on May 20, 2008
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Update time! Back in April, we reported on a Welshman dressed in a shoddy Darth Vader costume attacking a Church of Jediism. Obviously copious amounts of alcohol were involved in the age old battle between nerd and nerdier (you can take a guess at which is which). Said Dark Lord of the Sith imitator, Arwel Wynne Hughes, was arrested.
Flash forward to now! Arwel has managed to avoid jail time, using the age old defense “I was so drunk, I don’t even remember it taking place.” You would think that the video taping of the incident (done so because “the church” was taping their “service”) might jog his memory, but, well, I can’t say that I’ve ever actually heard of Wales being done for their progressive attitude and inherent of adaptation of new technology. Alas. A great disturbance in the judicial side of the Force remains.
Fun Fact: In the 2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 — 0.7 percent of the population — listed Jedi as their religion.
That’s most assuredly .699999999% more than I ever would have guessed.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorPeople get older over time (including children)
Posted on May 12, 2008
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With the May releases of blockbusters trickling out, it’s obvious that it is now summer. (Hear that sound? It’s children on your lawn! Remember: shoot first, then drag them onto your porch.)
With summer here, it’s also time for the press to go on vacation while entertaining their interns with puppet shows, magic tricks and lists. The most popular list, of course, is the “Child Stars: Then and Now” rehash that gets updated every year.
Today’s lazy adventure in Internet slide shows comes to you courtesy of Florida’s Sun-Sentinel.com.
Written by Rick SneeBonus Fun Fact:
Apparently Prince William was a child star.
World-class rope burns
Posted on March 20, 2008
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The Olympics is coming this summer, so get ready to see a bunch of people run around a track in approximately 800 different events. It has also been a criticism of the Olympics for having too many strange sports (so you cross country ski really fast and then shoot things?), but they have had others in the past.
From 1900 to 1920, Tug-of-War was an Olympic event–really. Think of all the hard work, training and sacrifice that must go into a game your dad and his coworkers used to play after having a few to many at the annual office picnic. Sadly, Dodgeball, Red Rover and Handlebar Mustache-Growing were not approved for these early Olympiads.
This has been an SG fun fact.
Written by Bryan McBournieUh-oh, somebody’s plum tuckered
Posted on February 5, 2008
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“President Bush, who stayed up past his normal bedtime to watch the end of a stirring Super Bowl, called members of the New York Giants organization on Monday to offer his congratulations.
[...]
The game finished just after 10 p.m., which is later than Bush normally stays up.”
Holy underwear! Our President, the full-grownest of all full-grown American men, has a bedtime? And that bedtime is earlier than that of most 12-year-olds?
Written by Rick SneeMasterChugs Theater: ‘The King of Kong’
Posted on February 1, 2008
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The sporting world has known its share of classic rivalries: Ali and Foreman, Evert and Navratilova, Barkley and Godzilla. To this storied pantheon of titans we can now add Billy Mitchell and Steve Wiebe, the crème de la crème of competitive Donkey Kong players.
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters follows Steve Wiebe; an average dude living an average life with a wife and two kids. He’s the kind of guy who’s always had a hobby — be it baseball or music — but for one reason or another, has always come up short, mostly due to a string of bad luck dating all the way back to high school. A huge Donkey Kong fan from back in the day, Wiebe gets it in his head that he wants to try for the record — a high score secured by the great gamer Billy Mitchell back in 1982. A score that remained on top for years and years and years … until now. But it won’t be easy; Mitchell is a celebrity in the world of gaming, as well as a self-made millionaire due to his line of hot sauce. He’s a legend, who comes with a legion of fans and henchmen. Remember the Mantle/Maris home run race in 1961? Yeah, well this is even more intense.
No, really. It is. Hit the jump to see why. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorDedication comes from both within and extra clothing
Posted on January 21, 2008
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Hollywood and its writers need more money? Pfft … they’re nothing but desperate at the moment. The Guys‘ favorite strike of the moment is the nude artist’s models in Rome (fun fact: that’s where nude modeling was invented!) who are demanding better pay, reasonable hours, and less drafty rooms to sit naked in while hungover students paint pictures of them. And creepy pervs, which, we swear, are not us.
“‘Once a group of about 30 Japanese tourists turned up and started taking photographs. I had to cover myself up quickly,’ said Antonella Migliorini.”
Oh Japan. Even when out of your host country, your crazy pervert acts still continue to roam wild.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorHow did ‘aging’ not make this list?
Posted on January 11, 2008
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Ever wonder if your fears make you a freak? While Hollywood will let you consistently let you down when adapting your favorite novel/comic book for the big screen, the stars will out phobia you, as this slideshow claims.
Hilarious excerpts:
- Nicole Kidman’s fear is “acting.”
- Toby “Spider-Man” Maguire’s is “heights.”
- Billy Bob Thornton is apparently afraid of anything the Queer Eye guys can throw at him (”bright colors,” “antiques, silver cutlery” and “water”).
- Justin Timberlake had the most honest answer: “sharks, snakes” and “spiders.” No word if he meant normally or exclusively on motherf–king planes.
Happy United Nations Day!
Posted on October 24, 2007
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That’s right, folks. The first of the big holidays is finally here. It’s time to celebrate the 62nd anniversary of the founding of the U.N. Yes, on this day in 1945, the U.N was founded as a way for countries to better communicate with each other. Clearly, it worked, since there have been no wars since then.
So get ready to celebrate the traditional U.N. Day way: gather with your friends friends of different race or country around the U.N. Day tree, sing the traditional U.N. Day carols and exchange gifts. Once you and are done with those festivities, it’s time to sit down and draft sanctions against people you don’t like very much. Be sure to vote on the non-binding resolutions condemning their actions!
Written by Bryan McBournie « go back — keep looking »