Today’s attire: ‘protest casual’

Demonstrating precisely why they get paid half as much as their defense and intelligence counterparts, Israeli foreign ministry workers are protesting their low wages by dressing down in the work place.

Calling it “a strike,” the diplomatic employees have refused to wear a suit and tie to work. However, they still show up to work and perform work duties, only in jeans and flip-flops.*

The dispute has lasted six months now, but we only just noticed because Israel rarely engages in diplomacy nowadays.

*Fun Fact:
In some regions, flip-flops are called sandals, tongs, slippers or Buffett low-kickers.

Washington: ‘I cannot pay a fine’

When it comes to U.S. history, George Washington comes off as a pretty OK guy:

  • When life gave him a cherry tree, he made firewood.
  • At his first opportunity, he chose to attack the French rather than accept their immediate surrender.
  • He managed to outright not lose to the British.
  • He kept our new nation afloat for its first eight years, then left office voluntarily.
  • He stole New York City property from the public library.

That’s right: Washington checked out a copy of The Law of Nations by Emer de Vattel on October 5, 1789 and never intended to return it. In fact, it was kept a guarded secret by–we presume–the Freemasons until The New York Daily News blew the lid off of this conspiracy.

After 221 years, $300,000 and a backlog of unknown length on the waiting list, Washington’s pet historians have finally coughed up a replacement copy for the library, presumably because Washington doodled boobs and penises in the margins of the original.

Uncle Joe still killing followers

The owner of a museum dedicated to former top Commie and 31-consecutive-year mustache champion Josef Stalin was electrocuted and bludgeoned to death at a tennis court.

Police are still looking for a motive, having already dismissed one theory that the man’s lime green ski cap confused tennis players. Even former KGB tennis enthusiasts have long abandoned the practice of tasing balls before game time.

Once investigations are over, he will be buried in honor of his life’s work: in an unmarked grave and quietly erased from history.

SeriouslyGuys makes you smarter

Readers, we know you’re already pretty smart. You’re reading SeriouslyGuys at work, maybe even in school, and we bet you haven’t been caught yet.

We’ve been high-fiving your intelligence with penis jokes for years, and now 75 percent of surveyed “scientists, business leaders, consultants, writers and technology developers” agree: SeriouslyGuys (and some of the rest of the Internet) makes you smarter.

Of course, there’s still that pesky 25 percent that believes that you use the Internet to serve as your intelligence or reinforce what you already believe. You know that’s not true, and–to prove it–we said so.

Best. Prison break. EVER.

Fun Fact: If you ever decide to commit a crime, make sure it happens in Washington state. You’ll get a free trip on the tilt-a-whirl and all the funnel cake you can eat!

Republicans, Democrats, let us all come together! I think we can all agree that if you’re found not guilty by reason of insanity, you should not be allowed to ride the ferris wheel and eat a gigantic turkey leg. Or at the very least, not for murder.

For that you only get one fried twinkie and five minutes on the teacups.

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The King of Kong’

Because of our highly important alcohol conference, we’re running a MasterChugs Flashback this week. Enjoy!

The sporting world has known its share of classic rivalries: Ali and Foreman, Evert and Navratilova, Barkley and Godzilla. To this storied pantheon of titans we can now add Billy Mitchell and Steve Wiebe, the crème de la crème of competitive Donkey Kong players.

The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters follows Steve Wiebe; an average dude living an average life with a wife and two kids. He’s the kind of guy who’s always had a hobby — be it baseball or music — but for one reason or another, has always come up short, mostly due to a string of bad luck dating all the way back to high school. A huge Donkey Kong fan from back in the day, Wiebe gets it in his head that he wants to try for the record — a high score secured by the great gamer Billy Mitchell back in 1982. A score that remained on top for years and years and years … until now. But it won’t be easy; Mitchell is a celebrity in the world of gaming, as well as a self-made millionaire due to his line of hot sauce. He’s a legend, who comes with a legion of fans and henchmen. Remember the Mantle/Maris home run race in 1961? Yeah, well this is even more intense.

No, really. It is. Hit the jump to see why. Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘The King of Kong’

Women singled out for equal pay

President Obama signed his first bill today, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, which will grant equal pay, but only to women. Men, we’re sorry to say, will continue to not receive equal pay despite our gender, proving that

  1. George Orwell was right: some people are created more equally than others.
  2. Obama hates men.

So, with a stroke of at least 12 pens — Wait, what?

“[…] Mr. Obama signed his name to the bill, using one pen for each letter. ‘I’ve been practicing signing my name very slowly,’ Mr. Obama said wryly, looking at a bank of pens before him. He handed the first pen to the bill’s chief sponsor, Senator Barbara Mikulski, Democrat of Maryland, and the last to Ms. Ledbetter”

Presidents sign their names one letter at a time to hand out souvenirs, slowing down the passage of bills? What happens when there’s an emergency anti-asteroid or -zombie bill where every second counts?

That’s why The Guys are marking the first African-American President signing the first equal pay for women bill with this limited edition President Barack H. Obama Presidential Bill-Signin’ Pen:

Coming soon to the SG Store for the low, low, historic price of $20.09.

Nintendo DS: the latest secret terrorist

Rampant PSP fanboyism can totally be seen in households.

A mother in Indiana is currently kicking up a stink after discovering an alleged religious vaguely Islamic secret terrorist gibberish gobbledygook message in the Nintendo DS game Baby Pals. Purchased for her 8-year-old daughter, the game speaks a phrase of gibberish that sounds kind of like “Islam is the light.” CONTROVERSY ENSUES.

This would be hilarious if the woman’s history wasn’t so pathetic patriotic. Rachel Jones discovered the offending utterance first in the Fisher-Price’s Little Mommy Cuddle ‘n Coo doll, then later coincidentally in a copy of Baby Pals she had purchased for her daughter. Meaning that Crave and Nintendo are nothing but secret terrorists. Clearly.

Fun Fact: Baby Pals came out in October 2007, a year before the row about the doll.

“Not just my daughters’ toys, but we have a son too,” Jones told Terre Haute’s WTHI News 10. “Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they’re not saying it.”

Fun Fact: The ability of fake babies to exert absolute influence on real children through nonsensical endorsements of religion is well-known. And it’s science. American science.

No word was given on whether the word “light” used in the phrase was meant as “light” or “Lite”.

I learned how to press the X button for gas all by myself!

I am a resident of Virginia, and for the most part, I enjoy this state. It’s temperate, it’s got better drivers than those you would find in the state of Maryland (but then again, schools for the blind have better drivers-I kid, I kid) and it’s not that wholly objectionable of a state.

Of course, there are also times that make me wish I lived in a different state. This is one of those times.

A six-year-old Virginia boy was so intent on getting to school one morning that, after missing the school bus, he decided to help himself to the family sedan and drive there.

However, being six, he only managed to find a utility pole instead.

He only suffered minor injuries, and was even able to get to school, escorted there by authorities after a quick hospital evaluation. Since mom was asleep when the driving proviso decided to start his day, his parents were charged with child endangerment, and he and his brother are now in protective custody.

The boy claims he learned to drive playing Grand Theft Auto and Monster Truck Jam. Which, you know, is wonderful that the parents are clearing doing a great job of letting their youngster play GTA. This is a parenting tip we could all learn from.

Fun fact: Six-year-olds are magnets for utility poles. Really. Stick one in front of them and the two will be stuck together like white on rice.