Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Note from Snee: Normally, you would find the ranting of a handsome man in this space. However, I’ve been offered the deal of a lifetime this week: selling my space this week to a Congressional candidate and taking the day off. See you next week, suckers!

Hi, I’m Rand Paul.

Some of you might know me because of my father, always-a-Senator-and-never-a-President Ron Paul. Others of you might know me from my practice as an ophthalmologist. (Whew! Thanks, Spell-Check!) And some of you might have already voted for me in the Republican primary and look forward to voting for me in the Kentucky general election.

Thank you for your support so far, but I’m not writing to you today.

Under the advisement of my new campaign manager, the talented and non-classically-attractive Rick Snee, I am writing in this SeriouslyGuys space to express some SeriouslyOpinions. (He assured me that his millions of readers would find this hilarious.) Continue reading Take it from Paul: That’s not what I meant

Guest Post: Miss South Carolina on the heart

After several stories on the Miss California USA saga and on the heels of her appearance on Tosh.0, Lauren Caitlin Upton — the former Miss Teen South Carolina USA — agreed to write a guest post for SeriouslyGuys. Her topic is on the latest startling medical news that more than half of Britons cannot identify the heart on a diagram of the human body and 70 percent cannot identify the lungs.

She may be also teasing the British for their smiles.I personally believe that U.K. British … are unable to do so because, uh, some … people out there, in their nation, don’t have anatomy charts.

And, uh … I believe that their education, like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as …

And I believe they should, uh … their education over there, in the U.K., should help the U.K. or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and Asian countries so they will be able to build their future … for them.

Thank you, South Carolina.

Guest Post: John Madden on retiring

SeriouslyGuys is excited to receive our first guest post since Jay Leno’s writers back in 2008: John Madden. Mr. Madden wanted to talk about his retirement from football announcing and what this means for the sport, viewers, himself and Monday nights.

Hi, John Madden here. If you picked up an Internet news site today, then you probably already know that I gave a press conference, in which I told the press that I’m retiring from announcing football games for television.

Now, in order to retire from announcing football games for television, that means I have to stop doing programs like Monday Night Football. The key step here is to prevent myself from going to the games, putting on makeup and sitting in front of the cameras and microphone in the broadcasting booth. Also, I’m not really retired if I make any play-by-play calls while wearing a lapel microphone. Those count, too, you know.

So, this retirement means that viewers will no longer see and/or hear me calling the plays during the game, which is where I watch the game with you and tell you what’s happened. At this point, the viewers will have no choice but listen to and watch someone else, who will do what I’ve just described — but with a different voice.

What does this mean for me? I’ll tell you what this means: I’ll have to watch football like a normal man, which means I will drive my friends and family insane by describing every action in the game to them like I would on television. But remember, I won’t be on television. Unless I get one of those video camera/TV displays from Sears. Then I’ll be on TV, but on a separate one from the game or on picture-in-picture (PIP).

Also, I won’t be able to do the scribble arrows thing anymore without a dry erase marker.

This retirement from all football game announcing means that I will also no longer appear on Monday Night Football. This is because the Monday night game is still a football game, only on a Monday night instead of a Sunday afternoon or night, Saturday night or the occasional Tuesday or Thursday night game.

In closing, this means that I will no longer be paid by NBC to talk about the plays during the game, which must occur for it to be considered a game or there’s a penalty for delay of game. (That’s when a team delays the game by failing to commence a play before the play clock reaches 0.)

Good night, unless it’s not night where you are, in which case, the sun is still up or it is not after 5 pm.

Osama Bin Laden: Unfunnier than Dane Cook

Note: Today’s Osama Bin Laden coverage is brought to you by a guest SeriouslyGuy, Jay Leno’s monologue writer.

So Bin Laden released a new audio tape.  (Did you hear about this?)

In the tape, he tries out some new material about the Catholic Church and the Pope.  Yeah, that’s what we thought: too easy … just like the priests! We mean, who doesn’t have a thing for the Pope?  Certainly not his alter boys. Ba-zing!

(Oh, c’mon.  You laughed at the Spitzer-not-swallowtzer jokes.)

The sad part is that OsBiLa (that’s his nickname from entertainment reporters) didn’t go for the easy jokes.  Instead, he went after the Danish Mohammad cartoons from 2005! We mean, sure, it’s a rant, but since when did Dennis Miller wear a turban?

(We’re just kidding, folks.  Dennis is good people, like Peter the Great at a Frank Lloyd Wright exhibit.)

We’ve got a great Web site for you today!  Steely Dan is here!