There are few ways I could have a bigger smile when writing those words.
If it means we finally get a smarter crop of kids, I couldn’t be happier. No matter the cost.
Dr. Martha Rivera of White Memorial Medical Center in Los Angeles sums it up best: “It burns when it goes down, it burns when it comes out.”
You can walk into a store intoxicated. You can commit the cool crime of stealing (which we don’t necessarily advocate). You can even apply for a job at a store.
But whatever you do, don’t go for the fabled Triple Crown. Especially if achieving the goal involves an adult store, an adult toy and cameras. Especially if cameras are involved.
Of course, that’s just a premise for writing about chic-gadget lab Nest and their plans to do what they did to thermostats and do it to smoke detectors. And if you haven’t seen a Nest thermostat, let us tell you: these aren’t the ones your dad used to screw in the garage.
So, what does this makeover entail? Nobody knows. There’s been a press release that this is what Nest plans to do next, but without any details. Will there be a iPod-like design? Maybe. Can you get updates from it to your phone? Probably. Will it smoke cigarettes to set itself off every so often, letting you feel like it was worth spending more than $15 on a designer smoke alarm? It’d better.
We just hope it live-tweets when it goes off, but in a funny way so that it wins you new followers. That should cover the costs of rebuilding and buying a new home.
Well, except for those people that wore the hip-hop Bugs Bunny and Taz shirts back in the nineties. Their downfall was public.
Ladies and gentlemen, can we please have your attention? We’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. We need all of you to stop what you’re doing and listen.
New research indicates that eating out hurts work productivity, but there’s no word if it helps foster more giving workplace relationships. Still, we’re not sure how to initiate the act in the office without risking an appointment with HR …
Oh … never mind. They mean leaving the office to eat lunch.
Scientists at Humboldt University found that workers who go out and eat lunch with a friend switch off the necessary tools for “cognitive control and error monitoring,” meaning that they came back to the office relaxed and gave not one s**t about the work they left behind.
But, to reiterate: they did not study the effects of cunnilingus in the workplace. They did, however, recommend eating at your desk, so interpret that as you will.
Every year around this time, news enters what’s known as the Slow News Cycle. This is when the media their current batch of unpaid interns invent a bogus trend out of something some teen did somewhere while bored. Previous years ushered warnings of drinking vodka through your eyes, sex orgies based on colored bracelets and last year’s Number One Scourge: buttchugging.
This year, the biggest, most grave concern for our future teachers, law enforcement and — dare we say it — presidents is the homemade blowdart gun. Or, more to the point (ah!), accidentally inhaling the dart before shooting it.
So far, three entire teenagers have swallowed darts that got lodged in their throats. Fortunately, the current “craze” only concerns blowdarts and not raising dart frogs to poison coat the tips. So it could have been much funnier, people.
If you suspect your or somebody else’s teen of inhaling blowdarts, do not attempt to hold them upside-down by the ankles and shake the dart out. Also, do not hook an air compressor to their anus and attempt to blow the dart back out as this could put anyone in range in danger. The best thing you can do is take them to the ER and post pictures of them online for your friends. That should shame ‘em.
Anyone care to comment about the Richmond porn shop that became a taco shop? Schools? Paul?