The CDC partially blames improper cleaning and maintenance procedures, but also that you — yes, you — are not fooling anybody. We’ve seen you at the bar and know that you go to the bathroom every 30 minutes.
So, what can you do to help prevent the already rising number of pool-illness incidents?
1. Wash that ass. Unwashed perianal regions (that area ranging from your pee parts to your anus, including the taint) contain 0.14 grams of fecal matter on average. So, scrub up with soap before soap before going to the pool — or, for that matter, sitting on shared surfaces or standing upwind from anybody.
2. Stop pooping in the pool. Or peeing. Or farting after eating “complete proteins.” And if you have diarrhea, just imagine there are poop-eating sharks — or shartks — waiting for you.
Thank you for your attention. Hope you have a rad summer.
Now, before you jump to any conclusions, The Guys don’t pick our noses. We’re just putting that out there because you never know when you might have to start dating again. (Usually right after publishing either of the two preceding sentences.)
Our kids, however, do, and who knows where they pick these things up from, right? (Sorry, Madison. We love you very much, but you have your entire life to rebuild your reputation, whereas Your Daddies have to strike when the iron’s hot and the press is paying attention to us.)
But, what’s so bad about it anyway? Huh? Who are we to judge people (who are not us) who pick their noses and eat their gainfully acquired boogers? What if each tiny load-bearing fingerprobe contributes to our immune system like a vaccination-flavored Gushers fruit snack? What if we (including us, The Guys) are the weird ones for not eating our boogers?
His reasoning is that doing so will result in them making better judgements and decisions when it comes down to crunch time. Dick Wolf was pleased to hear this news. However, Huang Qifan, the aforementioned mayor, feels that they should also watch American action films, as again, this will result in them making better judgements and decisions when it comes down to crunch time.
Judges of China, if you’re going to follow through on this, can we recommend Die Hard but not Die Hard 2, along with Lethal Weapon 2, but not Lethal Weapons 1 or 3? Thanks.
If you live in Florida, you may want to consider moving before the summer comes. We’re sure it’s a very nice place and all that, but it’s about to get flat-out terrifying.
It’s no secret that Florida is one big swamp, and that mosquitoes love swamps, so naturally, the bugs are all over the state. But now, according to this headline, scientists are expecting a “Large, aggressive mosquito.” It’s likely going to be from the Psorophora ciliata species, which sounds like something you shouldn’t google at work.
The article is short on details, and we don’t want to speculate, but it probably means that the state will be terrorized by a single mutant mosquito, roughly the size of a house, and the demeanor of grizzly bear.
Of course, if you want to hunt this mega-mosquito, we’ll write songs about you when you bring us its head.
R.L. Stine, you may remember him as that guy who wrote the “Goosebumps” series that never really terrified you, or if you were a more advanced reader, the “Cheerleader” series that made it OK to think about undead highschool cheerleaders. Well kids, or young adults, or adults now, Stine is back with our headline of the day with something he wants to give you.