Category: Headline of the Day

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Can you say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy?

This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South's high rate of diabetes.
This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South’s high rate of diabetes.

If you can say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy — and you’re white and not Catholic or Jewish — then congratulations! You just passed the KKK entrance exam!

The South Carolina-based Loyal White Knights distributed bags of candy, each containing the phone number to their recruitment line, along with standard Fox News talking points about illegal immigration.

The Guys are beginning to suspect that nobody with good intentions ever gives out free candy.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Fast food tacos have no sh*ts left to give

Fast food taco huts are just America's next Waffle House: a perfect end to a late night adventure/contract herpes from corn-based products.
Taco huts are just America’s next Waffle House: a perfect way to contract herpes from corn-based products at the end of a late night adventure.

If you think our nation’s Mexican-themed fast food places are pushovers just because they fold up the same three ingredients for different prices, think again.

One late night pushy Taco Bell customer ate lukewarm stainless steel after harassing an employee at 4 am. According to police, the employee shot the enraged 4th-mealer with a BB gun after the two fought in the parking lot.

And, if the salsa doesn’t give you a weird feeling in your stomach at Chipotle, how about two people having sex on top of it? (OK, so it was on the roof, 6 feet over the salsa. But still: nas-tay.) They were arrested and charged with indecent exposure, lewdness, loitering, resisting arrest (they tried to run) and conspiracy. Police would not confirm if the conspiracy was to steer more people to Moe’s, the least sexy burrito Subway in the world.

One thing is clear from both situations: do not screw with (or on) America’s taco emporiums.

| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day

Garth Brooks to do to Ireland what he did to music

20140708-120903-43743827.jpg
Fun Fact: All of Ireland’s troubles are potato-shaped.

U.S. country singer and face on your mom’s over-sized sleep shirt, Garth Brooks, only wants to perform five concerts in Ireland. And if he can’t have five shows, then he won’t perform at all.

Now Irish business groups are worried that “the Garth Brooks saga” will damage their tourism industry and upcoming bids for the Rugby World Cup and soccer competitions.

The last time a Garth Brooks saga threatened this much destruction was when that Chris Gaines guy started playing his shows.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Popewatch!

Let’s hope they don’t destroy Catholic time-space

If fan-circulated rumors are true, we can expect cameos from the other 262 previous popes. Except Eccleston.
If fan-circulated rumors are true, we can expect cameos from the other 262 previous popes. Except Eccleston.

Pope Francis plans to canonize both ex-popes and -animated objects John Paul II (your mom’s favorite pope) and John XXIII (your grandmom’s) this weekend. But, he’s not doing it alone! Despite his reluctance to return to the role of pope, Benedict XVI will be there, too.

Papalians, we’re looking at a four pope television event. Set your Holy Tivos: this will be the biggest confluence of popes since the Middle Ages.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Scurry (Politics)

#freedom

The initiative, already active across Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, would look to branch out to other social media where jihadists were active. “What about Ask.fm? What about Instagram? What about Pinterest?”

You’d think that jihadists, if they’re really attempting to hide information from U.S. analysts, would take their online conversations to Friendster.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!

Sound health rhymes with ‘heart’

Say what you will about those cowboys, but they’re probably healthier than you. (Now, now. Don’t get mad. You know you don’t have the strength to do anything more than angrily chew your Cheetos.) And the secret to their health? Beans.

Don't let conservatives' horror stories about Canadian socialized medicine discourage you from heeding this serious medical advice.
Don’t let conservatives’ horror stories about Canadian socialized medicine discourage you from heeding this serious dietary advice.

According to Canadian researchers (pictured to the right), a single, daily serving of beans “can reduce levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol, which in turn lowers the risk of heart attacks and stroke.”

And, furthermore, keep eating those beans, and you’ll also develop the ability to play the most musical of fruit. Well, other than gourds. Those things really keep a beat. So, the cymbals of the musical fruit world. Or stand-up bass if you chain a few.