Category: Headline of the Day

| Filed under Headline of the Day, War on Animals

Even on National Dog Day, Fox News keeps blowing dogwhistles

Don't let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our borders. Build the chicken wire fence!
Don’t let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our country. Build the chicken wire fence!

Most of today’s National Dog Day media focuses on how much comfort and companionship dogs provide us, which is a PR nightmare for our ongoing War on Animals. Fortunately, there’s one news agency that isn’t falling for the cuddly animal angle that our enemies push: Fox News.

Rather than be a lap dog to PETA, Fox News is raising the hard question that no one dares ask about dogs: are immigrant dogs sneaking rabies and other diseases across our borders?

We applaud Fox News for sticking it to dogs and enforcing their narrative on the dangers of immigration in all forms. Clearly, there’s at least one news agency that hasn’t been neutered.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!

Bad news doesn’t get better with age, but it eventually goes away

"So the pills will make it look like this all the time ... but you're still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?"
“So the pills will make it look like this all the time, but you’re still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?”

Doctors are unsure of how to talk to aging patients about end-of-life care. According to a new poll, they know they have to talk to patients about it eventually. And, they’ll be having that conversation more than ever as 72 million aging Baby Boomers fail to die before they get old (in accordance with the final wishes of The Who). It’s just really, really hard to broach the topic of, y’know, natural cellular decay with a 60-year-old marathoner.

Originally, the costs of these awkward consultations was to be covered under the Affordable Care Act, but the funding was stripped out of the bill because stupid people who plan to die in shooting range accidents called them “death panels.” Doctors were off the hook … until Medicare stepped in and threw money back at the problem. Which is fine and all, but still doesn’t help them tell someone who thinks their only problem is a wind-socking erection.

Fortunately, The Guys have a solution — one that doctors already know: they can wait old people out. Self-solving problem.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells, War on Animals

Great tits: worth paying attention to

Just one of these in your hand is worth two in the bush. (When birds can express that level of sophisticated thought, then we can say they've mastered language.)
Just one of these in your hand is worth two in the bush. (When birds can express that level of sophisticated thought, then we can say they’ve mastered language.)

We always wondered what it would be like to talk with animals. It turns out that animals can talk, we just didn’t listen. Fortunately, they finally found the only means of communicating that — as women will attest — The Guys will pay attention to: great tits!

Scientists studied the calls of Japanese great tits (with that distinction, we’re obviously talking about birds) and discovered that they use combinations of chirps to convey complicated messages. Basically, they use syntax — grammar and vocabulary — just like people, albeit with far less of each and fewer stupid rules carried over from Latin.

So, we’re now retroactively offended every time a couple of tits refuse to speak English in front of us. You just know they’re squawking something about the tops of our heads.

| Filed under Headline of the Day

Chuchuk: Kyrgyzstan’s other purple meat

By being deported, Michael Mcfeat narrowly escaped Krygyzstan's greatest/worst punishment: having to eat a whole bag of chuchuks.
By being deported, Michael Mcfeat narrowly escaped Kyrgyzstan’s greatest/worst punishment: having to eat a whole bag of chuchuks.

Hey, speaking of penis … The Guys don’t know a whole lot (or anything at all) about Kyrgyzstan, but we now know this: don’t call their special delicacy, chuchuk, a horse’s penis. A British employee of Kyrgyzstan’s biggest gold mine learned this the hard way (… eh?) after posting on Facebook that everyone was lined (or “queued” in adorable British-speak) up for their turn at that monster.

It turns out that chuchuk is sausage made from horse meat and intestines, but not dick; c’mon, that would be gross. For disparaging their national dish, he’s been deported with a warning that he could have been charged for a hate crime.

In the Brit’s defense, where he comes from, dick is a national dish.

Penis.

| Filed under Headline of the Day

Salem court binds warlock’s mystical jerk powers

If she weighs more than a duck, then she just isn't that into you.
If she weighs more than a duck, then she just isn’t that into you.

In today’s reading of history, nobody sides with Salem’s court system when it tries witches. That is, until today, when it issued a restraining order against a warlock for allegedly harassing a local witch. (And, yes, a warlock is a witch. Just with a pair of cauldrons down there.)

Lori Sforza, a self-proclaimed witch and Head Mother of Our Lord and Lady of the Trinacrian Rose Church, asked for an order to stop the world’s most unfortunately named warlock ever, Christian Day. Sforza said Day used the dark powers of telephony to make harassing calls.

So, if you ever feel like our government can’t do anything these days, at least it can contain the supernatural … or can it?

Happy Halloween from the Guys! And to our Wiccan readers who may or may not be currently navigating our legal system, happy new year!

| Filed under Headline of the Day, War on Animals

We’ve lost the War on Amphibious Animals

As if things didn’t look bleak enough in pants, the War on Animals took a major blow today. We all know that you are successfully keeping your foe down if they can’t join professional baseball. But now that there has been an amphibious pitcher, it’s only a matter of time before fully aquatic players’ unions force the game to be played entirely underwater.

We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.
We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.

And just to add insult to injury, his name’s Venditte. That’s right: “Tiny French Thirst for Vengeance.” He just admitted that he is a frog and always intended to set back both baseball and the human race from the very beginning.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

For better health, think outside the box

We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn't raised by what we thought the headline was about.
We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn’t raised by what we thought the headline was about.

There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”

Congratulations, University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.

But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.

Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:

‘Our research plugs that gap.’

Vagina.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, Too Soon?

‘I came here to drink orange juice and shoot butts …’

A dad in Baton Rouge, La., walked into his kitchen on Sunday morning to drink orange juice and shoot butts, only to discover that he was all out of orange juice. After an argument with his 18-year-old son led to a broken vase, police report that he chased his son outside and allegedly fired a handgun three times, hitting him in the buttocks.

Police video forensics have assembled the following reenactment of the altercation that led to the shooting:

The victim should be recovering as his wounds were reported as non-life-threatening. He’s — at the very least — doing as well as anyone with four butt holes can.