As if things
didn’t look bleak enough in pants, the War on Animals took a major blow today. We all know that you are successfully keeping your foe down if they can’t join professional baseball. But now that there has been an amphibious pitcher, it’s only a matter of time before fully aquatic players’ unions force the game to be played entirely underwater.
We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.
And just to add insult to injury, his name’s Venditte. That’s right: “Tiny French Thirst for Vengeance.” He just admitted that he is a frog and always intended to set back both baseball and the human race from the very beginning.
That’ll do, officers. That’ll do.
And then sometimes, we get the most Floridian headline possible
We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn’t raised by what we thought the headline was about.
There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “
Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”
University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.
But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.
Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:
‘Our research plugs that gap.’
A dad in Baton Rouge, La., walked into his kitchen on Sunday morning to drink orange juice and shoot butts, only to discover that he was all out of orange juice. After an argument with his 18-year-old son led to a broken vase, police report that
he chased his son outside and allegedly fired a handgun three times, hitting him in the buttocks.
Police video forensics have assembled the following reenactment of the altercation that led to the shooting:
The victim should be recovering as his wounds were reported as non-life-threatening. He’s — at the very least — doing as well as anyone with four butt holes can.
Keep it moving. Keep it moving. It’s just the sky’s pleats.
Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
… we’re not gonna top a headline as great as this.
Who would’ve thought Count Chocula was such serious business for craft beer?
Coming soon to a desk near you. (We’re joking that it’s a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed-up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto.) (Yes, like wasps.)
In case you younger viewers were confused by the piece of sci-fi alien tech that Starlord used in
Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s called a and actually comes from our own species’ past. tape cassette
you can buy one, even if you don’t have the means to play it.
And that’s a good thing because you don’t have the tool to fix your when it eventually unspools. cassette