There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”
Congratulations, University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.
But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.
Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:
‘Our research plugs that gap.’
A dad in Baton Rouge, La., walked into his kitchen on Sunday morning to drink orange juice and shoot butts, only to discover that he was all out of orange juice. After an argument with his 18-year-old son led to a broken vase, police report that he chased his son outside and allegedly fired a handgun three times, hitting him in the buttocks.
Police video forensics have assembled the following reenactment of the altercation that led to the shooting:
The victim should be recovering as his wounds were reported as non-life-threatening. He’s — at the very least — doing as well as anyone with four butt holes can.
Keep it moving. Keep it moving. It’s just the sky’s pleats.
Who would’ve thought Count Chocula was such serious business for craft beer?
Fantasy football team owners, Vegas odds-setters and any remaining, yet inexplicable Detroit Lions fans, don’t worry. A bridge may have collapsed — killing a man — but Lions quarterback Matt Stafford is OK.
To reiterate: a bridge collapsed, a man died, traffic was blocked in both directions on a major highway to remove destroyed infrastructure and what was once a human being. But, most importantly, and what we should put in the headline, is that Matt Stafford, a guy who throws (and sometimes runs with) a football was unharmed.
He was, however, inconvenienced during others’ ultimately futile attempts to treat and prevent a man from dying. However, since he wasn’t involved in those efforts, there’s no point in reporting on them or the person who died.