Category: Headline of the Day

| Filed under Headline of the Day, War on Animals

We’ve lost the War on Amphibious Animals

As if things didn’t look bleak enough in pants, the War on Animals took a major blow today. We all know that you are successfully keeping your foe down if they can’t join professional baseball. But now that there has been an amphibious pitcher, it’s only a matter of time before fully aquatic players’ unions force the game to be played entirely underwater.

We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.
We had no idea that all those other pitchers in MLB history only played with one arm.

And just to add insult to injury, his name’s Venditte. That’s right: “Tiny French Thirst for Vengeance.” He just admitted that he is a frog and always intended to set back both baseball and the human race from the very beginning.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

For better health, think outside the box

We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn't raised by what we thought the headline was about.
We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn’t raised by what we thought the headline was about.

There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”

Congratulations, University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.

But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.

Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:

‘Our research plugs that gap.’

Vagina.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, Too Soon?

‘I came here to drink orange juice and shoot butts …’

A dad in Baton Rouge, La., walked into his kitchen on Sunday morning to drink orange juice and shoot butts, only to discover that he was all out of orange juice. After an argument with his 18-year-old son led to a broken vase, police report that he chased his son outside and allegedly fired a handgun three times, hitting him in the buttocks.

Police video forensics have assembled the following reenactment of the altercation that led to the shooting:

The victim should be recovering as his wounds were reported as non-life-threatening. He’s — at the very least — doing as well as anyone with four butt holes can.

| Filed under Facepalm, Headline of the Day, Nostalgia Craze Gone Too Far

Coming Soon: … A collection of plastic moving parts from a recent movie

Coming soon to a desk near you. (We're joking that it's a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto. Yes, like wasps.)
Coming soon to a desk near you. (We’re joking that it’s a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed-up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto.) (Yes, like wasps.)

In case you younger viewers were confused by the piece of sci-fi alien tech that Starlord used in Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s called a tape cassette and actually comes from our own species’ past.

And now, you can buy one, even if you don’t have the means to play it.

SONY DSC
And that’s a good thing because you don’t have the tool to fix your cassette when it eventually unspools.