Lookin’ like a fool with your poop in the pool

DON’T: “Drop the kids off at the pool.”
The CDC investigated 161 pools in and around Atlanta, Ga. and, according to bacterial evidence, somebody squeezed off a dook in over half of them. They found E. coli in 58 percent of all tested pools’ filters, and P. aeroginosa in 59 percent.
The CDC partially blames improper cleaning and maintenance procedures, but also that you — yes, you — are not fooling anybody. We’ve seen you at the bar and know that you go to the bathroom every 30 minutes.
So, what can you do to help prevent the already rising number of pool-illness incidents?
1. Wash that ass. Unwashed perianal regions (that area ranging from your pee parts to your anus, including the taint) contain 0.14 grams of fecal matter on average. So, scrub up with soap before soap before going to the pool — or, for that matter, sitting on shared surfaces or standing upwind from anybody.
2. Stop pooping in the pool. Or peeing. Or farting after eating “complete proteins.” And if you have diarrhea, just imagine there are poop-eating sharks — or shartks — waiting for you.
Thank you for your attention. Hope you have a rad summer.

