Category: Headline of the Day

| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day, Nostalgia Craze Gone Too Far

Coming Soon: … A collection of plastic moving parts from a recent movie

Coming soon to a desk near you. (We're joking that it's a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto. Yes, like wasps.)
Coming soon to a desk near you. (We’re joking that it’s a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed-up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto.) (Yes, like wasps.)

In case you younger viewers were confused by the piece of sci-fi alien tech that Starlord used in Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s called a tape cassette and actually comes from our own species’ past.

And now, you can buy one, even if you don’t have the means to play it.

SONY DSC
And that’s a good thing because you don’t have the tool to fix your cassette when it eventually unspools.
| Posted in Headline of the Day, Profiles in Sadness

NFL QB survives inconvenience that killed some nobody

"Are you ready for some football, America?!"
“Are you ready for some football?!”

Fantasy football team owners, Vegas odds-setters and any remaining, yet inexplicable Detroit Lions fans, don’t worry. A bridge may have collapsed — killing a man — but Lions quarterback Matt Stafford is OK.

To reiterate: a bridge collapsed, a man died, traffic was blocked in both directions on a major highway to remove destroyed infrastructure and what was once a human being. But, most importantly, and what we should put in the headline, is that Matt Stafford, a guy who throws (and sometimes runs with) a football was unharmed.

He was, however, inconvenienced during others’ ultimately futile attempts to treat and prevent a man from dying. However, since he wasn’t involved in those efforts, there’s no point in reporting on them or the person who died.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Hero of the Week: Peter Schorsch

In Starbucks drinkers' defense, they understand charity about as much as they understand coffee.
In Starbucks drinkers’ defense, they understand charity about as much as they understand coffee.

Let us be clear: when we say the Peter Schorsch is a hero this week, we’re not being sarcastic. This isn’t an entry in our occasional “Big Man of the Day” series. We really and truly think that Schorsch was dead on for calling out Starbucks’ unofficially-branded “Pay it Forward” campaign and refusing to buy overpriced coffee for the next person in line.

As Schorsch put it:

‘It just seems like a First World problem to me. Middle-class people sitting in their cars at a drive-thru, sipping a $5 drink and worry about someone breaking the ranks [and not buying the next person in line their coffee.]‘

After all, how did Schorsch learn about this particular location’s “Pay it Forward” streak? From online postings about that Starbucks’ previous day’s streak of 458 people, and then the barista directly asking him if he wanted to buy the next person’s coffee while ordering.

In other words, it wasn’t a spontaneous act of human kindness. And, what’s the damn difference if everyone’s paying for someone else’s cup of coffee as opposed to their own? That’s just buying your own Starbucks while somehow managing to feel even smugger about it. (And that’s despite not knowing how cheap and easy it is to make coffee at home.)

So, bravo, Peter Schorsch! Just be careful the next time you piss off improperly-caffeinated people behind you in line.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

North Korea unveils their snark bomb program, too

When asked about North Korea's comments, Sec. Kerry said he hadn't heard that because he was "listening to a book on tape about Kim Jong Un's mom and her predilection to wearing Army boots."
When asked about North Korea’s comments, Sec. Kerry said he hadn’t heard them because he was “listening to a book on tape about Kim Jong Un’s mom and her predilection to wearing Army boots.”

Perhaps emboldened by the U.S. government’s failure to respond to Egypt’s acerbic attack yesterday, North Korea has revealed their own program to develop a snark bomb.

A spokesperson from the North Korean defense commission referred to U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry as a “wolf” with a “hideous lantern jaw.”

Sort of like with their Dong missiles, the North Koreans have the right — if borrowed — idea (Kerry’s chin), but their execution has fizzled out and crashed mere miles from their own shore.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Egypt unleashes new caustic weapons on U.S.

"As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue."
“As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue.”

Just when the world thought we could rule out Egypt from starting sh*t with the U.S., their Foreign Ministry dropped what may be the nation’s first snark bomb. They urged U.S. security forces in Ferguson, Mo. to “exercise restraint” in dealing with protests after local police reportedly shot an unarmed Michael Brown six times, twice in the head.

U.S. State Department officials are examining Egypt’s weapon of farcical intent to determine the severity of their sarcasm. This investigation includes learning whether the bomb-maker simply read the U.S. government’s 2013 warning to President Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi in a whiny voice and if there are any hidden implications about our moms.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Bertha never had it in her

Dejected outdoor weather reporters can't believe they even put on their rainsuits for what they thought would be the manic pixie dream storm of their dreams.
Dejected outdoor weather reporters can’t believe they even put on their rainsuits for what they thought would finally be their manic pixie dream storm.

U.S. Air Force observers and the National Hurricane Center have downgraded Atlantic storm Bertha back down to a tropical storm and, as she turns away from the eastern coast, deemed her “irrelevant.”

They now believe that Bertha was one of those “cry for attention” hurricanes and suspect she never had it in her to make landfall in Florida.

To console her, weather forecasters in England are waiting for what will inevitably be Gloomy English Weather Bertha with a warm fire, blankets and a kettle of tea.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Can you say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy?

This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South's high rate of diabetes.
This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South’s high rate of diabetes.

If you can say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy — and you’re white and not Catholic or Jewish — then congratulations! You just passed the KKK entrance exam!

The South Carolina-based Loyal White Knights distributed bags of candy, each containing the phone number to their recruitment line, along with standard Fox News talking points about illegal immigration.

The Guys are beginning to suspect that nobody with good intentions ever gives out free candy.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Fast food tacos have no sh*ts left to give

Fast food taco huts are just America's next Waffle House: a perfect end to a late night adventure/contract herpes from corn-based products.
Taco huts are just America’s next Waffle House: a perfect way to contract herpes from corn-based products at the end of a late night adventure.

If you think our nation’s Mexican-themed fast food places are pushovers just because they fold up the same three ingredients for different prices, think again.

One late night pushy Taco Bell customer ate lukewarm stainless steel after harassing an employee at 4 am. According to police, the employee shot the enraged 4th-mealer with a BB gun after the two fought in the parking lot.

And, if the salsa doesn’t give you a weird feeling in your stomach at Chipotle, how about two people having sex on top of it? (OK, so it was on the roof, 6 feet over the salsa. But still: nas-tay.) They were arrested and charged with indecent exposure, lewdness, loitering, resisting arrest (they tried to run) and conspiracy. Police would not confirm if the conspiracy was to steer more people to Moe’s, the least sexy burrito Subway in the world.

One thing is clear from both situations: do not screw with (or on) America’s taco emporiums.