The history of human space exploration is a saga of ingenuity, of smart men and women solving problems based on a limited understanding of the unknown with only a handful of observations and a lot of math. And yet, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was forced to admit that it still hasn’t potty trained your average spacewalker. That, when we send our best and brightest up into the yonder to reach out and touch the face of god, it’s often with a fully loaded adult diaper.
Part of the issue is that NASA has been holding this problem in for way too long, and they’re getting ready to take a very long trip to Mars. Diapers have worked for now in low Earth orbit, mostly because home and a new pair of pants has always been less than a day away. But, the further away you get, the longer astronauts may have to spend in spacesuits should, say, life support go offline.
NASA will give the winner up to (no sh*t) turdy-thousand dollars for their design. There’s apparently no prize for number two, though.
Most of today’s National Dog Day media focuses on how much comfort and companionship dogs provide us, which is a PR nightmare for our ongoing War on Animals. Fortunately, there’s one news agency that isn’t falling for the cuddly animal angle that our enemies push: Fox News.
Originally, the costs of these awkward consultations was to be covered under the Affordable Care Act, but the funding was stripped out of the bill because stupid people who plan to die in shooting range accidents called them “death panels.” Doctors were off the hook … until Medicare stepped in and threw money back at the problem. Which is fine and all, but still doesn’t help them tell someone who thinks their only problem is a wind-socking erection.
Fortunately, The Guys have a solution — one that doctors already know: they can wait old people out. Self-solving problem.
We always wondered what it would be like to talk with animals. It turns out that animals can talk, we just didn’t listen. Fortunately, they finally found the only means of communicating that — as women will attest — The Guys will pay attention to: great tits!
Scientists studied the calls of Japanese great tits (with that distinction, we’re obviously talking about birds) and discovered that they use combinations of chirps to convey complicated messages. Basically, they use syntax — grammar and vocabulary — just like people, albeit with far less of each and fewer stupid rules carried over from Latin.
So, we’re now retroactively offended every time a couple of tits refuse to speak English in front of us. You just know they’re squawking something about the tops of our heads.
Hey, speaking of penis … The Guys don’t know a whole lot (or anything at all) about Kyrgyzstan, but we now know this: don’t call their special delicacy, chuchuk, a horse’s penis. A British employee of Kyrgyzstan’s biggest gold mine learned this the hard way (… eh?) after posting on Facebook that everyone was lined (or “queued” in adorable British-speak) up for their turn at that monster.
It turns out that chuchuk is sausage made from horse meat and intestines, but not dick; c’mon, that would be gross. For disparaging their national dish, he’s been deported with a warning that he could have been charged for a hate crime.
Lori Sforza, a self-proclaimed witch and Head Mother of Our Lord and Lady of the Trinacrian Rose Church, asked for an order to stop the world’s most unfortunately named warlock ever, Christian Day. Sforza said Day used the dark powers of telephony to make harassing calls.
So, if you ever feel like our government can’t do anything these days, at least it can contain the supernatural … or can it?
Happy Halloween from the Guys! And to our Wiccan readers who may or may not be currently navigating our legal system, happy new year!
As if things didn’t look bleak enough in pants, the War on Animals took a major blow today. We all know that you are successfully keeping your foe down if they can’t join professional baseball. But now that there has been an amphibious pitcher, it’s only a matter of time before fully aquatic players’ unions force the game to be played entirely underwater.
And just to add insult to injury, his name’s Venditte. That’s right: “Tiny French Thirst for Vengeance.” He just admitted that he is a frog and always intended to set back both baseball and the human race from the very beginning.