Category: Headline of the Day

| Posted in Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!

Sound health rhymes with ‘heart’

Say what you will about those cowboys, but they’re probably healthier than you. (Now, now. Don’t get mad. You know you don’t have the strength to do anything more than angrily chew your Cheetos.) And the secret to their health? Beans.

Don't let conservatives' horror stories about Canadian socialized medicine discourage you from heeding this serious medical advice.
Don’t let conservatives’ horror stories about Canadian socialized medicine discourage you from heeding this serious dietary advice.

According to Canadian researchers (pictured to the right), a single, daily serving of beans “can reduce levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol, which in turn lowers the risk of heart attacks and stroke.”

And, furthermore, keep eating those beans, and you’ll also develop the ability to play the most musical of fruit. Well, other than gourds. Those things really keep a beat. So, the cymbals of the musical fruit world. Or stand-up bass if you chain a few.

| Posted in Headline of the Day

We wouldn’t leave you hanging with this story

Who hasn't dreamed of being a real life Paul Dano character?
Who hasn’t dreamed of being a real life Paul Dano character?

Nearly two years ago, we reported that Sri Lanka was looking for a few good hangmen. If you were only a sophomore back then and thought this dream job would be filled before you finished your degree, then have we got good news for you: the position is still open.

NOPE.
NOPE. Nope nope nope nope.

Since 2012, the Sri Lankan government has hired three candidates. Two never showed up for their first day. The third went all the way through training and, upon seeing the gallows for the first time, quit right then and there.

Even though Sri Lanka still has not executed anyone since 1976, they’re starting to see a backlog of 405 inmates on death row. If you recall, there were 480 back in August 2012, so it looks like some have either been released or died in incarceration, wasting a perfectly good capital punishment system. In other words, this is one prime opportunity to name your salary (albeit in Sri Lanka rupees).

So, good luck applicants! And try not to think too hard about the frailty of human life while tying your shoelaces.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Schadenfreude (TM), Scurry (Politics)

Is Fox News trying to tell us something?

"We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the War on Christmas."
“We just want Uncle Jerry to live long enough to ruin one more Thanksgiving with rants about the gay agenda.”

Fox News is home to more anger and indignation than one yellow couch can contain, especially for a news channel. And with its early efforts at promoting the Tea Party, including the organization and promotion of several “FNC Tax Day Tea Parties” back in 2009, it’s clearly designed to help you get angry, too.

So, what’s with today’s report that your heart attack risk rises after angry outbursts? Sounds like somebody got some unskewed EKG results.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Zombies

Coroner: ‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’

Unless we dispatch troops to Mississippi immediately, the South will rise again.
Unless we dispatch troops to Mississippi immediately, the South will rise again.

We have a zombie in Mississippi! Repeat: we are officially at ZOMCOM 1 (or 5, whichever is more urgent) due to a zombie found in Mississippi!

78-year-old Walter Williams was tagged, bagged and ready to ride the formaldehyde pony at a funeral home when he started kicking through his body bag. The funeral director and coroner were there to fortunately let him out, which says a lot for their professionalism. The Guys wouldn’t have been able to put our shotguns and chainsaws down long enough to open a zipper.

Holmes County Coroner, Dexter Howard, believes that Williams’ defibrillator may have started his heart up again sometime after being found with no pulse and declared dead. But, they refuse to legally declare him a zombie. So, it looks like Mississippi will drag down the Union once more, only — instead of with low standardized test scores and obesity rates — it will be by refusing to name that which was once living and is now undead.

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Sex Sells

Time to upgrade our text, data plans

We salute Charles Lee Warren for both his serial killer name and for maintaining a fine naval tradition going all the way back to 1996's Down Periscope.
We salute Charles Lee Warren for both his serial killer name and for maintaining a fine naval tradition going all the way back to 1996′s Down Periscope.

The state Supreme Court in Georgia ruled Monday that, while it is a crime to mail unsolicited nude photos of yourself without a warning on the envelope, it is not illegal to do it electronically.

But, let’s not lose focus on the nitty-gritty legal details here. (Although, side note: take caution opening text messages at work from The Guys for at least a week.) The important factor here is that Charles Lee Warren is free to text pictures of his schlong tattoo for as long as he can keep it up. (Keep up his camera.)

True, the married mother of young children who received Warren’s photo either wasn’t impressed or felt threatened, hence her charges. But, aren’t the rest of us just a little curious to see it since it’s tattooed to say, “STRONG E nuf 4 A MAN BUT Made 4 A WOMAN?”

There are so many unanswered questions here. Does it go down the shaft, or around it like the inscription on the One Ring? The phrase is pretty long, but did Warren resort to Prince/Sinead O’Connor title numbers because it isn’t long enough?

In closing: penis.

| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day

Shooting from the hip in the courtroom

Can't fathom walking outside without potentially shooting a "bad guy?" Call the law office of Zimmerman  & That Guy Who Shot Up an SUV in a Parking Lot when you eventually do.
Can’t fathom walking outside without potentially shooting a “bad guy?” Call the law office of Zimmerman & That Guy Who Shot Up an SUV in a Parking Lot when you eventually do.

Not satisfied with being the most hated man in America, George Zimmerman announced that he will pioneer a whole new level of deplorability by becoming a lawyer.

Say what you will about him: any old a**hole could simply rest on his laurels. But, not Mr. Zimmerman. Rather than simply pull the ladder up behind him as King of Dick Mountain, he’s extending a rope down to others who may one day aspire to his level of gratingness:

‘I think that’s the best way to stop the miscarriage of justice that happened to me from happening to someone else. I don’t think it should ever happen to anyone ever again, not one person.’

At least he sort of recognizes that what happened to him (not serving time for shooting an unarmed youth) was miscarriage of justice. Which is why he needs to step up his hooliganry ASAP.