Ever wonder where all those Chuck Norris jokes went after the Internet was finished with them? Eastern Europe. And once a meme goes Eastern European, it doesn’t matter how hard Blizzard (makers of World of Warcraft) tries to bring them back — you don’t want it.
That said, would the Slovaks please, please, please take our “How [blank] sees [blank] …” meme? We’ll throw in Caturday in exchange for some of your finest avant-garde movie posters.
Clive Palmer, an Australian mining magnate, owns a soccer (or football) team. Not only does he own a team, but he founded an expansion team in Football Federation Australia for the expressed purpose of owning one. And after watching game after lackluster game, week after stultifying week since 2008, he’s finally learned what Eriq La Salle already knew in Coming to America: soccer kinda blows.
“‘I don’t even like the game,’ Palmer told Brisbane’s Sunday Mail. ‘I think it’s a hopeless game.'”
Palmer’s comments come after yet another disappointing week in ticket sales in which only 1723 spectators showed up to watch Palmer’s Gold Coast United face the Adelaide United. Even if you disagree with his assessment, you know your sport lacks any spark of interest when teams can’t bother to come up with individual names.
In our ongoing Headline of teh Day series, today we focus on Catholic bishops regaining their clout. we don’t know what power they had, but they want it back!
John Goodman (no, not that one) has completed a tricky legal maneuver known in law circles as adopting your grown-ass girlfriend.
Goodman, who inherited a fortune through the air conditioning business, had access to said fortune restricted while he faces civil and criminal charges for allegedly drunk driving and killing Scott Wilson. His family was cut off from a trust he set up for his biological children, but now his girlfriend/daughter has immediate access to a third of it.
This also allowed for one of the greatest sentences ever written in the history of copy: “The couple has been dating since 2009, and she is now Goodman’s third legal child.” Ewwwwww.
So, did you hear the one about the Polish Colonel who shot himself in the head? He missed.
If you don’t like Polish jokes, did we also mention he’s a lawyer? ‘Cause he is.
In our headline of the day, we found that Newt Gingrich wants it, that way, and that way.
Fremont, California resident and frequent masturbator Trent Arsenault has been ordered by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to cease and desist giving cups of his batter away.
The FDA states that Arsenault must be tested before every sperm donation in accordance with laws on all human fluid donations. However, Arsenault would not be on the hook if, as his grandmother complains, he would just have sex with all these women like a decent Craigslist user.
To date, Arsenault has donated 348 love shots to 46 women who found him online. He describes his process:
“‘It only takes me 15 minutes to do my part,’ he said. ‘They’ll send me a text message, and by the time they get to my house, it’s hot off the press.'”
Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner was offended, saying that this was an obvious jab at the failing paper pornography industry, no matter how many times some photographer convinces a delusional Lindsay Lohan she’s Marilyn Monroe.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is a sad day in the news for boobs.
LifeWay Christian Resource stores, which are part of the Southern Baptist Convention and dot intersections in Alabama like Dunkin Donuts in Boston, have decided that no breasts are worth a single abortion. They will no longer sell pink bibles because a portion of the profits (God needs to get his beak wet, too) from those sales goes to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, who in turn help fund Planned Parenthood’s screening efforts.
While it’s understandable that Lifeway is against abortion — because breast milk makes tits so much bigger — this could spell the end of PP’s “Grope & Mope (over your dead fetus) Tuesday” specials.
But, then there’s today’s Headline of the Day, courtesy of ABC News: “Ta-Ta! Woman’s Body ‘Swallows’ Breast Implant.”
Have a beautiful and bouncy day!
Two things:
People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).
But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.
Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.
*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.
