Category: Historical Hot or Not

| Filed under Historical Hot or Not

It’s a bad week to be King of England from 1509 to 1547

"It is our decree that they hate us 'cause they ain't us."
“It is our decree that they hate us ’cause they ain’t us.”

Henry VIII, by the Grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland, Defender of the Faith and of the Church of England and also of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head, can add one more line to his full title: Least Favorite Monarch of the Historical Writers Association (HWA).

To make matters worse for the guy who inspired the only Herman’s Hermits song that we know, the HWA isn’t made up of historians who write history books. He suffered his sick posthumous burn from people who write historical novels — basically the Mary Sues of the historical fan-fiction world.

And just to make sure that H8nk’s corpse never leaves the burn unit, the HWA awarded Best Favorite Monarch to his daughter, Elizabeth I. Kind of makes all that serial killing and divorcing for the sake of having a male heir seem awfully pointless.

The only silver lining is that we don’t have to put El Ocho on suicide watch.

| Filed under Facepalm, Historical Hot or Not

Your girlfriend smells awesome, bro

Axe Body Spray, which cornered the market on making young men smell like Italians, announced a new spray for women: Anarchy. The advertisement (viewable in the link) maintains Axe’s standard of sensitivity towards women by not explicitly stating that it’s for the vaginal regions.

Personally, we hope to see mirrors of their original ads in which a young woman applies Axe (not necessarily into her baby hole) and is chased down and tackled by a group of young, fratish men. Maybe they’ll do that for their next line of women’s spray, Axe: The Accused.

| Filed under Historical Hot or Not

She knows the pen is mightier

The Guys would like to wish a happy 147th anniversary to Leo and Sophia Tolstoy.

Leo was introduced to Sophia (then) Behrs in 1862  when he was 34 and she was a red hot 18 years old. They married in September that year and had 12 freakin’ children. Had Sophia had her way, they could have had more sex, but Leo refused to use contraception.

As Leo became more and more of an anarchist Gloomy Gus, he left their estate and died on the road in 1910. So, she’s single and rich, gentlemen.

But, we leave it to you, Internet. Sophia Tolstoy: war or peace it?

| Filed under Historical Hot or Not, Sex Sells

Her algebra is off the hook!

The Guys would like to wish a very happy birthday to one very smart lady.

Born today in 1882 in the Bavarian town of Erlagen, she would go on to to make groundbreaking contributions to abstract algebra and theoretical physics. Albert Einstein would later describe her as the most important woman in the history of mathematics.

She may have died in 1935, but we think this little German adding machine can still solve for sex. We put it to you, Internet:

| Filed under Historical Hot or Not, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

You’re a Norse

Archaeologists are now participating in the “Hot or Not: History Edition” game.  The latest candidates are Viking women, who were discovered to wear provocative garments that put their breasts on snack trays.

So when you next encounter a group of women dressed out for a night on the club, don’t say they’re dressed like whores, but like Norse.