Walk like an Egyptian amputee

“Wiggle your big t — oh.”

So, this is pretty cool. Archaeologists found a 3,000-year-old fancy prosthetic big toe in the Sheikh ´Abd el-Qurna tomb in Egypt back in 1997. After studying it, they found that it is remarkably advanced, being able to hold up body weight, flex and help the person it was fitted to walk relatively normally.

It also let the ancient one-percenter daughter of a priest continue wearing flip-flops, demonstrating the world’s oldest recorded case of #firstworldproblems. (Technically, this would be a #newkingdomproblem, amiright?)

So, good news if you need to fake your own ransom for money, time-travelling Bunny Lebowski.

Queen’s knees really the cat’s pajamas

Ancient Egyptian grave robbers were apparently “everything but legs” men.

If you’ve ever wondered why scientists love studying ancient Egypt so much, it’s probably because the case load is so bizarre. (That, and, mummification does make it easier to find out what people actually looked like and did, so take that, Sumerians.) Take, for instance, the mysterious set of disembodied knees in Queen Nefertari’s tomb.

Nefertari’s tomb was ransacked, big time. By the time archaeologists pith-helmeted their way into her burial chamber (diggity), over two-thirds of everything was gone. And we mean everything, because all they found in human remains was maybe one-third of the queen herself.

That’s where it gets even weirder: they couldn’t just assume those were her knees. Theories ranged from they were from another burial before or after Nefertari or possibly even a set of rando knees that washed in from a flood. Because that’s something that just happens outside of New Jersey.

But, with enough evidence, including carbon dating and bone daintiness measurements — whoever had those knees spent a lot of hours reclining — scientists are finally confident enough to say that, yes, these are the Queen’s knees. And she knew how to not use them.

Meanwhile, we’re still looking for King Tut’s erect penis.

It’s a bad week to be King of England from 1509 to 1547

"It is our decree that they hate us 'cause they ain't us."
“It is our decree that they hate us ’cause they ain’t us.”

Henry VIII, by the Grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland, Defender of the Faith and of the Church of England and also of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head, can add one more line to his full title: Least Favorite Monarch of the Historical Writers Association (HWA).

To make matters worse for the guy who inspired the only Herman’s Hermits song that we know, the HWA isn’t made up of historians who write history books. He suffered his sick posthumous burn from people who write historical novels — basically the Mary Sues of the historical fan-fiction world.

And just to make sure that H8nk’s corpse never leaves the burn unit, the HWA awarded Best Favorite Monarch to his daughter, Elizabeth I. Kind of makes all that serial killing and divorcing for the sake of having a male heir seem awfully pointless.

The only silver lining is that we don’t have to put El Ocho on suicide watch.

Your girlfriend smells awesome, bro

Axe Body Spray, which cornered the market on making young men smell like Italians, announced a new spray for women: Anarchy. The advertisement (viewable in the link) maintains Axe’s standard of sensitivity towards women by not explicitly stating that it’s for the vaginal regions.

Personally, we hope to see mirrors of their original ads in which a young woman applies Axe (not necessarily into her baby hole) and is chased down and tackled by a group of young, fratish men. Maybe they’ll do that for their next line of women’s spray, Axe: The Accused.

She knows the pen is mightier

The Guys would like to wish a happy 147th anniversary to Leo and Sophia Tolstoy.

Leo was introduced to Sophia (then) Behrs in 1862  when he was 34 and she was a red hot 18 years old. They married in September that year and had 12 freakin’ children. Had Sophia had her way, they could have had more sex, but Leo refused to use contraception.

As Leo became more and more of an anarchist Gloomy Gus, he left their estate and died on the road in 1910. So, she’s single and rich, gentlemen.

But, we leave it to you, Internet. Sophia Tolstoy: war or peace it?

Her algebra is off the hook!

The Guys would like to wish a very happy birthday to one very smart lady.

Born today in 1882 in the Bavarian town of Erlagen, she would go on to to make groundbreaking contributions to abstract algebra and theoretical physics. Albert Einstein would later describe her as the most important woman in the history of mathematics.

She may have died in 1935, but we think this little German adding machine can still solve for sex. We put it to you, Internet:

You’re a Norse

Archaeologists are now participating in the “Hot or Not: History Edition” game.  The latest candidates are Viking women, who were discovered to wear provocative garments that put their breasts on snack trays.

So when you next encounter a group of women dressed out for a night on the club, don’t say they’re dressed like whores, but like Norse.