Category: How To

We all want to be smarter than our peers, whether at work, at the bar or on your choice of Internet forums. It’s a need we must fill since we can no longer feign offense and duel whenever threatened (stupid anti-killing laws and their activist judges). But if you can’t actually be more intelligent, The Guys have cooked up this definitive guide to sounding more intelligent.

Tools:
Any Radiohead CD, or downloaded music since *scoff* nobody buys CDs anymore
Glasses
A handy thesaurus
Vegan lifestyle
A second job to afford more expensive beer
Awareness of the UK

1) Listen to Radiohead. Everyone knows geniuses listen to Radiohead. Bring it up in conversation as much as possible because geniuses require street cred and Nickelback won’t cut the mustard.

2) Wear glasses. Whether they are smart and sassy lightweight frames or thick Rivers Cuomo birth control devices, you will instantly appear smarter. If you are trying to appear smarter online, make your avatar a picture of you in your spectacles. To accentuate the point, use ::actions:: to stress your bespectacled nature.

Example:
::cleans glasses to make sure he read that right:: you actually think canada’s health system works? have you even seen “kids in the hall?”

3) Adopt a vegan lifestyle. Nothing sets you apart from all of your contemporary dullards like moral superiority. Whenever you discover an animal abuse case, bring it to everyone’s attention and mention your lifestyle. Animal abuses include: clubbing mammals, wearing fur, eating meat, selling cats in jars and casually mentioning or joking about any of the following.

4) Always use the bigger word. Every so often, you will accidentally use a smaller, simpler word to make your point. So long as you haven’t hit the “submit” button, you still have a chance. Consult your thesaurus and look for the bigger–and, therefore, better–word. A handy rule of thumb is to opt for vowels ending in “-ize.” Instead of “use”, say “utilize.” And why say “changed” when your mailing address could have “evolved?”

5) Never admit you watch television. Television is what the ordinary masses watch, not geniuses. Like your admiration for Radiohead, bring up your non-television viewing habits as much as possible.

Addendum: It is acceptable to say you watch television if it is to only watch PBS, Discovery, the History Channel, C-SPAN Books or foreign language channels. The news is still unacceptable because geniuses read The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal for current events.

6) Become a beer snob. This is a must. The bourgeoisie and proletariats drink Bud Light, so you must change your drinking habits to reflect an assumed worldliness. Unfortunately, tastes require a gradual cultivation. Start with Guinness, although it may be difficult to stomach without Jameson’s and Bailey’s. Then find a independently owned beer and wine shop, and purchase micro brew sample packs (notice I said “purchase” and not “buy”). Whether you adopt dark, hop-heavy or even Miller High Life clones that cost more, always point out the unrecognizable label and advise others where to find it. That’s how they know that you’re even a smarter drinker.

7) No matter the situation, offer advice. And when you do so, consider “offer” to be a euphemism. You’ve been everywhere and observed everything, so there is nothing under the sun that you can’t advise on. If someone complains of a headache, ask where it hurts, indicating what part of the brain is effected and what might cause that. When someone is going to buy a house, explain interest rates and the current status of the market to them. Advise military officers as to why their strategies are failing and what to do instead. Even if you are a male, you will explain your girlfriend’s reproductive organs to her.

8) Try to sound as British as possible. When you make a joke, do it in the accent, especially if it’s one of your killer puns. Also, use popular British English modifiers, such as “quite” and “rather,” instead of “very” or “much.” When writing, use British spellings as much as possible: “colour.” If possible, use their pronunciations for aluminium, or spell them out phonetically. You get bonus genius points if you use the character map to bullet point the syllables in your phonetic spelling.

Now, go forth and be smug, you genius you. You may not have earned it, but you’ll convince others that you have.

It happens to even the most seasoned of bar flies. When you first walked into the bar, everyone was making fun of the people who were dumb enough to be up there singing karaoke. Now a few drinks in, that fat guy up there really sounds like Aretha Franklin, and aside from the goatee, is starting to look like her. Before you know it, your name is called to go up, even though you never signed up. Here’s how to survive karaoke without committing hara-kiri.

Tools:
Vocal chords
Microphone
Cash
Cellular phone
Beverage

1) Bring a bunch of people up with you. This is always your best bet. As your friends shove you to the stage, latch on to as many people as you can. You might as well make them sing with you, after all, it was those bastards who signed you up for it as a lark in the first place. When you have a group, there are more voices to drown your own out, more so, there are rarely more than two microphones available, so you can opt not to sing into one as your friends croon. Let’s just hope this is the farewell tour and not the reunion.

2) Come up with a good excuse. What’s that guys? I’m next up for karaoke? But I was just about to get up and order us a round of shots. Why don’t one of you cover for me? That’s how you do it. Think of a good enough reason to be somewhere else at that moment. The more likely it is to benefit your friends, the more forgiving they will be and let you out of your much-anticipated acoustic show. Faking an important cell phone call is another classic. It not only is easy to pull off and saves you from explaining until you get back, but it gets you out of that loud barroom for as long as you please.

3) Improvise like it’s your job. Alright, you suck at singing, or at least you know you’re not good enough to be performing in front of a live audience, so it’s time to get the crowd going. This is a trait of all the best lead singers in history. During a concert, does the lead singer come out, sing the song as he stares at a television screen, looking like he wants to soil himself? No. Only Mick Jagger does that, and it’s not from nerves. While the intro is playing, get the crowd pumped–scream into the mic, only coherent at times. Tell everyone to hold their drinks up and take a swig with you. If you get them on your side early, there’s a better chance they won’t be throwing rotten tomatoes at you later, or at least they will throw fresh ones.

4) Sing “Low Rider.” It’s a pretty easy song originally performed by War. There are only a few notes, no complicated rhythms, repetitive lyrics and long jam sessions. Even if you have had pieces of your brain removed for scientific experimentation you can easily handle this song. What’s that? The karaoke DJ has another song all queued up? Tough cookies, bub. The people want to hear “Low Rider,” and by all that is inebriated, that’s what the people are going to get!

So there you have it. Commit these tips to memory, because you would look kind of pathetic if you printed this out and brought it out with you. Go out and show them you can duck their lame attempts at pranks, and don’t hang around for an encore.

If recent news has shown us anything, it’s that staying in jail is hard to do. Apparently the stark, cramped setting we call prison is–get this–depressing. Without the proper preparations, you may find your self sobbing inconsolably, losing weight, finding religion and calling Barbara Walters. The Guys find that almost as disturbing as what they do to fresh fish, so here’s our how-to guide on serving your jail sentence in full.

Tools:
Anus
Prison Stationary (Toilet Paper can substitute)
Pen (Blood can substitute)
Laziness
Magic Marker or Chisel (Blood can substitute again)
Ability to grow facial hair

1) Show up. According to most experts, showing up is 90% of any effort. This is especially true for jail since your only job is to be there … and the stamping the occasional license plate.

2) Stay there. Seriously, where do you expect to go? It’s not like this is the 1930s. You know they’re building a fence around Mexico, right? Just think of it like a dorm room, with the promise to your parents that you’ll stay there until you can afford a crappy apartment (i.e., a halfway house).

3) Smuggle things in your anus. We know you promised yourself to never do that again after that night in college, but how else can you sneak stuff in? We suggest the following criteria for determining what does or does not go “where the sun don’t shine:” is it smaller than a breadbox, and will lubrication ruin it?

4) Get a pen pal. We suggest a former sex offender teacher. They want a relationship in which they are in control, (presumably) know how to write, and seem pretty perverted. You are in a nine-by-nine box with no outside access, can learn to write now that you have no internet, and are definitely perverted. It’s a win-win situation.

5) Do not find religion. New religions are like new puppies. Sure, they’re cute, but they also generate a lot of poop. Puppies expect you to clean up after them; religions demand it. Not only that, but you’re already in jail. What if you pick the wrong religion and wind up in Hell, too? Just mind your P’s and Q’s, buster, and you can sort out the afterlife once you’re out.

6) Do not volunteer for a worker program. What the hell are these people thinking? The state’s already feeding you, clothing you, and providing a place to sleep and workout. What do you need to work for? Is there a strip mall in the exercise yard? Use this as a vacation from adult life, once again, like college.

7) Count your days with hash marks. There’s a prison cliche that needs to come back. If you’re only serving a few weeks for embezzlement, then count the hours. If possible, grow a beard like the Count of Monte Cristo. Stylin’!

Alright, you should be all prepared for the big house. Just keep an eye out for those celebrity prisoners: they’re pretty emo. And in the words of Office Space, “Watch your cornhole.” Unless, of course, you’ve got a iPhone in there.

If there’s any life lesson rarely passed along to children, it’s how to unclasp a bra … with, hopefully, dignity. Since parents don’t realize that kids already get the biological parts explained to them at school and in prison, they often skip the steps leading up to a home run. After all, there are three bases on the way to home plate and you have to touch each bag, and most batters will only reach second during their early careers. In order to fill this gap in your education, the Guys are stepping up to the coach’s corner.

Please note that this How To is not just for guys. We like to think this guide will also be helpful to lesbians and women dating transvestites.

Tools:

• Hands
• Teeth
• Derring-do

Instructions:

1. Locate the clasp of the bra. As sex is a death sport (see our future How To on avoiding the HIV), most of your introductory interaction is face-to-face, so you will need to fumble around the back for the tell-tale signs of a dorsal clasp: (a) an overlapping seam where the two straps meet, and (b) the hooks and latches, typically arrayed in 2 or 3 columns and rows.

If no such apparatuses (apparati?) are found, direct your probe to the front between the cups. If the bra is, indeed, front-clasping, then proceed to step 5.

2. Remember that bras are like Zippo lighters. The more panache you show in opening one, the more deserving you are of what’s inside (in both cases, fire). You must, therefore, attempt it one-handed before moving on to two-handed approaches.

a. Place your choice of index, middle, or both fingers between the clasp and skin.

b. Place your thumb over the clasp.

c. Apply pressure between your thumb and finger(s) and slide your thumb towards the seam. This motion is similar to a snapping motion, only without the embarrassment of looking like an extra from West Side Story.

d. Repeat only once if method fails. The only thing less sexy than ineptitude is persistent ineptitude.

3. Should step 2 fail, then you’ll have to resort to a two-handed method. There’s no shame, so long as you get this on the first try.

a. Grasp the bottom strap near the clasp with your thumb between the strap and skin.

b. Grasp the top strap immediately over the clasp.

c. Test the hooks lightly to make sure you won’t manhandle the operation, bear-hugging the wearer with underwire.

d. Slide the hooks out of the latches.

e. Do not repeat if method fails.

4. If the two-hand method fails, then resort to brute force. Sure, you’ll look like an idiot with a broken bra in your hands, but whoever said that Conan isn’t a stud?

a. Grasp each strap firmly in both hands.

b. Say a brief, private prayer. Wait, no. You’re probably committing a sin, so any prayer will be either ignored or answered with hilarious consequences.

c. Yank for all you’re worth.

d. Present the former wearer with a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret afterwards. You’re a beast and a financially responsible provider.

5. Should the bra be fastened in the front, please say you didn’t try steps 1-4. If you did and step 4 worked, way to be. Otherwise, fold the bra between the cups inward to towards the wearer’s chest. Slide the interlaced hooks apart in opposing vertical motions.

Congratulations! Assuming this was consensual, you should now be the proud witness of a bare chest. For a how-to regarding third base, consult your local library’s self-help section. Happy belated Mammorial Day!

In today’s topsy-turvy, geopolitically-ambitious and zealotry-driven world, you never know when you will be face-to-face with a ticking time bomb. No, we don’t mean the allegorical one that plagues every man, waiting within to destroy all we know and love. We mean the one that plagues Jack Bauer and James Bond, waiting without to destroy their five-o’clock shadow and cool wristwatches. That’s why we’re teaching you how to defuse a bomb.

Tools:
Fresh underwear (as many pairs as needed)
Swiss Army Knife — should have Phillips and flat head screwdrivers (little scissors are optional, but kinda prissy)
Handkerchief
You — yes, you … are a tool.
Someone you care about/have sex with (unless any of the above apply)

1. Determine the origin of the bomb, and then mutter a witty remark using the bomb’s maker as the punchline. For example: If the bomb was set by Al Qaeda, you say, “I Qaeda wanna get out of here.” If it was set by someone younger than you, you say, “I’m getting too old for this s–t.” And if it was set by former two non-consecutive terms President James Garfield, you say, “I hate Mondays.”

2. Change underwear as necessary. And be honest about it: the woman or Swiss Army Knife you love is there for what may very well be your last moment on Earth together.

3. Using the Swiss Army Knife (that you may or may not love) screwdrivers, open the panel that accesses wires and components within. Don’t forget about step 2.

4. Stare intently at the three wires. This is to convince the person/knife you love that you are perfectly capable of analyzing the inner workings of the bomb and that your mutual safety is assured. In reality, you will use either “Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” or “One Potato” to choose which wire to cut first.

WARNING: Do not use “Bubblegum Bubblegum in a Dish” to eliminate wires as they are wires and cannot tell you how many pieces they do, in fact, wish.

5. Once you have chosen the first wire to cut, mutter a witty remark that makes light of your potential explosion. For example: “Here goes everything.”

WARNING: Do not use this or any step to tell the person/appliance of your fancy that you love them. I mean, what if they don’t feel the same way? That’s just selfish.

6. Cut that wire. Closing your eyes may be necessary to heighten tension.

7. Repeat steps 4 through 6 — and possibly step 2 — until timer stops or bomb detonates.

8. Should you actually defuse the bomb, casually wait for the bomb squad to arrive. Loudly mutter a witty remark about their tardiness. For example: “Welcome to the party, boys. It’s dy-no-mite!”

9. Walk away with the person/multifunctional utility that you adore, knowing that you have prevailed in defending life, liberty, and the pursuit of sex.

How To is a new feature for SG. It’s not going to have any regularity to it. We just figured since we’re Guys, we know how to do everything, or at least think we do. So enjoy, and as always, we would love to hear feedback.

1) Pull over. You hear your tire pop, or perhaps you don’t. You just notice your car is suddenly tipping to one side. Better check it out. If you are in a bad neighborhood, it might be a better idea to ride the rims to a gas station. If you pull over, examine all of the tires closely. The one you need to change is probably the one without air.

2) Get out the tools. Time to get to work. Open your trunk, find the spare tire and a wrench. IF you don’t have those. Take out your cell phone and call a tow truck.

3) Look as butch as possible. This applies to both women and men. When you’re changing a tire, you need to look as manly as possible. Puff out your shoulders, look mean, then attack the tire. Use the wrench to unscrew the doohickeys from the wheel. While you are doing this, it is advisable to lie down partially in the street. This will call the attention of passing drivers to your macho act, thus keeping you safe.

4) Take the tire off. Really, if you don’t get this one, you have no business changing a tire.

5) Curse. It is at this point you should realize you should have also had a jack to lift your car up. You have just messed up your car. Since you don’t have a jack, it’s time to have some Jack.