Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Study: Quarter of British men are pussies

And at least one American.
And at least one American.

It’s been a while since we were in high school, so the lessons from sex ed might be a little rusty. But we’re fairly certain that dudes don’t get periods. Not all British men understand that.

According to a new study, 26% of British men believe that side effects similar to what women experience with PMS. These men, who do not have lady reproductive systems, say they experience tiredness, cramps and moodiness. A whopping 58% of those guys’ female partners said they agreed with that assessment.

Folks, if I guy is tired, has cramps and seems really irritable, he’s not man-ragging, he’s hung over.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Cold and flu season just got a little hotter

Tough luck, babies. We didn't have kids to make friends.
Tough luck, babies. We didn’t have kids to make friends.

What do we have in common with the turkeys we’re about to cook next week? What? No, we didn’t even notice your warbler. It’s that the most accurate way to take our temperature is through the flesh. Or, if you don’t want to stab someone (Dr. Carson), in da’ butt.

New research indicates that temperature readings taken orally, aurally (ear holes, man) or in the underarm are not nearly as accurate as ones taken in the butt or through other internal means like catheters. So, it’s your choice: butthole or peeho — right, of course: the butt.

So, remember: starve a cold, but feed a fever. Anally.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Science: Stop with the sex already

Ready to have your day ruined? Good, because we’re about to do just that.

According to a a recent study, you will never be more satisfied with your sex life than when you are getting it only once a week. We’ll repeat that: Once a week is the peak of sexual happiness. Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied couples sexual habits, and found that both parties reported the most satisfaction, all things considered, when they were knocking boots only once every seven days. Any higher frequency, and things just weren’t as great. We don’t need to tell you that less than once a week didn’t make people happy, either. This is the second study in recent months telling us to cool it between the sheets. But what does science know?

But that’s probably just as well, because chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis are on the rise in the U.S. for the first time since 2006. We blame retirement homes. Hope you weren’t eating while reading this.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Women are Mysterious

Human species continues despite men’s best attempts

Try to control yourselves, ladies. You're still on the clock.
Try to control yourselves, ladies. You’re still on the clock.

Guys are just … not good at meeting and impressing women. Maybe because we’re not friends with a lot of women, we’ve developed some bizarre ideas about what women are, much less what they’re looking for in a man. That’s how we’ve mistakenly latched onto fashion trends like mustaches and skinny jeans — because nobody polled women. (And now none of us are polling women. Thanks a lot, Banana Republic.)

That’s why it’s no surprise that men took the old wives tale (after all, old wives were once MILFs and, before that, regular chicks) that the fastest way to our hearts is through our stomachs and applied the transitive property to it. Therefore, if the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (A to B), then through our stomach is the fastest way to a woman’s heart (B to C).

And that’s why we eat 93 percent more pizza in front of women we want to impress than we do with male friends. It sort of makes sense: women really respect a man who can chow down on pie … right?

What was really surprising, though, is that men eat 86 percent more salad with women than with other men. We were pretty sure that would be at least 100 percent more with women since male salad-eating just does not happen otherwise.

Also surprising? That the human species is still overpopulating the planet.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Study: You people are gross

If you use someone else’s shower, you may want to bring your own bleach.

According to a recent study, 61% of Americans say they pee in the shower. Yes, most people think it’s acceptable to relieve themselves in the same place that they and others clean their bodies. Folks, it’s undeniable that there’s a convenience factor in emptying the tank in the shower, but the ability to control our bladders and not just go where we’re not supposed to is what separates us from wild beasts.

The survey also found that 41% pee in pools, which you may note, is also not a toilet, you animals.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Your dad bod is killing you

You'll notice that, around the 1500s, God stopped appearing shirtless in frescoes. Maybe he's punishing dad bod out of self-loathing?
You’ll notice that, around the 1500s, God stopped appearing shirtless in frescoes. Maybe he’s punishing dad bod out of self-loathing? #godbod

As a rule, The Guys never put away the list of things that are killing us. Mostly because we can’t — something else always pops up just when we’re about to roll it up and put it away. (Yes, we record everything on scrolls. We upgraded from clay tablets last year.) Well, we’ve got a new entry: belly fat.

New research indicates that carrying weight around the midsection puts people at higher risk of dying than being obese, even if we’re at the normal weight for our height. People with a worse waist-to-hip ratio have the worst chances for long-term survival, even after controlling for age and BMI and regardless of gender. (So, real dead women have curves.)

Further studies are needed to determine why specifically the dad bod is more lethal than the Belushi body, but the current theory is that fat surrounding and intertwining the organs in the abdominal cavity puts people at greater risk for diabetes and other health complications.

So, it’s official: God hates your dad bod. This might be the most potent thumbs-downing of a slow-summer Internet trend by a deity since Echo drowned Narcissus for inventing the selfie.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Our climate is wallaby darned

Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.
Thanks a lot for promoting pseudoscience and your pro-kangaroo agenda, Hollyweird.

The next time that friend who always makes your eyes roll goes on and on about how kangaroo farts are somehow good for us, tell ’em to choke on it.

Yeah, contrary to what well-meaning kangaroo-huffers have been telling us, kangaroo farts are no safer than cow farts. Given the same amount of food, those giant, hopping rats produce the same amount of methane, so we might as well all go back to sucking farts out of cows for our highs.

Next up from science: girls do fart, and it’s worse because periods.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Comet Lovejoy is a ball of booze

Somewhere out in space there’s a whole lot of booze. This is why we have a space program.

According to a recent report, Comet Lovejoy is basically made of alcohol and simple sugar. Sure, the comet is also made of rock, but apparently it’s covered with the makings of a great cocktail. Scientists say the two drink ingredients are also some of the building blocks of life.

So the next time you’re feeling low on life, throw some building blocks in a glass and enjoy.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

U.S. military training robots to replace jazz musicians

A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.

Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Your great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather didn’t evolve for you *not* to punch something

... and you'll never stop punching things.
… and you’ll never stop punching things.

Every century, fewer and fewer humans commit violence. That we are less violent than ever seems contrary to news reports, but that’s only because the media got to be more selective over which murders made press than now. Now, nearly any murder or assault is ink-worthy … unless it happens in one of those neighborhoods, of course. (You know which ones. The ones your favorite sports teams moved out of while keeping the city in their name.)

Overall, that’s a good thing, unless you’re one of millions of disappointed ancestors who broke a lot of fingers evolving the perfect fist for you not to use, you ingrates.

Researchers literally armed with the arms of corpses tested out various had positions for striking things and learned that we specifically evolved to safely inflict the most harm on each other (and fix old televisions) with a closed fist. The bones and muscles necessary to make this shape as well as be dexterous enough to gather roots and brush our teeth became a consciously desirable trait for generations of breeding, all of which led to you.

See? Boxers are too evolved!
See? Boxers are too evolved!

So, what/who have you punched lately? Don’t make your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Ug skip inventing the wheel and fire to build a time machine and slap you upside the head.