Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Foolish scientists discover ancient Black Death bacteria


Scientists have found a 20-million-year-old flea preserved in amber. And just like the researchers in Jurassic Park, what the ancient insect holds will prove to be nothing but bad for humanity.

According to a new study, the flea has ancient bacteria on its mouth and butt parts. Not just any bacteria, it’s an ancient strain of the Black Death. Yes, scientists have found the granddaddy of the disease that killed millions of humans in the 1300s, and continues to kill even today. Researchers now wonder if this old version of the plague was killing off species long before we humans ever made it.

It’s only a matter of time before these so-called scientists accidentally release the proto-plague and kill us all. It was foretold in the super blood moon eclipse.

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Pandas endanger smart cars

If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they're supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.
If you thought Smart Cars were slow before, just wait until they’re supercharged up to Panda Grazing Speed.

Even though The Guys hate our animal foes and will stop at nothing to eradicate them in our War on Animals, we also respect them. We respect them because they’re worthy foes. Well, except the panda. But, we also respect them because there are certain things they can do better than us. Well, except the panda again.

Scientists in Belgium noticed that pandas can almost digest raw bamboo. Sure, they lack the energy to mate or maul a zookeeper like a proper bear, but, yes, they digest it. So, they’re studying panda poo to find out how their gut enzymes churn out a subsistence level of energy to improve biofuels.

If this isn’t a damning indictment of our current biofuels, then we don’t know what is.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Study: You were hotter when you were 24, ladies

Ladies, you’re all beautiful, no matter what your age. Unfortunately, guys think your attractiveness goes down once you hit 25. We’re not saying it, data is saying it.

Christian Rudder co-founded dating site OKCupid, and he’s got a whole lot of data about what his customers have said they look for in a potential mate over the years. The data shows that women find men attractive generally near their age, maybe a year or two younger. But to men aged 20 to 50, women look their most attractive between 20 and 24. Every single age group said this. It doesn’t mean men don’t find women attractive when they are 25 or older, just that they probably wish they met those women back when they were fresh out of college.

So ladies, make sure to find The One by age 26 or so, or say hello to spinsterhood.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Liars usually have their legs crossed

If someone tells you they need to pee, that may be the only honest thing they’ve said in the conversation, according to a new study.

Researchers at California State University found that if your bladder is full, you’re generally better at lying. Two groups of students were asked to drink water, one group had to drink more than the other, and lie about strong opinions they have. Scientists aren’t really sure why this is, they just know that having to take a leak is connected with lower inhibitions.

Just think about how low your inhibitions are when you’re drunk and need to relieve yourself.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Scientists unearth 30,000-year-old virus, doomsday imminent

Avid readers of this site will know that The Guys aren’t ones to sound the alarm over any old thing. But today we suggest you make your peace with your maker. Things are about to get bumpy.

Scientists are about to move a recently-discovered virus that’s lain frozen and buried in Siberian permafrost. The virus is gigantic in size compared to viruses we all know and catch — and it’s also 30,000 years old. Researchers claim that the virus poses no threat to humans, or civilization, but if you had the end of the world in your hands, wouldn’t you say the same thing?

The only bright side here is that if science ever gets around to cloning wooly mammoths, we can defeat them with germ warfare.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Keep your hands off the sexy robots, scientists say

The world's first sex machine.
The world’s first sex machine.

Admit it, you’ve thought about banging C-3PO. And that’s exactly what scientists are worried about.

While the scientific community is afraid that machines will one day rise up and enslave us, it’s also worried that we’re going to use them for sex until then. (That would kind of justify their uprising, now that we think about it.) Researchers Kathleen Richardson and Erik Billing have launched the Campaign Against Sex Robots, which isn’t even a fun acronym. They want to spread the word that creating pleasurebots may not be the best thing for humanity.

“The danger of sex robots … [is] a reality — a reality where the human (male) user is expected to turn on his woman robot companion for his own, lone, pleasure. I think most of us would agree that this is very far from a healthy, mutual, sexual relationship,” said Billing.

Woah, “relationship?” This was supposed to be purely about sex. No one likes a clingy robot.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Birds stealing our plastic

Seabirds are trying to deny our access to strategic plastic reserves for nefarious reasons.
Seabirds are trying to deny our access to strategic plastic reserves for nefarious reasons.

Humanity has one advantage over beasts in the War on Animals: while each animal is only good at one or two things, we’re kind of great at everything thanks to our brains and technology. Fish can swim underwater; we can swim underwater and use spear guns. Bears can sh*t in the woods; we can sh*t in the woods while watching ESPN on our phones. Birds can fly; we can fly and consume as much plastic as we wa —

OK, not so fast, people.

Imagine this, but with shooting.
Imagine this, but with shooting.

Birds have recognized our advantage over them and now consume more plastic than ever. Scientists believe that 90 percent of seabirds are, at this very moment, hording our precious plastic reserves in the southern Atlantic, southern Pacific and Indian Oceans. That’s all the real oceans (because the Arctic is only where polar bears do “it”)! And, by 2020, up to 99 percent of seabirds will be at it.

Fellow humans, we don’t need to remind you what we make out of plastic (but we’re going to, anyway): guns, plastic packaging for new guns and plastic wrap for leftover guns. We’re a very short countdown away from seabirds spraying down our beaches with bullets. A veritable Legion of Boom that can only trash-talk in “caws.”

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Proving your worth, one teaspoon at a time

"I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I'm barely a man at all."
“I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I’m barely a man at all.”

As if things weren’t bad enough for Britain with Germany showing it up, their sperm banks aren’t helping. In an entire year, Britain’s national sperm bank has only drummed up nine total donors. Nine. As in not 90, 900 or even 9,000. Nine British men with British genetics.

So, to somehow bring out the best in British manhood, the bank is trying a new ad campaign: daring British men to “prove your worth, show [Laura Witjens, the chief executive] how good you are.”

Now, as guys, The Guys understand a few things about guys. We all revere and kind of hope that Arnold Schwarzenegger is our real dad. We all pretend to understand the rules to every sport a lot more than we actually do. And we don’t use our semen to prove our manliness — no matter how literal of a virility test that would be.

What we’re saying is, Ms. Witjens, you’re more likely to get a lot of guys to bench press, skip rocks, or open pickle jars outside of your sperm bank than hand you cups of baby batter.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

You need another excuse for your drunken hook-up

Remember that time you went home with that girl at the bar, only to find the next morning she didn’t look as good as she did when you were drunk? Science says you’re making that up.

According to a recent study in Bristol, England, there may be no such thing as beer goggles after all. Researchers conducted a study of patrons of three pubs in town where they showed people images of faces and asked for their attractiveness rating, then they measured their BAC. The study was kind of like a drunken Hot or Not throwback. They found no clear correlation between the attractiveness ratings a person gave and the amount of booze in their bloodstream.

Some say the study shows that lowered inhibitions and lower standards could make the drunken hook-ups happen.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Robot cannot hold its lunch down

Robots are becoming smarter all the time. They can learn, they can communicate, and they can even dream. Now, they can vomit.

For centuries, the difference between living things and non-living things was the ability to vomit, we think. Now, it appears we’ve created yet another robot in our own image, and it acts like it’s been out all night drinking. Researchers in North Carolina have made a robot whose sole purpose is to throw up green Jell-O to illustrate that you can spread viruses by vomiting, too.

Great, thanks guys.