Category: It Must Be Science!

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

The fame will kill you

Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.

No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.

Enjoy your long life being a nobody.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Herpes: now with plausible deniability

"Hey, baby. How's about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?"
“Hey, baby. How’s about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?”

If you’re embarrassed about your case of herpes, don’t worry. In a couple of decades, you’ll forget you ever got them. That’s because the antibodies associated with the herpes simplex virus has been linked to Alzheimer’s disease.

Two separate studies found that herpes may cause 40 to 50 percent of Alzheimer’s cases, although that could be because the people getting herpes already for got to wear a condom or not kiss people whose lips look like Krakatoa.

Paired with today’s earlier news about booze helping your memory in later years — and we all know what happens when you drink: herpes — your chances of retiring with an unimpaired brain are now a wash.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

It’s official: sex isn’t crap

It's also the Scots' fault when you have to hold hands and "make love for once."
It’s also the Scots’ fault when you have to hold hands and “make love for once.”

Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.

Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-‘em-and-I’ll-spray-‘em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.

Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style:  Continue reading

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, WE DID IT!

This is the dawning of the age of the anthropocene

Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!
Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!

Get out your hippie skirts and aerosol cans: it’s time to dance amongst the tree trunks in deforested plains and skinny dip in the aquatic dead zones. We’re celebrating because this is the dawning of the age of the Anthropocence, age of the Anthropocene. Anthropo-ceeeeeeeeene! An-throoooo-po-ceeeeeeeeeeene!

The American Association for the Advancement of Science, along with astronaut and associate administrator for science at NASA John Grunsfeld, have coined the term for our current era. It is based on the period of time where humanity has directly impacted the climate, ozone, nitrogen and phosphorous cycles, oceans, endocrine disruptors and forests — all of which is now observable from space.

So, congratulations, humans! We’ve made our mark! Eat it, Holocene Period! You can go pound sedentary with those loser Pleistocenes!

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Killer whales may be listening to you right now

It’s just bad news after bad news for this one. Prepare yourselves, everyone.

Bad news: Studies have found that at least two species of animals can learn each other’s languages.

Worse news: The orca (you know, killer whales) can understand and speak the language of bottlenose dolphins.

The worst news: These bilingual monsters are captive, which means they have access to humans. And that means they could learn our languages, too.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

What’s good for the goose’s hoo-haw

This is a severe blow against the future codpiece industry jobs market that we were promised.
This is a severe blow against the future codpiece industry jobs market that we were promised.

It’s been over a year since we reported that lab workers began successfully growing replacement vaginas. They’re still doing that, by the way, which has helped treat teenage women with medical conditions.

And now, we have the “his” model. Yes, we can nearly create and transplant lab-grown penises. It’s meant for males experiencing similar birth defects, but we’re positive that this medical breakthrough will in no way be exploited by the old, rich and horny.

But, if you are planning to shell out for an upgrade, it’s gonna be a little wait. The line starts forming for the iPud in five years while researchers continue to work the kinks out.

The kinks are in the shaft, by the way.

 

Penis.

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Drink yourself to fitness

If you would rather do 12-ounce curls at a bar than lift weights in a gym, science is here to make you feel good about your life choices.

According to a recent study, you can probably just have some wine to get the same benefits of working out. Resveratrol, a compound found in red wine, was found to improve heart function, as well as muscle strength, which you might notice are some benefits of exercising.

Even better, mix some vodka in with your sports drink when you go to the gym and get double the benefits.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Ain’t that a kick in the aspartame?

But only if you hate her or stand to inherit a lot of money when she passes, you monster.
But only if you hate her or stand to inherit a lot of money when she passes, you monster.

If you’ve been drinking diet soda for a long time (as in, the “diet” part still hasn’t worked after all these years), it could be because you’re one of the people who can now process artificial sweeteners like regular sugar. And not only can you digest them, but they may be actually worse for you, increasing your likelihood of gaining weight or developing type 2 diabetes.

So, who’s to blame?

  • Soda companies, for deceptively marketing their drinks as dietary? No. It’s not their fault people decided that drinking brown sugarless water would bring about the same results as not drinking any brown water at all.
  • Doctors, for not figuring this out sooner? No. Did you read the part where people needed to get healthy and, rather than drink water and maybe exercise, drank something else from soft drink companies?
  • Animals? Sort of!

It turns out that artificial sweeteners would have worked if it weren’t for bacteria in our biomes. Aspartame, sucralose and saccharine should have been undigestible — merely sweetening our beverages in our mouths before moving on directly to Toilet Town. But now certain ones can use artificial sweeteners to raise blood sugar levels two- to fourfold.

And, yes, we know that — technically — bacteria aren’t animals. But we aren’t winning the War on Animals by being discerning now, are we, eggheads?

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Your boss may be a psycho

You hate your boss. You think he or she does a terrible job of managing employees, and that you could do a better job. More so, you think your boss is a psycho. You may not be wrong on that last one.

According to a peer-reviewed study by an undergraduate student, there could be a higher level of psychopaths in managerial positions because they are able to manipulate tests that companies give in ways that hide their true nature. So if your boss is manipulative, lacking of empathy, and a known liar, you may just have psychopath for a boss. We don’t suggest comparing business cards with them.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Too Soon?

Sun’s out, guns out

Going goth may just save your life.
Going goth may just save your life.

If you’ve ever wondered why repeated listenings to Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” have driven you to suicidal thoughts (Just me? OK.), statistics may now know why.

According to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry and data collected by the CDC, there is “a positive association between the number of suicides on a particular day and the hours of sunshine,” meaning more people kill themselves on sunny days.

We’re also more likely to do it in the spring, while December has the fewest suicides of all months. So, take that Holiday Seasonal Affective Disorder and shove it to Easter. Which, when you think about it, is the more depressing holiday season between Mardi Gras STIs, Lent, crucifixions and rabbits that lay eggs.

Researchers aren’t sure why the sun drives us to offing ourselves, but one factor may be light itself. Increased light improves our drive to do things and decreases our serotonin transferrals, making us even more impulsive. So, if you’re depressed, stay indoors!

… Oh, you’re already walled up inside of your home with the windows taped shut? Good.