Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.
No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.
Two separate studies found that herpes may cause 40 to 50 percent of Alzheimer’s cases, although that could be because the people getting herpes already for got to wear a condom or not kiss people whose lips look like Krakatoa.
Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.
Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-‘em-and-I’ll-spray-‘em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.
Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style: Continue reading →
Get out your hippie skirts and aerosol cans: it’s time to dance amongst the tree trunks in deforested plains and skinny dip in the aquatic dead zones. We’re celebrating because this is the dawning of the age of the Anthropocence, age of the Anthropocene. Anthropo-ceeeeeeeeene! An-throoooo-po-ceeeeeeeeeeene!
The American Association for the Advancement of Science, along with astronaut and associate administrator for science at NASA John Grunsfeld, have coined the term for our current era. It is based on the period of time where humanity has directly impacted the climate, ozone, nitrogen and phosphorous cycles, oceans, endocrine disruptors and forests — all of which is now observable from space.
So, congratulations, humans! We’ve made our mark! Eat it, Holocene Period! You can go pound sedentary with those loser Pleistocenes!
It’s been over a year since we reported that lab workers began successfully growing replacement vaginas. They’re still doing that, by the way, which has helped treat teenage women with medical conditions.
If you would rather do 12-ounce curls at a bar than lift weights in a gym, science is here to make you feel good about your life choices.
According to a recent study, you can probably just have some wine to get the same benefits of working out. Resveratrol, a compound found in red wine, was found to improve heart function, as well as muscle strength, which you might notice are some benefits of exercising.
Even better, mix some vodka in with your sports drink when you go to the gym and get double the benefits.
If you’ve been drinking diet soda for a long time (as in, the “diet” part still hasn’t worked after all these years), it could be because you’re one of the people who can now process artificial sweeteners like regular sugar. And not only can you digest them, but they may be actually worse for you, increasing your likelihood of gaining weight or developing type 2 diabetes.
So, who’s to blame?
Soda companies, for deceptively marketing their drinks as dietary?No. It’s not their fault people decided that drinking brown sugarless water would bring about the same results as not drinking any brown water at all.
Doctors, for not figuring this out sooner?No. Did you read the part where people needed to get healthy and, rather than drink water and maybe exercise, drank something else from soft drink companies?
It turns out that artificial sweeteners would have worked if it weren’t for bacteria in our biomes. Aspartame, sucralose and saccharine should have been undigestible — merely sweetening our beverages in our mouths before moving on directly to Toilet Town. But now certain ones can use artificial sweeteners to raise blood sugar levels two- to fourfold.
And, yes, we know that — technically — bacteria aren’t animals. But we aren’t winning the War on Animals by being discerning now, are we, eggheads?
You hate your boss. You think he or she does a terrible job of managing employees, and that you could do a better job. More so, you think your boss is a psycho. You may not be wrong on that last one.
According to a peer-reviewed study by an undergraduate student, there could be a higher level of psychopaths in managerial positions because they are able to manipulate tests that companies give in ways that hide their true nature. So if your boss is manipulative, lacking of empathy, and a known liar, you may just have psychopath for a boss. We don’t suggest comparing business cards with them.
If you’ve ever wondered why repeated listenings to Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” have driven you to suicidal thoughts (Just me? OK.), statistics may now know why.
According to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry and data collected by the CDC, there is “a positive association between the number of suicides on a particular day and the hours of sunshine,” meaning more people kill themselves on sunny days.
We’re also more likely to do it in the spring, while December has the fewest suicides of all months. So, take that Holiday Seasonal Affective Disorder and shove it to Easter. Which, when you think about it, is the more depressing holiday season between Mardi Gras STIs, Lent, crucifixions and rabbits that lay eggs.
Researchers aren’t sure why the sun drives us to offing ourselves, but one factor may be light itself. Increased light improves our drive to do things and decreases our serotonin transferrals, making us even more impulsive. So, if you’re depressed, stay indoors!
… Oh, you’re already walled up inside of your home with the windows taped shut? Good.