Whether you’re Trump supporter or an anti-vaxxer, you know not to trust what you read online unless it’s an image quote someone shared on your wall that lines up with your personal biases. The rest of us sheeple tend to believe things that we read. Science says we should know better.
According to a recent study, pretty much everyone online is lying about something. Some of us make up things to support their pet cause, others lie about their appearance. And some even lie about things that interest them. Turns out, we all just want to seem cooler, more attractive and carefree. The Guys, who are all extremely handsome, promise we’ve been truthful.
But then, you read it online, so perhaps it’s not true.
Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.
According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.
Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.
Not wanting to be the bad guy and dump someone right around a holiday with a lot of judgmental family and in-laws.
Not having the money to hire an attorney until March after Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines.
What the study doesn’t figure in is if the holiday or vacation encourages divorce afterwards. For instance, who thought Disney World on Christmas break — the one week that the entire Western world has off — was a good idea?
Just to be safe, if you’ve been a turd for the past few months, The Guys suggest putting some effort in until Labor Day if you plan to keep your family. After that, they’re pretty much locked in for another year of disappointment.
OK, so this clearly isn’t a bar, Smithsonian Institute. But, it is your friends, The Guys, who love you very much, but are a little concerned about your hoarding problem.
At first, it was fun hanging out at your place. There were all kinds of cool stuff lying around, like dinosaur and astronaut bones, plus the occasional old wooden sailing ship. And you never even asked us to pay for anything. (Well, never directly.)
But, when we’re finding entirely new species of dolphins just lying around in dusty stacks of god-knows-what … it’s time to recognize that maybe you’ve attached too much value to stuff you’ll never, ever use. What museum would this skull even go in? Natural history? In the non-existent Decapitated Dolphin Wing?
We’re worried about you, Smithsonian. You’re not alone if you want to get better. (But we’re still not donating. Did you see the price of your cheeseburgers?)
Viruses never had a lot going for them. Antibiotics don’t work on them, so any that our immune system can’t take out are incurable. They tend to cause vomiting and diarrhea, which makes them the Chipotle of the microscopic world. And, because they only have RNA, they let us argue incessantly over whether they count as life.
That’s right: while the rest of us are groggily trying to get the day started, viruses are already fully caffeinated and ready to infect us when we’re most vulnerable. In the early AM hours, our cells’ immune reactions aren’t armed yet, so the virus can spread more easily from one to the next.
The only way viruses could be even more insufferable is if they hang the toilet paper so that it unrolls underhand.
It’s a well-worn comedic trope that your significant other drives you to drink. But what that may not actually be the reality.
According to a new study, your single friends drink way more than you and your partner. A study of same-sex twins found that those who are in a relationship kind of cut back on the hootch, compared to their single doppelgangers. That means that you’re ruining the fun for your significant other, which might be OK, because that means you can go full steam ahead and know that you’ve got a designated driver.
So if you’re in a relationship and you’re miserable, it’s probably because you’re spending way too much time sober.
Researchers are now investigating what introduced these chemicals into the dogs and whether the same sources could also be causing low quality human sperm development. (Well, not us specifically. The Guys regularly submit samples to measure Guyness and root out comedy performance-enhancing drugs.)
But, until we know what’s happening for sure, you should probably reassure your dog that he is, in fact, a good, masculine boy.
Despite the way the summer’s plot has been going, the world isn’t going to end.
We’ve seen a lot of bad things in recent months. Violence, terrorism and the nomination of Donald Trump, to name a few. But in a plot twist, it turns out we’re not going to be killed off with an asteroid, according to NASA. The space agency is planning a mission to the asteroid Bennu, but not because they are worried about it hitting the Earth, contrary to internet rumors.
So for those of you rooting for the end of it all, look for more terrestrial causes.
Science is about asking questions. Unfortunately, many of them will not likely be answered definitively in our lifetimes. So, while some researchers might wonder what gravity actually is or if its possible to work around the speed of light, the big questions will likely remain a mystery, like why men have nipples or women insist on having orgasms.
But, maybe not! When confronted with the mystery of how and why women have orgasms, two scientists think it might be because they’re not really meant to. Not anymore, anyway.
However, once humans evolved to a monthly ovulation cycle, the female orgasm and resulting hormones became no longer essential to conception. And we’re guessing that years of lackluster sex led to selective breeding that placed the clitoris in easier to reach spots for DIY.
So, there you go. Just like with men, the female orgasm might be an afterthought of evolution.
The Guys don’t remember much from learning about the planets of our solar system, other than someone used to serve pizzas and now they don’t because Neil deGrasse Tyson is one of those weird calzone guys. And also that a couple have rings, one has a giant red spot and the one we live on is blue. Well, science is learning even more about primary colors featured in our celestial neighborhood.
For instance, China discovered the deepest blue hole in Earth’s oceans and, just to troll the little bit of racist in all of us, named it Longdong. (Right? Sorry.) Longdong — or Dragon Hole — is 987 feet and can be found in the South China Sea … until China fills it in to build yet another island, of course.