Category: It Must Be Science!

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A banner day for colored planetary blemishes

China has simultaneously discovered Dragon Hole and turned it into Dragon Postule.
China has simultaneously discovered Dragon Hole and turned it into Dragon Postule.

The Guys don’t remember much from learning about the planets of our solar system, other than someone used to serve pizzas and now they don’t because Neil deGrasse Tyson is one of those weird calzone guys. And also that a couple have rings, one has a giant red spot and the one we live on is blue. Well, science is learning even more about primary colors featured in our celestial neighborhood.

For instance, China discovered the deepest blue hole in Earth’s oceans and, just to troll the little bit of racist in all of us, named it Longdong. (Right? Sorry.) Longdong — or Dragon Hole — is 987 feet and can be found in the South China Sea … until China fills it in to build yet another island, of course.

Artist's rendition of Jupiter's Red Spot.
Artist’s rendition of Jupiter’s Red Spot.

And then there’s Jupiter’s Red Spot, a massive hurricane spanning over 1,000 miles between two atmospheres. Scientists learned that the atmosphere above the Spot is 2,400 degrees Fahrenheit warmer than the rest of the entire planet due to acoustic waves generated by the storm and shot upwards. Basically, Jupiter’s atmospheres are floors in an apartment building, and the Spot is the drummer that lives below you, eating a steady diet of Neil Peart, Red Bull and cocaine.

All in all, a tremendous day for both orbiting balls and primary colors.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Coming to a pint glass near you: Beer made from urine

Finally, the only flaw in "Waterworld" has been fixed.
Finally, the only flaw in “Waterworld” has been fixed.

Move over, cockroach milk. There’s a new trendy beverage in town.

A lot of mass-produced beer is compared to carbonated piss. The very literal scientists at the University of Ghent in Belgium have done just that. They have brewed a beer made from urine, in a process they call, and this is true, “sewer to brewer.”

A solar-powered machine is able to extract drinkable water from urine, which they hope to use as a water conservation method in rural and drought-stricken areas. To show off their invention, the Belgian scientists brewed a beer with the water they recovered.

This means that breaking the seal may be a good thing.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Scientists want you to drink cockroach milk

Are you hungry? Do you want to not be? Then read on!

The world’s resources are only so vast, and people need to eat. That means that science needs to find ways to keep our exploding population fed with that we have. Sometimes, that takes us down a dark, dark road.

The next step on that path is cockroach milk. The Pacific beetle cockroach may not technically have nipples, but it gives birth to live young, which is rare in the insect world. To sustain its young while they are embryos, the roach forms protein crystals. Scientists think they can sequence and reproduce the crystals. That means a nutritious beverage that comes from cockroaches, of all things, could save humanity.

But what mixes well with it?

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Seagulls attack people because of ants, study says

Once again, the English summer is marked by crazy seagulls. We told you about gull attacks last year, but it seems they’re even worse now, and it’s all because of ants.

According to a new study, English seagulls are acting strangely because they’re eating so many ants. The weather conditions in England, America’s beta version, have produced a bumper crop of flying ants this year, and they are leaving their nests early, too. This means the seagulls can easily gorge themselves on the insects. Researchers believe the ant-laden birds act a bit drunk because of how the ants react in their bellies, which makes them more prone to attacking humans.

The science is clear: we must wipe ants from the safe of the Earth, or mankind will never be safe.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Science: Drink your way to a happy marriage

If you’re like The Guys, you’ve got two loves in your life: your significant other and your drink — and usually not in that order. Science now has an indicator of whether you two can go the distance. What is it? You both need to drink as you get older.

According to an analysis of American couples over 50, dissatisfaction with spouses was more common if both parties didn’t drink the same amount. It appears to be especially true in women. Researchers found that couples that drink together (or don’t drink at all, but that’s not a real choice) were more likely to express satisfaction with their spouse. It backs up the findings of an earlier study. Scientists don’t know why, but it seems obvious that you care less about your significant other’s annoying traits when you’re getting crocked.

So, drink together for the kids.

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Stoned Age: Ancient humans used, traded cannabis

Thousands of years ago, humans were scattered across what are now Europe and Asia. They hunted, they fought the brutal elements, and they survived long enough to found Western civilization. They also got down with cannabis.

Researchers believe the three tribes responsible for populating Eurasia long ago also spread cannabis across the land. Scientists found that the herb has been found at archeological sites in Japan and Eastern Europe at about the same time, suggesting that ancient humans started using it for food and a buzz around that time. The various tribe may have even traded it. That means cave men were drug dealers.

But if ancient humans smoked cannabis, why don’t all modern European and Asian language share the word “Dude?”

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Scientists teach robot to hunt, edge us toward Judgment Day

We don’t need to tell you that the world is full of evil, and by “evil,” we mean scientists. And those evildoers are actively working to enslave humanity by training killer robots. That’s not paranoia, they’re actually doing it.

Researchers taught a robot to hunt prey. It should come as no surprise that these scientists hail from the war-hungry nation of Switzerland. They programmed the robot to track its “prey,” a human-controlled robot. So not only will the machines be able to hunt us down, they will know to take out the robots we use to combat them.

This is unquestionably the most flagrant effort to doom humanity yet.

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Stephen Hawking still hates stupid people

Stephen Hawking doesn’t have the best outlook on humanity. In fact, he has demonstrated many times that he wants to end us all. Good to see nothing has changed.

In a recent interview, Hawking said humanity has “certainly not become less greedy or less stupid” since the last time he threatened us with extinction. He said that we have done nothing to reduce the threat of climate change, and we’re hell-bent on creating artificial intelligence, which will one day kill us all.

This has been another edition of Stephen Hawking Says Mankind Will Die.

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People who don’t shut up can blame genetics

Thanks to the internet, almost no one interacts with each other face-to-face anymore. Yet there are still some stubborn people who insist on being talkative no matter what. Turns out, it’s in their genes.

According to a recent study, the gene OXT may be the reason why some people just can’t shut up. They call it the “chatty gene.” The more the gene is expressed in a person, in general, the chattier they are. Scientists say this break through could lead to new medications to treat social anxiety and other disorders.

What we really need is to figure out how to turn that gene off on the person next to us so we can enjoy our flight in peace.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Pee in the shower, save the planet

If you don’t pee in the shower, it may be time to start, according to some recent calculations.

Basically, you’re in the shower already, so that’s water you’re using regardless. But if you also pee while taking a shower, you are saving the world a toilet flush. That one less flush can add up, and it can save us all some water.

It should be noted that these calculations completely ignore the fact that if you pee in the shower you are a terrible person.