Category: It Must Be Science!

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Drink yourself to fitness

If you would rather do 12-ounce curls at a bar than lift weights in a gym, science is here to make you feel good about your life choices.

According to a recent study, you can probably just have some wine to get the same benefits of working out. Resveratrol, a compound found in red wine, was found to improve heart function, as well as muscle strength, which you might notice are some benefits of exercising.

Even better, mix some vodka in with your sports drink when you go to the gym and get double the benefits.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Ain’t that a kick in the aspartame?

But only if you hate her or stand to inherit a lot of money when she passes, you monster.
But only if you hate her or stand to inherit a lot of money when she passes, you monster.

If you’ve been drinking diet soda for a long time (as in, the “diet” part still hasn’t worked after all these years), it could be because you’re one of the people who can now process artificial sweeteners like regular sugar. And not only can you digest them, but they may be actually worse for you, increasing your likelihood of gaining weight or developing type 2 diabetes.

So, who’s to blame?

  • Soda companies, for deceptively marketing their drinks as dietary? No. It’s not their fault people decided that drinking brown sugarless water would bring about the same results as not drinking any brown water at all.
  • Doctors, for not figuring this out sooner? No. Did you read the part where people needed to get healthy and, rather than drink water and maybe exercise, drank something else from soft drink companies?
  • Animals? Sort of!

It turns out that artificial sweeteners would have worked if it weren’t for bacteria in our biomes. Aspartame, sucralose and saccharine should have been undigestible — merely sweetening our beverages in our mouths before moving on directly to Toilet Town. But now certain ones can use artificial sweeteners to raise blood sugar levels two- to fourfold.

And, yes, we know that — technically — bacteria aren’t animals. But we aren’t winning the War on Animals by being discerning now, are we, eggheads?

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Your boss may be a psycho

You hate your boss. You think he or she does a terrible job of managing employees, and that you could do a better job. More so, you think your boss is a psycho. You may not be wrong on that last one.

According to a peer-reviewed study by an undergraduate student, there could be a higher level of psychopaths in managerial positions because they are able to manipulate tests that companies give in ways that hide their true nature. So if your boss is manipulative, lacking of empathy, and a known liar, you may just have psychopath for a boss. We don’t suggest comparing business cards with them.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Too Soon?

Sun’s out, guns out

Going goth may just save your life.
Going goth may just save your life.

If you’ve ever wondered why repeated listenings to Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” have driven you to suicidal thoughts (Just me? OK.), statistics may now know why.

According to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry and data collected by the CDC, there is “a positive association between the number of suicides on a particular day and the hours of sunshine,” meaning more people kill themselves on sunny days.

We’re also more likely to do it in the spring, while December has the fewest suicides of all months. So, take that Holiday Seasonal Affective Disorder and shove it to Easter. Which, when you think about it, is the more depressing holiday season between Mardi Gras STIs, Lent, crucifixions and rabbits that lay eggs.

Researchers aren’t sure why the sun drives us to offing ourselves, but one factor may be light itself. Increased light improves our drive to do things and decreases our serotonin transferrals, making us even more impulsive. So, if you’re depressed, stay indoors!

… Oh, you’re already walled up inside of your home with the windows taped shut? Good.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Physicists say the entire universe may end

Hey, so remember that big announcement a couple years ago about the Higgs boson? It’s that thing physicists said they thought they found, then months later confirmed they did find it? It’s some super small thing that no one seems to really understand but physicists themselves. Well, it just might end the universe, according to Stephen Hawking.

Yeah, one of the smartest guys on the planet said that the Higgs boson might spell doomsday for all existence, and he’s not the only one. The theory goes that the Higgs somehow creates a vacuum that could get bigger and bigger until it sucks up literally everything.

The good news is that we don’t really have a name for the huge number of years it would take for such a thing to happen, so we’re safe, in theory.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Science: Suck it, provolone

It’s been debated for centuries, from the time of Little Caesar’s rule to construction of the Pizza Hut: what is the best cheese for pizza? Science has the answer.

Mozzarella. It’s mozzarella cheese, according to a new study in the Journal of Food Science. Turns out that the cheese that’s on pretty much every pizza ever made (except for those weird flatbread pizzas, but who counts those?) is the correct kind of cheese to use for such a dish. It melts, it browns, it blisters and it has oil in it.

So the next time your friend suggests ordering a pizza with goat cheese, drop some science on him. And if that doesn’t work, slap him and slap him hard until he sees your point.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

EEEEEEEEEE — slurp — eeeeee.


Coffee does it again!

Researchers from Brigham and Women’s Hospital found that — out of 65,000 women between the ages of 30 and 44 — women were 15 percent less likely to develop tinnitus if they drank between 0.016 and 0.02 ounces a day of caffeine.

For those of you planning to play along at home, that equals about four to five cups of coffee a day. So, you can drown out that ringing in your ears, but only with the steady vibration of your entire nervous system.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, What a Reach!

One question to spot lazy psychologists

"Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I'm not the Internet's favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives."
“Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I’m not the Internet’s favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives.”

If the goal of all progress is efficiency, then researchers from Ohio State University have managed to improve narcissism diagnosis rates by 1000 percent without getting up from your matching Barcalounger/fainting couch combo.

To reach a diagnosis of narcissism, apparently all you have to do now is ask a narcissist is if they’re a narcissist. And, if you’re a narcissist, then you’ll answer affirmatively because, well, why wouldn’t you be?

There are only two flaws to this theory. One, if a narcissist associates narcissism with being a self-absorbed douche and, because they’re so nice and awesome, would never call themselves that. And two, if someone is worried about thinking they’re too vain and self-obsessed because they were raised to believe that mirrors are just ocular masturbation, then they might shame/WebMD-diagnose themselves as narcissistic.

But the better question to ask is why even ask in the first place if narcissism is so obvious?

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

The tortoise and the tablet

Folks, we’re smarter than animals. Let’s face it, besides the fact that we have all the guns, it’s all that’s keeping the beasts from overthrowing us tomorrow. But now, scientists are teaching them how to use our technology.

Researchers in England have been studying how red-footed tortoises use touch-screen devices. (Caution: Autoplaying video.) They have demonstrated that tortoises can learn where to touch the screen in order to get a strawberry.

This an appalling abuse of science. We shouldn’t be teaching animals how to use tablets. Just imagine how angry birds will be when they find out we’re playing Angry Birds.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Accent class is canceled, y’all

The scientists at Oak Ridge National Laboratory in Tennessee are smart people, unfortunately, they also have southern accents. Guess how things went when the lab offered classes to change that?

Our guess is that it’s pretty easy being a human resources person at a federally funded national laboratory. That means that putting on classes to improve worker abilities must be challenging. Helping people get rid of their southern accents must have seemed like a good plan, after all, regardless of how smart you are, your accent doesn’t get the best press. HR people probably got tired of hearing people say “nucular.”

As you may have guessed, staff at the lab complained, and the accent reduction class was cancelled, y’all.