Science says a little water makes your whiskey taste better

A lot of Booze News stuff lately. It must be the winding down of summer and everyone thinking about relaxing with a nice drink. Today, science is here to validate whiskey drinkers.

According to a recent study, if you like a little water in your whiskey, you haven’t been imagining a difference. Scientists have found that the taste of the compound guaiacol can be increased when whiskey is diluted. This compound enhances the flavor and smell of the booze, and it rises to the surface of the glass when water is added, according to researchers. However, if you add too much water to your whiskey, the guaiacol falls away from the surface, meaning less flavor and smell.

So go ahead, add a little water to your brown water.

Science: Don’t use emoji in your work emails 🙁

One day we will do all of our written communication through emoji, but today is not that day, according to a recent study.

Researchers in Israel tested hundreds of people from 29 different countries, and found that pretty much everyone around the world who reads a work email that contains an emoji immediately thinks the person who wrote it is an idiot. Rather than see the icon and interpret it as an emotional reaction, the readers just think less of the writer. On top of that, if they don’t know the gender of the person, they are more likely to assume the author is female.

The lesson here is that if you are a dude and use emoji in your work emails, it’s probably best to put an eggplant in your signature.

Have a beer to boost creativity, researchers say

Don’t you hate it when you’ve had a few drinks, then you come up with a great idea but forget to write it down? From now on, you should have a paper and pencil with you, because drinking helps you brainstorm.

According to scientists in Austria, having a pint of beer or glass of wine makes you think in more creative ways. That means you should lobby your boss to allow drinking in the office so you can be a better problem solver. We recommend first getting your boss a little drunk first. You know, so he or she is thinking more creatively..

The test also showed that alcohol wrecks basically all your non-creative thinking, and especially your concentration. But you didn’t have the attention span to read this far down, anyway.

Science: Your goldfish might be drunk

It may be summer right now, but when the cold winter nights come back, what’s better than a good drink to warm you up inside? Researchers say that goldfish do the same thing.

According to scientists, goldfish and their wild cousins the crucian carp, have the ability produce their own alcohol, which allows them to survive in winter conditions. The fish can’t get rid of lactic acid in oxygen-free water because they can’t breathe. Instead, they convert the lactic acid into ethanol, and they can go for months like this.

The researchers found that the fish have pretty high blood alcohol content levels–so much so that they wouldn’t be allowed to drive in most countries. So remember, do not let your goldfish drive, no matter how much it begs.

Scientists create race of mutant ants, because you don’t have enough to worry about

If you read this blog, you probably know that that there are more insects than humans on this planet, and you rightly suspect that they want to overthrow us as rulers of the world. So why are we making new types of them?

This week, two different research teams openly admitted to genetically altering ants. They worked with jumping ants and clonal raider ants, which both sound terrifying on their own. They then altered the genes of the ants to affect how they interact with each other. So now we have a few new species of mutant ants that aren’t right in the head.

You fools, you’ve doomed us all!

Sneezing birthday cake out declared overdoing it

The only 100% foolproof way to keep people from eating bacteria-tainted cake.

In our daily search to deliver to you, dear reader, the most pressing, urgent news, we read some unbelievable statistics. For example: blowing out birthday candles apparently delivers 1400 percent more bacteria to the surface frosting than already put there by your filthy, disgusting baker. (Sharing a tub with both a butcher and candlestick maker — meat and tallow? That’s nasty.) And that’s incredible if they, at any point, put baking supplies in their purse.

So, if your birthday wish is to give all of your “friends” and family strep or worse, have we got good news for you.

Study: We’re not as manly as we used to be

The internet trolls are right, men today just aren’t as manly as they used to be. But it’s not how they think it is. Turns out we don’t have as many swimmers.

Between 1973 and 2011, men’s sperm counts have dropped by more than half, according to a new study. That means that you’re not as potent as hairy, mustachioed men of the early 70s. But it’s not something that’s happening to men worldwide, it’s only men in western countries that have fewer sperm. Researchers think it’s related to weight, lack of exercise and smoking.

That’s not fair. Men in the 70s used cocaine to stay thin, the only exercise was disco dancing and everyone smoked.

 

Eclipse watchers loading up on booze, weed

There’s a solar eclipse headed our way next month. It’s going to cut across the U.S. from Oregon to South Carolina. And like a full moon, it’s driving people crazy.

People are buying up hotel rooms and any other lodging accommodations they can to be in the path of the Aug. 21 solar eclipse. But they don’t want to just see it happen, the want to get loaded for it, too. In Oregon, locals are bracing for a rush of people coming to their area, and stores selling alcohol and marijuana are stocking up to meet their every need. The state liquor board predicts an 20 to 40% increase in sales, and some marijuana shops expect their sales to at least double.

So when the eclipse comes, it won’t just be the sun that’s blacked out.

Science: Worrying about fitness could kill you

Are you worried about your lack of physical activity? Do you feel bad about not exercising as much as you should? You’re better off if you stop thinking about it, science says.

A new study out of Stanford University has found that the stress you put on yourself when do don’t feel as fit as those around you increases your risk of death. Those who felt satisfied with the amount of exercise they do regularly were healthier overall. Researchers also believe that comparing your fitness against others’ around you can negatively affect your health.

So be happy with your own level of activity. And if you’re not working out (this is America, so we’re probably talking about you), don’t worry about it. You just might save your life.

Science: Drink coffee daily for a long, jittery life

Coffee — it’s what we drink when trying to erase the mistakes of the night before. But new research has found that it could also be a life saver.

A pair of studies conducted by researchers around the world has found that a cup of coffee will basically keep you from dying early from anything. By “anything,” we have to assume they mean any illnesses, because there is no amount of coffee that will keep you from dying when you’re hit by a bus.

Scientists said that a cup a day for the rest of your life basically adds three months to the life of a man, and one month to a woman’s life. Having three cups a day increased the health benefits.

We’re hoping these findings don’t mean that people who drink candy bar lattes all year aren’t around any longer than they should be.