Hello there, friend. Are you tired of arguing with your spouse or significant other? Is your old lady nagging you? Maybe it’s time you made a snack.
According to a study by Ohio State University (we left off “the” just to troll them), being hangry is a real thing. Researchers found that couples were more likely to put pins in a voodoo doll provided to them to represent their spouse if their blood sugar levels were low. Meaning, as long as you feed someone, they are less likely to dabble in the dark arts. Or, if they hadn’t eaten in a while, they were less likely to control their anger.
Good god, this means the Snickers commercials are right.
People without vaginas, behold! Science has grown you one in a petri dish ice tray.
Well, that’s about all we needed, scientists. Thanks for all the hard work and what diseases you managed to cure in the time between the inventions of writing and math and us not caring about what happens outside of our dish.
Jellyfish are one of the biggest threats humanity currently faces, be they robotic, peanut-butter flavored, or infiltrators of our nuclear reactors. Plus, because of global warming and overfishing, their numbers are growing because they have fewer predators and they can live in places they didn’t use to. So how do we fight back?
We wipe our asses with them, of course.
Researchers in Israel are working on turning jellyfish into super-absorbent household items. If they are able to successfully make jellyfish into what they call “hydromash,” you will soon be able to use these invading hoards as toilet paper, paper towels, sponges, diapers and tampons. Who doesn’t want to put an animal that stings on their crotch?
Say what you will about those cowboys, but they’re probably healthier than you. (Now, now. Don’t get mad. You know you don’t have the strength to do anything more than angrily chew your Cheetos.) And the secret to their health? Beans.
According to Canadian researchers (pictured to the right), a single, daily serving of beans “can reduce levels of LDL (bad) cholesterol, which in turn lowers the risk of heart attacks and stroke.”
And, furthermore, keep eating those beans, and you’ll also develop the ability to play the most musical of fruit. Well, other than gourds. Those things really keep a beat. So, the cymbals of the musical fruit world. Or stand-up bass if you chain a few.
It’s been a fantastic run by Japan, but it looks like one of the last few fronts in the War on Whales is shutting down. The International Court of Justice in The Hague ordered Japan to end its research on the enemy, all based on the flimsy argument that there’s no evidence that killing whales is research.
Did Japan only start killing whales for research after the 1986 moratorium? No. They killed 2, 100 in the 34 years before commercial whaling was banned in 1986. (Thanks, Star Trek IV.) So, it stands to reason that the 14,000 they’ve killed in the 24 years since is because they’re so much better at research now and not because research is the only excuse to do it.
So, thanks a lot, the U.N. And thank you, too, Australia, who took Japan to court over this in the first place. We could have learned so much about dead whales, but now we’ll get their songs stuck in our heads while studying live ones.
We have to hope that Star Trek was wrong and that video chat doesn’t become the standard form of communication. Because if it does, and it comes installed with facial recognition software just developed by the University of California-San Diego, then we will never be able to call in “sick” again.
Scientists studying facial movements wanted to learn the difference between genuine facial expressions and faked ones. They found that not only could their motion-tracking and pattern-recognizing software determine who was really in pain and who was faking, but that they could do it far better than humans.
In other news, your computer totally knows when you’re getting bored and just want to wrap your porn time up.
Right now, each and every one of us is outnumbered by insects 200 million to one. And if they’re not eating poop or each other, than the enemy surge is dining on flowers. So, we guess it’s sort of understandable that science would try to arm bug food, whether it’s Monsanto invading Raid-flavored corn or M.I.T. inserting nanotubes into plant cells that make them change color around bombs. (If chimps can make a termite fishing poll, then they can make diaper bombs.)
But, can we trust plants? Sure, they’re good listeners, but have you noticed how much they grow when you tell them your plans for the War on Animals? And rumor has it that they use insects for their disgusting mating habits.
No, we’re definitely, firmly against this, M.I.T. If God had wanted plants to be awesome, he would have given them bacon, not flowers.