Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

The War on Plants

For years you’ve ignored your aunt’s constant posting propaganda about the evils of genetically modified organisms, or GMO. But now it appears your crazy relative was right all along.

Researchers in Taiwan have figured out how to turn onion cells into artificial muscle tissue. They even got their onion muscles to pick up a cotton ball through a series of electric shocks in a certain order.

So there you have it, we’re not even safe from vegetables. Pretty soon, scientists will be making onions that won’t just make you cry, they’ll make you beg for mercy.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Bees getting buzzed

Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.
Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.

Good news in the War on Animals: for the first time ever in history, a “give drugs away for free to get everyone hooked” is not only real, but working. Bees can’t get enough of the very pesticide that might cause Colony Collapse Disorder.

Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).

So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, The Guys in Moms

Your kids are either really dumb or terrifying

"This doesn't look like a dago's chin, Ma."
“This doesn’t look like a dago’s chin, Ma. I’m not mad, just disappointed. And still hungry.”

America likes to pretend that fat kids are a new problem, even though we’ve always treated them like slovenly second-class second graders. But, now that there aren’t enough attractive kids built like 1980s Billy Zabka to torment them and shut down their rec centers, we’re calling it an epidemic. And that means that medical science is working hard to cure it.

One potential treatment? Drawing smiley faces on healthier foods. Researchers found sales of vegetables increased by 62 percent and fruits by 20 percent when they added smiley faces to their labels. Even milk purchases rose from 7.4% to 48%, although nobody mentioned if the smiley face was added to the missing child announcement on the carton.

So, either kids are as dumb as McDonald’s proved with Happy Meals, or kids just really want to eat faces. Any face. Your face.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Science Update: 3D, 2D, 1D universes

One way or another, science will somehow find meaning once again in a Zayn-less One Direction-al universe.
One way or another, science will somehow find meaning once again in a Zayn-less One Direction-al universe.

Science can get confusing. In today’s news alone, the possibility that the universe is merely a two-dimensional surface that we project a third-dimension onto during observation (like a hologram) just gained more traction. Meanwhile, another group of scientists completed the most comprehensive three-dimensional map of the universe.

So, which is it, doctors? Does the universe have depth, or do we only imagine it, like in Hawkeye from The Avengers?

Fortunately, Prof. Stephen Hawking chimed in today: the universe is neither 3D nor 2D, but 1D, as in One Directional. He assured a girl at one of his Q&A sessions that, although it is depressing that Zayn Malik has left One Direction in our universe, theoretical physics mean that he could still be in the boy group in a parallel universe.

Looks like somebody’s been studying up on women after we called him out on it a couple of years ago.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Drink to breaking another glass ceiling

If you’re reading this and you’re a woman, there’s a decent chance you’re drunk right now. It’s science.

According to a new study by the American Journal of Public Health, binge drinking among women is on the rise in the U.S. In case you’re wondering, the white coats define “binge drinking” as five or more drinks in a sitting for men, and four or more in a sitting for women. In fact, from 2002 to 2012, lady binge drinking rose by about 36%, while men rose by only 23%.

Congratulations, ladies. Every drink you take brings us all closer to gender equality.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Get ready for jittery astronauts

The International Space Station now smells like coffee.

This week marked the much-anticipated arrival of a new, space-age espresso machine. Astronauts have had coffee on the ISS, but it had to be in one of those packet things, so it float away and burn the crap out of someone. But now, they have the ISSpresso, which somehow makes coffee in zero-gravity espresso coffee.

The first astronaut to try it out, of course, is Italian.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Misogyny runs afoot in coleopterology

In a surprising and completely unexpected fashion, it appears that Connecticut’s southern pine beetles are very bad for pine trees. Who would’ve guessed?

Now, we don’t particularly care much for animals, especially given the desire of beetles to purposefully reduce our supply of oxygen. But what we certainly don’t care for is a smear campaign against a gender.

The female makes this when she comes in and she lays her eggs. Then the little larvae go off and form these little side tunnels.”

See, we at SG are very keen on equal rights. Don’t lay all the blame on the female members of the species, lay the blame on all of them. Don’t half-ass on eradication of a species, go all the way, we say.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

A doughnut has been to space, but you haven’t

We may have put a man on the moon, but the Swedes beat us to probably the most important space milestone ever. They launched a doughnut into space.

A Swedish science group–and the term alone sounds like they’re up to no good–attached a doughnut to weather balloon and sent it into the boundaries of space, with a camera to record the whole thing. It is the first known space pastry, or “spacetry.”

We choose to send a cronut into space and do the other things in this decade, not because they are easy, but because they are hard.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

For better health, think outside the box

We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn't raised by what we thought the headline was about.
We are relieved, though, that our hypertension risk wasn’t raised by what we thought the headline was about.

There are ways to convince people to read about your research. And then there are headlines like today’s Headline of the Day: “Eating Out Frequently May Be Linked To High Blood Pressure.”

Congratulations, University Herald. You got The Guys to read about how young Southeast Asians who dine out at restaurants more than at home experience greater chances of hypertension.

But, you don’t want to see what we Googled after your disappointment.

Bonus, Really Out of Context Quote:

‘Our research plugs that gap.’

Vagina.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

If they’ll make you a sandwich, they’ll probably put out

Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.
Lifehack: Tucking antibiotics into grilled cheese is an easy way to help bad pill swallowers take their VD meds.

Science makes all sorts of weird, unexpected discoveries in experiments where said discovery wasn’t even being tested or a even a suspected factor. A good example is when some radar technician invented the microwave by accidentally melting a candy bar in his pocket, earning himself a cool, $2.00 bonus from Raytheon, too.

In that tradition, researchers at some social networking site we’ve never heard of (so it must be parent-free) called Skout discovered, while asking people about their grilled cheese habits, that 32 percent people who love grilled cheese have sex at least six times a month, but only 27 percent of non-grilled cheese lovers do the same.

It’s also possible that people who eat a lot of grilled cheese do so because it’s the only food they can afford with their sexy, sexy lifestyle.