As if things weren’t bad enough for Britain with Germany showing it up, their sperm banks aren’t helping. In an entire year, Britain’s national sperm bank has only drummed up nine total donors. Nine. As in not 90, 900 or even 9,000. Nine British men with British genetics.
So, to somehow bring out the best in British manhood, the bank is trying a new ad campaign: daring British men to “prove your worth, show [Laura Witjens, the chief executive] how good you are.”
Now, as guys, The Guys understand a few things about guys. We all revere and kind of hope that Arnold Schwarzenegger is our real dad. We all pretend to understand the rules to every sport a lot more than we actually do. And we don’t use our semen to prove our manliness — no matter how literal of a virility test that would be.
What we’re saying is, Ms. Witjens, you’re more likely to get a lot of guys to bench press, skip rocks, or open pickle jars outside of your sperm bank than hand you cups of baby batter.
Remember that time you went home with that girl at the bar, only to find the next morning she didn’t look as good as she did when you were drunk? Science says you’re making that up.
According to a recent study in Bristol, England, there may be no such thing as beer goggles after all. Researchers conducted a study of patrons of three pubs in town where they showed people images of faces and asked for their attractiveness rating, then they measured their BAC. The study was kind of like a drunken Hot or Not throwback. They found no clear correlation between the attractiveness ratings a person gave and the amount of booze in their bloodstream.
Some say the study shows that lowered inhibitions and lower standards could make the drunken hook-ups happen.
Robots are becoming smarter all the time. They can learn, they can communicate, and they can even dream. Now, they can vomit.
For centuries, the difference between living things and non-living things was the ability to vomit, we think. Now, it appears we’ve created yet another robot in our own image, and it acts like it’s been out all night drinking. Researchers in North Carolina have made a robot whose sole purpose is to throw up green Jell-O to illustrate that you can spread viruses by vomiting, too.
The world of science has brought us some good news, and unfortunately, some bad news, too. Because we’re all about talking about the bad news here at SG, let’s go with the good news first: Turns out, creationists are wrong again.
In Utah, the 2,000-year-old rock paintings in Utah’s Black Dragon Canyon have finally been identified. The paintings have faded since they were created way back when, and some said the shape looked like a winged monster, and creationists said it was a pterosaur. After using modern imaging techniques, researchers found that the monster is actually several separate things. There’s a human, a smaller person, a sheep, a dog, a bug-eyed person, and a serpent like thing.
The bad news? Apparently, bug-eyed people and weird snake-like things used to roam what is now Utah, and there’s no reason to think they’ve stopped doing so.
We’ve heard a lot from music over the years about how great butts are. Last year there was even a sub-genre of women singing about how great their butts were, and how desirous they make men. Turns out, it’s all lies.
According to a study by researchers at Queen’s University in Canada, the butt alone does not make one an attractive mate — or even just a killer rack. Rather, it’s how you appear overall. Participants in the study graded outlines of people’s bodies for overall attractiveness, then they graded hybrids of bodies with what were supposed to be the most attractive parts individually. The hybrids weren’t rated as highly.
Unfortunately for The Guys, “sense of humor” wasn’t ranked in overall attractiveness.
The Guys read the news every day. We’re such old hands at it that we sometimes recognize when a story misses the point, usually buried in the third paragraph or so. So, while white bread and white rice may make you depressed (because, damn, that food is bleak), “greater consumption of dietary fibre, whole grains, vegetables and fresh fruits is associated with decreased depression risk.” (OK, paragraph two.)
Fiber? Whole grains? Fruit and vegetables? It’s not eating that makes you feel better: it’s pooping.
Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re gonna go improve our mood with a session of Angry Turds.
If you’re married and having a lot of sex, odds are you’re not as happy as you think you are. Hey, we’re not saying it, science is.
According to a study at Carnegie Mellon University, heterosexual married couples who increased the frequency of their having of the sex reported a slight decrease in their overall happiness and satisfaction with the intercourse. Meanwhile, a similar group that had the sexy sexy (medical term) at their normal frequency reported no real change in their happiness or satisfaction.
So there you have it, married people. Your relationship is destined to be just one long plateau, no good days or bad days, for all eternity. Doesn’t that sound exciting?
Japan’s space program may not get as much attention as ours or the Russians’, but, brother, do they have their interstellar priorities straight. And by “straight,” we mean straight whisky.
Japanese distillery Suntory plans to send five kinds of whiskey, as well as a 40% ethanol, to the International Space Station to see how they mature in microgravity. There, the booze will embark on a several year mission to seek out more complicated tones and potentially mellower flavors, to boldly nose like they have not nosed before. NASA officials and Suntory spokespeople did not mention whether they believe exposure to cosmic rays will make the whiskies more fantastic like the Fantastic Four or just become a lot of empty marketing for something ultimately flavorless like the Fantastic Four movies.
Vampires seem to get popular every 20 years or so, but vampirism is far older. The idea of drinking blood to take in someone’s life is ancient. You may be familiar with Christianity, for example.
Now, science wants to give old people new blood to help alleviate their illnesses. A team of neurologists at Stanford University recently published a paper stating it should be investigated whether the proteins in young people’s blood can help old people’s organs function better. If research happens, and it looks promising, it’s not hard to imagine a day when young people sell their blood to the highest bidder, while old people who can’t afford it resort to hunting us down to harvest out blood.
When that day comes, we must all pray that the old people don’t have enough young blood in their system to chase us down.