What do we have in common with the turkeys we’re about to cook next week? What? No, we didn’t even notice your warbler. It’s that the most accurate way to take our temperature is through the flesh. Or, if you don’t want to stab someone (Dr. Carson), in da’ butt.
Ready to have your day ruined? Good, because we’re about to do just that.
According to a a recent study, you will never be more satisfied with your sex life than when you are getting it only once a week. We’ll repeat that: Once a week is the peak of sexual happiness. Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied couples sexual habits, and found that both parties reported the most satisfaction, all things considered, when they were knocking boots only once every seven days. Any higher frequency, and things just weren’t as great. We don’t need to tell you that less than once a week didn’t make people happy, either. This is the second study in recent months telling us to cool it between the sheets. But what does science know?
Guys are just … not good at meeting and impressing women. Maybe because we’re not friends with a lot of women, we’ve developed some bizarre ideas about what women are, much less what they’re looking for in a man. That’s how we’ve mistakenly latched onto fashion trends like mustaches and skinny jeans — because nobody polled women. (And now none of us are polling women. Thanks a lot, Banana Republic.)
That’s why it’s no surprise that men took the old wives tale (after all, old wives were once MILFs and, before that, regular chicks) that the fastest way to our hearts is through our stomachs and applied the transitive property to it. Therefore, if the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (A to B), then through our stomach is the fastest way to a woman’s heart (B to C).
What was really surprising, though, is that men eat 86 percent more salad with women than with other men. We were pretty sure that would be at least 100 percent more with women since male salad-eating just does not happen otherwise.
Also surprising? That the human species is still overpopulating the planet.
If you use someone else’s shower, you may want to bring your own bleach.
According to a recent study, 61% of Americans say they pee in the shower. Yes, most people think it’s acceptable to relieve themselves in the same place that they and others clean their bodies. Folks, it’s undeniable that there’s a convenience factor in emptying the tank in the shower, but the ability to control our bladders and not just go where we’re not supposed to is what separates us from wild beasts.
The survey also found that 41% pee in pools, which you may note, is also not a toilet, you animals.
As a rule, The Guys never put away the list of things that are killing us. Mostly because we can’t — something else always pops up just when we’re about to roll it up and put it away. (Yes, we record everything on scrolls. We upgraded from clay tablets last year.) Well, we’ve got a new entry: belly fat.
New research indicates that carrying weight around the midsection puts people at higher risk of dying than being obese, even if we’re at the normal weight for our height. People with a worse waist-to-hip ratio have the worst chances for long-term survival, even after controlling for age and BMI and regardless of gender. (So, real dead women have curves.)
Further studies are needed to determine why specifically the dad bod is more lethal than the Belushi body, but the current theory is that fat surrounding and intertwining the organs in the abdominal cavity puts people at greater risk for diabetes and other health complications.
So, it’s official: God hates your dad bod. This might be the most potent thumbs-downing of a slow-summer Internet trend by a deity since Echo drowned Narcissus for inventing the selfie.
The next time that friend who always makes your eyes roll goes on and on about how kangaroo farts are somehow good for us, tell ’em to choke on it.
Yeah, contrary to what well-meaning kangaroo-huffers have been telling us, kangaroo farts are no safer than cow farts. Given the same amount of food, those giant, hopping rats produce the same amount of methane, so we might as well all go back to sucking farts out of cows for our highs.
Next up from science: girls do fart, and it’s worse because periods.
A century ago, white people feared jazz music because it was seen as unseemly. Today, the military has found a use for it: endangering all of mankind.
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency is working on robots and computers that can play jazz. They’re not only trying to put the ever-diminishing population of jazz musicians out of work, they’re trying to teach these machines how to improvise. And if computerized, face-melting solos weren’t enough, they want these things to improvise with humans. The goal is to get machines and humans to interact in a more fluid way.
Your tax dollars are funding a line of robots smoking marijuana and wearing sunglasses in darkened clubs. God help us all.
Every century, fewer and fewer humans commit violence. That we are less violent than ever seems contrary to news reports, but that’s only because the media got to be more selective over which murders made press than now. Now, nearly any murder or assault is ink-worthy … unless it happens in one of those neighborhoods, of course. (You know which ones. The ones your favorite sports teams moved out of while keeping the city in their name.)
Overall, that’s a good thing, unless you’re one of millions of disappointed ancestors who broke a lot of fingers evolving the perfect fist for you not to use, you ingrates.
So, what/who have you punched lately? Don’t make your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Ug skip inventing the wheel and fire to build a time machine and slap you upside the head.