Approximately 10 or so years ago, science broke the news that trans fat, that which is in just about everything that’s not good for you, was not good for you. People were shocked! Did this mean their french fries shouldn’t be eaten in mass quantities?! Was eating an entire package of Oreos a … gasp … bad thing?
The answer to these questions was yes. As such, food companies made numerous and public proclamations that they’d change the ingredients of their food. No more would they use trans fat, but instead a different kind of fat. It was essentially using a slightly shinier pile of poo.
Now, science has come back to us, stating to the masses that trans fat is still bad, just this time around, they might be screwing up your memory. This is literally niche news, as it affects the percentage of people who didn’t give up their snack sticks of butter. Perhaps upon seeing the headline, they’ll rethink their choices. The study tells us otherwise, as in 5 minutes, the news will be literally forgotten in lieu of getting another butter snack stick.
Taking a break from their perpetual contact high, Dutch scientists examined kissing. And they found that your average 10-second Freedom Kiss can transfer up to 80 million bacteria between participants.
To figure out what transfers most readily from tongue-to-tongue contact, the scientists had one participant from each pair drink a probiotic drink. And, based on the results, they hope to one day use this research to help “design future bacterial therapies and help people with troublesome bacterial problems.”
So, if you don’t like yogurt, you could always try making out with Jamie Lee Curtis.*
It’s seems almost two obvious to state: penguins are one of the greatest threats to our way of life. Their main assault is on our children, with their cuteness and dancing abilities. Now, we can spy on them like never before.
The Guys have long been skeptical of science. For instance, if scientists are so sure about their theories and processes, then why do they always wear goggles? What’s the matter, nerds? Not sure how those combustible chemicals really work?
Before his surgery, he had arachnophobia, which is what keeps shoe manufacturers and newspaper publishers in business. Afterwards, he reportedly became fascinated by spiders. That’s not good. Fascination is a slippery slope to letting them live, and letting spiders live is how we all get creeped out by them.
He also reportedly became temporarily repulsed by music. Unfortunately, he regained music appreciation before we could find out what “The Itsy-bitsy Spider” would do to him psychologically.
Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.
No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.
Two separate studies found that herpes may cause 40 to 50 percent of Alzheimer’s cases, although that could be because the people getting herpes already for got to wear a condom or not kiss people whose lips look like Krakatoa.
Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.
Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-‘em-and-I’ll-spray-‘em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.
Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style: Continue reading →
Get out your hippie skirts and aerosol cans: it’s time to dance amongst the tree trunks in deforested plains and skinny dip in the aquatic dead zones. We’re celebrating because this is the dawning of the age of the Anthropocence, age of the Anthropocene. Anthropo-ceeeeeeeeene! An-throoooo-po-ceeeeeeeeeeene!
The American Association for the Advancement of Science, along with astronaut and associate administrator for science at NASA John Grunsfeld, have coined the term for our current era. It is based on the period of time where humanity has directly impacted the climate, ozone, nitrogen and phosphorous cycles, oceans, endocrine disruptors and forests — all of which is now observable from space.
So, congratulations, humans! We’ve made our mark! Eat it, Holocene Period! You can go pound sedentary with those loser Pleistocenes!
It’s been over a year since we reported that lab workers began successfully growing replacement vaginas. They’re still doing that, by the way, which has helped treat teenage women with medical conditions.