Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Science plans to kill us all with wooly mammoths

Never forget.
Never forget.

For nearly as long as this blog has existed, we’ve warned against cloning wooly mammoths. Now it seems that our worst fears are closer than ever to becoming a reality.

Harvard geneticist George Church, sworn enemy to all humanity, has basically spliced enough wooly mammoth DNA, filled in with a little modern Asian elephant DNA where needed, dropped it into Asian elephant skin cells, and BAM. We now live in a world where functional mammoth DNA exists.

Not surprisingly, Church has openly admitted to wanting to one day bring back the wooly mammoth, under the guise of allowing Asian elephants to tolerate colder climates. This madness must be stopped!

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Finally, you can enjoy a martini in space

If you’ve always dreamed of drinking in space, science is here to help.

A company called Cosmic Lifestyle Corp. has designed cocktail glasses they say will work in zero gravity. The cups look sort of like what glasses we know here on Earth, but they’ve got a system of grooves that the company says will hold the liquids more or less in place until you’re ready to put them in your face. Like any foolish endeavor, the zero gravity cups are doing a Kickstarter funding campaign.

Beats drinking out of those lame Capri Sun-style packets.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Space yeast has come to Earth to give us beer

In the quest for a new gimmick, brewers keep looking to the stars.

We’ve seen beer brewed from grains grown in space, we’ve seen beer brewed with moon dust, and we’ve even seen attempts to brew beer in space. Now, it’s time for the next giant leap in drinking until you feel weightless: space yeast.

Oregon’s Ninkasi Brewing has launched vials of yeast into space, then retrieved them, and come up with an imperial stout. While this brings space beer to new heights, the real accomplishment is that the company refrained from saying that the beer is “out of this world.”

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Georgia lawmaker introduces anti-monster bill

Many people don’t know this, but Georgia is being overrun by mad scientists seeking to create monsters that they can unleash on the world. But luckily, they have at least one state lawmaker who isn’t afraid to take a stand.

State Rep. Tom Kirby has introduced a bill that would bar researchers from creating a hybrid embryo using genetic material from humans and animals. Kirby wants to make sure that no one creates a mermaid, centaur or werewolf. He said if they are naturally occurring monsters, that’s fine, but we don’t need to make them ourselves.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

You are going to die alone

On the other hand: people who aren't lonely are 30 percent more likely to die from Etsy-related conflict.
On the other hand: people who aren’t lonely are 30 percent more likely to die from Etsy-related conflict.

Good news, lonely people! Research indicates that, not only are you unloved and probably need a shower, but you’re also going to die sooner, too.

According to Brigham Young University (so, researchers with 10 or more people in their families — there’s your grain of salt), people who report feeling lonely, feel isolated or live alone are 30 percent more likely to die, which is the same likelihood from smoking 15 cigarettes a day or excessive drinking.

So, if you have the same likelihood of death, you might as well meet some people at your nearest bar or wherever everyone smokes at your job.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Science: Bringing the technology of 80s and 90s media to NOW!

M.A.N.T.I.S. The Lawnmower Man. Oracle. Wiz Kid. For decades, Hollywood and comic books have told us that no matter how disabled you might think you are, you can take on the world.

And now, science and the government have allowed Jan Scheuermann to nearly do that very thing! Normally, pairing up science and the government doesn’t end well … ever, but for the quadriplegic woman, it was a-okay. Via a DARPA program, Scheuermann was able to fly an F-35 fighter jet in a simulator using just her eyes. Considering the closest I’ve gotten to doing that was playing Afterburner II on the Sega Genesis and that consisted of me crashing into the ocean within moments of lifting off, that’s pretty impressive.

What’s also impressive? The robotic hand in the picture seemingly feeding Scheuermann chocolate. I want one for Christmas.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Shipwreck beer was actually kind of weak

Hey, remember that beer that was probably the oldest ever found? The one from the shipwreck in the Baltic? Scientists now have a better idea of what it tasted like.

Since you probably don’t have the cash to spend on a brewery’s re-creation of the brew, it’s imagination time. Using chemical analysis and other techniques, researchers found that it was an amber ale, and it had an ABV of about 4.5%, which isn’t really the strength you’d think would be imported from a faraway land. Because the bacteria was still alive inside the bottle, scientists were even able to tell what kind of hops were used, but probably knew better than to list it, so they didn’t come off as beer snobs.

Just grab something barrel-aged for this weekend. It will cost you less, and it will still be a trip back in time.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

In sickness and in health … but mostly health

"OK, so when will you be well enough to make me a sandwich?"
“OK, so when will you be well enough to make me a sandwich?”

For some reason, married couples are more likely to divorce when the wife gets sick. Researchers at Iowa State University and Purdue found that marriages ended 6% more often after the wife contracted a serious illness than when the husband does. They did not, however, figure out why or who does the leaving (besides Newt Gingrich and John Edwards).

In unrelated news, the manufacturers of Airborne, green tea and orange juice are reporting higher than average sales — for the first time outpacing issues of Cosmo.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Study: If you have broadband access, you’re not safe from zombies

Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.
Scranton is the worst place to live. But we already knew that.

For a bunch of supposed professionals telling us that it’s not real, scientists sure are obsessed with the zombie apocalypse. This time, they’re telling us where in the country we should or shouldn’t go.

According to researchers as Cornell, when the zombie outbreak happens, your best bet is to go someplace where no one really lives. Specifically, Montana and Nevada. Apparently those places could go for months, while the rest of the U.S. is overtaken by the undead hordes.

The worst place to be is northeastern Pennsylvania, according to the study.

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Tokyoh-no!, War on Robots

Japanese have robot pets, doom us all

Look, a lot of weird news comes out of Japan. It makes sense that only the oddest of news would come all the way from over there. They probably only get the weirdest American news, which of course comes from Florida. But why is it that in Japan, it’s always about robots?

Sony has a line of artificial intelligence robot dogs, which is creepy enough. They can develop their own personalities and probably don’t need to be walked. But now, some people are so attached to their fake dogs that when they break, they mourn, and hold a funeral because they believe the robots have souls.

Folks, robots are like pitbulls, they can make OK pets, but never turn your back on them. We shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached to these things, we should be celebrating our ability to make complicated robots that break long before they can be a serious threat. Robot funerals should consist of nothing other than tossing them in molten metal.