To long life!

Posted on August 30, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |

If you ever pulled a muscle from excessive birthday toasting, then it will come as no surprise to you that drinkers outlive non-drinkers.

Why? Nobody knows. The raw data just indicates that teetotalers tend to die sooner than heavy drinkers, while moderate drinkers will inherit the best seats in the bar when they’re both gone.

Our personal theory? Drunken stasis.

Just like in the movie Alien, drunkards enter a deliberate low-metabolic state–or black-out. When one emerges from the blackout, they find themselves several hours, days or even years into future, though the trip passed in an instant for them.

The world of the future is frightening, bright and loud. It may take several hours to recover from their time jump, know as a hangover. That time is best spent rehydrating with Gatorade and learning what history you missed while out.

The only danger is of staying in stasis too long and awaking in a world populated by damn dirty apes! And no more Jameson’s.

Written by Rick Snee

Only 112 days until Hypothermia Season!

Posted on August 24, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |

For decades, retailers have moved Christmas earlier and earlier each year. Well, this is a recession, which means failing stores don’t get to set our calendar anymore. And who’s the only recession-proof industry? Medicine.

Which is why it is important that you panic about sledding injuries right now.

No, seriously. Drop whatever it is you’re doing that may be seasonally rational, go out to the shed and vulcanize all the sharp corners on your sledding hills. After all, what are you going to do when they’re covered with snow and it’s too late to be a good parent?

We’d also like to point out that if you’re just now preparing your Halloween Disaster Plan, then your children may have already been poisoned and lured into a Satanic cult. Way to sit on that until August, “mom.”

Written by Rick Snee

The best things in life include countermeasures

Posted on August 13, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |

It’s Friday, so we know what you little hornballs want: redheaded titis hamburgers. The greasier, the better, right?

But, what about cholesterol, frowny-face?

Never get between British scientists and their chips, because they have a solution. And by solution, they mean adding a side of statin drugs to every fast food value meal.

Statins lower the unhealthy amount of bad cholesterol–LDL–and could “offset the increased risk to the heart caused by the fat in a medium-sized cheeseburger and a small milkshake.”

We think this is a brilliant idea and would like to apply it to some other vices, like selling:

Breathmints with cigarettes.
Viagra with motorcycles.
Penicillin with your mom.

Written by Rick Snee

Also: Their dresses are too short

Posted on August 9, 2010
Filed Under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science! | 1 Comment |

Today’s headline is brought to you by Fathers of Daughters Everywhere.

Written by Rick Snee

Alcohol: The elixir of youth

Posted on July 28, 2010
Filed Under Booze News, It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |

It may seem like we champion the health benefits of booze to the point of ignoring its effects on driving. Well, you know what’s (arguably) more dangerous than drunk driving? Elderly driving.

And that’s where booze wins again. According to a retrospective British study, which was most likely performed with room temperature beer, drinking reduces susceptibility to rheumatoid arthritis.

So, you wanna stay young, loose and safe? Drink.

Written by Rick Snee

Lord Cheney: Arise

Posted on July 15, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |

Former vice president and suspected human being Dick Cheney has conquered his heart once again.

The man–who once shot a friend just to see what Johnny Cash was yapping about–had a pump implanted in his heart.

The pump is described as a “modest” artificial heart and will help circulate the oil that his body requires to function smoothly (though at some cost to the environment).

The procedure was performed in response to God’s fifth warning to Cheney, a series which kicked off when he was only 37 and increased in frequency and magnitude once he started torturing human beings.

Experts believe that he cannot possibly live through another one, but they do not know the power of the dark side.

Written by Rick Snee

We don’t want what New Zealand’s got

Posted on July 14, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky New Zealand | 1 Comment |

This just in: 95 percent of you are disgusting, and a full quarter of you are walking public health saboteurs.

Well, we can’t say that’s true for the entire population. The research was conducted exclusively in New Zealand, so really it’s the Kiwis that are trying to infect us all.

Written by Rick Snee

NASA launches decoy

Posted on July 8, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |

Still think that NASA’s mission is to explore space? Get with the times, old man. Did you hear that on your transistor radio or something? The National Aeronautics and Space Administration’s job is to reach out to Muslims.

At least that’s what NASA Administrator Charles Bolden told al-Jazeera in a recent interview. He said President Barack Obama told him his job was to inspire children’s interest in science and math, to firm up international relations and to, of course, reach out to Muslim nations.

This is a master stroke. What better way to misdirect the terrorists by reaching them through their favorite television channel and telling them we just want to be friends? They’ll never suspect that we’re working on a space laser satellite to wipe out their training camps.

Written by Bryan McBournie

The Real Story: Botox users already dead inside

Posted on June 24, 2010
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, The Real Story | 2 Comments |

While the news media may report on a story, sometimes they miss the actual story in their own reports.

Today’s case: People who receive botox injections famously have difficulty moving their faces or expressing emotion after treatment. But, according to a new study, the recipients may also experience difficulty feeling emotions as well.

The test subjects reported “less emotional response to some emotional video clips, and as a result, did not feel their emotions quite as deeply as their counterparts who received treatment with a wrinkle filler called Restylane.” Oh, my!

The Nugget:
“That said, those who received Botox reacted to the same to video clips after their injection as they did before they received the injections.” [Emphasis ours.]

So, despite this admission in the article itself, it still maintained a “botox may kill emotions” standpoint when the results were no different before and after injections. The real story here isn’t that botox kill emotions, but that people who get botox treatments may be emotionally shallow or even dead inside already.

Written by Rick Snee