Category: It Must Be Science!

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Stephen Hawking wants to end mankind with a black hole

The diabolical Dr. Stephen Hawking has come up with a new way to end us all. And this time it sounds like a sci-fi B-movie he’s pitching.

Under the guise of providing abundant energy for the Earth, Hawking has proposed that we get a tiny black hole to orbit the planet. We won’t bore you with the details we don’t understand in the first place. Basically, one of the smartest men in the world wants to first prove that black holes exist, and then capture one, and convince the entire world that it’s safe and totally not part of his plan to wipe humanity from existence.

Nice try, you Bond villain, you. But the least plausible Bond movies are the ones that involve space and satellites.

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Science: Smile, everyone

Are you a man or a woman with a face? If you answered “Yes,” you may have resting bitch face.

According to researchers, the key factors in resting bitch face and resting face (or maybe bitch face) have to do with the eyes and the corners of the mouth. The computer analysis of faces, including Kanye West, Kristen Stewart and Queen Elizabeth II, found that men and women have a pretty much equal chance of having resting bitch face.

You should smile more. You look prettier when you smile.

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Ladies, your favorite movies teach you stalking is OK, science says

Rick Grimes would later have no problem killing a person, or would have a great moral dilemma over killing a person, depending on the what episode's central conflict called for.
Rick Grimes would later have no problem killing a person, or would have a great moral dilemma over killing a person, depending on the what episode’s central conflict called for.

It’s no secret that romantic comedies all follow a script. First act: meet-cute. Second act: falling in love and then explosive argument. Third act: forgiveness. Women watch them to feel hopeful about love and relationships, and men watch them with women in hopes of getting some. But it turns out that rom-coms encourage stalking behavior.

According to a study from the University of Michigan, pretty much every romantic comedy out there features a refusal to give up on a relationship after one party (the woman, because it’s always the woman) has called it off or expressed zero interest in the other party. Through perseverance and some over-the-top romantic gestures that should set off alarm bells, the guy wins the heart of the female lead. Ladies, think of your favorite rom-com. Now think about that weird thing the guy does at the end. Creepy in real life, right?

Postdoctoral fellow Julia R. Lippman had groups of women watch half-hour clips of movies depicting rom-com stalking, violent stalking and a couple movies that have nothing to do with stalking. She found that the group that saw the violent stalking liked stalking behavior less, while the rom-com viewers, you guessed it, were more likely to be OK with it.

For your own safety, stop watching rom-coms, so you can better identify when a dude is turning all stalkery. More importantly, stop making dudes watch these films, you might be sending the wrong message.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky New Zealand

Ancient spider stands at attention for scientists

A single spider has been bragging for about 99 million years, according to researchers.

Researchers say a piece of amber found in Myanmar dates back to the days of the dinosaurs. And trapped for all eternity in that amber is a spider showing off his erection. It appears that two ancient daddy longlegs spiders decided to get it on, when they were blindsided by some tree sap. The discovery gives scientists a look at what spider penises looked liked.

In case you were wondering, the tip is shaped like a spatula. There’s an image for the next time you cook.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Your local bar improves your quality of life, study finds

Drinking alone can be fun, you don’t have anyone to judge you, you can do whatever you want while you drink, and there aren’t any jerks to deal with like at your local watering hole. But drinking alone isn’t a good habit to fall into. Fortunately, science is here to encourage you to go to the bar.

According to researchers at Oxford University, having a local pub to hang out at generally makes you happier. It’s amazing what science can teach us today. It turns out that social interaction, like that you can find at your local hole-in-the-wall, makes you feel more satisfied with your life. And the drinks almost certainly help that.

This makes sense, since we learned recently that drinking with your friends can help stave off Alzheimer’s. So go out tonight and have some drinks with those guys you know, the life you save could be your own.

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Inexorable march to death grows longer

Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.
Even elves, who age pretty well, would rather get lost at sea than live long enough to be spoon-fed by men.

Like a sweater that you never asked for, life is a gift. And now it’ll be even longer before you can get rid of it due to normal wear and tear.

The number of Americans living past 100 years old rose 40 percent since 2000. At the beginning of the Willennium, there were 50,281 centenarians; as of 2014, 72,197. Thanks to advancements in vaccines and life-extending, yet mostly terrible technologies like dialysis and artificial joints, more people are living to the point where everyone is young and awful, nothing seems familiar and everything costs more money than ever existed when you earned it.

The only plus side is that Alzheimer’s related deaths also increased by 119 percent over the same 15 years for people over 100. So, at least your last years will be a constant surprise.

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Noted scientist Stephen Hawking says science will kill us all

Time to pack it in, everyone. Humanity had a good run. We ran the world for a few thousand years, but we’re done now. At least according to renowned physicist Stephen Hawking.

Hawking, who is known to be not very optimistic about humanity, said that the more technology we develop, the more we increase our odds that everything is going to go wrong and we’ll destroy ourselves. This guy is arguably the greatest mind of our time. He does incredibly work in science, and he’s saying science is what’s going to do us in.

The man is brilliant, he’s part machine and he’s actively contributing to the extinguishing of the human race. Stephen Hawking is a real-life Bond villain.

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!, Pirates

Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of breast milk

There are at least two reasons why the pirates of the Caribbean wanted the redhead so badly.
There are at least two reasons why the pirates of the Caribbean wanted the redhead so badly.

A baby in Spain nearly died of scurvy after drinking almond milk-based formula instead of something that nutritionally resembles breast milk. Fortunately, it only took 8 months and an inability to touch his legs without causing pain before someone took him to the doctor.

Almond milk, which is mostly bullsh*t (it’s the number three ingredient after water and almonds), doesn’t contain enough vitamin C to prevent malnutrition, especially when you’re too young to suck limes on longer ocean voyages.

On hearing that breast milk could prevent scurvy, pirates are now turning down booty and finally growing up into breast men.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Wasps make your booze a reality, study says

We’ve been fighting the War on Animals for a long time. The goal isn’t to wipe animals off the face of the Earth, just mostly so. If we killed them all, we’d be forced to go vegetarian, and there is no darker fate. But now it seems that there’s one more animal we can’t live without: wasps.

According to a recent study, a species of yeast commonly used in making beer and wine can live and reproduce in the guts of wasps. Researchers say that there might be different varieties of the yeast because of cross-breeding inside the insects. Each yeast lends its own flavor to the alcohol it makes.

It seems wasps may be the drunkest species on the planet.

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Study: Guys will totally do that if you pay them enough

As it turns out, guys are way more likely to do morally wrong stuff for money than women are.

According to a recent poll, men are three times more likely than women to do things they wouldn’t normally do, like perform a sex act on a stranger, murder someone, or kick a kitten, for $1 million or $1 billion. Pretty much every guy you know is a sociopath at some level. The poll wasn’t really scientific, but if it feels accurate, that’s science-y enough, right?

We’re not saying that’s why men make more than women, but we can’t reasonably rule it out.