A religious experiment
Posted on August 19, 2008
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According to a survey in Monday’s Archives of Surgery, 57 percent of 1,000 surveyed adults believe in divine intervention: in this case, that God will step in and save dying patients.
OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.
In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:
ERROR 404
DOCUMENT NOT FOUND
HA! Suck on that, Xtians!
I can’t let you do that, Dave
Posted on August 18, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Nobody likes growing old, right? I mean, it’s pretty bothersome, what with the adult diapers, lack of beneficial driving skill, eventual coming death and shrinking of height (hey, I’m already short enough as it is). Want to be able to cheat death and also be an abomination in the eyes of any god that’s not composed of metallic logic? Then you want to be robo-frankenstein!
Yes, “Gordon”, a “frankenrobot”, has been brought to life with living brain tissue. Most interestingly enough, the brain tissue comes from rats. Awesome! Not only does this eventually prolong our life, but it helps with our war against those insidious rodents! Even more so, Gordon has been described as looking akin to the recent summer smash hit “Wall-E“. It’s so cute that it couldn’t hurt us, right?
Oh yeah, that’s right-it’s composed of the brains of dead rats. That should be an innocuous enough fact, if it weren’t for the more relevant fact that we’re currently in the middle of a war with animals. They clearly wouldn’t want to take revenge on us with their cold, steel arms, would they? Survey says: yes they would. Even an AdrienneBarbeauxbot.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSpooking the cat never became more fun
Posted on August 15, 2008
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Science’s slightly cooler cousin, technology, is at it again. This time, instead of creating jet-packs, invisibility suits are becoming closer and closer to fruition. Bending light never became more fun. While it’s obviously being looked at more for its military purposes, imagine the possibilities of personal use. Bending light never became more fun. As long as we can avoid the more horrifying possibilities (like, well, rape, murder and arson), we can then focus on the more useful purposes of an invisibility suit-such as scaring cats, small children and making shows like “Ghost Hunters” actually slightly correct.
One step closer to the American dream: invisible robot assassins to maintain global order. Yay!
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorMay your liver live on
Posted on August 14, 2008
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Imagine a world where you could drink all you want and do no harm to your body (better known as the dreamland of Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.). Hangovers may never be fully extinct, but distillers are making their products purer and purer all the time. Long term effects (liver damage, wet brain, red face, accidental marriage, whiskey-related impotence) are still a threat.
That is until now. Scientists have successfully stopped the aging process in a mouse’s liver (they know this by counting the rings). Do you know what this means? If we all get mouse liver transplants, we will never have to worry about sclerosis! Perhaps scientists can learn to stop the aging process in other organs, too. That way our hearts would not suffer from pumping so much alcohol through it and our lungs would not suffer from inhaling all that musting, smoky bar air.
We could drink on forever!
Written by Bryan McBournieWhat a surprise
Posted on August 12, 2008
Filed Under Fun Fact, It Must Be Science! | 1 Comment |
Community college faculty and students decided that a four-day work week beats working five days a week.In unrelated news: potsmokers prefer everything kept in reach of the couch.
Also, this just in: readers believe that the book is better than the movie … unless they’re writing a book repor–
We interrupt the end of this report with this emergency breaking news:
Water’s wet, but only when you touch it.
We now return to the original story in progress.
– because college students are lazy.
Written by Rick SneeWarning: Butt cancer level … rising
Posted on August 5, 2008
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After yesterday’s news that only one in four people know about their HIV-positive-life-outlook, clothing manufacturers and Science! are stepping up to the plate.
They are developing clothes that can detect cancer, mask your outrageous B.O. and even prevent the cold and flu.
And if we’ve received any indication from the auto industry, it’s that these new hybrid clothes will look just dandy on all you swells, too.
Written by Rick SneePhotoshopper’s note:
Coincidentally, I just happened to restumble upon the world’s oldest “hole in the sand” joke for the second time today. Women farting on dates is a classic, folks.
When life gives you limes, save the world
Posted on July 21, 2008
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You’re tired of 7Up, aren’t you? Not to mention, it’s getting to be late July and you’re already sick of Corona. What are you going to do with all of those limes? Perhaps it’s time you got working on reducing that carbon footprint of yours.
That’s right, the same thing Bud Light has been adding to their product to make it seem enjoyable can help you save the planet. Scientists say adding lime to ocean water may reduce carbon emissions, thereby letting Republicans the oil industry get back to making its money killing us all.
The scientists said they came up with the idea after several rounds passing around a bottle of Jose Cuervo on a recent bender.
“Dude, we should, like, totally add limes into the ocean. HAHAHAHAHA. And then, and then, no, no wait, listen you guys. SHHHHH! And then, all the acid would, like, eat away all the carbon when it rains, and–SHUT UP! And then it would make the world totally safer for everyone.”
(Via Gizmodo)
Written by Bryan McBournieTo boldy go where no one … or a lot … have gone before
Posted on July 8, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
A private Japanese company has announced that they will host weddings in space for the tidy sum of $2.3 million (just as soon as they figure out that whole “getting homemade rockets into space and not blowing up prematurely” thing.) You know what that means? Your newlywed other half now becomes the “final frontier”! Makes that time you eloped to Vegas look pretty silly, doesn’t it?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorNow THAT’S science!
Posted on June 30, 2008
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Perhaps the French and Swiss have had enough of being referred to as Europe’s darling little debutantes, because they’ve got us all scared now.
A team of scientists from both countries are ready to flip the switch on the world’s largest collider, an atom-smasher, just to see what happens. Possible results include:
- Showing us invisible matter.
- Revealing other dimensions.
- Spawning a black hole that will swallow the Earth.
- Torching the Earth with particles known as strangelets.
- Dog and cat cohabitation.
Of course, there’s one side effect that wasn’t mentioned by either concerned party or the article: massive worldwide orgies on the day it’s turned on. You know we’re stocking up on flavored massage oil.
Written by Rick SneeWhy the Antarctic birth rate is still zero
Posted on June 16, 2008
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Ever wonder what the 125 scientists at McMurdo base in Anartica do during the winter months when it’s too cold and dark for shipments to come in? They do the same thing you would do: get their freak on.
On one of the last deliveries of the season, 16,500 condoms were shipped to the base free of charge. The story is that they are shipped there and given out for free so people don’t have to be embarrassed buying them in such a small community. However, it should be obvious that with so many scientists running around, there is sure to be some chemistry.
Written by Bryan McBournie keep looking ยป