Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

Animal Warriors of the Week: Australians

Maybe this is why today’s Aussies are barely perturbed by a mere crocodile. Or why they never expected death from a stingray.

Longtime readers of SeriouslyGuys know that we’ve been at War on Animals since the founding days of this publication. Why? Because humans have always been at war with animals. And, it turns out that we’ve been winning it for the past 45,000 years in the least likely of places: Australia.

Despite being home of the deadliest animals on Earth — giant spiders, poisonous snakes, kangaroos, koalas with switchblades — things were even worse at one point in Australia. Like, “kangaroos weighing more than 1,000 pounds, 25-foot long lizards, 2,000-pound wombats, and many more huge creatures” worse. That is, until a group of new human arrivals to Oz said, “Crikey,” rolled up their sleeves and got to work eating anything larger than a can of Fosters.

And, to be sure, scientists ruled out “major changes in climate, vegetation or biomass burning.” What they couldn’t rule out? Evidence of eating cooked giant birds’ eggs in the remains of ancient cook fires — proving that you truly can’t make a civilization without cracking a few eggs.

So, good on ya, mates! Thank you for inventing both human dominance over god’s creatures great and small and the barbie!

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Science: Only hack-proof security is being drunk

It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.

There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.

Your drunk brain is completely unhackable.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Vampire bats finally live up to badass name

You can’t trust a vampire until you sift through their feces. #science

Of all the disappointing truths that ruin childhood, probably the worst — and yet most relieving — is that vampire bats don’t drink human blood. Well, now they do! [You can’t see us, but The Guys just fist-bumped through the heebie-jeebies.]

Biologists with one of the Top 100 Worst Jobs in the World discovered human blood during routine examinations of vampire bat feces instead of the usual bird blood. Seriously, though: you have look in the toilet after eating beets? Now imagine that with real blood, on the ground, in the Brazilian rainforest and with bats overhead. And, here’s the surprising part to us, it’s because they’re running out of birds to eat. In the rain forest. We don’t know if you remember The Rainforest Cafe in your ’90s mall of choice, but there was no avoiding birds. That’s a ridiculous bird shortage.

But, there’s a crazier story buried below why bats suddenly became the Ace of Spades in our War on Animals card deck:

Vampire bats, which live only in the Americas, feed by puncturing the skin of their prey with sharp incisors and lapping up the flowing blood, mixing it with saliva that prevents their gory meal from coagulating too quickly. Previous studies have shown that these bats don’t store fat in their bodies and can’t survive without food for more than a couple of days.

You guys! Now we know why vampires are always ripped!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Zombies

Science: You won’t survive the zombie apocalypse

No one will survive — not even British actors whose American accents get less genuine and harder to understand each season.

You might as well stop stocking up on bullets and beef jerky. Science says there is virtually no chance that you will survive the zombie apocalypse.

A peer-reviewed report projects that in 100 days the human population could be virtually wiped out by zombies. In fact, at the 100-day mark, there would be only 273 people still alive. Researchers assumed that each zombie would have a 90% success rate of infecting someone daily, and could live 20 days without eating. Basically, it doesn’t look good for us.

Unfortunately, this report is crap. It was conducted by undergrads, as opposed to real scientists. And the things it assumes are unrealistic. Bites are a terrible transmission method for disease, for example, rabies takes a long time to infect you. The report also leaves a lot of things out. Are they fast zombies? Are they green? How many zombies are killed by humans? Are we all infected and once we die we become undead?

Worst of all, the report doesn’t even admit that zombies are already out there, which this blog has been warning you about for years.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Walk like an emperor (penguin)

German doctors have also prescribed the proper PPE for walking across ice.

After more than 750 emergency calls and full emergency rooms two years ago due to untreated ice in Germany, the authorities have a plan in place for sub-freezing temperatures this weekend. No, it doesn’t involve actually treating the streets and sidewalks. German doctors instead suggest walking like a penguin so that their people are less likely to slip and fall onto their lederhosen or spiky helmets.

The issue stems from how your average human balances their weight when walking. Normally, we distribute our weight across both the front and back foot, which makes us more likely to fall when one foot slips. But, leaning forward over the front foot each step (which definitely needs to be clarified because we did not picture penguins doing that when walking), we’re more stable. Unless the front foot you’ve put all your faith in slips — then f*ck you.

What’s a little surprising is that the Germans chose to put all their weight on the front foot instead of the back. We’ve never seen a goose slip on ice before, so why not recommend goose stepp-

Oh. Ohhhhh.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Your male doctor is trying to kill you

We’re waiting for someone to greenlight our new medical procedural, Dr. Mansplain, OB/GYN. A new patient every week … because they always die.

An analysis of more than one million Medicare patients’ care revealed that not only do women doctors achieve better treatment outcomes for elderly patients, but “that approximately 32,000 fewer patients would die if male physicians could achieve the same outcomes as female physicians every year.”

So, take a good look at your doctor. Are they rugged? Chisel-featured? Do they have a lower voice and a penis? Then you could do better, friend. Especially since part of the problem may be that your macho physician is “mansplain-ing” your symptoms and treatment options away rather than communicate, properly diagnose you and develop a treatment plan that addresses all of your needs.

Unfortunately, you’re less likely to find a doctor who isn’t a dude-bro. Only one-third of practicing doctors are ladies — which makes male doctor’s death rates look even worse.

No, our only choice is to geld our doctors until more women take over our hospitals. It’s either Dr. Sexy or Grandpa — your choice, America.

| Filed under A Word from Our Sponsors, It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Minty-fresh, gonorrhea-free

I mean, your mouth was full already.

As mentioned earlier, we’re about three months deep in the official holiday season, which means peppermint-flavored everything that goes in your mouth. And now, we really mean everything, because Listerine could help prevent sexually transmitted infections (STIs) of antibiotic-resistant bacterial gonorrhea.

Not only does Listerine kill bacterial gonorrhea in culture dishes, but when gargled by 196 men being treated for gonorrheal throat infections, 80 percent of those men were gonorrhea-free five minutes later.

So, it looks like we’ll be putting out a peppermint stick for Ol’ Saint Nick when he’s coming down our chimney now.

(Apologies to Andy Williams, but … you know what? No. Andy got that song stuck in our heads and now we’re ruining it with Aquafresh-flavored dick. Deal with it.)

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Machines know how the scene will end

In the future, machines will ruin movie and TV show plots for us. People who gloat about reading the books that modern entertainment is based on are only are the second worse group on the planet, following ISIS. But what if robots were just as bad?

Researchers at MIT have taught neural networks how to guess how a scene is going to play out based on a still image. They produce videos based on what they think is most likely to happen. They are getting pretty good at it, too. Some 20% of the time, they tricked humans into believing that their videos were the real outcome of the scene. This means that at some point they will be able to call the endings of scene before they happen, because they know how humans thing. Also, one day, the machines will make our most formulaic movies (superhero origin stories, romcoms, Fast and Furious sequels, etc.) for us to keep us complacent and easy to herd.

It will also mean that we can blame bad writing on machines, so that’s good.

| Filed under Historical Hot or Not, It Must Be Science!

Queen’s knees really the cat’s pajamas

Ancient Egyptian grave robbers were apparently “everything but legs” men.

If you’ve ever wondered why scientists love studying ancient Egypt so much, it’s probably because the case load is so bizarre. (That, and, mummification does make it easier to find out what people actually looked like and did, so take that, Sumerians.) Take, for instance, the mysterious set of disembodied knees in Queen Nefertari’s tomb.

Nefertari’s tomb was ransacked, big time. By the time archaeologists pith-helmeted their way into her burial chamber (diggity), over two-thirds of everything was gone. And we mean everything, because all they found in human remains was maybe one-third of the queen herself.

That’s where it gets even weirder: they couldn’t just assume those were her knees. Theories ranged from they were from another burial before or after Nefertari or possibly even a set of rando knees that washed in from a flood. Because that’s something that just happens outside of New Jersey.

But, with enough evidence, including carbon dating and bone daintiness measurements — whoever had those knees spent a lot of hours reclining — scientists are finally confident enough to say that, yes, these are the Queen’s knees. And she knew how to not use them.

Meanwhile, we’re still looking for King Tut’s erect penis.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Nostalgia Craze Gone Too Far

Extinct plant perfume: Smells like nostalgia

For the last couple centuries, humanity has been kicking ass in the War on Plants. But some perfume makers want to bring some of those long-extinct species back–at least their scents.

Ginkgo Bioworks is going to make a whole new slew of scents from plants that have gone extinct in the last 2oo years or so. Researchers plan to take DNA from extinct plants and splice them into yeast to create produce the essence of the plants’ flowers. Of course, no one living can actually verify what these plants smelled like, so it’s very possible they’re just going to charge you for a bottle of scientist farts.

It’s sort of like Jurassic Park, only stuff is only a couple hundred years old and none of it will kill you, unless chaos theory is right again.