Scientists grow human brains in mice, doom us all

Science is fun and all, but it’s widely accepted that it’s slowly marching us all to the end of civilization. Consider this one step on that march.

Researchers have grown tiny human brains inside of mice, which are known to carry disaease. That’s not us punching up some boring study, they really did it. It’s the first time that scientists have been able to grow a human brain in another species, so, congrats? The researchers, who are deluding themselves, say this is a major breakthrough in stem cell research.

What is really means is that science is that much closer to making animals as smart as us. And when that happens, we’re in for it.

If you give a mouse E. coli

Be on the lookout for diseased NYC mice. They’re somewhere out there.

Who among us hasn’t cried watching An American Tail? (It’s OK, the Internet can’t see you nodding.) Fievel Mousekewitz, a young mouse from Russia, emigrates to America to escape Cossack cats and ends up separated from his family in New York City. Of course it’s sad — because Fievel is an illegal immigrant carrying superbugs.

A study of mice throughout New York City reveals that Fievel’s great-great-great-great-great … (mouse generations are ridiculous) … great-grandchildren are carrying disease-causing bacteria, including a few antibiotic-resistant germs.

Three percent of the mice carried Salmonella bacteria, 14 percent carried disease-causing Shigella, 12 percent carried the food poisoning germ Clostridium perfringens, 4 percent carried enteropathogenic Escherichia coli and 4 percent carried Clostridium difficile, a notorious cause of often-fatal chronic diarrhea.

“Often-fatal chronic diarrhea.” Clearly, crying our lungs out at their songs wasn’t enough for these Trojan mice.

If you see signs of mice in your domicile, it is critical to take steps to either catch or kill them and clean up all possible surfaces with bleach to disinfect contagion due to urine and feces. And we have to act fast before these vermin go west.

Study: There’s poop on your clothes

If you’re the type of person who likes to go to a store and try on clothes before buying them, rather than just purchasing them online, the dying retail industry thanks you. But you should also know that you’re wearing some nasty germs.

Researchers have found that a lot of garments in stores have some nasty stuff on them. Because people touch them, try them on, and put them back, these things just sit there growing bacteria and viruses on them — even fecal remnants. You don’t even have to buy the garments, just by touching them, you pick up all of that stuff on your hands. And it sits there waiting for you to touch your eye, or your nose, or to eat something.

Worst of all, if you wear the clothes without washing them first, it’s all over you. And that’s our excuse for not going shopping with our significant others.

All the cool beer geeks are drinking dairy waste now

If there’s one thing we’ve proven here over the years it’s that we should not be considered a trusted news source. If there are two things that we’ve proven here, the second would be that beer is basically a miracle drink. But watch out, craft beer fans, we hear that dairy waste is the hot new trend.

Researchers at Cornell are brewing up an alcoholic beverage made from dairy waste — you know, appetizing stuff like that watery stuff at the top of your yogurt when you open it up. Who doesn’t love drinking that? Now you can drink it and get a buzz off of it.

The thinking is that if dairy waste can be turned into a marketable product, it will make the dairy industry that much cleaner and profitable.

Or you could just drink that month-old milk in your fridge. Probably some kind of fermentation in there, too.

 

Voodoo dolls are key to a happy workplace, study says

It’s Friday. You’re nearly through the work week. Are you exhausted? Has your boss been getting you down? Science says you need a voodoo doll.

According to a recent study of American and Canadian, having a voodoo doll of the boss can do wonders for morale around the office. Workers seemed to enjoy blowing off steam by symbolically punishing their bosses. Stabbing a fake boss was found to lower feelings of workplace injustice by one third.

So don’t steam over the latest work stress this weekend. Don’t drink until you finally feel free from the yoke of your office. Start sewing. You’ll feel better when you’re done.

Study suggests we’re evolving to hate booze

Science is here again to tell us about the awful future. Hold on for this one, because it’s about a world without booze.

According to a recent study, humans may be evolving to have an aversion to alcohol. Researchers analyzed the genomes of 2,500 people from four different continents, and what they found will have you reaching for a bottle: a significant amount of people have gene variants that basically give them really bad hangovers. This condition is so bad that those who have these gene variants likely don’t drink much, if at all. If this gene variant spreads widely enough across the human population, we could one day turn into a race of teetotalers.

Wasn’t the next stage in human evolution supposed to give us laser eyes and telepathy?

Wine: The hot new trend in mouth wash

You’ve probably seen friends passing around a news story about how wine can increase your longevity. It doesn’t. It just says that people who are 90 or whatever and drink wine seem to be in better shape mentally than those who don’t. But science has found that wine might actually be good for the health of your mouth.

According to a recent study in Spain, some of the chemicals found in red wine can actually prevent tooth decay and gum disease. Polyphenols have been shown to kill harmful bacteria in your mouth, decreasing your chances of having mouth problems, aside from purple lips and teeth, and slurring your words. They have even been found to have positive effects on your gut bacteria.

The Guys aren’t dentists, but we recommend keeping a bottle of cabernet next to your toothbrush. It’s the only mouth wash that’s safe to swallow.

Science: Booze is good for your brain

Large amounts of alcohol are known to have an ill effect on the brain (aside from headaches), but new research suggests that lower amounts can actually improve your brain function. That’s right, booze not only makes you feel smarter, it might actually make you smarter, too.

Researchers have found that lower amounts of alcohol, we’re talking a drink or two tops, can help improve the function of the glymphatic system, which helps clear waste from the body. Mice that were given small amounts of booze showed had less inflamed glial cells in the brain than mice that weren’t given a drop. Meaning, the alcohol actually helped the mice clean their brains faster than if they’d just stayed sober.

So if your brain could use a good cleaning, maybe relax with a couple drinks and let the booze do the work.

Don’t drink beer like the ancient Greeks

“Name an IPA after me, not that jerk Pliny.”

When you think of drinking in the ancient world, you probably think about wine. You’re not wrong. But it turns out that cabernet sauvignon isn’t the only paleo booze out there. Especially in the cradle of democracy.

Researchers have discovered a lot of evidence that the ancient Greeks brewed and drank beer. At the sites of two ancient Greek towns dating back to 2000 B.C., scientists found some buildings associated with brewing and grains used to make beer, as well as a whole bunch of cups near the grains.

The only thing is that because the cups are shaped in a way that drinking out of them would be very difficult, researchers believe the ancient Greeks drank beer with straws. And who does that?

Foolish scientists teach orca to speak English

Researchers spend countless hours every year observing animals to try to understand how they communicate. And aside from a few bird owners, no one has bothered trying to teach animals how to talk like us. Until now.

Wikie the orca has learned how to imitate certain sounds, including the word “Hello.” Researchers say they taught the beast how to say a few different words to demonstrate the species’ mimicking abilities. Of course, they forgot that they were teaching English to freaking killer whales. Once they know what we’re saying, there’s no doubt they will use it against us. The only consolation we have is that Wikie lives in an aquarium in France, where her skills won’t be of much use.

The up side is that Wikie was also taught how to mimic fart noises incredibly well.