Here’s another reason we need to eliminate animals from the planet: they don’t respect our music.
According to a new study, ladybugs that are exposed to rock ‘n roll music tend to eat fewer aphids than those who had no dining music or listened to soft country music, which is of course, worse than anything. Researchers at Mississippi State University found that exposing these predatory bugs to AC/DC made them lose their appetites, which is bad news if you’re a farmer or gardener.
So, no more rocking out while you till the soil. You could have an infestation on your hands.
If there’s one thing we’ve always said here at SeriouslyGuys, it’s that you shouldn’t read. But do you listen? And now there are books that could kill you.
The library at the University of Southern Denmark recently pulled three Renaissance-era books that have arsenic on their pages. The books were covered in arsenic-laced paint that had been applied back in the 19th century, when people thought arsenic was totally safe as long as you didn’t swallow it.
So put down those books, people. It could just save your life.
If you want to be smarter, all you need to do is see yourself as Albert Einstein, according to a recent study.
In a recent study, people pictured themselves as the famed physicist with some help from virtual reality. Wearing a body suit and VR headset, the test subjects saw themselves as Albert Einstein, and it turned out that they did better on cognitive tests because of it. Simply seeing themselves as someone smarter actually made them smarter.
These people were then mocked by people who saw themselves as jocks.
More people live on the East and West Coasts than in the rest of the U.S. Is it beaches? The infrastructure? The overall higher standard of life? Science may have the answer.
According to a recent study of 500 couples trying to have a baby, lovers who eat more seafood have more active sex lives and are also more likely to conceive. Couples who ate seafood were 39% more likely to get it on that very same day. Further, 92% of the couples that ate seafood more than twice a week conceived by the end of the study.
So there may be more people on the coasts simply because we have better access to seafood, and bang more.
Scientists also learned that the blood suckers will remember to avoid you if you swat at them. So flail around like a crazy person for a few minutes when mosquitoes are around, and you’ll never have to worry about them bothering you.
If there’s one thing the Millennial haven’t ruined, it’s coffee. Although they have certainly tried. But here comes an earnest attempt to make the one good thing about mornings into something awful.
Researchers in Australia have come up with what they hope will be the next big trend: broccoli coffee. The Australian government teamed up with a private research group to come up with coffee brewed with broccoli powder to get people to eat their veggies, Vegemite notwithstanding. They make powder out of broccoli, and add it into the coffee and say it doesn’t taste that bad. Scientists say two spoonfuls of that crap is equal to a serving of vegetables.
Broccoli powder can be added into any drink, not just coffee. We give it a week before it ruins beer, too.
Opioids: they kill pain, they destroy lives and they make it tough to poop. We thought it was just a problem for humans, we were wrong.
A new study has found that mussels in Puget Sound are hooked on opioids, too. Researchers tested mussels in 18 different areas of the sound, and three of those areas tested positive for oxycodone. And get this, the liberal hippie scientists in Washington state claim it’s not the addicts’ fault. Instead, they blame humans, who take oxy and then pee it out, and that pee makes it into Puget Sound, where the mussels absorb it.
The mussels say they just like to party and can quit any time they want, and they don’t care what you think about them.
There are a lot of weird looking animals on this planet. Sometimes we even say they look like aliens. It’s possible we’ve been right the whole time.
According to a study published in a peer-reviewed journal, squid and octopi may have come from outer space. Octopi have the ability to edit their own RNA, which is an ability not found in any other branch of the animal kingdom. Given that recent studies have found that it is possible for organic molecules to exist in space, researchers argue that life may have come from other worlds. They argue that the scientific community can not rule out that squid or octopus eggs, or even the animals themselves, came to Earth millions and millions of years ago this way.
Alright, everyone. You’re probably wondering why we gathered all 197 signers of the Montreal Protocol here, today, on this comedy blog.
Look, ladies and fellas, we all agreed to stop emitting chlorofluorocarbons back in 1987 to stop Ted Turner’s production of further episodes of Captain Planet. And yet somehow, we suddenly have an uptick in measurable CFC11, which, as we all know, is the second most common CFC that destroys our ozone layer.
So, let’s apply the conditions of what may very well be written into the protocol to suss this out.
“Para. 24, Item a. The party who smelt it dealt it.” Do we really believe that study lead author Stephen Montzka, a research chemist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is responsible for it? Sure, ozone woes (woezones?) are good for NOAA business, but since when did ol’ Steph get into the plastics and/or refrigeration industry?
“Para. 93, Subpara. 2, Item f. The party who denied supplied it.” I see a lot of representatives here not fessing up–China, Koreas, Mongolia–which is technically denial by omission. And denial of omission of emissions is explicitly the kind of thing that made Montreal write this protocol in steak salt and poutine gravy in the first place.
“Section 31, Bullet 12. The party who deduced it produced it.” Oh, no. We’re not shifting the blame onto The Guys to stymie this meeting and move on to the bacon bar buffet. Everyone knows that SeriouslyGuys phased out CFCs in our jokes back in 2014 once we realized that nobody remembers the ozone layer anymore.
So, anybody have anything to say for themselves? Anybody at all? Alright. Caterers, please extinguish the Sterno from the bacon bar.
At least once a day you see an article written by some old person blaming Millennials for ruining society, as if they are making conscious decisions to murder book stores or malls and they alone are able to kill off these things. Looks like we’re probably not going to be having sex anymore, either, because Millennials are killing that, too. Thanks a lot, whatever generation is old enough to work but not yet have power.
According to a study of 16,000 people born in 1989 and 1990, who have been tracked since the age of 14, one in eight 26-year-olds is still a virgin. Researchers say it’s a response to the hypersexualized society they have grown up in, and the fear of their performance being ridiculed on social media.
But the real reason is that Millennials hate everything that is good, like record shops, smoking and napkins. This is what happens when you hand out participation trophies.