Contrary to what ubiquitous Coca-Cola advertising would have you believe, the human race drinks more water than any other liquid. (Granted, water is the biggest ingredient in Coke, but shut up.) You could even say we’re addicted to water, especially when it’s mixed with fermented hops and barely.
And people (if we can call you that), we have hit rock bottom.
As our aquifers of freshwater run out, we’re looking for new sources of our fix. Among these possibilities are a series of untapped freshwater reserves located under our oceans. And the biggest one found so far is off the coast of New Jersey.
Take heart, citizens! Science is here to save you from your hangover … at some point.
Rather than the hassle of hydrating and loading up on vitamins to avoid or minimize a hangover, one researcher has a cure for you. David Nutt, head of neuropsychopharmacology (which is surprisingly hard to say when drunk) at Imperial College in London, claims he has found five compounds that can replicate the effects of alcohol without the damage to your brain, or your liver or heart, for that matter.
Nutt seems to have only tried his concoction on himself, and reported a decent buzz. Then he took the antidote and sobered up right away. He’s a modern-day Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Drunkass. The substitute for booze still needs more testing, and won’t be seen for a while, if ever, on the market.
For now, the only fake alcohol you can drink comes in wine coolers.
If it weren’t for urine, life would certainly suck for the Bristol Robotics Laboratory.
We should explain that.
The lab originally developed the EcoBot, which runs on the corpses of insects that it traps. This seemed like a practical idea … to anyone who hasn’t wasted $6 on a Venus Flytrap, only to see it dead in a week. There just aren’t enough flies to keep it running, not even if you design the robot’s collection nozzle or whatever to look like the eye of one of those starving kids from the Sally Struthers ads.
(Tangent: What happened to those kids? Were they fed to the Sarah McLachlan dogs, or are they all working tech support now?)
So, they developed an alternate fuel after what we assume was a very fun night out on the town: urine. Not just urine, but urine pumped through an artificial heart. And all it took was one scientist saying he had to pee so bad that his blood smelled like lager and asparagus. We assume, anyway.
Special thanks to Patrick H. for bringing this to our attention!
What? You had a stronger word? It’s plausible that robots might not stab humans just because they’re holding knives. They could merely slice, eviscerate, decapitate, or puncture humans.
Cornell University robot developers devised a new training method that simplifies the robot training process so that you don’t need 10 advanced degrees to tell Data that you prefer your sandwiches cut diagonally, not straight across. Among the sample tasks was teaching a cashier robot not to stab people with the knives it was ringing up.
And you know what the next step will be: putting all those human cashiers out of work who can’t ring up a Ginsu without tempering the blade in customer guts. To which we say, those sociopaths have to eat, too, Cornell, and you just dook deir jorbs.
It’s pretty clear that if tobacco, orgasms and now cookies that take more steps to eat than changing a lightbulb are more addictive than drugs … then maybe, maybe we need to reconsider what we use as our baseline measurement of addiction.
We’re not saying cocaine isn’t addictive. Just that, you know, maybe we should start comparing all other addictions to something more substantive if everything’s more addictive than cocaine.
It took 40,000 years, but it looks like respected British geneticist Bryan Sykes has finally cracked the mysterious Case of the Yeti: Man-Beast or Symptom of Living at the World’s Highest Elevation? And the results point to the chicanery of our constant animal foe: bears.
The Guys are shocked and appalled, mostly because we trusted you, Sasquatch. We brought you into our home after hitting you with our station wagon, and how do you repay us? By being that which we hate most: a bear. Also, by eating all of our ice cream, which was clearly labelled “NOT FOR BEARS.”
The Guys being, well, guys, know better than anyone how important sperm count, morphology and motility is to men. They are, after all, the third, fourth and fifth factors by which we compare ourselves to competitors, right after penis length and pissing distance. (Note: penis length can be an unfair advantage in pissing contests, which is why urine streams are measured from the urethra to point of contact with the ground or objet d’piss.)
Good News: Countering previous research, caffeine itself does not affect your sperm! Holding a hot coffee cup between your legs, however, does.
Bad News: Bacon — and other processed meats — deforms your sperm, and while women love the Hunchback of Notre Dame as much as they love bacon, they still don’t want millions of Quasimodos or Oscar Meyers inside of them.
Good News: Alcohol doesn’t affect your sperm, either! And, since they’re not driving, there’s no reason to believe they pose a risk to other organs and cells on the way to the egg. (Just careers and bank accounts.)
Indifferent News: Exercise (except bike-riding) and fish also improve your sperm. So, that’s good news if you’re a weightlifter in Maine.
Are you tired of being bossed around by commercials? Don’t you wish you didn’t have to switch beer brands just because an ad made you horny or laugh? Now there’s a way to mindlessly watch commercials without losing self-control and consumer choice: popcorn.
A recent set of experiments indicates that, when exposed to a new product name in advertising, we simulate its pronunciation with our mouths. Unless our yaps are full of popcorn. Then we’re unable to remember it later, which means we just spent the past 30 seconds chomping, chewing, unproductively tonguing at bits of corn skin between our teeth and simply watching the bright, shiny colors pass before us, undigested (just like the un-popped kernels).
So, be clever while looking like a cow: buy Orville Reddenbacher’s new Ad-Blocker Popping Kernals today.