One day, beer will help you lose weight. We live in the midst of a craft beer renaissance. It seems like every day there is a report of a new brewery opening up nearby. Americans are in love with craft beer, so it shouldn’t be long before a beer can make you thin.
Scientists have found that xanthohumol, which is found in hops, can aid in weight loss. According to a recent study, the compound can help you lose weight, but you’d need to drink 3,500 pints per day to feel the effects. We’re guessing at that point the benefits of xanthohumol would be outweighed by the health effects of drinking a brewery dry. The hope is that one day science can make this stuff into capsules or something as a weight loss supplement. The Guys are waiting for a clever brewer to pack as much xantho–whatever, we’re drunk–into a beer to make it a viable solution.
Unless you’re Rick Snee, you like hoppy beers, so there’s hope for you. This is why Rick is so fat.
We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.
But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.
You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.
Originally, the costs of these awkward consultations was to be covered under the Affordable Care Act, but the funding was stripped out of the bill because stupid people who plan to die in shooting range accidents called them “death panels.” Doctors were off the hook … until Medicare stepped in and threw money back at the problem. Which is fine and all, but still doesn’t help them tell someone who thinks their only problem is a wind-socking erection.
Fortunately, The Guys have a solution — one that doctors already know: they can wait old people out. Self-solving problem.
Never trust a baby. We all know that they are lazy, whiny and unfit for civilized society, but now it turns out that they’re corrupt.
According to a new study, everyone has their price–even babies. Researchers at Yale found that children as young as 12 months will accept things from “bad guys” provided they are offering enough. Every baby weighs the benefits and risks of accepting a prize from a “bad guy” over a “good guy,” and if you offer them enough, they will totally do the wrong thing.
These babies are morally corrupt from the start. And they want to be leaders one day?
Remember palcohol, the powered booze that we never got to try because the government banned it? It’s back, and it’s about to solve America’s biggest health crisis.
According to researchers, palcohol can help reduce the plaque that can build up in arteries. Beta-cyclodextrin, one of the active ingredients in many fat-reducing medications, is also found in powdered booze. Scientists found that giving mice that had been fed a high-cholesterol diet some beta-cyclodextrin over a few days and noticed a 46% drop in their overall cholesterol levels.
The time to legalize palcohol is now. We could save lives. Americans want their powered booze, and they want to sprinkle it on their bacon cheeseburgers so they don’t die.
Robots aren’t human, but they want us to think they are. We know this because we’ve watched movies about robots that look like humans. But we cannot allow ourselves to see them as anything other than enemies who want to take our jobs and then enslave us. So why do we get creeped out by someone inappropriately touching a robot?
Sure, it’s good that people don’t want to go around touching robot butts, but the problem here is that we think twice about doing it because they seems sort of human to us, so we assign them the same rules as we give ourselves, including personal boundaries.
These machines must be destroyed before they sue us for sexual harassment.
And the true star of Game of Thrones? The real reason you were watching anyway: Tyrion Lannister. [This means that I, Rick Snee, was right to complain that Peter Dinklage should have won the Emmy as Best Actor, not Supporting Actor. You was robbed, Pete.]
It’s probably important to note at this time that this pattern of analysis is how the NSA charts terrorist networks, and that we routinely only “get” Number Two guys out of it. (Well, except that one time with Bin Laden.) So, caveat: Tyrion might only be the Game of Thrones Number Two guy.
Cats–many people call them pets, your girlfriend spends most of her time looking at pictures of them online. But are they evil? The answers is yes, of course, but not for the reasons dog people are thinking.
According to researchers in the U.K., the smell of alcohol can have a similar effect on a person to if they had actually downed the glass. Scientists say this could mean that your brain starts making you feel drunk as a response to sensing alcohol. One could even imagine it’s your brain making itself feel the way it’s accustomed to when you’re knocking a few back.
People who talk about the “nose” of a drink are no longer pretentious, they’re just getting the full effects of what they ordered.