Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Breaking news: Trans fat are STILL bad for you

How Paula Deen forgot that the n-word isn't a go these days is now explained.
How Paula Deen forgot that the n-word isn’t a go these days is now explained.

Approximately 10 or so years ago, science broke the news that trans fat, that which is in just about everything that’s not good for you, was not good for you. People were shocked! Did this mean their french fries shouldn’t be eaten in mass quantities?! Was eating an entire package of Oreos a … gasp … bad thing?

The answer to these questions was yes. As such, food companies made numerous and public proclamations that they’d change the ingredients of their food. No more would they use trans fat, but instead a different kind of fat. It was essentially using a slightly shinier pile of poo.

Now, science has come back to us, stating to the masses that trans fat is still bad, just this time around, they might be screwing up your memory. This is literally niche news, as it affects the percentage of people who didn’t give up their snack sticks of butter. Perhaps upon seeing the headline, they’ll rethink their choices. The study tells us otherwise, as in 5 minutes, the news will be literally forgotten in lieu of getting another butter snack stick.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

You kiss your mother with that bacteria?

"Achtung, baby. Wanna raise your IQ a few points (presuming that bacteria has anything to do with it)?"
“Achtung, baby. Wanna raise your IQ a few points (presuming that bacteria has anything to do with it)?”

Taking a break from their perpetual contact high, Dutch scientists examined kissing. And they found that your average 10-second Freedom Kiss can transfer up to 80 million bacteria between participants.

To figure out what transfers most readily from tongue-to-tongue contact, the scientists had one participant from each pair drink a probiotic drink. And, based on the results, they hope to one day use this research to help “design future bacterial therapies and help people with troublesome bacterial problems.”

So, if you don’t like yogurt, you could always try making out with Jamie Lee Curtis.*


*SeriouslyGuys is in no way responsible for what Jamie Lee Curtis’ security does to you for attempting to make out with her.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

The newest weapon in the war on penguins is a rover

It’s seems almost two obvious to state: penguins are one of the greatest threats to our way of life. Their main assault is on our children, with their cuteness and dancing abilities. Now, we can spy on them like never before.

Scientists have created a fake baby penguin that the beasts will accept as their own and record everything on camera. Once it infiltrates the herd, scientists can observe the penguins without scaring them. The more we learn about them, the easier it will be to defeat them.

Right now, it’s basically just a stuffed baby penguin on wheels, but we hope it will soon be outfitted with machine guns.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Don’t let science take away our fear

"[... The] only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and that fear is what will beat the snot out of the Nazis and anything with more than two legs."
“[… The] only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and that fear is what will beat the snot out of the Nazis and anything with more than two legs.”
The Guys have long been skeptical of science. For instance, if scientists are so sure about their theories and processes, then why do they always wear goggles? What’s the matter, nerds? Not sure how those combustible chemicals really work?

That’s why it’s especially concerning that doctors accidentally removed a man’s natural and necessary fear of spiders while also removing part of his brain that caused his seizures.

Before his surgery, he had arachnophobia, which is what keeps shoe manufacturers and newspaper publishers in business. Afterwards, he reportedly became fascinated by spiders. That’s not good. Fascination is a slippery slope to letting them live, and letting spiders live is how we all get creeped out by them.

He also reportedly became temporarily repulsed by music. Unfortunately, he regained music appreciation before we could find out what “The Itsy-bitsy Spider” would do to him psychologically.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

The fame will kill you

Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.

No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.

Enjoy your long life being a nobody.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Herpes: now with plausible deniability

"Hey, baby. How's about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?"
“Hey, baby. How’s about we forget ourselves for a little bit and bump bumps?”

If you’re embarrassed about your case of herpes, don’t worry. In a couple of decades, you’ll forget you ever got them. That’s because the antibodies associated with the herpes simplex virus has been linked to Alzheimer’s disease.

Two separate studies found that herpes may cause 40 to 50 percent of Alzheimer’s cases, although that could be because the people getting herpes already for got to wear a condom or not kiss people whose lips look like Krakatoa.

Paired with today’s earlier news about booze helping your memory in later years — and we all know what happens when you drink: herpes — your chances of retiring with an unimpaired brain are now a wash.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

It’s official: sex isn’t crap

It's also the Scots' fault when you have to hold hands and "make love for once."
It’s also the Scots’ fault when you have to hold hands and “make love for once.”

Just when you thought the Scottish couldn’t get any smugger (yet manage to stay British), get ready for the mother of all come-ons: the Scots invented sex.

Scientists discovered the oldest species to fertilize each other internally: a species of ancient Scottish lake fish. About 385 million years ago, Microbrachius dicki (yes, dicki) got tired of the old you-lay-‘em-and-I’ll-spray-‘em spawning technique in favor of a bit of the old in-out, in-out copulation.

Rather than do it people- or drunk people-style — you may call it “doggie” — the male and female fish swam up to each other side by side. And that’s where the magic happened, sidehatch-style:  Continue reading

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, WE DID IT!

This is the dawning of the age of the anthropocene

Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!
Welcome to the Anthropocene Period, where the entire world is our termite mound. Woo!

Get out your hippie skirts and aerosol cans: it’s time to dance amongst the tree trunks in deforested plains and skinny dip in the aquatic dead zones. We’re celebrating because this is the dawning of the age of the Anthropocence, age of the Anthropocene. Anthropo-ceeeeeeeeene! An-throoooo-po-ceeeeeeeeeeene!

The American Association for the Advancement of Science, along with astronaut and associate administrator for science at NASA John Grunsfeld, have coined the term for our current era. It is based on the period of time where humanity has directly impacted the climate, ozone, nitrogen and phosphorous cycles, oceans, endocrine disruptors and forests — all of which is now observable from space.

So, congratulations, humans! We’ve made our mark! Eat it, Holocene Period! You can go pound sedentary with those loser Pleistocenes!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Killer whales may be listening to you right now

It’s just bad news after bad news for this one. Prepare yourselves, everyone.

Bad news: Studies have found that at least two species of animals can learn each other’s languages.

Worse news: The orca (you know, killer whales) can understand and speak the language of bottlenose dolphins.

The worst news: These bilingual monsters are captive, which means they have access to humans. And that means they could learn our languages, too.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

What’s good for the goose’s hoo-haw

This is a severe blow against the future codpiece industry jobs market that we were promised.
This is a severe blow against the future codpiece industry jobs market that we were promised.

It’s been over a year since we reported that lab workers began successfully growing replacement vaginas. They’re still doing that, by the way, which has helped treat teenage women with medical conditions.

And now, we have the “his” model. Yes, we can nearly create and transplant lab-grown penises. It’s meant for males experiencing similar birth defects, but we’re positive that this medical breakthrough will in no way be exploited by the old, rich and horny.

But, if you are planning to shell out for an upgrade, it’s gonna be a little wait. The line starts forming for the iPud in five years while researchers continue to work the kinks out.

The kinks are in the shaft, by the way.

 

Penis.