NASA uses many materials, but not Goop

“Alright, Commander Shephard. This masking tape should realign your sex chakras, which I don’t have to tell you will calm your internal seminal fluid dynamics and help you read better in low light.”

Remember those Memory Foam mattress ads (maybe they’re still on late night television) and how they’d claim they were developed for and approved by “the space agency,” complete with a weird almost, but not quite NASA-y logo? That was because, even though Memory Foam was developed for a NASA mission, you can’t use the NASA name or logo to sell things.

Well, as Gwyneth Paltrow and Body Vibe learned recently, that’s also the case for bullsh*t that NASA did not approve.

NASA issued a statement Friday that they don’t use carbon fiber materials in space suits to monitor — much less heal — astronauts’ vital signs. This was to counter claims made by Body Vibe on Ms. Paltrow’s blog lifestyle site, Goop, that their $5 to $6 body stickers can restore “our internal balance” to an “an ideal energetic frequency.” Well, we don’t have to tell you that this “calming effect” is essential for maintaining energy reserves, strengthening immune systems and alleviating “physical tension and anxiety” — that’s just Science. (And we f*ckin’ love Science.)

So, for now Goop is NASA-free until they verify Body Vibe’s claim. Which should happen any day now, we’re sure …

Let’s check in on the coming apocalypse

Dr. Stephen Hawking, famous physicist and total bummer at a party, is continuing to say that mankind is doomed. In fact, we’ve only got a century left, so we should probably get going on the colonizing of somewhere else.

We’ve got robots to worry about, climate change, nuclear war, even genetically engineered diseases coming our way. And because of that, the world needs to work together to colonize the moon in 2020 and Mars in 2025. Beyond that, mankind will need to further colonize space if it is to survive, as Earth’s resources are dwindling, Dr. Chuckles said.

But there is good news: we may not have to wait that long for life on Earth as we know it to come to an end. As you know, there is a supervolcano that sits beneath Yellowstone National Park. Well, there have been a series of earthquakes at the supervolcano. If it erupts, it would kill a lot in the immediate area, but it would also send enough ash into the atmosphere to block out the sun for much of the planet, which would surely kill crops and lead to a worldwide famine. The U.S. Geological Survey says these quakes don’t indicate an eruption, but of course they would say that.

Two-headed flatworms grow on space station

Based on a true story.

Earlier this week we told you that astronauts could be making their own crumb-free bread on the International Space Station next year. But we just learned that something equally unnatural was growing up there recently.

According to a new report, some tiny flatworms were send to the ISS and spent nearly two years up there. When they were returned to Earth, scientists found that some of them had grown two heads, one at each end of their body. Researchers also noted that the space flatworms were acting somewhat differently than their kin who have only lived on Earth.

We don’t know what this means, but you can be sure that it’s not going to be good for mankind.

Sandwiches going back to space after 52-year ban

Bread is thought to be one of the earliest and most universal foods made on Earth, but it’s been banned in space. That will all change next year aboard the International Space Station.

That’s when an experiment in baking crumb-free bread will be carried out on the ISS. Like your hippie neighbors, astronauts will be baking their own bread. The bread ban has been in place since 1965, when two NASA astronauts brought a corned beef sandwich into space during the Gemini 3 mission. Scientists said crumbs from the bread could have gotten into the circuitry of the spacecraft. And it’s been tortillas-only ever since.

But researchers believe they have come up with a way to bake bread in space using a recipe that shouldn’t create crumbs. No doubt it will be the Tang of the bread world.

Bad dog edits scientific journals

You shouldn’t trust science — not because it doesn’t line up with your religion, politics or financial interests — but because the entire field has been corrupted by animals.

Don’t believe us? One Australian dog sits on the editorial board of seven different medical journals. To make matters worse, he’s a pit bull, a breed that takes its name from a Florida rapper who has been involved with some of the worst music in modern history. Ollie the dog goes by Dr. Olivia Doll in her written work.

The so-called media will have you believe that this was all a plot by Ollie’s owner, a public health researcher named Mike Daube, to show how some scientific journals don’t thoroughly vet (heh) their experts. But we know that this dog, which may be one of the smartest dogs ever to exist, has done this on her own, with the assistance of the human she keeps around, to misguide mankind.

It’s entirely reasonable to believe that she’s not the only infiltrator.

Children of divorce can blame skin, bowel issues on parents

If your parents are divorced, and you have health issues, congratulations, you can blame that on Mom and Dad, too!

According to researchers in Spain, children whose parents are divorced are more likely to have neurological, gastrointestinal or dermatological problems, or even problems with their genitals. Researchers believe that the ailments are all related to stress, which is linked to the splitting up of the parents.

Stay together for the zits.

Drink your tits off

In the decision between heart and breast health, The Guys are firm believers that it’s what’s under your ribs that count.

Not to be a buzz kill, but a new report from the World Cancer Research Fund and the American Institute for Cancer Research reinforces a connection between daily drinking and breast cancer. And not in the good way like daily drinking and heart health. More like daily drinking and liver health.

According to research, sipping an impossibly small amount of alcohol a day — like, who only drinks a small glass of wine or only 8 ounces (half a pint) of beer? — corresponded with “a 5% increased breast cancer risk in premenopausal women and 9% increase in postmenopausal women.”

So, for those keeping score at home, the score between drinking and not drinking remains dead even. If that doesn’t call for a drink, we don’t know what does.

Study: Journalists’ brains don’t work good due to booze, caffeine

Journalists are all idiots, just ask your average Fox News viewer. In terms of popularity, journalists often poll lower than lawyers, but still ahead of members of Congress. Now, scientists believe they have figured out why reporters are so dumb.

According to a study, journalists’ brains are inhibited because they drink so much alcohol and caffeine. Neuroscientist Tara Swart found that their brains’ executive functioning skills were lower, which was attributed to dehydration (from alcohol), caffeine, and foods high in sugar. However, their brains were better able to spot patterns that weren’t immediately obvious.

Even the dumbest of journalists will point out that the study has not been peer-reviewed, and had a sample size of just 31. This drunken, jittery reporter is happy to donate his brain to science if there’s another round of tests.

All mammals take the same amount of time to poop

There are a lot of differences between humans and other mammals. For example, we’re smarter, we have souls, and we don’t create memes anthropomorphizing humans. But apparently we all take the same amount of time to poop.

According to researchers, pretty much all mammals take 12 seconds or so to empty their bowels. It doesn’t even really matter what size of an animal you’re comparing. A mouse might take 12 seconds to get its relatively small amount of feces out, and a whale would take just as long because it is able to expel higher volume of waste at a faster rate. Maybe we’re not so different after all.

And to the women thinking, “Then why does my husband spend an hour in the bathroom?” It’s because he’s trying to avoid a woman in life so controlling that she times how long he’s on the can.

Science: Drink with friends to lower your tolerance

We’ve heard for years the saying that you shouldn’t drink alone, but what if that actually had some scientific backing? Drunken crayfish are here to back it up.

Researchers at the University of Maryland have found that social crayfish get drunker faster than crayfish that drink on their own. They put some crayfish in their own tanks for 10 days to desocialize them, and kept a bunch of other crayfish in the same tank. They found that when pure alcohol was added into the tanks, the social ones acted drunker than the loner crayfish. The findings could mean that there is a link between social interaction and the effects of alcohol.

Or that social crayfish are just playing it up to impress their friends.