Category: It Must Be Science!

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

EEEEEEEEEE — slurp — eeeeee.


Coffee does it again!

Researchers from Brigham and Women’s Hospital found that — out of 65,000 women between the ages of 30 and 44 — women were 15 percent less likely to develop tinnitus if they drank between 0.016 and 0.02 ounces a day of caffeine.

For those of you planning to play along at home, that equals about four to five cups of coffee a day. So, you can drown out that ringing in your ears, but only with the steady vibration of your entire nervous system.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, What a Reach!

One question to spot lazy psychologists

"Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I'm not the Internet's favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives."
“Confident? Definitely. Self-conscious? Sure. Vain? Maybe. But a narcissist? I’m not the Internet’s favorite monster aside from extroverts and cable company executives.”

If the goal of all progress is efficiency, then researchers from Ohio State University have managed to improve narcissism diagnosis rates by 1000 percent without getting up from your matching Barcalounger/fainting couch combo.

To reach a diagnosis of narcissism, apparently all you have to do now is ask a narcissist is if they’re a narcissist. And, if you’re a narcissist, then you’ll answer affirmatively because, well, why wouldn’t you be?

There are only two flaws to this theory. One, if a narcissist associates narcissism with being a self-absorbed douche and, because they’re so nice and awesome, would never call themselves that. And two, if someone is worried about thinking they’re too vain and self-obsessed because they were raised to believe that mirrors are just ocular masturbation, then they might shame/WebMD-diagnose themselves as narcissistic.

But the better question to ask is why even ask in the first place if narcissism is so obvious?

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

The tortoise and the tablet

Folks, we’re smarter than animals. Let’s face it, besides the fact that we have all the guns, it’s all that’s keeping the beasts from overthrowing us tomorrow. But now, scientists are teaching them how to use our technology.

Researchers in England have been studying how red-footed tortoises use touch-screen devices. (Caution: Autoplaying video.) They have demonstrated that tortoises can learn where to touch the screen in order to get a strawberry.

This an appalling abuse of science. We shouldn’t be teaching animals how to use tablets. Just imagine how angry birds will be when they find out we’re playing Angry Birds.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Accent class is canceled, y’all

The scientists at Oak Ridge National Laboratory in Tennessee are smart people, unfortunately, they also have southern accents. Guess how things went when the lab offered classes to change that?

Our guess is that it’s pretty easy being a human resources person at a federally funded national laboratory. That means that putting on classes to improve worker abilities must be challenging. Helping people get rid of their southern accents must have seemed like a good plan, after all, regardless of how smart you are, your accent doesn’t get the best press. HR people probably got tired of hearing people say “nucular.”

As you may have guessed, staff at the lab complained, and the accent reduction class was cancelled, y’all.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

Science: No good reason for men to pee sitting down

Remember back when some scientist dudes claimed that men should sit down to pee to reduce the risk of prostate cancer. Scary, right? And we’re sure you’ve all been going along with it since then.

Turns out, that’s crap. Researchers have found no evidence to support the claim that sitting down to pee does anything other than make you pull down your pants.

| Posted in Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

Japan wants to hasten the robot uprising

Japan’s population is shrinking. It’s one of the few countries that can say this. While they are doing their part to avoid overpopulating the world, it’s also a bad thing, because someone needs to take care of all the old people.

So Japanese researchers came up with a very Japanese way to solve the problem: more robots. They said in a white paper that robots could even be applied to agriculture and construction jobs, because everyone wants robots in charge or your food or making cat calls at you when you walk by.

Does Japan ever have good ideas?

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!

A microscopic worm can drink you under the table

Bad news, people. There exists a type of worm that can’t get drunk, and it’s all science’s fault.

Researchers at the University of Texas genetically engineered a type of roundworm that can’t get a buzz no matter how much it drinks. Stop for a minute, and think about how a group of scientists spent their workdays getting worms drunk, then contemplate how much your job sucks.

But it’s not all bad news. They say the discovery could one day lead to drugs that can block the effect of alcohol withdrawal (hangovers). It could even one day keep people from getting drunk at all, which sounds like hell.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals


No! We will not allow this! This will not go swiftly into the night!

Delicious doughnuts are being used to feed bears! Bears! BEARS! Doughnuts are people food. They are not to be eaten by bears! Especially not in the name of science!

Gentlemen of this site, get your dukes up and in the air. It’s time for an old-fashioned bear fight, followed by a traditional nerd smashing.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!

All men are tripods

Some guys brag about having a third leg in their pants. According to a new study, they’re not that far off.

Researchers say that the first known instance of male sexual organs on an animal with a backbone began as an extra set of legs. Millions of years ago, these weird, fish-like things called placoderms ruled the seas, they are the oldest vertebrates known to science, and according to a recent study of fossils, the extra appendage on male placoderms was used to fertilize the females internally.


| Posted in It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Rats also do it myyyyyy waaaaaaaaaaay!

Despite all their rage, they are still rats treating depression with food in a cage.

Regrets? Rats have had a few, and science believes they’ve found evidence to support that claim.

Researchers placed rats in a contraption that allowed them to travel in one direction through a looping hallway connected to food chambers. Some chambers had food that the rats liked, like bananas or chocolate, while others had foods they liked considerably less. Rats that chose rooms with Kibble or whatever you feed rats when you break up with them looked backward towards rooms with better options. And brain scans indicate that they felt regret on not choosing the correct room.

So what did the rats do? They ate up the less desirable food and spit it out. For what is a rat, what has he got? If not himself then he has naught. To squeak the things he truly feels and not the words of one who runs on wheels. The brain scans show they took the blows and did it … like members of the Rat Pack.