Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

The best part of getting it up

"You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee."
“You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee.”

Most people claim that nothing happens before they have their daily coffee. And one of those things might be erections. And, no, we don’t mean construction work. We mean your penis.

Researchers from the University of Texas found a 42 percent reduction in erectile dysfunction in men who drank between 171mg and 303mg of caffeine a day, or roughly two cups of coffee.

So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.

Penis.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Anti-vaxxers look forward to resurrecting newly endangered rubella virus

"Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific resources for, people!"
“Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific sources for, people!”

Officials from the Pan-American Health Organization issued a new challenge to parents who have a Google degree in medical science, announcing that the rubella virus is no longer being transmitted in the Americas thanks to a 15-year vaccination campaign.

Already, forces for substituting concern and a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts in place of actual medical knowledge have started mobilizing, planning to rescue the virus from the endangered species list.

“It is a disgrace that third world countries can protect this important RNA-based species while corporations are allowed to freely destroy it in a so-called industrialized nation, ” said noted immunological authority, Bill Maher.

“While I cannot host the virus myself due to vaccinations, I look forward to giving my children the opportunity that my parents denied me,” added actress/model/basically-a-scientist, Jenny McCarthy.

Fortunately, anti-vaxxers already have a headstart on rubella since its vaccine is part of the combined MMR vaccine that they’ve already opted their children out of.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Aliens

We’re going to be invaded by space bears, math says

If aliens are out there, they are probably bear-sized, according to math.

Mathematicians somewhere have said that their calculations show that alien life forms are most likely to be the size of a bear, and the likelihood decreases with the size, from there. Also, they’ll probably weigh about 700 pounds.

These conclusions are based on Bayes’ theorem, which we know as a reader of this site you’re familiar with.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Vegetarianism winning war on pandas

Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.
Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.

We already knew that PETA was an insidious threat to humanity. We just didn’t realize how far their attempts to undermine the War on Animals goes. While, yes, not eating meat means fewer animals die, it also might mean the end of our species, just like the giant panda.

For whatever reason (it was probably to impress a girl), pandas stopped eating meat 2 million years ago. In all that time, however, they never really adapted biologically to a nearly all-bamboo diet. They still lack the multi-chambered, complex digestive tract and gut bacteria to get enough nutrients from greens.

Researchers now believe that it is this lack of nutritional energy that causes pandas lackluster sex drives and general lethargy. They have to eat all day and still need 12 hours of sleep. And now they’re almost all gone.

Make no mistake: this is what vegetarians want. Be a proud animal warrior and eat a damn steak. And then mate! MATE, with your beefy breath!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

The jerks will inherit the earth

You are a ... Cold Fish ... and you have ... 6 ... weeks ... to live. Thank you for playing The Love Tester! Have a nice ... 6 ... weeks.
You are a … Cold Fish … and you have … 6weeks … to live. Thank you for playing The Love Tester! Have a nice … 6weeks.

There are a lot of expensive, invasive tests to determine how much time you have left on Earth. But there are also cheap, non-invasive ways that have nearly the same results, like the Sit-to-Stand Mortality Test. (By seeing how long and how many limbs it takes to help you stand, doctors can calculate how far along you are in the line to Mr. Death’s Wild Ride. Being unable to do it at all is pretty much Fast Pass.)

But an even simpler way is to test your grip. The stronger your grip strength, the longer you will survive cardiovascular disease, cancer, falls, fractures and respiratory illnesses. It won’t prevent those things (well, maybe a stronger grip will keep you from falling), but it paints a simple portrait of how much strength you have to endure and recover.

Of course, this test will only work until people start gaming the system by only working their wrists out. And the research still isn’t in on the Pornhub Workout.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

The computer speaking for Dr. Hawking says AI will overtake us

"What? That's not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!"
What? That’s not what I said! Computer! I said, bring me the head of Eddie Redmayne!

Fresh from reassuring One Direction fans, Professor Stephen Hawking is back in the news. This time, he’s warning us about damn dirty robots!

Dr. Hawking theorized that artificial intelligence could overtake humans within the next 100 years, meaning they could menace The Guys in our new fitter clone bodies with bigger genitals. He believes , however, that this may not be a complete disaster, so long as humans develop goals aligned with those of AI.

This is the second time Dr. Hawking has spoken about AI recently, the first being a full warning that AI could spell the end of the human race. Although he’s softened his stance this time, this topic is of course very important to Dr. Hawking as we only know what he’s saying through a comput … wait. Did Dr. Hawking even say that?

… Did we type this?

Sleep tight, Internet.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Intoxicating curves

This probably explains why we drink so much champagne out of glasses (allegedly) molded from Marie Antoinette's funbags.
This probably explains why we drink so much champagne out of glasses (allegedly) molded from Marie Antoinette’s funbags.

We all know that curves can be dangerous, especially when you’re drinking. But, apparently that even applies to your pint glass.

Researchers from the University of Bristol and Tobacco and Alcohol Research Group of Bristol found that people drank more beer faster if served in a curved glass as opposed to a straight-sided glass. They believe it’s because the curved glass distorts our perception of how full the glass is, impairing our ability to measure and pace ourselves.

However, this remained true even after adding measurement markers to the curved glasses, which possibly indicates that we can’t keep our hands and lips off of curves, no matter what they’re made out of.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

The War on Plants

For years you’ve ignored your aunt’s constant posting propaganda about the evils of genetically modified organisms, or GMO. But now it appears your crazy relative was right all along.

Researchers in Taiwan have figured out how to turn onion cells into artificial muscle tissue. They even got their onion muscles to pick up a cotton ball through a series of electric shocks in a certain order.

So there you have it, we’re not even safe from vegetables. Pretty soon, scientists will be making onions that won’t just make you cry, they’ll make you beg for mercy.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Bees getting buzzed

Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.
Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.

Good news in the War on Animals: for the first time ever in history, a “give drugs away for free to get everyone hooked” is not only real, but working. Bees can’t get enough of the very pesticide that might cause Colony Collapse Disorder.

Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).

So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, The Guys in Moms

Your kids are either really dumb or terrifying

"This doesn't look like a dago's chin, Ma."
“This doesn’t look like a dago’s chin, Ma. I’m not mad, just disappointed. And still hungry.”

America likes to pretend that fat kids are a new problem, even though we’ve always treated them like slovenly second-class second graders. But, now that there aren’t enough attractive kids built like 1980s Billy Zabka to torment them and shut down their rec centers, we’re calling it an epidemic. And that means that medical science is working hard to cure it.

One potential treatment? Drawing smiley faces on healthier foods. Researchers found sales of vegetables increased by 62 percent and fruits by 20 percent when they added smiley faces to their labels. Even milk purchases rose from 7.4% to 48%, although nobody mentioned if the smiley face was added to the missing child announcement on the carton.

So, either kids are as dumb as McDonald’s proved with Happy Meals, or kids just really want to eat faces. Any face. Your face.