Category: It Must Be Science!

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Hops can make you thin, science says

One day, beer will help you lose weight. We live in the midst of a craft beer renaissance. It seems like every day there is a report of a new brewery opening up nearby. Americans are in love with craft beer, so it shouldn’t be long before a beer can make you thin.

Scientists have found that xanthohumol, which is found in hops, can aid in weight loss. According to a recent study, the compound can help you lose weight, but you’d need to drink 3,500 pints per day to feel the effects. We’re guessing at that point the benefits of xanthohumol would be outweighed by the health effects of drinking a brewery dry. The hope is that one day science can make this stuff into capsules or something as a weight loss supplement. The Guys are waiting for a clever brewer to pack as much xantho–whatever, we’re drunk–into a beer to make it a viable solution.

Unless you’re Rick Snee, you like hoppy beers, so there’s hope for you. This is why Rick is so fat.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Scientists discover granddaddy of Europe

Artist depiction.
Artist depiction.

Here in the U.S., pretty much everyone with any European background can trace their lineage back to someone who came over on the Mayflower. In Europe, they can all look back at some caveman.

According to a new report, half of all men in Western Europe are descended from the same dude who lived 4,000 years ago. Scientists believe this “king” of sorts, rose to power in the Neolithic age, and was basically slaying anything in a bearskin skirt. He fathered an brood of ruling elite who spread across the continent.

This common ancestry can easily been seen as the reason why European nations never went to war with each other right down through history.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

It’s like we don’t even know our best friends anymore

Oh, sure. They'll hug us when they want it, but never when we're OK with it?
Oh, sure. They’ll hug us when they want it, but never when we’re in the mood?

We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.

We’re not sure when it went south, but dogs are definitely not helping us find the really good drugs like they used to. The sniffer drugs are only finding smuggled meat and cheeses at Manchester Airport in the United Kingdom. Preventing the illegal import of food part of their job, too, but you just know they’re skimming a little off the top for themselves while letting perfectly good heroin pass through.

But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.

You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.

| Filed under Headline of the Day, It Must Be Science!

Bad news doesn’t get better with age, but it eventually goes away

"So the pills will make it look like this all the time ... but you're still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?"
“So the pills will make it look like this all the time, but you’re still gonna die in the next 20 years. *cough* What?”

Doctors are unsure of how to talk to aging patients about end-of-life care. According to a new poll, they know they have to talk to patients about it eventually. And, they’ll be having that conversation more than ever as 72 million aging Baby Boomers fail to die before they get old (in accordance with the final wishes of The Who). It’s just really, really hard to broach the topic of, y’know, natural cellular decay with a 60-year-old marathoner.

Originally, the costs of these awkward consultations was to be covered under the Affordable Care Act, but the funding was stripped out of the bill because stupid people who plan to die in shooting range accidents called them “death panels.” Doctors were off the hook … until Medicare stepped in and threw money back at the problem. Which is fine and all, but still doesn’t help them tell someone who thinks their only problem is a wind-socking erection.

Fortunately, The Guys have a solution — one that doctors already know: they can wait old people out. Self-solving problem.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Science: Babies are corrupt

Never trust a baby. We all know that they are lazy, whiny and unfit for civilized society, but now it turns out that they’re corrupt.

According to a new study, everyone has their price–even babies. Researchers at Yale found that children as young as 12 months will accept things from “bad guys” provided they are offering enough. Every baby weighs the benefits and risks of accepting a prize from a “bad guy” over a “good guy,” and if you offer them enough, they will totally do the wrong thing.

These babies are morally corrupt from the start. And they want to be leaders one day?

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Self-medication: Palcohol can save your arteries

Remember palcohol, the powered booze that we never got to try because the government banned it? It’s back, and it’s about to solve America’s biggest health crisis.

According to researchers, palcohol can help reduce the plaque that can build up in arteries. Beta-cyclodextrin, one of the active ingredients in many fat-reducing medications, is also found in powdered booze. Scientists found that giving mice that had been fed a high-cholesterol diet some beta-cyclodextrin over a few days and noticed a 46% drop in their overall cholesterol levels.

The time to legalize palcohol is now. We could save lives. Americans want their powered booze, and they want to sprinkle it on their bacon cheeseburgers so they don’t die.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Robots want to play grab-ass

"How can I ever repay you, sir? I know ..."
“How can I ever repay you, sir? I know …”

Robots aren’t human, but they want us to think they are. We know this because we’ve watched movies about robots that look like humans. But we cannot allow ourselves to see them as anything other than enemies who want to take our jobs and then enslave us. So why do we get creeped out by someone inappropriately touching a robot?

Robots at Stanford University want your hands all over them, and they want you to know it’s your fault you think that’s weird. According to a new study, when a robot asks a person to touch its butt, the human subject kind of thought it was weird.

Sure, it’s good that people don’t want to go around touching robot butts, but the problem here is that we think twice about doing it because they seems sort of human to us, so we assign them the same rules as we give ourselves, including personal boundaries.

These machines must be destroyed before they sue us for sexual harassment.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Game of drones

It's also important to note that this is mostly based on Book Three, so it's entirely possible for Hodor to really step it up and win the Iron Throne in Winds of Winter.
It’s also important to note that this is mostly based on Book Three, so it’s entirely possible for Hodor to really step it up and win the Iron Throne in Winds of Winter.

Game of Thrones is returning to HBO this month (unless that’s yet another stupid Internet April Fool’s joke), and with it, more confusion over just who the hell this story is about. There are so many characters, several of them taking turns as the protaganist, that actual g*ddamn mathematicians used NSA networking analysis to sort it all out.

And the true star of Game of Thrones? The real reason you were watching anyway: Tyrion Lannister. [This means that I, Rick Snee, was right to complain that Peter Dinklage should have won the Emmy as Best Actor, not Supporting Actor. You was robbed, Pete.]

It’s probably important to note at this time that this pattern of analysis is how the NSA charts terrorist networks, and that we routinely only “get” Number Two guys out of it. (Well, except that one time with Bin Laden.) So, caveat: Tyrion might only be the Game of Thrones Number Two guy.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Science: Blame your car accident on the cat

DO NOT EAT. May contain parasites.
DO NOT EAT. May contain parasites.

Cats–many people call them pets, your girlfriend spends most of her time looking at pictures of them online. But are they evil? The answers is yes, of course, but not for the reasons dog people are thinking.

According to researchers, cats can infect you with a parasite that can actually mess with your brain. Toxoplasma gondii can be found in cat feces, as well as their paws, and has been documented to cause increased levels of aggression in humans. If you’re infected with it, you can even have a slower reaction time. If this rings a bell, these bastards have already been linked to mental illness.

That means that if you have T. gondii, you can blame your car accident and your road rage on your cat. Still think they’re cute?

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Smelling drinks can get you buzzed, science says

Have you ever wanted to be drunk without the hassle of actually drinking a drink? Science says you don’t need to anymore. Turns out,aall you need is a whiff of booze to do the trick.

According to researchers in the U.K., the smell of alcohol can have a similar effect on a person to if they had actually downed the glass. Scientists say this could mean that your brain starts making you feel drunk as a response to sensing alcohol. One could even imagine it’s your brain making itself feel the way it’s accustomed to when you’re knocking a few back.

People who talk about the “nose” of a drink are no longer pretentious, they’re just getting the full effects of what they ordered.